⭐️⭐️
Overlong Exorcist rip-off presents the same old story but this time in the found footage subgenre (although many of the shots make no sense in that aspect, so the film is not completely made up of the hand held single-person camera variety). A sixteen year old girl slips quickly from depression into demonic possession and an increasingly frustrated mother seeks help. Medical tests give her unsatisfactory answers and a psychiatrist begins to believe there’s more going on then he can explain as he watches supernatural shenanigans take place in the frightened family’s home. Eventually a priest gets involved but my patience had already worn well past the point of return. There’s some well-executed creep outs but most of the film comes off as a less than entertaining telenovela poorly acted and cornily scored. There’s a segment that goes for cheap shock as the doctor reads up on possession and scans over a bunch of gory pictures of corpses and surgery for what feels like forever. There’s also plenty of vomit, so if that’s your thing you may get more out of this than I did.
aka Three Dark Spirits
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vengeance is the name of the game when a young wood-cutter becomes the unwilling vessel for the spirit of a former servant named Chen Fu. After showing interest in Master Hung’s beautiful lute playing daughter, Hung sent his gang of six vicious bastards (including a “comically” effeminate psychopath, a circus-style strongman and a perverted dwarf) to kill Chen Fu and his completely innocent parents. Now, the possessed wood-cutter is on a path of supernatural vengeance and Master Hung is about to learn the paranormal is as real as it is dangerous. Wonderfully weird Eastern horror flick with possessed corpse fighting, urine to the face (at least it’s his own), a badass female exorcist, an unsettlingly filmed and suitably disturbing rape by ghost, two badass exorcisms filled with Kung-Fu and wire work, and a lovable pug named Lucky. The comedy is dumb enough to endear and the sound design is sinisterly menacing for the most part. If you love weirdo cinema from the Far East, you should be in heaven.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A student journalist (and new transfer) digs a little too deep into some missing women and becomes the target for a medieval-axe-wielding manic in a cool mask and a black robe. It may have something to do with the recently reinstated BDB fraternity’s rush week rituals or the death of the dean’s (David Norliss himself Roy Thinnes) daughter a few years back. Pranks and partying feature more than any mayhem and there’s a few red herrings hanging around to keep you on your toes. The BDB president falls for the journalist and acts a little too suspicious to actually be the killer. There’s the lack of splat synonymous with this era of slasher, some bewbs, a bunch of pledge butts, necrophilia, a scuzzy photo session, a creepy cafeteria chef, catchy tunes, Gregg Allman?!?, a creep-o called Morbid Mort, a completely likable lead in Pamela Ludwig, a “Beaver Canoe” sweater and a refreshing fleshing out of characters as opposed to stuffing the cast with meat set for butchering. It definitely lacks the excess that so many fans prefer in their slasher flicks but it’s more interesting than meddling and all anchored by a lead you actually give a damn about.
aka Jurassic Tiger/Prehistoric Tiger
⭐️⭐️1/2
Those big brains are at it again. Fossilized DNA allows scientists to genetically engineer a sabretooth tiger, brining it into the modern world. Growth hormones make it even more dangerous than it should be. Of course it escapes and of course people start dying, mainly a group of folks on a hiking training expedition through the mountainous wilds of San Bernardino. Super charming Josh Holloway (a couple years before Lost) is one of the pros on the hike and I’m a fan of that. Anyways, a transport accident is what frees the apex-predator. Shady businessman Anthony (my guy, John Rhys-Davies) sees dollar signs and head scientist Catherine (Vanessa Angel) sees a Nobel Peace Prize and fame with the top secret work they’ve been getting into. Which is why when a hunting party is formed, the two demand it be taken alive. A hard task for expert tracker Thatcher (David Keith being exactly what you’d expect him to be) who has been told it’s a lion by the scientist and the business tycoon and is forced to bring the unlikely team with him on the hunt. This allows them to put everyone’s life in danger as they attempt to cover their unethical tracks. A great cast will always be a boon to any movie but especially to these SyFY Channel monster flicks. Easier to overlook the rough humor and weak scripting. A “DANGER: HOTTIE” shirt makes an appearance as does an “extinction sucks” top. I like all my casual wear to have a message. There’s quick flashes of the beastie for most of the film and it’s a mix of the expected trash digital effects and some animatronic wonderfulness that should have been shown more.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Given one hell of an opportunity, a young music journalist in the year of our lord 1973 is set to profile the titular rock group who vanished right after their first album and, now that they’ve returned from hiatus, they just may be the next big thing. Like most 70’s rock bands, they have a pretty big secret but as opposed to underage groupies, bestiality, drug addiction and playful Devil worshipping, this band’s skeletons are stuffed in a closet deeper and darker than most. When questioning them on their hiatus, the usually playful group of musicians become standoffish and vague. There’s something strange going on but they also seem to aspire to actually make it big. Filming at a Hollywood Hills afterparty finds the enthusiastic journalist plunging headfirst and blind into a nightmare scenario and since this is the only footage left that explains just what went down, I don’t think she’ll be writing for Rolling Stone anytime soon. An incredibly fun found footage horror piece looks the part as best as it can and sketches enough information in its short runtime to make it a good time. Also, the character Steven looks like a young Michael Showalter, and that makes me happy.
aka Evil Island
⭐️⭐️1/2
A documentary crew sets up on a remote Filipino island looking to film an episode for one of those survivalist programs that exploded in popularity following the success of Survivor. Host Billy fuckin’ Zane (sadly not playing himself) and his crew realize something is very wrong when their laid-back production gets disrupted by something very dangerous in the jungle. Ya see, the lovable Southeast Asian spooker the Aswang calls the island home. If you’re not salivating at the thought of Billy Zane and Aswangs featuring in the same movie then I’m afraid you will find no joy in these pages and we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. Anyways, their Filipino guide knows a little more than he’s saying about the island, the local tribe has recently been slaughtered and eaten thanks to a pregnancy (Aswangs got a taste for babies in the womb, don’t ya know) and unfortunately one of the crew has just found out she too may be pregnant. The blood-drinking fiends hide out in the trees, attracted to the scent of unborn babies and have a fear of fire. There’s also a legend about them attempting to use a pregnant host to incubate their own spawn… Uh oh. There’s Japanese gold buried on the island but of course the cave leading to those riches is the dwelling of the Aswang. Zane gets bit, body parts fall from trees, wild dogs show up and the delightful rubbery Aswang costumes don’t get nearly enough screen time. Should be comfortable viewing for those undemanding SyFy creature feature fans of which I am a proud member.
⭐️1/2
Oh Lordy! Something running one minute over an hour should not drag this much ass. But it’s German SOV, so here we are. Jenny is plagued by nightmares involving skeletons in robes chasing her through some negative-tented dreamscape. She and four friends decide to take a beach vacation and shit slowly goes bad. The suicide of some random dude starts everything off and soon some folks start dying. A journal is discovered discussing a plot by six Nazis to assassinate Hitler, they were caught and Jenny’s grandfather signed off on their execution. A fog rolls in and brings the six teleporting and sword-wielding Nazi skeletons with it. The gore is (very) cheap digital, the action is almost nonexistent, and Andreas Schnaas shows up as a lighthouse keeper that delivers some important information about stolen Nazi gold.... at least I think. There were no subtitles and my German is iffy. You may get five or ten minutes of cheapjack enjoyment but not much else. I don’t know if the fog being squared is supposed to imply that it’s somehow foggier than John Carpenter’s classic but I can guarantee there’s far less fog in this cheap-ass German flick.
