The Child (1977) (USA)

aka Kill and Go Hide/Zombie Child/Children of the Night

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Unstable and psychic 11-year-old Rosalie is still hurting over the death of her mentally ill mother. She blames everyone around her and, unlucky for them, she has made friends with some cool-looking zombies in a nearby cemetery. Feeding them a steady diet of kittens, they now do her bidding. The sweet new nanny her father has hired finds herself on the bad side of Rosalie when she starts spending time with her older brother Len. Low-budget California-shot zombie film from legendary exploitation producer Harry Novak is a real treat. Disorienting music, red-paint splatter and an off-kilter vibe throughout keeps the film enjoyable well before the action kicks in.

The Police are Blundering in the Dark (1975) (Italy/Turkey)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Amazing title aside, this giallo is one weirdo bit from a subgenre already stuffed to the brim with eccentric pieces. A journalist (who I briefly thought was Damien Thomas… probably just wishful thinking) ends up in the villa of an odd wheelchair-bound photographer (who more than resembles an 80’s prop comedian) as he looks for a missing female friend. She managed to call him when her car broke down on her way home from the photographer’s place but was too damn lazy to come get her right away and had her stay in the small village for the night. Of course, when he finally arrived to scoop her beautiful ass up, she was nowhere to be found. The innkeepers claim she must have left during the night and Giorgio almost leaves it be but when he sees her stalled car still there, he realizes she should still be around somewhere. It’s not a great time to be a young woman in the area because a deviant psychopath is targeting them for murder. We see this as soon as the opening credits close when the gloved fiend attacks an attractive stranded motorist with a nasty pair of scissors. Of course, her top is ripped open as she flees and stumbles before inevitably getting stabbed to death. The villa is housing more than a few weirdos making serious faces at the camera, the world’s most attractive maid and a porter who looks like what would have happened if David Cronenberg and Donald Sutherland had a baby and that baby grew up to be in The Bee Gees and is obviously up to something. A steady stream of incredibly attractive women grace the screen while interesting characters huddle around in the background in between murders. There’s also topless ham sandwich eating (the most comfortable way to consume ham), a large mentally challenged young man, a village fair dance number, locals unable to not stare directly at the camera, a head of hair that may have once been a garbage-eating varmint, the kind of fashion I would be embarrassed to leave the house in but would definitely give a go, awkward footsie, a distracting toupee and a strange science fiction angle that just kind of shows up about an hour in. The photographer (portrayed by Alberto Gasparri) may be the greatest weirdo in cinema history and I just want to spend every minute of this already off film watching him act like a frustrated alien pretending to be a tortured artist… it’s wonderful and makes up for the lack of murder plaguing the film. So, minorly boring and missing a solid set piece works against it but the slayings we do get are memorable in their brutality and everything else is soaked in a level of otherworldliness that’s more memorable than most of these forgotten giallo flicks.

Swabian Granny Massacre (2019) (Germany)

⭐️⭐️

Potty mouth Germans get themselves murdered by a mutated elderly woman (played by a young woman minimally aged with makeup and constantly holding her aching back) after she foolishly eats some preserved raspberries from the 1800s. The rubber-masked monster rips apart and mutilates dimwitted carpenters and their drug dealers without prejudice. Dummy violence is all the SFX budget could manage and it leads to plenty of that backyard splatter I love so much. Sadly there ain’t much else happening and the humorous aspects just become repetitive. Booze and/or like-minded weirdos will probably help with your viewing pleasure.

Murders in the Zoo (1933) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Lionel Atwill steals the show as a zoologist with a big-ass chip on his shoulder and a murderous jealousy when it comes to his wife Evelyn. Sure, she’s not exactly faithful but her husband is a bit of a deviant and assuredly a dick and any man close to her is meeting a grisly end thanks to the fangs, claws and paws of Mr. Atwill’s specimens. Divorce seems like it would be easier but I guess I’m just a quitter and slightly less megalomaniacal. Anyways, it’s bad news for Evelyn’s new suitor Roger Hewitt. Employees of the zoo where the animals are kept begin to get suspicious and an alcoholic press agent named Peter Yates is hired on by the failing zoo to get themselves out of dire straits. Yates is our comic relief and he’s not terrible but I still wouldn’t miss him if he were cut entirely. He’s also responsible for pointing out the man in Evelyn’s room to her husband when he goes to meet the doctor at the port. This gets Hewitt murdered. Smooth move, Yates. A clever use of a green mamba head poisons the young man and when Evelyn comes across said head in her husband’s desk drawer (she’s suspicious but now she has proof), she heads out to the zoo to expose her hubby. He catches up with her and when he fails to talk her out of turning him in, she takes a quick trip into the gator pit. Atwill attempts to throw the blame at the zoo and their negligence but we all know he’s a piece of shit and the employees are suspecting the same. Things start spiraling out of control and the hastily covered tracks Atwill has left behind will ultimately lead to his undoing. Some shocking violence (nothing compared to today but I was not expecting to see a man’s lips sewn together in an early thirties flick), plenty of animal footage passing for action and a leading role for the under-appreciated Atwill make for one hell of a fun time. Kathleen Burke is easy on the eyes as the ill-fated Evelyn and the damn thing barely runs over an hour so if you get bored, that’s really on you. Do I wish the film was actually about Atwill somehow controlling an army of various mammals to wipe out anyone who wronged him? Yes, of course but it’s not and we just have to deal with that. You can watch Michael Gough kind of do that in Black Zoo.

The Murder Mansion (1972) (Spain/Italy)

aka Maniac Mansion/Exorcism Mansion 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Perfectly weird Spanish/Italian co-production never takes an easy road, even if it forsakes sensical storytelling... and we’re all better off for it. A heavy fog leaves several travelers stranded in a decrepit mansion with the roads being far too dangerous to navigate. Their hostess shares tales of a witch ancestor and a local vampire, worsening the already nervous state of a rich heiress (one of the stranded played with wide-eyed crazy zeal by the breathtaking Analía Gadé) who was attacked in the abandoned cemetery near the house by an old woman in black and a hulking chauffeur who seemed less than alive. As the night draws on, more horrific sightings happen and lives are lost. A curious motorcyclist (the devilishly handsome Andrés Resino) and the beautiful hitchhiker (gorgeous Lisa Leonardi) he has fallen for attempt to solve the mystery of the murder mansion before they fall victim to its sinister shenanigans. Wonderfully bizarre film (that makes a bit more sense after the climatic reveal) is an unseen treat for at least a few horror fans. Worth tracking down.

Bloody New Year (1987) (UK)

aka Time Warp Terror/Horror Hotel

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A group of friends draw the ire of some elderly punks when they save a young lass from their shitty intentions. They escape by boat, forced to make landfall at a nearby island when they damage their vessel on a rock. A little exploring brings them to a hotel which is strangely decorated for the Christmas/New Year’s season even though it’s currently July. They decide to make themselves comfortable and slowly realize things are pretty damn weird in this random-ass island hotel. We learn that in the early hours of New Year’s Day, 1960, an experimental airplane crashed on the island and caused time to go all cattywampus. The past clashes with the present and things get dangerous as the whole damn place turns against the stuck idiots. A half crispy pilot follows them around, various creepers pop in and out of our dimension and one of their own gets possessed or something and becomes a hideously deformed psychopath. Nice and weird with more than a couple bizarre flourishes to keep you smiling. There’s also some well-orchestrated violence and a couple likable characters to root for... and some dinks to root against.

Sweatshop (2009) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

A group of idiots decide an abandoned warehouse is the perfect location for hosting a rave. Well, it’s not exactly abandoned and the dips who have just broken into the place are about to meet the violent inhabitant who only seems to be fueled by a lethal combination of rage and bloodlust. This is exactly why my mom told me to never go to an impromptu party hosted by rave-kids in a supposedly abandoned warehouse. She’s a smart woman. The killer carries a nasty-lookin’ mallet and wears a welder’s mask as he goes about his vicious business. The film opens up with some goth chick waking up in the buff in the middle of the warehouse and fleeing for her life. A police officer arrives on the scene, gets super spooked, guns down the naked girl with so many bullets he goes far past the point of accidental murder and then absconds from the scene of the crime. We jump to six hours earlier and get a look at how everything arrived at this unfortunate point. As a fan of the slasher genre, I have no issue watching a gaggle of irritating dopes come to wet ends via the meaty hands of a psychopath… and that’s pretty much all this is. Except here the horny “teenagers” are replaced by horny scene “kids” who are way too old to be doing this. The sexy trash goblins set up the rave and eventually the beast that’s been hiding in the shadows watching, makes his move. Adding some spice to the slasher proceedings, are the batch of zombie-like girls who travel with the welding-mask monster and also haunt the building and attack the unlikable cast of dinks. There’s a bunch of unfunny comedic dialogue and extended dancing scenes before anything of much interest goes down. Everyone looks like they have at least one venereal disease but there is nudity and practical effects making things just a little more tolerable but only just. We spend a bunch of time with characters too shallow to give a shit about or too outright awful to feel any concern for while nothing is happening and it’s a real momentum killer. Mean-spirited and void of any charm or likable humans, if you’re only in it for the violence (or for some sick reason, drawn out dance scenes of what I suppose one could call dancing), you may not feel like it’s a complete waste of time. Even with this cranky old horror fan, I found it mildly enjoyable despite itself.