⭐️⭐️
Locked in battle, a megalodon and a giant octopus are frozen in a giant iceberg... their hatred for each other more important than the oncoming ice age. Off the Alaskan coast, the US Navy is experimenting (off the books, of course) with some low-frequency sonar. Said classified experimentation shatters the icy prison of our flash-frozen apex predators and releases them back into an unprepared world. An oceanographer, Dr. Emma MacNeil (Debbie Gibson) is unfortunate enough to be in the area when everything goes to hell. She not only witnesses the illegal activities of the US government but also the return of the colossal beasties from another era. Another problem is that her underwater trip wasn’t exactly sanctioned and this seems to concern her superiors more than anything else. The cephalopod makes its way to Japan and the shark cruises to California, death and destruction follow. Emma gets shit-canned by her scummy boss and shares her concerns about the new sea beasts with her old mentor... luckily, she just so happened to steal a big-ass tooth she found in a mutilated whale before her termination. Following the destruction of an offshore oil rig near Japan, a Japanese oceanographer gets involved and meets up with our heroes... that’s when they realize they’re getting hit on two fronts. Eventually the US Navy realizes they’re out of their element and a black-clad (and racist) Lorenzo Lamas sarcastically asks the scientists for help. The scientists want to preserve the creatures for study and Uncle Sam wants to blow them to hell. Get ready for lots of talk, a plane-obliterating leaping shark, questionable cgi, more talk and a little love making leading to some problem solving. The octopus is rarely seen (when you lay eyes on it, you’ll realize why), the shark should have been shown less, tooth and tentacle don’t clash until there’s barely any time left (it ain’t worth the wait) and sea-beast-loving Debbie Gibson changes her tune when Lamas introduces a nuclear option and decides the best bet is to throw the two creatures at each other. It should be a lot worse than it is but the cast is likable enough and the goofy cgi is pretty damn fun... although we get a hell of a lot more talk than monster action.
aka The Further/The Astral
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A likable family moves into a new home and it doesn’t take long for everything to go sideways. The usual scratches and knocking leads to voices and manifestations of creepy things. Husband Josh (Patrick Wilson) doesn’t catch much hell but wife Renai (Rose Byrne) grows more convinced by the day that something is in the house. It gets much worse when their eldest son, Dalton, slips into a coma that doctors can’t seem to explain. Eventually enough is enough and the family does the unheard of (in horror films, at least) and moves the fuck out of the place. The smart move fails and they’re still plagued by malevolent forces. Grandma (Barbara fuckin’ Hershey!) shares a little background about Josh’s past and how it all ties into what’s tearing the family apart. This brings in the real star of the film, Elise (Lin fuckin’ Shaye!), a powerful medium who helped Josh in his youth. She and her delightful duo of ghost hunters attempt to rid the family of the malignant presences hanging around. There’s a creepy spirit realm called The Further that must be traversed to rescue the kid, astral projection and a wonky red-faced nightmare creature hanging around the child... but there’s also something else... something that’s been waiting a long time to get it’s hands on Josh. The cast is top notch, the music cues are abrasive to good effect and the spirits are creepy enough. Most importantly, the film gave Lin Shaye’s career a second life and that’s just outstanding.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
A foolish foursome of curious vacationers sneak their way into a Haitian voodoo ceremony and are completely enamored with the idol at the center of whatever ritual is going down. Because they are entitled pricks, they sneak back when the coast is clear and steal the reptilian statue. They are spotted by the high priest and flee as he curses them. Alas, they are men of science so they worry very little about the repercussions of their selfish actions. Yeah. That ends well for them. They share their exploits with their friends and family and one of their guests (a female doctor/voodoo expert) warns them of the death curse that's been placed on them. They laugh it off as silly superstition but quickly learn that they have fucked up and the consequences are of the mortal variety. The witch doctor has followed the defilers home and he has brought along his giant deformed zombie and the horrifying doll people of the film's title. These creepy-ass things are child-sized horrors with the poorly-crafted faces of their victims. They wander around brandishing a large needle which contains a fatal poison. The poor quality masks just add to the disturbing factor and make for some fine additions to whatever nightmare world they came from. Watch in terror as they creep around, stalking their victims, eager to complete their master's vengeance. The bodies pile up and it's up to our female voodoo expert and her disbelieving husband to figure out and put an end to the witch doctor's murderous scheme, but the cocky bastard seems to think he's unstoppable. His hypnotic gaze and un-killable agents of vengeance seem to solidify his belief. Will the doctor and her hubby survive? Will science prove to be stronger than voodoo? Will those horrid little doll bastards haunt my nightmares forever? The answer is a resounding yes! Curse of the Doll People is a blast. It's cheesy as all hell and benefits immensely from how straight-faced it treats the admittedly ridiculous threat. The lovingly horrifying dolls are portrayed by dwarves in goofy masks but instead of being laughable, they creeped the hell out of me. I remember watching this as a kid and being equally unsettled. It's nice to know that after twenty plus years it still works on me. The female lead (portrayed by the lovely Elvira Quintana) is refreshingly strong. Never the damsel in distress, she takes the reigns and attempts to put an end to the evil. This flick just further justifies my love for Mexican horror.
⭐️⭐️
Some shitty YouTube ghost hunters get hired on to quell some rumors of supernatural shenanigans at a Brazilian high school. The spirit in question is supposedly some Bloody-Mary-like legend that a student summoned in the bathroom. A couple kids got sent to the hospital and the rumors began spreading like wildfire. The principal wants the ghostbusters to do whatever bullshit it is they do and say the supernatural threat has been eliminated so everything can get back to normal. The psychic claims she senses something but the leader and tech specialist are pretty sure it’s just more bullshit. The poor cameraman gets dragged along and doesn’t get to have much of an opinion as he serves as the whipping boy for the douchebag “stars”. Unfortunately for them, they manage to prove the existence of the spirit world and they are in way over their heads. What follows is a night of death and possession. Things kickoff with an unexpected head explosion and just get progressively worse from there. Bone writing on chalkboard, umbilical cord strangulation, a turd attack, toilet humor, violent death and a whole bunch of the red stuff fill out the runtime. There’s a few annoying characters that get a whole lot of screen time and most of the humor doesn’t land but when the shit hits the fan, the flick gets kind of fun and drenches itself in blood. The larger issue is the damn thing just goes on waaay too long and you can feel it.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
We all knew that mankind’s littering ways would lead to ridiculously improbable animal attacks when Mother Nature finally declared “ENOUGH!”. Jason Crockett is hellbent on having his 4th of July birthday bash no matter what, even when his staff and relatives begin to come to fatal ends via the local fauna. Gotta respect just how much of a selfish asshole someone can be when they own their own damn island estate. The extended Crockett family are all gathered for the patriarch’s shindig and a wildlife photographer (mustacheless but still super sexy Sam Elliott) gets dragged along after some family boating tomfoolery knocks him off his canoe and gets him soaked. Jason Crockett (a salty as all hell Ray Milland) has no patience for nature and could not give less of a fuck about polluting it to an early grave with an abundance of poisons and pesticides… the amphibians, reptiles, insects, arachnids and birds have finally had enough. This leads to several laughter-inducing deaths (the purposeful toxic gassing of one family member via lizards should at least get an appreciative snicker out of you) that mix unconvincing animal attacks with unabashed stupidity. It’s pretty wonderful. Jason’s daughter Karen (beautiful Joan Van Ark) falls for the photographer (obviously, it’s Sam Elliott) and the new couple (along with some brats who are now orphans) attempt to make it off the island. A very dumb eco-terror outing is saved by a wonderful cast (a drunk Adam Roarke and a gorgeous Judy Pace join the fun), a bevy of dopes gathered together and an unapologetic vibe of denseness soaked into every action and motivation. There’s plenty of footage of various adorable creepy-crawlers side by side with various fake creepy-crawlers and I’m thinking Milland had it in his contract that he was not to be sharing any set with the wild animals… which leads to a completely laughable comeuppance.
⭐️1/2
A year after the disappearance of a young woman, a group of friends gather together at a cabin in the patch of wilderness where she was last seen. Assuming she is no longer among the living, they plan on paying their last respects. Well, what we know and they don’t (thanks to an extended mauling) is that a shaggy monster got its blood-hungry claws on her and now it’s pleased as punch that there’s a new gathering of fresh meat to feast on. The helpful narration from some comfy-looking man reading from an old tome lets us know what these wieners are up against… the snow demon that lives beneath the drifts, waiting for winter to come so it can feed. Glad that’s sorted. Along with the group of moody and mourning youngsters, there’s a vaguely handsome folklorist researching the demonic monster stalking the area and he’s determined to get to the bottom of the string of disappearances that plague the land. He lets us know this by dropping all of the information into his digital recorder as his introduction into the film. Convenience be thy name. There’s a whole bunch of time spent with awkward reminiscing and stilted line delivery with a lack of emotion behind it. It kind of snows (and then completely ignores that it’s supposed to be snowy during the lethargic chase climax) and the folklorist, wandering around the dark woods even though he knows the legend, gets attacked by the creature that is refreshingly not cgi and just a man in a decent and somewhat stiff werewolf costume. Memorial candles are lit and the friends hear the screams of the folklorist which forces a couple of them to head out into the woods to help. The two find fresh blood and the man’s recording device which is nice and convenient for them because now they can catch up with us. They also spot the monster and the only male member of the group is swiftly clawed before getting his throat ripped out. The blood-covered survivor makes it back to the cabin to let everyone know that they are in deep trouble, even if the shock she’s in won’t let her directly tell them why they are so damn fucked. The monster attacks when they try to scoot, thinning the numbers even more and leaving a couple ladies to attempt survival. The winter setting, the emotional depth and the hairy beast… none of these things are convincing, which makes the very basic story a chore to sit through. I’m always happy with a guy-in-a-suit menace no matter how stiff and rubbery and there’s plenty of blood but that will really only get me so far. It’s helped by a short runtime but still feels like it’s dragging more than anything else.
aka Dead Scared
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Some college pledges are tasked with a scavenger hunt and spending the night in an abandoned mansion to achieve membership in their desired fraternity/sorority. One item on the list involves them stealing an old book from a loony professor (Oh my lord, it’s a mustachioed Brad Dourif!) and a couple of the students happen upon the teacher sacrificing a young woman in a Satanic blood ritual. He attacks the intruders and ends up impaled after a shove down the stairs. The kids flee with the book and the bone-staff he was brandishing, deciding that they don’t need to stick around for the cops. Everyone unites at the house with a bad history and unbeknownst to them, the house heads are hanging around, just waiting to freak the pledges out with some spooky pranks. Of course, ya can’t keep a good bad guy down and Dourif uses his supernatural abilities to possess the pledges and get his murder on. Even easier when he uses the book to trap them in the house. Death and a few gallons of blood follow. Some jokes land, some jokes fall flat but everything has an attitude of fun that works in the film’s favor. Forever hottie Tiffany Shepis is really fucking good in this as a tough pledge with a few more layers than the usual victim-to-be and the always lovable Parry Shen is another pledge with a darkness phobia and maybe some heroics buried within him. Nectar Rose rocks a skimpy bunny costume (and is smarter than she lets on), a tongue mutates during cunnilingus (which turns into a full on attack), a signed photo of Bruce Campbell shows up (which leads to a lawn dart to the head) and there’s a runtime that doesn’t overstay its welcome and leads to a deservingly happy ending. It all makes for some slight but pretty enjoyable hijinks.
