The Loreley’s Grasp (1973) (Spain)

aka The Under Water City/The Swinging Monster/The Night the Screaming Stopped/When the Screaming Stops

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Interesting bit of folkloric horror is filled with beautiful women and cheap gore, yet somehow comes off as a bit dull. Still, it beats a shit-ton of other monster movies and there are some grand times to be had. A cloaked reptile monster is causing problems in a quiet German village. Young women are getting their hearts ripped out and others are getting clawed to high hell. A sexy professor at an all girl school goes to the mayor demanding protection. Enter a hunky hunter with a whole bunch of swagger and the skills that killz. The hunter ends up stumbling across the monster in her human guise as a beautiful woman by the name of Lorelei. Of course they fall in love but as most monster and human relationships go... there’s only tragedy in their future. An under water grotto serves as the beautiful monster’s lair where she guards a treasure and various violent ends come to a bunch of innocent people who could have been saved if the hunter hero was doing his damn job. Acid-eroded faces, blind violinists and various bikinis all make an appearance.

The Bell Witch Haunting (2013) (USA)

aka The Sawyer Family Murders

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The footage of a murder-suicide is released by the local sheriff department but it shows something more than a family tragedy at play. The captured video points to the disturbing fact that the shocking events had something to do with the return of a centuries-old evil and the focal point of one of America’s most famous paranormal events. No, even though this is an Asylum release it is not about Amityville. The Sawyer family son gets a camera for his birthday and as the gruesome chest cam footage from a police officer shows us, this is definitely going to be used to capture something horrible. Although it tells us that this takes place six hours earlier and then explains that the camera footage is starting on “Day One”. Oh, Asylum… way to pay attention to detail. The birthday revelries at the Tennessee house get a little wild (that’s how you get topless chicks on camera) and we get introduced to a gaggle of seemingly unlikable people that you can take comfort in knowing are not long for this world. We also get some drunk dope explaining how the property this family has moved into has a troubling history. A neighbor’s strange behavior ends the night and it’s revealed that the couple were found dead on the side of the road soon after. Ah. You win this round Asylum. Looks like I jumped to a conclusion about you. Day two begins as most days do with the older sister doing her fashion vlog and her brother filming her from the closet for a scare prank. The days go on and low-effort paranormal activity begins. “Luckily” Brandon is there to capture everything. Mutilated animals are discovered in the woods, older sister Dana begins having horrible night terrors and a creepy specter shows up in briefly glimpsed flashes. Escalation is the name of the game as the dangerous presence ramps up the activity in the house and more people begin meeting unfortunate fates. Brandon and his buddy figure the historical haunting that may be plaguing his family is probably a good subject for a film so they set up security cameras around his house to capture more footage to go along with his handheld work. Also included are collected bits of video from other sources including the hilarious final footage of an electrician… I don’t think it was supposed to be funny.

A shockingly formidable found footage haunting (considering where it’s from) that features a few decent bits of macabre and uses an American legend as a foundation. I can respect that. I can also respect that they throw a little more depth to their characters which could have easily been one-note awful idiots (they’re high school siblings). It’s still something you have seen multiple times but after seeing so many of these damn things, I am always happy when effort is put in and the filmmakers believe in what they are throwing out into the world.

Embedded (2012) (Canada)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The desperate search for a missing boy in an area of Montana forest (in which the neighboring township has seen an increase in missing livestock) has a reluctant reporter who thinks this shit is below him and his cameraman joining up with a group of hunters and local authorities as they trek through said wilderness. A car accident and a savagely mutilated man reveals there’s a whole lot more going on and our reporter “hero” sees one hell of a story. To the surprise of absolutely nobody watching at home, shit hits the fan and our media men come to realize they ain’t up against any threat accepted by science and certainly not the rogue grizzly that the gung-ho hunters think is responsible for the awfulness. Characters with some depth and quirk keep things going as we join the action from the POV of our cameraman while the group of well-intentioned goobers are whittled down by something very dangerous. Not all performances are helpful in the important suspension of disbelief needed for a found footage flick’s success but it’s still a Bigfoot movie and a solid one at that. I’m a bit more forgiving of any movie featuring that classic cryptid. Bonus points because this bad boy ain’t shy about showing their practical-effects man-in-a-suit monster.

13 Eerie (2013) (Canada)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A batch of forensic students under the watchful eye of their no-nonsense professor (Hawkman himself, Michael Shanks) get to practicing forensics field work on a dreary island housing a temporary body farm. While working with the corpses they come to learn that this island was once home to a prison where those in power experimented on death row inmates and said experiments have the nasty side effect of bringing the dead back to life. Difficult work monitored by their cranky professor is one thing but soon our group of heroes are up against flesh-hungry zombies/former prisoners on a piece of land with limited supplies, damaged equipment and no safe exit. Her humble fabulous Katherine Isabelle gets top billing and that makes me insanely happy. She’s joined by a cast of young and seasoned pros including Brendan Fehr (Roswell), my dude Brendan Fletcher (Supernatural, Freddy vs Jason) and Jesse Moss (Tucker and Dale vs Evil) among them. The decayed monsters sprinting around the island are delightfully realized and there’s some nasty violence dished out in especially gruesome set pieces. The first murder is brutal and lets you know this bad boy will not be fucking around. The number of threats grow as those slaughtered have the nasty habit of regenerating. Impressively watchable genre fare from a time when the market was oversaturated with the living dead thanks to a stellar cast, solid special effects and a simple enough plot with a unique setting. Also, Katherine Isabelle makes for an easy to root for fighter. It’s still a zombie movie from the twenty-tens so (for me) it can only provide so much entertainment but thankfully this is on the high end of the familiar scenario. A nothing ending also leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Within (2005) (Canada/Czech Republic/Italy/UK)

⭐️

Four American friends traveling through Europe on a post-graduation vacation come across an interesting map (placed in one of the girl’s briefly stolen bags) which leads them to an old castle with an interesting history somewhere within the Czech Republic. Happy to find a little adventure (and maybe some forgotten treasure) in a truly stunning location, the quartet wander around the property and then have a bonfire where they talk about past exploits and play a game of truth or dare. Flashbacks to the castle’s tragic past begin to affect one of the female members. After a night of nothing anywhere near thrilling passes, the four make their way into the castle and eventually pick the lock to gain access into the catacombs. Glowing blue lights let us know that these dopes have caused something paranormal to stir. It doesn’t take them long to figure out they can’t leave the place. Brad goes for help, Chloe takes her top off, T. K. acts like a dick, the blonde girl sees maggots in her sandwich, a force field is brought to life with special effects borrowed from a Sliders production and the group meets a crazy person wandering around the property who is there to explain the situation our unlikable group of personality voids have found themselves in. Visions of doom plague our heroes and we get to feel the eternity they feel by experiencing some of the most ass-numbing “action” to ever show up in anything that claims to be a thriller. It tried. It failed. But it tried.

Santet (1988) (Indonesia)

aka Black Magic/Black Magic: Bringer of Death

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Bloody revenge thy name is Suzzanna! Another lovely vehicle for Indonesian scream queen involves your usual shitty folks doing shitty things and then getting their just desserts in elaborate and messy ways. The familiar plot is helped by the presence of the always alluring Suzzanna. This time out some local scuzzy gangster poisons his sick wife (she’s such a burden!) and pins the crime on a village cleric. This brings an angry mob to his hut and as angry mobs are want to do, they burn the holy man (who is definitely not a practitioner of black magic) alive while the awful Bisman attempts to rape his wife (like you have to ask who plays her). Unfortunately for the local scumbags but fortunately for us, his wife manages to escape into the jungle where she comes across a witch that is mostly crocodile (her human head hilariously atop the pudgy reptile body) and has no problem bestowing diabolical powers to the young woman so she can get herself a measure of vengeance… as long as she fulfills some sinister obligations. I placenta eating (and theft!), bathing with crocodiles and full-moon nude strolling… boilerplate, really. What follows is cheap, sloppy and wonderful! The village chief knows Bisman is a piece of shit and is gunning for him but you don’t get to be a feared scumbag by not having a small army of awful humans answering your beck and call. Bisman continues on with his reign of terror, little realizing that a woman he has wronged is building up dark powers to throw directly at his big ol’ scarred face. The chief’s young son arrives right before Bisman makes his play at usurping power and he seems to be quite smitten with the beautiful widow he runs across (don’t blame him). Extended bits of comedy add to the oddness while also weighing things down, a mid-movie song and dance charms for all the wrong reasons and the cheap special effects are only emboldened by the manic imagination thrown behind them. Rambo references, shaking butts, detachable breasts, horny idiots, an exploded crotch (I think a toad is to blame), forceful snake swallowing, exploding bellies (full of snakes), fantasy brought to life by a grade school theater set designer, romantic ass rubbing, some of the most disgusting nudity ever caught on film and a final ten minutes that finally lets loose. All of this still feels like it’s not filling up enough space to let this be as wild as it should. It’s still a fun time, it just feels like it should be a hell of a lot more fun.

The Paranormal (1998) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

There’s something very wrong with the Englewood movie theater and that wrongness has brought struggling paranormal investigator Kyle Jennings into the theater’s troubled halls. His desperation is growing thanks to an inability to garner more funding from the university he works out of but a strange event centered around the theater has the eggheads concerned about disturbing energy signatures. Signatures that go along with certain theories he’s already presented to the board. Coincidentally, Englewood happens to be Kyle’s hometown which he hasn’t been back to since graduating high school. So, all this wraps up along with a speech from his colleague to get him back home and looking into the weirdness at the theater. This will not be a simple investigation for him and not only because it turns out an old crush is running the theater, the building seals itself up tight and a connection is made between the real world and the world playing out on the movie screen. A connection that will prove to be pretty dangerous thanks to the low budget zombie action showing up on the silver screen. Along with the skeptical science department head, his old flame and the world’s cutest (and super smart) projectionist, Kyle has to figure out what the hell is going on and that answer will involve our hero jumping into the zombie film, changing important plot points along the way. Attic apparitions, poltergeist activity, an amazing yellow sweater, gorgeous posters, tasteful turtlenecks, sentient film, home movie zombies, helpful narration that actually feels necessary and an abundance of science jargon to prove a point make for one comfortable viewing of backyard enthusiasm contained within an oddly mature script. It may lose itself in its own explanations at various points but it is still intriguing in just how much fascinating depth it put behind everything. If you’re not looking for SOV splatter (there’s very little blood) or insanity but a well-crafted horror-lite flick with a whole bunch of thought and heart, find this bad boy immediately.