The Alien Factor (1978) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The small Maryland town of Perry Hill is terrorized by a batch of aliens when their containment ship crashes in the nearby hills. Town doctors and the sheriff are left scratching their noggins as various townsfolk we don’t give a shit about come to a nasty end. The mayor is breathing down the sheriff’s neck because they can’t have any scandal what with the upcoming construction of a huge entertainment complex right outside of town which would mean nothing but profits for his small patch of Southeastern American heaven. He refuses to let the sheriff call in state police and demands he and his deputy take care of things. Mustachioed Mr. Zachary arrives from the nearby observatory and, due to his interest in the supernatural, is tracking a meteor crash from a few days back. After a psychic communication with an alien in a white wig and a tracksuit, Mr. Zachary learns the ship contained specimens for an intergalactic zoo which are now running rampant in the Maryland countryside. A journalist looks into things, you can feel the Mid-Atlantic winter in your bones, the soundtrack is an abuse to the ears, Mr. Zachary has a few secrets up his sleeves, a crispy looking man-thing vanishes for a large chunk of the movie, a stop motion lizard beast is invisible for most of the runtime, a spider-gorilla doesn’t get enough screen time and the same goes for the red-crustacean-looking thing. Don Dohler whips out the regional monster charm and shows what some fun costumes and a cast that was probably paid in beer can do for your low-budget creature feature.

The Mummy’s Hand (1940) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

When a busted vase is found in an Egyptian bazaar, New York archeologist Steve Banning is sure he’s discovered a map to the lost tomb of Princess Ananka. He and his goofy partner attempt to get funding from the Cairo Museum but are thwarted by the museum head, Professor Andoheb (George Zucco). Andoheb claims the vase is a fake but we already know he’s the new high priest of an ancient sect, charged with protecting the tomb from desecration. A chance encounter puts Steve in contact with stage magician The Great Solvani, who is convinced to fund the expedition with a promise of an equal split for all the treasures found within the final resting place of the princess. Solvani’s daughter Marta tags along to make sure these mysterious New Yorkers aren’t defrauding her father with their talk of secret tombs and lost riches. When they discover the mummy of Kharis (he was in love with Ananka and horrifically punished by being mummified alive for defying the gods after attempting to bring her back when she died) they know they are getting close to their destination. Andoheb knows they are close too and uses the powerful tana leaves to resurrect Kharis and kill off the snooping Americans. At just over an hour, The Mummy’s Hand never bores and benefits from taking place almost completely in the desert (or a Universal backlot if you wanna be technical). The cast is likable enough and Tom Tyler’s mummy makes for an imposing monster hidden under some of Jack Pierce’s creepiest makeup. The comic relief grates a bit and it could have used more mummy action.

Al Filo Del Terror (1990) (Mexico)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

An abusive ventriloquist (to his daughter and his dummies) loses his mind as he is greeted by failure after failure. His daughter has bonded with the dummies and tries to protect them from the assaults of her father. It all leads to violence, fraud, kidnapping and murder. Bizarro film that plays it straight even as the dummies come to life portrayed by actors of short stature. Slow burner but worth it.

London Haunting (2015) (UK)

aka A Date with Ghosts 

⭐️

A good time in an abandoned abbey is not had when any idiot who stumbles around the admittedly awesome location disturbs the angry ghosts of long-dead monks. Ooops! I really hate it when that happens. Undead monks are cool as fuck so optimism was ravaging my body as the credits began. That optimism became shaky as the credits looked like they belonged in a PS1 game and then atrocious sound design and overbearing piano music played over the opening scene of some bird prettying herself up. Ok. At least I know the money wasn’t spent on an audio team… hope it went to the spooky monks that will be knocking off the British dopes. Awkward edits and B-roll soon followed and I am really burying all of my hopes in the presentation of ghostly monks from beyond the grave. The opening stretch has a couple come across a scared and injured girl while they drive past the abbey. They feel guilty and go back to check on her but judging by the day to night to day trip back, this girl would be long dead upon the unlikable duos return. Their less than convincing performances have me crossing my fingers that every ounce of talent went towards the horrific phantom monks who roam the abbey in search for fresh flesh. Oh no. Night falls, the monks show up looking like heroin addicts with black digital effects for eyes and then day immediately hits and then turns into night again. My head hurts. The couple make their way into the nearby church (which is also cheaply gorgeous) and the ghost monks follow looking like a special effect out of an episode of Goosebumps (the original, budget-strained one). They hide from the ghost monk and find a battered woman stored in a wooden coffin, she has no idea why she’s there. Her last memory is being at her home and her family getting murdered. She warns that the monks are ghosts and they’re trying to open a gateway to Hell. How she knows this, I’m not sure but our leading lady takes her word for it. Her boyfriend, Lee, vanishes and the ghost monks cut him open on an alter and his lady and the coffin lady run in slow motion through the woods. My head hurts. Green screen special effects that were pieced together by someone who has never used them and a narrative that feels like someone had a script which read “GHOST MONKS! AAAARGH?!” combine with the poor everything else to let me know that no money was saved for anything because there wasn’t any money to begin with. The monks hate holy water and crosses… yet still walk within the church and several Halloween store props are put to use. PART 2 hits the screen and text from Jack Foster’s diary entry lets us know that he can’t escape the abbey and he also can’t spell “escape”. Black and white footage which may have been taken during a tour and more green screen is joined by slow bread slicing and weak ghost-monk makeup. We switch back to color film and join Jack and his little sister hiding out in the catacombs, attempting to figure a way out of their predicament. An old scroll that looks pretty damn fresh tells Jack how to send the monks back to Hell or maybe not… it was kind of muttered by our hero. The siblings find a crying girl in the church but I think it’s a different church than the one from the first part… or maybe that wasn’t a church at all. My head hurts. Part one and part two characters cross paths and it all leads to a drawn out bunch of nothing. This movie is a mess that has some cool locations but nothing else for fans of anything approaching competence. Luckily, I’ve never found competence all that necessary in my genre entertainment so I probably enjoyed this more than most. Don’t take that as a recommendation, it still sucks. It just sucks so hard that I’m a little impressed over how ill-prepared the people behind this were. Here’s a few pieces of knowledge you’ll walk away from this movie with.

- If you need holy water, throw a crucifix in a bowl of lake water.
- Any baseball bat becomes a weapon of God if you draw a lowercase “t” on it with a marker.
- Ghost monks love Renaissance Fair weapons
- Being run through with a sword doesn’t really hurt all that much
- Little sisters have no peripheral vision
- Some people shouldn’t be filmed sword fighting

Death Whisperer (2023) (Thailand)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Young soldier Yak returns home to his tight-knit family just as a malicious entity sets its sights on his sisters. The opening bloody end of another young girl lets us know that the endgame is a messy one. A horrific ghost and a ghastly hag begin to reveal themselves to the sisters and Yam gets chosen as a host for the evil thing. Yak’s homecoming is already a bit shaky outside of the supernatural forces slowly growing in power. His strict father seems to be a bit unhappy with his attitude, which comes off like a sheltered kid experiencing the freedom of adulthood for the first time, and his brother is resentful that he left for the army and forced the remaining men in the family to pick up more of the hard farm work. Still, the sisters are happy their brother is home and mom is pleased as punch that her baby boy is back. So, family dramatics are prevalent but easier to handle than the preternatural terror that’s about to turn everything on its head. Yam grows sicker and develops a real shitty attitude towards her family. Dad’s farm help quits but refuses to say what has caused the trepidation with staying on for the well-payed work and the youngest sibling, Yee, grows terrified of her older sister. Oldest sister, Yad, lets her brother’s know that she’s been hearing the voice of a woman whispering in the night and believes it ties into Yam’s current state and Yak is pretty sure something awful is in the works. Yak brings his friend, Sergeant Paphan, into the fold and he immediately recognizes the fact that a local crazy woman who practices black magic has taken hold of the young girl. It’s a solid spook show that veers into delightful corniness with its “family strength” message. But there’s also some horrific violence and more than few bodily fluids to bring ya right back down to the disgusting earth you’d expect. Part ABC Family movie and part Evil Dead with a hefty helping of Hong Kong insanity and a dash of Indonesian chills… I dig it.

Alien Nightmare X (2018) (Russia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The reptile-aliens have taken over the Earth and two Russian dinks were lucky enough to escape in one of their enemy’s flying saucers. The ship shuts down and our heroes, Victor and Alex, cruise right on into a wormhole. The wormhole shoots ‘em onto the planet Silius where the shadow government agency they work for (naturally, The Illuminati) has been performing experiments to aid in the oncoming war with the aliens. It’s like earth but with a funky neon pink sky. They’re sent by their boss to make contact with a colony that has been set up on Silius. They find it destroyed and their boss orders them back to Earth. Silius is blown up just as they make their escape. Our heroes return four years later and find their home planet in ruins and crawling with the alien scum. Their boss is still kicking and giving orders. Terramorph towers have been erected all over the planet and it’s turning the Earth into a tropical hellscape full of various things that can kill you. Luckily our boys cross paths with a badass warrior who calls himself The Possessed and doesn’t take any shit from the creatures now inhabiting Earth. There’s a lot wrapped up in its brief 60 minute runtime and it all plays out with excited glee, presented through bargain store practical effects work and even cheaper digital effects. Big-ass toy robots scuffle, there’s an animated backstory, 8-Bit traveling and the warrior’s dead brother shows up as an alien-resurrected murder machine with a chainsaw. Some shit doesn’t make sense but who cares? It’s all pretty damn fun.

AVP: Alien vs Predator (2004) (Canada/Czechia/Germany/UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️

When an ancient pyramid is discovered through a Weyland Industries satellite two thousand feet below Antarctic ice, Weyland (Lance Henriksen) assembles a team of scientists and soldiers for an expedition. The dying Weyland wants to leave his mark on the world before he shuffles off. It proves to be an idiotic choice when the temple’s true purpose is made known. It turns out the place is a huge hunting ground for an alien race’s manhood ritual. Teenage Predators journey there to hunt the super dangerous xenomorphs and become adequate Bill Paxton killers. It doesn’t take long for the Weyland team to be trapped and separated in the pyramid and it takes even less time for most of them to end up murdered by the two races of fighting aliens. Dumb as fuck film has the Predators mostly getting their asses handed to them and a spattering of poorly rendered digital violence visited upon the humans. The underrated and super badass Colin Salmon shows up to steal his minimal scenes and you can just add that to the large list of underutilized and wasted awesomeness. There’s some dumb fun to be had but as a fan of both franchises, it’s hard to look past what could have been.