21 Days (2014) (USA)

1/2

A paranormal challenge is taken up by three aspiring (and annoying) filmmakers which leads them to being barricaded in a house supposedly so haunted nobody has been able to take up residence there for more than twenty-one days. Former inhabitants are either dead, mentally unstable or unwilling to speak about things. Native American legend warns of a demon traveling through mirrors and the spot being right on top of a vortex where no human should ever roam. There’s dreamcatchers disturbingly placed on the ground, covered mirrors and creepy toys waiting for our trio of dipshits. Lame spookiness starts up, there’s a scythe that shows up in a closet, the morons start getting on each other’s nerves and they’ll be doing the same to you. Some of the acting is completely wretched and the ghostly entities that pop up are somewhere on the Casper end of the frightening spectrum. These dinks should have been murdered ten minutes in and saved us the trouble.

The Mummy (1999) (USA/UK/Morocco)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Rip roaring throwback kicks so much ass it hurts. The stellar cast brings it to a quick script that harkens back to a different time of escapism but an adventurous vibe that is pretty damn timeless. A couple English siblings (Rachel Weisz and John Hannah) get swept up into a mortally dangerous adventure when the brother swipes an Egyptian artifact from a displaced American. Within the antique is a map to the supposedly mythical Hamunaptra aka The City of the Dead. When their employer purposely burns off the location of the lost city, they track the American, Rick O’Connell, down to a prison in Cairo. His life on the line, said prisoner (Brendan Fraser) offers to take them to the dangerous place if they can get him out of his current pickle. Money talks and the next thing you know the group is off to find the treasure-filled location lost for generations. There’s a group of Americans lead by Rick’s former frenemy Beni (a scene-stealing Kevin J. O’Connor) also heading to Hamunaptra. Their curiosity and greed brings forth a shit-storm of biblical proportions when they awaken the ancient priest Imhotep who knew a little too much about some dark practices that could guarantee a longer than normal existence. Imhotep restores himself by feeding on the American explorers and gets right back to working towards raising his lost love from the dead, a plan that requires the beautiful Weisz as a sacrifice. It all comes to a climax in the mummy-filled tomb of Imhotep. There’s flesh-burrowing scarabs, casual racism, genuine laughs, various degrees of sex appeal and a level of charm you don’t often find in big Hollywood productions. Odes Fehr, Arnold Vosloo and Bernard Fox all leave a lasting impression. Brendan Fraser is somehow beyond dashing and becomes his own level of greatness. His Brendan Fraserness is off the charts.

The Gorgon (1964) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Young Bruno is found hanging in the woods following the murder of his girlfriend. The town happily comes to the conclusion that Bruno killed himself after he murdered his pregnant lover. His father believes there is some sort of cover-up in the works, but he won’t live long enough to get to the bottom of the conspiracy of silence. His other son arrives a little too late to help his dad but after a near fatal encounter with a ghastly creature, the young man brings in his mentor and non-shit-taker, Professor Meister (a greyed-up Christopher Lee) to assist him in unearthing the town’s deadly secret. Peter Cushing (rocking some ass-kicking friendly mutton chops) is the town doctor who knows more than he is letting on and Patrick Troughton is the mustachioed village inspector who may be turning a blind eye to the disturbing facts. With victims showing up turned to stone and a legend about the last living Gorgon inhabiting the small town, our heroes may come to a rock hard ending if they aren’t careful. The assured directorial hand of Terence Fisher bestows us with a blissfully different creature feature, showcasing a stellar cast and magnificent facial hair.

Dark Tower (1989) (USA/UK/Spain)

aka Demons 7: Inferno/The Curse V 

⭐️⭐️

Astoundingly dull flick wastes a fun cast and a decent idea in a lukewarm pool of talk and inertia. A malevolent supernatural force begins murdering or telepathically influencing others to murder within the walls of an impressive skyscraper in metropolitan Spain. The target seems to be the building’s head architect (the beautiful Jenny Agutter) and a partially psychic security agent (a rightfully bored Michael Moriarty) attempts to protect her. A parapsychologist and a drunk exorcist (Kevin McCarthy who manages to inject a little life into the boring affair) join up with the agent and the architect to confront the evil force for a telekinetic finale which reveals a pretty big secret. A fun monster suit is little seen and, like everything in this damn film, underutilized.

The Ghosts of Borley Rectory (2021) (UK)

⭐️⭐️

I’ve always been fascinated by Borley Rectory, considering the place was demolished in 1944 after being nearly destroyed by a fire in ’39, it’s impressive that the ghostly legends of the place still stand. Renowned (and slightly ridiculed) paranormal investigator Harry Price was so intrigued and impressed by the gothic-style rectory he wrote two books on the location and supported the claims of ghostly activity there. Many have discredited Price’s claims but the legend of the decades-gone building still stand and people are still curious. Here, we watch Price investigate the supposedly haunted location in May of 1937 with his assistant in tow and a team of “investigators” to assist in his six-month stay. He hopes to finally get his hands on proof of the supernatural within the walls. Supposedly an evil (or maybe just angry) entity calls the place home and has some malicious plans in the works for Mr. Price and his team. A phantom nun makes appearances in flashbacks and during the course of the research, causing the usual “thrills”. Julian Sands as a lying vicar and previous tenant, denying the existence of spirits at Borley and Colin Baker as a skeptical reporter entrusted to fairly report Price’s findings pop in to offer some gravitas to the proceedings. The whole thing plays out like a theatrical production (especially the dialogue), feels a bit stuffy and is sadly never scary.

The Evil Below (1989) (South Africa)

⭐️1/2

In the straits of San Sebastián, a sunk Spanish galleon named El Diablo is supposedly cursed and protected by supernatural forces but this won’t stop a treasure hunting loser from giving it a go. His shitty boat tour business ain’t exactly booming and on his last outing he fished in a human leg but since Max Cash is a deadbeat, he don’t let it bring him down. Especially when he sees a nice piece of tail at the bar. Aggressive (and awkward) making out happens but comes to a stall when the woman begins to sob. It’s not just because she finally realized who she took home (although I’m sure it didn’t help) and she confesses the next day that she needs to charter his shit-heap (the Vagrant Viking) to find the El Diablo. A bad storm places them on a near-empty island and their host talks of the Devil. This doesn’t really go anywhere. There’s also a minister wandering around a parish, talking about the antichrist and getting attacked by some ghostly form in a robe. On top of navigating waters where a ship probably shouldn’t be, there’s some other assholes tracking the treasure and they ain’t afraid to get their hands dirty. All of this combines to make for something that is on the other side of thrilling. The woman has vivid dreams of the past, present and future (psychic? stupid? both?) and several folks drop dead along the way. It’s all done with the excitement level of a church-funded bus trip to Sheboygan but on a holiday, so all the restaurants are closed. It honestly feels like somebody got confused while planning a Spanish holiday, accidentally booked a trip to Saint Sebastián, realized they could con a production company to pay for it and then halfheartedly attempted to make a film that would cause folks to fall asleep while they tried to recoup the losses on their boneheaded travel booking. The Devil himself shows up and you’re just kinda of left wishing a filmmaker who knew how to shift anything out of park was behind the camera. Things do pick up (kind of) when there’s about ten minutes left. There’s a wonderful garbage flick buried somewhere in all the tedium, we just needed someone better than Max Cash to unearth it.

Death O’Lantern (2011) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

It’s October... it’s 1986 and the suburban hamlet of Sleepy Hollow is being terrorized by a joke-cracking creep with the head of a pumpkin. The old pumpkin-headed bastard (Jack, if you must know) is after the souls of some high schoolers because the town ancestors banished his ass to Hell sometime in the 1800s. The “kids” ramble on about horror films, spewing 80’s slang as Jack cheaply slaughters ‘em one idiot at a time. The magic number is six and if Jack can collect that many souls, he’ll be able to walk the earth in his human form once more. A zombie pops up and the leading lady dresses up as Jack Burton to attend the Halloween dance and kick some pumpkin-man ass in this modern day SOV offering. It’s purposely bad but way more charming than it has any right to be and at 44 minutes, it doesn’t overstay its welcome.