Rorschach (2015) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Strange occurrences centered around a seven-year-old girl has her mom reaching out to a couple skeptical researchers, hoping to uncover some kind of an answer. Mom hasn’t gone undisturbed by the oddness in her suburban home and has even caught some spooky phenomenon on her phone. The two scientists look for a logical explanation as they go through the home and collect as much evidence as they can. There’s a large creepy doll the family found in the garage when they moved in that the daughter has named Patrick, alarms the mother has installed on all the doors because of their penchant for opening unprovoked, scratching in the walls and other slight spookiness that works to establish a solid vibe. Ricky and Ross leave equipment with Jamy to set up and constantly record, no matter how tedious it may seem, coming back to continue tracking the activity and assisting however they can. Jamy’s continuing lack of answers, even after bringing in help, are frustrating but phantom taps aren’t exactly solid proof for the two men. Still, they think they may be onto something substantial. They call in a plumber (which Ross thinks is pointless) to confirm it’s not just pipes and the tradesman flees from the home, freaked out by something. The activity begins to unsettle Ricky and Ross as well but intrigue has a way of silencing fear, especially in spooky movies. A deliberately slow pace works well thanks to the clinical atmosphere the movie is attempting and the solid performances of the small cast keeps it all believable while the activity maintains an even pace. The completely believable buildup reminded me of The Last Broadcast’s similarly grounded first and second act which were completely betrayed by the climax that pissed on all the stellar foundation and ultimately ruined the experience. Luckily, this one doesn’t betray its presentation which may anger some due to an ending that doesn’t offer up much action or resolution but this idiot felt that C.A. Smith crafted an impressively unsettling experience by never pushing things towards the ridiculous.

HorrorGirl (1995) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Gorotica was blessed with presence of one Getty Chasun. Her uninhibited and unhinged performance as true lead Carrie in that movie made you stand up and take notice… most likely in more than one way. So, I jumped at the chance to see her give it another go. The fact that it was a mid-90’s SOV flick about a drummer knocking off folks at a battle of the bands contest that I had never heard of and ran under an hour just sweetened the pot. Getty is Creatura, she’s in a band called HorrorGirl with her friend who she dropped out of City College with. Also in the band is some dude who dies mid performance due to an electrical accident. Naturally, they bring him back to life with more electricity. So they all start howling like wolves. Ok. One year passes and an awkward conversation happens at a pizza parlor that would not pass any health inspection. The pizza maker looks like an Italian Edgar Wright in poor health. A pizza delivery guy gets held up at gunpoint but fends them off with his gun. The band watches this and eventually distract the delivery guy and steal the pizza. They eat and get to playing music that sounds like early Filter streamed through a heroin overdose by a Krysten Ritter impersonator. The delivery guy follows them to the cellar they’re practicing their awful music in just in time to witness the landlord cuss them out and threaten to evict them. This is why the battle of the bands really needs to be won by our… I guess we can call them “heroes”. Underground horror and underground music go hand in hand in that they’re concealed far away from the mainstream for a good reason. Flower pasties forming the eyes of the skull you painted on your exposed chest and then dancing in front of a leering camera while your band waits to perform makes me happy I never heeded the call of the underground. These people are far too insufferable for me. Some evil bald guy takes notice of the drummer, rancid music happens that Yoko Ono would probably shut off for being “too much”, Getty Chasun makes for an undeniably impressive lead singer (she has stage presence in droves), their performance is well received, the pizza boy tracks them to the club, the VIP afterparty looks about as fun as an orgy where you’re guaranteed at least one fatal STD, boots are licked, nipples are pinched, a spell is cast and boredom is experienced. Two hours into the fifty minute movie, the drummer finally becomes a greasepaint nightmare and fashions herself into a murder machine by jamming plastic cutlery into her fingers and teeth. Creatura knows something is up and excuses herself from an amazingly unappetizing bone-session to figure out what is going down. It climaxes in the cheapest version of the astral plane you will ever witness (green screen, slow-motion acting and plenty of Saran Wrap). Hit that happy ending! The gutter aesthetic is present and accounted for, it just feels like most of the damn thing is an inside joke that maybe they weren’t even in on. I’m aware that I’m an amateur horror apologist, which I apologize for (INCEPTED!), but here even I’m a little hesitant to ride with the vibe. Whereas Hugh Gallagher and Charles Pinion used their outsider mentality to form a kind of cohesive insanity expressed through dumpster horror, Raoul Vehill feels just kind of lost in his own anger and confusion… a little too cautious to add any kind of form to the void he’s throwing on screen. Interesting? Begrudgingly, yes. Entertaining? Unfortunately, no. Getty Chasun is still a national treasure.

Killer Mermaid (2014) (Serbia/Montenegro/Poland)

aka Nymph/Dark Sea 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Two vacationing women make an ill-advised trip to check out the abandoned military fortress on the island of Mamula while meeting up with a friend in Montenegro. Another ill-advised choice, as one of the girls was a college sweetheart of the man they’re meeting and the tension with his fiancée hits almost immediately. The female problems will have to take a back seat because some creep is hanging around the not-so-abandoned island protecting its secrets. If you need a hint as to what the biggest secret is, just read the movie title again. The fish-human hybrid has a taste for flesh and whoever the creep is has no problem using life-ending techniques to protect the lady-fish… or feed her. The girls, their friend and his lady are joined by local goof Boban and ignore the warnings of Franco fuckin’ Nero to do a little exploring on the ominous island. A woman in a well puts them in the sights of the lunatic and violent ends await most of our heroes. The location and leads are easy on the eyes and Franco Nero is wandering around lookin’ mighty sinister and obviously waiting in the wings to be a hero and explain what the hell is going on. Add in some enjoyable violence, a silly-lookin’ monster with a cgi fin and a suitably eerie siren song and you got a good enough time waster.

Why Us? (2012) (France)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Five friends film their weekend getaway after one of the group’s fathers invites them to stay at his rural home. This home movie is being watched by two men who are discussing a horrible virus that is quickly spreading and proving to be difficult to contain, so we know things are going to go wrong but it seems this level of wrongness is going to effect things on a global scale. Convenient introductions and bad dad jokes are slightly endearing but feel like a waste of tape. I think back to the home movies me and my friends once made and realize this is pretty spot on… and we didn’t have access to any attractive women. You win this round, Why Us? During a pee break, one of the girls finds a door in the middle of the woods that leads into a cavernous bunker. Curious idiots that these French twenty-something’s are, they force it open and head inside. Total darkness and electronic beats greet them (it may just be the soundtrack… which the movie shouldn’t have… but I like to think every French cave system is constantly blaring beats that make you want to shake your hips and groove) as they explore. They come across a small lab set up, playing with shit they probably shouldn’t be touching (why open sealed bottles and handle shit that’s stained with blood?!?) and finding an old camera. They finally decide to exit after probably infecting themselves with God knows whatever shit weirdos experiment on in a cave-lab but the way they made it in has been sealed behind them. So they go hunting for another way out and something starts hunting them. Slightly above average found footage shenanigans never gets too annoying and features some electro beats that really shouldn’t be there but I enjoyed nonetheless. It’s simple and moves fast enough to not send me to sleep, that’s all I can really ask for in a shaky-cam horror flick on Tubi. The bookends are pretty pointless.

Doctor Blood’s Coffin (1961) (UK)

⭐️⭐️

Multiple disappearances near a small Cornish village have the locals confused and wondering if the perpetrator could be hiding out in the vast mine system running underneath their town. What we know and they don’t is that whatever the hell a scientist is getting up to in his lab set in the abandoned mine is to blame. They would be mighty suspicious if they did and I would as well. It’s a laboratory in a fucking mine and the doctor’s last name is Blood… if they knew the score, I’m sure the villagers would have already set him on fire. Anyways, Dr. Peter Blood (oddly handsome Kieran Moore… he’s got the distinct features of a middle-aged Elliot Gould but also looks like he smells of spiced-meats and vinegar) is definitely placing his scientific mind in realms he shouldn’t be and working on reviving the dead. Dr. Blood’s father is the local doctor and his hawt nurse (Hazel Court) develops a crush on the recently arrived younger Blood… Doctor Blood. Peter’s Godless work is set up to be a puzzle and all that, but if you haven’t figured it out two minutes in… you may have brain damage… it’s fine, I’ll feed you soup and make sure you always have a blanket covering your legs. Like FDR… my cute little FDR. Where was I? Oh yeah, so for about the first twenty minutes of the flick, I think it’s supposed to be a mystery that Peter is the nut-bar putzing around in God’s domain and the interest Ms. Court shows in him sets him as the other half of a romantic coupling but love never mixes with psychotic obsession and only ends in tragedy. A bunch doesn’t happen as Peter attempts to keep his work a secret and plenty of talking goes down. We finally get a zombie as everything goes to hell and end credits are just on the horizon. It’s not bad thanks to a solid cast and some fun sinister shenanigans but it wastes a bunch of time by just edging ya with the promise of the walking dead.

Blood Harvest (2023) (USA)

⭐️

Thanks to her husband’s gambling debts and lack of employment, Jessica and her family move into a farm owned by her uncle Ollie. Her psychic son Jake begins having visions of a horrible murder almost immediately. These visions feature a distressed woman begging for her life and the folks forcing her into whatever the hell they’re doing, talking of a sacrifice needed to save the crops. Not a great start to a shitty situation caused by husband Neil. Jake and his sister Maggie start looking into the odd bones of the farm and Uncle Ollie seems put-off by the new living situation. All I’ll say on that is the townsfolk were a bit pushy about Ollie letting the family come stay at his home. There’s a whole bunch of people making serious faces and off-putting sound design (which drowns out some dialogue) while everyone walks around and acts cranky. There’s a bunch of flashbacks to go along with the other flashbacks presented as psychic visions which pop up randomly and feature Robert LaSardo. There’s also a menacing scarecrow out in the field. Jason London is there as a townie and I don’t know why but I always find it comforting that he’s seemingly aging realistically. Neil (looking like the punchable offspring of William Fichtner and WWE ref Charles “Lil Naitch” Robinson) is one hell of a chode, mom is concerned but she’s also a moron, modern-day Robert LaSardo warns the sister she needs to take her brother and flee, a ghost communicates through an old CB radio and you spend a lot of the opening act just waiting for Neil to get what’s coming to him. The kids are set up for slaughter to insure prosperity but of course things go wrong and the corpses pile up. LaSardo and London are an asset but are underutilized and when things finally do get somewhat interesting, there’s been too much of nothing for far too long involving people who are way too unlikable to let the film slip into my good graces. They also use that opening heavy breathing and whispering of “get ready” from WWE’s The Brood entrance music. I’m not sure why but it was something I noticed that made me smile, and I was desperate for anything to bring me joy during the trek through this pointless swamp of shit. The poster makes it look like we may have a killer scarecrow on our hands… I assure you, we do not.

Blood Monkey (2007) (Thailand)

aka Empire of Apes 

⭐️1/2

Bad acting abounds in this boring waste of a movie. Academy Award winning actor F. Murray Abraham portrays Professor Hamilton and he has taken a group of college scientists to explore an untouched and previously undiscovered valley. Of course, there is a race of super intelligent, murder crazy and barely seen blood monkeys calling the valley home. Could it have worked as a man vs nature flick? Possibly, but the characters are so annoying, the CGI is shit and nothing happens for the majority of the flick that one’s mind begins to wander. There are some laughable scenes such as Academy Award winning actor F. Murray Abraham’s hilarious death monologue and the exclamation from an anthropologist/jock after being accidentally shot of “Why?! Why did you shoot me? Ow!” Besides this, you’re better off watching paint dry.