Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)
YouTube is wonderful. And no, smartass, it’s not like I just
discovered it. I did just discover that Meatcleaver Massacre was available on
it. I assure you, this is a good thing. Let the joyous memories flow.
As older fans of horror can and probably will tell you
(hundreds of times) before the internet was a globe encompassing beast, we had
a rough time snatching up hard to find movies. Through video stores and usually
the awesome weirdos that worked at these video stores we would sometimes get
lucky. VHS tapes (giant black things that brought hours of joy before degrading
in quality, ruining the very machine you needed to view them with and
destroying your weekend plans of Fulci film marathons) were one’s passport to
weird and extreme worlds. And those wonderful weirdos behind the counter of
your local mom and pop video stores were the gatekeepers.
Before I became an employee, I was a faithful customer to my
local video shop. Recognition and horror talk got me in close to the high
school senior who worked behind the counter on Friday and Saturday nights. This
led to his bootleg discoveries being passed on to me. Wonderful bootlegs of
various (mostly awful) quality. I’m not complaining, it’s something I honestly
love and miss about the pre-internet horror film experience. Now, the point of
all this rambling. I watched a shitty copy of Meatcleaver Massacre on a bootleg
VHS sometime before I graduated high school. I watched a (barely) less shitty
copy of Meatcleaver Massacre on YouTube about a month ago. My recollections of
this film are just as muddy and indecipherable as they have been for the last
few years between viewings. It’s supposed to be this way. That’s how amazing
this movie is.
I remember some things going into my YouTube viewing. There
are no meat cleavers in this film. I remember that, at least I think I remember
that. Scenes that may or may not be real flash into existence. I remember Sean
and his odd hair, I remember interesting facial grooming on the detectives,
Christopher Lee rambling and, of course, I remember Poopers. Lovable old
Poopers.
The soothing voice of horror, Christopher Lee, welcomes us
to the film. He talks of death, evil spirits and the afterlife. It all has
something to do with, most likely, nothing. It doesn’t matter. Christopher Lee
was there. I’m sure of it. He rambles and then the movie begins. Sir
Christopher Lee does not participate in the actual film. He’s just another
passenger caught up in the Meatcleaver Massacre road trip.
A professor talks about Morak. Morak is a demonic entity
that can be called into reality for the sole purpose of vengeance. Morak is also known as The Great Avenger. A
wise student chimes in “Yeah. Like Batman” Instead of ignoring his idiotic
student, who should have gone with Ghost Rider and not a crime hating vigilante,
the professor replies “Like a super-Batman, if you wish.” Fuck. This movie has
all the answers.
Morak will come into play soon enough. One of the professor’s
students, a punk by the name of Mason, really disagrees with the professor that
Morak may exist. Mason, being the complete asshole that he is, decides he can’t
let his professor’s belief go. He and his group of no-goodniks decide to take a
trip out to the professor’s house. I can only assume it’s a typical night over
at Mr. Professor’s home. The professor is quietly reading, his son is making a
sandwich, his daughter is taking a shower and his wife is letting out the loyal
family dog Poopers. Mason and his gang of ne’er-do-wells arrive and are about
to cause some mischief. Probably freak out the family with some old fashioned pranks.
Then they killed poopers and all bets were off.
The family soon joins Poopers in whatever heaven he went to.
The son is strangled, the wife is, I think, murdered by the correct use of the
Mandible Claw and the daughter is bludgeoned with… well something. The print is
very dark and outside of the strangulation you’re kind of left guessing how the
family was done in. Mr. Professor was also bludgeoned but lives. He’s in a coma
and unresponsive but still able to summon Morak for some sweet vengeance.
At this point, your average horror film would follow the simple
arch of comeuppance. This is not your average film. Something else is at play
here. Sure, it follows the conventions but it also has them unfold with the
logic of a lunatic. The gang of murderers meets up at a comedy show. A show
involving Peter Falk impressions and hairdresser hatred. Someone is murdered by
possessed cacti while hiking through the desert. A man attempts to commit
suicide but upon seeing he’s late for work figures slitting his wrists can
wait. Sex is also put off for work. People are massacred but no meat cleavers
are used. The lunatic follows his own logic and the movie benefits from it.
I sink deeper into the haze of this film. False scares and
dream sequences further bend my sanity. The audio plays tricks on me. It slips
in and out; sometimes the music drowns the dialogue. Dialogue written by an
alien race that sat in on the marijuana induced ramblings of two twenty year old
philosophy majors. Moments in time disappear, lost forever to the shadowy world
of Meatcleaver Massacre or were simply butter knifed out by an insane editor. The movie ends and Christopher Lee returns. He talks about a shaman convention. Shortly after, he uses the term "Abracadabracle" This
film has cast a spell on me.
Wait....maybe it's.....uhm...nope
Meatcleaver Massacre is a dream. No. Meatcleaver Massacre is
a memory viewed through a thick fog. The images dance and briefly take shape
but then disappear into the ether. Am I giving this movie too much credit?
Maybe, but I think Poopers would disagree.
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