Shadows of Bigfoot (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Filmmakers journey deep into Blackwood Forest with the hope of tracking down a hermit who calls the remote wilderness home. The man is suspected of killing his wife while they were out camping but he claims innocence and points the finger at the North American forest ape as the true culprit. This is why Grace, her boyfriend Drew and their cameraman Jake are searching for a possibly dangerous, possibly insane or maybe even both forest-dwelling local by the name of Jeb McCoy. A recent “bear” attack (the three slaughtered hunters are taken out in the opening) has the area they’re trekking towards closed off to the public but when they stumble across some weirdo hippie hillbilly zoning out in the woods who claims to be searching for a missing camper, he warns them not to fear the creatures of the woods but the people who live out there. Not a great start to any trip into the woods but, this is found footage, so even without the vague warning from the lunatic cousin of Willie Nelson, this group was most likely doomed anyways. As they wander around the dark, they come across a couple of other folks camping in the area who are willing to tell them about their encounters with Sasquatch… they’re also willing to share their beer. It’s Busch, so I’d probably sit by the fire and down six or so too. They learn that the usually tranquil cryptid is the human-killing beast it is because when it was a cub some hunters came and wiped out its family. Our trio of filmmakers are happy with the interviews and are now even more determined to find Jeb and get an exclusive interview. Regulations and fines be damned, they land on ignoring the ranger’s warning and traversing the trail they should be avoiding. It’s a lot easier to accept this boneheaded move because all three of them are likable as all hell. Some dude shows up and offers his services to sneak them into the closed-off area with the cover of dark and avoid themselves some trespassing charges. His unscrupulous ass will do it for a discounted price of two hundred bucks. Ok, they may be likable but their decision making skills blow donkey dick. After they get to the desired spot and spend some tense and awkward moments with their untrustworthy guide, they finally get their asses to sleep but are woken up by the inhuman growls of something that definitely is not a bear. Deeper they go and unsettling proof begins to show up, Drew remains skeptical but the camera captures something huge lurking in the dark. Jeb gets found, video proof is shared and things quickly go south. It’s a fine bit of found footage from a man who loves adding to the subgenre and seems pretty damn enthusiastic about what horrors hide in the woods. Just look at Brendan Rudnicki’s output, we got Horror in the Forest, Forest of Death, Into the Forest and A Cold Grave which took place in a forest. I’ve seen the lot and this may be the best of em so far. So, keep it at my dude. I love found footage, I love folks running around the forest and I definitely love me some Bigfoot shenanigans.

Lady Terminator (1989) (Indonesia)

aka Nasty Hunter/The Revenge of the South Sea Queen/Snake Terminator: the Snake Wench Dies Twice/Terminator Woman/Shooting Star

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Opinion is split on whether Lady Terminator is the best movie of all time; split between people who agree and are correct and people who disagree and drink their own piss. I could just end it right here and tell you to go out and experience it for yourself and I wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep. You’ve gotten to know me through these dumbass reviews, so you should know exactly where I set the enjoyment bar. Alright. I’ll give you a little bit. An opening lover’s betrayal leads to a vagina-eel turning into a dagger and a promise of vengeance (I assure you, I’m not having a stroke). A century later a young and sexy anthropology student is possessed by the South Seas Queen and becomes an unstoppable killing machine, setting up an Indonesian remake of The Terminator but featuring mullets, the ultimate femme fatale, deadly sex, tighty-whities, mucho gun violence and the climatic insanity showcasing a blackened and crispy villain shooting lasers out of her fucking eyes following a massive explosion. It’s everything I want in a film but more.

Knock Knock 2 (2011) (USA)

aka Haunting at 1666/1666

⭐️1/2

No, it has nothing at all to do with the wretched New York slasher flick from 2007. So, that’s good. Unfortunately, whereas that outing shit the bed of the subgenre that gained popularity in the wake of Carpenter’s Halloween, this outing shits the bed in the subgenre that gained popularity in the wake of The Blair Witch Project. See kids, in the end, nobody wins! A quartet of twenty-somethings spend their All Hallows Eve knocking around supposedly haunted locations in Los Angeles. This brings them to an infamous house, the original title’s 1666, and to a fate that has remained a mystery until a year later when their footage was found. Our hero Aiden is the kind of dip who records everything and his girlfriend (fiancée after the first few minutes) is the kind of dip that puts up with his really annoying personality. Their friends aren’t much better and all together they act like idiots about a decade younger than their IDs would claim. An uninteresting and ill-prepared ghost tour (points for keeping it real) makes up the first act while the quartet talk over each other or read Wikipedia information about the spots they’re checking out. After a stretch of failed spooky sightseeing, the gang finally gets access to a haunted location (they break in) and something is there waiting for them in the abandoned house. At least it’s the ladies who instigate the stupidity and the guys are all cowardly about it… eat it, stereotypes! Young white dudes have been portrayed realistically stupid in horror films for far too long! A freak breeze gets everyone stuck in the house and looking for another door out and then frustration births the expected arguing. No cell service and no exit sets them up to meet their maker via supernatural tomfoolery… it doesn’t happen soon enough. Crying babies, digital interference, boarded windows, failing friendships, hollow heroics and sparingly used ass-standard apparitions stand in as the thrills. It at least seems to be trying a littler harder than the original Knock Knock although that name got attached to this bad boy after the fact… I assume because this doesn’t even make a passing mention to the events of the New York slasher flick and if it does, I may have dozed off during that portion of the movie. They also do that really annoying found footage thing where the “real” footage has spooky music added to it, I just feel like that’s a way the filmmakers let the audience know they do not trust their own material.

Knock Knock (2007) (USA)

aka Saw Massacre 

⭐️1/2

Horrible teenagers come to violent ends and a retired cop lends a helping hand (well, steps on the toes of the actual detective because he’s an ass of the old school variety) to an inexperienced local detective to put an end to the rising body count. The dead teens got all of this awfulness put on them when a prank their parents played ended up disfiguring the son of a local undertaker however many years ago. Now the annoying youngsters are being butchered and displayed for their families to find as some kind of demented prank. Payback is a bitch, even if it’s misplaced. The ex-cop is in town because he’s looking to build a relationship with his estranged granddaughter who is also on the chopping block to answer for the shitty behavior of her father. Annoying editing, characters, dialogue and plotting are drowned in gore as the large psychopath gets his revenge with whatever instrument of destruction he has handy. Thick New York accents meld perfectly with the repetitive butt-rock or lazy instrumentals to create a world that I sure as shit want no part of. Much like me, most of the cast looks and acts like they had to partake in copious amounts of booze to get through this movie. There’s some bewbs and low-grade graphic splat but as I’ve long since passed over my early teens, that ain’t gonna make for an entertaining time anymore. I’ll give it points for casting an actual grandpa as a grandpa (this one looks like Bill Hinzman if Bill Hinzman was getting progressively angrier and enjoyed kicking puppies… so, hailing from New York and not Pennsylvania) and at least they put a mask on their killer that looks like it was haphazardly thrown together as opposed to quickly picked up from the discount rack at a Halloween shop but there is a whole bunch to hate about this one. There’s also a mentally challenged and overweight janitor, so you can mark that on the old lazy slasher bingo card.

Black Zoo (1963) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Michael Gough runs Conrad’s Animal Kingdom in Hollywood with love and respect for his furry children. Sadly he only has disdain for the human race. His teen mute janitor is treated like an unloved dog and his wife is given more humane treatment but still has to put up with his obvious sociopathic tendencies. Verbal and physical abuse is rough enough but anyone who threatens his little world gets a fatal introduction to his beloved animals. Gough plays the organ for his big cats and sends them out to kill. The old man in a monkey suit also gets his hands dirty. Eventually the police get suspicious of a human hand behind the animal slayings. Gough brings his usual cold insanity to the role of Conrad but even with a tiger funeral, bizarro animal cult soul transference rituals and Elisha Cook being fed to a lion it still feels like not a lot happens.

Sweet Home (1989) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Secluded in the woods, infamous artist Ichirou Mamiya’s mansion stands long-abandoned following his death. A television documentary crew manage to gain access to the creepy house and begin snooping around. Not only do they unearth Mamiya’s lost fresco, they uncover a horrific tragedy-born curse and there is going to be a hefty price to pay for their discovery. Foolishly knocking over a protective monument releases the ghost of Lady Mamiya. Driven insane by the accidental incineration of her only child, the specter sets her greedy sights on the widowed producer’s daughter. Possession, death, a terrifically executed angry spirit and a crispy toddler all have their part to play in Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s melancholic haunted house chiller. Never pushing the boundaries (outside of its climax) usually left far behind in late eighties horror, Sweet Home still sits comfortably as a refreshingly mature take on your standard haunted house fare. Including some wonderful special effects and a fleshed out back story, Sweet Home could easily be taken as modern horror classic.

To All a Goodnight (1980) (USA

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A small group of sorority girls plan for a weekend of fun and sex when they’re left in the care of the elderly and kind house mother but a killer in a Saint Nick costume (except for the one occasion where he disguises himself in Knight’s armor) has a naughty list and every one of the girls is on it. The killer makes short work of the girls, their boyfriends and a few other ill-fated folks around the large sorority house. The usual supply of paper-thin characters and idiotic actions takes nothing away from this early eighties Yuletide slasher flick. The young girls are cute and likable, the killer’s mask is creepy and simple, there’s blood and a variety of weapons, Harry Reems shows up as a mentally challenged caretaker and the over dramatic detective wears a suit-coat that belongs in a bowling alley. David Hess, of Last House on the Left fame, directed.