⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Nearing the end of his long life and worried about what waits after the final breath is taken, the wealthy Rudolph Deutsch puts together a small team to prove or disprove that life goes on after death. The perfect location has been picked, the infamous Belasco House better known as Hell House “the Mount Everest of haunted houses”. If a place was to be haunted, it would be this spot thanks to the actions of noted deviant Emeric Belasco. Belasco, nicknamed the Roaring Giant, would hold parties that consisted of orgies and I’d imagine the kind of things Jeffrey Epstein and his entourage would find great excitement in. The last shindig ended in a massacre of all participants and the vanishing of the notorious Belasco. The team consists of skeptical physicist Dr. Lionel Barrett, his dutiful wife Ann, a naive mental medium Florence Tanner and the only surviving/intact and still kinda sane member of a prior investigation into the house, physical medium Benjamin Franklin Fischer (a still deeply missed Roddy McDowall). The hefty sum of money being offered gets everyone to silence any nagging doubts about diving deep into the paranormal. McDowall works as the bug-eyed expert on the location and the fiend who once laid claim to it, filling in all the startling details of the long and troubled history. Since he’s so damn good at his job, you don’t need any graphic flashbacks, you just need a storyteller offering up the proper emotion to convince of the severity. The doctor is working on a theory involving proven energies causing the disturbances that appear as hauntings, he even has a newly built machine that he believes can drain said energy. Following a séance, the youthful Tanner is convinced that one of the entities hanging around is that of Belasco’s benevolent (and supposedly non-existent) son, Daniel, and he’s simply looking for a way to leave behind this traumatic location trapping him for eternity. They’re both very wrong and it’s going to cost them because there is something in the house and it knows exactly what it’s doing. Ann begins to lean into a sexually charged debauchery that is terrifying her when she’s in control and the intensity behind what walks the halls of the house steadily grows. The malevolent spirit of Belasco exploits both of the bullheaded protagonists, caring not that one is completely dismissive of anything existing outside of scientific reason while the other refuses to accept that her mysticism can be leading her astray. Caught between these opposing “religions” is a medium who recognizes the dangers of the house thanks to his history with it and a woman who doesn’t really have a stance. They go through hell but they also manage to make it out alive whereas the two who refuse to believe there’s a flaw in their logic end up paying the price because it makes them easier to manipulate. Psychology is used to defeat the evil thanks to utilizing information from both sides and it’s proven that even in death, the human ego causes all sorts of problems. Thats a hell of a fine angle for a haunted house flick to run with. John Hough does a wonderful job with Richard Matheson’s script working from his excellent novel that scared the ever-lovin’ shit out of me when I first read it. All of this is aided by a cast in top form treating the material with respect, an impressive set design and an unsettling score.
aka Sex Crimes/Crimes of the Flesh
⭐️1/2
The sleaziest family in Italy gather at an empty hotel, waiting for the funeral of their rich old uncle. They spend most of their time boning and eventually a few of them end up dead. They probably could figure out who the dangerous one among them is but (as I said) they are way too busy going balls deep into each other. There's plenty of awkward sex to help the J&B go down a bit smoother but if you're looking for more than that, you are out of luck. Aided a little by a cool score and some striking photography but it's still a slog to get through. A sad final film for the tragic Marc Porel.
⭐️⭐️1/2
There’s a long and troubling history involving missing persons in Rudwick Forest, all said to be the work of a witch. This spookiness is why three paranormal investigators are digging deep into the local legend. It’s set around recovered footage so you should be able to guess just how real the supposed curse is. The opening scene involving a mother and daughter features the expected poor performance from a child and predictable scare but it is the footage that gets our team interested in the area so without it we’d have nothing to watch… so I’ll take it. Local color warns of how dangerous the forest is and not just due to the supernatural shenanigans purportedly running rampant in the dark woods. The town neighboring the woods is going through some hard economic times so there may be some missing people but there’s also a few who have gone out to the isolated spot to quit being a burden on their loved ones. Missing kids have also led to parental grief and suicide has been an answer for more than a few distraught parents. The trio rent out a cabin from a former ranger who worked in Rudwick Forest and he claims the area is unsettling but he has no concrete proof of anything supernatural roaming around. He even takes them on a nighttime tour of his old route but he also refuses to journey all that deep, even if he may not believe there’s a witch in the area, he doesn’t feel like pressing his luck. So the three go on without him and almost immediately hear a woman crying. Nothing spooky, just a hysterical mother searching for her daughter. So it’s just more of a bummer than anything. An ex-cop steps in to collect the woman and tells the young investigators that they should probably go home. Unexpectedly, they listen to him. Waiting for them at their rental house is a VHS tape with a note attached that says “Watch me.” It’s footage of a woman trying to find her son in the pitch black woods with only her camera light to guide her. She stumbles across a mirror in the woods (nope) and starts talking to an invisible someone about doing anything to get her baby back. It ends with her cutting her own throat but props for being able to catch it on your own handheld camera… proud of you, crazy woman! They take it to the former cop and he points them in the direction of a local father who lost his daughter and who has come to believe the story of the witch. The unhinged man (Nelson, if you must know) is convinced he can summon said witch and get his daughter back. The three go to see him and he greets them with a shotgun but once they explain who they are, he welcomes them in his home. Nelson shares his story and then convinces them to head out to the woods with him so he can show them how to bring forth the witch and get his daughter back. It seems like it’s working and our group of heroes are in for one hell of a time. Appalachian tree art turns up, stupid choices are made, infighting begins and something spooky appears. This all seems more than a little familiar. Nelson is not great when it comes to acting (which becomes clear thanks to his integral role in the final act) but he does seem to enjoy walking backwards looking all menacing so I guess he has that going for him. Don’t let the shaky opening performances deter you, if ya got a little inkling’ for found footage horror you could do a hell of a lot worse. In a shocking turn of events, all three protagonists are likable… yes, even the cameraman. Huzzah! Granted, you’re definitely thinking Blair Witch through most of the runtime but it fails to dig itself under your skin thanks to better equipment and an actual entity showing up on camera. I’m not saying it’s God’s gift to many people’s least-favorite sub-genre but I didn’t hate it and I’ve hated a bunch of these shaky cam turds I’ve come across.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Yep. It's exactly what it sounds like. Throwing the notion of poor taste out the window and into the street to be hit by a garbage truck, L.A. AIDS Jabber was unleashed on an unsuspecting public at a time when the virus was terrifying the masses. There's a long history involving HIV in the United States and it is a depressing look at bigotry and an unsympathetic government, so I don't really feel like getting all three of you who read these things down in the dumps. Let's just say that a Reagan-run government dragged their feet in dealing with an epidemic because it seemed to only be hitting minorities and homosexuals, and leave it at that. Not wanting to miss a chance to make some money off of a nightmare residing in the subconscious of anyone watching the news, Drew Godderis (who you may know as Uncle Anwar from Blood Diner) put his creative mind behind this little seen SOV turd. 19-year-old Jeff Roberts is awaiting some test results after visiting his doctor because of stomach pains. When he goes in to learn what ails him it turns out it's not the easily blamed junk food. No, Jeff has contracted AIDS and as much as his living-mannequin-of-a-doctor tells him there are treatments, Jeff knows that no matter how much you treat it, AIDS is still going to kill you eventually. Already suffering some psychological issues (he's got an unhealthy hatred towards women) the news of his oncoming end breaks him completely. Anger takes hold and instead of blowing his brains out, he decides a better course of action is to lash out and the AIDS Jabber is born. Jeff has a hit list which is comprised of people he feels could have transmitted the virus to him and some folks he just has issues with. He fills a syringe with his blood and begins sticking the folks with the infected needle. It's not long before two derpy detectives are on the case. Not wanting to cause a panic when they figure out that the first jabbing was not a random occurrence, they try to keep their investigation under wraps. Unfortunately, a journalist with a radio-obsessed brother (who sports one hell of a mullet) discovers that the Jabber is terrorizing the streets of L.A. and sees one hell of a fame-bringing opportunity. For a film with so much going on, it's amazing how it feels like nothing is happening. There's a few subplots that briefly stretch out the runtime but are skipped over so quickly, you're just left scratching your head as to why the hell they were thrown in. The acting is the quality one has come to expect from films of this vintage with explosive overacting only peaking its head out every so often. Most of the time you have to check for a pulse, as mumbling and nervous line reading keeps most of the actors coming off as well-meaning automatons. The sun-drenched Los Angeles streets mix well with the incredibly grimy living locations of most of the characters. The plot is simple enough (even with the senseless subplots thrown in) but it all leads to an ending that, not only, negates everything but makes no fucking sense. Thanks to the subject matter this film could have been an incredibly disturbing trip but the general lack of talent in front of and behind the camera elicits more laughs than shocks. I'm pretty thankful for that.
aka Nazi Dawn
⭐️⭐️
Do you know what’s worse than a Nazi war criminal? The vengeful spirit of a Nazi war criminal. Sorority girls, although not my favorite, aren’t as bad as Nazi war criminals… well, some in the Deep South might be but I can’t speak from experience. Skanky college gals summon a spirit for kicks, this spirit spent his living days doing horrible things during WW2, this spirit is also the great ancestor of a new and nerdy pledge, Dawn. Her sorority sisters manipulate her to open up her ancestral home in the countryside (which is definitely a well-populated piece of Los Angeles) for a weekend getaway. The place once hosted extravagant parties but was closed off for unknown reasons some years ago. That’s where tomfoolery and Nazi summoning comes into play. Dawn’s awful ancestor soon rises from the dead, takes possession of a dope and a machete to the cast. He eventually possesses his great-great granddaughter after they play with a Ouija board and that’s bad news for the bitchy sorority president and nondescript goobers. Terrible acting mingles with plentiful titties and humor Lloyd Kaufman would cut from a script for not working. A mentally challenged caretaker gives them a tour and I really wish I could have those few minutes that feel like a few hours back. A paint huffing woman warns the girls they should leave due to the evil and a home full of Nazi memorabilia hammers the point home that someone had this crap handy to use as set dressing. Coolduder shows up, much to my endless disdain, as one of dudes that intrude upon the party the girls are having. A ghost warns Dawn about her evil family but focusing on all that troublesome shit (swastikas and coolduder would send me running) would hamper the partying. We’re nearing forty minutes and almost nothing has happened, there’s been some floating POV and some nipples but that will only get me so far. A backwoods idiot finds a skull in a shed but then that doesn’t lead to anything all that quick anyways. Veronica Ricci is hot as the witchy redhead sorority girl but, much like most of these gals, her character is so far from human that it’s hard to give a shit. She also vanishes for a large chunk of the movie. I’m also a fan of the southern lesbian… she accepts everyone for who they are. I’m a fan hotties but nothing and coolduder are a fucking issue. Missy Martinez (Milf Mayhem 3 and Electrosluts) gets her implants chopped off, Veronica Ricci gets a snake bite to the buns and fake blood ruins more than a few pieces of clothing. Mostly braindead, mostly boring but some trashy ladies and poor filmmaking at least brings a few smiles.
aka Tales from the Crypt II/Further Tales from the Crypt
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Amicus strikes again! Five men board a lift in a downtown office building and end up in what appears to be a sub-basement gentleman’s club. Accepting that they’ll have to wait for assistance, they grab a drink and eventually begin speaking to each other about their recurring nightmares. Said nightmares make up the anthology. Midnight Mess follows a murderous young man as he tracks his sister to a strange small town where everyone seems awfully concerned about being out after dark. He’s there because the passing of their father has left her all of the family fortune which the man cannot abide by. With her dead, he stands to make a nice chunk of change but there’s going to be an unexpected problem when it comes to leaving the village with any of his blood still in his veins. The casting of actual siblings Daniel and Anna Massey is a wonderful little spot of fun and the twist is perfect for the EC inspiration. A short and solid opener. The Neat Job has a fussy elderly bachelor (Terry-Thomas who came to a memorable end in The Abominable Dr. Phibes) snagging himself a trophy wife in the lovely Glynis Johns. His ceaseless nagging, refusal to accommodate and demands for perfection lead to a wonderfully sinister and well-deserved downfall. Johns and Thomas are perfect in this and make the short tale of just desserts fly by in a flash which is unfortunate because it would have been a blast to spend more time with this duo. “Everything in its place and a place for everything!” This Trick'll Kill You finds a magician and his wife in India seeking out new tricks for his act and he’s willing to stoop to criminal acts to accomplish his goal. A rope trick catches his eye and when the young woman who performs it refuses to sell it to him, his scheming ass murders the young girl with the help of his wife. Well, the impressive trick is not really a trick at all and that comes back to bite the greedy white folks in their pasty asses. Another solid yarn with suitably despicable characters facing macabre comeuppance. I know not everyone would get excited about a murder-rope but it’s my kind of weird and, let’s not forget, I am an idiot. Bargain in Death concerns a man with a nice mustache and silver hair combo finding himself buried alive after faking his death. It’s an insurance scheme that goes to Hell because people are scumbags, double crossing screws everything up and sometimes desperate med students make terrible choices. A bit silly and kind of a nothing portion in the end. A bearded Tom Baker shows up in Drawn and Quartered as a struggling painter currently holed up in Haiti. He assumes his art to be worthless thanks to the words of a critic and his own agent but a friend tracks him down through circumstance and lets him know he’s a hit back home. When he hears the names of the people who are profiting, he is on the other side of happy. In fact, he heads to a local witchdoctor to get himself some revenge through Voodoo. This leads to his art effecting reality and an ability to deal out comeuppance with the stroke of a pencil or brush. That’s all fine and dandy as long as you keep destructive chemicals away from any self portrait. Guess what happens. Denholm Elliot graces us with his presence as a slimy art buyer. A fine tale but one that could have taken more time with its story. The tales of terror come to a close and the men realize just what fate has brought them to this strange room. It’s a fine time but doesn’t really have much staying power thanks to its refusal to draw anything out. Whereas Tales featured a couple tidbits with some true staying power, Vault fits more in line with reading a collection of creepy shorts and then going on to the next batch of stories. It’s still a good time, even if it is lacking much substance. Not having Cushing and Collins may also have something to do with that.
NOTHING! YOU DID IT AGAIN! SHAME! SHAME!
As the last outing ended with the reveal of the true killer and a middle finger to the audience with “To Be Continued” splashed across the screen, I put on a brave face and prepared to watch a Dustin Ferguson movie immediately following a Dustin Ferguson movie. Not all heroes wear capes but this hero did pour himself a hefty glass of Basil Hayden Toast (it’s 10 AM somewhere!) to help out. The final minutes of Part 4 play out and we join last-lady-standing Raven as she sleeps and dreams of that fateful trip to the woods. This, naturally, leads to extended footage of her mother showering. Raven, naturally, goes for a long walk. Thank god it’s all caught on camera! This walk brings her to a Halloween shop where she looks around and tries on some shit. Thank god it’s all caught on camera! Wait. This is all very familiar. Raven seems to be handling the slaughter of her friends, current and ex boyfriend pretty well but she does tell one of her remaining friends that she is seeing a therapist. Coolduder shows up to talk on the phone again because the world is a cruel and awful place. Raven and her mom watch TV (hit that footage of Things and whatever other Sterling Entertainment tape was available because why make your own movie when you can just spend a ridiculous amount of runtime showing your characters watch something else… I’m jealous and wait, this feels really familiar) and then Raven stares at her reflection the next day. Two dinks out walking get murdered by someone in a clown mask and then we join Raven explaining the plot of the last film to her therapist. Of course, Dustin Ferguson uses this as an excuse to fill more runtime with footage from his last fucking movie. We are almost at the fifty minute mark and there’s mostly been no point but to show footage from other movies. We even get the opening scene from Part 4 that Raven was not connected to. With about ten minutes left in the movie, Raven decides to head back to Camp Blood and prove that the real killer clown is still wandering the woods. Another giant FUCK YOU from Dustin Ferguson wins at being impressively lazy and almost completely pointless. Thank god for the bourbon and the ability to fast forward the large chunk of this movie that is just the prior movie.
