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It may directly lie to your face with its claims of being the first SOV horror film with an eye strictly towards the home video market but thats what we’d expect from our derpy little cheapskate friend. He may be a rapscallion and lack a few morals here and there, but we know his heart is in the right place. Also, he may just be a little too dim to have any malicious intentions. Now there’s no denying Blood Cult’s importance in the pantheon of lo-fi splatter but has it really stood the test of time? Well, it hasn’t stood the test of time as much as it just begrudgingly refused to move because it couldn’t be bothered to fucking do so. Elderly co-eds are getting their asses murdered and their limbs are getting taken in and around a central Oklahoma college. The only hint at the culprit are gold medallions left behind on the bodies. On the case is senator-to-be sheriff Ron Wilbois as he brings a certain geriatric charm to his investigation of the murders. His daughter Tina (she who works at the college library) and her head of possibly sentient hair helps out as an “old witch cult” carries on with its slayings. There’s a vast conspiracy in the works and our hero Ron may not be coming out of this case in one piece. Hitting you with the pace of a coupon-loaded grandmother on a Sunday supermarket stroll, the drag of this flick is almost impressive. It’s slow-going and doesn’t seem to care that you’d like something… anything to happen. Even while something is happening… does that make sense? What I’m saying is, it somehow even fails to invoke tension in its scenes where it’s presenting the slasher goods. Like I said, it’s oddly impressive. It’s not all on the cast whose performances range from dead-eyed check-out counter girl reading a receipt for fun to grandfather telling a scary story to his grandson but not really wanting to make it too scary but they do help slow things down. Ron narrates like he’s reminiscing about an uneventful vacation to the Finger Lakes, dialogue is bumbled yet the film insists that there needs to be a whole bunch of talkin’, the world’s least-convincing victim is bludgeoned with a severed head, there’s a bunch of talk about the election coming up, Arby’s is enjoyed, the most nauseating scene concerns Tina making out with her boyfriend who looks like he’s cosplaying Fabio from Giallo in Venice if he were played by Ted Raimi in the reincarnated form of an evil Puritan minister and everything is weirdly cozy for something focused on the graphic collecting of severed limbs for occult activity. It’s a slasher film that’s the equivalent of a rainy Friday at your grandparents’ house and I really wouldn’t change anything about it.
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