⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Six months after the death of their friend, a group of four men hike a Swedish trail in his honor. When one among them twists his ankle, they decide to cut their hike back in half by cutting through the vast northern Swedish woods. Things go from screwed up to royally fucked in short order. Spending a night avoiding a downpour in a dilapidated cabin, the men all suffer horrifying nightmares and come to realize they are being stalked by something large that calls the woods home. The men attempt to hold onto reason as the situation becomes more unreasonable and tensions mount within the gang. Guilt, sacrifice, cowardice and tree branch impalement all figure into the story. Adapted from the excellent novel by Adam Nevill, the film makes the wise choice of excising the whole black metal band subplot that never really clicked in the book but the movie also ends up feeling like a watered down retelling whic was an inevitability when pacing is considered for a Netflix audience. Still, it’s a decent enough horror flick with a breathtaking location, a fully realized folkloric nightmare (one of the coolest creatures I have seen in a very long time) and the always welcome presence of Rafe Spall. “If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A horny couple sneak away from a cave tour to get their smooch on and they both fall into a pit where they have a fatal encounter with a monster. A plaster cast of the creature’s footprint and the obvious claw markings on the man’s corpse draws the attention of a renowned professor. The woman who survived is in a state of shock and lacks any coherency when the scientists attempt to drag a description of the encounter out of her. Curiosity piqued, the esteemed professor and a small crew of scientists and adventurers journey into the unexplored lower cave system to solve the mystery. Of course, the monsters are there waiting for the poor fools. A long-tailed cyclops man-thing attacks a sexy geologist and kills one of the crew, putting the men on the hunt for it. Their tracking brings them to a large underground city and more death. A murderous man-bat shows up and the discovery of diamonds turns one greedy member of the group into a killer. The professor’s secretary, Hilda, makes an understandably big impression on the bat/human thing and it scoops her up for itself. There’s also footage from other Dino-flicks, a river of lava, bat attacks, a goofy looking giant spider and budgetary constraints. It’s a pretty fun time that takes a little bit to get going but garners good will from the cheap and delightful creature fun.
aka Creepers
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
At a classy Swiss boarding school, Jennifer Corwin (teenage Jennifer Connelly, even then outclassing her peers) awkwardly deals with the usual bullies (maybe the lamest in film history), fits of sleepwalking, a bitchy headmistress (smoke-show Dalila Di Lazaro) and the unusual ability to telepathically communicate with insects and psychically witness some nasty murders. According to the local entomologist, Professor John McGregor (a game Donald Pleasance doing a shaky Scottish impression… I think), it is perfectly normal for insects to be slightly telepathic. He is the expert, after all. Insect telepathy and teenage awkwardness aside, a string of brutal murders have been plaguing the area and our hero is tasked by her friend the good professor with using her abilities to get to the bottom of things. He’s been helping the police force with the murders and is pretty damn keen to get things solved after the life of one of his favorite students was taken. If this sounds slightly off-kilter… it is but it certainly gets more insane as it runs towards the finish. The professor has a pet chimpanzee named Inga who proves to be proficient with a straight razor, the completely lovely Daria Nicolodi is Jennifer’s legal guardian (her actor father is away filming something in the Philippines) Frau Brückner who has a disturbing secret and a horribly disfigured dwarf (and not a “normal” disfigurement either, this is like a disfigurement that lands on a scale between zombie and mutant) proves to be the madman behind the impressively vicious slayings. Of course, Argento’s keen eye presents things in a disgustingly gorgeous fashion and an abrasive soundtrack keeps the viewer on some shaky ground. Don’t go in looking for logic and just enjoy a style of ridiculous corruption nobody has ever been able to fake. Hell, Argento even had a hard time faking it himself in later movies… even if I’m a larger fan of those dumb outings than most of the population. The opening scissor murder and decapitation sets the scene for what to expect but the nearly two-hour runtime does feel a bit unnecessary even if it doesn’t really drag anywhere. I’m also not sure how well the metal music provided by Iron Maiden and Motörhead actually works when it’s included, it’s not my scene so I don’t know if it’s just my personal taste leading me to feeling its completely out of place. I’ll leave that to the actual fans to decide. The other music is solid and gets more time in the film, so I’m good all in all. There’s awkward acting, an amazing Bee Gees top I will forever be jealous of not owning (and I’m not even a big fan of the trio), the excited exclamation of “Richard Gere!”, a fly attack via psychic abilities, a helpful fly detecting the location of the murderer, a disgusting body pit and a completely satisfying comeuppance via pissed-off chimp. Don’t let anyone blow smoke up your ass and tell you it’s high art. It may look wonderful but this is the typically atypical semi-sleazy horror ridiculousness an Argento with the power to let loose unleashed in the 80s. Yes. That is a very good thing.
aka The Forgotten Ones/Island of the Apes/The Tribe
⭐️⭐️1/2
Some mildly attractive dopes get their mildly attractive asses marooned on an uncharted island as youthful revelries lead to inevitable boating accidents. Instead of just waiting for the natural elements and the survival instincts of an unwatched toddler to finish off the goons, a tribe of cannibalistic throwbacks are doing God’s work and taking out the intruders. The lovely Jewel Staite is our hero Liz and I’m just fine with that… it’s the Serenity affinity working its magic. She may be a complete bitch for all I know but I’m blind to it. To the surprise of absolutely no one she’s the only likable member of the group. Her boyfriend is a manipulative cheater, Kellen Lutz is kind of a prick, some chubby dude is obnoxious and his blonde girly is a bit of a gold digger. They’re not purely awful so it’s easier to spend time with them but if I had a choice I would never go anywhere with this group… except for Kaylee Frye… excuse me, Liz. Anyways. There’s a bad boat accident and they end up shipwrecked on an island. It is gorgeous and luckily the boat’s radio made it onto the island with them and they’re able to reach out to the friend they were going to meet up with. Dude is not happy they sunk his boat and he claims there is no island at the coordinates he’s been given. Realizing they’ll be waiting for a bit, tempers flare. It gets worse when Liz is convinced she encountered something big and ornery hiding in the foliage. After a proposal and some partying, the group camps down by the fire and passes out. The next day hits and Liz’s boyfriend is gone, all that’s left is a puddle of blood and drag marks leading into the jungle. He wakes up not knowing where the hell he is and having a hard time moving thanks to a leg wound courtesy of some primitive weaponry. Liz and Lutz head into the jungle to look for their friend and the other two begrudgingly join them when a threat with a gun prevents them from taking the raft to go look for help. The monkey men get their monkey paws on the blonde and the chunky rich guy gets his chunky paws on the gun. Neither of them are long for this world. Liz and Lutz find a convenient journal at a camp that was set up decades ago for research purposes and it fills them in on the inhabitants of the island. The monsters look a lot like the Uruk-hai’s more simian cousins, which is nice because it doesn’t require any cgi. Costumed creeps for the win! It’s fine for what it is but it never exactly bodes well for a film when you can go get housework done and not really miss much.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Sexy Gary Oldman (trust me) returns and gets a bunch of screen time (comparatively) and… well… because Harry Potter can’t have nice things… we won’t be seeing him outside of ghost form in any further outings. Also, Hogwarts finally gets a hero in the form of an adult who wants to bring some order to the chaos that is Hogwarts. Of course, Dolores Umbridge (a scene-stealing Imelda Staunton) is treated as a villain for actually trying to act like a responsible teacher… just ignore the student torture and bigotry (in all fairness, humans are pretty much garbage). The government is actively working to discredit Harry and Dumbledore with their claims of Voldemort’s return but evil gonna evil and even the shitty wizarding administration will eventually have to accept the fact that the big bad is back. “He’s back!” With little help from the adults (outside of their usual cryptic bullshit serving as “assistance”) and the usually warm Dumbledore turning a cold shoulder to Harry, Mr. Potter begins teaching his fellow students in the ways of magical defense. It’s a good thing too, because old snake-face is rebuilding his army, which is bad news for wizards and muggles alike. It’s one hell of a great time with an intriguing story finally building, better performances from the elderly children and the usual excellence that is the supporting cast. If, by this point, you’re not dedicating your free time to curing cancer while simultaneously cracking the riddle of time travel to ensure that Alan Rickman gets at least thirty more years on this planet, then I’m not sure what the hell you’re doing.
aka Killer-Beast
⭐️⭐️1/2
A couple professors, select students, city employees and a news crew explore a long-abandoned film studio. Time goes all screwy and everything goes to hell shortly after they enter the building. The completely out of nowhere deaths of two amongst their crew scatters the team. Their problems are exacerbated when they discover an acid fog has surrounded the building, making escape impossible. They’re forced to navigate the cavernous building looking for a way out. On top of the three-clawed monster picking them off one by one the expedition have to put up with a bullheaded professor, green-blooded zombie-like aliens, flesh-hungry cockroaches, and the general confusion that goes along with any time paradox. There’s a whole bunch of wandering to go along with the bullshit science and the blue-drenched cinematography. Its kitchen sink attitude saves it from being boring but it’s still just about average in every way. Worth a look and may have some cult film value upon further viewings.
⭐️1/2
The idea of a couple paranormal investigators checking out an abandoned property in the middle of the woods is nothing new. But this time it’s in Spain, so stuff that in your pipe and smoke it. Opening credits play over cut scenes from a History Channel Halloween special. Hugo introduces us to what he and his buddy Carlos have been doing for the last couple years of their young lives. You guessed it, they explore abandoned places and film it. Hugo shares that they weren’t really expecting anything of interest to happen when they journeyed to the isolated hotel but here we are and this is the footage from the fateful night. Spoiler! Their definition of “interesting” does not fall in line with mine. Replays and enhanced audio are thrown in throughout the movie and the visual narration from Hugo and Carlos pops up frequently. It’s basically like you’re watching a ghost hunting show with a very small budget and a murder revelation that hits like a wet feather. So… not worth the journey. There’s a wonderful setting for the urban exploration tomfoolery but an empty building is still just an empty building and dereliction can only keep me interested for so long. For what it is, it’s fine but that’s not a recommendation.
