AVP: Alien vs Predator (2004) (Canada/Czechia/Germany/UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️

When an ancient pyramid is discovered through a Weyland Industries satellite two thousand feet below Antarctic ice, Weyland (Lance Henriksen) assembles a team of scientists and soldiers for an expedition. The dying Weyland wants to leave his mark on the world before he shuffles off. It proves to be an idiotic choice when the temple’s true purpose is made known. It turns out the place is a huge hunting ground for an alien race’s manhood ritual. Teenage Predators journey there to hunt the super dangerous xenomorphs and become adequate Bill Paxton killers. It doesn’t take long for the Weyland team to be trapped and separated in the pyramid and it takes even less time for most of them to end up murdered by the two races of fighting aliens. Dumb as fuck film has the Predators mostly getting their asses handed to them and a spattering of poorly rendered digital violence visited upon the humans. The underrated and super badass Colin Salmon shows up to steal his minimal scenes and you can just add that to the large list of underutilized and wasted awesomeness. There’s some dumb fun to be had but as a fan of both franchises, it’s hard to look past what could have been.

Lone Wolf (1988) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A werewolf preys upon a Colorado college campus and it’s up to a rag-tag group of “young” people to stop it. Real world dialogue (“DOS! Disk! Operating! System!”) combines seamlessly with big-ass hair in this late eighties blast. Heartthrob Eddie (lead singer of the local badass butt-rock band) teams up with a good-hearted and big-haired blonde, a computer whiz and a few other like-minded rejects to put an end to the lycanthropic reign of terror. How will they find the time between gigs at a local club that hosts no other band and their computer courses with a teacher that just may care too much? Jocks take on “punks”, the 80s-hawt Theresa Fenneaux (of Demon Cop “fame”) shows up, there’s a grown-ass piece of dead meat named Skip, computer analogies about the human condition and a climatic werewolf attack at the Winter Costume Ball. Very little werewolf action shouldn’t turn you off if you’re into the eighties feel (there’s enough hairspray to destroy several ozone layers) and homespun horrors. Come rock with us all night long.

The Mummy (1932) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Karl Freund’s Universal horror classic is a haunting tale about love beyond death. The discovery of an un-embalmed mummy on an archeological dig in Egypt spells doom for a small group of scholars in Cairo. After reading from the Scroll of Thoth, an eager young archaeologist awakens the dusty corpse and quickly goes insane. Ten years pass and a mysterious Egyptian (Boris Karloff) sets his plans in motion with his endgame being the resurrection of his lost love and he will kill anyone who gets in his way. Jack Pierce’s barely viewed mummy makeup is superb (and shaped many a young monster kid’s ideas of what a mummy looks like), Boris Karloff gives another wonderfully sinister performance and Hungarian-born Zita Johann is an exotically beautiful talent who was sadly underutilized during her Hollywood career. It’s a classic for a reason and it may bore those who have no patience for the creaky early thirties horror flicks but ya can’t please everyone.

The Sickhouse (2008) (UK)

aka The Host/The Prey 

⭐️1/2

After some plague bacteria is found in the soil samples from a dig site located below an abandoned hospital, archeologist Gina Philips is told the project is being shut down. The place used to be an old orphanage that housed some strange cult headed by a plague doctor. She decides to break in and explore a recently-discovered sealed chamber and releases something long dormant. A group of young criminals also get locked in the hospital when they flee the scene of a car accident. Creepy ghost kids, the plague-masked evil spirit and the plague itself begin causing fatal problems for everyone inside. The film takes the great idea of outfitting its villain in a plague doctor getup and completely fails at making it resonate thanks to annoying quick cuts and god-awful editing. There’s a gruesome bathtub scene with a messy “birth” and a dumb ending.

Ghost Ship (2002) (USA/Australia)

aka Chimera

⭐️⭐️1/2

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a surly salvage crew got their hands on a long-thought missing and definitely haunted 1960’s Italian ocean liner? I sure have but I’m strange and have a bunch of free time on my hands. What’s your excuse? Back in the early sixties, the extravagant cruise ship Antonia Graza hits some trouble when one hell of a violent set piece ends up dismembering a shit-ton of guests and crew. Mass death and splatter is not easily forgotten and has stayed burnt into my brain since seeing this bad boy in theaters more than two decades ago. Needless to say, all that trauma left more than just a blood stain and the troubled spirits still reside aboard the ship forty years on. Bad news for a salvage crew who are pointed in the direction of the ship by a pilot, who has found it adrift in the Bering Strait. Seeing one hell of a pay day, any concern is buried deep down and the small team decide they can’t pass up the opportunity, even letting the pilot come along for a reduced finder’s fee. Not a great call on their part. The rusted hunk is full of spirits but this ain’t just phantom footsteps and slamming doors, these specters are homicidal and manipulative to boot. Poor decisions pile up and the bodies follow close behind as some apparitions get downright nasty. It’s gonna be up to the surviving salvagers (and a helpful ghost girl) to pull their asses out of the fire and realize that millions of dollars ain’t worth much of anything if you’re fucking dead. There’s also a decades-old secret to uncover, crates full of stolen gold bars that tie into everything and trapped spirits because some evil entity called The Ferryman needs souls. A stellar cast of “Hey! They’re in this?! Fuck yeah!” helps carry along the iffy plot… I mean, Julianna Margulies, Gabriel Byrne, Ron Eldard, Isaiah Washington and especially Karl Urban could come into my house, eat my food, clog my toilet and slap me around a bit and I’d still thank them. The problem is, the script doesn’t care anywhere near as much about utilizing these actors as I do. Which is fine. I guess the haunted ship is the most important thing anyways… which is also a problem when your script takes its time getting to the point. Luckily, the abandoned liner set is pretty cool and the cast is more than capable even if not given a whole bunch to work with. It’s a shame that the best part of the damn thing is the buildup as the reveal ain’t all that great. The last-act flashback makes ya wish we spent more time in the 60s dealing with a far more interesting film (all set to music that sounds like something that would be playing in a church group’s presentation of a BDSM club because they could afford the rights to anything by Nine Inch Nails). In the right mood, you could add an extra half-star to the rating.

Crypsis (2019) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Six buddies make a bet involving a remote island and the infamous creature that supposedly calls the place home. A chunk of money and bragging rights goes to the team that can capture footage of some bullshit dares on a list. Bonus if they manage to capture footage of the mysterious monster that has yet to be verified by modern science… at least, I assume that would be a nice, big bonus. An opening slaughter lets us know that whatever the hell it is ain’t some friendly throwback just looking to exist in tranquility with the woodlands. This opening stretch also lets us know that there’s plenty of history about the place and the thing roaming around. There’s also people very interested in the island dweller. So, we join our gaggle of idiots accepting the bet in a bar and heading to the off-limits island at the behest of the jerk who came up with the idea. He also takes their cellphones because I guess being an idiot goes along with being super obnoxious. That goes for all of them. The five dinks left on the island fight amongst themselves making us, the viewer at home, apathetic to their plight and begging for the monster to start picking the dudes off. Not a great way to start things. Unsettling sounds prove that some trepidations were correct amongst the group. The creature shockingly does not waste much time revealing itself to the gaggle of buttholes trespassing on its land, unfortunately it stays mostly offscreen until after the thirty minute mark. It’s a dude in a costume that looks like something that would have been featured on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I dig that. Monster POV is featured and the group’s biggest pud survives way longer than his ass should. TURN OFF THE FUCKING LIGHT, JOSH! This would have been a a semi-entertaining treat of a simple monster flick if it had a likable cast but unfortunately it does not and it sort of just sinks itself thanks to characters you don’t give a shit about or are actively rooting against. I’m all for bros getting eaten by something that looks like the offspring of Gollum and a crawler from The Descent, it’s just hard to spend all your time with nothing but bros.

Siluman Clurit Perak (1988) (Indonesia)

aka Demon With the Silver Sickle

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Un-subbed and of rapidly deteriorating visual quality, this movie is still more fun than a barrel full of dead monkeys. An evil witch raises hell in the village neighboring the cave she calls home. She zombifies some folks, possesses others and even bites the penis off of one unfortunate horny husband. A poor woman gets a stick in the eye and is then tossed off a hill for reasons unknown to me, maggots get eaten, a beefy man becomes the witch’s evil lover, a couple warriors show up to help (one of them has a fart-centric fighting technique), there’s a pocong, a man who transforms into a rapist bat (but he’s also a rapist in human form so good for him), a magical skull on a stick, a lot of floating, an elderly fighter with a giant and dangerous tongue, flying coffins, people riding flying coffins and then a goofy-eyed zombie shows up. It makes no damn sense and is as wild as it is stupid... which is fine by me. It runs a bit too long but the insane climax makes up for any dragging.