aka Black Magic/Black Magic: Bringer of Death
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Bloody revenge thy name is Suzzanna! Another lovely vehicle for Indonesian scream queen involves your usual shitty folks doing shitty things and then getting their just desserts in elaborate and messy ways. The familiar plot is helped by the presence of the always alluring Suzzanna. This time out some local scuzzy gangster poisons his sick wife (she’s such a burden!) and pins the crime on a village cleric. This brings an angry mob to his hut and as angry mobs are want to do, they burn the holy man (who is definitely not a practitioner of black magic) alive while the awful Bisman attempts to rape his wife (like you have to ask who plays her). Unfortunately for the local scumbags but fortunately for us, his wife manages to escape into the jungle where she comes across a witch that is mostly crocodile (her human head hilariously atop the pudgy reptile body) and has no problem bestowing diabolical powers to the young woman so she can get herself a measure of vengeance… as long as she fulfills some sinister obligations. I placenta eating (and theft!), bathing with crocodiles and full-moon nude strolling… boilerplate, really. What follows is cheap, sloppy and wonderful! The village chief knows Bisman is a piece of shit and is gunning for him but you don’t get to be a feared scumbag by not having a small army of awful humans answering your beck and call. Bisman continues on with his reign of terror, little realizing that a woman he has wronged is building up dark powers to throw directly at his big ol’ scarred face. The chief’s young son arrives right before Bisman makes his play at usurping power and he seems to be quite smitten with the beautiful widow he runs across (don’t blame him). Extended bits of comedy add to the oddness while also weighing things down, a mid-movie song and dance charms for all the wrong reasons and the cheap special effects are only emboldened by the manic imagination thrown behind them. Rambo references, shaking butts, detachable breasts, horny idiots, an exploded crotch (I think a toad is to blame), forceful snake swallowing, exploding bellies (full of snakes), fantasy brought to life by a grade school theater set designer, romantic ass rubbing, some of the most disgusting nudity ever caught on film and a final ten minutes that finally lets loose. All of this still feels like it’s not filling up enough space to let this be as wild as it should. It’s still a fun time, it just feels like it should be a hell of a lot more fun.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
There’s something very wrong with the Englewood movie theater and that wrongness has brought struggling paranormal investigator Kyle Jennings into the theater’s troubled halls. His desperation is growing thanks to an inability to garner more funding from the university he works out of but a strange event centered around the theater has the eggheads concerned about disturbing energy signatures. Signatures that go along with certain theories he’s already presented to the board. Coincidentally, Englewood happens to be Kyle’s hometown which he hasn’t been back to since graduating high school. So, all this wraps up along with a speech from his colleague to get him back home and looking into the weirdness at the theater. This will not be a simple investigation for him and not only because it turns out an old crush is running the theater, the building seals itself up tight and a connection is made between the real world and the world playing out on the movie screen. A connection that will prove to be pretty dangerous thanks to the low budget zombie action showing up on the silver screen. Along with the skeptical science department head, his old flame and the world’s cutest (and super smart) projectionist, Kyle has to figure out what the hell is going on and that answer will involve our hero jumping into the zombie film, changing important plot points along the way. Attic apparitions, poltergeist activity, an amazing yellow sweater, gorgeous posters, tasteful turtlenecks, sentient film, home movie zombies, helpful narration that actually feels necessary and an abundance of science jargon to prove a point make for one comfortable viewing of backyard enthusiasm contained within an oddly mature script. It may lose itself in its own explanations at various points but it is still intriguing in just how much fascinating depth it put behind everything. If you’re not looking for SOV splatter (there’s very little blood) or insanity but a well-crafted horror-lite flick with a whole bunch of thought and heart, find this bad boy immediately.
aka Bio-Force
⭐️⭐️1/2
Did you ever wonder what would have happened if those laidback jocks you knew in high school did some cocaine and decided to make Predator fan fiction? I know the thought has kept me up many a restless night. Well, wonder no more because the man who blessed the world with Sledgehammer and gave his brother Ted Prior a spotlight decided this question needed to be answered. Bio-hazardous material is launched into outer space via rocket for disposal but instead crashes (why the fuck would you name it Icarus?!?) in the middle of the Georgia wilderness because that’s your tax dollars at work. A team of soldiers is sent to recover it but the team leader gets infected and then blows away his whole team (I’m assuming he was just following orders). Jason Trotter (Mr. Prior, if you’re nasty) manages to survive along with another young soldier and they head off into the woods. The infected man begins tracking them but Trotter (the other guy is gunned down) is able to find shelter thanks to stumbling across the home of some forest-dwelling siblings. Now, he not only has to battle his rapidly mutating former buddy but has to combat the recovery team sent in to clean up everything by any means necessary. Somehow, Powers Booth is there as the suit behind the mission who is definitely up to no good, Leo Rossi is the soldier who transforms into the creature and Wilford Brimley rocks a shirt that looks like a clown threw up on it right after a unicorn wiped its ass with it. Listen. When I sat down and decided to watch a low-budget Predator rip-off, I knew exactly what I was getting into. It takes itself seriously, which makes it way easier to ingest than something that’s too busy winking at the audience to give a damn about monsters and soldiers. It’s kids re-enacting their favorite movie in the woods but this time they had grown up, made some money and put together a group of people that actually gave a damn. So it’s lame but it’s the kind of lame I was expecting and I won’t hold that against it. The silly and bulky beast is kept off camera for way too much time. Stolen (or damn-near stolen) music from its inspiration is the only thing that comes close to mirroring that Schwarzenegger classic, that’ll happen when you blow your funds on the diabetes guy. Powers Booth is, as usual, worth every penny.
⭐️1/2
When your movie opens up with a bunch of random shots of corpses resembling an SFX crew demo reel, it just gives me the feeling you’re running on a premise that ain’t got much substance. This barrage of dead women set to some shitty music has already got me nervous. So, dead women. Ok. Shady car mechanics acting shady. Ok. Two detectives refusing to comment on murders. Ok. Wait. A vampire?! What the fuck? So a lawyer gets bit by a vampire but he was already a psychopath but now he’s losing it even more and the scatterbrained presentation just kinda throws all this at you and in capable hands it may have been impressive. Following a flashback of why the psycho lawyer is the way he is, we are treated to an extended scene of a rope dancer doing what she does. It’s impressive but after that jumble of an opening, I just want shit to get going. Rope-performer-lady is stalked as she leaves the theater and is attacked by the vampire-lawyer as she enters her car. The cops see that the killer they’ve been tracking has changed his MO, of course they aren’t aware he is now a vampire but you’d probably be mentally ill if that was immediately where your suspicions jumped. The lead detective has poorly-acted family issues at home and is feeling the pressure… it’s a micro-budget vampire film so I’m not surprised at questionable performances. I’ve seen worse in larger budgeted films so I’m not upset or anything. Also, the serial killer is losing it because he’s no longer in control thanks to his bloodlust and the vampire that turned him is still following and feeding on him. There’s also an old guy hanging around her, helping and having “deep” conversations about the way things were and the current sorry state of vampirism. After this we journey to one of the lamest night clubs I’ve ever seen… and as a teenager I went to some very lame nightclubs… and watch as the vampire lady picks up a chick after some lazy dancing and talks a bunch to her in between scenes of their lethargic nightclub gyrations. After that brief trip to watch our lady vampire get a snack, she welcomes the killer she’s just turned to the family. People die, the cops close in, the new vampire recruit may be a bit more trouble than he’s worth and all action plays out like it’s filmed in a few gallons of thick molasses. In between the boring cop drama I don’t care about and the boring vampire drama I don’t care about, there’s a bunch of people who did all they could with the money they had. There’s some cheap violence which gives me those warm backyard movie vibes and the actors are at least fuckin’ trying (Imma give James Craven his props, probably a wonderful stage actor). It’s ambitious, which I respect, but unfortunately it’s not all that entertaining. I feel bad for movies like this because these are the types of flicks I want to like, there’s some admiration there… it’s just really hard to stay awake when nothing is getting the ol’ ticker ticking.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Man, I really wish this wonderfully stupid title belonged to a movie that was way more exciting… but that’s TV terror for ya. A woman and her niece move into a recently inherited ancestral home and discover it’s still inhabited by a couple spirits from the era of the Revolutionary War. Niece Sara is immediately drawn to the place and feels right at home. There’s a next door neighbor with a lot of face (I mean… that’s a bunch of face Richard Egan has going on… he looks like someone drew a caricature of Frank Sinatra while tripping on LSD) by the name of Pat and he welcomes them to the neighborhood right away. The house is the hot gossip of the town because it turns out Aunt Ruth’s now departed cousin discouraged any visitors. Pat invites them to dinner by his place and that’s where Ruth meets Pat’s nosey aunt and her friend who just so happens to be a psychic medium. Of course, a séance is planned. Sara starts seeing a young man who looks like an air-brushed Andrew Robinson from Dirty Harry but with the addition of a creep-stache. Ruth has a strange nightmare involving her niece begging for help in slow motion, Pat has an odd reaction to a portrait of some Revolutionary soldier, nobody can find the source of a draft that seems to travel all over the house, a voice is heard calling for someone named Anne in the middle of the night, Pat and Ruth get there smooch on and the séance goes down against Ruth’s better judgment. It doesn’t go well and after letting out a shrill scream whilst trying to connect with her spirit guide, the medium passes out. That portrait falls into the fire and Sara obviously gets possessed by some poor soul. Windy supernatural powers and attempted murder follows. Pat blames schizophrenia but Sara’s boyfriend and Aunt Ruth know something beyond the realm of science is playing out… they just have to figure out what the hell it is in order to save the young girl. The cast is wonderful, doing some fine overacting when the action calls for it (Kitty Winn mugs with the best of them as Sara) and Barbara Stanwyck at least seems comfortable as the new homeowner in way over her head. It’s dull but the fun kind of dull that seems to be well at home in TV movies from the time… it doesn’t really bore, just kinda feels like a comfortable meal you’ve had so many times in your youth and just miss the hell out of now that you’ve grown older and cannot match the recipe your mom had mastered.
aka Nightmare at Shadow Woods/Slasher
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Ten years following the incarceration of a twin boy for the brutal murder of a man at the drive-in, said twin, Todd, escapes. His memory has been coming back and he’s thinking he may not be as guilty as he believed he was. This puts a bit of a hamper on the Thanksgiving gathering for his family this year. But here’s the thing; is Todd as homicidal as believed or could it be his twin brother Terry falsely accused him and is the one with a loose screw or two? As it’s been nearly forty years, I’m comfortable in telling you that Terry is a psychotic piece of shit and this is some bad news for anyone hanging around the apartment where his mother Maddy (Louise Lasser, sounding especially like she smoked a few packs of cigarettes before filming) lives. That’s not even a spoiler, they don’t really leave it open for interpretation following the hatchet slaying of the young dude getting his bone on in the backseat of his car. Terry’s been able to manage his homicidal tendencies but his mom’s recently announced engagement has set something off… helps that his escaped brother leaves the perfect scapegoat for his killing spree. Todd’s sympathetic doctor believes her patient’s claim (she won’t be around long), Maddy is in denial but finding it harder to ignore some obvious warning signs her “good” son is displaying, Maddy’s fiancé is trying to keep things calm (he won’t be around long) and the remaining gaggle of dopes in the orbit of the messed up family begin dropping like flies. Old Style, Ted Raimi selling condoms, Louise Lasser eating leftovers on a kitchen floor, Louise Lasser drinking whilst vacuuming, pitch black humor that works, a dude who kinda resembles what the offspring of Nick Cave and Bruce Springsteen would look like and enough wine consumption to get you through a holiday party that nobody but your racist great aunt attended all grace the runtime. It’s no classic but it is enjoyable and features some oddball performances and memorable murders.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
An internet fashion mogul’s daughter goes missing from the rural estate she calls home. An urban legend concerning a summoned spirit who snatches the soul’s of phone-addicted dorks. A reclusive psychic. A team of tech-savvy ghost hunters. That’s the stew we’re working with. I have not been quiet about how Bloody Mary scared the shit out of me in my youth and the freaky entity at play here is just a modernized version of that childhood nightmare that made it impossible for me to sleep in a room with a mirror. World weary psychics with drinking problems are my kind of psychics. Vast estates in the middle of nowhere with plenty of corners and shadows to hide in are my kind of haunted locations. Ghost hunters in over their head are how I prefer my investigations. So, needless to say, I had my dinner plate ready for second helpings. Bella Hawthorne is called in by the frantic mother (stopping her from writing her suicide note after mournfully looking at a photograph of an older gentleman. I should also note that this farewell message was being scribbled on a piece of paper with a giant header in fancy text that read Final Words of Bella Hawthorne. Yeah. It’s serious) and the distressed woman is out of options as the police believe her kid ran away but mama is thinking the paranormal is at play and she will pay whatever sum is required to get her girl back. Bella consults with the framed picture of her father and heads out. An excited group of corporate sanctioned ghost hunters (actually in the “hunting” sense as they are a bit more hands on and instead of just trying to make contact are there to terminate to the best of their ability) are looking forward to the payday in their future and are ready to kick some spooky booty. They’re not exactly happy to hear a psychic will be joining them (they prefer to rely on science), especially one who has a history of fucking things up. Not that Bella’s happy to have a team there too. She prefers to work alone and would have walked if not for the desperate mom pleading for her to stay. Luke is the level-headed leader of the group. Willy is the obnoxious loud mouth with a chip on his shoulder. Jada is a bitchy New Yorker who immediately dislikes Bella. Neil is an older gentleman who is new to the group and seems to be the expert on all things spooky. Troubled by the fact that the spirit they’re up against may be stronger than anticipated, the lure of money and fame if they’re successful at their job quiets any concerns and they decide to take a couple days to see what they can accomplish. They also lose their hotel rooms so end up breaking protocol by staying the night on the property. Jada calls forth Amorosa because she’s desperate for funds and the spirit answers. Bella picks up on the lands twisted history, Luke and Bella hit it off and prove to be quite a capable team, the mother seems like she may be hiding something and it may take its time to get there but bad shit is on the horizon. Making the genius move of setting a familiar story in a universe that’s just slightly outside of our own in its acceptance of supernatural tomfoolery, this bad boy gets to have some fun with its nightmare. It doesn’t exactly work all that well when it aims for drama and some of the comedy elicits more groans than laughs but luckily it’s way more concerned with the specter handling and shenanigans. I respect anything that feels fresh this deep into the genre game and everyone here is trying their damndest to make this work. Troubled pasts, violent entities, two likable leads and minor scares (still an awesome if barely seen entity) join together for an unexpected good time.
