⭐️⭐️
One of the world’s most prolific serial killers escapes from the clinic he is housed in and returns to the old homestead where he murdered his family supposedly after The Wicked One entered his body. This is unfortunate for the group of 30-something “youths” staying at an old family farmhouse during a Halloween weekend getaway. They wind up in the path of said super killer because the family farmhouse shares the same property where Colin (lol) aka The Wicked One (THAT’S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!) killed his kinfolk. The killer’s elderly doctor is also on his trail. This all sounds pretty familiar, don’t it? Drama gets added when main girl Alex’s mopey/asshole brother, Trevor, joins them (he needed a lift) and pretty much ruins everyone’s time. Colin throws on your standard “spooky” scarecrow mask he finds whilst he wanders around the area and murders random folks he comes across on his journeys. This is sounding so damn familiar. After some boringness that could be loosely described as character development, Colin… ahem… The Wicked One finally shows up to do the usual thing that masked psychopaths do. People separate for reasons and end up dead. Now I know I’ve seen this somewhere before. So yeah, they kind of remade Rob Zombie’s Halloween films but took out any aspect that made them at least somewhat interesting and threw a Spirit Halloween scarecrow mask on a dude whose beard cannot be contained within it. It’s your standard indie feature: extended scenes that don’t need to be there, actors trying their damndest, a bar concert (trust me, I’m surprised at how many bands populated with a filmmaker’s friends I have seen since the late 80s), an inability to portray thrilling action sequences and violence that really wants to be special but just can’t because budgets are a real son of a bitch sometimes. It’s not insultingly bad or anything and the killer does briefly show up on horseback but I’ll probably never watch it again.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Cryptozoologist, David Gates, looks into the mass disappearance of a small town for a producer who has just green-lit the filming of four episodes for a program concerning the hunt for supernatural phenomena. His investigation uncovers some disturbing secrets and, even worse, unleashes a cosmic nightmare on himself and his cameraman. His mind already on some shaky ground, David’s producer sends him to film an exorcism in New Jersey… something way out of David’s realm of comfort. He does it despite his reservations and shit gets bad when whatever evil presence that festers inside the young girl murders the exorcist and sends David and his cameraman fleeing. David’s health starts deteriorating and a biological nightmare emerges, all tied into that horror incubating in the isolated small town they explored. Of course, there’s evil machinations afoot and our two heroes are thrown smack-dab into the middle of something they can’t even fathom. Blood and other fluids mix in with slime, flesh and tentacles, a hitman gets involved and everything goes to hell. Micro-budgeted nightmare from Brian Paulin (Reap of Evil, Bone Sickness) suffers from the usual less-than-convincing performances and plot-advancing idiotic behavior but cranks up the spookiness, sound design and ick factor to distract from the constraints. Eldritch horror slips comfortably into disgusting body horror brought to life by some impressive and some not-so-impressive effects work. The issue remains, the plot pretty much exists to showcase the SFX craftwork so any lasting power the film could have had is diminished for the sake of splatter. Which is a shame, because the story has seeds of interest and further development could have made this an underground classic.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Three youthful chickadees make their way to a music festival and crash their car on some rural backroads in the middle of nowhere. They wake up in the home of Marion Penrose under the care of the stern-looking woman and a local Jack-of-all-trades who looks like someone who should be in a Nick Millard film. Marion assures the young girls that they shall be meeting “mother” later as the downpour is making it impossible for them to walk the handful of miles necessary to get to the closest town. The lack of phones in the house also makes it impossible for the girls to call their parents and the heavy rain has made the one road out impossible to use. Added to that, one of their number is bedridden thanks to the accident. So, it’s creepy meals with Marion and her bitchy wheelchair-bound mother. Mother has hang-ups when it comes to her daughter’s supposed promiscuous lifestyle (I’m not seeing it) and it may have something to do with how much attention Marion’s father paid to female children. Yes. The personal rot goes deep in this house. There’s a bulky homeless dude and his creep-stache stalking around outside in the rain, ogling the young ladies like a pervert in a Nick Millard flick. The young girls talk some mad shit about their hosts and express how creepy everything is. They’re not wrong but maybe cut back on the shit talk or at least whisper it like a normal person. That first night has one of the girls is woken up by what sounds like someone masturbating and that seems like the favorite pastime of that mustachioed creep that’s been hanging around. One of the gals decides to try her luck walking through the woods to town so they can get in contact with one of their parents (of course they shower first as someone watches from a peephole and moans). They let Marion know and then the brunette sets off through the woods and is slaughtered by someone wielding a scythe. It’s quick and nasty and works way better than it should. This leaves the blonde to talk with Marion about her family history, the bruised friend in bed to not do much, handyman Norm to tinker around the property looking like Dave Thomas cosplaying as Eugene Levy and mother to act awful and carry on with her man-hating ways. Marion plays piano, an establishing shot of the rain-swept house gets abused, there’s a shed that’s off limits and heavy breathing in the dead of night. It’s all accompanied by a low-effort but fucking awesome electronic score and the slightly dull and hazy performances only enhance the oddness of the whole damn thing. The violence is rare and brief but it hits pretty hard when it goes down and a natural atmosphere is prevalent thanks to the amateur blood pumping through its kinda-slasher veins. A suitable ending serves this one up as a downbeat oddity (from Ohio!) well-worth tracking down.
1/2
Wretched garbage plays itself up to be a purposefully bad movie but lacks any bit of entertainment and just becomes a test of endurance for anyone unfortunate enough to see it. The opening features some asshole going on about how awful the director Roger Franco is. This goes on for nearly six fucking minutes. The opening credits are over a poorly dubbed performance by some punk band taking place in someone’s tiny living room. Digital effects that belong in a Star Wars game made for Windows 95 (in fact, I believe I saw a TIE Fighter in there) bring an invasion of Jason Voorheeses to earth. This goes on while Roger Franco films his next god-awful movie. Meta humor, the rape of a man in a monkey mask, the skull fucking of baby’s corpse (don’t worry, it’s clearly plastic) and homophobia make for one hard trek that just keeps going. Eventually the Jasons hit the movie set and we know the film is about to run out of time. One of the longest hours I have ever had to endure. This movie can go fuck itself.
aka Nightmare House/Cries of Terror/Heartbeat/Dark Motel
⭐️⭐️1/2
With his wife’s health faltering, Paul (Naschy) brings her to his ancestral home so she can recover. This being a Naschy film, his ancestor was a right bastard shown in the opening slaughtering his buck-naked wife for being unfaithful. Dude’s name was Alaric de Marnad… he was destined to be an awful human. Afterwards, he killed the children that weren’t his and got to practicing witchcraft with a side of Devil worship. But that was centuries ago, that can’t bring any danger in the present… right? Especially to a sick woman with a weak heart. Right? Come on. Geneviéve begins seeing things and it looks like the angry spirit of her husband’s ancestor is hanging around the home, looking to carry on with his violent activities. Before they even arrive, Paul has to go walk to town to get gas, leaving his wife with the car. Bandits (there’s always bandits) almost have their way with her but luckily Paul comes back in time to kick some bandit ass (he always kicks some bandit ass). So, this trip ain’t starting off that great. While this is going on the elderly housekeeper and her pretty niece Julie talk about the house’s history and the incredibly awful human that once called it home. The niece and Paul exchange some smoldering looks when he arrives. That’s probably important. Paul heads to Paris on business for a couple of days and that’s the perfect time for the ghost knight to make his presence felt. This causes an episode and necessitates Paul’s quick return from Paris. Although, nobody believes the woman actually saw the ghost standing in her door. Is she insane? No. Obviously not. But is it an actual haunting? Well, you know the extreme lengths scumbags will take their gaslighting to in horror films… especially Euro-horror but that doesn’t necessarily mean the veil has not been pierced. A familiar plot benefits from the presence of Paul Naschy and a few bits of nastiness but it doesn’t really offer up too many thrills in its first hour. Impressively throwing out its reveal much earlier than expected and giving us a final third worth our time.
⭐️1/2
After work drinks are had in the comfort of home by a married couple and the wife’s sister. These folks look like the grim reality of actual swingers in the eighties. The next day, mustachioed Bob heads to work, refusing an offer of breakfast from his wife. We join the wife’s sister at home, complaining about being tired and getting ready for a nap. She’s knocked unconscious by Bob and tied up. That Bob, he’s a rascal. He drags the bound woman (who seems to be trying pretty hard not to laugh) away and then returns home to peep on his wife. He then beats her into unconsciousness and stuffs her in the trunk of his car. She too gets tied up. I’m reminded of the Always Sunny blooper with Dennis Reynolds shouting “FETISH SHIT!”. Anyways, Bob has both of these gals tied up in a dank basement or dungeon I guess if you’re on a very tight budget. Smacks, punches and strangulation (thankfully as far from convincing as possible) follows. Bob stabs his wife and shoots his sister-in-law when she tries to escape… I guess his knot tying ain’t great which can’t be good when your sexual hangups are so specific to knots. BUT IT’S ALL A DREAM! Bob’s wife wakes up screaming and he comforts her. Her sister Ann has the same nightmare but creepy Bob ain’t there to comfort her which is probably for the best. Now she definitely has a bad vibe about her brother-in-law and even without the nightmare I would too. Dude looks like he gets his kicks diddling kids. The sisters go shopping and Bob spikes the wine they have in the fridge. That night, Bob ends up knocking out the girls again, I don’t know if the drug worked because he has to use his fists again and it’s back to the makeshift dungeon but this time there’s a hefty dude there with a mustache that ain’t as impressive as Bob’s but is far less creepy. The gals are tied up, beaten and abused again and the viewers patience is stretched. The two men cleanup after the murders and… IT WAS ALL A DREAM! Fuck. I don’t think you need me to tell you what happens the next night. After forty-five minutes of the same shit, it’s revealed what Bob is up to and I stand by my earlier statement that he’s a real rascal. Ann also has a nightmare about being stabbed in a dungeon by some dude who looks like he has plenty of candy in his car to aid with his children luring. We then get repeated footage because there’s only so much money one can set aside for fake blood and free time. It’s more W.A.V.E. banality that doesn’t even have the luxury of a crappy Halloween mask or a set of plastic vampire teeth. Bob is a true blessing to the pantheon of trash film performers. The man moves like he threw out his back every day for the last thirty years and also never quite learned how to move around like a human. He also seems like he’d much rather be banging that midwest-thick boy his nightmare self is teaming up with. The ineptitude is sometimes charming and the amount of double crossing is hilarious but get ready to fast forward as much as you can.
aka Camp Blood III 3D
⭐️
Mark Polonia takes the wheel for this third official (Within the Woods supposedly doesn’t count) outing in the Camp Blood series after more than a decade has passed. A class assignment sends a group of students into the infamous Camp Blood woods to debunk all them nasty legends of the killer clown. The opening interviews (featuring Mark and his son) let us know that people either think it’s bullshit, think it’s dangerous or don’t really want to talk about it. Interspersed are scenes of a lumbering dope in a cheap clown mask brandishing a big ol’ machete. Said dope is seen stalking a young couple but then gets his head chopped off by some other dope in a sillier mask and camouflage. This dope (also carrying a machete) takes out the two folks who were being stalked by the other idiot. Cheap digital blood splatter accompanies the low-rent gore (provided by Mark’s son)… it’s a Polonia film from after 2010, I’m just happy he’s still making movies. The six students of the urban legends class are in week four and have gotten onto the Camp Blood clown portion of their studies. They disagree over how true the story is and watch some food footage. Yes, watching people watch annoying found footage is just as exciting as it sounds. It ends in murder by clown and it’s not all that convincing. The students still disagree and the professor sends them out to Camp Blood to investigate and earn some extra credit points. The killer deals out death to some random folks including a man who should not be allowed to chop wood and a janitor provides a jump-scare to the professor (who looks really good in purple, some people just really pull that color off). There’s also the extended (ass-numbing) stalking of one of the female students with POV accompanied by heavy breathing. It’s just a dream so that’s a waste of time. Polonia regular Jeff Kirkendall shows up to warn one of the girls about Camp Blood when she arrives solo and he creeps her out enough to have her decide to just enter the woods on her lonesome. She doesn’t make it and then we get flashes of the rest of the cast dying. The killer attaches a camera to the silly mask and a brief news report about the missing college students happens. It’s three months later, a local finds a bloody skull and a bag of media equipment. So, a found footage Camp Blood flick is what we get spliced together from several devices including the killer’s head camera which means we get plenty of heavy breathing over footage of people walking and being annoying. You’re killing me here, Mark. One of the college kids shares the legend of Frank who was a killer before the clown and then he plays guitar and sings. Maaaaark. Please, for the love of God! I love you like a brother but this movie is dragging ass. Lame death finally comes to multiple idiots and this is one slasher flick without much effort. There’s not much Polonia magic on display and it feels like maybe Mark just didn’t have any enthusiasm about this bad boy. It’s not a complete waste (the purple sweater is quite fetching and the killer reveal is hilariously performed) but if you decided to just nap through this you may be better off.
