⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I'll never understand why this movie didn't get the love it so deserved. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people bitching about there being no good grindhouse style cinema anymore. Exploitation sorely lacking in what was being spat out, No One Lives was a refreshing breath of scuzzy air. Could it be the fact that is was a WWE production leading to horror fans rolling their eyes? Maybe it was the May release date in the year of our lord 2012? Or maybe it was the fact that this year unleashed some excellence (Resolution, The Bay, V/H/S, Lords of Salem to name a few) and it just got lost in the shuffle. As it stands, this flick is due for a rediscovery because it is filled with unsavory folks better found in a 70s revenge flick and is taken serious enough to not insult its audience. A sexy young couple (Luke Evans and Laura Ramsey) are driving through some nothing area of the south looking to relocate. They seem to be in love but something is a bit off with them. A news report fills us in on a missing heiress who we have witnessed fleeing some unknown assailant in the pre-credits sequence. We're also introduced to a gang of thieves lead by the always welcome Lee Tergesen. They're busted midway through robbing the huge estate of some wealthy family when the family unexpectedly returns from vacation. Psychotic member Flynn murders the lot of 'em and gets into trouble with the boss for doing so. Now that we've been properly introduced to all our important characters, things can get messy. Evans and his gal have stopped to rest at a roadside motel and, following the advice of the motel owner, are enjoying dinner at a local dive. This dive happens to be the hangout for Tergesen and his gang and also the location where his daughter works as a waitress. Flynn, being the unrelenting shit that he is, decides to mess with the out-of-towners but is stopped before things can escalate by his boss. Not being one to let anything go (like I said, he's a shit) he ambushes Evans on the road, stealing his car (and trailer) and leaving Evans and his gal tied up at a gas station where the giant gang member (former WWE superstar Brodus Clay) can scare them into silence. Yeah. That's how it'll play out. Things escalate quickly as former WWE superstar Brodus Clay holds a knife to the throat of the pretty young woman as Evans watches, seemingly helpless. Unexpectedly, the young girl says something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore" and forces her throat across the knife. Obviously, former WWE superstar Brodus Clay is shocked but that shock turns to terror when he looks up to see Evans standing before him, un-cuffed and pissed off. At the same time this is happening, Flynn is going through the car he just jacked. While searching through the trunk he finds a hidden compartment and inside is the missing heiress Emma. She tries to flee the scene but is stopped by the gang and when they finally get her to speak she asks if they killed the man who had her. When they answer in the negative, she warns them that they're all fucked. Two go to grab former WWE superstar Brodus Clay when he doesn't answer the gas station radio and, of course, they find the giant man laying dead in a pool of his own blood. They also find the girl with her head nearly severed and decide its time to scoot the fuck out with the colossal body of their leader’s brother in tow. That proves to be a fatal mistake because it would seem that the corpse of former WWE superstar Brodus Clay makes the perfect hiding spot for the ultimate killing machine, Luke Evans. In short order, Luke Evans manages to blow up the gang’s getaway car, injure their youngest member (and boyfriend to Tergesen's daughter) and kidnap their leader. Some minor torture (as in it doesn't drag itself out) involving a man hanging headfirst over a mulching machine, gets Evans the info he needs and he proceeds to outwit the criminals and decrease their ranks as the night progresses. A lucky escape proves to be anything but, as the survivors are tracked to the very motel Evans and his gal were staying in. Of course there's a backyard junkyard where the violent climax can take place. Flashbacks reveal some of the shit Emma had gone through and Evans possible love for the girl. Flynn attempts to prove his male dominance in the situation but Evans proves to be the apex predator. With its sleazy characters, mean streak and high violence level, No One Lives really feels like a true blue lost relic from the seedy days of 47th street. The best part being that everyone is taking the material seriously. Evans plays calculating coldness to perfection and Adelaide Clemens brings some perfect sarcasm to her role as Emma. Lee Tergesen is perfect as usual and even former WWE superstar Brodus Clay is comfortable in his (small) role as group enforcer. Most importantly, Derek Magyar's Flynn is the most detestable character in the movie and has you rooting for homicidal Evans all the way through. Everything works in this 2012 exploitation flick. Characters, violence and enough humor to allow the mean streak room to breath. You really owe it to yourself to track this one down.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Almost exhausting in its wealth of lunacy, Magic Crystal comes off as some sort of cocaine-infused hybrid of the popular Spielberg action/adventure films of the 80s. There was money to be made and HK schlock auteur Jing Wong wasn’t about to let that go unnoticed. The Hunting Eagles is a two man task force comprised of likable and laidback badass Andy and his dopey buddy Pancho. They do some work for the Hong Kong police with the understanding that if shit ever goes south the police will deny any knowledge of their existence, but the gig pays well so everyone seems happy with the arrangement. Andy gets a call from his archeologist buddy, Shen, who has just discovered a rare gem in Greece. This discovery has put the KGB on his tail as well as two Interpol agents (one portrayed by Cynthia “badass fabulous” Rothrock) who are attempting to protect him from the Soviet threat. Andy and Pancho head out to Greece, taking along Andy’s nerdy little nephew Pin-Pin for some sightseeing. This is when things get complicated. Turns out the KGB is working for some evil dude named Karov (Australian stunt specialist/martial artist Richard Norton doing a bizarre Russian/French accent with touches of that Aussie twang) and he is obsessed with getting his hands on that rare gem. Said rare gem is actually an alien life form taking up the appearance of jade and this life form just happens to fall into the hands of that adorable pip squeak Pin-Pin after Shen gets shot and has to ditch the goods. Now, back in Hong Kong, Karov and his vast criminal network are after the jade/alien (jadlien?) and Andy and company are thrown into the mix along with Pin-Pin’s television-addicted mother and Shen’s hot and worried sister. Everyone is an expert martial artist and Pin-Pin forges a friendship with his telepathically communicating gem. They manage to shake fingers when the glowing green rock grows out a suspiciously penis-looking finger for Pin-Pin to grip. As uncomfortable as that may be, it’s all within the realm of PG entertainment but, as this trash-addled adult can attest, it’s so completely bonkers it never feels like it was made for children. Toilet humor, feet for hands and mullets all make an appearance and there is so much going on that it’ll take a heavy dose of Ritalin to focus on everything wrong with the plot... not that you should be doing that anyways. A must for fans of kicks, booby trapped caves and adorable dorks.
⭐️1/2
Three social media influencers head out into the woods to debunk a spooky myth that has been getting hits. “The Tree Game” involves a creepy-ass tree in the middle of the forest which, once circled, transports you into another dimension. There’s a missing hiker which has added some gasoline to the urban legend fire and some wacko who has convinced himself he successfully played the game and managed to get back to his home realm. They find the tree, all three participate and the trio quickly call bullshit. On their way out of the woods, shit gets weird. Strange noises and your usual walking-in-a-giant-fucking-circle gets everyone unsettled and it doesn’t take long for frustration and paranoia to set in. The only likable(ish) character vanishes first and I found it pretty hard to give a damn about anyone else because who really gives a fuck about social media influencers? It’s a pretty meh time in the woods.
⭐️⭐️1/2
A downed atomic rocket brings Major Joe Nelson (so that’s what Cesar Romero looks like without The Joker makeup) and a small rescue mission to the South Pacific. They crash on an unknown island, encounter the gorgeous Acquanetta as a native girl and a couple cheapjack monsters. Do you like rock climbing? I certainly hope so because there is an endless ascent up a mountain that just consumes most of the runtime. The rocket ship landed on top of the sacred mountain, because of course it did, and its arrival caused all but Acquanetta and her little brother to flee the place. The two stuck around to take care of their injured father who is now dead. Bummer. Eventually, the men make it to the plateau and find a lost world… after much climbing and cigarette smoking at high altitudes. The lost continent portion is tinted a sickly green to the benefit of nobody but the dino-hijinks are my kind of fun. Whit Bissell (with a mustache!) and Hugh Beaumont (without The Beaver!) are there to remind you it’s the 1950s and you’re definitely watching a monster movie. I’m probably giving this flick more love than it deserves but when I watched it as a kid, my dad made a joke involving a family photo in one of the scientist’s wallet. I have never forgotten that joke and it still makes me chuckle more than thirty years on.
aka Pulse/The Circuit
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
In my expansive history with the genre, there’s only been a handful of films that changed things. Three which I can recall right off the bat but I’m sure with a couple more hours to contemplate, I could dredge up a few more. Those three films have burned an imprint on my brain and they came into my life in this order. TCM had me not realizing I had been holding my breath for a duration of time. Finally catching it in the dark after a sliding steel door slammed shut. Session 9 had me turning on all the lights in an empty house to little effect at calming the disquiet. And finally, the film in question. The last of the trio I watched but the first one I’m revisiting to write about. Kairo shook me. Kairo changed things. Kairo made me realize that if there was something wallowing in the shadows, I probably didn’t want to meet it and I damn sure didn’t want it to know I was there. Kairo had me looking over my shoulder for weeks during the long walk home after work. Kairo is the scariest thing I had ever seen and probably will ever see. Which can be a horrific burden because everything that came after just doesn’t hit as well as it’s capable of. Do I think Lake Mungo is a truly horrifying masterpiece? I do but it came after Kairo, so it’s not as effective as it should be. The suicide of a friend and a terrifying web page which poses a simple and horrifying question sets off a series of increasingly disturbing events for a group of Japanese youths. Peeling back disturbing layer after disturbing layer of an unthinkable plot where the spirits of the dead are invading the world of the living using technology. The drowning atmosphere of dread mingles with a gorgeously disgusting visual palette that successfully shows off an image of Japan already succumbing to a drab rot. Isolated no matter how many friends or strangers surround you, an incredibly hopeless vibe is realized through a master craftsman manipulating every aspect of film. You can almost feel the cold slipping under your skin. Add to that some of the most striking macabre images ever presented in a film and a true sense of the uncanny when it comes to the supernatural threat, and this is one J-Horror presentation that refuses to leave. I consider it the best to come out of the cycle of films. Never has the apocalypse felt so personal. Kiyoshi Kurosawa lands another powerful entry is his impressive catalogue of horrors. “Do you want to meet a ghost?”
aka Beloved Enemy
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Horny newlyweds are on their way to the train station when their taxi gets a flat. The driver sends them to a nearby mansion while he repairs the car. The place does not seem lived in until the owner appears in a giant mirror, speaking in an echoing creep-voice. They’re in the house of Thakur Jwala Prasad and he has a tale to tell. His wife poisoned him on his wedding night because she loved another man and just wanted his money but as he dies, he throws down a curse and warns his hatred will always haunt her. Nowadays his soul wanders around, carrying an unhealthy dislike of all women and can’t find peace until he murders his murderer with his own hands. The couple tries to flee but the car is gone. At this point we see Thakur’s killer fleeing from another man who immediately gets possessed by Thakur and transforms into a monster. The couple witness the murder by werewolf and hightail it the hell out of there. The young woman is a nervous mess as they hop on the train to visit her new in-laws and, unbeknownst to them, the man who was possessed by Thakur (the couple only saw him in his hairy and toothy state) has just entered their car. The husband and haunted man talk about spirit possession and we learn some important things. First off, there are five signs of spirit possession: constant sweating, lip chewing, shaky extremities, no blinking and a fear of fire. Secondly, the only way to kill such a thing is to break his spirit. Lastly, the poor sap who gets his ass possessed has no idea what he’s doing while the evil is getting its evil on. We also discover that due to his awful wedding night, Thakur gets set-the-fuck-off by women in red dresses and it just so happens the beautiful bride has changed into a gorgeous crimson number. Of course, the transformation hits. The likable youngsters are murdered and the possessed man shows up in the morgue... but the evil spirit is still roaming around and has a bit more killing to do. The police are on the case as it’s not the first murder, it seems anytime a wedding passes through the village, the bride ends up dead. Enter the next wedding procession! Added to the issues that no one needs on their wedding day, the bride’s father squealed on a local gang of bandits and their powerful, mustachioed leader sees this joyous day as the time to get himself some revenge. The revenge goes unrealized because the bride gets herself abducted by the monster. Now we get into some mountain village drama. Thakur is the village leader and is seen as some kind of benevolent god by his idiot subjects, he has a son named Shera who is a spoiled ass-bag. A sexy cross-dressing lady named Reshma and the local cool guy named Lakhan flesh out the main players. Love is in the air and it appears everyone is on the verge of getting married, which is unfortunate considering the bride-hating monster is in the area. Of major interest is that Lakhan’s sister is currently approaching her wedding day to a handsome young dude with a glorious head of hair. I think it’s supposed to be a mystery as to who is now in possession of the evil spirit but we see how the village leader reacts to red (not to mention his damn name) so we know where to point the finger. Running nearly three hours, there’s a whole bunch of drama to wade through in between the lovely bits of werewolf action and, unfortunately, not all of it is interesting. Tragic accidents, suicide, horses, a combat competition, and a whole bunch of soap opera shenanigans keep things going. The werewolf stuff is fun as hell, there’s plenty of beautiful women and there’s a few characters that’ll keep you invested but the runtime is a killer thanks to a lack of action.
⭐️⭐️
Private investigator Gareth Morris vanished off the face of the earth in 2018. His final case was an investigation into strange activity taking place in a Sherwood home, enough oddness to get hired on by a concerned neighbor. He hacks into the home’s security systems and records everything. We get to see the compiled footage Gareth had on his computer… the last known proof that Gareth was still in the realm of the living. It’s pretty humdrum as we watch the single man watching the single man going about his normal life. Minimal excitement comes from swaying objects and lamps turning on by themselves. The slow escalation of phantom tomfoolery may not raise the pulse but the matter-of-fact presentation is oddly intriguing. Soon, Gareth’s target (and his lovely cats) isn’t the only one being fucked with and the private investigator has to contend with the supernatural after he digs up a phone he watched the young man bury in the park. He listens to the voicemails saved on the phone and they’re disturbingly a mix of static and a wheezing voice threatening harm. Not good. The creepy phone calls begin coming Gareth’s way and his concern grows. We know none of this is going to end well. Gareth watches the young man seemingly get hurt after he enters his cellar and when he can’t get in touch with the authorities, he makes his way over to lend a hand. We know none of this is going to end well. When the non-threatening attack comes Gareth’s way, he’s unable to exit the house and even when he manages to make it home, he’s still not safe. We know none of this is going to end well. There’s a good amount of dull which is kind of necessary but still impossible to justify in something that’s trying to be entertainment. Gavin Gordon is solid in the lead and if you have never seen a film about a haunting before, you may get some chills. It’s inoffensive, so I guess it has that going for it. Ending blows.
