The Tag-Along 2 (2017) (Taiwan)

aka The Haunted 2 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Li Shu-fen, a social services worker, finds a little girl imprisoned in a creepy shrine room and inked up with sacred text during an emergency house call. They take the girl away but mother and daughter insist she is in some real danger if she doesn’t get back to the creepy little hole she calls home. Miss Li refuses and the shit hits the fan. Her teenage (and pregnant) daughter goes missing shortly after mom insists she have an abortion. She pays a visit to the boyfriend and discovers he hasn’t seen her in weeks. Panic sets in and she finally reports the young girl missing. There’s some video footage of her wandering off but more importantly it shows her being led by a familiar creepy-ass little girl in red. The girl’s boyfriend is some hot-shit in a mountain clan called Master Tiger and he uses his spiritual tiger powers to track the girl. Mr. Hot Shit senses they are on some dangerous ground when he tracks his special-lady-friend to some demon-occupied patch of forest. They don’t find the missing girl but they do find our hero from the last film, looking like she’s been living in the wild for a few years and very pregnant. She seems to snap back into reality when Miss Li confronts her mid-worm-eating and she rightfully freaks the fuck out. Her baby is stillborn as paramedics rush her to the hospital and she soon learns her husband and his grandma are also dead as fuck. So, she’s had some pretty shitty luck since the last entry. Miss Li lets Shen stay with her and learns about all the supernatural shenanigans going on and why they best get to finding her missing child before more awfulness can go down. This will bring us back to that supposedly abusive mother from the opening because she has a harness on what protections are needed against that familiar red-coated boogeygirl that’s causing all sorts of malevolent hijinks. The lady trio head to the mountains and not everyone will be making it home. Dead kids, grandpa possession, an abandoned amusement park, a healthy heaping of abortions, questionable cgi, a weretiger and the origin of this particular evil add to the surprisingly cathartic bit of supernatural ridiculousness.

The House of Clocks (1989) (Italy)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A trio of youthful scumbags break into a remote villa and manage to murder the eccentric elderly psychopaths who call the place home. They also kill a one-eyed Al Cliver when he tries to stop the robbery but homicide is the least troubling thing on the trio’s plate because boy-oh-boy did they hit the wrong fucking house. It would seem there’s a bit of the supernatural going on in the place and time could give two fucks about the rules it should follow. The clocks run backward, the “youngsters” get trapped inside, the dead come back to life and the poor saps who chose a life of crime begin meeting a grisly end by the hands of their victims. Latter-day Fulci doesn’t fuck around with distractions like sensical storytelling and still isn’t afraid to lay on the splatter. Filmed for Italian television but deemed too gory, it got its goofy-ass released straight to video. It’s an interesting idea with a cast of characters that all pretty much deserve what’s coming to them. Fulci may have lost a step by this point but he rarely shat the bed (fuck you, Sodoma’s Ghost) and this one is still a fine time.

Alucarda (1977) (Mexico)

aka Sisters of Satan/Innocents from Hell/Mark of the Devil Part 3 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Freshly orphaned teenager, Justine, arrives at a convent and befriends a girl by the name of Alucarda who has been raised at the joint since she was a baby. Alucarda may be a little off but she’s about to get stranger. After an encounter with a gypsy in a nearby forest, a satanic influence starts rearing its ugly head, throwing the quiet world of the holy place into pure chaos. Alucarda seems to get a little obsessive in her friendship with Justine and even manages to get Justine to make a suicide pact. The desecration of a grave appears to unleash something and further bend the fragile mind of Alucarda. That gypsy was definitely Satan and teenage blasphemy proves to be more than just raging hormones. The holy folks know a possession when they see one but the levelheaded Dr. Oszek isn’t convinced the supernatural is at play. A blood-drenched and flaming-nun-filled finale will put an end to any doubts, not that it shows the church to be anywhere near heroic or sane. The cave-like convent is an impressive setting, adding to the thick layer of unavoidable dread pulsating throughout the runtime and some of the visuals still hold a surprising amount of disturbing power. The gorgeous Susana Kamini may look to be in her 30s but still manages to pull off innocence as Justine, she’s also a sight to behold covered in blood, wearing nothing but a sadistic smile during the climactic crimson resurrection. Tina Romero goes a little overboard as Alucarda not necessarily successful in pulling off insanity tainted by sadism but we’ll give her a pass thanks to the quality of the film she’s surrounded by. An undervalued world cinema classic from Juan Lopez Mocetzuma.

Boa (2001) (USA)

aka New Alcatraz 

⭐️⭐️1/2

A secret super-max prison located in Antarctica becomes the site of some monstrous misfortune when their mining operations unleash a giant boa constrictor from a strange rock formation located in the ice. The giant serpent kills a few people and the military brings in Dean Cain, (I’m sure he has a character name but I’m just gonna assume it’s Dean Cain) a professor of paleontology. Ya see, he and his wife have a theory that there were plenty of undiscovered reptiles that called Antarctica home when it was a tropical environment way back when. They arrive and immediately meet up with the hard-ass warden (Craig Wasson) and his team of guards. The snake makes short work of the soldiers and security staff, so the scientist and the warden release the small amount of prisoners (having just begun operations) to assist in getting the hell out of the compound. Poor decisions are made and more folks end up snake food. Mark Sheppard shows up as the Chechen defense minister who made the mistake of buying some nuclear arms and got himself incarcerated and Dana Ashbrook pops in as a hacker. A solid cast and a goofy climax make for some fun viewing.

The Quachita Beast Incident (2023) (USA)

⭐️

Sometime around 1990, an elderly hiker encounters Bigfoot in the remote wilds of Arkansas. We get to join along with two senior dudes wandering through the woods, ad-libbing what I can only call “honest to God old man chit chat but stilted because they know they’re in a film so it comes off as the most boring natural dialogue delivered in the most unnatural way” and obviously waiting on direction when new scenes start. After a butt-numbing opening involving all of that lethargy, something begins staking the two grandpas. They split up to try different trails and we stick with the one who is more senile. Yay. Thirty minutes in we get some excitement when candy goes missing but we’re able to catch our breath right after as more hiking happens. I’m not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to harness the “excitement” one would expect from a boring hike with your grandpa as he repeats himself and grows slightly more and more frustrated with the situation he’s in. But here we are. I don’t know who this is for. Is there a person out there who wants to watch somebody figure out map directions in real time as he groans and eats candy? I’m sorry if you are that person, but I don’t want to know you. Further “thrills” include multiple shots of Bigfoot’s hairy arm and hand pushing away branches to spy on our protagonist, an achy old man setting up his camp (in REAL TIME!), some animal howls, the comforting chorus of crickets, a ratty-ass costume serving as our creeping cryptid and the beautiful Arkansas wilderness reminding us that some spots in the American south sure are purdy.

Dead Girls (1990) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

When her sister attempts suicide after listening to her band’s music (No, they’re not that bad!), Gina decides to bring her along with the band for a two-week retreat at her family’s isolated cabin (at least I hope they’re not that bad, that would be a harsh punishment for someone who hated your music so much they decided it was just easier to end things than change the radio station). Sure enough, the “death rock” band is picked off one after another by a fedora and bulky-skull-mask-wearing slasher. The killer is knocking them off using methods found within their songs and leaving the lyrics to taunt the remaining band members. One hell of an awful script fuses perfectly with some piss-poor acting and should bring a smile to any trashfiend’s face. Some underdeveloped psychic shenanigans, a mentally retarded handyman (because the handymen in horror flicks are always mentally challenged) named Elmo, an icky brother and sister band mate/lover combo, a couple mustaches, a religious nut who looks like Trey Parker, the least arousing oiling of a sunbather I have ever witnessed and a crush-inducing bassist with a weapon obsession named Nancy Napalm are all featured in this wonderful garbage slasher flick. If you’re a trash hound, seek it out. Serious film fans should probably steer clear.

Nagai Go no Horror Gekijo: Kirikagami (1992) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️

A small theater troupe unleash a glowing-eyed samurai entity and it begins picking ‘em off. Some characters turn on each other and there’s a lot of dialogue with no subtitles, so I have no idea why anything was happening. There’s a mysterious fog rolling around the building the troupe calls home and some cheapjack violence momentarily distracts.