⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The crisp Muzak playing over the aerial-set opening credits had me questioning if I had fallen asleep and woken up in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room located somewhere on an early-90’s soap opera. The two men killed by arrows whilst working on a development project in the mountains lets me know that no, I am in fact here on planet trash. Marital drama between a sloppy large man and his elderly wife leads to a tree-climbing flashback. The young man who is now a much larger man falls from the tree and breaks his arm but when his pissed off dad gets angry at the tree, the boy refuses to blame the tree. Ok. Where the fuck am I? Another dude chopping down trees for the sake of development is murdered. A man with a sword and a woman with a crossbow are to blame. Enter a dopey forest ranger (looking like a DJ Qualls prototype) talking to his horse for COMEDY. Boardroom action hits with stiff delivery of government jargon and some slight sleaziness. Why they’re having this meeting in the dark with one light gel-capped to look like a nightmare scene from a very cheap Freddy’s Nightmares episode I cannot say. I just know the crabby business-head in a wheelchair is up to no good. So many aerial shots. In comes a journalist who would like a story more worthy of her talents than fashion nonsense. Mountain murders are pretty big time. Her hair is stellar. Missing workers has the development crews getting nervous, the extreme environmentalists look like catalogue models cosplaying as survivalists, that beefy lawyer with marital problems is trying unsuccessfully to get an injunction placed on the development, the main corporate stooge definitely smells like hair gel and his blonde super-secretary is hawt in a cigarette-blanketed dive bar kind of way. Lawyer man’s flashbacks to caring about nature seemed to have all been shot right before a bad storm rolled in. His daughter is worried about him. Aerial shots! Corporate coverups! And my favorite journalist sports one hell of an “interesting” hat. All these characters will come together in the mountains and it will come to a head in the most lethargic way imaginable. If the acting class that gave us Blood Cult decided to bless the world with a braindead environmental message hidden in a bodycount flick that forgets it’s a bodycount flick halfway through, you would have Mountain Fury. That’s just a fancy way of saying this is my kind of anti-entertainment. It’s an action/thriller hybrid shot through a thick pool of molasses and featuring neither action nor thrills. Windbreakers, questionable comedy “Lenny! Hold that bake-off story. This is BIIIIIIIIIG.”, endless dialogue to match the constant aerial footage (hey, you did rent the helicopter, might as well make it worth the money), a local bar that is my kind of watering hole makes a cameo, weekend warrior hijinks serve as extensive training, the leader of the dangerous environmentalists goes out like a complete chump and that Canadian “aboot” blesses my ears frequently. “Listen kid, ya got your mother’s looks but your father’s balls.” Amen.
aka Slasher/The Sorority House Murders
⭐️⭐️⭐️
It may directly lie to your face with its claims of being the first SOV horror film with an eye strictly towards the home video market but thats what we’d expect from our derpy little cheapskate friend. He may be a rapscallion and lack a few morals here and there, but we know his heart is in the right place. Also, he may just be a little too dim to have any malicious intentions. Now there’s no denying Blood Cult’s importance in the pantheon of lo-fi splatter but has it really stood the test of time? Well, it hasn’t stood the test of time as much as it just begrudgingly refused to move because it couldn’t be bothered to fucking do so. Elderly co-eds are getting their asses murdered and their limbs are getting taken in and around a central Oklahoma college. The only hint at the culprit are gold medallions left behind on the bodies. On the case is senator-to-be sheriff Ron Wilbois as he brings a certain geriatric charm to his investigation of the murders. His daughter Tina (she who works at the college library) and her head of possibly sentient hair helps out as an “old witch cult” carries on with its slayings. There’s a vast conspiracy in the works and our hero Ron may not be coming out of this case in one piece. Hitting you with the pace of a coupon-loaded grandmother on a Sunday supermarket stroll, the drag of this flick is almost impressive. It’s slow-going and doesn’t seem to care that you’d like something… anything to happen. Even while something is happening… does that make sense? What I’m saying is, it somehow even fails to invoke tension in its scenes where it’s presenting the slasher goods. Like I said, it’s oddly impressive. It’s not all on the cast whose performances range from dead-eyed check-out counter girl reading a receipt for fun to grandfather telling a scary story to his grandson but not really wanting to make it too scary but they do help slow things down. Ron narrates like he’s reminiscing about an uneventful vacation to the Finger Lakes, dialogue is bumbled yet the film insists that there needs to be a whole bunch of talkin’, the world’s least-convincing victim is bludgeoned with a severed head, there’s a bunch of talk about the election coming up, Arby’s is enjoyed, the most nauseating scene concerns Tina making out with her boyfriend who looks like he’s cosplaying Fabio from Giallo in Venice if he were played by Ted Raimi in the reincarnated form of an evil Puritan minister and everything is weirdly cozy for something focused on the graphic collecting of severed limbs for occult activity. It’s a slasher film that’s the equivalent of a rainy Friday at your grandparents’ house and I really wouldn’t change anything about it.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
An American ballet student arrives at a prestigious German dance school and it does not take long for some supernatural malevolence to upend everything. Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper bringing a perfect level of innocence to her role) is dragged down into a horrifying pit of impossible horror as the paranormal presence festering within the school brings about brutal ends to those unfortunate to be in its way and works to its sinister goals. Suzy seems heavily affected almost as soon as she begins her studies in the Art Nouveau/German Expressionism geometrical nightmare she calls a school. It ties into the location’s history with a dangerous coven and the horrifying folklore of “The Three Mothers”. Is it flawed? Of course it is but if you’re going into an Argento film (not even focusing on it being a supernatural outing of his) concerned about a depth in character motivation then I’m sorry, but you’re the fucking problem. A gorgeous experience thanks to Luciano Tovoli’s breathtaking cinematography combining with a stellar art and design department earning their paycheck and containing some truly visceral set pieces along with a level of uncanny horror that’s still impressive nearly fifty years on. Goblin’s wonderfully abrasive soundtrack is pure nightmare fuel that resembles an electronic score performed by the most violent inmates at a local insane asylum made exclusively to be played at the funeral of a Romanian sadist. Maggots rain from the ceiling, a seeing eye dog attacks its master and Udo fuckin’s Kier shows up to share some history and introduce our hero to an expert on witchcraft. The story takes a backseat to the instability of the whole situation and I love every minute of it.
aka Prime Evil
⭐️⭐️1/2
Decades ago, in the Romanian Carpathians, an illegal expedition in an abandoned mountainside church (suspected to be built over the entrance to an extensive cave system) causes a landslide and the supposed deaths of every man there. Now, a scientific team uncover an underwater cave system while excavating the area and call in a respected and cutting-edge cave diving team (run by the always welcome Cole Hauser) to assist. Dr. Nicolai and his associate Dr. Jennings (hell yes, her majesty Lena Headey) will joint the group as they explore and document the untouched ecosystem. Things go wrong when a violent species unknown to man begins to make its presence known and even more dangerous is the parasitic life form behind all of the unpleasantness. I mean, of course the Templar Knights built an isolated church over a cave to keep something away from the rest of the world, that’s just Horror 101. Our man Cole gets his handsome ass infected and we see the parasite get to work on transforming whatever biological host it inhabits into a carnivorous monster or in his case, a convenient super hero. A fate which befell those folks all them decades ago (they’re now the winged creatures who reminded me of the creature from Graveyard Shift just less impressive) and even further back inspired all them stories about those Templar dopes fighting monsters. Anyways, our heroes have also managed to get themselves trapped so they need to find another way out which, naturally, forces them deeper into the caves and deeper into enemy territory. A solid cast (sexy Piper Perabo, sexier Morris Chestnut, Daniel Dae Kim and Eddie Cibrian join in on the hijinks) adds some class to the silly survivalist/monster nightmare. As usual, human ego, inhuman appetites and general agitation make up the drama but the script is pretty humdrum and lets down the effort and setting. Still not a bad way to spend a rainy afternoon.
aka Tales of Terror/Terror of the Doll
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Karen Black was a powerhouse. A completely unique performer and a boon to anything she graced with her presence. There’s no but here, I just wanted that made abundantly clear… I am a huge fan of the woman. So, we get her throwing down on three performances (technically four) in this television anthology from Dan Curtis, so I’m just as happy as a clam. The first two tales are somewhat standard pablum anchored by Black but that final bit of macabre is a well-regarded bit of horror history. Julie finds the irreplaceable Karen Black as a “Plain Jane” English professor who gets caught in the crosshairs of a womanizing scuzzball student (aptly named Chad) looking to exploit her and use a combination of lies, drugs and manipulation to get her in a compromising position and bend her to his will. Chad believes there’s a vixen hiding under the frumpy shell of his professor… well, there is something hiding under her shell and it’s going to cost the douchebag his life… good. Millicent and Therese features the incomparable Karen Black as twin sisters. Spinster Millicent is convinced her twin Therese is evil as all hell. Claiming the sexually active Therese has partaken in murder and incest, Millicent attempts to convince her sister’s boyfriend and the family physician of Therese’s blasphemous ways. Making little headway, the repressed sister starts plotting to kill Therese before the evil grows out of hand. Although, it could be that insanity is rotting away Millie’s brain. Will Millicent be able to convince anyone else of the maliciousness taking root or is she running out of time? Perhaps the obviously blonde wig Therese sports is obvious for a reason? What the hell is going on here? Finally we reach Amelia where our humble-fabulous Karen Black goes up against one nasty and terrifying beast in the form of a Zuni warrior fetish doll (although her overbearing mother is also one hell of a threat) she’s picked up for her anthropologist boyfriend. The damn thing is possessed by the evil spirit of a Zuni warrior (obviously) and when a protective golden chain falls off of it (something she was warned against happening) it comes after her with violent determination. Solid casts make the first two predictable entries mildly enjoyable but even with Karen Black being her wonderful self, ya may find yourself dozing off from time to time. You’ve just seen it before, multiple times… even before ‘75. But that last entry is pure horror fun and features one hell of a gnarly villain. Helps that it’s adapted from Richard Matheson’s shorty story Prey so there’s a solid basis for the teleplay script. As I said, it’s Karen Black. She could read minutes of the GOP National Convention and I’d still rate it as above average. Her physical and dramatic abilities are given time to shine in the last outing as it’s a one-woman show (and a killer doll, of course) and Black shows just how talented she is. The worst of the three is at least watchable and it ends on an incredibly high note so this lands on the recommended list.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
A team of miners (lead by complete badass Roland), working at one of the most dangerous mines in all of France, are tasked with guiding a professor underground so he can gather “samples” 1000 meters down. A landslide hinders their original route out so they have to look for a new exit. The team discovers an ancient crypt that ties into an old tragedy/legend and draw the attention of a malevolent creature happy for a new food source when greediness leads to the opening of a sarcophagus. They come across the remains of the vanished miners from the legend and an incredibly disturbing warning written on the walls in blood. More discoveries lead to more disturbing history. Not a great start. The professor finally shares what he’s after but it’s going to be too late to do much of anything for most of the team and maybe even the world… that’s Lovecraftian horror for ya. Amazing set design engulfs the viewer in an atmospheric underground world where every shadow could harbor something sinister, adding more danger to an already incredibly dangerous profession. More importantly, every dam character feels well-lived in and doesn’t come off as just popping into this reality to be served up as meat for the beast. We also spend some time with them going about their normal work, which is a hell of a way to garner sympathy because this job fucking blows and it’s about to somehow get so much worse. Which brings us, most importantly, to the monstrous threat dwelling deep in the darkness. It’s one gnarly lookin’ creature that combines an otherworldly presence with something reminiscent of human biology. Its hands are fuckin’ stellar… I don’t know how else to go about explaining it, the extended digits and movements are just pure nightmare fuel. Lite digital effects, costume work and puppetry bring the beast to life and it adds a proper level of uncanniness to its movements. It’s the underground creature feature I always wanted. The film runs more than 100 minutes but I never felt it dragging thanks to the damn thing firing on all cylinders. I am just so damn happy the French dropped the grating “Extreme Horror” fascination and turned their eyes towards monster flicks. There’s still some nasty violence but it’s not the focus of the damn thing. Between this and Infested, this is a new wave of genre films I can get all the way behind.
aka Paranormal Investigations
⭐️⭐️
Carter Simms is a well-respected ghost hunter who gets in over her head when she takes part in a three-night investigation inside a house with a blood-drenched past. The 5,000 dollar pay day just doesn’t seem worth it when the evil residing within the walls begins to manifest. A cameraman, a weird church representative the homeowner has hired and a journalist are dragged down with her as everything goes to hell in a hand basket. The church lady is obviously hiding something and the flashbacks to the family murder from a few years back are incredibly intrusive and annoying. Cold spots get everything rolling and an abundance of night vision does it’s damndest to creep you out. The ghosts talk in reverse and it’s pretty damn hilarious. There’s a baby drowned in a tub, motor-mouthed narration, stiff acting, a whole lotta talkin’, line delivery on the opposite side of talent, spontaneous menstruation, surprise nudity, peaking specters, sexual perversions and a religious-themed helmet that belongs in hell. It’s mostly boring with minor touches of interest and it runs way too long. At least it tries to bring something a little different to the table.
