The Mark of Dracula (1997) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A small nowhere town somewhere in America gets hit hard with the scourge of vampirism after a sultry vampiress (it’s Lucy… No. Not from the Peanuts comics, from Bram Stoker’s novel) sets up shop to use her master’s blood and a geneticist’s talent to clone Dracula back into existence. He ain’t that happy to be back but the hunger gets him on the prowl anyways. The town full of conspiracy nuts is convinced the genetics lab is causing vampirism and… yeah… they’re kinda right but they’re still assholes. Dracula tries to get the scientist to reverse his curse much to Lucy’s chagrin and a fat sheriff roams around, doddering into one bad situation after another. A group of hikers get lost on a trail and wake up in a stranger’s home, wondering how the hell they got there. They don’t seem that concerned and enjoy some breakfast before searching for their host. “Macho” Hank annoys and everyone else in the group of idiots fails to really leave any impression. They eventually meet their host… Mr. Vlad and succumb to his vampiric ways. I guess it’ll be up to our husky officer of the peace to save the day. Overacting, underacting, non-acting and acting that somehow combines all three makes it feel like you’re watching a Shakespeare in the Park production you stumbled upon after suffering head trauma and Randal Malone pops up as a rhyming town coroner to remind you that you are definitely trapped in a low-budget hell. Its heart is in right place and there’s enough likable aspects to keep you floating just above boredom.

The Patient in Room 18 (1938) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Following a nervous breakdown and a concerning amount of goofy behavior (sleepwalking hilarity ensues), special investigator Lance O’Leary (Patric Knowles whose handsome ass showed up in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man and The Wolf Man) is sent to the hospital to recuperate. Well, that’s not gonna be so simple as he gets caught up in a murder mystery with his nurse Sara (the lovely Ann Sheridan from Mystery House) who has a history with Lance and ain’t all that happy with him at the moment. But, personal issues are put to the side because a wealthy patient, who donated a fortune’s worth of radium to the hospital to treat his skin condition, has been slain and the radium has been taken. Sara and Lance can only trust each other because they were locked in the detective’s room together during the murder. There’s plenty of suspects thanks to more than a few motivations for mischief but I got a good feeling the quibbling duo of obvious lovebirds-to-be will be able to crack the case… just not before a few more bodies drop. There’s minimal enjoyment as comedy takes the forefront and the thrills are left to wander around aimlessly, wasting a semi-decent cast with a simple story that has some problems with its structure.

Mystery House (1938) (USA)

aka The Mystery of Hunting’s End

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Banker, Hubert Kingrey, has discovered someone in his business has forged company documents and stolen loads of money. Instead of reporting these findings to the government, the genius businessman invites his fellow company officers (including a very young William Hopper who would later star in The Deadly Mantis and 20 Million Miles to Earth and kind of looks like the crossbreed of Richard Gere and Leslie Nielsen) to a hunting lodge and proceeds to tell them what he’s come across after they deny him the opportunity to pull his business out of bankruptcy with all of their securities. To the surprise of absolutely nobody watching at home, he ends up shot to death. It’s made to look like a suicide but his daughter Gwen thinks that’s some real bullshit because unlike her father, she has a functioning brain. She seeks aid from her elderly aunt’s nurse, Sarah (knockout Ann Sheridan), and Sarah recommends bringing her detective boyfriend Bruce (Dick Purcell, who we have seen in King of the Zombies and Phantom Killer and also played Captain America in 1944 before dying of a heart attack at the age of 38) in on things. The detective isn’t initially convinced that there’s more here than a self-inflicted end thanks to the whole locked room setup but he’s travels to the hunting lodge after Gwen gets all the likely suspects gathered together. One of the guests supposedly commits suicide while out hunting and this causes quite a stir amongst everyone and then more bodies start dropping. Elderly Aunt Lucy keeps bitching that Gwen needs to mind her own business, everyone except the women and the detective act guilty as all hell and a barking dog seems to know more than anyone in the cast. The snowy setting comes with a nice and natural atmosphere while the simple mystery blueprint works just fine in the short runtime. It’s nothing special but the cast is pretty great and the dames sure are easy on the eyes.

Slaughter of the Vampires (1962) (Italy)

aka Curse of the Blood Ghouls 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A terrific pre-credits scene finds a vampire and his undead mate fleeing on foot from some pissed off townsfolk looking to avenge the death of some young women. The vampiress stumbles and is slain as the cowardly vampire leaves her behind. We then pick up things with a frantic carriage ride as the vampire shouts about making it to the castle before daybreak to his driver. I’m not sure how much time has passed but they arrive the castle, remove a coffin and the vampire is relieved to have made it in time. Within the castle, a newlywed couple (the stunning Louise (gorgeous Graziella Granata) and her nobleman husband Wolfgang) have cleaned things up and are hosting a party. The bloodsucker (who I think made his home in the wine cellar after the events of the opening and has been there for some time) wakes up and joins the party, taking an immediate shine to Louise (can’t blame him there). Louise feels strange upon seeing his Carnival-of-Souls-lookin’ ass and joins him for a dance. He puts the seduction gaze on her and gets to feeding. Louise’s health fails but she claims to be fine, her husband knows something is wrong and his doctor friend is stumped by her condition. Of course, it’s hard to get better when the parasitic vampire is paying you nightly visits. The caped creeper continues with his shenanigans and the man of science who calls Wolfgang his friend admits that he’s useless. He sends him to Vienna to find a man who may be better-suited to step in and save his wife’s life from whatever supernatural awfulness is plaguing her. He convinces the doctor to join him to help his wife but finds out she passed away in his absence. The body vanishes, the doctor assures Wolfgang they must find her and destroy her and the vampire starts prowling for more brides. It’s a lot like every vampire flick you’ve seen before the 80s shook things up but there is plenty of eye candy and some fine abuse of the theremin to add to the recommendation if you got a craving for some old school blood-sucking thrills.

The House of Secrets (1936) (USA)

⭐️1/2

An American arrives in London and discovers he’s the sole heir of his recently departed uncle, gaining a large estate and a goodly sum of money. He has to sign paperwork to state he will never let the place slip from his possession while he lives. He arrives at the property and is almost shot by some folks who should not be there. Turns out a detective and friend of our hero is also in London, looking into a Chicago bookkeeper’s murder. That’ll come in handy when our hero needs some help to get access to his land because the mysterious occupants on his property (nicknamed The Hawk’s Nest) seem to have the backing of the British government and Scotland Yard, not to mention a smoking hot blonde (Muriel Evans) he met on the boat trip across the pond included in their numbers. She even asks him to drop everything and let she and her father stay at the Hawk’s Nest for as long as they need to and to stay away until they leave. He’s fine with her hanging around but he doesn’t care for anyone telling him he can’t be where he rightfully should. There’s talk of ghosts, criminal shenanigans and a mysterious piece of parchment that may point to a hidden treasure. I enjoyed some of the comedy but I’ve been told many times that I’m an eighty-year-old man trapped in the body of an unhealthy forty-year-old man. Muriel Evans is very easy on the eyes and she thankfully gets a good amount of screen time. It’s mostly dull and lacks anything thrilling unless you find phone conversations and unanswered questions the pinnacle of excitement.

It Conquered the World (1956) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Roger Corman directs what could have been another humdrum alien monster flick if not for its lovably goofy beast and the power trio of Peter Graves, Beverly Garland and Lee Van Cleef. A Venutian alien has befriended an Earth scientist and has acquired his aid in a takeover. Physicist Van Cleef buys into the idea that the eradication of emotion will bring about an enlightened era on his planet and is happy to assist the cone-shaped crab creature from Venus. Power outages and fear get the population where they’re needed but his buddy Graves doesn’t buy into this alien crap and refuses to bend the knee. Also causing problems is Van Cleef’s hot wife Garland, who loves her husband but isn’t fond of his new “buddy”. There’s little mind controlling manta ray creatures the alien sends out and a young Dick Miller shows up as a soldier. It’s a cheapjack blast of the highest order.

The Whip Against Satan (1979) (Mexico)

aka Zorro vs. Satan 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Mexi-Madness is somewhat unleashed as a Zorro-adjacent hero arrives in a small village with a big Devil-themed problem. A satanic sect has set up shop in the village and the nearby volcano seems ready to burst. Fear and confusion grow within the superstitious villagers as local authorities attempt to keep some kind of civility in place. The local judge’s beautiful daughter, Aura, has been taught occultism by her caregiver Nana Rita. The head villager, Ramiro, has accused her of witchcraft thanks to his unreciprocated feelings and his gang of fear-influenced religious idiots are quickly becoming a mob. Into town comes Artemio the Great, a professor of the occult/gypsy fortune teller/snake oil salesman/whip-wielding superhero, looking for an acquaintance that we saw burned alive in the opening by some shirtless, goofy-mask-wearing demons on horseback. The Whip saves Aura from a lynching and then brings a battle to the mountain-dwelling gaggle of satanists as they prepare for the arrival of their dark lord. Satan shows up on a horse as a black goat-headed gloater to warn off the local priest and cause some fatal mischief. The Whip works fast to solve the mystery and unmask the satanists for their true motivations while also protecting Aura from Ramiro and his mob of fanatical idiots. Low on violence, this is still some matinee-style fun. There’s never any question of whether or not good will conquer evil and it’s way more basic than most of the insane loveliness that’s come from south of the border but it’s still pretty damn charming and odd enough to keep my interest.