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The nearly decades-old mystery behind a group of missing well-off teenage boys brings a team of paranormal investigators to a sacred cave system in the Malibu hills looking for some answers. The misadventure of the teens is told through the lens of found footage while standard opening leads to a viewing of the edited program the paranormal investigators are piecing together with access to the SD card of the video recorded by the missing high-schoolers and plenty of documentary footage done by the team, we get a nice slab of mockumentary fun to fill is in on all the spookiness of the unsolved case. While hiking on some land with plenty of history and camping on a summit that was the site of a massacre, the obnoxious teens disturb some burial grounds and eventually come across a cave hidden in the side of a steep hill. One dude accidentally ingests some muffins loaded with shrooms (being hungry and an idiot, he eats more than anyone should) and goes on a very heavy trip as night falls. It would seem that what the three other boys dismiss as hallucinations may be contact with some sort of entity. It falls apart shortly after with the discovery of bones and a revelation of missing grandparents by one of the kids. The tripping dope goes missing and their search for him brings them back to the cave. The footage ends following a cave-in. With several images of some kind of apparition appearing on the footage, the paranormal team believes they can get in there and make contact with the entity and solve the mystery. The team figures out just what is haunting the cave and it’s a doozy that I will not spoil here but, needless to say, this likable group of ghost hunters may be pretty fucked. It’s a nice molding of found footage within a cinematic style as the investigation watches the concerning video of an ill-fated nightmare and then begin to fall to the same threat. Plus it managed to get me with a jump scare (choreographed as it was), and I’ll always appreciate that.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A search and (hopefully) rescue mission is mounted in the Alaskan wilderness when oil man Merriell Sunday Sr (Corbin “By God” Bernsen) and Hollis Bannister (William “By God” Sadler) go missing. Leading the expedition is blowhard Merriell Sunday Jr. along with his young assistant Parker. His team consists of Leander Coates (a war hero with tin mask covering half of his face due to a horrific injury keeping all of them safe), Dr. Margaret Lamb (animal expert and twin sister of a missing member of Sunday Sr’s team), Booker Marchmint (radio communications ace and hero of the Enola Gay played by my dude Jim Cummings from The Wolf of Snow Hollow) and the suitably named “Dynamite” Daniel Hewitt (demolition expert and certified bumpkin)… all introduced in a news segment which is delightfully corny. The last addition is a cartography professor and the estranged daughter of Hollis Bannister who Jr has chosen to navigate his search efforts. The vanished men managed to capture something unknown to science in the unforgiving wild and it sure as hell came back to bite them in the ass. Now, this ragtag group of adventurers have their hands full in a dangerous environment with something vicious. Frustration leads to tension in the ranks and the apex predator roaming the land magnifies the growing dread as the dwindling group hold up in the abandoned outpost of the men they’re looking for. Corbin Bernsen gets to show up and have some fun while letting the survivors in on just what the hell went down out in the Alaskan wilds. Just the idea of a period piece (1940s) cryptid flick has this monster kid doing a little jig and a cast of fleshed out (by monster movie standards) characters reminds me of those monster flicks from the fifties I would watch continuously with my parents. The man-in-a-suit beast is kept off screen for most of the runtime and it fits the whole feeling of what it’s going for. This honestly carries the atmosphere of those creature features of my youth just with more blood. That’s high praise from me. It unfortunately loses itself as it stumbles over the finish line and hits the “man is the real monster” notes that weren’t really necessary but it does allow Mr. Bernsen to be a real prick so it’s not a complete loss. All in all, the had a good time with this one.
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Traveling through the Southwestern United States with his daughter, paleontologist/anthropologist Dr. Mercer Boley takes a gander at intriguing bones recently excavated in Arizona by a local coot. The doctor may call the bones bullshit right to Uncle Willy’s face but an attack on the shed where the remains are stashed necessitate a change of opinion. The skeletal remains force a colony of actual friggin’ gargoyles to make their presence known, hoping to grab the proof and go on existing outside of the purview of mankind. Uncle Willy doesn’t survive the attack but the father and daughter manage to escape the burning shed. Papa grabs the skull before making his exit and this gets them winged-demons hot on their tails. The police think a group of dirt bikers are behind the damage to Uncle Willy’s shack but the doctor and his daughter know that ain’t true. The slow motion creatures manage to get their claws on the skull but one of them gets hit by truck as they flee. Now the doctor has a fresh corpse to examine as opposed to some bleached old bones. The daughter confides in lead biker (an almost unrecognizable Scott Glenn) but he dismisses her claims of reptile humanoids stalking the land. Eventually the daughter gets abducted by the beasties and learns why they’re raising such a big stink about staying in the shadows. Her panicking papa pleads for help from the cops and the dirt bikers. The gargoyle costumes are pretty damn fun (legendary effects man Stan Winston had a hand in ‘em) and Bernie Casey adds a certain level of gravitas as the leader of the gargoyle clan which is even more impressive when you realize they overdubbed his voice with a different actor’s. The damn thing does not shy away from showcasing its monsters, which puts it a step above other TV terrors of the time. It’s still a little lame but what are you gonna do… there’s also a gargoyle on horseback and how the fuck do you expect me to hate something that throws that at me?
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Our boys Dillon and Rock are back but things are shaken up this time when it concerns our giant and hairy beast buddy. Ya see, some black market poachers have gotten their hands on the big man thanks to wildfires driving it out into the open. They get it to a lab and of course those big brains fuck up and Joe frees himself and he sure as shit ain’t happy. That’s right, Tahoe Joe has escaped and he’s now roaming the suburbs of Reno, NV! It’s up to our lovable duo of filmmakers (who now investigate the paranormal under the name of The Joe Bros Mystery Team… somebody better call their wives because these dads are out of control!) to take care of things because who better than a couple rad dads who have already dealt with the legendary monster multiple times? At least, that’s what a young ranger assumes when she reaches out to the Joe Bros. Now, when you raise your eyebrows and spirits to the thought of Bigfoot rampaging through Reno just realize it’s more along the lines of Jason taking Manhattan as we don’t get a whole lot of the wonderful idea of Sasquatch in suburbia. Ramped up mayhem and Sasquatch action paints a big ol’ grin on my stupid face as middle aged men get massacred by and/or hunt down that pissed off cryptid. It’s bigger and more mentally challenged than what has come before and you won’t hear me complaining. Listen. I love Bigfoot, I love found footage, I love a goofy-ass Bigfoot costume getting plenty of camera time and I love these movie-making dads, so I’m the right damn audience for this stuff even if it drags a bit and gets progressively sillier as it goes on.
aka Tahoe Joe 2: Bigfoot Conspiracy
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After the release of Tahoe Joe garnered some notable attention (mostly criticism and skepticism) it inspired a trending challenge for monster hunters and influencers alike to head out to the area of the film and see if they can get some proof of the legend. Well, some ill-prepared social media dopes get themselves attacked by something and this ends up bringing our hero Michael Rock back into the wilderness to help figure out what the hell happened to the surviving influencer’s friend. Rock catches us up on what went down in the previous outing with all the cryptid hijinks and government bullshit. Rock has a nagging feeling of responsibility for what happened to the missing girl so he meets with Evie to discuss what the hell happened and what can be done. After watching some pretty convincing footage from the missing girl’s phone, Mr. Rock agrees to head out and hopefully rescue her if she’s still breathing. He stops by Dillon’s to let him know he’s heading back and Dillon refuses to go due to promising his family he would never journey out there again. Well, of course he shows up the next day to join his buddy on the return trip to the dangerous territory. They encounter a chonky wolf, a corpse and then a group of armed idiots up to no good in the woods. The gang of unlikable dopes are some kind of backwoods bear poachers or something. Apparently they’ve been protecting their territory and are pissed that the duo of movie makers have brought a shit-ton of interlopers. The head of this little gang is hellbent on catching Tahoe Joe. Joe attacks, our heroes escape, a middle-aged man fight happens, special agents turn up and Rock learns a valuable lesson or two. Various footage is shared from several sources building on the mythology and threat of the creature and there’s a larger budget behind them this time, Dillon Brown and Michael Rock are able to do some impressive world building on their still limited funds. It’s sillier and the utilization of more actors on a budget doesn’t lead to the best of performances but I’m here for a found footage Bigfoot flick and this one at least cuts loose when it gets the chance. I think the more intimate first one worked better but this is still a pretty fun time and gets a bit ridiculous. I’m good with that.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Filmmaker Dillon Brown heads into the Nevada portion of the Sierra Nevadas with his buddy and former Green Beret (now a survival expert) Michael Rock to document an attempt at finding a missing person. Mike received some troubling info from the missing man’s son after dad vanished while tracking down the titular Sasquatch, even catching some footage of the creature stalking through the background of his shots right before disappearing off the face of the earth. All the evidence is pointing to a fatal attack by the creature. The man’s son, Jaylin, joins them on their quest for answers (but decides he can’t do it after being flown out and revealing he sustained a neck injury the last time he was out there looking for his papa) as well as a “dude from the Internet” who also caught footage of the infamous local cryptid and rocks some solid mutton chops. Internet dude believes the government is up to no good in the area and the strange electrical issues seem to prove his point, as much as our two leads believe him to be full of shit. They hike deeper into the woods with Internet guy as their guide, trusting him less and less as they set up camp for the night in the area where he last saw the hairy hominid. A confrontation between the armed drunk man and the former soldier leads to Internet guy roaming off. They find him that night, bloodied and unresponsive and they decide to get the hell out of the area. Hiking in the dark blows but it’s especially awful when you’re being hunted by North American forest apes with a violent temper… trust me, I know. There’s not much action in the opening stretch but it doesn’t really hinder anything, it remains intriguing and on solid ground thanks to the interesting situation and a couple of leads with their feet firmly planted in reality. It may just be because I’ve spent so much time drowning in the ocean of diarrhea that is no-budget found footage horror but this one was solid.
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With their relationship feeling the strains of life and longevity, a married couple retreat to a secluded cabin to work on things and take a little break from their current crap. There’s only one rule they are to follow and it’s to stay the hell out of the locked room at the end of the hall marked “Owner’s Closet”. Proving that even when you’re in your fifties, curiosity can get the better of you, Ethan begins to fixate on what is being hidden behind the door. Whispers, shadows and moving objects spiral into his current obsession with the mysterious room and we see why there’s relationship strain as his poor wife deals with his character flaws. Claire can snipe too but she’s pretty great considering the dope she ended up with. Eventually things get a little too weird and the couple decide to get the fuck out of the place but whatever the hell it is behind the door has other plans. The two have an easy chemistry which helps as we watch the slow deterioration of Ethan’s sanity as it seems something evil is behind the door and messing with him. I’m always down for a horror film the puts up older protagonists against whatever genre threat is conjured by a budget-conscious filmmaker and the rural setting (Mayo, FL if you must know) has a solid quiet vibe that just kind of works with the lulling attitude of the movie. The initial setup of Ethan’s fixation on the locked door feels like something that could be a segment from I Think You Should Leave and I just couldn’t help snickering at Ethan’s tantrums picturing Tim Robinson losing his mind over a room he can’t access. It’s a very slow time but you try moving fast in your fifties, especially in the Florida heat. It’s not annoying, it’s just not much of anything.
