An Amityville Poltergeist (2020) (USA)

⭐️1/2

*Looks at title* *Squints* *Grumbles and makes a noise that sounds like Vin Diesel in the middle of an incredibly problematic dump* A young man with a pube-stache house sits for a kooky old woman and you just know that house be haunted. The young man (Jim to his friends and loved ones) needs some funds and at one-hundred-bucks a night, the offer is just too good to pass up. The elderly woman warns him that the house has a mind of its own in between terribly acted arguments with her son. Anyways, her son thinks she’s losing her mind and is taking her away from the place for the weekend. He just needs someone to watch the house and Jim takes the job. Eunice leaves him with the warning that she’s not senile and there is something evil in the house. We also meet her grand-nephew who is definitely a shit-stain. But he’s off to Vegas, so he doesn’t matter. Jim’s friend speaks like how I imagine 60-year-old white men think high schoolers talk and it’s endlessly annoying… at least his girlfriend is cute. After a phone call with his father filled with guilt, we start seeing a spooky J-Horror ghost in the background. She also pops up in TV static because she’s lazy in her haunting style. Jim sees her that night, walking up the stairs and lookin’ like me coming home from a night out at Irish Times with a recently paid Ray Luksa. We flashback to the same thing happening to Eunice… great. Jim is obviously shook when daylight finally comes around but he musters up the courage and leaves the bedroom he’s been cooped up in since the encounter. Sharing the mentality of the people watching at home, he says “whatever” and goes on with his day. He also invites his friend (ugh) and his friend’s girlfriend (niiiiiiice) to come over and have some crispy boys. Hope you like tedious chatter. The dink passes out (jealous) and Jim smokes some of the Devil’s lettuce with his friend’s girl and has to turn her down when she tries to get a little frisky with him. They leave Jim on his lonesome and the ghostly activity starts up again but this time it’s worse. Jim goes to relax in a mall and runs into his friend’s hawt girlfriend. They go back to the house and drink some red wine in their underwear… huh? I think we skipped the good part. Bad dreams, bad digital effects, a silly possession, nobody even attempting to connect whatever available thread however loosely to the Amityville series, a strong focus on drama which the cast is incapable of handling, an award-worthy performance by an old lady who may be completely alien to human emotions, an eternity until anyone is placed in mortal danger and a runtime that should have been cut by like twenty minutes. Is it good? No. But is it worth your time? Also, no. Is it better than I expected? Maybe? I don’t know. I have very low expectations for these continuing adventures into the expanded Amityverse. At least there’s an attractive woman and a hero with a mustache that looks like a crotch a week after being shaved… I also kinda dig that ghost.

Evil Dead 2 (1987) (USA)

aka Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

If you were ever curious what it would like if the Three Stooges, H.G. Lewis and a particularly enthusiastic Lucio Fulci got together to collaborate on your standard “cabin in the woods” horror film, well, look no further. Raimi and crew may have unleashed an excellent original but their return to The Book of the Dead and those damn Deadites amped up the slapstick ethos to the splatter ambience and made a perfect bit of insane horror. Following an awesome opening involving an exposition dump (sometimes, they can really work) about said evil book and its powers, Ash and his girlfriend head to an empty cabin in the woods for a little couple time. The fact that this is somebody else’s cabin and they have no right to be there makes it easier to swallow when Ash comes across a tape recorder just laying around containing some backstory the cabin’s owner (a professor of ancient history, naturally) narrates about the discovery of an ancient book. He and his wife brought this tome back to the cabin for study and, in an excellently realized bit of genuine terror, goes into detail about what went wrong. Of course, after already summoning the POV terror so it’s a bit too late for any warning the professor lays out in his desperate recording. By the point where Ash finally hears what went down, he’s already been attacked by his possessed girlfriend Linda, decapitated her with a shovel and buried her in the earth. As we all know, that’s gonna do jack and shit. Ash manages to survive a possession of his own thanks to the healing rays of the sun but his problems are truly just beginning. The bridge is out, the sun is setting and Ash is in for one hell of night which will consist of his dead gal rising from the ground and dancing with her severed head, his hand getting possessed and having to cut it off with a chainsaw, his severed hand raising some serious hell, insanity knocking on the poor man’s door and the arrival of the professor’s daughter Annie (Sarah Berry looking like an impressively hair’d Julie Bowen) along with some others who stumble upon a scene that truly looks like an insane man just slaughtered the elderly inhabitants of the cabin. So it makes sense that they throw him down in the fruit cellar where Ash meets the professor’s wife who has seen better days (and played by Ted Raimi) while the daughter and company listen to her father’s recordings and come to realize just how far south things went. There won’t be many left standing by the time things get taken care of and Ash gets thrown into a new adventure. So much happens so damn fast in this movie that you don’t really have much time to stop and catch your breath. It’s bearable thanks to an ingenious combination of finding comedy in the ridiculousness of the situation and some truly macabre horror… and never forget the magnificent physicality of Bruce Campbell’s insane performance. One of the greatest genre films ever made.

Wolfika (2006) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

A man survives an encounter with something that savagely tears apart his family and leaves him bitten and bloody. As is customary, the man begins to change into the legendary loup-garou and caries on the tradition of ripping apart people. Two brothers with clashing personalities (one is a tightly woven and timid English major and the other is outgoing and looks to be really into Smash Mouth) and issues over their father, are driving through the area where the “animal” attacks have taken place and sure enough their car breaks down. Deciding to hoof it to a gas station about two miles out, they cross paths with the vicious loup-garou. Low-budget monster flick from Mississippi is enough fun to justify a watch but doesn’t really have enough going for it to allow for repeat viewings. There was also an issue with my copy (not sure if it’s prevalent on every disc) where the audio is about a minute ahead of the visuals. It made for some goofy-ass viewing so I’m not complaining. On the negative side; there is plenty of rambling, stilted acting (but... come on) and even at under 80 minutes the film feels like it’s dragging. On the positive side; it does not shy away from the red stuff and the barely-seen monster suit is hilarious and rubbery.

Almost Invisible (2010) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I can’t say for sure if 2010 was around the actual time this flick was filmed but I get a vibe it was brought to life nearly a decade earlier. It could just be that time is a little wonky in Virginia, I’ve only been to West Virginia and that was to see some Mothman cheeks… so I’m no expert. With her parents out of town, goth loner April invites some community college dopes to her house to party but she watches from the sidelines as the annoying dinks act like asses. Only focusing on one boy in the group who maybe likes her or maybe doesn’t… any elements of a plan can only be guessed at because I don’t even think this movie knew what the hell it was doing. When the house begins to trap most of the crew inside and then maybe begins to kill off the collective of future drains on society, we’re all left shrugging. If the credits didn’t clue you in on what kind of budget, or lack thereof, was going to be on display (the credits are reverse film of a girl writing the names of the cast and title on index cards), the lack of urgency will surely shine a light on just how inept this will be. A local stripper provides buck-naked nudity in the opening, the bewbs are part of a film one student is showing in his psych class. Credit where credit is due, it definitely looks like something a student would make. Dialogue happens, sometimes audible, sometimes not, never important. This group may have been around when someone died, that may have something to do with April’s invite… or maybe that was the future? Maybe April is a ghost? Maybe everyone is already dead and there’s bikinis in the afterlife? I don’t know. I don’t care. The team behind this didn’t care, so why should I? I don’t know. Frantic editing, “interesting” editing choices and the loosest definition of cinematography one can use combine into a mash of disinterest, disappointment and dysfunction. April goes on the roof, everyone else goes in the pool and the film kind of just goes wherever the hell it wants to. Unfortunately none of those places are all that entertaining… just not by the standards one who calls themselves of fan of cinema follows. After an opening stretch that may have been directed and shot by a horny child with no discernible talent or friends, it turns into a horror film that may have been done by someone who read the definition of “horror” and then accidentally fell headfirst on a running power drill which penetrated deep into their skull. Also, the kid was still super horny but growing more confused by the minute. There’s a ceiling-crawling shadow entity, a complete soundtrack of shitty music that sounds like slightly off versions of more famous shitty music, a door to oblivion, the worst car accident in film history, a collection of people whose names I wouldn’t be able to recall at gunpoint, a plot that feels incredibly busy yet completely void of any substance and special effects provided by the new students of Ms. Vekner’s Filmmaking 101 course. I think someone saw The Craft and confused it for a teen sex comedy and then decided to remake Carrie but confused it with The Amityville Horror and finally just mashed together a stream-of-consciousness script based off of all of their film confusion and some of the most boring dreams anyone could ever have. I hate it but I love it and hate myself for not being able to look away. I can’t recommend this, nobody should recommend this but I really want to recommend this and see if I’m right or just insane. Don’t see this but definitely watch it as soon as you can. Virginia, what the hell is wrong with you?

Night of Terror (1933) (USA)

aka He Lived to Kill/Terror in the Night 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I really hope any inheritance I ever receive has the stipulation attached that I have to spend the night in some haunted piece of property. I doubt it will be the case, as any relative that could have possibly had a secret mansion located out in the mountains of Transylvania (or even Pennsylvania) has long since shuffled this mortal coil… but I can dream. The heirs in this case have to attend a séance in an old family mansion so they can get to the bottom of everything going on. And since Bela Lugosi is hanging around the Rinehart Estate, acting all sinister, there’s a good chance bad things are gonna go down. A disfigured maniac is murdering people after the sun goes down and he breaks into the Rinehart Estate as one Dr. Hornsby works in his lab. We learn through a conversation with the elderly Richard Rinehart that this man of science plans on being buried alive for… SCIENCE!!!! Bela Lugosi tries to warn any Rinehart that will listen to him about the dangers of “MURDER!” but everyone just brushes it off. Too bad because Richard ends up being one more of the maniac’s victims. His death brings Richard’s estranged brother and sister-in-law to the house and there’s a premonition of more death from his loyal servants. Which is nice, because the funds left to those who end up dead gets transferred to the folks still standing. The gorgeous Sally Blane is Hornsby’s fiancée and Richard’s daughter, Mary. The only family member that Richard cared for. Not one to let grief get in the way of SCIENCE!!!, professor Hornsby allows himself to be buried alive to carry on with whatever bullshit he’s working on. The directions are to dig him up in eight hours and promptly inject him with a restorative agent. More bodies drop and the séance finally goes down. The always welcome Wallace Ford is a reporter with the hots for Sally Blane (don’t blame him) and a motor mouth because it’s Wallace Ford and he’s one of the few “funny men” from this time I actually enjoy (Yes. You can thank me and my Mom watching The Mummy’s Hand on a loop in my youth for that). It’s undoubtedly charming and it may drag somewhat but it’s more fun than anything. It also has a threat from the maniac at the end to warn us not to spoil the ending… who doesn’t love that?

Squatch (2026) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

A scoutmaster shares the area legends of the giant hairy men said to roam the lands with his spooked charges. That night something big attacks their tent and the scoutmaster is dragged off. The gang of kiddos make it to a nearby cabin where one of the adults there heads off into the dark with a loaded shotgun at the insistence of the other guy sharing the cabin with him. He and his dog don’t make it. We then jump to present day Detroit where our blandly handsome hero Nick Peters wakes up to find his mom moping over medical bills. Solemn music lets us know that these are the kind of bills that ruin living conditions… so just your standard American medical bills. Those guys are the real fucking monsters. *Hold for applause* *Allow for standing ovation* Nick picks up a cutie before work and then gets word from his boss that a lawyer is looking for him. Turns out his estranged father has passed away and he’s been left some land and a cabin up north. Because he doesn’t really want anything to do with the man or his legacy, Nick initially refuses his inheritance but following the encouragement from his mama and the cutie named Cassie he is crushing on, he decides to give it a look. Helps that Cassie offers to take the trip with him. That’s like a perfect scenario for consensual smooching. Cassie knows the legends of the area and references the boyscout encounter we saw in the opening. She’s hyped as hell to go Squatch hunting… what a lady! The lawyer manages to run over a baby bigfoot (I think) as he attempts to find the cabin in the dark and big bastard ain’t at all happy about it, although judging by the movie’s opening, Bigfoot is pissed off anyways. Upbeat butt-pop plays as the youths drive through fall foliage that doesn’t match the interior driving scenes but I’m not a stickler for such things. Cassie takes time out to take some snaps which drags out to a long scene of camera snapping noises followed by black and white photos and a deer encounter. Cassie manages to coax the wild animal over to lick her hand. She claims she’s always been able to connect with the animal kingdom. I’d dismiss Cassie but the proof is in the Hallmark knockoff moment I just witnessed. They spot a squatch through Cassie’s phone and then discover the lawyer’s abandoned and blood-stained car (he took a boulder to the cranium) on the way up. Thrown rocks get Nick to put an end to his search for the car’s owner and the two dopes drive off. They stay in a hotel room to get their bone on and then instead of going home like they had planned, Nick learns there’s a whole bunch of money on the line with the catch that he has to spend one night in the cabin. Cassie refuses to let him do it alone… what a lady! The local sheriff is a dick and covering shit up. The two finally make it to the cabin after a stretch of spending time in the small town nearby that features real locals… I assume. To the shock of nobody, it turns out the man who died looking for the scoutmaster in the opening was Nick’s father. Nick’s mom shows up because she’s worried and then Bigfoot attacks as dramatic music plays while the North American forest ape acts all aggressive. Things come to a close with gasoline, an emergency cigarette and a hilarious flaming climax. Coming off like a lazy holiday movie you’d find on Freeform that wasn’t exactly good enough for Lifetime and wouldn’t even have been looked at by Hallmark… but this time instead of tree farms and bakeries with financial issues, it’s a cabin in the woods and a man-slaying Sasquatch. That’s a comfort zone I’m ashamed of having. There’s also a rear-projected Bigfoot car chase and it’s one of the greatest/saddest things I’ve seen in a long time. So I guess you could say it’s good but not by any effort on its part. Also, I’m a fan of the Bigfoot looking like some sweaty hybrid of an Appalachian Wildman and Neanderthal.

Psycho Cop Returns (1993) (USA)

aka Psycho Cop 2

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

The vaguely remembered satanic police officer is back and although I don’t know if anyone had asked for a sequel, I have no problem watching Bob Vance… Vance Refrigeration getting his hands dirty with a fresh batch of victims. The serial quipper/killer overhears a few slimy businessmen talking about an afterhours party they’ll be throwing in their office. Said bachelor party will have strippers (Julie Strain works her magic!) booze and drugs… which catches the ear of the (I think) undead cop Joe Vickers. Instead of slapping on cuffs and dragging perpetrators downtown, he’s more of a fan of murdering those he deems guilty of his wrath. Just like a real cop! Which is fine, these dopes are kinda scuzzy, it’s the poor strippers you end up sympathizing with. Also, I mean, it’s Julie Fuckin’ Strain. There’s also a security guard willing to take bribes to look the other way, a hard working blonde who may be an accountant burning the midnight oil and two employees there afterhours to get their bone on in the copy room because if early 90’s business movies taught me anything, the bedroom is the only place horny people don’t have sex. Also, everyone is doing some kind of illegal substance to compliment their drinking problem… but that’s actually accurate. A pencil gets jammed into an eye, an elevator goes all wonky and leads to an office worker doing his best (and failing) to make it look like he’s being tossed around, strippers act like prostitutes (or is it possible they’re prostitutes acting like strippers?), sweaty sex is had (an HVAC team needs to check the vents in that file room), Psycho Cop reads a corpse his rights after shooting him in the forehead, a stripper (prostitute?) gets tossed off the building… right into a dumpster, plenty of faxes of faces are sent, a xerox machine gets put to good use, a drop ceiling harnesses supernatural powers with its ability to conceal two corpses (I used to install them, take my word for it), one dope channels his best Ted Raimi and even an axe to the belly can’t stop our killer. Psycho Cop has a passenger seat and glove compartment full of severed limbs which is exactly what I’d expect a psycho cop to have in his car. Julie Strain strips because she was a very talented woman, the lead douche looks like a Scott Bakula you tried to create as a playable wrestler in an N64 WWF game … Not Bakula if you will, there’s a stag film that appears to just be some dude in an afro wig sitting in a chair while two topless women dance and Psycho Cop has a little joke for every situation… which is exactly what I’d expect from someone slaughtering idiots in a slasher film from this time, especially someone who looks this much like an uncle you loved seeing at family parties. Robert R. Shafer is having a good time as the titular killer, Julie Strain rocks a cowboy hat and chaps (worth two and a half stars alone), the stupidity is more charming than annoying and everyone treats it like they’re in a demented comedy as opposed to a horror film which I’m completely fine with. The inverse Rodney King climax is… a choice.