aka Terror Tropical
⭐️⭐️
Deep in the Belizean jungle, Dr Humphries and her likable partner (Nikolette Noel) search for her missing papa with the assistance of the U.S. Army (lead by a jungle-loving Corin Nemec). They survive a skirmish with the local guerrillas but eventually partner up when they come under attack from a horde of freakishly large wasps. Of course, there’s some genetic experimentation going on from some shady American company and they’ve created one hell of an amalgam of horror. They eventually hunt down the hive to save whatever snatched-up survivors they can find and bring an end to the fire-breathing and shoddy cgi monsters. As much as I love me some Nemec (and he is fun here) the flick still feels pretty lethargic. There are some body-bursting wasps but it’s all kind of run-of-the-mill and could have used a nice boost of wasp-repelling cocaine to bring it somewhere above average.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Adin and Aisha arrived to the Netherlands from Bosnia when she was four and he was thirteen. Refugees on their own, they were in a shelter for years and then as they were finally about to be adopted, Adin disappeared. Now, Elias has taken a job documenting Aisha’s story and her quest to figure out what became of her brother. The opening home video from 1999 paints a picture of a disturbing fate that may have befallen the young man. The authorities assume he fled back to Bosnia and don’t seem to really give a fuck about a missing person who ain’t Dutch. They are invited to go back to the shelter where Aisha spent years she can’t really remember. Before they even arrive there, we find out that some unseen creep is secretly filming the young woman and the cameraman. The duo soon become as unsettled as us when their time at the refugee facility points to secrets, lies and a coverup. What the hell is going on and are the two sympathetic leads going to be able to come out of this experience alive? Come on. You’ve been here before. It’s found footage. You know where this is going. There’s also no doubt that the place is up to no good before the thirty minute mark hits because the movie decides to let us all play along on equal footing as everything spirals out of control. Gorgeous Nastaran Razawi Khorasani is great in the lead, balancing desperation, intelligence and the slightest bit of hope but also grounding herself in the reality of the situation. Claudio Magaña Torres is also well cast as the ambitious documentarian who is dedicated to the story but also may be a little too naive to see how much danger he and his subject are in. They make for a refreshingly solid team of found footage protagonists who actually have some chemistry… which makes the inevitability of where it’s leading all the more unfortunate. I usually don’t have much patience for genre outings that base themselves around dark-web-red-room-snuff bullshit but thanks to an excellent pair of leads and a focus on a group of people that are sadly looked over in my preferred genre, this one works.
aka Black Funeral
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
First full-length feature from amateur German splatter master Olaf Ittenbach is jam-packed with that garbage film enthusiasm I love and some awesome just as enthusiastic graphic violence. If you're an Ittenbach homer like me you need to see it (like you haven't already) and any fan of backyard trash horror must put this on their watchlist. Thommy (the man himself, Olaf Ittenbach) and his family move into a new house and upon an attic search for a guest bed, Thommy discovers a trunk wrapped in chains. Our power-mullet’d hombre decides to get inside that damn box and isn't going to let any of those warning signs a normal human would heed stand in his way. Thommy, you god damn fool. The contents of said attic box are an antique mirror and a diary. Thanks to an opening flashback we know some bad shit went down in this house prior to Thommy and the gang moving in. Thommy is about to discover through the power of reading that a man went crazy and killed his family. The diary warns of an evil presence taking over and the cursed mirror being behind it. Reading this, Thommy and his buddy laugh it off and decide to hang the mirror up. Uh oh. It doesn't take long for horrific visions and nightmares to plague our mullet-crowned hero. He's either being tortured (there's a nail driven into his penis which is then severed, followed by a sloppy gutting) or witnessing the brutal murders of his family. He tries to just shake it all off but it's becoming tougher. When the mirror manipulates his girlfriend to take a walk into oncoming traffic, he slips into depression. His family and friends don't get why Thommy is so sad. They were only dating for a little bit. Man, those Germans are cold. Already on shaky mental ground, when the dead love of his life starts visiting him in visions and going after him, Thommy starts to break. The shit show plays out and it leads up to a full on possession where Thommy rips his skin off and turns into a monster. He does away with his family and attacks his visiting friends. Along the way we're treated to plenty of eyeball violence, genital trauma and a whole bunch of dismemberment. Knives, axes and a chainsaw are all put to good use and everybody is an idiot. Like most films along these lines, the whole thing pretty much serves as an excuse for over the top violence. Unlike the majority of lovely garbage this era treated us to, most of the carnage contained within Black Past is expertly pulled off. Yeah. It's still obviously constrained by its budget but holy hell does it have teeth!
aka Never Cry Devil
⭐️⭐️1/2
Lying teen, Billy, witnesses his sexy new neighbor get murdered by the satanist who has been killing hookers all around town. The tall tales he’s become known for hinder his believability and when he accuses his prickish teacher of being the psychopath behind the mask, people are hesitant to believe him. He calls the police and the two homicide detectives get a weird vibe from the professor and his brother (the late, great Michale J Pollard) but don’t make any arrests. Billy goes to his dead dad’s retired cop friend (Elliot Gould) for help but doesn’t get far with the washed up sleuth, which leaves Billy to collect the evidence with only his girlfriend to assist. Gould decides to help, Billy’s gal gets snatched up and Billy learns a valuable lesson. Shannon Tweed is the ill-fated neighbor, Richard Roundtree is the homicide captain and Henry Gibson pops in as an expert on satanists. It comes off like a lame version of Fright Night, lacking the monster hijinks and genuine sense of fun. Allen Garfield and Pollard steal the show as the Satan-worshiping brothers and Tweed is memorable in her brief turn but everything else is pretty run-of-the-mill.
aka Flesh of the Living Dead
⭐️1/2
Somewhere in Virginia, a group of elderly teenagers are spending their Halloween in a decrepit house located in the middle of nowhere. The place is supposedly being used for some cheap-ass horror film (no, not this one) so it’ll be nice and spooky for the seasonal partying. Looking forward to a weekend of sex, booze and fun, these dopes instead find death in the form of flesh hungry zombies, a bald vampire and a ghost for some reason. Scarier than that is Ron Jeremy who is a grave robber which is slightly less worse than what he is in real life. The grave he desecrates contains a shockingly well-persevered corpse (bald Dracula… probably) and the amulet he has his partner snatch off the corpse is the catalyst for the deceased to rise from their graves. Cheap zombies (sweet!), cheap splatter (hell yes!) and cheap nu metal (oh no) soon follows. A horny couple gropes and smooches, everyone tries unsuccessfully to be the comic relief, the set looks like something Todd Sheets would utilize and almost everything is dumb as fuck. Featuring as much charm as an uninvited back massage from Ron Jeremy, it’s a brain-melting watch that has a garbage aesthetic I can get behind but also has some of the poorest audio work this side of a Long Island slasher flick and a complete lack of likable humans. Come for the dumpster fire horror shenanigans but stay for mumbled dialogue and the camera skills of a chimpanzee suffering from Parkinson’s disease. I don’t hate it but that’s just speaks to how damaged my brain is and how awful my taste in movies is.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Folks gotta stop dumping bodies in haunted lakes! A young girl is raped and murdered thanks to the richest man in town’s daughter being in love with her fiancé. He forces her and her father to leave their home and then sends out his goons to go be goon-ish. Just so happens the water where the wronged woman is dumped had been the final resting place for a cat-centric witch who terrorized the village 100 years prior. Now the kitty witch has a vessel for revenge and is about to come a-knocking for every asshole. Cat attacks from off screen, wire work and stuffed animal stand-ins make for an interesting time. There’s plenty of despicable humans to root against and the ghostly witch with claws is an excellent bit of nightmare fuel.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Bomb tests in the Pacific Ocean have created a giant radioactive octopus and now said creature is causing problems for the U.S. Navy. If Uncle Sam hates anything, it’s something fucking around with his interests. Naval commander Pete Matthews has an encounter with the creature while working on a state-of-the-art atomic submarine and comes to the conclusion of what the mystery beast is after bringing in a couple prominent scientists. The Naval command does not believe them at first but the sinking of a ship by the colossal cephalopod forces them to come around to the identity of the threat. Just in time too, because that big-ass beast is hungry and has left its familiar feeding grounds to grab a meal in San Francisco. Pete and the scientists race against the clock to figure out how to stop the beast. It’s a bit too slow-going for its own good but manages to just be above average when it comes to these 50’s creature features. Plus, Ray Harryhausen provides the awesome creature effects and how the hell am I not gonna be in love with a giant fucking octopus attacking the Golden Gate Bridge? Kenneth Tobey is his usual leading man greatness and the stock footage is impressively utilized to add to the story.
