Knock Knock (2007) (USA)

aka Saw Massacre 

⭐️1/2

Horrible teenagers come to violent ends and a retired cop lends a helping hand (well, steps on the toes of the actual detective because he’s an ass of the old school variety) to an inexperienced local detective to put an end to the rising body count. The dead teens got all of this awfulness put on them when a prank their parents played ended up disfiguring the son of a local undertaker however many years ago. Now the annoying youngsters are being butchered and displayed for their families to find as some kind of demented prank. Payback is a bitch, even if it’s misplaced. The ex-cop is in town because he’s looking to build a relationship with his estranged granddaughter who is also on the chopping block to answer for the shitty behavior of her father. Annoying editing, characters, dialogue and plotting are drowned in gore as the large psychopath gets his revenge with whatever instrument of destruction he has handy. Thick New York accents meld perfectly with the repetitive butt-rock or lazy instrumentals to create a world that I sure as shit want no part of. Much like me, most of the cast looks and acts like they had to partake in copious amounts of booze to get through this movie. There’s some bewbs and low-grade graphic splat but as I’ve long since passed over my early teens, that ain’t gonna make for an entertaining time anymore. I’ll give it points for casting an actual grandpa as a grandpa (this one looks like Bill Hinzman if Bill Hinzman was getting progressively angrier and enjoyed kicking puppies… so, hailing from New York and not Pennsylvania) and at least they put a mask on their killer that looks like it was haphazardly thrown together as opposed to quickly picked up from the discount rack at a Halloween shop but there is a whole bunch to hate about this one. There’s also a mentally challenged and overweight janitor, so you can mark that on the old lazy slasher bingo card.

Black Zoo (1963) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Michael Gough runs Conrad’s Animal Kingdom in Hollywood with love and respect for his furry children. Sadly he only has disdain for the human race. His teen mute janitor is treated like an unloved dog and his wife is given more humane treatment but still has to put up with his obvious sociopathic tendencies. Verbal and physical abuse is rough enough but anyone who threatens his little world gets a fatal introduction to his beloved animals. Gough plays the organ for his big cats and sends them out to kill. The old man in a monkey suit also gets his hands dirty. Eventually the police get suspicious of a human hand behind the animal slayings. Gough brings his usual cold insanity to the role of Conrad but even with a tiger funeral, bizarro animal cult soul transference rituals and Elisha Cook being fed to a lion it still feels like not a lot happens.

Sweet Home (1989) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Secluded in the woods, infamous artist Ichirou Mamiya’s mansion stands long-abandoned following his death. A television documentary crew manage to gain access to the creepy house and begin snooping around. Not only do they unearth Mamiya’s lost fresco, they uncover a horrific tragedy-born curse and there is going to be a hefty price to pay for their discovery. Foolishly knocking over a protective monument releases the ghost of Lady Mamiya. Driven insane by the accidental incineration of her only child, the specter sets her greedy sights on the widowed producer’s daughter. Possession, death, a terrifically executed angry spirit and a crispy toddler all have their part to play in Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s melancholic haunted house chiller. Never pushing the boundaries (outside of its climax) usually left far behind in late eighties horror, Sweet Home still sits comfortably as a refreshingly mature take on your standard haunted house fare. Including some wonderful special effects and a fleshed out back story, Sweet Home could easily be taken as modern horror classic.

To All a Goodnight (1980) (USA

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A small group of sorority girls plan for a weekend of fun and sex when they’re left in the care of the elderly and kind house mother but a killer in a Saint Nick costume (except for the one occasion where he disguises himself in Knight’s armor) has a naughty list and every one of the girls is on it. The killer makes short work of the girls, their boyfriends and a few other ill-fated folks around the large sorority house. The usual supply of paper-thin characters and idiotic actions takes nothing away from this early eighties Yuletide slasher flick. The young girls are cute and likable, the killer’s mask is creepy and simple, there’s blood and a variety of weapons, Harry Reems shows up as a mentally challenged caretaker and the over dramatic detective wears a suit-coat that belongs in a bowling alley. David Hess, of Last House on the Left fame, directed.

Shockwave (2006) (USA)

aka A.I. Assault

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A government chartered plane crashes on a Pacific island (taking out Robert Picardo and George Takei in the process) and the top secret military robots they were transporting escape. A squad of Navy SEALs are sent in to gather up the tech and get it back to Uncle Sam. Along with them is the project head’s daughter and expert on the H.G. Wells-ish tripods (well, quadrupeds here). She fills ‘em in on Codename: Robattalion, which blessed the world with the pretty much indestructible biomechanical shock troops designed to lead the first wave of attack and have several different methods to eradicate your ass. The standard military weapons won’t work against the metal monsters but luckily there’s a Beta Laser Rifle that can get the job done. There’s also a group of thieves (lead by the wonderful Blake Gibbons and his Josh-Brolin-lookin’ mug) forced to land on the island due to rough weather after ripping off a cruise ship. Time is of the essence because the robots have gotten their hands on the stalled thieves’ helicopter and with enough time they can build themselves a way off the island. Also, if the higher-ups don’t hear from the military boys about robot-neutralization, the island is gonna get blown off the map. Oh yeah... a massive storm is also hitting the island. It’s a real plate full of shit for our heroes. Tim Thomerson pops in to give some orders, Robert Picardo gets experimented on, a goofy tune repeats and the usual shitty cgi is displayed proudly. It’s pretty damn amusing for something that treads well-worn paths.

Mosquito Man (2005) (USA)

aka Mansquito

A pharmaceutical firm is attempting to cure a highly contagious and fatal mosquito-spread virus called Guinin, which is spreading across the United States. The project head is far more concerned with profits than ethics and has the plan to use convicts as test subjects to get things rolling. A convicted murderer and destined test subject makes a break for it and gets himself infected along with researcher Dr. Jen Allen (super hawt Musetta Vander). He manages to escape and begins transforming into some kind of mansquito. He begins feeding and Dr. Allen’s boyfriend, homicide detective Lt. Thomas Randall (an even hawter Corin Nemec), starts tracking the murderous psychopath he busted a little while back. Dr. Allen begins to transform slowly and the newly created serial killer bug-man hangs around, drawn to the good doctor and possible mate. The doctor ends up in the hospital and the bipedal man-sized mosquito beast causes a bloodbath in his quest to bang. The practical monster SFX are pretty damn awesome and the script is way more solid than it has any need to be.

Ghost Crew (2022) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

An amateur two-person team of ghost hunters with a public access style show come across a young woman with no recollection as to why she’s wandering around the area where the friends were attempting to film some interesting footage. She claims she’s from a nearby hospital in the woods but gets tense when they offer to take her back. Instead, the host Tom decides to bring her back to their research center. When they let her know that they’re the kind of journalists who investigate the paranormal, she asks them if they’ve heard about the haunting of Gilchrist House… more importantly the lady in the attic. Tom answers in the affirmative and lets Sandy know they did a feature on the supposed specter that murdered a family one by one a few years back. After an uncomfortable interview, Sandy remembers where her home is and they drop her off. When they come back the next day, an elderly woman answers the door and doesn’t seem to know much of anything. So the two likable derps head out to find the hospital in the woods. All they find is an abandoned building in complete disarray and they head inside to have a look around. An old huntsman with a rifle warns them off of the property but with his producer breathing down his neck, Tom decides to keep digging. A spooky history involving attempted arson to destroy evil, troubling witness accounts and the return of Sandy with an offer of help has things looking up for the Ghost Crew. There’s a mystery concerning the unsolved murder of an unidentified young woman at the hospital when it was in operation and it becomes an obsession for timid Tom. The more he learns, the more we realize this group may be in way over their heads and the bodies start piling up as a vengeful spirit takes the reins. The leads are charming, the subtle comedic bits work right along with the intentional awkwardness and there’s some splashes of well-realized terror but it does drag in bits and could have used a few more thrills. Still, a somewhat impressive indie feature.