Creep 2 (2017) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

In 2014 Patrick Brice and Mark Duplass let loose a fascinating and darkly comic found footage flick concerning the demented game a predator plays with his prey. It was a lean and mean bit of intrigue anchored completely by Duplass bringing his A-game as a monster both charming and unsettling. This time out we follow a video artist named Sara as she journeys to a secluded house in the woods to answer an advertisement from a man who wants to get deep and uncomfortable. Sara’s projects are an exploration on lonely people who write online personal adds and when the man claims to be a serial killer, she’s way too intrigued to pass up the opportunity for a project promising to be this shocking… the views she’ll probably garner also has her silencing that voice of reason in her head. The man, Aaron (Duplass, thankfully reprising his role), offers to have her spend the day with him and we’ve seen from the opening act of murder that he’s facing a bit of a midlife crisis. He’s worried about his instincts and feels that he has lost something important. He’s very open about this right off the bat and Sara takes him up on his offer to not kill her (over the next 24 hours) and document his soul-bearing. She seems up for the challenge that this man is presenting, she also has her doubts about his claims of being the most prominent serial killer the world has never heard of. It’s a dangerous game she begins playing when she plans on using provocation to get what she needs from her subject and her subject may have plans of his own. Since we already know exactly what Aaron is the movie needed another angle to keep us on our toes and they killed it with the addition of Desiree Akhavan’s Sara who seems to be successfully tangoing with a man who is way more familiar leading the dance. An incredibly worthy follow up to an unexpected found footage masterpiece that maintains the same level of discomfort and pitch-black comedy. Impressive to say the least. Followed by a fascinating series (still ongoing at the point of this writing) which has allowed for this character to gain depth in a completely natural way.

Cursed Cliffs (2020) (USA)

⭐️

Floridian paranormal investigators have to deal with more than the fact that they’re from Florida when they investigate some local areas of infamy. The so-called “Spirit Box” gets abused as a bunch of awkward people with nothing better to do look to make a connection with the past. “Intense” music and cuts to “spooky” images you’d find in a goth high-schooler’s search history are thrown in while grown-ass men talk to a speaker spewing distorted noises. There’s a psychic who talks about a train accident, some white dude who rambles on about cliffs being cursed, a criminal justice professional who straggles behind and makes some pretty big assumptions about a discarded pitchfork possibly left behind for city workers to use but “most likely” a murder weapon because that’s way more interesting than facts. It’s pretty much every ghost hunting show you’ve ever seen but without the charm or production budget.

Deadly Manor (1990) (Spain)

aka Savage Lust 

⭐️⭐️

Youthful idiots decide breaking into a decrepit mansion in the middle of the woods is the best course of action following a delay in their camping trip to a lake. Immediately they come across a bizarre shrine near the house, displaying a wrecked car with a portrait of a woman in the passenger seat along with her clothes and matching blood stains. One amongst them, Helen, warns that she sees someone in the house and has some bad vibes. Whereas us normal folks would have just moved on from the location, this group of dimwits ignore the disturbing lawn ornament and their friend’s warning and make themselves at home. Helen marches off, trusting her gut… she immediately runs into someone and is murdered. Ooops! The others come across some coffins in the cellar, more photos of the same woman and most disturbingly… a closet full of human scalps. Yet, they decide the rain outside is worse and they manage to convince themselves they’ll be fine spending the night. After about an hour of nothing combined with dull mystery, a masked and disfigured female shows up and slowly gets around to murdering. José Ramón Larraz rubs his stank over everything and works with a cast of heroes about as interesting as unsalted crackers. Outside of some inspired bits, the lethargic performances, monotonous action and a severe lack of thrills equates to what amounts to the director shrugging and calling it a day. It’s so lame, it’s close to being endearing… close.

Deadfall (2000) (USA)

aka Box of Doom/The Dark Hours 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Four lovable goofs accidentally unleash a horrific evil from an antique box during a vacation at a family cabin. Possession, insanity and a bit of money restrained splatter occurs. More homage than ripoff (you can tell there is a lot of love as opposed to a means to make a few bucks) of The Evil Dead, it still falters due to the unavoidable comparisons. Deadfall comes off a bit stilted and lacking the manic energy needed to become more than a meandering shadow. Still, the cast is likable from the oddly alluring Kirstin Leigh to the Jack McBrayer-looking hero and there are a few moments of beautiful innovation (the death by leaves being a personal favorite). It’s fun but your enjoyment depends on your stomach for low-budget limitations/imitations.

American Conjuring (2016) (Canada)

aka Bind 

⭐️

A family of idiots doesn’t recognize the paranormal dangers of moving into an abandoned orphanage and to the surprise of nobody, encounter a malevolent force. A pre-credits flashback to 2004 lets us see that one of the orphans was bullied by a bunch of little pieces of shit and there was already a little poltergeist activity going down in the place before a dare in the building’s basement ended with a spectral encounter and the disappearance of the bullied girl. The pack of bitchy children that dared her keep their mouths shut and don’t let the orphanage operator know where the birthday girl went. She comes back from her basement trip acting a little off and murders the trio of awful children as the decaying-ass spirit watches on approvingly from an orphanage window. Four years later, the murderer kills herself after claiming it was the fault of the ghost of the original homeowner (a rumored child killer). A journalist delivers most of this because it’s much easier than showing the interesting bits or even discovering it naturally. And now we’re all caught up as the goober father, mildly attractive mother, moody teenage daughter, younger daughter and (only likable character) Chloe, the family mutt, arrive at their new home. Papa Ben plans on utilizing the new location’s quiet to write a novel and teenage Zoe plans on utilizing the stress of the move to get under her mother’s skin and annoy the hell out of her stepfather. The littlest daughter sees the ugly-ass ghost before even entering the house and, to add to the disquiet, the woman who ran the orphanage stops by to warn them about the tragedies that happened in the home’s past. Teddy, the dumbass who sold them the house, flips out on her and threatens to call the police. There’s practically a giant flashing sign in front of the place that screams “STAY THE FUCK OUT!” so it’s a little hard to feel any sympathy for these idiots. Furniture moves, the giggles of phantom children can be heard in the shadows, arguments erupt, wood is chopped whilst shirtless (Ryan Reynolds this ain’t), wheezing POV stalks the place, doors open on their own, grubs get thrown up, Dad becomes a real prick, the youngest obviously gets herself possessed and everyone is miserable. Sure, all of the characters (and actors portraying them) are ass but the supernatural protagonist is someone rocking heavy prosthetics and makeup… so I’m good with that trade off. That’s the one good thing, so do not take this as an endorsement because everything else about this is varying degrees of butt. Think the Amityville remake but handled by someone who fell down the stairs and hit their head on every step.

Baby Oopsie (2021) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A bullied doll collector finds her only solace in restoring antique dolls (she also films a weirdo internet show where she plays with her little friends). Sybil is meek and mild-mannered which makes her a perfect target for shit-head neighborhood kids, ass-bag coworkers, her wretched boss and her abusive stepmother. But when she restores the demonic and ass-ugly Baby Oopsie doll, the violent fantasies where she dishes out some demented means of justice become a horrific reality. She’s got some good people in her life, a kind boarder who encourages her, a creepy neighbor who likes her and some family friends who at least treat her like a human but the awful dipshits are the ones that leave a lasting impression on the woman who is slowly unraveling. She has trouble getting the doll up and talking again but with the mysterious arrival of a satanic pendant and the addition of said pendant to the creepy doll’s gears, the horrifying abomination is talkin’ and movin’. Sybil sees the terrible thing as her own baby (she’s very lonely and mentally disturbed) and when she falls asleep holding Baby Oopsie, the damn thing gets up to raise some hell. “You wanna fuck with my momma? Not so tough now are ya, fruit cake!” Killing and claiming souls for energy is its main reason for being but it also likes to speak its mind and make dumb, rude comments. It’s pretty hilarious. Sybil figures out pretty quick just what’s going on but the awful humans surrounding her make it easier than it should be to look the other way. Uh oh. Things go south when all the negative folks are slain and only the kind ones are left. Strangulation via phone charger, a lopped-off nose, a power drill to the temple, one hell of a “hang in there baby” sweater worn by my new favorite actress, abuse of the Full Moon library, a doll with a mini chainsaw, maniacal laughter (like… a lot of maniacal laughter), hilarious musical stings, bathtub dismemberment, acidic vomit and a laundry list of blissful idiocy keep the paper-thin story rolling. Libbie Higgins steals the show as Sybil Pittman and delivers something that will hopefully go down in trash film history as unhinged perfection. We’re talkin’ Priscilla Alden notoriety here. It’s Full Moon z-grade crap but way better than a lot of the no-effort z-grade crap the company has released.

The Unseen (1980) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A friendly but undoubtedly creepy museum owner invites a freelance reporter and her two friends/co-workers to stay at his house when the hotels and motels in the area are all booked for the local holiday parade. There’s more wrong than just a shady Sydney Lassick creepin’ on three lovely ladies, there is something awful lurking in the basement of the large farmhouse. This something has been cared for by Ernest and his awkward wife Virginia for the last twenty years and with all the excitement, it gets out and gets violent. Barbara Bach’s shitty ex shows up uninvited and looking to reconcile, one of their number goes missing while they’re out filming the festivities, another one bites it when she spills a fruit bowl and something grabs ahold of her scarf while she’s cleaning up and we learn the not-so-shocking secret of what’s lurking around the house, snatching people up through the vents. Mr. Lassick is wonderful at chewing the scenery, there’s a solid turn from Lelia Goldoni as the mentally troubled Virginia and the family history is the right level of icky but it never goes far enough. It’s oddball, so I still enjoyed it but it just feels a little too muted for its own good. Bach seems like she doesn’t really want to be there and the cutest lady dies first but it does get accidentally goofy when it shows it’s cards, and I can’t be mad at that.