Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Drunk socialite Nancy Archer (bonafide bombshell Allison Hayes) has a scumbag husband in Harry who can’t keep it in his pants. On top of marital strife with her no-good hubby, she’s also got some new problems. Harry and his tart Honey Parker have a murder (or insanity, whichever comes first) scheme in the works to get her money but that’s not even the weirdest thing. No one believes her when she encounters a UFO and its giant inhabitant on a desert backroad because of her penchant for alcohol consumption. That’s fine by Harry, as he uses it to tarnish her name and get everyone thinking she’s gone yumpy. She forces Harry to accompany her out to the desert to find the big-ass satellite and prove her sanity. When they find the ship, Harry hauls ass and leaves Nancy in the clutches of the giant whatever. He plans on escaping with his floozy but they get a better idea when a comatose Nancy is discovered by the cops. An overdose would tie up everything rather nicely but that’s quite difficult when the sexy dame begins to grow to an incredible size. Medical science is baffled by the ordeal and Harry is hoping that if he doesn’t give permission for any operating, she’ll just grow herself to death. Not bloody likely. Nancy wakes up, throws an earth-shaking shit-fit when nobody can get ahold of Harry (he’s slow dancing with his trollop) and makes her way to her scuzzball husband. Much rear-projection, model work and humongous hijinks follow. I’ve heard this make a lot of “guilty pleasures” lists but that’s some bullshit. Never feel guilty about what you like… unless you’re into the August Underground series… you keep that to yourself or the other high schoolers you watch “true gore” mixtapes with. Anyways, no guilty pleasure here. This flick is a fuckin’ delight anchored by the smokin’ Allison Hayes being a treat to watch stomping around on her quest of justified destruction. Also, props to William Hudson for playin’ one hell of a shithead just begging for that sweet comeuppance. It was beauty that were the beast.

Char Man (2019) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Exceptional found footage flick is anchored by a creepy local legend and a genuine feeling of growing unease. Three ill-prepared filmmakers head out to Ojai, California to make a fake documentary about a local piece of folklore, the Ojai Vampire. The idea never seems to fully blossom but when the town historian tells them of another local boogeyman called the Char Man, they find the inspiration they have been lacking. Of course, the trio come to learn that there’s something to these tales and a malevolent force begins messing with them. Horrible odors, creepy masked kids and a suspiciously unhelpful community have the men fearing for their lives. The supernatural threat actually chills and it’s hard not to sympathize with the protagonists once they come to realize the depth of what’s going on around them and stop showboating for the cameras. If found footage flicks are your cup of tea, you can’t go wrong with this well-crafted nightmare.

The Catman of Paris (1946) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

On the heels of publishing a controversial book which has caused a bit of a stir in the French government, a young author returns to Paris after spending some time in the tropics. His return coincides with a series of slayings where the victims have been clawed to ribbons. Worse yet, the victims are all connected to the author, leading the police to suspect him of the murders. Following the death of his beautiful fiancée (right after she denies him his wish to end their engagement) the author seeks comfort from his oldest friend (and someone he has recently realized he has fallen in love with) and his loyal manager. His new love interest is out to prove his innocence and his manager is planning on smuggling him out of France as the detectives close in. Moderately fun Republic Pictures horror flick takes its premise and sets it in a wonderful world where only a few people scoff at the idea of a man transforming into a human-cat beast. Caterwauls haunt the night before the catman strikes and the makeup leaves a bit to be desired but when it comes to these stuffy cheap wonders you’re pretty lucky to get anything other than a man in a gorilla costume. It somehow has trouble filling up its slight runtime but it hits just the right notes when it comes to convenient idiocy.

Dead Dudes in the House (1989) (USA)

aka The House on Tombstone Hill/The Road/The Dead Come Home 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Some rad bros go to fix up an old house that one of their number has just purchased. They hope a little elbow grease will pay off in the ultimate party pad. They discover the gravestone of the neighbor-murdering former owner Old Lady Leatherby on the property and one idiot (Victor Verhaeghe, who you have seen all over Law & Order and Boardwalk Empire) decides smashing it is a good call. Great work, Bob. Now, the murderous matriarch is back from the dead and killing off these dummies and their girlfriends. As if one homicidal maniac in hilariously wretched old-person makeup weren’t enough, the victims also come back to life to make the survivors odds of making it through the night slim to nil. The killer hag (well, a dude trying his damndest to come off like a hag) shows herself to the group almost immediately and after she wanders off, the clan of boners discover the doors aren’t budging, the windows aren’t breaking and the outside world is now off limits to them. So one by one they’re sent off to whatever afterlife they believe in by a killer who seems just a little bit bored with the imposition of having to murder these goofs. One of the dudes looks like a poor-man’s Bruce McCulloch, another one looks like a poor-man’s Henry Rollins, hands get severed, power tools get used the wrong way, Bob is a scene-stealing asshole and the killer is one of the most nonchalant in horror history even if she’s pretty ruthless in her technique. It’s mostly braindead, slightly boring and the only memorable bit is just how bad the old-lady ensemble is but it is unequivocally a product of its time and I just can’t hate it for existing.

The Cycle (2026) (UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Doctor Megan Garland (the wonderful Deborah Ann Woll) is a respected forensic anthropologist with a missing papa in her past. After 36 years vanished, his corpse is discovered near a house where a woman and her daughter were brutally murdered in what appears to be an animal attack. Initially, Meg refuses to assist with the case when asked by young police chief Ian Marks (Will Hochman) but she is eventually dragged into things after she suffers a hallucination/flashback about her father pointing to a mystery that needs to be solved. The viewing of her dead papa’s body raises some further questions as it remains oddly preserved (after the decay, of course… it’s in no stellar state) and after getting a good look at things, points to the man having undergone prolonged bodily trauma while alive before being moved some months after perishing. Ian is trying to figure out why this body was discovered alongside the horrorifix murder scene but the answers are not coming easy. Doctor Garland gets officially added to the case (the local coroner has his issues with this and her mom seems especially horrified by the long-gone man coming back into her daughter’s life, no matter how deceased he may be) and incredibly disturbing occurrences escalate. Ian and Meg bond over shared family trauma (Ian’s grandpa had his problems and his father (Jeffrey fuckin’ Donovan) did not care for the man) and everything begins leading down a path into a supernatural area of grey. As with most new movies I find to be worth a watch, I’m hesitant to spoil things and I will not be altering this approach. Just know that things take a fairly interesting road after it already sets out on an intriguing route to its main theme. It runs a bit too long (which is fine for the most part thanks to the intriguing premise) and gets a little corny as it comes to a close but the cast is fantastic, the look is suitably dreary, the finale is awesome and the practical effects work had me smiling like a teenager watching 80’s horror flicks in his parents’ basement. It’s also the answer to a question I never thought to ask about one of my favorite sungenres and am now deeply ashamed of this ignorance.

V/H/S/Mixtape (2026) (USA)

⭐️1/2

October arrives and with it comes another outing in the found footage analogue horror series and, well, it feels like we’ve taken a major step back. Shock rock legends GWAR present dumb as fuck numbers involving grossness and stupidity and it’s the first time in a long time my eyes roll so hard it gives me a headache. I guess congratulations are in order for being the first of the series to have me consider just turning it off about a minute in and watching something entertaining. Good job? I understand this is GWAR’s thing and the underlining (loose) thread of this outing is music but as someone who doesn’t really care for a whole bunch of nothing painted up as something thanks to toilet humor and splatter, I guess I’m not the audience. They will return to do ”skits” of no discernible value throughout the film which are somehow far more aggravating than the social media bullshit they are sending up. Unless you’re into GWAR, then I imagine this is maybe entertaining? Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance starts things off with a children’s show by the name of The Curious Chorus. A little kid named George is the audience participant in the puppet-starring tomfoolery, singing a song about death. Years later George is now running the same workshop that produced and performed The Curious Chorus. A digitally-rendered reimagining is in the works for the retired puppets under the aggressive eye of a studio executive Vanessa (the always welcome Barbara Crampton) who is filming a making-of with her asshole son Sam behind the camera and producer Chris explaining what they’re doing. George isn’t happy about the digital “resurrection” of his beloved “friends” but Vanessa isn’t about to take his bullshit. She threatens to take the puppets from him which leads to George reluctantly handing them over to be digitally scanned. His protestations that the puppets don’t want to be scanned are dismissed and when the cameraman comes across a disturbing tape, things get messy and people get slaughtered. It’s… uh… it’s just kind of there but it features some passable splatter to go along with a threat that’s not all that threatening. Much like GWAR, I’m not all that thrilled by puppets behaving badly. So, others may get more from this than I did. Flying Lotus returns to the series (he offered up a less than entertaining segment in V/H/S 99) with Another Cabin. A horrible grandmother and her grandson live in an isolated cabin where a massive monster with a giant tongue inhabits the surrounding forest. It attacks the cabin and absorbs the grandmother who is constantly using the child as a human shield. As it’s completely animated it doesn’t really feel like it belongs in this series and it runs less than three minutes so who gives a fuck anyways? Content creators Maya and West trespass into a supposedly abandoned Soviet military building near the Bulgarian border in Heartbeat and it goes very wrong when they get trapped in a test chamber and foolishly fire up the auditory program. Insanity and bloody death happens. I’m fine with obnoxious dopes meeting their maker but in a movie that’s already pushing the limits of my patience, I didn’t need more of them. It’s fine and I always love me an abandoned facility but in a movie that has yet to break above middling, it’s not the piece that was needed. The Music of Mr. Sze is mostly Lovecraft’s The Music of Eric Zann. A young man rents a room in a boarding house and begins recording his daily encounters with his irritatingly strange landlady and the various other dopes who share the building with him. The reclusive musician who lives above him on the top floor produces some haunting music which fascinates the young man. Philip convinces the reclusive Mr. Sze to let him record his violin work but a certain song begins to turn our documentarian obsessive and his subject becomes cautious until eventually refusing to have any contact with Philip. It’s too late, Philip has tapped into a world he was never meant to know existed and some horrifying entity has taken notice. Do you like silly wigs? I sure do and we get some spectacularly unconvincing ones here that match the unconvincing performances. Fun monster shenanigans bring it to a close. Premature Burial is a music video from Tobias Forge of Ghost fame and is a visual storytelling of the revenge that a female doctor takes on her colleague after he sexually assaults her. She ends up preparing the scumbag’s body for his funeral and sneaks a radio into his coffin because whatever she injected him with will eventually dissipate and he will wake up. He awakens and the doctor places a nice head-removing kick to his noggin. It ain’t my kind of music but the lo-fi second generation bootleg aesthetic reminds me of a tape with Skinny Puppy music videos I got from my bestie Ivana in high school and I’m all for it. Sadly, outside of the look, it’s another piece of a puzzle that feels rewardless to piece together. Death Tone from RZA is the best of the batch and mercifully the final installment in this failed experiment. The daughter of a deceased music producer decides to honor his memory by mixing music from his old demo tapes. On a tape with her name labeled on it, her beloved papa lays out an occult ritual involving the composing of music from organic sounds that can guarantee their reunion. Of course, these sounds necessitate the torture of a human subject and Lydia begins bringing home folks to get to work. It helps that the drugs in her system make it make sense. A detective is looking into the rash of disappearances and Lydia’s father shares some final instructions that put his daughter in the way of harm. An actual narrative (as silly as it may be), dark humor and solid performances complement the impressive splatter and show exactly what has been lacking from this flick. The only V/H/S entry I had considered just turning off multiple times which is a sad claim to fame.

The House by the Cemetery (1981) (Italy)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Dr. Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco) moves his family from New York to New England following the suicide of a colleague, picking up where the now dead professor left off. Norman, his wife (Catriona MacColl) and his son court tragedy when it turns out the basement of their new rental home is inhabited by the monstrous Dr. Freudstein, a 19th century surgeon who has harnessed some semblance of immortality by feeding on the flesh and blood of humans. A ghostly young girl attempts to save the youngest Boyle (a child named Bob) and Norman is obviously hiding something from his already mentally unstable wife. Things are not going to end well for the Boyle family in Fulci’s underappreciated creeper. Does the house exist within some sort of fluctuating timeline where realities clash and time loops into itself? Is Freudstein just a horrific manifestation of oedipal conflicts drawn out to absurd lengths? How much does Norman know, what’s his relationship with the alluring Ann (Ania Pieroni) and why do people seem to recognize him? We’re never going to get an answer and I’m okay with that. The childishly whimpering Freudstein is wonderfully realized, the violence is blunt and gruesome, there is some horrible dubbing and Bob just may be the worst thing to ever happen to horror cinema. Where The Beyond is a straightforward (in comparison) nightmare of hellish brilliance, House by the Cemetery slowly pieces itself together with repeat viewings. It’s a nightmarish masterpiece that never lets you in on its secrets; or I could be reading too much into it and it’s just a senseless piece of crap. I choose to believe the former.