aka Samhain
⭐️⭐️
On a learning excursion in Ireland with a focus on Celtic and Druid rituals, a group of American university students move into a beautiful cottage on a beautiful lake, surrounded by an ancient forest. It also happens to be the ancient festival of Samhain at the moment. A few days earlier we witness the savage murder of two campers in the area. Chasey Lain (How the West Was Hung and Coed Cocksuckers 14) shows off her goods prior to a violent end and her boyfriend Billy Drago (Jungle Run and Clown Motel) finds her severed in two. Bummer, man. He takes a blow to the head and wakes up chained to a stone alter in the middle of a cave, eventually finding himself roasting on a spit. I think it’s safe to say that this little getaway will not be ending well for our college-aged heroes. An incestuous clan of cannibals (have ya heard the legend of Sawney Bean?) have made their home in an abandoned copper mine nearby and if incest in horror films has taught us anything, it’s that in-family breeding creates giant mutant monsters who can’t feel pain and kill with preternatural efficiency. Karen Douglas (Bobbie Phillips or as I know her, Dr. Bambi from The X-Files) chaperones the trip. Timid Shae has problems fitting in with the college kids, likable Barb (cute Gillian Leigh) is a sarcastic cheerleader, “macho” Steve constantly references horror films (he’s like Randy from Scream but completely unlikable) and then there’s a couple who are also there and kinda horny. Also, Karen’s boyfriend shows up to surprise her. All in all, it’s a good supply of meat for the deformed family of cannibals in the area. The clairvoyant caretaker and his sexy cousin Pandora (Ginger Lynn from Poonies and Between the Cheeks) fill the teacher and her boyfriend in on the sacrificial history of the seasonal festival and warn them to stay inside after dark. This warning goes ignored and the group starts getting themselves eaten. The couple wander off into the woods for some alone time shenanigans and stumble across a dilapidated castle which stands over the old mine. The bodies start dropping in rapid succession following this discovery. Jenna Jameson of Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business fame, shows up as a hiker to get murdered and have her breast implant torn out because of course that happens. There’s also intestines pulled out of a poor guy’s butt (through jeans, so don’t worry), Ginger Lynn kicking some mutant butt (briefly), the inexplicable long survival of the most annoying of characters, a Sawney Bean flashbacks and an ending that makes almost no fucking sense. There’s very little charisma when it comes to the cast which is a damn shame. Ginger Lynn (doing her best Irish accent) and Gillian Leigh fare best but they’re sadly underutilized and we spend most of our time with sentient wood or in Dr. Bambi’s case; someone who doesn’t seem all that happy to be there. The violence is wet and graphic, the inbred threat is from the Wrong Turn school of monstrous (which I’ll never complain about) and there’s more than a couple bewbs. Not high praise but at least that’s something.
aka Black Cloak
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Leslie Nielsen plays Brett Kingsford, a playboy detective and occult expert, investigating a series of Ripper-esque murders in 1890’s San Francisco. The commissioner is left scratching his head as the attacks seem to be animalistic in nature but a talisman left behind at each murder scene points to something more human behind the murders. Suspicion lands on Brett’s best buddy Robert, after a series of blackouts leave him unable to offer any alibi for the time of the crimes and he has a connection to all of the victims. The beast we’ve spotted looks nothing like the soon-to-be-wed Robert but if a Sumerian demon were possessing him, then I suppose that could explain a few things. Robert, convinced that he is the monster and getting no help from Brett, goes to see the mystic Professor Malaki but of course this Malaki fellow may be up to something sinister. Brett plays it cool but he’s working behind the scenes to fish out the culprit and prove his pal’s innocence for the sake of his sanity and fiancée. Disguises, a loyal dwarf butler, and a goofy lookin ghoul bring nothing but joy and a foppish turn from Nielsen is nothing but wonderful. Intended as a pilot but never picked up for series.
⭐️⭐️
A woman returns to her family farm house located in the kind of “rural” that one could generously call spooky. She and her daughter move in, following her separation with her husband and the death of her mother. Hubby turns up unannounced (looking like the horrific offspring of David Dastmalchian and Joe Anderson) to blame his affair on her poor mental health… while her mother was mentally deteriorating… yeah, he’s that kind of pud. On top of that human skid-mark showing up, strange noises and other creepiness are adding to the tension. A game of flashlight tag between mother and daughter in the cornfields surrounding the house goes about as well as one would expect but nobody is hurt, just a little shaken up. Her daughter ends up on the roof (doesn’t remember how) and somebody flashes bright-ass lights at momma as she runs through the fields. The sheriff promises she’ll help where she can but she just thinks local kids are fucking with the new neighbors. A little web-sleuthing has mom landing on the goofy idea that lizard-monsters have been around earth for millennia and sometimes they make contact. They just go about it like creepy assholes but they are nefarious things, so I guess that checks. Her ex thinks she’s having another nervous breakdown and believes their daughter isn’t safe with her mother. Annie’s not finding many allies outside of a conspiracy-theorist who is well-versed in the indigenous one-eyed reptile-things. This is all explained through flashback, the movie begins with everything going to hell. Annie’s under arrest after accidentally shotgunning her ex (unfortunately, he’s not killed) and something grabbing her daughter. The sheriff doesn’t buy her story of monsters in the earth and thinks she’s murdered her daughter. Annie manages to escape when there’s a car accident whilst being transported to prison. She heads home to look for her baby girl and save her from the energy-sucking monsters. That conspiracy nut gets involved and gets nibbled on for his troubles and the sheriff hunts down her fugitive, believing Annie’s admittedly insane story too damn late to save herself. Taking what one would expect to be a ghost story and shifting into creature feature territory, Dark Light at least tries to be a little different. The cast is fine and the monster designs are a little silly but they’re practical, so I ain’t complaining. It has everything you would need to bring the fun but sadly it never really shifts out of first gear and that’s a damn shame because it would have truly benefited by going off the rails.
⭐️1/2
Olivia is an upstart model and (ugh) social media influencer who moves to New York and starts building followers. As her success grows, she leases a Manhattan loft space and moves in with her boyfriend after the place kind of “calls” to her. It comes with a creepy mannequin and an evil presence... classic New York. Seeing a way to get more followers, Olivia decides to start documenting the supernatural weirdness going down in her new home and whatever awfulness is going on in her new digs starts influencing the influencer. Unlikable people become more unlikable and creepiness briefly flashes across the screen as the young couple keeps on filming. Standard shit with the added bonus of a creepy mannequin and a disturbing tape. If the hands crafting it had been capable this could have been a good and uncomfortable time... but here we are. The climax was pretty cool and offered up a decent entity.
aka Savaged
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
On a solo one-way road trip to connect with the love of her life, deaf Zoe almost runs over a distressed man when she’s distracted by her phone. Cruising and playing with your cellphone is a horrible idea, but it’s even worse when you already have an issue with hearing, I mean, ya kinda need your eyes focused on the fucking road if you can’t hear any horns blaring or people shouting. Come on, Zoe. Be better. Anyways, when she stops to check on the man she quickly finds out why the Native American dude is so distressed. He’s being terrorized by two vile racist brothers and their crew of equally awful scumbags. After they coldly run down the poor guy’s companion, Zoe jumps out to save the guy but the homicidal pricks slaughter him and quickly turn their sights on Zoe. It’s not long before Zoe’s day becomes unimaginably awful. Tortured, raped and finally left for dead in a shallow desert grave, Zoe is discovered by a shaman and he attempts to use some sort of ancient ritual to heal her but something else tags along and sets up shop inside Zoe. The area of New Mexico is no stranger to horrible things happening to Native Americans and the wandering spirit of a betrayed dead Apache chieftain now has himself a vessel to dish out some well-deserved vengeance. It helps that those horrible assbags that destroyed Zoe have a connection to the past atrocities which make them some prime targets for the now supernaturally-enhanced girl. Her boyfriend looks for her but doesn’t really get anywhere and just kinda eats up screen time but don’t worry, this flick knows what its prime focus is. It’s a revenge flick through and through that luckily doesn’t focus all that much on the rape aspect of the subgenre which I’m thankful for. Disgusting racist-rapists come to brutal ends and I’m all for it. A heavy desaturated look may be aiming to resemble something from the grindhouse but instead it just looks a little cheap, or like a music video from a band that has some money but no idea how to use it. It’s… odd. That’s okay, it may be ugly but the exploitation aspect works just fine especially when every scumbag is giving their all to be as awful as they can be… including my dude Ronnie Gene Blevins. Also gets points for adding a supernatural aspect to things and centering the retribution on a frail-looking girl with a handicap who has no issue ripping out intestines and scalping scuzzballs as she rots away. Amanda Adrienne Smith pulls it off with ease, working as a counterpoint to vicious bastards who ain’t got any redeeming qualities. There’s some solid splatter and only a couple weak-looking special effects (that car flip is pretty hilarious) filling out the runtime. It ain’t perfect but it’s a bit of unexpected fun once all the awfulness comes to a close and makes way for the vengeance.
aka The Werewolf
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A small mountain town slips into believable chaos when a series of brutal murders point in the direction of a vicious monster. An officer with a plate full of personal shit (recovering alcoholic, anger issues, horrible ex-wife, ailing father/sheriff and college-bound daughter) takes lead of the case and becomes the focal point of the town’s frustrated anger. Dark humor mixes expertly with what may be the most realistic portrayals of monstrous shenanigans I have ever seen. Filmmaker and star Jim Cummings is excellent as the seriously flawed father and man of the law. Robert Forster as the sheriff on the way out and Riki Lindhome as a far more levelheaded officer are excellent additions to the cast. Refreshingly different in its focus but still remaining horrific enough makes it one hell of an addition to the genre. Do not sleep on this one.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
This was actually the first offering from the BBC One series A Ghost Story for Christmas that I saw and it spooked the hell out of me when I was just a little weirdo. A traveller comes across a railway signalman (the wonderful Denholm Elliott) stationed at a lonely signal box between two steep sided hills close to the entrance of a train tunnel. When he waves and shouts his greetings, he’s taken aback as the railway worker seems to be panicked by his appearance. After assuring him there’s nothing to fear, he’s invited over to the signal box where the two lonesome men develop a friendship. Eventually, the operator shares a strange story about a specter haunting him that foretells calamity. Looking to aid his new friend, the traveller attempts to uncover a rational explanation for the poor man’s anxiety but the unknown cares little for rationality and tragedy usually follows this realization. A deliberately paced nightmare based on the Charles Dickens story of the same name, the first yearly outing from this lovely series to not be an adaption of an M.R. James chiller. It still hits hard, even in all the years that have passed since my first watch. Excellent, chilling and burned into my brain.
