Pledge Night (1990) (USA)

aka Death Night/Pledge Class 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Braindead cash grab filmed at Rutgers University manages to squeeze out some enjoyment due to just how inept the whole damn thing is. Hell week turns fatal for a small group of pledges and their annoying fraternity elders when the vengeful spirit of Acid Sid comes to claim lives. In the late sixties Sid was the victim of a hazing prank gone bad and now he is slinging wisecracks and dealing out supernatural death. Some incredibly awkward sex and acting will have you shaking your head and the jaw-droppingly stupid ending is a lovely slap to the face to any viewer that stuck around. Load up on booze and you just may enjoy this ninety-minute supernatural slasher. 

Crypt of the Vampire (1964) (Italy/Spain)

aka Terror in the Crypt/Crypt of Horror

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Karnstein family is cursed thanks to the execution of a witchcraft-practicing ancestor some two-hundred years back. Now, Count Ludwig Karnstein (Christopher Lee) is concerned his daughter is paying the price and the dwindling number of breathing family members is a cause of some concern. He invites a young, respected historian into his ancestral castle to see if he can assist in any way to help unravel any mysteries behind the paranormal awfulness plaguing his home. As we all know, scholarly education may be well and fucked this time around. Laura’s loyal nurse is convinced the beautiful young woman is playing host to the dead witch and Laura’s nightmares where she witnesses the vampiric deaths of the people around her may be making this ridiculous idea a hell of alot more plausible than it should be. A carriage accident right outside the impressive castle brings another gorgeous young woman into the picture and she is macabrely fascinated by the deaths that seem to be surrounding Laura, not to mention that she and the countess seem to be on the verge of unleashing years of pent-up sexual frustration whenever they’re together. Now, is it a witch’s curse finally coming to a head, a madness spiraling out of control or perhaps a vampire is stalking the place and everything is going to hell? The obvious inspiration bleeding into things from Fanu’s much-adapted Carmilla should be a dead giveaway. The castle setting comes with a palpable atmosphere to go along with the breathtaking women and a criminally underutilized but still more than welcome Christopher Lee (as was sadly customary for his excursions out of the UK). Scheming blondes, hunchbacked wisemen, cranky butlers, cryptic warnings, growing shadows, poorly-hidden lesbianism, flowing nightgowns and inevitable heartbreak should keep the Euro-Goth enthusiasts interested and one of the dullest heroes to ever go up against the supernatural is impressive in just how milquetoast he is. It drags a bit but there’s enough striking imagery (the hanging man is a standout) and supernatural spookiness to keep you from nodding off when the focus lands on our bland hero. Keep the beautiful ladies and dour Christopher Lee coming, please and thank you.

The Axe Murders of Villisca (2016) (USA)

aka Villisca

⭐️

Back in 1912, a small town in Iowa was greeted with a real nightmare scenario on a June morning. A family of six and two guests were discovered bludgeoned and slaughtered by an axe. Six children and two adults all came to a vicious end. Despite several suspects and a few trials (even a fucking confession from a reverend) the crimes remain unsolved. The house in now a supposed paranormal hot spot thanks to the unquiet souls of the murdered. This spooky lore brings a trio of outcast teenagers (ghost hunter Denny has already graduated, new girl Jess has a sex tape that’s been put out by an assbag and Caleb has a troubled past. He’s also on the verge of leaving town and his best buddy Denny now that he’s graduated) into the home overnight, looking to contact the other side and solve the century-old crime. Naturally, Reverend Kelly (Sean Whalen) was possessed by evil and of course his demonic spirit is still roaming around the rural home. Spooky ghost children are also there because why wouldn’t they be? Local high school dickhead Connor and his dirtbag pal are making life miserable for the trio with their bullying ways and Connor’s rapist vibes… so let’s hope they get their heads bashed in with the business end of an axe… fingers crossed. The trio take a tour of the house (Caleb invites Jess which Denny isn’t happy about but they get along eventually) and after Jess is drawn to a room and crosses over the barrier into a roped off section, they get kicked out. The trio break in after hours to take their own tour and run afoul the supernatural presence within the home after they hold a little séance for Denny’s dozens of YouTube viewers. Connor and his bro head to the Villisca house when Jess posts a photo of her and Caleb there, so it’s looking better and better that these dinks are gonna eat an axe. Well, at least run into specters that seem hell-bent on making sure they don’t get out of the house alive and firmly believe in possessing/manipulating humans. Jon Gries is there as the tour guide for the Villisca house and I ain’t gonna complain about Uncle Rico filling us in on the history of the place and Conchata Ferrell shows up as a take-no-shit principal. It’s a middling horror flick with an exploitative framework of a real-life tragedy and no sense of decorum… it could work if the movie wasn’t so far up its own ass it somehow traveled through time to go up the ass of its ancestors. Further insulting, none of these modern-day dopes get killed by an axe. A thoroughly unenjoyable time.

Alien (1979) (UK/USA)

aka Star Beast

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Deep space nightmare, rightfully holds its spot as a genre masterpiece. When the homeward bound crew of the Nostromo receives a distress beacon from a nearby moon, the ship computer awakens the crew from cryo-sleep and has them heading to the planet for a possible rescue mission. It goes horribly wrong when some unknown life-form hatches and attaches itself to the face of one of the crew. Ignoring protocol (despite the protestations of Warrant Officer Ripley) they rush the man aboard. This proves to be one hell of a fatal decision. After the infamous chest bursting of an alien species from the poor bastard recently let out of the infirmary, the crew of the Nostromo has to fight for their lives against a horrific creature proficient in murdering. Acid blood and H.R. Geiger’s horrifying monster is now the stuff of legend. One of the finest casts to ever grace a movie screen features Tom Skerritt as Dallas, the captain and obvious hero, getting taken out early and the (rightfully) distant Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) taking on the role and attempting to outsmart the dreadful alien stalking the Nostromo’s shadows. From the realistic set design to the burning tension, every aspect of this film is perfect.

From the Old Earth (1981) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Unearthing an unsettling stone head in his council house garden, William Jones unwittingly unleashes some ancient evil with ties to Celtic rituals that centered on human sacrifice. His wife dislikes the creepy-ass thing (because she’s smart) and has nightmares after her husband brings it into the house. Withered flowers prove her point but old William just can’t be convinced there’s spooky shit going on. He brings it to an archeologist currently digging up relics nearby to take a gander at and the respected Dr. Miriam Vaughn fills him in on some fascinating history but ruining his dreams of vast riches as it may be thousands of years old but probably ain’t worth all that much. He leaves it with her so she can study it more and strange shit begins to happen including the appearance of a horned apparition. Her daughter soon encounters the evil as well and the rational woman of science is convinced that stone head has something sinister attached to it. She sends her husband off with the damn thing to return to Mr. Jones but his wife won’t allow it as she too has seen the horror that apparently comes along with the already creepy thing. Tragedy follows. The stone head and the briefly glimpsed satyr are both pretty effective as far as focal points of terror go and there’s a nice atmosphere to complement the deliberate pace. A fine watch for a chilly night which comes off like a Welsh stab at A Ghost Story for Christmas.

Crystal Force (1992) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Following the sudden death of her father, Beth has her mother stay with her and promises to keep her at-home beauty salon running. I think everyone is pretty sad outside of a few bitchy friends but it’s hard to make out much over the constant straining one does to hear the dialogue. Beth goes on a walk with her hot friend and wanders into a one-of-a-kind shop run by a chubby creep who looks like Robert Goulet by way of Francis Buxton. The guy sells Beth a big-ass crystal that she believes to be some bullshit New Age nonsense. The crystal makes a visiting priest ill, so we know right off the bat that the crystal has some evil vibes. If we needed more proof, the priest is attacked by a mental force and excuses himself. Not one to do anything intelligent, Beth does not put two and two together and keeps the crystal. Evil POV swooping and a sex dream starring a pasty man ass (her fiancé’s if you must know) and plenty of tears hit that same night. There’s an all-girl fortune telling party that leads to a séance (uh oh) and the creepy fat guy pops in from time to time to say sinister shit to his dogs… just to let us know he’s evil… if the name Beazle was enough of a giveaway. It’s not long after the séance that a demon starts attacking the friends. A sexual assault via demon, narration from Beazle, vanishing blood-drinking canines and enough bad acting to fill a mid-90’s porno will probably keep you on your toes but you’ll be forgiven if you choose sleep as a viable option. There’s also a sex scene that feels like it was filmed years prior and they decided to build a film around the unused footage and there’s a few bewbs popping up every so often… there’s also more than one lengthy walk taken… so… win? It’s like watching an aunt you only see at family gatherings recollect a movie she saw on TV when she was a younger woman. It’s only interesting because it feels like half-formed memories of something that may have been exciting but also may not have ever existed. Should you see it? No. Would I recommend it? Probably. It exists in the strange area of “how did this happen?” and barely being watchable.

Awaken the Shadowman (2017) (USA)

aka The Ones Above/The Shadowman

⭐️⭐️

When their mother goes missing, estranged brothers Jake and Adam reunite for the first time in a long time. Adam returns to his hometown, bringing along his wife Beth and baby girl Emma, to help his brother figure out where their mother is. Mom is played by the wonderful Jean Smart so I’m hoping she doesn’t stay missing for long. There’s a bereavement group called Gateways that the mother was a part of (I guess there was a tragic fire in town so most of the community is a member) hanging around and offering their assistance but they ain’t exactly trustworthy. They’re cordial enough, they just are practically screaming they are up to no good behind their dead, creepy eyes. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration appears as mom’s ex and the likeliest suspect… not because of the situation but how standoffish he is towards the brothers when they come to talk to him. Beth finds creepy shit in the house whilst exploring and it definitely looks like there’s some cultish tomfoolery at play. Destroyed baby dolls with blacked-out eyes, torn clothes and “WATCHERS” scribbled on them placed in a circle should raise several alarms. One of Adam’s old friends stop by to warn him about Gateways, advising him that they’re untrustworthy and their young leader Lawrence is a monster. Jake also lets Adam know that mom tried to kill herself and that shit had been spiraling out of control for a while now. Also, Jake married Adam’s ex so there’s a lot of bad vibes in their mother’s house. Adam digs deeper, his brother and ex are probably embroiled in some cult bullshit, Lawrence has one hell of a punchable face (in a good way, it really helps his character work) and a shadowy entity begins to pop up in the background accompanied by musical stings so you don’t miss it… I think the movie knows you’re probably on your phone. The baby is in danger because there’s no way she wouldn’t be and the town has a big ol’ secret concerning a hefty cost for a pristine life. Jean Smart shows up with ten minutes left in the film and all it made me think was how much better this would have been if Jean Smart was in this way fucking more… but I’m biased. It’s okay, everyone is fine but the whole thing doesn’t really do much. It doesn’t help that it mostly feels like something that was set up to be a first chapter of a series and, judging by the year it was released, we won’t be getting a follow up.