⭐️⭐️1/2
Stuart Gordon tackles Lovecraft again to lesser success in this second episode from the Masters of Horror series. A graduate student rents a room in an old boarding house which was once home to a 17th century witch. Well, that evil left an imprint and there’s still something malevolent working within the walls on a different plane. A persistent rat pesters his neighbor and her baby and the young man, Walter, plugs up the hole in which it gains entrance. His heroics help nothing as he suffers from nightmares and his elderly neighbor, who prays through the night, warns him about a witch and her familiar… a rat with a human face. Walter soon comes to believe the witch is working some sinister magic and he’s being positioned to take the life of his neighbor’s child. It’s alright but there’s only so much one can do with limited funds and time, especially when it comes to adapting Lovecraft. The familiar is a bit too silly to be uncanny, the witch a bit too lackluster to be frightening and the hero a bit too white bread to give a damn about. Female nudity in a Lovecraft adaptation makes me laugh because I can just picture that wacky woman-fearing racist scream to high-hell at the site of breasts and an impressive bare ass. The silly climax saves things from forgettability and who am I to complain about a fantastic caboose getting some screen time? Also, Jay Brazeau plays the landlord. It’s not his caboose.
⭐️⭐️1/2
First episode from the Masters of Horror series which saw a bunch of famous genre filmmakers tackle various works from famous genre writers to middling success. Here, Don Coscarelli of Phantasm fame works on a short story from Joe R. Lansdale and it comes off just as average as the inspiration. Listen, thanks to The Nightrunners, Lansdale will always be a national treasure but after creating something as quintessential as Nightrunners (and, in effect, the God of the Razor mythology), it’s a little difficult to hold anything else in comparison. Incident could probably be considered an excellent outing if it came from any other author. All I’m saying is, this is probably my fault in how I feel about this one. A woman is on the run from a recent awfulness (cue Ethan Embry as her abusive survivalist husband flashbacks) and ends up hitting a haphazardly parked car on a lonely stretch of mountain road. She attempts to find some help after waking from unconsciousness but comes across a giant backwoods maniac by the name of Moonface. The rest is cat-and-mouse shenanigans with a cameo from Angus Scrimm. Thanks to the things she’s learned in her past, Ellen is a bit tougher prey than ol’ ugly Moonface is used to but he’s still efficient at getting a kill. Bree Turner is at least good at her job and cute enough to keep rooting for (especially when she briefly gets to beat the shit out of a much larger human) but it’s still something we’ve already seen thousands of times and an odd choice as an introduction to a series.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Mayhem strikes Massachusetts when an escaped mental patient replaces his missing hand with a BBQ fork and goes on a budget-conscious rampage against the local elderly teenage population. Tommy’s car (Green Monster) is impressively decorated with baseball cards, more impressively a Massachusetts seven seems all about him. The local mental institution is populated with local theater nut jobs and a staff comprised of uncles and librarians. It’s also where the handless lunatic Mason Crane makes an easy escape by the fatal usage of a door and a clipboard. Did you know if one were to throw a clipboard hard enough it could penetrate the human skull? I did… but that’s only because I’ve seen this before. Uncles make for terrible security and their soft skulls are easily penetrated. Tommy takes his date out to a shit-shack in the woods and playfully chases her around while the escaped lunatic gets his hands (hand) on that previously mentioned utensil and murders a dog. What a dick. Tommy’s date is concerned about the wandering lunatic but her baseball-loving beau tells her there’s nothing to be concerned about. He’s the captain of the baseball team and knows some kind of karate. He’s wrong… there is definitely cause for concern. A game of graveyard hide and seek ends in fork death, a shit-shack neighbor mumbles his lines and runs off to die, a makeout session goes on forever (think of those chapped lips!) and we discover forty minutes is just a bit too long to spend on the exploits of Massachusetts teenagers and maniacs. Don’t get me wrong, it has its charms and the enthusiasm is there but it also feels like it took itself just a little too seriously for its own good. I hope the Green Monster went to the loveliest of automobile heavens when it died.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
At long last, the refrigerator shall have its day! That’s just too bad for a duo of obnoxious drunks who have had a get together in their Massachusetts apartment that ended in appliance abuse. The party seems like a gathering of uncles handpicked from every 1980s family photo album for being the uncliest of uncles. Of course, their women are along for the ride. Them uncles and the ladies they come home from the bar with are having a fine time shouting and flirting. These uncles have no respect for the machine keeping their beer cold and abuse the hell out of it at the slightest provocation. The lung cancer air quality and liver failure on the horizon proves to be of no concern for these hard-partying Busch addicts as the pissed off appliance claims their lives and limbs. The smoking fridge takes no prisoners, consuming these dopes and their ladies. The biggest tragedy is how many child support payments are voided by their deaths. A cat gets eaten (seen being pushed by hands that can’t quite stay off screen), a pasty ass is witnessed (the rare uncle butt variety), the fridge shoots fire (your effects budget at work) and fifteen minutes fly by because you’re watching someone’s home movie corrupted by another dimension overruled by kitchen appliances that have had enough. It’s exactly what it should be.
aka Heavy Metal/Shocking Heavy Metal
⭐️⭐️⭐️
The band Solid Gold (portrayed by the Swedish band Easy Action who started out as the duo Noice and eventually had a member leave to join the band Europe) head out to the mountains with a small film crew and some groupies to shoot a scene for their music video. Unfortunately their director likes the ambience an abandoned factory offers and starts shooting around it. The factory isn’t as abandoned as everyone believes. A few decades ago, a woman murdered her abusive drunk of a husband and fled with her kids into the mountains. Now, the deformed clan defend their home turf with murderous glee. An avalanche causes further complications, trapping the idiots in the area with very little communication thanks to the mountains. The bodies start dropping and a local helicopter pilot attempts to save the day. Snowbound slasher/backwoods hybrid doesn’t reinvent the wheel or anything but there are some memorable kills, some wretched acting and the cold setting provides a refreshing atmosphere.
aka Lair of the Beast
⭐️⭐️
Found footage finds some wieners hunting Mexico’s favorite goat-sucking creature, hoping to catch proof of the damn thing on camera. You know the subgenre, you know not to bet on any of these schmucks making it out alive. The quartet of Californians use a legendary journal (supposedly made out of actual chupacabra skin) to head out to the wild where an increase in cattle mutilations and other warning signs have them thinking they have a chance. The area is home to some kind of dark force which may or may not be the chupacabra which may or may not be into sodomy. Yes. It’s mentioned in passing. They’re warned off by a park ranger, claiming the area is closed due to some disturbing occurrences and dangerous conditions. They ignore it and proceed as planned. They come across a trio of younger folks looking for a missing friend, the ranger is also wandering around and some dude readily prepared for what’s going on shows up too. Chupacabra digestive juices can turn you into its vessel or something and the camera catches a few deaths with the creature conveniently just offscreen. There’s some fresh ideas and this could have been a blast if it allowed itself to let loose but it’s sunk by annoying and boring characters and a lack of excitement. It’s in more capable hands than most of the quick-release found footage garbage that leaks out of the genre’s ass but it’s still a missed opportunity… especially because we don’t get the chupacabra butt fucking anybody. I said what I said.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Pablo’s frustrations with finding the perfect woman leads him to rent out an entire bungalow-style hotel with a private beach included. Rest and relaxation does a man good but Pablo has some other kinks which are downright perverted. See, Pablo is a bit of a sadist and this is bad news for the women he’s keeping captive. His dream woman is of the defenseless variety and the man is just looking for an authentic submissive slave. Yeah. Pablo is a dick. We’re introduced to him looking out on the water, thinking about his perfect woman and reminiscing about a few years back when he was at the beach and able to live out his fantasies. If you’ve wondered why he is alone, we see how he attempts to pick up women. A lovely lady minding her own business is asked by Pablo is she wants to go out with him. Before she can answer, Pablo shows her a Polaroid of his dick. He’s that kind of winner. Shockingly, she rebuffs him. He decides to be less aggressive in his methods. For some reason, he reads that as kidnapping a woman at gunpoint and holding her captive. Pablo is pretty much every man who has to call himself an “alpha”. Sexual assault and rape aren’t far behind. His captive attempts to escape as Pablo rubs one out and Pablo accidentally beats her to death. Since he is the way he is, he has sex with her corpse multiple times. Luckily, he just talks about it and we don’t have to see it. He grabs himself another lovely lady and the cycle continues, even if the cops are beginning to poke around. Guilt also allows for nightmare visitations from the rotting corpses of his victims. But perverts gonna perv, and Pablo keeps on going. Things shift when he meets a woman who is more than willing to play his game and may be a bigger pervert than him. It shines a light on the fact that when confronted with what he wants, Pablo has no idea how to handle it. Thong bikinis, leashes, bare butts, beach masturbation, blowjobs, prayer, candles up the pooper and a growing body count fill out the downward spiral of deviance. Dialogue that defies reason “Her perfect body made my heart pump sperm instead of blood.” and humor that’s so dark you probably shouldn’t legally call it funny make for an interesting (for all the wrong reasons) experience. It all feels like some pervert got his hands on some cash and a camera and decided to bring his fantasies to life… he just wasn’t talented enough to make this more than a curio to the weirdest of trash film fans. Luckily, we found each other. Regardless, it goes on for way too long and could have used a heavy editing hand.
