Savage Harvest 2: October Blood (2006) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Tyge Murdock, a low-budget horror filmmaker, returns to his hometown to do a little inward thinking after an actor dies on the set of his latest film. He runs into his ex high school sweetheart, Ashley Lomack, who peaced on out of his life after her sister was the sole survivor of a brutal massacre (the events of Savage Harvest, of course). Ashley is back in town following the appearance of a strange tape featuring her blood-covered sister (who committed suicide five years later) asking for help. Tyge crashes at his best friend’s house, who has also let his buddy Zack move in after his family was murdered in the same massacre... it was his uncle’s land where it all went down. Turns out Zack sent Ashley the tape that his cop buddy gave him in order to get Ashley back in town to help him uncover the weird shit that happened ten years ago. They head to Ashley’s grandparents house (the spot where her older sister took her life) to look around, Ashley wants closure and Zack is convinced she left something there that will clue him in on the reasoning behind all the awfulness. Well, Zack ends up being right and he discovers a vhs tape stashed in a crawl space. After a lot of talk and personal issues getting dwelled on, one of the dinks finally gets possessed and the blood starts spilling. They get trapped on the farm along with some other folks unfortunate enough to wander onto the property and those pesky demonic animal spirits work their way through the cast. Budweiser gets guzzled, flesh gets torn and the film runs way longer than it has any right to. The exposition-heavy opening doesn’t drag as much as it really should and the backyard splatter breathes life into the tail-end but it’s still just a bit more boring than enjoyable. If you got yourself a fetish for chainsaw violence, make sure to stick around.

Rage of the Mummy (2018) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Collecting thirteen sacred relics from the tomb of Prince Horus-Kan, a group of thieving occultists (The Pharaohs of Darkness) harness these items to increase their supernatural powers. Well, Horus-Kan may be three thousand years old, but he ain’t gonna take this insult standing down. Up he rises and goes on a collecting and murdering spree. This puts two dumpy detectives (Blake and Crawford) on the case and trying (and mostly failing) to stop the dead thing’s reign of terror. A narrator lets us know what’s going down so we don’t have to try to figure out any god damn thing for ourselves… it’s fine, it features a flash of a fire goddess who may be a local stripper and I’m oddly comfortable with that. It also uses poorly presented comic book panels to get around filming some of the bits that may have been outside of their ability to show and stuff that they just didn’t have the time to explain. What is it about Colorado and cheapjack horror mixing so damn well? Is it the elevation? The marijuana? The extensive amount of breweries? Maybe something in the water? Who knows, I’m just glad these folks get how to have fun with low-rent monsters. The mummy looks ugly as all hell and it’s wonderful. Lookin’ like someone wrapped bandages around and dried out The Haunted Mask from the Goosebumps show. So that ugly bastard wanders around with a nasty lookin’ blade, visiting the poor dopes who collected his things and taking them out with brutal efficiency. He shoots bandages out of his fingers to wrap up the dinks and then chops their noggins off. I dig that, no matter how cheaply it’s pulled off. There’s child psychics, trippy sequences involving that fire-stripper (or fire goddess Sekka or something) I mentioned earlier, houses that I think I’ve crashed on the couches of, alleys I’ve probably thrown up in, lightning bolts shot from fingers, locals serving as actors and not a mean bone to be found anywhere. Dennis Vincent’s heart is in the right place and it’s beating in rhythm with my monster-kid ass, which helps when the budget doesn’t align with one’s vision. If Mr. Vincent is releasing more flicks, you can just mainline it right into my dumbass veins. Creativity and monsters… it’s all you really need… especially if you’re from Colorado, apparently.

The Plague of the Zombies (1966) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A young doctor asks for the assistance of his mentor when the small village in Cornwell, where he has set up his practice, is hit by a bizarre epidemic. The villagers refusal to allow him to perform autopsies and the sinister shenanigans of the village Squire, Clive Hamilton, have left the poor Dr. Peter Thompson without any leads as to what is wiping out the townsfolk. Professor James Forbes arrives with his daughter Sylvia to bring whatever aid he can. A little digging eventually leads to the realization that voodoo is being practiced and the dead are walking... well, working in the nearby tin mines thanks to the living villagers refusing to set foot there. Unfortunately, Hamilton has just set his sights on young Sylvia and nobody has been able to stop his black magic as of yet. Another winner from Hammer features some cool looking zombies, voodoo rituals with drums and freaky masks, an excellent nightmare scene and a charmingly British group of characters. Wonderfully original outing from Hammer.

Mutants vs Amazons (2011) (USA)

⭐️

After a nuclear bomb is dropped on December 21st 2012 the world is reduced to an apocalyptic hellscape. Three... ahem... amazons in knee-highs and miniskirts stumble into a mutant-occupied building in search of supplies. They manage to kill one mutant but the other gets his hands on a gun and murders all three of them. He then bangs their corpses and doesn’t even have the decency to pull out. An ad-libbed nightmare full of up-skirt shots and bloody genitals feels more boring than sleazy. It’s hard to rate hardcore horror flicks but I’ve seen a few that have kept my interest in between the money shots. Sadly, this ain’t one of ‘em.

Blood on Satan’s Claw (1971) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Shortly after the discovery of a hideous skull in a recently plowed field, a small 17th century English village is cursed with misfortune and murder. It seems Old Scratch himself is using the seductive young Angel (Linda Hayden) to manipulate the community’s youth in a quest to make himself complete and gain power. The town soon slips into hysteria as atrocity follows atrocity. Excellent British horror flick still manages to disturb decades later. Wendy Padbury plays an unfortunate innocent victim (a scene that still manages to get under my skin), Anthony “The Master” Ainley is the village reverend and Patrick Wymark is a skeptical London judge with some extreme methods for fighting the devil. Recommended.

Sorority House Massacre II (1990) (USA)

aka Nighty Nightmare/Night Frenzy

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Five sexy college girls buy the derelict Hokstedter house, arranging to turn it into a sorority house. They spend the night in the place, planning on meeting the movers in the morning. The house has a creepy history because of course it does and it turns out the place was the spot where a man murdered his family and a group of girls having a sleepover in the neighborhood. Add a bad storm and a Ouija board séance to the equation and the gaggle of gals get themselves spooked. Doesn’t help anything that their new creepy neighbor, Orville Ketchum, gets to peeping at the minimally dressed (I mean, it is a Jim Wynorski film after all) ladies and creeps them out. The lovely ladies change into skimpy clothes and begin gettin’ knocked off by someone brandishing a meat hook. Old Man Hokstedter’s ghost may be hanging around thanks to the Ouija session, Orville is obviously insane and could be slaughtering the chickadees and two detectives (responding to a domestic disturbance call at the infamous house) are delayed due to an old bridge and heavy rainfall. Rain soaked gals (still in lingerie) grab some knives and try to survive. Scenes from 1982’s The Slumber Party Massacre serve as a flashback to the murders committed by Mr. Hokstedter. The girls are cute, the bewbs are plentiful (remember, it’s Wynorski here), the score is lovely, some humor actually lands, the scenery is chewed with vigor, there’s a strip club diversion (it’s where a survivor works) and it’s an innocent kind of sleazy ya just can’t find anymore. It’s as lovely as it is dumb and it sure as hell ain’t high art but who the fuck cares? Gail Thackray (credited as Robyn Harris) may just be the sexiest final girl in horror history… think I’ll start a fan club.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023) (USA/UK/Malta/Italy/Germany)

aka Dracula: Voyage of the Demeter

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

The year is 1897 and a Russian schooner is chartered to carry private cargo from Romania to England. If you have any knowledge of horror literature or film, you know exactly what is aboard this vessel and what horror awaits the crew. Captain Eliot (Hell yeah! It’s Liam Cunningham) keeps a journal and although he may not be there to help anyone on land, he warns that something awful was aboard and if they failed at stopping it, all hell is about to break loose on the mainland. We get the story of exactly what went down from the satin-smooth voice of Cunningham. Corey Hawkins is a doctor who gets himself hired aboard because he needs a spot to get back home to England and the ship needs a crew... it helps that he saves the life of the Captain’s grandson. Even if the captain’s number one in command (Ayyyye! It’s David Dastmalchian!) doesn’t think he’s suitable enough to be a sailor. The symbol of the dragon on the mysterious crate being shipped has more than a few people spooked and unwilling to join the journey. Further foreboding hits when it’s revealed a woman was stowed away aboard the ship in one of the crates. And to think, good weather and a nice bonus had their voyage off to such a promising start. And as we already know, this sick woman in need of a blood transfusion ain’t the only stowaway. A monstrous vampire by the name of Dracula is aboard and very hungry. The creature makes quick work of the livestock (and unfortunately the ship’s dog) and they land on it maybe being rabies causing the animals to go insane. Still, folks begin to turn on each other. Well, at least on the dark-skinned doctor they’ve never sailed with and the woman who shouldn’t be there. I mean, if anyone jumped to the conclusion that some kind of albino bat-rat-looking human-demon were aboard, they should probably be tossed into the sea. So I get it. One crew member got a quick look at whatever the hell is stalking the ship but is having a tough time getting anyone to believe him. Bad weather and a lack of rats aboard also adds to some troubled vibes and eventually dead sailors with ripped throats confirm something nasty has hitched a ride. The girl finally regains consciousness and lets them know they’re pretty much fucked. Survival becomes key as more folks get got. Worse than the dead men are the ones who survive a bite because they’re quickly tainted and become slaves to the master. The set design is awesome (who doesn’t love an old ship getting rain swept?) and Dracula is definitely looking more Barlow than Lugosi which is how I prefer my undead blood drinkers. There’s not many options for escape (unless you’re fine with drowning) so it makes sense that everyone is doing their damndest to get out of this impossible situation with their life intact and we’re fortunate enough to have a strong cast adding some class to the characters.