Puppet Master (1989) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Legendary puppet maker Andre Toulon (William Hickey, somehow) comes across an Egyptian formula that grants his already impressive creations life. In order to prevent those damn Ratzis (ruining everything again) from getting their hands on it, he kills himself in his room at the scenic Bodega Bay Inn. Fifty years pass and four psychics journey to the extravagant hotel to investigate an intriguing (and dangerous) mystery. You see Charles Band’s name in the credits and you know those little puppets are still hanging around, about to get up to some murderous shenanigans. Alex Whitaker (looking like a soap opera reimagining of H.R. Giger) is a Yale professor with intense premonitions, Dana Hadley is an acid-tongued white witch working as a carnival psychic, Carissa Stamford can hone in on the emotional history of any object she touches (it makes her super horny) and her lover Frank Forrester works alongside her at the Pensa Research Inc. He also has the ability to read thoughts which should never be a gift of anyone who looks this sleazy. All four of them have been psychically contacted by their former colleague because he’s pinpointed the last known trace of the late, great Toulon. Something they had been working on in the past before Neal (said colleague) ventured on his own, dropping them after he had used them for his benefit. The four arrive and are greeted by their colleague’s wife Heather (and inheritor of the hotel), who explains her husband has committed suicide and requested to not be buried until the four arrived. Heather and Alex fall for each other which sucks because Alex is having strange premonitions pointing towards her death and it may have something to do with her recently deceased scumbag husband. Answers come with consequences and those tiny creations of Andre Toulon are dealing out those consequences with violent glee at the behest of a dead psychic. With names like Blade (no, not that Blade), Tunneler, Pinhead (no, not that Pinhead) and Leech Woman… you can figure out how these kinda scummy (but oddly likable) folks are gonna drop. A low-to-the-ground POV camera opens things up but makes no sense as everyone wandering around in the hotel would have to be blind as fuck to not see the tiny puppet running around like a sneaky lunatic who ain’t all that great at sneaking. It is the series star, Blade, so I guess I’ll cut it some slack… it is a movie about homicidal puppets and I’m here questioning why people can’t seem to notice one of them running around and sniffling like a hyperactive pug. I think I’m the problem. Anyways, the laziness that would eventually come to plague the Full Moon output ain’t here quite yet so there’s at least some effort put into things which at least keeps everything interesting. The ever-lovely Barbara Crampton gets a cameo, stop-motion (yay!) and low-rent puppetry (YAY!) brings the tiny terrors to life, the throwing up of leeches by one puppet is hilarious and disturbing and this may seriously be the most likable batch of unlikable folks I have ever seen.

The Sacrament (2013) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2 

Combining elements of found footage, mockumentary, and good old fashioned filmmaking, Ti West’s The Sacrament is an exercise in tension building dread. When his missing sister sends a letter his way about her new home Eden Parish and an invitation to visit, a young man goes to his friends Jake and Sam (Joe Swanberg and AJ Bowen) who work for Vice and asks them to come along. Planning to do an expose on the community, the reporters happily accompany their friend to whatever South American country Eden Parish has been set up in. Things seem to be near perfect and the devilishly charming Father (Gene Jones, who is superb) appears to be a benevolent leader looking to build paradise here on earth. As the day turns to night, an uncomfortable feeling sets in among the journalists and some blemishes in the “perfect” scene become apparent. A constant sense of unease permeates the film and anxiety reaches near unbearable levels. Likable leads sink you into the drama. Taking place over the course of twenty four hours, The Sacrament does not give you much of a chance to question why the camera is still rolling and the fact that things like this have happened before make it even more haunting. West’s slow burn style pays off once more and makes for a disturbing watch.

The Return of Count Yorga (1971) (USA)

aka Curse of Count Yorga/The Abominable Count Yorga/Vampire Story/Yorga Returns 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Yorga is back... along with his disfigured servant and a bundle of vampire concubines. He’s set up shop next to an orphanage and he’s taken a liking to a teacher named Cynthia. A surprising early-in-the-game massacre puts her under the count’s psychic grasp, much to the chagrin of her psychiatrist boyfriend (Roger Perry, obviously not reprising his role from the original). Yorga also has one of the local orphans under his influence, which helps him hide his crimes and bring some victims his way but shit gets difficult when the boyfriend begins to think there’s a vampire at work. Yvonne Wilder is excellent as a mute witness, Craig T Nelson shows up, young as fuck, as a detective and Tom Toner is wonderful as the reverend running the orphanage. Of course, Robert Quarry steals the show as the evil vampire. Bodies are hidden in the bog, vamps rise silently from the earth, Quarry can barely contain his disgust in the presence of humans and there are some fun callbacks to the original. Stronger side characters, comedy that works and a nice bit of atmosphere mold this into a superior sequel.

Monsters of War (2021) (USA/UK)

aka War of the Monsters 

⭐️1/2

The world is pretty damn fucked and it’s not just because it’s apparently populated with crap actors. Nope, various monsters have decided it’s a good time to wage war on humanity and we are losing. Shit cgi brings random creatures to whatever life shoddy computer work can grant (Tyrannosaurs, giant bugs, a fucking dragon and a dumbass humanoid-scorpion thing that gets most of the screen time) and the cast has the acting capabilities of a 3rd grade class populated with oak trees. Various folks meet up and flee whatever random monstrous shit is thrown their way. A mother (glorious Earth Angel Chrissie Wunna) and her kids (in the running for filmdom’s worst child performers) eventually stumble upon a home occupied with a diverse group of community thespians and decide to lay low and survive. The nun in the batch of idiots is convinced it’s some sort of biblical punishment for us sinners, the blonde gal just misses her boyfriend and the goth girl is… well, goth. The home (actually a hostel) is owned by a kind middle-aged woman and her protective son. A couple soldiers show up, scouting for shelters and let everyone know the government is just as lost as they are. Swelling dramatic music plays over the slowest escape in film history, a possibly deaf British man is given too many lines, crew members appear on screen, attempts at drama are rendered absurd by poor performances and then it just kind of ends. There’s a lot of chatter but also a good amount of big, dumb stupidity to get you through. Is it worth your time? No. Not really and if you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think it is, just know I believe in you and I think we’re better off with you on this planet… which is exactly how I feel about Chrissie Wunna.

Mortuary (1983) (USA)

aka Embalmed 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Following the swimming pool drowning of her father, Christie Parson has been having some strong nightmares. Her mother (Boom! Lynda Day George) believes the tragedy to be nothing but an accident but Christie has her suspicions and begins to look into things with her boyfriend Steve. This draws the attention of a creepy hooded figure and leads Christie and Steve to the local mortuary run by Christopher George and his son Bill FUCKIN’ Paxton. We already know Hank (his royal badness Mr. George) is into some odd shit after Steve and his buddy spy him running a weird ritual involving black robes, an alter and multiple middle-aged women (Lynda Day George among them) in his storage warehouse. Steve’s buddy also comes across a woman’s corpse stashed in a coffin and ends up murdered with an embalming tool by said hooded and face-painted weirdo (refreshingly, they don’t do much to disguise his identity). Of course Steve just thinks his buddy ditched him, taking his van in the process but grows more concerned as his absence persists. Paxton is a little off and has the hots for Christie and Christie’s mom is fed up with her daughter’s paranoia, suspiciously apathetic to her husband’s passing. Of course, the deeper they dig, the more danger they come into contact with. Roller rink shenanigans, a disbelieving sheriff, Paxton’s prancing skills, Christopher George’s effortless ability to bring charm to his sleaze-ball characters (that may just be my love for the man), Lynda Day George just being there, séances, necrophilia and a menacing villain that actually manages to be creepy (think Bill Paxton [Spoiler! Fuck, sorry.] doing Captain Howdy cosplay) piece together a really enjoyable slasher-ish flick that gives you “the who” but makes you work a little for “the why”. God, I miss Bill Paxton.

The Monster That Challenged the World (1957) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

An earthquake and low levels of radioactivity births a gargantuan horror in the Salton Sea. A Naval research base located thereabouts begins to lose employees when an atomic-charged ancient ancestor of the water mollusk discovers humans to be quite tasty. The blood and water drained corpses of sailors and civilians throw scientists and soldiers for a loop but good old American bravery should save the day. There’s a bit of dark humor, a blossoming romance and enough bullshit science to fill the state of California. The monster is fantastic and a bit on the goofy side, which is fine by me. Nothing to really throw it above and beyond the best fifties monster flicks but a fun time nonetheless.

Return of the Witch (1952) (Finland)

aka The Witch 

⭐️⭐️

The body of a suspected witch is removed from her 300-year-old resting place in the bog where the locals put her by a team of archeologists. Proving that Finnish folk are just as stupid as everyone else, they ignore the fact that the local old coot was trying to re-bury the exhumed woman while speaking of a curse and the excited archaeologist than proceeds to pull a wooden stake out of the bog corpse’s chest. That’s a bad move in any part of the world. Heavy winds and odd accidents freak out the townsfolk and have them chattering about witches and being doomed. The local Baron doesn’t buy into it and thinks it’s all supernatural bullshit. The corpse is removed from the bog and placed in an old barn and the man of science gets to work on his research. Eventually, during an unseasonable thunderstorm, a raven-haired naked woman (1950’s BEWBS!) is found lying in the spot where the body was unearthed. The man of science is immediately convinced it’s the witch because I guess being rational has nothing to do with archaeology. He begins to calm down and think straight but the same can’t be said for the superstitious locals. All the men start acting a bit wild around this young lady. As soon as she wakes up she’s told by the Baron’s horny son (he’s horny because he has trouble finding a village girl his perverted father hasn’t had first) that she’s the witch and she seemingly takes to the claim and acts like a dope. There’s a bunch of focus on the archeologist, his wife/assistant Greta and an artist who has the hots for Greta and has no problem letting it be known constantly. After the beautiful black-haired (possible) witch Birgit shows up, the painter’s lust is given the chance to focus on Greta because the archaeologist begins fixating on Birgit but so does the painter which sucks for Greta. Birgit takes pleasure in driving the men insane and just really wants to get her freak on. Yeah, she’s attractive and all but she acts like a child with brain damage which is a major turnoff but not to the Finnish dudes, I guess. It’s like a horny comedy you’d see America shit out in the eighties just decades earlier but way tamer because of that. It holds merit as a rare Finnish horror (no matter how lite on horror it may be) film but still remains a little too scatterbrained for its own good. It brings slight folk horror, mixes it with some comedy, has the hallmarks of a minimal sex flick, focuses more-so on romance and unfortunately drowns in melodrama then gives you a big middle finger to close out everything.