Amok Train (1989) (Italy/Yugoslavia USA)

aka Beyond the Door III/Evil Train/Death Train/Winds of Evil/The Train/Dark Train 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Absurd Euro-horror finds a group of American students embroiled in a sinister plot to have one among them realize her full potential as the bride of Lucifer. Creepy professor Bo Svenson sets them up for sacrifice but they manage to escape and stowaway on a passenger train. Bad choice, the Serbian bride-to-be becomes an unwitting pawn to the Devil and the train takes on a murderous mind of its own. Truly wonderful crap with a healthy dose of splat and a fucking possessed train killing off annoying students. Fall in love with this anti-classic as soon as possible.

Frozen Sasquatch (2018) (Canada/USA)

⭐️⭐️

Feel free to drink any time I use the word “unconvincing”. Shaky footage of Mark Polonia brings us right into the story. He’s a scientist and he warns that “the creature” escaped during the night and most of the team on site at the base are dead. Very little guess work is needed to figure out what has massacred a base full of idiots. Shitty digital snow is added to the outside filming as a man in ratty Bigfoot costume chases down a scientist and eviscerates him. One week earlier in the upper Himalayan Region (looking eerily like the Midwest during a particularly warm Fall), hunters track down a Sasquatch and thanks to a fortuitous avalanche (as unconvincing an avalanche as you will ever see), the men get their hands on the rare beast. It’s brought to Research Base 227 and we all know how this went. Now, a group of scientists are gathered to head to the Himalayan research facility and see what happened to the team. The company fronting the research would also like them to see if they can salvage any of the study because the prospect of having a Yeti on hand is one hell of a scientific boon. The group land and camp in the Himalayas, which looks incredibly warm and green at this time of year, and talk about the legend and how believable it is that it’s actually been captured. While this is going on, we watch as the yeti creeps around the bushes and it also cuts to some husky white dude worshipping a skull at an alter in a cave. Ya know, Himalayan stuff. The team makes it to the facility and find it almost completely abandoned. A terrified employee is hiding in a closet and all she can get out is “yeti.” That seems to be all it takes to convince our heroes that they got their curious hands on the real deal. The former lovers in the trio poke around in the computer system and the other guy goes to look around the base. Hilariously unconvincing in every way (it’s a Polonia film so I’m confident Mark is in on it), if you’re not in the mood, ya may bang your head against a hard surface until you no longer have to deal with it. An unconvincing Bigfoot costume has nothing on the unconvincing research facility which pales in comparison to the unconvincing Himalayan setting. Inept, even for a late-era Polonia flick, but that’s not the issue. The issue is just how lazy it all feels. Charm usually goes far when it comes to Polonia but this just comes off like someone had access to a community college for a long weekend and decided to see if they could make any profit off of a half-formed Sasquatch idea. Things get enjoyable when they get silly, unfortunately that goes down in the last fifteen minutes. I will say, it’s probably the best looking cast Mark Polonia has ever directed.

Night of the Werewolf (1981) (Spain)

aka The Craving/Return of the Wolfman 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Waldemar Daninsky enters the eighties and I couldn’t be happier. The Polish noble/wolfman, Daninsky, is executed along with Elisabeth Bathory and her consorts. Many years later, grave robbers remove the silver dagger from his heart and the werewolf returns. Soon after, a witchcraft-practicing young woman resurrects Countess Bathory and unleashes her evil. Her two friends (one of which falls for the handsome Daninsky) are put in the path of danger and death begins to plague the Carpathian countryside. In between doing his werewolf thing, the beautifully bearded Daninsky attempts to stop the evil Bathory who is hell-bent on making him her slave. Writer, director and star Paul Naschy delivers a perfect send up to the Daninsky werewolf cycle, peppering his film not only with homages to his inspirations but with a loving tip of the hat to the previous films. The women are gorgeous, the men are mustachioed and the love is tragic. A great time for all you Spanish horror nuts out there.

Dawn of the Mummy (USA/Egypt)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

An American treasure hunter/grave robber foolishly blows open the crypt of a long dead pharaoh. Before he can collect his ill-gotten goods, he is forced to allow a group of models and their photographer to shoot a set inside of the tomb. The deal is made after the treasure hunter’s boneheaded goon fires at the models, believing them to be bandits. Well, the curse placed upon the pharaoh’s final resting place doesn’t give a shit who was responsible for the desecration and everyone is soon fodder for the gangly mummy and his army of zombie slaves. We are treated to hilariously over the top acting (our dear treasure hunter Rick takes the cake), some lamp heat regeneration, flesh munching, a possibly acidic mummy and a ridiculously cruel climax to a likable local’s wedding. This American flick shot in Egypt has a distinct spaghetti nightmare vibe all the way through and is a pleasure for any trash-craving weirdo.

Dark Walker (2003) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

It’s no secret I have a soft spot for these straight to DVD horrors from the early aughts. They don’t bring anything new to the table but they usually have a practical-effects boogeyman and some hilariously lazy scripts. Also, I’ve always been a fan of the budget sparing “let’s just splash fake blood on the wall” death scene. A haunted house attraction is built on some cursed land and the teen employees (checking off every box on the cannon fodder checklist) begin meeting grisly ends by something called the Dark Walker. The Dark Walker looks like the unholy spawn of The Creeper and a mummified Sasquatch and it wields a lethal scythe. The owners of the attraction have sunk every last penny into the place and seem to be a bit more concerned about a profit than the lives of employees and the cute shy girl has some kind of psychic gift. There’s also an elderly caretaker who rambles on about innocence and may be a ghost. It ain’t high art but it’s my kind of fun.

The Goetia Diaries (2022) (USA)

1/2

Dick Deakin runs a somewhat popular vlog concerning conspiracy theories and the occult. His current deep dive involves the summoning of King Solomon’s 72 demons. Things pick up a year later when his hard drives have been discovered and his friend has uploaded them. Richard has vanished along with everyone else he dragged into his quest for a dark truth and obsession with magick. His personal life begins to shatter, which sucks for his fiancée, and he’s the kind of dope who has the inability to admit he’s in the wrong. This leads to some awkward melodrama that neither of them have the ability to pull off. As he continues on his new magical (sorry, “magickal” only assholes leave out the k) path, Dick does plenty of explaining… of everything… which may be somewhat necessary but it sure as shit doesn’t make for an entertaining time. This thing just keeps chugging along as Dick talks to people who suck at acting and try really hard to come off as quirky and unique. It’s just frustrating and annoying.

The Hideous Sun Demon (1958) (USA)

aka Blood on His Lips/Terror from the Sun/Saurus/Man Turned Monster 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Exposure to high levels of radiation transform an atomic research scientist into a badass demon-lizard-man whenever he’s hit by sunlight. Narration advises us of the dangers of sun radiation and lets us know that Dr. Gilbert McKenna has already had his accident. Beats putting money up for a special effect. His colleagues are worried about his condition and his doctor is concerned because he’s not showing any of the negative effects one would expect when exposed to radiation. Superpowers aren’t a reality, despite what Marvel tells you, but luckily horrendous burns and cancer aren’t showing up either. Gil seems to be on the mend until that much-prescribed sunlight turns him into a crusty-faced beast. His doctor places him in a secluded room and Gil resigns within himself due to his new situation. Bullshit science explains the transformation and the inability for anyone to take responsibility puts Gil out in the wild and not under observation. So Gil is let out into the world and slips into a boozy depression. There’s a blonde bar singer and her tough-guy suitor, Gil’s sexy assistant who has the hots for the doomed scientist, nighttime walks on the beach, an expert in radiation poisoning offering a possible cure and some long monsterless stretches. Is it a comment on Gil’s alcoholism? Such lines as “Whiskey and soda mix, not whiskey and science.” and the fact that it looks like he pisses himself during the climactic transformation raises the old eyebrows or is it a cheapjack creature feature looking to make a quick buck? Why can’t it be both? We win either way.