Warriors of Terra (2006) (Canada)

aka Death Planet/DNA Monster/Biohazard: Death Planet

⭐️⭐️1/2

The Warriors of Terra are a head-strong group of animal rights activists and they are currently scheming to break into a bio-tech lab to put an end to some suspected cruelty. Ali believes her distant father is experimenting on animals at the maximum security facility where he researches cancer cures. Ali’s boyfriend Chris (Edward Furlong) is a security guard there and also an inside man for the Warriors of Terra. Ali joins their cause, swipes her dad’s security card and refuses to part with it when she meets up with the well-prepared and tech-savvy group of activists. So in she goes with them, making an enemy of the group’s bitchy, stubborn and awful leader Jade in the process. Welp, there’s no animals to rescue within and a raised alarm brings in a heavily armed security force. This has the Warriors of Terra on the run and descending deeper into the lab’s catacombs where it’s discovered the secret experimentation has been done on a young cancer patient and, as these things go, it’s turned her into something that’s not quite human. She’s released from containment and now her mutated ass is happy as hell to find she’s got a buffet of the liquified human organs she feeds on. Adding to the shit storm is the decontamination protocol the lab owner has put in place to eradicate anything in the subterranean corridors where our heroes find themselves. Ali’s father shows up to attempt to stall the protocol but those big-ass secrets need to stay hidden. It doesn’t matter all that much because Maya (said lady-monster) is pretty damn efficient and slaughtering folks with her tentacles that stretch from her fingers and tongue and inject a liquifying toxin into idiots. It takes a bit to get going and there’s more than a couple annoying characters but the whole “people trapped in a facility with a monster” is my kind of scene, so leeway is given and I’m always happy knowing Edward Furlong collected a check… hopefully it was larger than the special effects budget. There’s annoying editing choices and everything feels longer than it is but it’s a mildly fun time if your standards are low for the direct-to-DVD trash that came out in the new millennium.

Crepitus (2018) (USA)

1/2

Carnival folklore speaks of a legend about a cannibalistic clown who marks his intended meals from birth with a trusty “X” on the old forehead. In the Michigan city of Cheboygan a seventeen year old girl and her little sister (X marks the spot… or forehead… or whatever for both of ‘em) navigate around their abusive mother while maintaining a strong sibling relationship. They find their dad’s old head-mounted camera and a necklace with a charm that makes the youngest girl’s eyes turn red. Uh oh. Youngest Sam wants to use the camera to record the spooky noises she’s been hearing but her older sister Eli just wants to leave things be. Seeing how awful their mother is, I can see why the pot should not be stirred. The girls look around the attic for clues on what happened to their grandpa. A key and old films are discovered before mom finds them in the attic and everything goes to shit. The cops show up for a domestic disturbance call and take a look around the home. They search the basement and are attacked by a clown who speaks in shitty rhymes and I think is played by Bill Moseley and even with some of the flicks he’s turned up in, I can say he’s slumming it. Mom is pissed about the disturbance or maybe just insane or maybe constipated… I don’t know what she’s going for. After a flashback to more awful bullshit, the kids watch the old film footage with more rhyming and impossibly shot so it destroys any level of “disturbing” this was going for. I think they’re all trapped under the influence of the clown Crepitus or something and they have to feed him or he feeds on them or something. Eli poisons her sister’s birthday cupcake to make sure she’s out because something awful is about to happen involving the clown in the basement. Mom attacks Eli and throws her into the cellar. She ties her to a mattress and calls her “skank-tard”. This blows. Everything ends badly for everyone. Impressive in how it somehow manages to be both miserable and boring. I’ll give it a little credit because Moseley puts way more effort in than this bullshit deserves.

The Last Bride of Salem (1974) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Up and coming painter, Matt Clifton, is discovered by a well-to-do mustachioed man (Sebastian Mayhew) and invited to rent his quiet home in Massachusetts and work on his art. Matt uproots his family (wife Jennifer and daughter Kelly) and gets to work, already dreaming about days of luxurious living. Happy at first (even though the house is a crap-shack), Jennifer soon notices changes in her family. Matt becomes temperamental and obsessed with painting the gloomy mansion behind their property. Kelly spends all her time talking to a new friend she refuses to bring over and starts showing her mom some serious 'tude. The town reverend grows suspicious that something evil is in the works and Jennifer's fears are solidified when he tells her as much. The long, dark history of Salem comes into play and Jennifer discovers her neighbors are a coven of witches led by the sole surviving warlock from the days of the trials. Turns out he and his followers were discovered by the original owner of the Clifton's home to be the actual witches behind the hysteria and all but himself were burnt alive. He then made a deal with the devil to walk the earth until he had revenge on the bloodline of the man who robbed him of his coven. He also has plans for the youngest Clifton which involve a sacrifice and an engagement to the Lord of Evil. Guess who the adopted Matt is related to. Jennifer races against the clock with the help of the reverend and the caretaker's mute son to save her husband and daughter from the evil machinations of the sinister warlock and his wide-reaching group of townsfolk. This seventies television movie has a solid cast performing within a familiar story. It's corny (as it damn well should be) and obviously hampered by its budget (of course) but there's still fun to be had for any lovers of cheap-o seventies "horror". Ontario makes for a fine Massachusetts stand-in and the one "special" effect is charmingly bad. Waste some time and try not to think about the horrible tragedy that works as the foundation for the movie.

The Dark and the Wicked (2020) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A family gathers on a secluded farm as the bedridden family patriarch slowly dies. Momma doesn’t want the brother and sister there and is suspiciously upset by their presence. She has her reasons and you can guaran-damn-tee they’re supernatural in origin. An unexpected tragedy eventually brings the siblings to a head-on collision with the evil festering within the patch of cold-looking Texas earth. Excellent cast, excellent atmosphere, genuine chills and some restrained bits of effective violence blend together to craft one hell of a creepy flick. One of the most horrifying aspects of the film and the key point that managed to disturb me was just how fast everything slips into a paranormal chaos that it seems impossible to climb out of. A bleak but very satisfying journey into the darkest kind of American folktale.

Massacre Up North (2001) (Canada)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

This Canadian-shot SOV flick knows the way to my heart. It opens up with a couple in the middle of a good old fashioned car boning session getting their naked asses murdered by someone decked out in knight armor. Already in love, I coasted through the rest of the film with a big old grin on my stupid face. Unbeknownst to me, things were about to get better. A family camping trip takes a turn for the worse when a tragic kebab accident horribly burns a young boy. Go back and read that again. Yes. A tragic kebab accident is the incident which serves as the catalyst for Massacre Up North. Scarred on the right side of his face, the youngster is bullied and eventually snaps. He kills his parents (whilst they’re in the middle of some bathtub bangin’) and leaves his younger brother to find the bodies. Years pass, the young boy becomes a young man, murders a few people and then returns home from college (where he majored in medieval studies) and takes a job in his uncle's hardware store. His brother becomes a forensic specialist and begins to aid the police on their hunt for a murderous madman. The two detectives leading the case (they also listen to criminal psychology lectures on cassette) are at a loss as more bodies pile up and no leads are exposed. People have gone missing and our scarred goober gets off on torturing his unfortunate prisoners. He takes a shine to one of the girls he has kidnapped and begins treating her like his special lady friend. It's all gonna come to some hard realizations and a jaw-droppingly bad climax/siege set to some butt-metal and with the killer finally sporting the armor we were teased with in the beginning of the film. Mixed in between the lovable cheap FX and penile violence is some deliciously awful acting. Cheap sets, cheap gore and cheap boobs help ease the surprisingly mean-spirited low-budget slasher. The great white north proves that they’re just as good at trash horror as the rest of the world.

Dracula (1931) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

From his home in Transylvania, Count Dracula arrives in England bringing with him death and tragedy. With his loyal and clinically insane servant Renfield in tow, he sets up shop in Carfax Abbey (conveniently located within spitting distance of Dr. Seward’s Sanitarium where looney Renfield is admitted as an inside man) and gets his suck on. He sets his sights on Seward’s daughter, Mina, slowly bending her to his will and this proves to be his downfall. Nina’s boring-ass beau teams up with the vampire expert Van Helsing, the convinced Dr. Seward and the sometimes sympathetic sometimes loyal bug-eating Renfield to take down the blood sucking monster. There’s a pleasant unsettling mood throughout and some genuinely chilling images to go along with the iconic performances from Bela Lugosi as the Count and Dwight Frye as Renfield but the whole affair is a bit musty. Tod Browning’s direction has a certain theatrical level to it which shows in the performances and comes off as static. It’s like a tenured professor that refuses to retire, you recognize the importance but it’s hard not to notice just how stuffy things are.

Monster from Green Hell (1957) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Wasps zapped with cosmic rays (thanks to being shot into outer space) crash down in the Congo when the rocket they were launched in goes way off course. The natives begin to die off and the American scientists who caused this mess decide to look into it. Expectedly, the wasps have grown to a monstrous size and have claimed a neck of the jungle called Green Hell for themselves. Hopefully American gumption and grenades can help. If that fails, there’s a convenient nearby volcano that seems ready to blow. Stock footage, extended marching, narration and repeated footage of the lovely and goofy looking giant wasps combine to make for a pretty average experience. It picks up at the end but boy oh boy is it a long trek to get there.