⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
In a deserted (well, there’s one dude there who runs the motel but he doesn’t make it very long) Colorado town, sometime in the year of our lord 1887, the passengers of a stagecoach and an enigmatic gunslinger, who just had to put down his horse, run afoul a duo of vicious outlaw brothers fleeing a neighboring town following a bank robbery that ended in a teller’s death. The stagecoach is carrying a youthful deputy from the town where the bank robbery went down, his new wife, a young reporter writing a series of articles on the Wild West, a sassy saloon owner and a reverend… along with the two stagecoach drivers. The town marshal and a super hot tracker he’s recruited by the name of Black Deer are in pursuit of the criminals, heading to the only likely place they can go. Black Deer warns the marshal that she’s had a dream vision of a dangerous Navajo legend called a Skinwalker which coincides with an upcoming blood moon. She warns the lawman that he should postpone his search a couple of days but he dismisses her superstitions and insists they head on out. Black Deer agrees and makes sure she has white ash handy… something that will help with the monster she is sure is out waiting in the wilds for them. Nearby, the hostile pair of rat bastards have some nasty plans in the works for the random group of travelers but, of course, Black Deer knows what she’s fucking talking about and a monstrous hunter is already stalking the group. Upon finding the mutilated corpse of the former mining town’s sole inhabitant, the gunslinger (Calhoun) recognizes that something supernatural is at play but he has a hard time convincing Deputy Norman or anyone else that the unknown has come calling. He doesn’t get much of a chance to concern himself with it when the two brothers open fire on them, killing the Reverend and the coachmen. Sociopathic Jeb and his older half brother Hank take control almost immediately. There may not be much monster action but the impressive cast (especially Shaun Dooley as the cool and calculated Calhoun and Raffaello Degruttola as the psychopathic Jeb) carry the drama and action well. We also have a solid script which keeps the tension thick and never really feels like it’s ambling around, wasting time because it doesn’t have a monster to display. If you’re not a western fan, ya may not get much mileage out of it but I am a fan and I don’t get to sit down with all that many horror/westerns. The bulky monster suit is fun if less than impressive but it’s still nice they have some practical creature and violence on display. It ain’t perfect but considering it’s a low budget werewolf western with a cool folklore you don’t see thrown in the mix all that often, it’s a remarkable feat.
aka Bloody Pom Poms
⭐️⭐️
Gimme an S! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a T! What does it spell?! Ah, you get the point. This very hard to sit through slasher flick involves a group of cheerleaders arriving at Camp Hurrah to compete in a… uhm…. competition. Of course most of them will end up very dead and you’ll probably end up very bored. The humor falls flat, the acting is crap and the rapping ain’t much better. The most likable character is George “Buck” Flower’s heartwarming portrayal of a perverted old coot. You may get a few chuckles from disbelief at the level of stupidity on display but that just may be me. On a positive note, Lorie Griffin is cute as all blonde hell and there are plenty of breasts.
aka I’m Still Waiting for You
⭐️⭐️1/2
Thirteen years ago an eye-patched psychopath had himself a little murder spree and now that man is back and targeting a fresh set of horny folks. The opening murder of two promiscuous dinks lets us know this lunatic had himself a hook and was obviously into urban legends. The man is caught soon after and thrown into an asylum. Thirteen years later he escapes, grabs his hook (conveniently displayed by his doctor), leaves a message letting them know the food there sucks and makes his way back to his old titular stomping grounds… or does he? Don’t matter anyways, it’s still nothing but bad news for a group of your standard high school victims-to-be. One of them is the daughter of the pre-credits female victim, also the cheating wife of a police officer-now-sheriff. It’s Valentine’s Day and they’re heading to lover’s lane to get their party on. The adults are also dealing with the mental anguish of that nightmare from the past coming back into their lives and worrying about what that may mean for their kids. Poor decision making allows the dopes to get themselves picked off and when they discover two of their number dead, they crash their only means of escape as they flee. The principal (whose husband was the one cheating with the sheriff’s wife and also got his ass hooked) and the sheriff team up when they find out their kids are off partying. It’s a simple slasher with a sense of humor that at least tries to put an emphasis on characters and most importantly it features national treasure Anna Faris as a new girl in school (and seemingly unable to part with her cheerleader uniform) and also one of those teens under the hook. The splat factor is nothing to write home about but the year of release should have had you expecting that. At least it never feels lazy. I won’t call it good but it is better than expected and has a memorably silly denouement.
aka The Occultist 2: Demons
⭐️
Annoying social media ghost hunters are invited to a shitty little loft to prove that it’s authentically haunted by the demonic spirit of a murdered nun. The man who has offered the invitation is willing to pay the winner of the contest one million for proof. Well it turns out he actually already has the proof and just needs a fresh batch of victims to feed the nun. There’s an amulet that protects its owner from the murderous spirit and more failed comedy than a batch of those parody films that were popular about a decade ago. Everything about this film is subpar, from the “effects work” to the acting to the absent script (I have a sneaking suspicion most of the dialogue was ad-libbed). The demon nun doesn’t show up until there’s about 15 minutes left in the film and kills the only somewhat likable character right away. Fuck it. Sometimes the complete lack of talent brings joy but mostly you’re just constantly reassuring yourself that at some point the movie must end.
aka Lion Man
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
An odd epic from Turkey plays out like a mostly non-fantastical fantasy with a hint of kung-fu sensibility. The evil Sir Antwan incites a successful coup which leaves King Solomon and his wife dead. Their newborn baby vanishes before Antwan can get his traitorous hands on him and disappears into the surrounding forest. There, he is raised by a pack of lions and grows up to be a hopping, super strong Tarzan-esque young man with killer hands who roars like a lion. A group of rebels, looking to overthrow Antwan, believe they must find Solomon’s son (now known as Lion Man) to successfully end Antwan’s reign of terror. Luckily, Lion Man falls pretty hard for the rebel leader’s daughter and will be more than happy to assist the ragtag group of warriors in wresting control from the usurper of the thrown. Complicating things is Antwan’s son who may have a deeper connection to Lion Man than anyone could have known. A convoluted plot eventually gets us to Lion Man losing the ability to use his hands because of acid and getting two steel claws as a replacement. Horrendous voice acting, garish costumes and lunatic editing are par for the course of this vintage of Turkish cinema. The fight choreography is the stuff of trash film legend and there isn’t a cruel bone to be found within the fun one hundred minutes. You may be disappointed if you’re seeking out an action classic but it is extremely rewarding for fans of adventurous bizarre cinema.
aka Massacre/Death House
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Memorial Day weekend leaves a large sorority house near empty except for four lovable young ladies and their boyfriends. The building was the site of a horrible murder in which a young man slaughtered his entire family except for one young girl fourteen years earlier. Said psychopath has just escaped from the asylum where he’s been housed for more than a decade and he’s heading home. Beth (one of those lovely ladies) shares a telepathic link with the psycho and tries piecing together the strange visions and nightmares before her and all her friends end up deceased. It’s a minor slasher flick which rises above boredom thanks to an extremely likable cast. The telepathy angle is interesting but everything else feels a little too well-worn. The cast saves the movie but that’s not enough to bring on repeat viewings.
aka Dark Silence
⭐️
Following the tragic passing of his wife, Craig (looking like a Temu CM Punk) and his mute daughter move into a new home to escape the traumatic memories that have turned him into a depressed daddy and his girl into a silent Susan. A new start is hindered when it appears that there is something awful in the home and it has set its malevolent sights on the little lady of the house. Professionals tell the father that it’s just a manifestation of her grief and the terrible trauma she has undergone concerning the suicide of her mother but we know that their is definitely some creepy entity sticking to the shadows. Craig has strange dreams where he somehow fails at walking convincingly and wanders around the woods topless as some “spooky” voice makes threats, cryptic advice is spewed out and his daughter is claimed by the thing she’s been drawing in all her pictures. Dad’s frustration makes him act like an asshole and the poor mute girl just has to look on as he makes a fool of himself. Nightmare conversations with his dead wife, nightmare conversations with his bitchy sister, nightmare conversations with the nightmare entity and nightmare runtime in which all of this can play out. Drama handled by humans who should not be anywhere near dramatics have everyone sounding like they just learned what emotions are and may not exactly be comfortable with the kind of speech found on planet Earth. The boogeyman looks like a broke Full Moon fan cosplaying the bundled up form of the goon from Castle Freak. There’s a couple laughs because it comes off like a theatrical interpretation of The Babadook put on by the teenage residents of a head trauma ward who have never seen the movie and have only been told what the film represents.
