⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
A team of miners (lead by complete badass Roland), working at one of the most dangerous mines in all of France, are tasked with guiding a professor underground so he can gather “samples” 1000 meters down. A landslide hinders their original route out so they have to look for a new exit. The team discovers an ancient crypt that ties into an old tragedy/legend and draw the attention of a malevolent creature happy for a new food source when greediness leads to the opening of a sarcophagus. They come across the remains of the vanished miners from the legend and an incredibly disturbing warning written on the walls in blood. More discoveries lead to more disturbing history. Not a great start. The professor finally shares what he’s after but it’s going to be too late to do much of anything for most of the team and maybe even the world… that’s Lovecraftian horror for ya. Amazing set design engulfs the viewer in an atmospheric underground world where every shadow could harbor something sinister, adding more danger to an already incredibly dangerous profession. More importantly, every dam character feels well-lived in and doesn’t come off as just popping into this reality to be served up as meat for the beast. We also spend some time with them going about their normal work, which is a hell of a way to garner sympathy because this job fucking blows and it’s about to somehow get so much worse. Which brings us, most importantly, to the monstrous threat dwelling deep in the darkness. It’s one gnarly lookin’ creature that combines an otherworldly presence with something reminiscent of human biology. Its hands are fuckin’ stellar… I don’t know how else to go about explaining it, the extended digits and movements are just pure nightmare fuel. Lite digital effects, costume work and puppetry bring the beast to life and it adds a proper level of uncanniness to its movements. It’s the underground creature feature I always wanted. The film runs more than 100 minutes but I never felt it dragging thanks to the damn thing firing on all cylinders. I am just so damn happy the French dropped the grating “Extreme Horror” fascination and turned their eyes towards monster flicks. There’s still some nasty violence but it’s not the focus of the damn thing. Between this and Infested, this is a new wave of genre films I can get all the way behind.
aka Paranormal Investigations
⭐️⭐️
Carter Simms is a well-respected ghost hunter who gets in over her head when she takes part in a three-night investigation inside a house with a blood-drenched past. The 5,000 dollar pay day just doesn’t seem worth it when the evil residing within the walls begins to manifest. A cameraman, a weird church representative the homeowner has hired and a journalist are dragged down with her as everything goes to hell in a hand basket. The church lady is obviously hiding something and the flashbacks to the family murder from a few years back are incredibly intrusive and annoying. Cold spots get everything rolling and an abundance of night vision does it’s damndest to creep you out. The ghosts talk in reverse and it’s pretty damn hilarious. There’s a baby drowned in a tub, motor-mouthed narration, stiff acting, a whole lotta talkin’, line delivery on the opposite side of talent, spontaneous menstruation, surprise nudity, peaking specters, sexual perversions and a religious-themed helmet that belongs in hell. It’s mostly boring with minor touches of interest and it runs way too long. At least it tries to bring something a little different to the table.
aka Red Moon Lake
⭐️1/2
No. It’s not a sequel but the Amityville name has some marketable power and no copyright because it’s an actual place and supposedly based on truth. Without any IP claims causing lawsuits, any independent filmmaker can add a little luster to their garbage film by sticking Amityville in front of it. Does it work? Well, they keep getting thrown out there with a threadbare connection if there’s any at all. I doubt the returns are much of anything but I’ll never squash the happiness of some horror buff (or money fan) getting their movie seen by at least this dumb fucking genre lover. We open up with a cleaning crew in the infamous house with a quick flash of some infamous murders (no names are mentioned and the only indication we have of this being the evil piece of Long Island realty is those old familiar windows). A quick possession turns one of the female cleaners into a vampire and she does away with her coworkers. With that out of the way, we join a couple of idiots getting to know each other with a tattoo discussion and some smooching. The dude proves to be a complete dick when he attempts to force himself on her and gets all aggravated when she turns him down. Dude leaves her in the middle of nowhere and she ends up getting bit by some chalky vampire woman. We then meet a retired DJ discussing his plans to propose to his girlfriend Fran during a camping trip at Red Moon Lake. Fran is a timid young woman who has an annoying “strong-willed” sister. She attempts to talk her out of her relationship with the former DJ, Johnny, and the possible marriage proposal coming her way. The boring couple’s romantic getaway commences and Johnny shares the history of their destination with Fran. It involves a full blood moon, a billionaire named Lilith A. Thanos, her orphan employee named Gloria Standard, a Thanksgiving cabin getaway between the two lonely women, a fur-clad psychopath and Ms. Thanos’ true intentions when it comes to her pretty dinner guest. Then we get another story from Johnny about an old man named Caleb and his dying wife. Fed up with the string of tragedy hitting him and his family, Caleb makes a deal with an obviously evil woman who comes a-knocking with his dead daughter at her side and promises to heal his wife. Of course, he gets eaten. The anthology-ridden car ride (endurance test) ends and the two begin their little camping trip. They set up their tent right next to the parking lot (roughing it) and as night rolls in, so does a van full of rapist punks. As one attempts to rape Ms. Thanos, the other two wander off to investigate a car alarm. This is bad news for the newly engaged Johnny and Fran. Eventually the rapists get what’s coming to them and the film blesses us with finally ending. There’s a whole bunch of talking between people who developed their acting style by watching soap operas, 90’s pornography or 1963’s Blood Feast. Cheap splatter and the kind of sexiness one used to find on the USA network after midnight offer a few reprieves from the butt-numbing tedium but that only gets you so far. There’s an enjoyable ten minutes of film here but unfortunately the damn thing is just a bit over ninety.
⭐️1/2
Jay and his crew make some money by faking demonic hunting excursions and posting them on YouTube. This is the horror genre so eventually these shitty tactics are gonna come back to bite the collective asses of Jay and his team. Could not happen faster to this aggravating piece of shit. The team arrives at a Toronto hotel which is supposedly haunted by a demon and they set up in the room where the demonic activity calls home. I doubt I have to tell you where this is going and if you need a little help, the opening text about this footage being found at the hotel should push you over the finish line. YouTube ghost hunters are annoying as fuck at their best and this host manages to capture the obnoxiousness of that sub-sub-sub-category of entertainer but it still doesn’t make for a good time. Digital glitches stand in for scares in the early going and when the high strangeness begins, the team has trouble accepting that it’s not the usual hijinks manipulated by the crew or natural phenomena. The group of four disagree on whether the supernatural is to blame for the weirdness and Jay decides that even if there is an actual entity on site, they need to stay and collect more evidence. That quest for views is gonna get them killed and Jay is the one who pretty much has the blood on his hands. A raspy demon voice hisses “Cryyyyyyyyyy.” and that’s where we get the movie’s title from… just in case you were wondering. A maintenance man shares the truth behind the haunting of the room with the group and a medium who has a history with the room is called in to help the team… she fails. The power goes out, one of them gets violently ill and the door won’t open which causes everyone to start bitching at each other. Paranormal Activity serves as a bunch of inspiration for some bedtime shots and the expected Blair Witch confessional hits towards the end. It all goes to prove that the advice of “Don’t knock it till you try it.” shouldn’t always be followed. A few passing moments of fun and unintentional comedy make it not a complete wash but no one will blame you if ya skip it.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Interesting found footage anthology structures itself around one man’s dangerous ambitions to catch a trans-dimensional entity on camera. That’s the basis of the wraparound titled To Catch a Demon which picks up with his research partners discovering their barebones lab-space unsecured, in disarray and their research partner missing. They check out the footage on the rolling camera to see just what the hell happened. The whole idea is that time fluctuations are where these entities labeled demons and spirits kind of exist between our known realities. The plan is to harness the human’s REM state (the closest match to the actual time fluctuation where supernatural things dwell) and allow one to view said things that go bump in the night. While this is going on, we dip into other encounters that have a tenuous connection to the researcher’s film and spooky shit happens. In The Hunters & the Hunted a husband and wife move into a fully furnished house in the hills. Their excitement turns to horror when some creepy shit starts up. Phantom footsteps, spooky knocks and moving objects get the husband thinking they should have a camera rolling at all times to document the strangeness. They bring in some paranormal investigators as things get aggressive. The ghost hunters see this as a ticket to hitting it big but the malicious nature of this haunting has some other plans in store for the trio of investigators. Some genuine chills and a satisfying ending make this pretty damn solid. After an awesome creature reveal in our anchoring segment and revelations of a pretty big problem, we hit up the next entry with Cam Girls. A cam girl is having blackouts as she and her girlfriend party hard with the money they’re making off of their shows. Things escalate as manipulation leads to physical violence and physical violence leads to one horrific revelation as to just what our concerned leading lady’s new girlfriend is actually up to. Flashes of cheap-looking fright makeup may have you rolling your eyes but the manipulation of the sad guy watching the show is the right amount of depressing. It all feels a little bit like a high schoolers short horror film that had some input from a teacher who knew what they were going for but didn’t want to take the reigns. It’s not too offensive but it’s definitely the weakest entry up to this point. Another revelation awaits our team of scientists as the head of the experiment realizes that no matter what things you uncover as you look where man was not meant to look, there’s always something worse just waiting to get in. Finally, Amanda’s Revenge hits and we watch a young woman slowly unravel the strangeness enveloping her life following an attempted rape at a friend’s party. Seems this was a trigger incident because there’s some bizarre crap in her past involving her mother murdering her father and intense weirdness. She crashes by her friend’s house and asks her three friends to watch over her while she sleeps. Telekinesis, aliens, self defense, friendship and sulphuric acid in water balloons all have their part to play as the drama unfolds. It’s all pretty fun and features a couple likable leads. Our main story comes to a close, time gets a little wonky and there’s a few bad ends in store for people. Outside of the shaky middle story, Dark Tapes is a winner which manages to keep things interesting and utilizes the found footage format to get past budgetary constraints.
aka Bunyan
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A group of somewhat likable first-time offenders discover the American legend of Paul Bunyan is true and way more horrifying than folklore has us believing during some boot camp rehabilitation program in the Ohio wilderness. Along with the five young criminals looking to get out of jail time is a hard-ass corrections officer and a sheltered social worker looking to reform the kids with counseling instead of punishment. It all goes to shit when the giant shows up with murder on the brain after one of the dinks desecrates the grave of his beloved bull. People get squished, sliced in half, decapitated, dismembered and impaled as the giant goober dishes out vengeance. One of the girls is the spitting image of the gal Bunyan loved more than a century ago and therein may lie the key to the survival of the remaining delinquents. Her sheriff father is also in the area, trying to get to his daughter before the big ol’ dummy does. The green screen work brings about some serious giggles and the cgi is your usual SyFy channel awkwardness and it all makes for an enjoyably idiotic monstrous slasher flick. Dan fuckin’ Haggerty pops in to fortuitously take a shit while his logging camp is murdered by a deformed lumberjack with an axe. His bowel movement awards him some extra time on this earth before he meets the conveyer belt o’doom. Of course, Joe Estevez is a crazy old coot with a penchant for scenery chewing and silliness (so, Joe Estevez) and knows the true story behind Bunyan. Bewbs, blood, Babe the blue ox and beards all get their time in the spotlight along with unearned melodrama and a lot of screen time for the lumpy giant. No complaints here.
aka Goblins
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A disturbed, woods-dwelling teen brainwashes the children of a small town and turns them into zombie-like cannibalistic killers. A writer and a sheriff eventually discover the awfulness but do little to block the flood of blood. The film opens with a camp outing between father and son. They eat some fish, sing terribly, play hide and seek and then papa steps in some kind of varmint trap and fucks up his ankle. Typical camping trip with dad, really. Days pass and nobody comes looking for them. Rations dwindle, papa loses his mind as insects feed on his leg wound, dad eventually succumbs to his wounds and the kid eats his innards. This is the origin of the teenage weirdo. Ten years later, the writer John (an author of books on paranormal phenomena) and his family visit his old friend in the New Jersey boondocks following the disappearance of the man’s daughter. A helpful Bible salesman lets them know the area’s dark history and about a recent spate of missing kids, when they stop to see if he needs help with his stalled car. Convenience in action. Not so convenient is when he ends up getting cut in half by someone with a scythe. John’s old buddy, Sheriff Ross, explains how they have no leads on the missing kids and is hoping his friend can lend him a bit of assistance, hopefully figuring out what the hell happened to his daughter and the other missing kids. The town doctor struggles emoting as he questions the author’s authenticity and the small town is getting fed up with the lack of answers. John brings a psychic in to assist, a religious dude in old-man makeup knows there’s some evil shit going down, an obnoxious reporter stirs shit up, the sheriff’s wife is losing her shit and John’s wife thinks his books and beliefs are absolute bullshit. Hilariously, the psychic (who abuses the term “deary”) is lured out into the woods and murdered before she can do anything to help. Like I said, our heroes know something strange is going on, they’re just really slow to figuring things out and there’ll be a bunch of bodies piling up before anything is done to put a stop to the awfulness. That “stop” is the backwards and overly-religious townsfolk taking action and wiping out the tiny terrors with brutal efficiency. It’s undoubtedly stupid, very cheap and charmingly fun… when there’s more than town dramatics happening on screen. The cast looks like they all drink together in a very dark bar with wood-paneled walls and one dollar mystery shots. My kinda people. If it was meant to be taken anywhere close to seriously, the climatic child massacre would probably be unwatchable… and I don’t even like kids. “Tear it to pieces! Bite through the bones! Gulp the blood! Gobble the flesh!”
