Free Spirit (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Given one hell of an opportunity, a young music journalist in the year of our lord 1973 is set to profile the titular rock group who vanished right after their first album and, now that they’ve returned from hiatus, they just may be the next big thing. Like most 70’s rock bands, they have a pretty big secret but as opposed to underage groupies, bestiality, drug addiction and playful Devil worshipping, this band’s skeletons are stuffed in a closet deeper and darker than most. When questioning them on their hiatus, the usually playful group of musicians become standoffish and vague. There’s something strange going on but they also seem to aspire to actually make it big. Filming at a Hollywood Hills afterparty finds the enthusiastic journalist plunging headfirst and blind into a nightmare scenario and since this is the only footage left that explains just what went down, I don’t think she’ll be writing for Rolling Stone anytime soon. An incredibly fun found footage horror piece looks the part as best as it can and sketches enough information in its short runtime to make it a good time. Also, the character Steven looks like a young Michael Showalter, and that makes me happy.

Surviving Evil (2009) (UK/South Africa)

aka Evil Island

⭐️⭐️1/2

A documentary crew sets up on a remote Filipino island looking to film an episode for one of those survivalist programs that exploded in popularity following the success of Survivor. Host Billy fuckin’ Zane (sadly not playing himself) and his crew realize something is very wrong when their laid-back production gets disrupted by something very dangerous in the jungle. Ya see, the lovable Southeast Asian spooker the Aswang calls the island home. If you’re not salivating at the thought of Billy Zane and Aswangs featuring in the same movie then I’m afraid you will find no joy in these pages and we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. Anyways, their Filipino guide knows a little more than he’s saying about the island, the local tribe has recently been slaughtered and eaten thanks to a pregnancy (Aswangs got a taste for babies in the womb, don’t ya know) and unfortunately one of the crew has just found out she too may be pregnant. The blood-drinking fiends hide out in the trees, attracted to the scent of unborn babies and have a fear of fire. There’s also a legend about them attempting to use a pregnant host to incubate their own spawn… Uh oh. There’s Japanese gold buried on the island but of course the cave leading to those riches is the dwelling of the Aswang. Zane gets bit, body parts fall from trees, wild dogs show up and the delightful rubbery Aswang costumes don’t get nearly enough screen time. Should be comfortable viewing for those undemanding SyFy creature feature fans of which I am a proud member.

Fog²: Revenge of the Executed (2007) (Germany)

⭐️1/2

Oh Lordy! Something running one minute over an hour should not drag this much ass. But it’s German SOV, so here we are. Jenny is plagued by nightmares involving skeletons in robes chasing her through some negative-tented dreamscape. She and four friends decide to take a beach vacation and shit slowly goes bad. The suicide of some random dude starts everything off and soon some folks start dying. A journal is discovered discussing a plot by six Nazis to assassinate Hitler, they were caught and Jenny’s grandfather signed off on their execution. A fog rolls in and brings the six teleporting and sword-wielding Nazi skeletons with it. The gore is (very) cheap digital, the action is almost nonexistent, and Andreas Schnaas shows up as a lighthouse keeper that delivers some important information about stolen Nazi gold.... at least I think. There were no subtitles and my German is iffy. You may get five or ten minutes of cheapjack enjoyment but not much else. I don’t know if the fog being squared is supposed to imply that it’s somehow foggier than John Carpenter’s classic but I can guarantee there’s far less fog in this cheap-ass German flick.

Final Prayer (2013) (UK)

aka The Borderlands/The Devil Lies Beneath 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Vatican investigators look into paranormal activity at an isolated country church, attempting to demystify the whole ordeal and find proof of a hoax. Weary Deacon is coming off a case in Brazil that went horribly wrong, smart-ass and non-religious Gray is the tech specialist making sure everything is documented and stuffy Father Amidon is heading the whole operation. As they research the site they come to discover that the only recently reopened church was built on a pagan temple and a force far older than their religion may still reside deep under the earth. Gray tends to think the supernatural is at play throughout and Deacon stubbornly joins his point of view as terrifying encounters with the unknown persist while Amidon remains steadfast in his belief that it’s all rubbish. From its intriguing setup and character building (the Deacon and Gray bond building is perfect) to its gruesome and fitting ending, Final Prayer is a crowning achievement of the found footage subgenre.

The Call (2020) (USA)

⭐️1/2

In the fall of 1987, Chris moves to the small town of Willow Falls and immediately catches the eye of classmate Tanya. He meets her friends and they bring him into their ritual of terrorizing local “witch” Edith Cranston (genre queen Lin Shaye) who they believe responsible for the disappearance of Tanya’s little sister. After plenty of torment, Edith hangs herself and her husband (Tobin Bell) puts a plan in motion to get some revenge. He calls the teens over to his home. Turns out Edith had included all four of the dinks in her will and there’s a cool 100K in it for each of them if they perform a simple task. Each kid is invited, one at a time, to make a phone call and on the other end of the line is the phone that was buried with Edith. If they can last a minute, the money is theirs but things are never that simple and a personal hell is about to be unleashed on each of the teens. The cast ain’t half bad and there’s a small amount of creepiness in the works but I found myself dozing off more than once.

Kaalo (2010) (India)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had some fairly low expectations going into Kaalo. From what I had read it was a semi-remake of Jeepers Creepers II with some minor Indian flourishes. While there is barely any dancing and singing, Kaalo still manages to retain enough of that classic psychotronic Eastern cinema vibe to keep me smiling. It's cheap as all hell but that's just part of the charm. In the 18th century, the desert village of Kulbhata was terrorized by an evil witch. This witch was sacrificing young girls in pursuit of immortality. The villagers eventually fought back and killed the monster but lived in constant fear of her returning. It became too much and Kulbhata was abandoned and has remained a ghost town for over two hundred years. Enter a small construction crew disturbing the empty village and faster than you can say "you really shouldn't be doing that" the crew is dead and the angry monstrosity is back with a vengeance. Nearby, a bus has just picked up a young man who goes by the name Sameer. He's on his way home with a bunch of dynamite and a plan to end a bad drought in his hometown. Handsome and brooding, it's quite obvious Sameer will be our hero. Also joining him on this ten hour bus journey is an older couple in route to see their grandson, a young girl on her way to her grandmother's house, a couple of lovebirds, a model and her photographer (who resembles an Indian Paul Naschy) and a quartet of rowdy young men on their way to a wedding (one of them vaguely resembles Artie Lange). There was also a family of four scheduled for travel but they are done away with by Kaalo before the bus can get to them. The group encounters a mysterious gorge in the middle of the road and are forced to change their course setting. This puts them traveling right through the cursed village of Kulbhata. The only one weary of this change of plans is the elderly priest who knows what evil supposedly lurks there. Nobody listens to him and they commence with the journey. Sure as shit, Kaalo strikes from the sky (she has poorly rendered CGi wings) and from below (she speedily travels through underground caves, popping up on her unexpected victim) with her nasty-looking antique battle axe. Sameer and the young girl forge a delightful friendship and he becomes her protector when it becomes clear what the old creature is after. There is a reoccurring song that shows up randomly but it doesn't slap like the dance numbers in other Indian fare. It's mostly played over existing dialogue so it just serves to make it look like it's being horrendously synced. There's some blood but nothing massive (as is common) and the infighting amongst the group is kept to a minimum. The witch is fun looking and the awful CGI accompanying her is pretty damn endearing. Add to that a likable cast and you have a moderately fun film that goes 90 minutes (as opposed to the two hour plus runtimes I've grown accustomed to).

Backwoods Marcy (1999) (USA)

⭐️1/2

A sleazy businessman from the big city gets himself lost in the Jersey Pine Barrens on his way to find some shithole in the middle of nowhere. He comes across a weirdo homeless woman and his quick business trip turns into a nightmare. After accidentally running over the woman, he flees on foot when his car refuses to start and she attacks. The incredibly slow chase is on and our “hero” learns that Marcy is not one to be fucked with. She rapes him at knifepoint and then throws him in a cage while she dances with his suit coat for what feels like a couple of hours. Rubber body parts come into play and so does a little cannibalism. During another attempted rape, he manages to get close enough to a fire and burn through the rope that has his wrists bound. He tosses Marcy into the fire and flees again. Her crispy ass keeps on coming and I keep checking how much time is left in the damn thing. The film hits the dumb but suitable end and then fucking refuses to wrap it up. Crap audio and a lethargic pace had me drifting off more than once and the damn thing just keeps on going. A dead prostitute, a climactic fight in dirty water, man ass and the acting chops of Mrs. Fingerbottom’s 4th grade production of Othello will either pluck your SOV heartstrings or have you banging your head against the wall… I now have brain damage.