⭐️⭐️1/2
Another dumbass wanders alone in an infamous haunted house and, just like every other dumbass before him, finds nothing but trouble. This time the man is Australian so we get to hear "Who's there?" in an Aussie accent. Author Phillip Muirhouse decides to release a DVD of a paranormal investigation at the Monte Cristo to coincide with his new book. The house has a terrifying history and Phillip has to wait around by himself for his crew. He decides to do some investigating and comes face to face with the evil presence on the estate. There are some genuine chills provided and the found footage style is pulled off perfectly fine. You've seen the same thing played out before but, all kidding aside, it's not the worst the subgenre has to offer.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Enjoyable Italian chiller takes place near the end of the 15th century and opens with the burning of a wrongly accused woman for witchcraft and the death of Count Humboldt’s brother, Franz. Before the flames engulf her she swears that the count and his son will die before the next century hits and the feudal village shall know the horrors of the plague. The woman’s eldest daughter Helen (Barbara Steele) comes to Count Humboldt claiming to have evidence of her mother’s innocence but it does little good as the count molests her while her mother burns. She threatens to tell of his adultery and ends up thrown to her death in a nearby waterfall. The youngest daughter, Lisabeth, is raised within the grounds of the castle and when she comes of age she gains the unwanted attentions of the Count’s vile son Kurt. Not only is he a piece of shit who uses his powers to get what he wants, he is also responsible for the murder of Franz and therefore the execution of the innocent woman. As the surrounding village succumbs to the horrors of the plague, a grave containing the ashes of Lisabeth’s mother is struck by lightning and a skeletal corpse regains flesh and movement. Soon after, the mysterious Mary (Barbara Steele again) arrives at the Humboldt home and the royal family is royally fucked. Cobweb-strewn crypts, plenty of skeletons, secret passages and candle-lit wanderings are the name of the game as vengeance is mete out in a needlessly complicated fashion. There is a slight drag but it all ends ever so deliciously with that scumbag Kurt burnt alive in a giant effigy of death.
aka Clouds
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Extra sleazy Filipino horror film fixates on sex until its violent and downbeat climax. Jake, a recovering drug addict and screenwriter, journeys with his filmmaking friends for some location scouting. Looking to rest after a long day of traveling, the group rent an old house from a grieving father who recently lost his daughter to a murderous trio of rape-happy tourists. The dead girl’s angry and horny ghost begins to slowly possess the film crew leading to a bit of sex and ghostly shenanigans. The father knows what is going on and attempts to quell his daughter’s path of vengeance, especially on the innocent youngsters renting his house. On top of possessing, the spirit can also resurrect her own body (which her Dad keeps propped up in her locked bedroom) and uses it to seduce the mentally fragile Jake. This leads to a MacGruber-like sex scene where Jake’s sneaky friends film him getting down with the lovely young lady but when they play it back it’s just footage of the bare-ass young man humping empty space. Thoroughly bizarre from its schizophrenic beginning to its “it was all a dream... or was it?!?” ending, Alapaap is well worth the hunt. There may be better films where a woman burns half her face off with a hairdryer but I doubt those films also contain a dog molesting and then murdering a young woman.
aka Dark Rising/American Warships 2
⭐️⭐️
Air Force One goes down thanks to some harsh weather and the Navy sends an elite team to the Bermuda Triangle to rescue the president (John Savage). He made it out in the standard issue presidential rescue pod before the plane exploded but he’s running out of oxygen, so time is of the utmost importance. Linda Hamilton (good to see her) leads the team and has an issue with her squad chief Trip Oliver’s risk-taking attitude. Almost immediately, they’re attacked by big-ass tentacles belonging to god-knows-what. Luckily, Jamie Kennedy (as a scientist who looks like that uncle of yours that was a writer/painter and took his own life in the family cabin back in ‘82) is there to explain that they’re some unknown form of tubeworms and not the tentacles promised by the title. A tense stand-off ends when they start impaling as many seamen as they can. They manage to fight them off with some heavy losses on their side and then go on with their mission. Diving deep into the dangerous waters to save the commander in chief in an experimental submersible called the Prometheus, the team ignores orders and goes on the rescue mission without any major firepower. That Trip, such a renegade. Dr. Jamie Kennedy figures out that, yes, they are tubeworm-like but they’re also tentacles because they’re appendages of something much bigger that is not anything of terrestrial origin. Turns out there’s a colossal alien city at the bottom of the sea built from wrecked ships and it’s the reason behind all the bullshit associated with the Bermuda Triangle. They track the president’s signal to the city and manage to find him before he perishes like so many other poor dopes. As one would expect, those tentacles claim some folks along the way and there’s other stupid shit down there. It’s not exactly memorable like the best of the SyFy cgi monster flicks but it’s also nowhere near as boring as the worst of the batch. Middle ground shit that benefits from a few recognizable faces and plenty of tubewormish “action”.
⭐️1/2
That past… it’ll get ya. Claire and her husband Aaron (Aye! Zack Ward! Nice) move back into Claire’s old family house, following the death of her mother. The childhood home ain’t full of that many happy memories thanks to the trauma that goes along with an abusive mother (Shannon Doherty!). Her haunted history has pretty much turned Claire into an unlikable asshole, so it’s a little hard to root for her and it may explain why she had an imaginary friend in her lonely youth by the name of Bethany. This invisible little girl seems to still be hanging around the place. There’s tensions between Claire and Aaron involving what to do with the house and more trauma involving a miscarriage but they are seeing a relationship counselor (played by fuckin’ Tom Green!) via Zoom sessions. Anyways, Claire has flashbacks to her troubled childhood, hallucinates various bits of awfulness as Bethany begins to make her (its?) presence felt. Why? Well, there’s some more crap in Claire’s past that will explain that as well. It’s a really annoying film that wallows in its misery and doesn’t deserve the cast which could have been a whole lotta fun. It’s not though because if it’s miserable then you should be miserable too. The cast is capable and the ugliness is suitably unpleasant but it falters in its melodrama never really ringing true and it all just ends up being a real drag. The supernatural finally comes into play and we get a hilarious death for Tom Green… just wish it let shit get crazy with more than twenty minutes left. Not that it’s all that exciting but it’s way more watchable than the pity party we’ve been enduring.
aka Mutant 2/The Falling
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vacationing friends find their Spanish holiday disrupted by some nasty alien parasites who made their way to earth thanks to the SkyLab crash. It’s revealed that classified experimentation was being done on animals and with part of SkyLab making landfall in the area five years back, the creatures managed to survive and are now bringing a small Spanish town to messy ends. The trio of buds learn that the Apollo 14 mission gave NASA access to a bizarre alien organism, all this information shared by a NASA professor they come across who was looking into some disturbing occurrences in the area thanks to their nearby lab. Insane townsfolk with murderous intent and more than a few corpses have the three youngsters and the scientist racing for a cure. There is an antidote but with the townsfolk under alien control, it’s gonna be a tough go. Hopefully they manage to get the job done because the awful things gestate inside a host body, taking over the vessel until exploding on out and it is one disgusting way to shuffle off this mortal coil. Our three leads are likable enough, keeping a sense of humor throughout. Lynn-Holly Johnson is cute as all hell and equally delightful as the female of the trio and I have always been a fan of Dennis Christopher. There’s a weird vibe of goofiness imbedded in the damn thing and it’s oddly refreshing as the awfulness plays out. Granted, many reviews I have read were not a fan of the lack of seriousness but I think I’ve seen so many crap productions sternly playing out with an unbearable self-seriousness that this felt like a lovely reprieve. It’s a bit more chill than it should be and never establishes the tension it deserves but the characters are likable, the minimal effects work is gooey and the Spanish location is easy on the eyes.
aka The Legend of the Mad Axeman
⭐️⭐️1/2
An undying, bearded urban legend stalks around a small English town wielding his trusty axe and making lame puns. An inexperienced reporter and an obsessive author track the supernatural madman but do little to curb the body count. Ultra cheap and somewhat charming budget horror is definitely not good... but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. If it didn’t drag so much in the middle portion it would definitely be one video recorder away from a bonafide modern day SOV favorite. Unfortunately it runs out of a steam for a good chunk of the time. Brings it back in the climax and has a suitably dumb ending. Depending on your tolerance for no budget cinema, ya just may get a kick out of this goofy little Brit flick. And come on, that title is wonderful!
