Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker (2002) (Canada/USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Another day, another scuzzball getting his ass stuck in an ugly-tinted afterlife awaiting final judgment for all of his sins. Luckily, our scuzzball is played by Dean fuckin’ Winters and I’m always happy when he shows up outside of those “Mayhem” commercials. He’s a stockbroker with amnesia following a car accident which has put him in the hospital and caused his wife Kirsty (Yes! A returning Ashley Laurence) to go missing (although he’s convinced she drowned but no body, no crime). He suffers intense headaches, horrific visions and his memory has gone to shit, which has the two detectives looking for his wife (or the fate that befell her) pretty damn suspicious of the man. Trevor attempts to piece things together on his own and it begins pointing in a troubling direction, a direction that contains his sleazy actions, the Lament Configuration Box and the dangerous creatures it calls forth. Much hornier than it’s been for a long time and it at least attempts to tie it in to the original, even if it feels a tad half-assed thanks to the lovely Ashley Laurence being relegated to mostly flashbacks. The cast is solid across the board which helps because it takes itself ridiculously serious for such a predictable plot (even though the ending is the right twist) but that’s to be expected following the unnecessarily grave Inferno. Lighten up team! We’ve all seen Se7en… we can be a little lighter in our material about bdsm killers and leather-daddy demons. “If there is a pain in your head… it’s in your head.”

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

Wes Craven puts the supernatural at the forefront of his entry into the slasher subgenre and changes horror flicks forever. No hulking and silent brute with a fetish for sharp instruments, his killer Freddy Krueger (the irreplaceable Robert Englund) is a child murderer with a dark sense of humor who got his ass murdered by local parents after he killed some kids. They burnt his sick ass to a crisp but evil like that can’t just die so now he’s back, inhabiting the dreams (also a boiler room that looks like it’s somewhere below a lower level of Hell) of the children and slaughtering them with his razor-tipped glove as they sleep. Hard to protect yourself when you’re catching some Z’s. Nancy Thompson (the lovely Heather Langenkamp) is the high school hero who has a lot to worry about when her friends start getting wiped out as Fred brings the bad dreams and makes ‘em permanent. When her bestie Tina (a really good and super cute Amanda Wyss) gets murdered in a wonderfully horrific set piece, the blame gets put on her boyfriend and Nancy’s cop father (John fuckin’ Saxon) doesn’t want to hear any of this nightmare killer bullshit. Looks like it’s gonna be up to Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (babyfaced Johnny Depp) to save their own asses… maybe just Nancy, her boy-toy proves to be pretty useless. A horrifying slasher thanks to a distinct look for its antagonist and some wonderful nightmare imagery (stretching arms, shapes in the wall, Tina in a body bag and soggy stairs) really add to the stalk & slash antics. Also helping things is the small batch of victims/friends being terrorized, letting us get to know and like ‘em. Lin Shaye pops up as a teacher and Charles Fleischer as a doctor. Some weak performances and a limp ending don’t really detract that much thanks to an innovative story that birthed a horror icon.

Halloween II (1981) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Braindead follow up to Carpenter’s integral horror film, drops all of the atmosphere and ramps up the sadism. As a slasher fan, I have no problem with this. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis again) is recovering in Haddonfield Memorial following that night’s horrific events and The Shape is taking out townsfolk as he makes his way to the hospital to finish the job. Dr. Sam Loomis (a returning Donald Pleasance) is hot on his trail. An inexplicably deserted hospital becomes a killing ground as Michael Myers takes out the skeleton crew running the place in pursuit of his (sigh) sister. Sister? That’s right, as opposed to keeping their killer extra terrifying by not really giving him any reason for his murder spree, we get some bullshit revelation discovered by Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers, also returning) as they dig into things. There’s a little bit of stupidity on display (the death of Ben Trammer is sort of hilarious) but there’s also one hell of a mean streak that anyone strictly familiar with the original may not have expected. It feels more like an actual “slasher” flick which became popularized by 1980’s Friday the 13th. Curtis spends most of her time underutilized in a hospital bed and a fresh-faced Lance Guest plays a sympathetic EMT.

Hellraiser V: Inferno (2000) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A personal favorite thanks to late-night RC-fueled watchin’ with my buddy Travis, Inferno takes a noir plot (troubled, far from innocent protagonist offering up narration) and places it in the realm of Pinhead and his Leather-Daddy (and Mommy) soldiers. Craig Sheffer (not quite Val Kilmer, not quite David Boreanaz but a whole lotta personality) is sleazy Denver police detective Joseph Thorne, he’s become obsessed with hunting down a brutal serial killer monikered The Engineer. He and his by-the-book partner Tony (Nicholas Turturro) are at a loss as the ritualistic slayings continue with few answers coming their way. At the latest crime scene, Thorne comes across that familiar puzzle box and it’s not long at all before he’s thrust into a hellish world of death and despair. Drugs and guilt are already eating away at our “heroes” mental wellness so he’s prime to collapse entirely as sadistic weirdness begins flooding in while he hunts down a serial killer a few steps ahead of him. The people close to him pay for his downward-spiraling bullshit and Pinhead waits on the sidelines to reveal a larger truth. Scaled down from the prior entry’s time-jumping silliness and anchored by Sheffer giving a suitably scuzzy performance, Infernostands as a solid outing in a series that probably would have fine closing out after the second entry. Not that I’m at all upset we got way more than necessary but everyone knows how my tastes dip on the wrong side of fulfilling. A bearded James Remar lends his gravitas as a shrink Thorne is forced to talk to. Iffy digital effects. Kung-fu cowboys (no, I’m not having a stroke), Michael Shamus Wiles (also a cowboy), half of Chatterer and unimpressive Cenobites are thrown into the predictable script but my nostalgia effects plenty and I remain a fan of all these years later.

Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996) (UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

In the 22nd century on the giant (and familiar-looking) space station Minos, Dr. Paul Merchant works in seclusion as he attempts to right the wrongs his family has unleashed on the world. Ya see, centuries earlier his ancestor was the one who created the Lament Configuration Box which allowed the Cenobites entry into our world. The doctor is now attempting to seal this gateway for good and trap the vicious Cenobites but, as we’re all well aware, those bdsm bastards don’t go down without a fight. His research is halted when a team of soldiers arrive because companies never like it when their ship’s architect takes over the damn thing and sends everyone home. Unfortunately, he has just managed to open the puzzle box and now the soldiers are pretty much fucked until they let the doctor finish his work. While imprisoned he shares his family history to prove why they need to let him conclude what he was attempting when they arrived. We jump back to the creation of the box by a toy maker in 18th century France commissioned by a sleazy, black-magic-obsessed nobleman, Duc de L’lsle. Said nobleman uses the puzzle box in a vicious ritual to summon forth something from Hell which inhabits the peeled skin of a prostitute (maybe just a street urchin) he and his servant Jacques (Adam Scott, years away from Parks and Recreation and Hokum) just murdered. The toy maker manages to see this ritual and feels the responsibility to fix things. The nobleman names the summoned demon Angelique and claims her as his property. The naive young man breaks into the mansion to steal the box back and discovers a dead nobleman and Jacques getting it on with Angelique. Adam Scott lets the toy maker know his bloodline is cursed and then orders Angelique to get rid of him. His worried wife arrives to find her husband in bad shape and he warns her to flee for her life and the life of their unborn child. We then jump to 1996 when Angelique shows up in the dreams of architect John Merchant, causing mental stress on him and his wife. Ya see, she’s been attempting to use his bloodline to create a box that can permanently allow her breed of evil into the world. She decides to journey to America to meet John but a still-living Jacques won’t allow it so… well, that’s a wrap on Adam Scott. She arrives and gets to work calling forth Pinhead to discuss some plans involving the architect and the creation of what they need to unleash Hell on Earth…. and I ain’t talking about Part III. There’s some new lame-ass Cenobites created (really should have brought back the CD tossing dope but we do get a Chatterer doggy, which I’m all for… listen, you already know I’m an idiot) while Angelique (apparently a princess in Hell) seduces John and Pinhead uses other, worse methods to allow evil’s spread. I always found this entry incredibly fun as it jumps through centuries tracking the exploits of the family forever interlaced with Pinhead and his clan but it does cause pacing issues and if you find yourself emotionally invested in any of the characters outside of their attractiveness it is through not effort on the part of the filmmakers. The cast is lead by a derpy protagonist which helps nothing but Valentina Vargas brings the right level of succubus to her role as Angelique and Doug Bradley is his usual solid ass. The space setting was set up to be an interesting aspect to the film but after setting up the intriguing idea of the guilty man looking to fix the horrible mistake of his ancestor far away from people who could be hurt, it kinda gets tossed aside to fill a bodycount provided by soldiers who I couldn’t name at gunpoint and most of the movie takes place in the 90s (where the actual film was supposed to conclude). Oh well, gotta have a bodycount I suppose. Director Kevin Yagher disowned the theatrical cut of the film and kicked the credit over to the pseudonym Alan Smithee to distance himself from the final product which had plenty of nervous producers altering the structure and adding the space wraparound. Again, I love me some 80’s icons in space (I already told you I’m an idiot) wbut Miramax can still go fuck themselves.

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992) (UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I don’t think I’ve hidden the fact that I have a soft spot for “stupid”. Being an idiot sort of makes it necessary but outside of poor decision making and the adventures that leads to, my filmic preferences have always lead me down rabbit holes that were better left unexplored. I only bring this up because I don’t know how many times I’ve recommended this film and it’s followup that even it’s own director disowned to people when I was working behind the counter of a non-chain video store from the age of seventeen to twenty-something. Most folks came back shaking their head and never asking for another recommendation but those select few greeted me with a wide grin and asked for more. I know these movies aren’t “good” but I’ll take them over any of the Saw flicks and the slew of self-important A24 releases… but remember, I also hold Jason X and Amityville Emanuelle in high regard, so it’s probably best to not listen to me. J.P. Monroe is a well-off piece of shit who gets his hands on the Pillar of Souls which contains the soul of Pinhead after the climactic battle from the previous outing. He sets the ugly “art piece” up in his loft above the club he owns and soon discovers that the entity it contains can offer him power and pleasure if he offers up human sacrifices. It’s a deal that couldn’t possibly come back to bite him on his ass! Television journalist Joey Summerskill (Terry Farrell) gets dragged into the dangerous world of Hell Priests and Lament Configuration Boxes when she witnesses the horrific slaughter of a young man by those oh-so-familiar flesh-rendering chains of the Cenobites. One of those chains slices her ankle as the young man is wheeled into the operating room at the crappy hospital Joey is reporting from. The pretty young woman, Terri (lovely Paula Marshall who would later show up in the purposefully stupid Malignant) with the guy points Joey in the direction of her “boyfriend” Morgan’s club The Boiler Room and after further conversation, presents the reporter with that very dangerous puzzle box, warning her that it’s to blame for whatever the hell violent fate came to her friend. So, the two very attractive women begin looking into things with the naive Terri tagging along with the ambitious reporter and getting themselves into very dangerous waters they are ill-prepared to wade through. Joey has dreams about war and a very familiar British soldier who would become something terrifying reaching out for help. Terri runs back to Morgan after she thinks Joey is going to abandon her and when Morgan fails to feed her to Pinhead thanks to some hidden brass knuckles, The Hell Priest convinces her to sacrifice the dink that just attempted to murder her and let loose some Hell. She does and Pinhead is freed into our world. Oh, Terri… sweet baby girl. What have you done? The ghost of Pinhead’s human side attempts to help Ryan put an end to things because the demonic side of him is now unbound and that’s a very dangerous thing. Ryan’s going to have to open the gateway back to Hell (the puzzle box) before Pinhead can destroy it forever. Of course, there will be a massacre at The Boiler Room before any of this “final battle” shit can go down where new Cenobites will be formed and plenty of blood will be spilled. Performances range from Doug Bradley to one night stand who may be a slab of driftwood that gained sentience but that just makes the journey all the more charming. Iffy performances in a nightmare world full of Hellish machinations and a new slew of Cenobites ranging from silly to splendidly ridiculous (such horrors as club DJ, cameraman and bartender) just makes me nostalgic. It’s a world populated with bondage demons and idiots and it’s a world I don’t mind spending ninety minutes in.

Folies Meurtrières (1984) (France)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

This is low-budget bliss. A killer in a sack mask and goggle combo uses various weapons to murder seemingly random women. Cheap splatter mixes with a certain sense of droning to create some sort of dream-like slasher hellscape. Burnt out colors and a repetitive but haunting score just enhances the unease. Filmed in scratchy Super-8. The obvious fake weapons, the randomly appearing zombie (?) and the simple stalk and kill layout should bore or at least get your eyes rolling but I was far too transfixed in the atmosphere that may have been created completely on accident. We get an answer to the “why?” at the end and also a bit of the old supernatural revenge.