The Call (2020) (USA)

⭐️1/2

In the fall of 1987, Chris moves to the small town of Willow Falls and immediately catches the eye of classmate Tanya. He meets her friends and they bring him into their ritual of terrorizing local “witch” Edith Cranston (genre queen Lin Shaye) who they believe responsible for the disappearance of Tanya’s little sister. After plenty of torment, Edith hangs herself and her husband (Tobin Bell) puts a plan in motion to get some revenge. He calls the teens over to his home. Turns out Edith had included all four of the dinks in her will and there’s a cool 100K in it for each of them if they perform a simple task. Each kid is invited, one at a time, to make a phone call and on the other end of the line is the phone that was buried with Edith. If they can last a minute, the money is theirs but things are never that simple and a personal hell is about to be unleashed on each of the teens. The cast ain’t half bad and there’s a small amount of creepiness in the works but I found myself dozing off more than once.

Kaalo (2010) (India)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had some fairly low expectations going into Kaalo. From what I had read it was a semi-remake of Jeepers Creepers II with some minor Indian flourishes. While there is barely any dancing and singing, Kaalo still manages to retain enough of that classic psychotronic Eastern cinema vibe to keep me smiling. It's cheap as all hell but that's just part of the charm. In the 18th century, the desert village of Kulbhata was terrorized by an evil witch. This witch was sacrificing young girls in pursuit of immortality. The villagers eventually fought back and killed the monster but lived in constant fear of her returning. It became too much and Kulbhata was abandoned and has remained a ghost town for over two hundred years. Enter a small construction crew disturbing the empty village and faster than you can say "you really shouldn't be doing that" the crew is dead and the angry monstrosity is back with a vengeance. Nearby, a bus has just picked up a young man who goes by the name Sameer. He's on his way home with a bunch of dynamite and a plan to end a bad drought in his hometown. Handsome and brooding, it's quite obvious Sameer will be our hero. Also joining him on this ten hour bus journey is an older couple in route to see their grandson, a young girl on her way to her grandmother's house, a couple of lovebirds, a model and her photographer (who resembles an Indian Paul Naschy) and a quartet of rowdy young men on their way to a wedding (one of them vaguely resembles Artie Lange). There was also a family of four scheduled for travel but they are done away with by Kaalo before the bus can get to them. The group encounters a mysterious gorge in the middle of the road and are forced to change their course setting. This puts them traveling right through the cursed village of Kulbhata. The only one weary of this change of plans is the elderly priest who knows what evil supposedly lurks there. Nobody listens to him and they commence with the journey. Sure as shit, Kaalo strikes from the sky (she has poorly rendered CGi wings) and from below (she speedily travels through underground caves, popping up on her unexpected victim) with her nasty-looking antique battle axe. Sameer and the young girl forge a delightful friendship and he becomes her protector when it becomes clear what the old creature is after. There is a reoccurring song that shows up randomly but it doesn't slap like the dance numbers in other Indian fare. It's mostly played over existing dialogue so it just serves to make it look like it's being horrendously synced. There's some blood but nothing massive (as is common) and the infighting amongst the group is kept to a minimum. The witch is fun looking and the awful CGI accompanying her is pretty damn endearing. Add to that a likable cast and you have a moderately fun film that goes 90 minutes (as opposed to the two hour plus runtimes I've grown accustomed to).

Backwoods Marcy (1999) (USA)

⭐️1/2

A sleazy businessman from the big city gets himself lost in the Jersey Pine Barrens on his way to find some shithole in the middle of nowhere. He comes across a weirdo homeless woman and his quick business trip turns into a nightmare. After accidentally running over the woman, he flees on foot when his car refuses to start and she attacks. The incredibly slow chase is on and our “hero” learns that Marcy is not one to be fucked with. She rapes him at knifepoint and then throws him in a cage while she dances with his suit coat for what feels like a couple of hours. Rubber body parts come into play and so does a little cannibalism. During another attempted rape, he manages to get close enough to a fire and burn through the rope that has his wrists bound. He tosses Marcy into the fire and flees again. Her crispy ass keeps on coming and I keep checking how much time is left in the damn thing. The film hits the dumb but suitable end and then fucking refuses to wrap it up. Crap audio and a lethargic pace had me drifting off more than once and the damn thing just keeps on going. A dead prostitute, a climactic fight in dirty water, man ass and the acting chops of Mrs. Fingerbottom’s 4th grade production of Othello will either pluck your SOV heartstrings or have you banging your head against the wall… I now have brain damage.

Avalanche Sharks (2014) (Canada)

aka Snow Sharks/Sharkalanche/Avalanche Shark Attack/Ice Jaws/Fear Premiere and the Hunt for Porn in Ray’s Basement 

⭐️⭐️1/2

A spring break trip to a ski-resort has more trouble than broken limbs and pointy nips, apparently some Native American spirit summoned snow sharks long ago as a means for vengeance. Reawakening after a combination of intentionally triggered avalanches and accidental impalement… it happens! Now yesteryear’s problem has become today’s catastrophe and a ragtag group of heroes must team up to save their asses from gettin’ eaten by apex predator mountain fish thanks to those in power being the usual pieces of shit. A laid-back sheriff has to get his ass into gear as poor fucks keep on vanishing, eaten by the shimmerin’ snow sharks or ice sharks or whatever the hell they are. His wife had an encounter with the beasts decades ago and is still trying to prove their existence. There’s also a panicking mountain man with an awesome husky who knows about them-there snow sharks or ice sharks or whatever, the lazy head-of-the-ski-patrol/douchebag who can’t be bothered to do his damn job and a scuzzy resort owner who refuses to treat anything as seriously as he should. There’s shots of slow motion skiing, slow motion snowmobiling and slow motion plowing (not in the fun way) to stretch that runtime out in between the people being introduced solely to get themselves eaten. There’s a bunch going on that really doesn’t matter and plenty of folks talking about things that somewhat matter but there’s also bikini babes being eaten by a ridiculous threat and said threat jumping out of the snow to snatch up skiers… so… win? Not gonna be mad at something where everyone that should get eaten, gets eaten… or at least badly injured.

Bride of the Monster (1955) (USA)

aka The Atomic Monster/Monster of the Marshes 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Outside of town, in an ominous mansion, disgraced and reclusive Dr. Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi, naturally) uses atomic power to turn people into super humans. At least, he’d like to. So far all he has going for him is a pile of corpses, a mute monster/servant named Lobo (Tor Johnson, naturally) and a gigantic octopus. I mean, I’d be content with those things but I’m a simple man. Reporter Janet Lawton decides to do some snooping and connect the high strangeness unfolding at the mansion to the string of disappearances befalling men in the area being blamed on a supposed monster hanging around a the neighboring swamp (called Lake Marsh… come on now). She gets kidnapped (following a car accident on her way out there) by the mad doctor and her detective fiancé, Dick Craig, goes looking for her. A professor (who was brought in to assist the Scottish government with the Loch Ness Monster) is also out hanging around the swamp, intrigued by the stories of the monster. Janet is kept under Lugosi’s hypnotic spell anytime she gets testy and Lobo gets whipped anytime he gets annoying. Secret labs, immobile cephalopods, stock footage and actors with the talent of dry lumber should make you smile unless your heart is cold and dead. Lugosi brings the histrionics and it’s pretty wonderful to see him being utilized this close to the end of his life. Ed Wood gets a bad rap but he’s become a bit more appreciated as a fine purveyor of schlock by fans nowadays. Hell, his work is better than 75% of the shit I’ve sat through on Tubi from the 2010s - 2020s and 100% better than 200-million-dollar-budgeted The Eternals… so eat a dick, Marvel.

All the Kind Strangers (1974) (USA)

aka Evil in the Swamp 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Stacy Keach is a photo-journalist on his way to California via the backroads of America. Somewhere in Nowhere, TN he comes across a young boy wandering the side road with a heavy bag and gives him a lift to his farmhouse in the middle of deep south wilderness. Well, this is the seventies and as seventies backwoods films have taught me; no good deed goes unpunished. A stalled car and bad storm gets him postponing his hasty exit but he won’t be leaving anytime soon anyways. The farmhouse is home to a gang of orphans and they’ve decided Jimmy Wheeler is the perfect man to be their new father figure. Samantha Eggar is stuck there as well, playing the mother figure and obviously terrified about her situation. Jimmy realizes how serious these kids are and that the string of men who have refused or failed at playing the part are no longer walking this earth. Dogs and violence keep the “parents” in line. Keach takes the role of strict father eventually but he’s still planning on making his escape. The group of children is led by eldest son Peter, a young John Savage (looking both youthful and old at the same time) who is just as intense as he’s ever been. TV terror is family friendly but still weird enough to work, which you can say about a surprising amount of television horror from the time. Hell, I was even rooting for a happy ending, a strong cast is to blame for that and it may be cheesy but fuck it. That 1974 release date had me expecting the worst.

Dark Glasses (2022) (Italy/France)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Hey! It’s Dario Argento and he’s doing stuff. The last time he did stuff was a decade ago and it involved Count Dracula transforming into a giant praying mantis… I should rewatch Dracula 3D because that is honestly the only thing I remember about that movie. Anyways, Dario is back and he’s brought his daughter with him. Asia Argento has been in things, she was in Land of the Dead but that may have been Michelle Rodriguez, I’m not going to double check because I’d rather be fisted by an un-manicured polar bear than even think of that piece of crap again and I’m also lazy. So what’s Dario unleashing on the world now that he’s gotten the praying-mantis-vampires out of his system? Well, he’s going a bit standard. Following a solar eclipse, a killer is garroting prostitutes in Italy. One high-end escort, by the name of Diana, manages to escape him but unfortunately is blinded in a car accident during her flight. This accident takes more than her vision, it also claims the life of a young Chinese boy’s father. Fortunately for the youth, he was safe from any harm (physical, I guess… I’m sure mentally there’s gonna be a few years of night terrors and adult bed wetting) in the back seat. Diana wakes up in a clinic with a slim chance of ever regaining her vision. The little boy has no chance of regaining his dad. Diana goes home and soon meets Rita, an instructor sent her way from The Association of the Blind and Visually Impaired played by Asia Argento who is aging like a fine wine. Diana adjusts to her new situation and gets herself a badass guide dog named Nerea. Diana also takes an interest in the 7-year-old boy she kinda orphaned (his mom is in a coma but she probably won’t be waking up) and he runs away from the orphanage to wait with her for his mom to get better so he can avoid going into the foster system. It’s a smart move. They bond and the masked madman begins stalking the prey that got away. Detectives investigate but you know it’s gonna be up to our hero and her child sidekick, Chin, to put a stop to the horrors. Black gloves, red blood, a thumping score and a few well-composed visuals mingle with shaky acting, “interesting” character choices and even more “interesting” plot points (friggin’ water snakes, man) but that’s nothing new for this flavor of cheese. It’s kinda lame but after whatever the hell Dracula 3D was, I think I’m ok with lame. I like Asia Argento, I ran into her once at a hotel bar and she was really personable and talkative once she realized I just wanted to drink and talk about POGS… although, it may have been Michelle Rodriguez.