The Children (1980) (USA)

aka The Children of Ravensback

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A leak at a nuclear power plant blankets a school bus in the kind of way toxic mist business leaders have to pay top dollar to cover up. This manages to turn kids into the monsters I’ve always thought they were. Instead of passing whatever plague they happen to carry via touch, their grimy hands burn unfortunate dopes to a crisp. But there’s a cure for this new threat, ya just have to sever the little hands of the tiny terrors and they become a problem for whatever Hell they’re sent to. Now, many parents and adults have a problem with harming these kids, but there’s a few heroes willing to go chop crazy and save the small town (as it’s happening in other spots, I’d say the world is pretty much fucked). Sheriff Billy (he who discovered the abandoned bus) and John Freemont (a father of one of the missing children) are there to clean up the mess that lazy plant workers caused because beer is far more important than safety precautions and overtime… they may be alcoholics. Killer hugs, samurai sword severing, small town vibes, a close range shotgun blast to a kid, a horny waitress, a horny deputy, a cranky doctor in a bikini, a granny with a shotgun, some dude weightlifting in a speedo, the world’s worst topless mother, several creep-staches, kids looking at the camera and heroes that look how I feel. That’s a lot of great things going on. There’s a stiltedness to everything that makes it seem like it was plotted on a different planet which helps keep it off-kilter but also kills momentum and makes everything feel like you decided to pop on a cheap horror flick after mixing bourbon and codeine (Tuesday night special in this house). So yeah, there’s problems but there’s plenty to smile about and it’s amazing how many weirdos and perverts populated a small area of Massachusetts. It’s kind of magical but it’s also no place for children, probably why most of them end up dead.