aka Amityville Playhouse
⭐️
High schooler Fawn Harriman inherits a rundown theater in the town of Amityville, following the tragic death of her parents. Her dead folks had plans to get rid of it but she’s hesitant to sell without looking it over. She and a couple friends spend the weekend there, surveying the building that just fell into the young girl’s lap. Fawn’s teacher begins researching the property and discovers a disturbing link to Amityville’s dark past while Fawn and the annoying dopes she calls friends begin to encounter the supernatural. They also run into a homeless goth chick who is crashing in the theater and claiming squatter’s rights. She lets them know that weird shit is going down in the place all the time. She’s also kind of a bitch and does not look anywhere near homeless. Unless makeup and a Hot Topic dress code are now how homeless folks dress. I don’t get out much, so this may be the case. The gaggle of goofs decide to order a pizza and discover none of their phones work. When they try to get outside for better reception, they’re frustrated to find themselves sealed in the place. Remember, Ron DeFeo blamed demonic voices as the cause of his family murdering and those demonic influences seem to be back when it comes to one of the dinks. A major idiot amongst them just so happened to bring a Ouija board which they use to get some answers about what the hell is going on. Emoting is not a strong point for any of these people, so as panic sets in, things get pretty hilarious. The teacher’s investigation appears to be happening in real time and it’s about as exciting as watching a high school teacher read up on an old building. After about 400 hours, the minimal spookiness increases from a 1 to maybe a 3.5 and the youthful idiots start meeting their maker. There’s also a conspiracy in the town concerning the primitive evil that was unleashed unto the community during the settlement of the place. One of guys insists on calling people “butt head” for some reason. Sick burn, dude. It may not be the most boring of the Amityville films but it’s definitely up there. As a further insult, this damn thing runs just over 100 minutes. I take it back, this may be the most boring Amityville flick.
aka The Creeper/Blood City
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A quiet California town is besieged with terror when a homicidal maniac, who goes by the name The Detroit Creeper, begins to target the citizens after moving on from the streets of Michigan (probably shouldn’t call him by that name anymore). The small town police force and their mustaches do what they can to catch the killer and calm the residents of Fort Smith. A slew of actors turned away from a basement-porno casting call awkwardly attempt emoting as The Creeper uses his bare hands and other lame-ass weapons to murder children and young girls. Police chief Ned is forced to hire a professional criminologist to help him on the case. Brock Johnson arrives after Ned uses the threat of violence and photos of violence to convince the penny-pinching mayor to put the funds through and pay for Brock’s time. Supposed youngster Brock (he claims to be in his twenties but somehow manages to look at least forty and maybe twelve at the same time) falls for Ned’s daughter, who upon initial viewing I assumed was Ned’s wife because they are definitely the same age. This causes Ned to shout at himself about the situation concerning his daughter and the young criminologist who reeks of the kind of sexuality one finds in a dumpster behind an Arby’s everyone forgot about. The mayor and a scuzzy police lieutenant (who may be the physical manifestation of somebody’s hazy and wrong memory of Tom Selleck) team up to scheme against our heroes because public image and the construction of a new university are way more important than protecting the townspeople. The scumbag mayor looks like someone slapped a mustache on a poorly made Taiwanese action figure of Tom Bosley and everyone else is equally roaming the uncanny valley where they belong. The creeper looks like somebody mixed the DNA of Svengoolie and Brion James and then gave their godless creation gigantism because the world wasn’t quite cruel enough. There’s an especially annoying kid who gets his throat slit named Timmy whose ginormous melon is a set-piece in and of itself and remains the most horrific thing that turns up in this movie… even more-so than the nauseating mustaches on parade. As far as a thriller goes; it misses the mark completely but as an exercise in watching people who were all probably on their community’s record-setting bowling team; it’s essential viewing. Trash horror that holds the title without even trying thanks to the important mixture of inexperience, apathy, inanity, family BBQ charisma and a dash of natural insanity. I love movies like this and yes, that makes me the problem.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
My advice to any young people is to never inherit any property. Your excitement for your unexpected luck in life will quickly turn to terror when you discover the family curse which has ripped through the bloodline for generations, the family lunatic whose been locked away in a secret basement, the family ghosts who need you as a sacrifice to get back into this realm, the family who faked their deaths to get their hands on the inheritance or (in this case) the family scarecrow who is more than happy to slaughter. On top of the pants-shitting terror you have to endure, if you’re young enough, you’ve probably brought a gaggle of friends with you and now their lives are forfeit all because your dumbass couldn’t tell that no matter how free something seems, there’s always a cost to the riches an unknown family member left ya. The dope this time out goes by the name of Sean (who resembles Jon Bernthal’s younger, less-talented brother… we’ll call him Don Bernthal) and Sean has been left some farmland with a sinister past. Back in the 30s, when a horrible drought was plaguing the area, the place had one hell of a booming crop. It was thanks to human sacrifice and the discovery of said sacrifice led to the town sheriff taking a shotgun blast to the chest and the farm owner being gunned down shortly after. So now Sean has inherited this place from a biological father he never knew and because Sean decided to not listen to me, he takes his buddies (well, his girlfriend’s buddies) out to twenty-five acres of land in West Virginia. Not how I’d choose to spend my last week of summer but I’m not big on bugs and well water. I also wouldn’t spend that amount of time with a group of people that seem to barely tolerate each other but this is an early aughts horror flick and for some reason every filmmaker believed friends were people you wanted to strangle. The locals warn Sean that the property is best avoided and that his grand pappy had some demons of the literal variety. With the harvest moon in full effect, killer scarecrows begin wiping out the dopes because it’s time for retribution or some shit. At about fifty minutes, Sean realizes the shit-storm they’re in but it’s too little too late because the pretty cool-lookin’ cheap-ass scarecrows are making their presence felt and introducing scythes (and other sharp farming equipment) to warm flesh. “Spicing” things up along the dull path to the climactic scarecrow slaughter are vanishing octogenarians, stilted dialogue delivery, bare butts, natural bewbs, a disgusting swimming hole which will definitely lead to a UTI, believable lesbians, domestic beer drinking and a general lack of any action that plagues a lot of movies of this ilk. It’s kind of boring but the friends actually become closer as things spiral out of control and those last thirty minutes are some cheap fun. One character toasts “To Sean! Our intense, weird, not-so-fun but good friend.” I would say “To Dark Harvest! Our dull, somehow fun and amateur (but still worth watching) friend.”
⭐️⭐️1/2
Tales of terror from SOV garbage auteur Damian Bishop (the brain behind the wonderful fever dream E.T. and the Hooker Go to Space) has a dude with a digitally altered voice and a cool-as-fuck Devil mask introducing us to the trio of nightmare scenarios. Up first is The Lovedoll and we follow the annoying shenanigans of some dope-heads as they score some Satan-hippie drugs from a crooked cop. After some hilarious drug abuse, the addicts are paid a visit by the blow-up doll the drugs were smuggled in. Their friend’s head is exploded by the rubber nightmare and they’re a little too fucked out of their gourds to do much of anything to stay alive. As much as I’m not a fan of sober people acting high, it’s still the right amount of weird and garbage that Mr. Bishop is known for. Popcorn follows and it’s the name given to a young couple’s newly arrived pet bird. The husband has some issues since his return from Kuwait. The avian verbally and physically assaults the wife but the husband doesn’t think the little bastard can do any wrong. The wife worries about how much time her husband is spending with the new pet and the bird and man seem to be assimilating as Johnny’s mind deteriorates. It ends in tragedy and is somehow disturbing even though it involves an immobile dollar-store bird putting on a goofy voice and whispering horrible things to its owner. You can blame it on the off-putting sound design and zero-budget aesthetic always prevalent in the Dungeon Entertainment catalogue. Last up is Fat Gas, where a new guy’s first shift at a gas station under the tutelage of a burnt out old pro gets weird when he hears a voice from a drain in the back room telling him that it requires flesh and bone. It also spews black smoke, so that’s not good. They begin feeding customers to whatever the hell is residing in the drain. Wigs, fake backdrops and a shit-ton of laughter compliments the ad-libbed dialogue and absence of human behavior. More low-fi weirdness that feels like half-formed thoughts you had while reading the journal of someone who was in the end stages of neurosyphilis.
aka Axeman: Redux
⭐️
A local legend puts an end to the shenanigans of some annoying twenty-somethings (maybe thirty-something) during their vacation. The film opens with a trio of criminals holed up in a nice cabin with a bunch of cash. One of them is the goddess known as Tiffany Shepis and the other two have some nasty scars. A bank robbery went bad and innocent people died but you can forget about all that because this trio isn’t around long. Some dude who looks like Jason Mamoa on meth, takes out the three right-quick. Enter the vacationing friends checking out their digs… the very same cabin where we lost the only reason I decided to watch this thing in the opening minutes (RIP Queen Shepis… I miss you already). The friends get situated and we get introduced to the chubby annoying fellow in the group who I imagine is supposed to be viewed as hilarious but within two seconds I was already dreaming of his death. There’s a lesbian couple who are horny, a drunk dude who is having issues with his girl thanks to an ex being around, a girl with bangs who’s now with the girl’s ex, a drunk girl with red hair who quotes Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, a guy who grills and another dude who makes out with the red head after she throws up in his mouth. They have conversations that suck and mostly act like they hate each other. Grill-guy struggles through the telling of the terrible history behind the cabin concerning The Axeman and the trail of bodies he left in his wake. Chubby guy talks to his penis and then gets his throat slit and I cheer to the heavens that he perishes first. The next morning nobody seems to notice but there’s some poorly written and performed drama between some of the idiots, so I guess their heads are elsewhere and they don’t give a shit about the missing fat guy. I’d be pretty thankful that he wasn’t around to bother folks. When they stop to question his absence, they begin to think the lore of the area may have something to do with it. They split up to look for him and we learn that even in death, Chubbs McCormick is ruining people’s lives. One person dies who isn’t even looking for the missing friend and then the partying continues. There’s some nudity and then more death. Insufferable or unmemorable people get murdered by a killer who can’t even be bothered to wear a mask or stick to using an axe. Man, fuck this movie. One star for Shepis and Brinke Stevens showing up as the sheriff.
⭐️1/2
Desperate for work so she can ensure a comfortable future for her daughter, an undocumented immigrant takes a caretaker job (through an agency that helps place people in her predicament) in the middle of nowhere for an eccentric older gentleman. Nina and her little kid Isabella have an encounter with a man in distress on the way up, her agency rep tells her to ignore it and not to get involved. Luther is hesitant to take in a mother and daughter but eventually relents when he finds out that there’s nobody else around who would miss them… I mean, take them in. Sorry. So weird they made a point of him checking on that during the initial interview. After a tour of the house where Luther talks about hunting, maintaining traditions and the kindness of trimming the herd… huh, weird they made a point of focusing on that, he mentions a festival coming up that the whole small town takes part in and Luther is excited that Nina and her kid will be able to attend. He also warns against going in the basement, insists on her drinking a special tea blend for her health, cures his own meats in a backyard shed… and there’s so many red flags less than 15 minutes in that if Nina wasn’t in the dire situation she’s in, I’d be saying she really should have grabbed her kid and ran. I mean, she still should have but I get ignoring a bunch of the obvious warning signs. A stranded motorist shows up and more stupidity performed poorly plays out. Awkward performances mingle with scene compositions that range from stale to braindead and a predictable plot helps nothing. English may not be Nina’s first language, which is never a problem, but it seems that “human” may not be part of that equation either and it leads to a performance that screams “head injury”. Luther, on the other hand, comes off like Tobin Bell if he had almost none of the talent and most of the hamminess. I guess it’s noble that all those folks in the head trauma ward got a paying gig. Solid bits of wit when it comes to ignorance may land here and there but the whole thing is like a train wreck but instead of carnage you can’t look away from, it’s just a menagerie of cringeworthy performances/filmmaking you don’t want to watch but find it hard to take your eyes off of. I’ll give it points for antlers because I always find people wearing antlers creepy as fuck… not sure why, there’s probably something repressed I may not want to shine a light on. At least the annoying racists getting up to bullshit come to messy ends. I can dig that.
⭐️⭐️
Money problems force a family of four to move into grandma’s large home. Granny fell ill shortly after grandpa passed away and is now watched over by a sinister housekeeper. Of course there’s also a supernatural presence in the home slowly working a revenge angle on the family matriarch and targeting the mentally fragile young son. The badly burnt specter pops up from time to time offering mostly failed jump scares and papa begins to crack under the pressure of his failing business. There’s also a hawt young fella wandering around the outskirts of the film preparing for a religious battle we just know is coming. Dad cracks and mortal harm seems an inevitability as we wait for the sexy young man of God to come to the rescue. Diminishing returns begin eating away at the Siccîn series. It’s not insulting but it sure as hell has lost its edge. Whereas the third part was weighed down by how jumbled and vague it was, this part just treads familiar waters and adds nothing new.
