The Blair Witch Project (1999) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

It wasn’t the first and it’s not the best but it’s signicance to the subgenre is undeniable and the whole vibe it carried (I was one of those dopes captivated in the theatre) was an impressive feat. Anyone shoots you with a “Well, technically…” has their head so far up their own ass you have every right to just stop them right there and move on to a much more rewarding conversation. The simplicity of the story made it so easy for the filmmaking team to manipulate, not only the audience in the theaters but the prospective audience thanks to an impressive social media (before it would become the monster it is) marketing strategy. This was money getting made off of the old urban legend standby: “Well it didn’t happen to me but my friend’s aunt knew this guy in college…” It’s fucking brilliant and deserves every plaudit that came its way. As I said earlier, the story is pretty damn simple: years ago a trio of student filmmakers head to the woods of Maryland to shoot a documentary on a disturbing local legend. They vanish and the footage is found some time later. This is that footage. We watch as three completely believable youngsters find themselves in a horrific situation that their educated minds had no need to prepare for. Local flavor builds up the dark history before our heroes head into the forest and the natural performances delivered by all three of our protagonists really allows for the audience to use them as a focal point to project their dread on because of the inevitable just waiting at the end. Frustration grows amongst the group as, at first, they get lost and then something supernatural seems to begin stalking them. Everything falls apart. The environment is used to its full advantage and the fear feels real as not much is shown but weighs upon the audience like a millstone. Agitation does hit because people freaking out and blaming each other is always gonna be annoying. It gets a pass because it pretty much set the template for everything anyways. We’ve seen it so many times since but my respect for this bad boy is vast because how well it pulled everything off. It’s odd and rewarding that something came along and changed the game this far into it but that’s the magic of the genre.

Godzilla (1954) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

This is it. This is the greatest giant monster flick ever made. This is the movie that changed the game. You can still feel the aftershocks, the ground is still rumbling right under your feet. A near perfect blend of social commentary, human drama and monster action. I’m not sure what the landscape of monster cinema would look like without it and luckily I don’t have to worry about it. Underwater H-bomb testing has destroyed the natural habitat of a legendary beast. Freighter ships are being destroyed and survivors are few and far between. When nearby Odo Island has its fishing hardships answered by property destruction, the Japanese government decides to step in and figure out just what the hell is going on. Strange radiation readings and giant footprints eventually lead to the the witnessing of a 165-foot reptilian nightmare the locals call Godzilla. The head of the research team, Professor Kyohei Yamane, wants to study the creature and hopefully learn just how it managed to survive the exposure to large amounts of radiation (the nightmares of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were only nine years prior) but everyone else seems to be in the camp of killing this beast as quickly as possible. All of their plans fail and Godzilla brings a wave of horrific and familiar destruction to Tokyo. The only hope lies in the invention of one Dr. Serizawa. He’s invented a substance called the oxygen destroyer which somehow splits oxygen into a fluid but is reluctant to use it much less hand it over to the Japanese military to weaponize. He’s only shared his invention with the woman he loves, Emiko, but has sworn her to secrecy. She’s managed to keep her end of the bargain but when she witnesses the devastation Godzilla causes, she finds it impossible not to do all she can to prevent more terror. Ishirô Honda’s tight direction, Akira Ifukube’s influential score, a script loaded with pathos and the specter of the atomic bomb, a stellar cast and one of the coolest monsters to ever grace the silver screen make for one hell of a romp. There’s enough kaiju hijinks for all the monster kids to get behind and the character-driven plot is rewarding for those adult tastes. It’s the perfect monster film and I can’t recommend it enough.

Zyklus: Der blutige Sommer von 1999 (2004) (Germany)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Shot in 1998-1999 but never finished, the film was cut into a twenty minute short and unleashed on an unsuspecting world in 2004. I don’t speak German so I’ll be of little help offering up any solid synopsis of why things are happening or why characters are doing the things they do. There’s an awful reporter wandering around a building where a horrible massacre happened (cue a bunch of fun splatter effects). A masked man approaches a dozing fella and pistol whips him. The guy awakens, tied up with his very plastic erection out for the world to see. The masked man takes a drill bit to his urethra. A guy masturbates in his car (the same fake penis?) and another guy gets his head severed by a booby trap. People are trying to kill somebody but they just get themselves killed by the giggling chipmunk-voiced killer instead. It ain’t much of anything but the violence is cheap and fun and it’s under a half hour, so what’s the harm?

Ghosts of Hanley House (1968) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Terrifying occurrences play out in a haunted house when Hank and whatever companions he could convince to join him, try to win Hank a bet by spending the night in the infamous abode. I may not be a “car guy” but even I’d brave the supernatural lodgings to get myself a free Ferrari… even if I’d just sell it and buy a bunch of comic books. Anyways, talk and beer are in abundance until spooky shit starts up. A local medium lets Hank know he has psychic powers, Hank falls for a new-in-town cute blonde, the night crawls on and church-basement spook-house shenanigans intensify. Hank is convinced someone is just trying to freak them out but denial becomes a little more complicated following a marvelously boring séance and the inability to escape the premises. It’s so bottom of the barrel it becomes quite shocking when it pulls off some uneasy visuals, off-kilter sound design and off-putting musical bits, accidentally transforming itself into a movie that has no right being as memorable as it is. Even the shoddy editing creates an otherworldly vibe that many have tried to replicate. It may be nothing special and more than a little boring but I guarantee if I had seen it as a child, it would have burned itself into my brain and caused a few sleepless nights.

Death Passage (2014) (Australia)

aka Lemon Tree Passage/The Passage 

⭐️⭐️

One man’s past crimes puts a group of “American” tourists and a couple local boys in the path of supernatural revenge. When a trio of backpackers are told the story of a haunting legend by two Australian guys, they head to the spooky stretch of road for some creepy thrills. Unfortunately for them, an older brother to one of the young men committed a gruesome crime and it just so happens to be the anniversary of said awfulness. Throwing in the local legend as a bit of a bluff is a nice little touch but on the whole Death Passage fails to entertain. The location is nice and creepy and the characters are attractive but the plot is predictable and the scares don’t really land.

21 Days (2014) (USA)

1/2

A paranormal challenge is taken up by three aspiring (and annoying) filmmakers which leads them to being barricaded in a house supposedly so haunted nobody has been able to take up residence there for more than twenty-one days. Former inhabitants are either dead, mentally unstable or unwilling to speak about things. Native American legend warns of a demon traveling through mirrors and the spot being right on top of a vortex where no human should ever roam. There’s dreamcatchers disturbingly placed on the ground, covered mirrors and creepy toys waiting for our trio of dipshits. Lame spookiness starts up, there’s a scythe that shows up in a closet, the morons start getting on each other’s nerves and they’ll be doing the same to you. Some of the acting is completely wretched and the ghostly entities that pop up are somewhere on the Casper end of the frightening spectrum. These dinks should have been murdered ten minutes in and saved us the trouble.

The Mummy (1999) (USA/UK/Morocco)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Rip roaring throwback kicks so much ass it hurts. The stellar cast brings it to a quick script that harkens back to a different time of escapism but an adventurous vibe that is pretty damn timeless. A couple English siblings (Rachel Weisz and John Hannah) get swept up into a mortally dangerous adventure when the brother swipes an Egyptian artifact from a displaced American. Within the antique is a map to the supposedly mythical Hamunaptra aka The City of the Dead. When their employer purposely burns off the location of the lost city, they track the American, Rick O’Connell, down to a prison in Cairo. His life on the line, said prisoner (Brendan Fraser) offers to take them to the dangerous place if they can get him out of his current pickle. Money talks and the next thing you know the group is off to find the treasure-filled location lost for generations. There’s a group of Americans lead by Rick’s former frenemy Beni (a scene-stealing Kevin J. O’Connor) also heading to Hamunaptra. Their curiosity and greed brings forth a shit-storm of biblical proportions when they awaken the ancient priest Imhotep who knew a little too much about some dark practices that could guarantee a longer than normal existence. Imhotep restores himself by feeding on the American explorers and gets right back to working towards raising his lost love from the dead, a plan that requires the beautiful Weisz as a sacrifice. It all comes to a climax in the mummy-filled tomb of Imhotep. There’s flesh-burrowing scarabs, casual racism, genuine laughs, various degrees of sex appeal and a level of charm you don’t often find in big Hollywood productions. Odes Fehr, Arnold Vosloo and Bernard Fox all leave a lasting impression. Brendan Fraser is somehow beyond dashing and becomes his own level of greatness. His Brendan Fraserness is off the charts.