aka Slash
⭐️⭐️
Sorority initiation forces seven girls (and one sorority sister) to stay overnight in a creepy old house which was at one time a brothel. Spooky scares have been set up to freak out the pledges by the frat house boyfriends of the sorority sisters but things go from fun to terrifying when some spectral whores begin to show themselves. Steamy glimpses of the past get some folks horny but the appearance of a lunatic not happy with the trespassers proves to be fatal for some of the gals. Roberta Findlay is responsible for this bad boy so if the plot sounds like there’s enough going down to keep ya thrilled… manage those expectations. That’s not say she never unleashed anything entertaining, quite the opposite, but there’s a knack she has for focusing on tedium when it really shouldn’t be present. We open up things in the past while the brothel is still in operation and the son of one of the ladies of the night is called a pervert by a classmate. He runs to the brothel and takes a shotgun to his mother and her customer. Thirteen years pass and we meet the lovely ladies pledging Kappa Gamma and spend a little time with ‘em as they party. Horny, excited, bored and annoyed; the girls run the gamut of emotions. An extended sex scene drags on for a bit (Findlay strikes again) as the sorority head discusses the plans of setting up scares with her boyfriend. She’s worried about someone getting hurt but whatever-his-name-is assures her all will be fine. The dopes set up the jump scares the next day and at least one of them is convinced the place is actually haunted but the initiation goes on. There’s a scavenger hunt the girls have to take part in and the sorority sister shares the history of the building with them before sending them off to wander around the supposedly haunted dark halls. Two girls find a diary and it shines a light on the awfulness which shut the place down. There’s more boring glimpses into the past and plenty of scenes featuring women walking around in the dark, getting spooked by local church quality haunted house goofs. I was shocked to find that only twenty minutes had passed as I was expecting to be a little more than halfway through. Not a good sign, Roberta. It’s not any better when ya make it to the 45 minute mark as not much has happened unless you’re really into boring sex and minimal spectral shenanigans. About an hour in, someone with a hunting knife finally starts stalking the girls but there will be another lull for “sexy” supernatural flashbacks before anybody dies. I could not tell ya the name of any character in this movie and that’s never a good sign when it’s populated with cuties in mortal danger. No sympathy means no stakes and without those there ain’t too many thrills. The cross-dressing killer could have used more time to shine even if his killing techniques ain’t all that exciting but at least he’s bringing some pulse to things (especially in the truly disturbing murder of the sorority sister). It’s not a complete waste but it comes close. The video box art is the best thing about this one.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Jim Milton is a renowned paranormal investigator and has a history of capturing intriguing raw footage with his small crew (a cameraman). We have to believe this because the narrator tells us so in a silly sinister voice. He also lets us know that Jim Milton is making waves in his field. He’s looking into the mysterious death of a young woman who was found deceased next to an old record player. That Midwest mountain of a man, Jim Milton, gets to work attempting to help the deceased woman’s sister who has been experiencing the usual spooky sounds one finds in a house that may be haunted. Most concerning is the sound of the record player playing by itself, a record player that was removed from the property weeks ago. They actually find the damn thing during their investigation and the homeowner swears that it shouldn’t be there. A psychic shows up who has been tracking the paranormal activity and offers to show them what happened. This leads to a wonderful bit of analog terror as the psychic imprint makes it on camera. A standout scene that drops unexpectedly early on. The spooked sister decides to stay away from the house but gives Big Jim the keys to carry on with his investigation. More creepy imprints happen and concern grows as things get intense and several threads are pulled dragging the small team into sinister directions. A very interesting film that takes what could have been a boilerplate found footage paranormal flick and tweaks it into way more rewarding waters while being mindful to the minimal budget. Just think of some blue collar folks doing their damndest to tackle Ringu in spirit while doing their own thing in the cheapest subgenre of filmmaking... so it’s really giving the vibe of an American Kôji Shiraishi flick. If that sounded snotty, I didn’t meant it to… it’s this kind of enthusiasm I fucking love. Also, Jim Milton is my kind of lead, looking like a construction foreman who would take the crew out for beers after a successful day on the site.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
In the summer of 2023 something awful happened in the town of Larkin, TX. A survivor of the terrible events in the small Texas town has pieced together a documentary collecting footage and audio evidence that paints a picture of unprecedented horror. Lynn Page is called home by her brother’s pleading after he comes across a disturbing piece of tape. Lucas has gained some internet fame as a thanks to his posts of creepy home videos he came across on the property of his dead parents. Something his sister isn’t all that happy about but the mystery behind this is far too intriguing to just ignore and Lucas grows obsessed. Lynn’s concerns grow because she’s seen this type of behavior in her brother before and his new celebrity may be causing an increase in harmful actions. That celebrity also brings Lynn unwanted attention from the dopes who follow her brother’s page after he stops posting following some strange occurrences. Lucas has drawn connections to a reverend who has a public access program titled The Salvation Hour and begins posting again, convinced he has found a villain… or maybe just grasping at straws for his followers. Things go wrong for his channel, Lynn comes home and then things go in an unexpected direction. I’ll stop there because you should be as blind as I was stumbling into this bad boy. It’s a clever film and crafted together professionally with an intriguing build. It falters slightly in its revelation but takes itself serious enough to not feel like it wasted your time. Slightly silly but ridiculous enough to be satisfying.
⭐️1/2
Chaz Bono gets the “AND” credit. Finally, a film brave enough to treat Chaz Bono as the shining beacon of hope that he is. Besides serving as a vehicle for The Chazster, the plot of the film concerns a secluded campground and the history of vanished folks centered around it. Thanks to the pre-credits, we know some bald dude with a medieval ax dishes out violent death to anybody who “rings the bell”. Next up we join a small group of filmmakers arriving at the mobile home of the main chode’s little brother. There’s some family stuff there but who cares. The blonde girlfriend of the older brother is the director and they’re making a documentary on urban legends. Big bro is the cameraman, some vain chick is the host and there’s another guy there who introduces himself with a “Deez nuts” joke so I could not care less what the hell he does. A young woman is looking for her brother (we saw his head get chopped off before the credits rolled) and heading towards his last know location. The filmmakers run into her at your standard creepy-ass gas station with unfriendly locals (Bonnie Aarons showing up) and learn of her missing brother. The younger brother Liam goes all googly-eyed for her. They also run into some rangers (I see you, Bono!) who are concerned about their destination. The usual warnings about a murderous ghost follows but it’s all ignored because that’s just how things go. “HE EATS SOULS AND SHITS BLOOD!” doesn’t exactly scare one the way you would hope. Virgin sacrifices and Hellish gateways being forced open sound less likely. Liam doesn’t like the area and the folks he’s being forced to be around aren’t all that great. Director Dipshit rings the bell (as the crew cheer her on) and the bald executioner awakens. He’s played by Randy Couture so at least he’s intimidating although he does resemble a boxer from the 1920s so maybe like a super tough resident of Portland kind of intimidating. Possession happens, motivations are revealed and people die. If bloody ears, orange contacts and white face paint are your thing, this may offer some joy but as it is, this kind of comes off like an abandoned Supernatural script that was rightfully discarded for not offering much entertainment value. The two leads are kind of likable and I did have some fun watching Couture bring the beatdown to some demons (he also gets to give a big ‘ol history lesson with cheap effects flashback), so it ain’t a complete waste. Also, Chaz Bono was there blowing the head off of a demon with a shotgun and I can’t say that about too many low-effort horror films.
aka The Spider
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A search for a missing father leads to an encounter with a colossal arachnid for the man’s teen daughter and her boyfriend. After discovering her father’s wrecked pickup, they take a gander in an abandoned cave, stumble across some skeletons and fall into some kind of giant net. Finally, they lay eyes on said monster spider. The dorks manage to escape the caterwauling spider and bring a bit of the web to their science teacher after the local sheriff dismisses their story. The teacher gets the sheriff to organize a search party for the missing papa and warns the sheriff to bring a shit-ton of DDT just in case the teens aren’t lying, this proves fortuitous when the party meets the colossal creepy crawler. They spray the hell out of it and assume they have successfully dispatched the beast. The high school professor has his egghead-sense tingling and fearing there may be more giant creatures running about, he moves the creature to the school’s gymnasium for further study. Of course, the thing ain’t as dead as everyone assumed and some elderly-looking teens using the gymnasium to rehearse their sweet rock & roll sounds wake the damn thing up. Now the small mountain town is under attack from one pissed-off big ol’ bug. The spider doesn’t spend that much time touring the town and because people are idiots, the teenage couple end up trapped in the cave with the colossal creature when the big brains in charge dynamite the cave shut to starve the thing. So it’s a climactic race against the clock to dig the derps out before either the spider or the “bad air” gets ‘em. Pretty fun time from Bert I Gordon and American International brings the cheapjack special effects (superimposing a tarantula over footage of the quaint township and a giant spider-leg puppet used to attack various minor role players) and plenty of charm.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The death of Dorothy Bell has left a fair share of trauma in its wake. Especially when it comes to her granddaughter and a general lack of answers. Not so much into the “how” but into the why things went down the way they did. Further intrigue comes from the whole urban legend that gestated around the woman’s passing in the local library where she worked. Years have passed and the claims of the dead woman haunting the building where she came to an end brings Ozzie there to see if she can contact the departed and figure out what the hell happened. But, as we all know, when you tinker around behind the veil, things take notice. Now, Ozzie may have garnered the attention of whatever malicious force claimed the life of her grandma. Luckily for us, it’s all caught on camera. An opening stretch of tension is built around analog footage shot by a very young Ozzie concerning a very horrific incident and is one hell of an introduction to the film proper. We learn through Ozzie’s video journals that Dorothy seemingly lost her mind over night, suddenly hearing voices and acting dangerously erratic. Following the advice of these voices, grandma began to do some bad things. After coming across a paranormal blog claiming Dorothy is still wandering and whispering back to anyone brave enough to call her name, our protagonist feels this is a way to connect with her past and figure out what memories are factual or defenses thrown up by her brain. The library staff is elusive with any info but a maintenance man who knew her mother lets her sneak in after close to record around the lovely building. Reviewing the footage of her first night there, she manages to see some interesting crap… enough interesting crap to guarantee she’ll be making more visits after hours and bringing along a Ouija board. A cursed book comes into play, lives are put at risk and the answers Ozzie seeks may cost a lot more than anyone should be willing to pay. Asya Meadows is excellent in the lead as a convincingly damaged woman looking for answers and falling down a rabbit hole of the unthinkable. The film loses itself when it stops playing coy with its scares but it’s easy to forgive on that front because it really is offering alot more than one usually finds in found footage relegated to the Tubi library. Solidly paced and intriguingly stitched together, it also does the unexpected by managing to get under the skin and supplying some solid heebie jeebies… a claim I don’t throw around all willy-nilly.
⭐️
Em and Ruby are two young strangers who decide to rent a property together somewhere in an Australian suburb. The neighboring waters host a murky secret and it doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re in because you just can’t have nice things. A young woman does the Macarena to a song that sounds like mass-produced pop recorded in a fog while something dead emerges from the water and walks towards the unsuspecting young woman with no dance skills. Sirens and a concerned and peeping neighbor indicate that something went wrong. Fifteen years pass and we get a montage of people looking at the waterfront property. Bang up job, movie. The two ladies mentioned earlier nab the property and move on in. This, of course, necessitates another low-effort montage. The women have some issues as they get to know each other because only an idiot would decide that cohabitation with an unknown person is a good idea. Social awkwardness will have to be put to the side though because it seems the supernatural is about to claim residency at the rental as well. That concerned/snooping neighbor continues to snoop and be concerned while also having creepy flashbacks that look better-suited to a particularly forgettable episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? The standard haunted house hijinks ensue and Em seems to be a focal point of the paranormal activity. That means she’s getting the auditory and visual horrors while Ruby just stands around getting further frustrated and offering horrible advice. Ruby rightfully believes Em is having a breakdown and offers up such helpful mental health tips as “Go for a walk.” and “Get some sleep.” Em suddenly keeps a vlog so she can fill us in on everything we’ve already seen and unconvincingly lose her mind. Eventually the neighbor breaks the peeper code and talks to Em about the house she’s renting and the history that’s far more interesting than anything we’re shown. Our leads have almost no chemistry and the dramatic chops of a water-logged loaf of bread. The script doesn’t do them any favors asking for melodrama while brewing a soup of predictability and pacing issues. A pretty bad time in Australia. Thank God it’s short and there’s some delightfully awful ghost effects on display.
