Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The series travels back through history to follow the tragedy-born adventure of a younger (still old) Andrew Toulon (here played by Guy Rolfe) who catches the attention of one Major Kraus (Richard fuckin’ Lynch) and with most things touched by the rat-bastard hands of Nazi scumbags, that’s never a good thing. Ya see, the Ratzis are looking for a way to reanimate the dead because a soldier with the ability to still fight after falling is something any insane ruling party would want… especially if there’s a war on. The scientist they have working on this (yes, that is Elaine’s old boss Mr. Pitt, Ian Abercrombie) has been unsuccessful in granting a second life to the dead for any substantial amount of time and continued failure is not to the benefit of anyone working in a regime about as understanding as a Secretary of “War” with a drinking problem and small penis. So, word of a puppeteer who has seemingly granted life to his creations is a string that needs pulling (apologies) and the discovery of a chemical formula that is behind this is the answer everyone’s least favorite Germans are desperate for. Not being one to take “No.” for an answer, when Toulon refuses the offer to assist it doesn’t go down all that well. Toulon’s wife is murdered and his workshop is set on fire. Damn Ratzis. Thankfully, with true love out of the picture, Toulon can now focus on REVENGE! He and some familiar tiny faces are about to make things bloody. We get a new puppet in the form of multi-armed cowboy with plenty of guns and the origin of the Leech Woman and Blade to add to the Puppet Master lore. Somehow, David DeCoteau is the director behind this incredibly fun entry and judging by the man’s track record (I mean, have you seen Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper?), I’m gonna put most of the film’s success on the shoulders of writer C. Courtney Joyner (Prison, Deadly Stingers and the unexpectedly solid Quadrant). Lynch has himself a grand time and everyone takes the outing serious enough to make it work (look at Rolfe bringing the pathos). There’s fräulein bewbs aplenty, violence to assholes no one should care about, a peepin’ Pinhead (not that one), the Universal Studios backlot, that kid from The Horror Show and Amityville: The Evil Escapes and even some zombies to tide you over in between puppet mischief. The best the series would ever get.

Haunted Hospital (2018) (Germany)

aka The Sanctuary/Fear Challenge 

⭐️

Several annoying YouTubers (of course) break into a remote and abandoned sanatorium where Nazis experimented on tuberculosis patients. They plan on taking part in some spooky challenge that will bring them the success one finds when your idiocy goes viral. They’re spending the night in the supposedly super haunted building that doesn’t even allow tourists in during the on season and the spooky spookiness doesn’t take long to fire on up. A female specter starts materializing and the folks who already only just tolerate each other begin sniping. Patient 106 was scorned by her doctor lover/baby-daddy and laid out a curse before she took her own life. The (loosely-termed) celebrities freak and decide it’s best to just get the hell out of the place. Their cars don’t start, the gates are locked, the phones are missing and the reality of their situation sets in. Bad history, personal issues, moths, shrill shrieking, a bit of the red stuff and we all just watch the clock, waiting for these annoying ass-bags to get murdered.

#Vymara (2026) (USA)

⭐️

As horror films have taught me, relevance is all that matters to content creators and this desperation leads to filming your own death at the hands of something beyond the norm. This mindset is what brings some desperate folks (a conspiracy douchebag, an obnoxious red-headed Shane Gillis impersonator, his girlfriend, douchebag’s videographer and a hesitant true crime podcaster who are the loosest definition of “celebrity”, stumbling right into the path of something horrible. There’s an infamous video of a missing YouTuber who entered the woods to find some universal truths courtesy of some glowing plant that reacts to blood and vanished under mysterious circumstances. They come across the coordinates and the temptation of gaining views and money allows for any doubt to be ignored… even if the true crime podcaster remains less-than thrilled with what they’re getting into. There’s talk of cults, missing people, supernatural plants, giants and more of the usual high strangeness that is helpfully given some backstory by various other content makers who pop in between the footage of the unlikable folks wandering around the wilderness. Things begin to get weird, idiocy runs rampant and bodily harm finally comes for folks who I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire. The ridiculous bits are kind of stupid but not featured nearly enough so we’re just kind of stuck with one character who is only the slightest bit likable (not counting the cameraman who doesn’t say much) while drowning in the actions of two derps I can’t stand. Character development feels unearned and the unthreatening threat just fizzles out the more it’s on screen.

Blood Bags (2018) (Italy)

⭐️1/2

An American photography student in Italy, with an architecture fetish, and her friend come across an abandoned mansion in a quiet town. The splattery demise of a thief in the post-credits scene has already tipped us off that this is a place we don’t want our heroines to be. The Ohio-born gal convinces her cautious friend to break in with her to get some killer photos... yeah... bad idea. The spacious crap-shack is occupied by some Gunther-disease-suffering creep which, mixed with years of isolated rough living, has turned him into a stab-happy blood consumer. The poor girl who got dragged into the joint is taken out almost immediately and that leaves our American alone and trapped in the mansion. She eventually meets up with one of the thieves (the one that didn’t get his throat slit) and they both try to find a way out of the horrid home without falling into the clutches of the severely photosensitive psycho. There’s a couple of cops, an old man hanging around outside of the building acting all suspicious and a blood-collecting weirdo connected to the building and its inhabitant. We don’t get a good look at the “monster” for a large chunk of the runtime but we do get to see plenty from his blurry POV... and after seeing him, it was probably the right choice. Makenna Guyler stars and that’s about the only thing saving this from the garbage heap.

Southern Shockers (1985) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A trio of sinners receive a sermon they won’t soon forget from the... how to put it nicely... “intense” Father Hopewell. He’s had it up to here with all the drinking, fornicating and car worshipping and when three guilty nincompoops show up for Sunday mass he throws out his planned sermon and tells three tales of doomed fate. A chain-smoking horndog doctor shows up in a new town, set to open up his practice, instead he finds out the hard way that the township is made up of life force stealing weirdos. Simple tale with a hilarious “sex” scene and a cameo by what just may be the whole town of West Point, Mississippi. That kind of team spirit will always bring a smile to my face. Our drunk sinner reconsiders his life after the holy man spins a yarn about a bad batch of moonshine and the gooey side effect of consuming it. The moonshiner knows the batch is bad but money is money and it only becomes his problem when his partially melted customers come back to have a drink with him. Some icky special effects and a few bonafide backwoods folk make up for a dead dog and a sleep-inducing first act. Finally, our auto worshipper proves to be a real dick on the road but he comes to learn a fatal lesson in driving etiquette when a sunglasses-wearing, scythe-wielding demon driving a hearse starts chasing his rude-ass down. Hell of a lot of fun and the goofy yet somehow creepy monster mask charms me to no end. Surprisingly solid no-budget flick shows how a strong community backing can help you cover any limitations. The cast and crew are all above average for this kind of homegrown oddity. Interestingly enough it was only released on VHS in Spain so it’s dubbed in Spanish with English subtitles. I really dug it.

Hungry (2026) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

If Congo has taught us anything, it’s that Bruce Campbell should open up more movies and that the scariest animal in the world is not man, hyper-intelligent grey gorillas or shadowy corporations… no, it’s the hippopotamus. Now, further proof comes in the form of 2026’s live action version of beloved board game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. I think, or, I assume. Vacationing youths doing the thing all vacationing youths do while running from grief in Louisiana get a discounted gator tour invite by a handsome tour guide during a night out drinking. Off to the bayou our two hungover gals (faring far better than I ever have after a night of shots and hip shaking) go along with a group of assorted holiday makers looking for some local flavor. The tour’s gift shop is the first stop and the attached museum comes along with an old-timer hunter/owner (the perfectly cast Joaquim de Almeida) who warns of the dangers of hippos (“The only cute hippo, is a dead hippo.”) and the history of them in the area. After this brief exposition drop delivered with Mr. Almeida’s professionalism, the small group (guide, gals, a busy businesswoman missing her kids, a grandpa, his daughter and her teenage son) head out into the water to see them some gators. Explicitly, a very large one they have a tracker on. Of course, they find the reptile’s mutilated corpse and it’s revealed the businesswoman tipped some extra cash to get the guide to go a few miles off the designated path. Oh… we know where this is about to go. The boat gets tipped over and the guide gets attacked by something very big, leaving the group stranded and surrounded by way too much water. Phone reception? What are you an idiot? Radio? Probably shorted out… duh! So, kinda fucked because the only thing they can do is wait for the boss to realize they are missing and head out to the last tracking location. It’s a long wait made even longer by the fact that their guide is in danger of succumbing to his wound (a ten-inch tooth!), the climate of the area ain’t all that suitable for humans and the beast hanging around just out of sight is beginning to pick them off. The likable grandpa (super likable character actor Jim Meskimen) bites it first (his firefighter heroic mentality bites him in the ass alongside the semi-aquatic mammal) after he sacrifices himself in a completely futile act that saves nobody. Two dopes down (and I imagine more than one hell of a lawsuit) later, the boss finally gets off his ass and heads out into the swamp. He’s a cranky dick about things and the businesswoman has a quick flash of bitchiness that fucks things up. More people die and eventually a small group of survivors make it to land… but as we know, this threat is labeled semiaquatic for a fucking reason. We learn why the hippo is hanging around and why we should just leave them to sub-Saharan Africa. You hear me, Teddy Roosevelt? Of course not, you’re fucking dead. Digital monster antics are somehow better presented than the even less believable melodrama but that’s just the way it goes. A cheesy blast that has no shame in being a larger budgeted SyFy original and I respect the fuck out of that. Listen, I love me some stupid movies and this is a stupid one that doesn’t exactly deserve its runtime but I’m all for the nonsense of hippo attacks in Louisiana… yes, I am an idiot.

Vazhiye (2022) (India)

aka The Trail 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Struggling to get his YouTube channel into the realm of popularity, Albin lands on focusing on ghost encounters to get those all important viewing numbers up. He gets his girlfriend Teena to journey out to a supposedly haunted location in the jungle where dissidents were executed and are supposedly still wandering. After a mostly chill bout of fireside fun and some strange noises during their first night, things get hectic and all hell breaks loose after some masked folks disrupt the camping trip. Presented as discovered camera footage so let’s not fall too deeply in love with our well-meaning heroes. They are nerdily charming which you don’t get too often with anyone who has “vlogger” listed primarily as their means of income. Some gorgeous locations help move things along during the lulls in action which sure as shit beats the overused but admittedly sometimes atmospheric dilapidated asylums, prisons, houses etc. I mean, they’re still lulls so it’s not exactly optimal but I appreciate at least having something nice to look at during some scenes. Combining two things I have a soft spot for when it comes to horror, that would be found footage and Indian fare, Vazhiye had a bit of a head start when it came to my attitude approaching it. Yes. It takes a long time to get to the fucking point but likable leads and the fact that it deviates down a slightly unexpected path made it worth my time. The supernatural is kept at arms length and the inevitability of an unfortunate fate looms heavily over everything as social media hijinks shift to dark web nausea to maybe something worse and paints a good picture of why the fuck you shouldn’t be sharing your life for everyone to see but also being cautious about where the hell you decide to tread. It never feels mean because it refuses to be explicit and I’m fine with that.