Blood Gorge (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Looking to connect with the kind of Halloween fun they had as children, a group of friends head out from Detroit for some solitude and quiet Devil’s Night revelries. That proves to be a fatal mistake because someone in a cheap yet unsettling mask is picking ‘em off at his, her or their leisure. Although, since he/she/they has already done away with a few of them even before they leave, I guess if they had just stayed at home they would have been fucked as well. What follows is forty minutes of splatter at a backyard budget with a Midwest aura that just hits me in the warm and fuzzies. The characters are ass and irritating as hell but god do I hate to admit just how truthful they ring when it comes to that bored teenage bullshit. Wait. I don’t think they’re supposed to be teenagers… okay, twenty-somethings who have a lack of development. And they’re not long for this world, so… it’s a wash. The comedy is cringy but charming for being as daft as it is because it feels like all that horror-nerd, obnoxious goofing you found in dozens of SOV flicks that polluted my VCR growing up and the plot is exactly what one would expect. These charm-voids are meat for the butcher and little else. Massive head trauma, dildo strangulation, face smashing, guts stabbin’ and every other use for butcher shop throwaways these kids could find make it on screen. A disemboweling leads to a nicely-sweatered man mumble-crying “I need those! I need those!” I can appreciate that. It’s not amateur enough to get in that neighborhood insanity aura I usually fall in love with but it’s also not long enough to severely piss me off.

Monster Grizzly (2023) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Endless fracking in its territory sends a big-ass grizzly bear into a small town during a nasty blizzard. Bad news for the townspeople who seem pretty adept at getting mauled by a giant bear. Minnesotans speak at a volume like they’re in a library run by a Nazi librarian and look either miserably cold or like their knee pain is acting up… needless to say, I sympathized with the lot of them. The question remains as the corpses of animals and people show up: “If it is a bear, why the hell isn’t it hibernating and why the hell is it just discarding its kills?” The weather gets worse, the temperature drops and the bear savages more dopes. There’s a romance angle between two cops which has the erotic chemistry of an asexual woman and her gay roommate Kevin to fill the time in between the bear attacks that the film’s budget doesn’t really allow for. Don’t worry though, they hide it with awkward editing, slow motion and still photography accompanied by dramatic music. Not tempting enough? How about a script that I’m guessing was a title page followed by a note that said “I don’t know. Talk?” Everyone apparently owns the same shotgun, which they grab as soon as they walk outside to investigate growling and then are found dead the next day. Maybe it gets inherited by everyone? I’m not sure how things are done in tiny Minnesota towns. Digital snow somehow looks less impressive than the poorly rendered grizzly but neither of them hold a candle to the bear expert when it comes to lacking credibility. A whole bunch of chatter that doesn’t feel scripted and is delivered with nothing close to anything approaching emotion is almost all this thing offers. On the plus side, the shitty bear attacks may not grace our presence that often but they are my kind of trash and had me grinning like an idiot and director/writer Richard Douglas Jensen is so damn likable as the agitated sheriff that I was rooting for him the whole time… even if he writes himself to hook up with the hawt grizzly bear expert. Still; it’s like a dream birthed by the world’s most boring person who happens to be in a coma, really misses their Midwestern hometown during winter and is kinda terrified of bears. Listen, I give these no-budget things a bunch of leeway because I love the fact that they exist even though they feel like they should be hidden in an attic somewhere, waiting to be discovered when mourning family is cleaning out their dearly departed’s junk. I know it’s not anything that should be considered “classically watchable” but I’m still here smiling like I’m looking at a breakfast table where all my friends and family are sitting down together for the first time in years.

Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities (2022) (USA/Mexico)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

That portly magical man of the macabre introduces a handful of twisted tales with varying degrees of terror.

Lot 36
dir: Guillermo Navarro tp: Regina Corrado
Based on a story by Guillermo del Toro
S01 E01 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Looking to pay off an extensive and dangerous debt, a desperate and miserable man (Tim Blake Nelson, playing a loser in his usual terrific manner) gets his hands on a storage unit filled with some old crap. We already know something ain’t right about the damn thing, as the now deceased owner used to visit daily with a box full of animal meat. Not good. As Nelson goes through the abandoned belongings, he discovers some troubling history, disturbing antiques and a false wall. An exceptional cast (Sebastian Rosché as an antiques dealer and Demetrius Grosse as the caretaker of the storage facility and Nelson’s partner in whatever semi-legal scheme they’re into) adds fire to the familiar story as it draws to its inevitable ending. Lovecraftian nightmares await when a magnificently-realized demon is discovered and all hell breaks loose. Nothing new but still enjoyable and a fine introduction to the series.

Graveyard Rats
dir/tp: Vincenzo Natali based on a short story by Henry Kuttner
S01 E02 

⭐️⭐️1/2

David Hewlett plays a cunning and sleazy grave robber whose greedy eye is focused on a wealthy corpse recently interred at the cemetery where he works as caretaker. The titular rats have made his living quite difficult and some gambling debts have made him quite desperate, which leads to him getting trapped in the underground tunnels below the graveyard, attempting to get at the deceased man’s riches after the pesky rats drag everything into the catacombs they call home. Confined in the tight spaces and surrounded by rats is a real nightmare which gets even worse when something far more terrifying is revealed. The set design and lead performance steal the show but it still feels a bit lackluster in presentation.

The Autopsy
dir: David Prior tp: David S Goyer based on a short story by Michael Shea
S01E03 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A medical examiner (an excellent F. Murray Abraham) is called in to a small town by his old-friend/town-sheriff (an equally excellent Glynn Turman) to look over a dead body discovered in the woods. He shares with his friend the strange shit that has lead up to his arrival. The culminating death of a handful of miners and their murderer is what brings the coroner to town as he works on the cadavers through the night. Things get weird and the answers appear to be unbelievable. The less said the better when it comes to this magnificent bit of nightmare fuel.

The Outside
dir: Ana Lily Amirpour tp: Haley Z. Boston based on a short story by Emily Carroll
S01 E04 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Stacey (Kate Micucci) is a mousy and awkward young woman who wants desperately to fit in with the awful women she works with, even if her cop husband (Martin Starr) likes her just the way she is. A Secret Santa party leads to her getting some exclusive lotion which causes a bad allergic reaction. Things get weird when the late night commercial for the very lotion that caused her face to break out begins talking to her… in the form of a white-haired Dan Stevens, stealing the show as usual. Her reaction keeps getting worse but the commercial convinces her she is well on her way to the “new you”. Skin peeling, a stellar mustache, taxidermy and murder all play out in a familiar but expertly crafted descent into just how shitty it can be when you’re born with two X chromosomes.

Pickman’s Model
dir: Keith Thomas tp: Lee Patterson based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft
S01 E05 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

We finally get to Lovecraft and it’s a tale that holds a special place in my heart because it’s the first Lovecraft I read. Such a lovely innocent time before finding out he was super racist. Anyways, William Thurber (The Punisher’s Ben Barnes) is an art student who crosses paths with an introverted artist by the name of Richard Pickman (holy hell, it’s Crispin Glover) who’s breathtakingly terrifying works begin to have an effect on Will. Will begins obsessing over Pickman’s nightmarish images, which he seems unable to master but that may be because Pickman’s family history is a solid mix of terrible and supernatural. That latter part is going to start fucking with Will and things will only get worse when several decades pass and ol’ Dick Pickman comes back into Will’s life, bringing more than just his unsettling works. Successfully draws out the pretty thin original and pulls off being somewhere along the lines of a really good episode of Tales from the Darkside… that’s not an insult.

Dreams in the Witch House
dir: Catherine Hardwicke tp: Mika Watkins based on a short story by H.P. Lovecraft
S01 E06 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Researcher Rupert Grint witnessed his twin sister’s death and then her abduction into a strange dimension when he was a child. Now, he spends his time looking for some way to bridge into the beyond and get his sister back. His work with the Massachusetts Spiritual Society has lead to nothing but charlatans until he’s introduced to a Navajo drug which allows him access into what’s called The Forest of Lost Souls. The reunion happens but only lasts as long as the drug does and on his last visit he figures out he can bring things back with him. This leads him to investigate the former residence of a witch who could gain access to other worlds. The house is now a decrepit boarding house, home to a landlady, an artist who our hero has already come across getting kicked out of the Spiritual Society and glimpsed in the freaky forest, a creepy-ass tree-like witch with glowing eyes, a rat with a man’s face, and a disturbing stain on the ceiling. Of course, evil is a-scheming and sometimes you shouldn’t dig too deep into strange things. There’s a good amount of Lovecraft that just doesn’t feel suited to anything but the printed word, and I’ve always felt Witch House was one of them. This does a better job then some of the others I’ve seen but that’s sadly because it veers pretty far off course from the source, which would be fine if it didn’t feel so damn lazy as it limps to its climax. It’s not bad, it just hit after a string of better episodes.

The Viewing
dir: Panos Cosmatos wri: Panos Cosmatos Aaron Stewart-Ahn
S01 E07 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

From the maniacs that blessed us with Mandy, we get ourselves an original piece of insanity. In the year of our lord 1979, a wealthy and reclusive collector of things beyond the norm invites a quartet of strangers to a once-in-a-life-time viewing at his mansion. Lionel Lassiter is played by Peter Weller so you know things are about to go bad for his guests. The only thing the guests have in common is that they have all appeared on late-night talk shows, so they have no idea what the hell is going on. Following their arrival, they only have more questions… even after their host greets them and conversations start up… as well as the consumption of an increasingly mind-altering bevy of drugs. Nice and toasty, Lassiter finally shows them why the hell they were all invited and it doesn’t take long before otherworldly chaos unfurls. An excellent cast elevates what could have been a dull opening along with some wonderful visuals and a thumping score before the endgame is revealed and shit gets interesting, icky and darkly humorous. Steve Agee, Eric André, Charlyne Yi and Michael Therriault play the guests and Sofia Boutella plays Lassiter’s assistant, Doctor Zahra, who keeps him hopped-up on whatever he pleases and has some secrets of her own. 

The Murmuring
dir/tp: Jennifer Kent based on a short story by Guillermo del Toro
S01 E08 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The mind behind The Babadook offers up another macabre study of grief. Mourning ornithologists retreat to an old and secluded island house to study a fascinating avian species with a unique pattern of flight. The home appears to have a past and with that past comes something from the other side of the veil. Wife Nancy seems to be the only one the supernatural is reaching out to and her relationship with her husband is straining. Some mysterious behavior from their feathered research subjects only adds more questions. Further investigating leads to some disturbing history (because it always does) and inevitable tragedy (because it always does). Essie Davis is excellent as usual and Andrew Lincoln seems happy as hell to not be sweating it up in the zombie apocalypse. Melancholy and the kind of cold fear one would find in a late-night reading of M.R. James add up to a lovely and dark spectral slow burn that earns its somewhat corny ending.

Kadaicha (1988) (Australia)

aka Stones of Death/Kadaicha: Death Stone

⭐️⭐️

Australian lameness comes off like a really boring Poltergeist rip-off... kind of. A housing development built over the grave site of a group of aboriginals, who were raped and massacred by bushrangers, plays host to a string of murders. Teenagers are having nightmares where they are given a kadaicha crystal by an aboriginal man and wake up to find the crystal in their possession. This marks them for a nasty death by the various awful wildlife that calls Australia home (dingo, funnel web spider, etc.). The daughter of the developer is certain she’s next and digs deeper into her father’s shady dealings in hope that she can save herself. There’s an elderly aboriginal man hanging around who attempts to help her out, a possessed boyfriend who goes after her and a school dance with a shitty band. There’s a minimum of effective scenes which help alleviate the boredom but all in all I’ll never revisit the damn thing.

Man vs Bigfoot (2021) (USA)

⭐️

Jack Rollins is wrestling with some demons after he’s shot while on duty following a traffic stop. Slowly on the mend, his recuperation is interrupted when his older brother goes missing during a camping trip out in the middle of a national park. He called his wife the night of his disappearance, disturbed by a photograph he took showing something odd in the background and further terrified by the sounds of something big around his camp. That’s the last his wife heard from him. She let’s her brother-in-law know something is wrong. After the search party finds his brother’s destroyed campsite and a disturbing video on the man’s discarded phone, Jack journeys off by himself to find the missing man or at least get some answers concerning the disappearance. The idea of a bear attack just ain’t sitting right with Jack. He comes across another man who claims that his brother was taken by the “protector” of the woods. The Native American man tells Jack that Bigfoot is on the warpath because his mate was murdered by a hunter. The man in the monkey suit attacks and Jack is sent scampering, attempting to ward off the same fate that came to his brother. The obvious costume is somewhat charming but that’s about it as far as the enjoyment factor goes. The story was a fine enough idea but nobody brings any energy to the damn thing to help it resonate and it’s all so overdramatic it becomes more laughable than anything else. Sadly, we ain’t laughing with it… just kind of laughing at ourselves for watching it.

The Land Unknown (1957) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

An Antarctic expedition, comprised of a handful of American military boys and a civilian reporter, is sent to a mysterious body of warm water located smack-dab in the middle of the chilly ice fields. A place that has left scientists baffled by the traces of a tropical environment that should not be there. The small group lands their helicopter in a volcanic crater due to some rough weather and damage courtesy of a pterodactyl encounter in the fog. Waiting for them is a prehistoric world and an ornery and wild-eyed tyrannosaur hellbent on eating them. Sucks they have to wait for a rescue and aren’t even sure their distress call made it out of the canyon they’re trapped in under a heavy blanket of fog. Outside of the harsh environment, they run into a lost scientist who’s been stuck there for a few years and ain’t exactly a shining example of mental stability. He also lays claim to the whole valley and kidnaps the cute journalist for reasons I’d rather not focus on. Man-eating (also monkey-eating… poor little fella) plants, swass-bringing climates, big-ass rear-projected lizards, a ticking clock concerning the departure of American forces and basically an environment that just wants to kill you raise further issues for the Americans. The man-in-the-dino-suit special effects are a fuckin’ blast and hit a sweet spot and even the melodrama is corny enough to be charming. My complaint is the usual one: could have been more monsters. But I’m sure by this point, you’re sick of hearing me say it. There’s also a rescue from a plesiosaur via conch shell, so who am I to complain?

Scarred (2005) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Local legend holds that an abusive hick caught his wife finding love in the arms of a deformed trapper and killed the man. Wifey gave birth to a baby girl carrying the same deformity as her dead daddy. Your standard and vague lumpy face disease. Being a backwoods asshole, the pissed-off alcoholic idiot killed his wife, cut off his “not-daughter’s” lumpy face and burned his cabin down by setting himself and his moonshine on fire. Of course, the faceless gal now wanders the woods on the hunt for a face. We know this is more than a campfire tale because we’ve already seen the burn-victim-lookin’ lunatic attack a horny couple in the opening. Into the cursed land comes a camping family because the papa is attempting to force his teenage children (and the daughter’s best friend) to bond with his new trophy wife. This is a nightmare to bitchy daughter Kim who is about to find herself in a much more lethal nightmare than dealing with a new mom she wants nothing to do with. An elderly loon delivers the standard cryptic warning to the family once they arrive but he’s easily dismissed as a rambling nut because he does nothing to prove otherwise and looks like a homeless Tobin Bell. That night the derpily handsome local ranger stops by and delivers the backstory of the crazy woman to the five campers while someone watches from the trees. Minor bonding goes down between Kim and new-mom Heather as they awkwardly attempt peace and dad tries his best while still being horny for his special lady and caring for his daughter who is going through some shit. Oddly enough, the small family (and cute fried) are mostly likable which is a shame because Heather soon heads to an outhouse occupied by the faceless lady. The bigger shame is that losing one’s face doesn’t necessarily equal death so a victim in extreme pain can still be wandering around the woods, much worse off than they were before leaving the big city. The two eighteen-year-old gals go to party with the ranger at his cabin and Kim’s bestie heads back to camp as third-wheeling ain’t all that fun. Smoochin’ soon follows and Alex comes across Kim’s brother sleeping in the woods like a weirdo. She also has the hots for him so it all seems to be working out for the horny youths. Or it would be if, you know, there wasn’t a crazy woman without a face roaming the woods. Corny personal aspects work in contrast with a slasher idea that’s suitably gross but mostly left to the imagination (although the final face rip is displayed in all its drawn out awfulness and hits harder because everything else has mostly been hidden from view). Which is fine, as I’m not particularly sadistic when it comes to my subgenre viewing (Hell, Final Exam is one of my favorite slasher films and there’s almost none of the red stuff) and a fun idea can get your flick really far in my eyes. It’s nothing all that new but there is a low-key dementedness in play and surprisingly likable characters to keep it in my good graces.