The Tunnel (2011) (Australia)

aka The Tunnel Movie 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A journalist and her hesitant crew look into a possible government cover-up concerning the tunnels underneath Sydney. An abandoned water project and missing homeless people get Natasha’s reporter senses tingling and she drags a small crew down into the cavernous halls below the Australian city. Instead of a career-making story, she and her crew come face to face with a murderous subhuman. Presented as a documentary built around the footage from their excursion underneath the city, The Tunnel is one hell of a suspenseful ride. One of the better examples of found footage horror out there.

The Wild Man: Skunk Ape (2021) (USA)

aka The Florida Monster

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Well, an opening bit cutting between semi-hectic shaky-cam footage and our lead apologizing to the camera lets us know that things probably don’t end well. A documentary crew heads to the harsh awfulness that is the Florida Everglades to dig into the legend of an especially smelly cryptid. Missing folks has their curiosity piqued and locals have various ideas of what the hell has been going on. Sarah (a solid performance from Lauren Crandall) and her two-man team look into the disappearance of several young girls with some people thinking murder, some people thinking human trafficking and some people pointing towards a Bigfoot-type wild man roaming the woods. There’s a skunk-ape-tracker/conspiracy-nut by the name of Dale who believes a bunch of crazy shit, has a tendency to frequently purchase shovels and rope and has the build of someone who could definitely snatch up young women. Interviews and speculation can only get you so far and when they hook up with scenery-chewing Dale himself, he offers to take them out to the woods and see the beast for themselves. Sarah is gung-ho for the idea but her two partners need some convincing. Some ignorant dinks (it’s Florida, remember) threaten them to get the hell out of town but this just makes Sarah think she’s onto something big. So into the wetlands they go and it doesn’t take long for them to realize there is definitely something out there. They make it through the night in one piece and decide to return to the woods and get their damn footage. They encounter the beast but it doesn’t take long after that for them to uncover a deep conspiracy… the kind of conspiracy that people in power are willing to kill to keep a secret. One of their number goes missing and a fire is lit under the ass of our documentarian. A couple “free thinkers” are willing to help the filmmakers get inside a top secret facility and right into answers they’re not prepared to handle… and a mustachioed Michael Paré shows up. The performances that kinda fail are somehow charming and the bits of comedy that make it in actually had me snickering. The fact that they’re editing as they go allows them to make shit look like a Netflix special and they ape the style well. It also keeps things interesting by going a route that isn’t expected as it races to the end and taking the POV from several different cameras to showcase a skunk ape on a rampage. It doesn’t ever become as exciting as it should but that just may be because the budget isn’t what was needed and it cheats with camerawork which is a bit of a bummer… it’s still more entertaining than I thought it would be because it aimed outside of the comfort zone. It even throws in that “we’re the real monsters” message I’ve loved hearing since the 1950s.

Siccîn 5 (2018) (Turkey)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The series gets a bit of its fucked up charm back in this fifth entry. A young albino girl has awful nightmares concerning her vanished father and a violent ritual. She also talks to herself in a raspy voice and tortures her favorite doll. There’s obviously some past awfulness hidden in the family closet as her mother and grandma hang around all day at their crap-shack making moody eyes at each other. Her aunt seems to be the only stable one, she’s just started a job she likes and is in a relationship with a jewelry store owner who may already be thinking of marriage. Sadly that family strife buried out of sight is about to rear its ugly head and make life miserable for everyone. Disturbing visions and demonic bargains cause a shit-ton of depression and death. After the less than impressive previous entries, part 5 brings back a bit of an edge and offers up some proper wickedness. There’s still a lack of focus slowing things down but it’s pretty much been that way since the opening act.

Death Ph.D (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

A night in a haunted house will lead to early graduation for a batch of parapsych PhD students. All they have to do is record and collect evidence… and live to see the morning, of course. Sounds like a simple and fine time as we watch some sexy college kids die by supernatural means in the infamous Sugarland House. It could have been, but as soon as I saw “itn distribution” when I started it up I got a little nervous. Let’s just say their track record may speak for itself, but it’s in the voice of an idiot who just got bludgeoned with a hammer and can no longer piece together the already incoherent thoughts pouring from his mouth like diarrhea born of a two-week-old chicken quesadilla you found laying on a space heater at your former roommate’s place. Sorry. Where was I? Itn Distribution often leads to revelries of the past as I look for any excuse to avoid what’s playing on screen. The course professor is alerted to the availability of the house by a university head who is obviously up to no good. She’s excited for the opportunity, her semi-elderly students are a mostly annoying batch who (I think) are trying to be charming but just coming off as the kind of folks I would not have taken the time to get friendly with. So, this batch is going to the house instead of completing their dissertation (which, yeah, I’d go for that) with the risk beyond being locked in a haunted house is if you leave before the allotted time, you’re dropped from the class and pretty much fucked. But I guess no future with a chance of finding a different path is better than no future because you’re fucking dead. After some debate amongst each other and minor quibbling to awkwardly build characters, our victims are sorted. I wonder if that rascal student with the rad attitude who is also the estranged cousin of the professor is going to make it till the end. It’s also mentioned by her cousin that she better remember to take her pills so she doesn’t hurt anyone again. Hmmmmm. The caretaker (with his snappy dress vest, bowtie and power-beard) welcomes the students by appearing from behind a tree and swiftly motioning them in. He’s my favorite. He shares the history of his history with the place in his boisterous Jamaican style and I fall deeper in love with him. He warns them to be on their best behavior and collects the names of all the students from the delightfully fey Mr. Jarvis (who is my favorite student). There’s plenty of space and food on hand but cellphone reception is trash, the place was built long before that was a concern. The caretaker makes his exit and my heart feels heavy, probably as heavy as the “kids” because he warns that he has to get the hell out before night falls. Jarvis decides to scoot as well before there’s no turning back and at about forty minutes, I’ve lost both characters I had built any kinship with. That’s also forty minutes of dick-all happening but now that the team is stuck, looks like shit will pick up. Right? Wrong! There’s still a chance for “comedy” before anything of interest happens. And when the “comedy” is done, there’s still poorly-performed melodrama too! Wow! Itn, my cup runneth over. The hungry Asian woman dies whilst eating and hysteria (that feels more like slight discomfort due to moderately bad gas) sweeps through the group. Sadness follows and boredom is close behind. Child voices creep folks out, the cousin with attitude grows more annoying, disfigured ghost kids finally show up and they’re adorably goofy and resemble something you would see in a cutscene during an episode of Ghost Adventures. They mercifully get rid of that annoying chick first… these little ugly bastards are doing great work! The early stretch is one hell of an endurance test and it runs almost an hour but once those ghostly goobers show up, things get a little better. Its cheap ridiculousness is exactly what was needed but it still drags on way longer than necessary. A terribly-paced mess with a few trashy gems hidden in it and an ending that may hold the title of “Wait, what? This is dumb as fuck.” That’s a plus in my book. It’s like an Andy Milligan film without the scummy aesthetic which is problematic when it comes to entertainment value but those goofy ghost kids make their time on camera must-see garbage.

Death Walks on High Heels (1971) (Italy/Spain/UK/France)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Following a successful heist, a jewel thief is murdered on a train. His no-nonsense stripper daughter Nicole (knockout Nieves Navarro who we’ve seen in Death Walks at Midnight among many others) is gathered up by the police who are hoping she knows where her now deceased father stashed the diamonds. She’s unable to assist. Agitated cops are one thing but the masked man with striking blue eyes and voice box who breaks into her apartment and threatens her because he too is after them pesky diamonds is a more dangerous beast. She seeks comfort and protection in the company of her boyfriend Michel (Simón Andreu, whose fiendishly handsome ass we’ve seen in The Killer is One of 13, Death Carrie’s a Cane and others) but after discovering some contact lenses in his bathroom, thinks he may be a dangerous man to be around. What’s a stripper to do? Go to the horny married doctor who has been hitting on her after being captivated by her less than enjoyable acts, of course! She asks Dr. Robert Matthews (Frank Wolff who would sadly kill himself around this film’s release but if you’re here you may just recognize from The Wasp Woman and Beast from Haunted Cave) to journey with her to London and, he being an idiot with a medical degree and a boner, agrees. They stay in a cottage at a small seaside village populated with super suspicious locals. While there she poses as the doctor’s wife. The masked man follows close behind and bad things start happening. Looks like the romantic cottage getaway with the unhappily married man is going down the shitter with fatal results. Who is the madman? Where are the diamonds? Who is peeping on Nicole? Why is she so proud of her pancake butt? Is that priest also using a voice box? What the hell is with this small village? Why is a mysterious woman paying Nicole a shit-ton of cash? Can you really trust a French stripper? Holy shit! Did he just get shot?! We’ll get answers to all the important questions, except the pancake butt thing. Scotland Yard will get involved and the doctor’s wife Vanessa (dude has Claudie Lange at home and still ain’t happy, what a chooch) will also come into play. Nicole performs one of the worst strip routines I’ve ever seen and it’s not just because it’s racist to all hell. Although. That doesn’t help anything. She then follows that up with another routine that is fortunately not racist thanks to her not rocking a wig and slathering her body in bronzer but sucks all the same. But, despite her questionable talents in her line of work, Nicole is breathtakingly beautiful, so I completely understand the appeal. As a woman, she’s fantastic. As a stripper, there’s a lot she needs to work on. But what do I know? I’ve never been to a Paris strip club in the early seventies, so I could be off the mark completely. She also seductively eats fish with her greasy fingers which is not a thing and even her royal hotness cannot make look like a thing. Although it may not have been fish and been a bowl of fruit but it followed so quickly behind the doctor making a big deal about buying fresh fish that my distracted brain couldn’t help but connect them. Still. Ewwwwww. It’s an odd film without feeling like it’s trying to be and the same can be said for the other giallos I’ve seen from Luciano Ercoli. They may take a bit to get going but they’re filled with enough quirk to make me happy to take the long path to the more exploitive portions. There’s some genuine surprises along the way, one cheap yet effective butchering, out of place comedy adding to the charm and the title refers to the only thing a blind witness can offer up the cops.

Amityville Scarecrow (2021) (UK)

aka Amityville Cornfield/Scarecrow’s Camp

⭐️1/2

A caravan campsite is located on some bad land which is supposedly the same land where that infamous house once stood. There’s now a scarecrow set up there and some abandoned camper-vans. Welp, that scarecrow be alive and that scarecrow be a fan of murder by scythe. Two estranged sisters have inherited some land following their mum’s passing and begrudgingly meet up with their families in tow to discuss what to do with the property. One wants to sell and one wants to reopen and everyone is pretty unlikable. The one sister who slept with the other sister’s husband wants to use the land to honor their mother and rebuild a relationship with her rightfully pissed-off sister. She’s given a year to turn the land around before selling it off. It doesn’t even bother to hide that it’s not taking place anywhere near the titular location but that’s probably because it has nothing to do with the Amityville series and may not even be the same Amityville because when you’re looking for distribution whats a lie or two matter. At least, I assume, I’m not going to do any research because it’s already pathetic enough I’m just not turning this bad boy off and doing something worthwhile. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah; so the cousins begin rebuilding their friendship and stumble across a shed where there’s photos of children with X’s drawn over their faces… so far, so normal for an RV campsite. There’s a whole lotta talkin’, a good amount of walkin’, a lame score to go along with the lame drama and some past trauma to go with the family secrets. Luckily, the scarecrow stuff is kind of fun in a cheap-ass horror way and it saves the movie from being complete ass. The thrills just won’t come and even at 88 minutes it feels like it runs 30 minutes too long.

True Accident Property/Really Scary Residents (2022) (Japan)

aka Residents of Evil/Devil’s Residents 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Himeko is an aspiring actress and in a publicity stunt encouraged by her agent, she joins two YouTubers in a ghost hunting challenge. The team moves into an apartment building supposedly plagued with the spirits of gruesome murders back in the 80s and while there, they are tasked with catching proof of the haunting. They guarantee they will not leave until they catch a ghost on camera. A spooky viral video of a girl who vanished shortly after was filmed at the spot and thats why the team is calling the apartment home for the summer. The likable YouTubers (I guess they do exist!) and the actress out of her element make for a fine trio to deal with the escalating awfulness. The YouTube psychic they have on hand delivers the horrible history of the place (severed flesh clogging the drains, occult activity, sawed flesh) and promises he’ll help them out and stay with them in the small, abandoned apartment. Their irresponsible manager drops them off, wishes them luck and goes on his merry way but that’s social media for ya… I guess. Multiple spirits pop up and not all of them are malicious. The actress wants out after a troubling first night but her useless manager tells her it’s going to take at least two days to pull those strings. Unfortunately, a disturbing truth will be revealed before that. The “psychic” never shows, the spookiness seems to be more willing to show itself to Himeko, there’s a few striking scares mixed in with the boring ones and a scene of cheap, graphic violence is jarring but memorable. Standard stuff but likable leads help and once it gets mean and nasty, it gets interesting… even if the movie is almost over by that point. I don’t think I’ve ever had a movie win me over in the last twenty minutes like this.