Porcelain (USA) (2024)

⭐️⭐️1/2

I guess people should never go back home. There’s always some horrible entity working as the physical (or metaphysical) manifestation of childhood trauma. Returning home following the passing of her estranged father, Elise and her boyfriend Caleb arrive at her childhood home to handle the estate. It doesn’t take long for Elise to pick up on the fact that something dark and sinister is residing in the place and it’s getting triggered by her interaction with various objects in the house. Such objects as some antique dolls she used to play with as a child. Now, is there actually a malevolent force in the works or is Elise dealing with some deep mental scars thanks to a rough childhood? Why can’t it be both? Some disturbing flashbacks and troubling behavior are cause for concern and a few old faces from her past are around to act more than a little suspicious and one doll found discarded in the attic seems to have a disturbing effect on the young woman. An old flame shows up to reignite a spark and a local barfly fills in Caleb on the troubled past that played out in the house. Going as far to call the place cursed. The truth comes out and the inevitable tragedy that’s been on the horizon finally hits. Nicole Cinaglia co-writes, directs, produces and stars which is not only impressive in itself but even more impressive when you consider how professional it all comes off as. She’s definitely one to keep your eye on from the filmmaking standpoint, even if her performance may struggle just a bit with the dramatics needed. But performances in this type of indie horror ain’t really much of concern for me. Have you ever seen me act? It’s fucking horrible, so I won’t complain when these folks ain’t making a bunch of money for their performances. Not that anyone is awful or anything… hell, I’d say most of the cast is between capable and solid… even our leading lady is for a good amount of the time. It may be a bit predictable but it still has some atmosphere and a couple likable characters to anchor yourself to, making everything watchable and intriguing up to the point where it just goes on a little too long and gets a little too melodramatic for the actors to handle.

Shredder (2001) (USA)

aka Jason Z

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A secluded ski resort is not only playing host to a group of youthful dopes but also a skier decked out in black with an appetite for slashing. He starts the damn thing luring a moron into a wire trap which removes some fingers and, more importantly, almost severs his head completely off. Bad news for the gang of snowboarding idiots looking forward to a snowy mountain weekend getting their shred on. Kimberly Van Arx’s daddy owns (well, is about to own) the dilapidated resort and that’s good enough for the shred-heads. I mean, as long as you can shred, who cares where you’re laying your head. I assume. I’ve never gone skiing or snowboarding. It looks cold and high-effort. They pickup a handsome European guy on the way who has flashbacks to something troubling while snowboarding. It would make for a good suspect but then we see the black skier while he’s obviously having a conversation elsewhere so… so much for that. The locals ain’t welcoming, the land is supposedly haunted and the colorful cast of youthful boners are obnoxious and kind of charming. That may only be because I’ve watched a string of sleazy sixties sex films before this with characters that actually made me nauseous. After semi-seducing and bribing the local sheriff, Kimberly lets the group in on the tragic history of the place. Drunk snowboarders terrorized a little skiing girl and forced her into crashing into a tree, ending her life. That flashback looks a lot like Christophe’s flashback and he knows of the spooky legends of the ghostly girl that still haunts the land. He’s there for a reason and it’s not for shredding and banging like the other goobers. Well, he’s also there for the banging and he’s not actually European but he does have some cute buns. Death comes in the form of icicle impalement (bad karma is to blame), scarf strangulation (which leads to a darkly hilarious running sight gag), forehead penetration via ice pick (with the corpse hidden in a snowman), snow shovel bludgeoning (in a hot tub!), ski pole to the eye (through a camera! to a virgin!), fire poker stabbings (yawn), wire decapitation (on a snowmobile!) and a complete mulching thanks to a souped up industrial grade shredding truck (it’s hilarious!). There’s also the limited mobility of a struggle on a ski lift, the limited eroticism of a make out session on a ski lift and a truly applause-worthy severed head on a pole gag that earns this film some bonus points. Very dumb, very 2000s and very much in my preferred wheelhouse of horror entertainment.

Shortcut (2020) (Italy/Germany)

⭐️⭐️1/2

On a desolate road running through a secluded patch of woods, something not quite human and possibly ancient hunts. This is bad news for a group of high school friends who are riding on a tiny bus whose friendly old driver is forced to take a detour through the stretch of wilderness best left avoided. An animal carcass in the middle of the road forces the driver out of the bus. He drags the animal off to the side of the road and is taken at gunpoint by some derelict psychopath lookin’ like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. One of the kids recognizes him as a wanted lunatic with a penchant for eating tongues. So yeah, this is like the 3rd worst bus ride I’ve taken part in. The bus stalls midway through a tunnel forcing the hijacker to take a hostage and make the driver take a look at the engine. When the lights go out, something worse than a tongue-eating dude with a gun who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2 makes its presence known. One dead bus driver later and the group realize they’re in a bunch of trouble and not just because they’re stuck on a bus with a tongue-eating dude with a gun who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. He doesn’t last all that long anyways. That’s one problem solving another but that still leaves an unknown creature with a taste for blood to deal with. They’re forced to exit the bus when the creature makes it inside, so they journey out on foot, desperate for a way out of their improbable predicament. Their escape leads them deeper down into an expansive tunnel system that was probably some sort of military bunker at one point. There’s a little bonding between the kids as they search for a way out and uncover some history about the deformed monster still stalking them. It comes off a little disjointed as it fumbles while juggling horror and a vibe that I would equate to those 80’s “family” films that felt like they shouldn’t be watched by children but I am impressed in how it pulls off making a cast of teenagers all likable. It’s not a bad time, it just feels like it really could have been a better time. Also doesn’t help that some ill-advised narration opens and closes things.

Murder Obsession (1981) (Italy/France)

aka Murder Syndrome/Fear/Satan’s Alter/Unconscious/The Wailing 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Michael Stanford gets a bit too into a scene on the set of his new movie. The strangulation of his costar (lovely Laura Gemser) unsettles him and gets him thinking about his past. Michael has himself some mama issues and in a quick flash we see that at a young age he appears to have gotten a little stab-happy with his father. With the production wrapping up, Michael decides it’s time to head back home and see his mama. He brings along his girlfriend and a shit-ton of emotional baggage. Fifteen years have passed since Michael last set foot in his home and not much has changed. The loyal housekeeper, Oliver, is still creeping around the place and there's still a pretty unhealthy vibe when it comes to he and his mom's relationship. It doesn't help that he is the spitting image of his murdered dad and his mother still obviously has feelings for the deceased. Oedipal issues and knife-filled memories will have to be put on the back burner though, because Michael has invited some friends to stay at the family home and discuss a future film. The sleazy director, the assistant director and Laura Gemser arrive for a relaxing weekend... of course, we know that relaxation is almost impossible when you're getting murdered. Before the murders can commence a few threads have to be laid out. Part of the fun of this flick is just how many paths are left open and how many lead to dead ends. A quick conversation brings up reincarnation, voodoo, the occult and ghosts. Everyone eyes each other suspiciously and some weird shit starts happening. Michael acts like a complete dickhole to his caring girlfriend and she has a wonderfully weirdo nightmare with a couple zombies and a big-ass spider. It ends with her tied up to a stake with her breasts exposed, covered in rooster blood. So the opening of the film throws out a nice bit of queasiness by building the sickly foundation between mother and son, the middle injects it with a nice amount of possible oddness and then the trigger is pulled in the final act and shit goes wild. Splattery death hits like a hammer and some old family secrets are unburied. The giallo-ish story is brought to bizarre life by a tinge of the supernatural. It works so damn well that I'm surprised more films of the era didn't use it. Granted, it's not really a solid giallo and its production date puts it well at the tail end of the subgenre's popularity. Still, it does well to explain away a whole bunch of the plot holes that were prevalent (no, I'm not complaining) in those Italian murder mysteries. Familiar bits arise (black gloves, J&B, plentiful nudity) but it's all coated in a thick layer of offbeat and it's terrific.

Shock (2016) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

The staff of a psychiatric facility are being taken out by a serial killer who is more than human. He looks like a blue cat-man dressed up like a depressed businessman who has had one too many libations and I think he can suck out souls on top of being able to teleport and harness some kind of blue energy. A murdered girl’s coworker hires on an ex-cop who is now a private detective to look into things because she’s not satisfied with the current investigation and reporting. The private eye is a schlubby addict who could definitely use the work. He’s also not great at dialogue delivery but that may be an English comprehension issue so I won’t fault him there, this language is complicated and dumb enough without some loser who watches shit horror needling in on it. Although he is played by the film’s writer, so it may be a vanity thing and in that case; shame on you (but also thank you). Private Dick David Evans digs into the case as more employees of Kingdom Psychiatric Hospital get their life force sucked out of their stupid mouths by the glowing-eyed blue cat-man. David is given unfettered access to the hospital by the head doctor and teams up with the head of security (his ex who originally hired him on) Maria Mitchell to find the culprit. The victims have Arabic etchings on them that point towards some kind of vengeance being in the works. David stumbles through the investigation, talking to a slew of people who may have scored their roles by being present at the coffee shop the director was grabbing some java from and also keeps seeing some dude who looks like a discarded SFX test from Sleepwalkers. David just assumes he’s hallucinating him and it may have something to do with his disgraceful last case as a police officer. Awkward melodrama, which could have worked with better performers but probably would have been annoying anyways, takes up a chunk of the brief runtime but there is a hilarious flashback to the shooting of a child, some truly subpar fight choreography and a monster that would have fit well on a throwaway episode of Buffy. They tried and they failed but I respect that. I also have a sick fascination with silly vanity projects, so I probably enjoyed this more than I should have.

To Let (2006) (Spain)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A young couple with a baby on the way are in desperate need of an apartment, with only 15 days left in their old place before they have to move out. Mario finds a flyer in his mailbox for a huge rental at an amazing price. He picks up Clara from her job at the hospital and they drive to the outskirts of the city. Wifey is none too happy with the abandoned neighborhood but the real estate agent assures them that it’s a city on the upswing and the building is being renovated. She assures them there’s two other renters, one of them a nice young family. Clara has a dizzy spell and goes to lay down. Mario discovers an identical pair of sneakers he had just thrown out and Clara finds a framed photo of themselves in the bedroom. Then shit really hits the fan. I usually don’t mind throwing out spoilers when it serves to help flesh out a review but I’m just gonna leave this one as is. It’s a damn near perfect film only losing some points thanks to annoying camera work. It gets violent and plenty of trauma is endured. Check it out and find out for yourself.

Love Brides of the Blood Mummy (1973) (Spain/France)

aka Lips of Blood/The Secret of the Egyptian Mummy 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Weirdo piece of Eurotrash sustains itself with an oddball score and a Franco-esque dream quality throughout its 82 minute runtime. The Earl of Dartmoor has found a perfectly preserved Egyptian prince inside of a recently discovered sarcophagus. After reading a manuscript found with the mummy, he learns that he can revive the Liza-Minnelli-looking prince with a mixture of copper and zinc. He soon realizes (as most people in his position do) that bringing the dead back to life never really works in one’s favor. The mummy uses his hypnotic powers to enslave the Earl’s loyal servant. Now locked up in his castle’s dungeon, the Earl can only stand by helpless as the revived prince feeds on the blood of various young women collected by the servant. Things go from bad to worse when the Earl’s pretty young daughter returns to the family castle along with her lovely friend. It’s cheap and slow moving but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t intrigued the whole time. There’s no bandages but there is an Egyptian prince riding a horse in the Spanish countryside and a severed hand moving about and getting whipped. I loved it, but I also feel like I should have hated it. Take that as you will.