⭐️⭐️⭐️
The hidden chamber in an Egyptian pyramid holds one hell of a find for a team of researchers. No, it’s not the treasure or preserved corpse of ancient royalty… that shit is for the birds and would hardly influence the creative output of my hero Mark Palonia. Nope. This team finds a mummified alien shark! Unfortunately, before they can excitedly share this unprecedented find with the rest of the world, a vengeful mystic does what vengeful mystics are known for and brings the damn thing back to murderous life. You just know that Mark Polonia got his hands on someone’s vacation shots of Egypt and crafted a movie around it because why the hell not. You can’t pass that shit up. A white guy with a big beard stands in for the Egyptian mystic and he’s introduced talking shit about America’s reliance on modernity to an archeologist right before he zaps a tiny shark toy (with gauze lazily thrown on) to life. It attacks the archaeologist and the bearded mystic laughs and roars that the man is suitable… as food for the gods! Cue the dance music and cue the credits playing over Egyptian footage that may have been featured in a PlayStation cutscene back in 1995. So… POLONIA POWA!!! Strained dialogue matches the strained relationship between Egypt and American researchers plundering the tombs of the nation’s ancestors. Green screen, discounted stock footage and someone’s available travel shots stand in for the foreign location. The unconvincing team of professors make small talk and speak of shark gods lacking any semblance of conviction. Exactly as I’d want it in anything with Polonia plastered all over it. “Were humans engineered by a species of intelligent sharks?” That’s a question I’ve never asked myself but this flick is brave enough to pose it pretty damn early. The adorable shark starts chowing down on idiots and the team decides to evacuate after security footage of a shark attack is shown… footage that makes little sense as it’s just the previous attack scene shown in black and white with visual glitches *chef’s kiss*. The team takes the sharkophagus (their word, not mine) along with them via wretchedly-rendered digital helicopters, even getting into a silly aerial battle on the way out… allowing the Egyptian government to think they destroyed the team and their find in the process. Now, set up in the jungle (?), the team lays low while our hero stiffly wraps up everything that has happened already and eats a hamburger. Back in Egypt, the “mystic” learns through mystic tomfoolery that the Americans still live and that ain’t gonna sit right with the angry man. After a long stretch with no adorable mummy shark, the mystic finds the group, promises some old bat to the mummy shark as its bride and the damn thing then snickers and growls as it floats through the air and attacks. Mark Polonia pops in as a jungle chef named Cookie, we learn that sharks from outer space built the great pyramids (I had my suspicions), organic Tana leaves are brewed into a tea *Polonia Chef’s Kiss*, the possibility of immortality is realized thanks to cracking the code of the space sharks, possession via Tana leaf tea (she that will become the bride of the mummy shark), Kharis name drops, a hilariously pathetic Air Force interaction over coms and a level of unconvincing impressively plagues every aspect of the filmmaking process. Pure later-days Polonia gold at least seems to be having a bit of fun if you’re in the right frame of mind but if you’re not, just spend an hour and six minutes doing something else.
aka Slayer Santa
⭐️⭐️⭐️
On the anniversary of their big score, a group of young scuzzballs face the grave consequences of the fellow criminal they crossed and murdered. He’s back from the grave, dressed as Santa Clause (it is Christmas) and good at killing. Cheap gore and horrible dialogue converge in some wonderful backyard tomfoolery. Short and sweet but with enough low-grade violence to keep you smiling.
aka Haunted Spirit
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Interesting premise gives the viewer a bit more to chew on than your usual Asian ghost flick from the J-Horror boom of the 00s. A physicist named Hashimoto, who wears his hair like a “scene girl”, has invented something called the Menger Sponge. It’s made from human protein and can capture different electromagnetic wavelengths. When it absorbs enough energy, in theory, it can allow for the defiance of gravity. This has the government interested in it and funding an anti-gravity research team. The team has discovered an unexpected use for it... it can capture ghosts. Since spirits are just a form of energy, the invention allows the small team to cage the ghost of a young boy in a bedroom located in a rundown apartment complex. They bring in a detective to assist with finding out who the boy was and how he died. The cop is also an expert lip reader, which is extremely convenient since the boy is mouthing something but the team has no idea what message he is trying to get across. Detective Tung is skeptical until they spray his eyes with microscopic Menger Sponge and he sees the kid for himself. He’s still planning on leaving until Hashimoto brings up Tung’s mother, who is currently dying in a hospital. Offering up the opportunity to discover if living may be worse than death, Tung finally agrees to help. The ghost proves to be lethal if you look him directly in the eye and a troubled past (tumors, suicide attempt, psychotic mama... the usual) may be why the presence remains. There’s a few more revelations along the way, one of them being a major hinderance to the life expectancy of the team as well as an explanation for the film’s title. The standard raven-haired ghost comes into play but it’s such a rewarding turn that it’s pretty far from boring... and she does strike from a bowl of noodles and that’s pretty damn great. It’s a fascinating film that can be a tad too melodramatic at times.
⭐️⭐️
A mathematics major, strapped for cash, finds free housing with a group of other college students squatting in an abandoned hospital. Unfortunately for them, one of their number has summoned the dimension-traveling monster which terrorized the same building fifty years ago. Inoffensive and slightly dull, Shrieker drags a bit throughout. There's enough to keep your interest in its slight 72 minute run time. I'm just glad it's a Full Moon release that doesn't have any lilliputian menace running around.
aka The Evil Within - Lured
⭐️⭐️1/2
A young man decides to travel across the world to finally meet his internet crush face to face. Filmmaker Jason brings his camera along, eager to meet the pretty young aspiring filmmaker named Kate who invited him to come visit her in some unnamed part of Asia. Alas, this is not a globe-trekking love story and poor stupid Jason is about to willingly walk right into a world of some seriously fucked up hurt. It’s okay… Jason is kind of a schmuck. Kate seems reluctant to be filmed but isn’t outright rude about it… Jason is but I think he’s supposed to be American (you can hear the Canadian come through every so often) so that tracks. Anyways, she takes him to her isolated village in the middle of the woods and the creepiness begins. The place is pretty deserted, there’s bugs in the water, Kate acts odd as fuck and there’s some spooky figures roaming around. His first night is kind of uncomfortable but he sticks it out because he likes the girl. He gets attacked by a couple villagers with pasty faces, brandishing rocks and there’s an uncomfortable dinner involving chicken blood and a creepy old neighbor. Jason seems to be stalked by something draped in a burial shroud and stupidly wanders around the empty buildings at night, encountering various sinister paranormal shenanigans. Nothing shows up on film when he tries to prove things to Kate but we’re damn sure by this point (the film never hides the fact) that’s she’s up to no good anyways. Jason’s friend is trying to find the village but is having no luck and the American idiot finally figures out it’s time to leave… too damn late, ya idjit. Murder, revenge, evil spirits and some fun bits of creepiness play out. Lei Wang is pretty great, bringing just enough intrigue to her lunacy to be convincing enough as someone you could see a boner like Jason stick around for. And Jason is a boner but a believable boner so I’ll take it… the character… and maybe the boner. I’m always down for some different spooks in my found footage flicks and this one delivers but it does go on just a bit too long and has a pretty dumbass ending. You’ve seen it play out before but it’s better than some of the crap ya wade through.
aka Macabre/Frozen Terror
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The dating world is a horrific and complicated sea to navigate. I don’t have to navigate these waters anymore and I’m thankful for that but as we all know, there’s dangerous things waiting in the waves, which are crushing down on ya as you just look for someone to spend the rest of your life with. Sure, she may seem alright after hanging out a few times but how are you to know if or if not she keeps her ex lover’s severed head in her fridge and is pretty much a shattered woman whose sanity is a mask? Is this a viable fear for someone looking for the person they wish to spend the rest of their lives with? Probably not, but not everyone watches this damn movie when they were ten and had it stain their brain before they entered the mysterious world of sexual companionship. Anyways, now that I’m a married man I can revisit this silly thing because I no longer have to worry about a severed noggin in the fridge, unless it’s mine but by that point it won’t matter anymore. Janet Baker (a wonderful Bernice Stegers) moves into a Louisiana boarding house a year after her world went to shit. Ya see, while hooking up with her lover instead of watching her kids, her son dies and as they rush back to her house, a car accident kills her side piece. Traumatized, she’s sent to an institution. Now that she’s out, she’s back at the place where she use to meet up for dirty rendezvous with her hunky man (well, hunky in a Steve Buscemi kind of way). The original landlord’s blind son now owns the joint and becomes infatuated with the mysterious woman. Well, it’s a doomed lust because there’s a nasty little secret Janet is keeping and if you read my opening rambling, you know shit’s going to come a head (sorry) and not everyone is gonna be breathing by the time those end credits roll. Her creepy daughter begins to pry in an attempt to get her parents back together, Janet’s private life is interrupted and the blind man can’t hide his feelings anymore as Janet’s late night bang sessions with some unseen lover drive him to drastic measures. Mario Bava’s son Lamberto gets a little scuzzier in his genre outing but please do not let that dissuade you, no need to hold your nose to the air like a pompous ass. The decay of mental illness concerning its cast is just as striking as any of Mario’s gorgeous cinematography. Hell, we recognize something is very wrong with Janet’s daughter before anything much happens and the sympathetic blind man (a solid Stanko Molnar) is harboring some obviously sick intentions. But the show belongs to Janet and when Ms. Stegers is on camera, she plays the kind of unhinged that seems to be just bubbling under the surface until it gets to bare its teeth. She’s perfect. Playing sultry, charming and insane like a master juggler. Also perfect is the somehow unsettling jazzy soundtrack that sounds like it would be more at home in a steamy softcore sex flick. It works to add to the vibe of “off” this thing radiates. Does the ridiculous sting of the final hurt the film? No, I don’t think so but I’m also an idiot.
aka The Mummy vs The Were-Jackal
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“What could possibly happen here? This is the twentieth century. This is ... Nevada.” A boneheaded archaeologist goes and gets himself cursed thanks to his obsession with a well-preserved (and beautiful) Egyptian princess he’s managed to get his hands on. After tempting fate and ignoring a very specific warning, he transforms into an adorable werejackal when the moon is full. Princess Akana rises from her nearly 5,000-year slumber and begins getting all close and comfortable with David (said cursed bonehead). Things go from shitty to shit-storm when the goofy looking mummy found along with the princess rises as well. The Vegas strip is terrorized and no camera-mugging wino is safe! A mustachioed John Carradine shows up as a professor who knows the score and there’s an exposition-filled flashback involving a bunch of non-actors running around the Nevada desert in costumes. It’s wonderfully stupid all the way up till its climatic monster showdown. Line delivery somewhere beyond head trauma, a hypnotic ring and a lulling lounge-jazz score add to the oddball charm. It’s bottom-of-the-barrel cinema but this barrel happens to be filled to the brim with rainbows and whiskey.
