aka Grandma’s House
⭐️⭐️
With their mother long dead and following the tragic passing of their father, teenage Lynn and her little brother David go to live with their grandparents in a secluded patch of California. Grandpa is Len Lesser (Uncle Leo) so I already assume he’s up to no good. The first night in the house, David spies grandma and grandpa moving what looks like a wrapped corpse from their car into their cellar. Judging from the guitar grandma plans to gift to the children, the body is a hitchhiker we saw earlier in the film. David, lacking any mental capacity for survival, sneaks down into the basement and watches on in terror as grandpa gets ready to butcher the body of a young woman. Well, turns out it was all a nightmare… understandable considering the kid just lost his papa. Brinke Stevens (swoon) mysteriously watches on in secret, taking an interest in David. It’s the same woman David dreamed about ending up in his grandparents’ basement. She also vanishes almost supernaturally fast… so is she really there? Lynn catches the eye of some blockhead dope played by Michael Robinson who looks like Peter DeLuise if his parents were cousins. A dead body is found in a pond near the grandparents’ house and David’s friend lets him know that it’s not the first. When he actually discovers the corpse of Brinke Stevens stuffed in a cellar fridge, David begins to realize the depth of the awful situation he’s now in. But are his grandparents actually homicidal old people? Or is it all just a big misunderstanding? I mean, the corpse is very real… maybe. Well, everything gets turned on its head when it revealed the mysterious woman ain’t dead and she sure as shit ain’t no victim. It’s an okay movie that gets a much-needed adrenaline shot when the twist lands and it also gives us more Brinke Stevens so I ain’t complaining about it. There’s a fat sheriff and a couple rockets but outside of that, there ain’t much else.
⭐️⭐️
A publicity stunt backfires on a desperate author when his weekend stay at a haunted lighthouse blows up in his face. A ponytailed Craig Sheffer is the author and he’s filming his whole experience inside the legendary locale. The caretaker refuses to give him the keys to the actual lighthouse portion of the building but he’s not one to take “no” for an answer. We’re filled in on the haunted history of the place as Sheffer’s distinctive voice narrates over the tragedies visited upon the spot. Sure it’s Discovery Channel reenactment level but I’d be a bigger fan of more shows on that network if Mr. Sheffer was speaking over the local theater level performances. Ghosts run around in the background of shots and a phantom bride causes people to murder and kill themselves. His agent is happy he’s doing something to add some spice to his career and he’s joined by his familiar-looking and kinda cute publicist Rosa and his also familiar-lookin’ and maybe-cute-in-the-right-light tech guy Andre. Andre sets up the equipment and Rosa is over there to monitor the footage and help out where she can while the author locks himself in the lighthouse he’s somehow convinced the owner to open up for him. Technical issues bring Andre back and an old journal fills Sheffer in on some secret history and the horrible supernatural force calling the place home. Food rots, water gets salty, his publicist thinks the author is hoaxin’ it up, stairs become endless, Sheffer gets trapped and ghosts do whatever it is ghosts like to do inside creepy lighthouses. Sheffer throws down one hilarious freak out and shit gets Lovecraftian as the time runs out. It’s nothing special and features more than a couple rancid performances and filmmaking choices but like any brain-damaged lover of straight-to-VHS 90’s thrillers, I gotta soft spot for Craig Sheffer and am embarrassingly excited when his mug pops up in my endeavors. Based off of a moderately enjoyable short story from the father/son team of Richard and W.H. Chimzar. The “Complete Haunting” edition of the book features the short’s superior sequel.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Somewhat brash but still pretty fun horror comedy follows some reality show ghost hunters who are more showman than parapsychologists. Facing the cancellation of their show, they head to a house in Mexico with a violent past and supposed ghosts. Woefully unprepared, a homicidal presence begins to come after the fools. When one among them is slaughtered, his spirit returns to help and the host’s younger brother proves to be rather adept in ghost hunting. They use his gadgets to keep an eye on the haunting and try to get the hell out the house without losing their heads. There’s some genuine laughs but not many scares and some of the characters weigh on the patience but it’s still a pretty fun time.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It wasn’t the first and it’s not the best but it’s signicance to the subgenre is undeniable and the whole vibe it carried (I was one of those dopes captivated in the theatre) was an impressive feat. Anyone shoots you with a “Well, technically…” has their head so far up their own ass you have every right to just stop them right there and move on to a much more rewarding conversation. The simplicity of the story made it so easy for the filmmaking team to manipulate, not only the audience in the theaters but the prospective audience thanks to an impressive social media (before it would become the monster it is) marketing strategy. This was money getting made off of the old urban legend standby: “Well it didn’t happen to me but my friend’s aunt knew this guy in college…” It’s fucking brilliant and deserves every plaudit that came its way. As I said earlier, the story is pretty damn simple: years ago a trio of student filmmakers head to the woods of Maryland to shoot a documentary on a disturbing local legend. They vanish and the footage is found some time later. This is that footage. We watch as three completely believable youngsters find themselves in a horrific situation that their educated minds had no need to prepare for. Local flavor builds up the dark history before our heroes head into the forest and the natural performances delivered by all three of our protagonists really allows for the audience to use them as a focal point to project their dread on because of the inevitable just waiting at the end. Frustration grows amongst the group as, at first, they get lost and then something supernatural seems to begin stalking them. Everything falls apart. The environment is used to its full advantage and the fear feels real as not much is shown but weighs upon the audience like a millstone. Agitation does hit because people freaking out and blaming each other is always gonna be annoying. It gets a pass because it pretty much set the template for everything anyways. We’ve seen it so many times since but my respect for this bad boy is vast because how well it pulled everything off. It’s odd and rewarding that something came along and changed the game this far into it but that’s the magic of the genre.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
This is it. This is the greatest giant monster flick ever made. This is the movie that changed the game. You can still feel the aftershocks, the ground is still rumbling right under your feet. A near perfect blend of social commentary, human drama and monster action. I’m not sure what the landscape of monster cinema would look like without it and luckily I don’t have to worry about it. Underwater H-bomb testing has destroyed the natural habitat of a legendary beast. Freighter ships are being destroyed and survivors are few and far between. When nearby Odo Island has its fishing hardships answered by property destruction, the Japanese government decides to step in and figure out just what the hell is going on. Strange radiation readings and giant footprints eventually lead to the the witnessing of a 165-foot reptilian nightmare the locals call Godzilla. The head of the research team, Professor Kyohei Yamane, wants to study the creature and hopefully learn just how it managed to survive the exposure to large amounts of radiation (the nightmares of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were only nine years prior) but everyone else seems to be in the camp of killing this beast as quickly as possible. All of their plans fail and Godzilla brings a wave of horrific and familiar destruction to Tokyo. The only hope lies in the invention of one Dr. Serizawa. He’s invented a substance called the oxygen destroyer which somehow splits oxygen into a fluid but is reluctant to use it much less hand it over to the Japanese military to weaponize. He’s only shared his invention with the woman he loves, Emiko, but has sworn her to secrecy. She’s managed to keep her end of the bargain but when she witnesses the devastation Godzilla causes, she finds it impossible not to do all she can to prevent more terror. Ishirô Honda’s tight direction, Akira Ifukube’s influential score, a script loaded with pathos and the specter of the atomic bomb, a stellar cast and one of the coolest monsters to ever grace the silver screen make for one hell of a romp. There’s enough kaiju hijinks for all the monster kids to get behind and the character-driven plot is rewarding for those adult tastes. It’s the perfect monster film and I can’t recommend it enough.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Shot in 1998-1999 but never finished, the film was cut into a twenty minute short and unleashed on an unsuspecting world in 2004. I don’t speak German so I’ll be of little help offering up any solid synopsis of why things are happening or why characters are doing the things they do. There’s an awful reporter wandering around a building where a horrible massacre happened (cue a bunch of fun splatter effects). A masked man approaches a dozing fella and pistol whips him. The guy awakens, tied up with his very plastic erection out for the world to see. The masked man takes a drill bit to his urethra. A guy masturbates in his car (the same fake penis?) and another guy gets his head severed by a booby trap. People are trying to kill somebody but they just get themselves killed by the giggling chipmunk-voiced killer instead. It ain’t much of anything but the violence is cheap and fun and it’s under a half hour, so what’s the harm?
⭐️⭐️1/2
Terrifying occurrences play out in a haunted house when Hank and whatever companions he could convince to join him, try to win Hank a bet by spending the night in the infamous abode. I may not be a “car guy” but even I’d brave the supernatural lodgings to get myself a free Ferrari… even if I’d just sell it and buy a bunch of comic books. Anyways, talk and beer are in abundance until spooky shit starts up. A local medium lets Hank know he has psychic powers, Hank falls for a new-in-town cute blonde, the night crawls on and church-basement spook-house shenanigans intensify. Hank is convinced someone is just trying to freak them out but denial becomes a little more complicated following a marvelously boring séance and the inability to escape the premises. It’s so bottom of the barrel it becomes quite shocking when it pulls off some uneasy visuals, off-kilter sound design and off-putting musical bits, accidentally transforming itself into a movie that has no right being as memorable as it is. Even the shoddy editing creates an otherworldly vibe that many have tried to replicate. It may be nothing special and more than a little boring but I guarantee if I had seen it as a child, it would have burned itself into my brain and caused a few sleepless nights.
