⭐️1/2
The idea of a couple paranormal investigators checking out an abandoned property in the middle of the woods is nothing new. But this time it’s in Spain, so stuff that in your pipe and smoke it. Opening credits play over cut scenes from a History Channel Halloween special. Hugo introduces us to what he and his buddy Carlos have been doing for the last couple years of their young lives. You guessed it, they explore abandoned places and film it. Hugo shares that they weren’t really expecting anything of interest to happen when they journeyed to the isolated hotel but here we are and this is the footage from the fateful night. Spoiler! Their definition of “interesting” does not fall in line with mine. Replays and enhanced audio are thrown in throughout the movie and the visual narration from Hugo and Carlos pops up frequently. It’s basically like you’re watching a ghost hunting show with a very small budget and a murder revelation that hits like a wet feather. So… not worth the journey. There’s a wonderful setting for the urban exploration tomfoolery but an empty building is still just an empty building and dereliction can only keep me interested for so long. For what it is, it’s fine but that’s not a recommendation.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Mi-jung became a hot commodity when her short film was well received and sparked the interest of producers. A lack of inspiration has hindered her ability to fulfill her obligation to these producers with a script for a horror film. She’s getting desperate but hope comes in the form of an urban legend shared with her by her friend Joon-seo. He vaguely recollects a supposedly cursed film created by a student who claimed the damn thing was shot by a ghost. He can’t remember the student’s name but he can remember the audience reaction to the film was one of pure terror which led to half the viewers fleeing in panic and one audience member dying of a heart attack. Well, Mi-jung’s curiosity is piqued and she begins digging and sleuthing on the hunt for this lost film. She eventually finds the artist behind the movie and he is sufficiently a fucking mess. His threats and cryptic musings don’t deter the young woman and her fascination with the forbidden media becomes an obsession. When she eventually (and illegally) gets her hands on the footage, it sends her down a rabbit hole which may prove to give her the horrifying script she’s been searching for but it also makes her a target for the supernatural entity better left forgotten. Gorgeous Seo Ye-ji is easy to root for and crafty enough to get behind as she makes some poor decisions on her tumble into the kind of darkness you can’t just shake off. Lost media is always an intriguing addition to a horror flick and the specter may be the usual phantom girl with long, wet hair draping over herself like a funeral shroud but this one’s burnt up a little and is still effective enough at being spooky. Solid but standard fright flick contains a compelling hook and affable lead but also seems to be lacking much depth to really get a recommendation beyond a once over.
⭐️⭐️1/2
“Urban Explorers are extreme sports’ answer to computer hackers...” Sure. Whatever. A trio of “extreme sports computer hackers” sneak into underground Moscow to find and document Stalin’s secret “Metro 2” and Ivan the Terrible’s torture chamber. Things go to shit at a rapid pace and they’re soon dodging armed and gas-masked soldiers looking to contain some kind of plagueish outbreak. There also may be a supernatural element in full swing as the guilt ridden Nate begins to see some strange shit. Frantic to the max, the film utilizes a mixture of schizophrenic camera work, intense sound design and strobing lights. It has aspects of the found footage genre but does not completely rely on it. The ending may be predictable but it is completely justified by the experience.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A PR nightmare awaits the most dangerous school in the world when a needlessly life-threatening tournament is held at Hogwarts to crown the world’s most bestest wizard (age 17-18). Of course, the underage Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe looking the most like Rachel Dratch he’s ever looked) is entered into the damn thing and he and his god-awful haircut stumble into victory at every turn. You’d think somebody would directly tell this “chosen one” what to do but I guess that’s not how the Wizarding World of Harry Potter™️ works. The shiny vampire kid who would one day be Batman is also there and he gets murdered by a finally fully-resurrected bald reptile man with one hell of a grudge. Scheming was afoot from the start to get Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes, who is clearly having the time of his life) back into action and the idiots played right into it. Brendan Gleeson plays the new certifiably insane teacher (with an obvious case of PTSD who should be nowhere near children) who takes a shine to Harry and steals every scene he’s given, David Tenant is wonderful as one of the villains but gets like two minutes of screen time, Roger Lloyd Pack is also underutilized as the man from the government monitoring the tournaments and the usual side characters are all a bit more interesting than Harry and his gang of wieners. There’s dragons, mer-people (look like fish but they hiss like people), an awkward dance, a wonky eye, a really horny ghost, one big bitch, foreigners and more plot devices from the bigoted and lazy mind of J.K. Rowling. Again, we’re reminded of how much worse off we are now that Alan Rickman has shuffled this mortal coil.
⭐️⭐️1/2
In Dublin, Andrew Fleming looks to prove to his wife that their home is not haunted. He figures if he can film and do some investigating, he can come up with evidence of logical reasons for any spooky activity. Why he decided to upload this to his vlog for people to watch I don’t know because I can simply prove to myself that ghosts don’t exist by sitting on my couch and going about my business. I guess if he hadn’t uploaded his skeptic video journals we wouldn’t have had collected footage to edit together into a full length film. Andrew claims he wants the viewers help to figure out what is actually going down in their family home. Oh. I’ll shut up now. His wife goes to stay with her parents (along with their one year old) and wants to sell the place. Andrew is a fan of the house, so he’s asked for a week to prove there’s nothing supernatural in the works before taking the big step of just selling the property and moving somewhere else. HVAC and plumbing are probable nightmares for the homeowner especially because the strange sounds only started up after the remodel and instillations happened. Of course, that business stirred something up and our hero’s continued monitoring of the house is going to prove his wife’s suspicions correct. We get the usual noises, moving objects and even some shadowy things moving in the background of shots to build up the haunting as Andrew has to finally admit to himself that he’s out of his depth while he gets a bit obsessive with his current project. A newspaper clipping answers a major question as to the why and the title of the movie lets you know anyways who may be knocking around the place. The “excitement” of pseudoscience combines with the lethargy of ghost hunting for a stretch but the affable protagonist makes it tolerable. I mean, it’s necessary to a found footage ghost movie, isn’t it? Especially when one is trying to be as convincing as it can be. So, a necessary evil when it comes down to these kinda flicks. There’s a nice little mystery at the heart of things and as I said earlier, our lead (nearly only performer) is likable (kudos to jack of all trades Michael Keane) and not one of those insufferable idiots that usually pick up a camera in these things. It’s solid for what it is but there’s really only so much you can do. It can’t help but be boring because of how it presents itself and watching a solo ghost hunt with someone who refuses to fake evidence is tedious in the best of circumstances. Still. I respect Mr. Keane for getting it done and having an actual story thread for his found footage flick.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Melvin spends his days as a custodian at a bridal shop where the employees and the customers either treat him like shit or barely acknowledge his existence. He escapes to the building’s third floor where he can take out his frustrations on the mannequins stored up there. During his most recent weirdo attic session, Melvin passes out and wakes up to find the building closed. Being the uncanny freakshow that they are, the mannequins freak the hell out of Melvin. Hurling insults at him and finally getting some retribution. Mental illness? Supernatural revenge? I can’t say for sure but it’s only nine minutes long and it’s freaky as all fuck.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
There’s something wonderful happening in Texas… well, more than thirty years ago there was. Opening credits set to a true toe-tapping masterpiece ease ya in to a Tales From the Crypt yarn shot through the lens of cheap beer and good vibes. Some frat pledges are in a local cemetery desecrating a grave. The most nervous (and mullet’d) of the pledges shares the fraternity history with his cohorts and it’s sketchy as all fuck. Mr. Mullet (Donny Wahlberg… not the actor, that’s the characters name) heard from the wonderfully named Detective Tommy Stompanado that the Beta Phi house has a history of death and murder. We are then blessed with a black and white flashback to witness the sinister shenanigans of the fraternity founder. Harnessing the powers of darkness drove the man to extreme lengths (well, backyard budget extreme lengths) and contact with a great evil has the cocky man dooming his own future and the future of his fraternity. Tricking supernatural evil never really works in anyone’s favor. Fraternity president, suitably named Lance, sends the pledges to a forgotten cemetery to grab the founder’s gravestone and that catches us up to the present. The drunkest of the pledges gets left behind to stumble, vomit and pass out. This also gets him grabbed by the skeletal corpse of the fraternity founder who has a shitty sense of humor and a murderous streak thanks to the theft of his property. Lance (pledge master with the golden mullet) is proud of his pledges for leaving the deadweight behind. The Beta Phi Delta are also putting on a haunted house attraction and the shambling zombie shows up to raise some hell. Detective Stompanado arrives looking exactly as I had hoped and rocking his own signature score (also of the toe-tapping variety). He’s a very grumpy man and holds a grudge against the Beta Phi. He use to be one and knows they are no good. People die by the rotted hands of the zombie who can’t seem to help himself from making dad jokes at any opportunity and claims the pieces he rips from his victims as his own. Analogue bliss feels like a narrative feature pieced together as a history for a local spook show that a whole town participated in and put together by some very enthusiastic Famous Monsters of Filmland fans with the previous decade’s perversions seeping in. Local thespians and maybe a couple librarians with an acting bug fill out a cast that endears and the violence fits exactly in line with the limited resources not getting in the way on the filmmakers insistence on being as over the top as they can even if it’s not that much. Charmingly corny, slightly annoying but well-worth digging up.
