aka Curse of Death
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It’s hard to believe the biggest cesspool of sentient excrement birthed some of the finest backyard horrors to ever grace trash cinema. Sure, Florida is basically a dumpster fire filled with smaller (but just as odorous) dumpster fires but if you dive into the regional output of America’s butthole you’ll find the waters pleasantly comfortable. The Miami-born mastermind behind Tartu goes by the name William Grefé and is one of the true kings of regional exploitation. A legend, Grefé kept himself busy churning out some low-budget weirdness throughout the 60s and 70s and if you’d like to know more you should seek out Ballyhoo Motion Pictures documentary on the man, They Came from the Swamp. Along with his jellyfish-man epic Sting of Death and his rattlesnake revenge flick Stanley, Tartu is probably his most well-known feature... and for damn good reason! A stretch of land in the Everglades is considered an area of bad mojo by the local Seminole people. Some four hundred years ago, a shapeshifting witch doctor (Mr. Tartu if you nasty) cursed the land at his time of passing. It’s your usual “don’t fuck with my final resting place and I won’t murder you” type of curse. Of course, a handful of curious folks can’t seem to help themselves and start digging around. Mr. Sam Gunter is one such idiot. He arrives and is thoroughly surprised when his local guide Billy (a “gasp!” educated Seminole) refuses to set foot on the cursed ground. After bloviating about the stupidity of superstition, Sam and Billy part ways and Sam gets to exploring. He digs up an old stone tablet and, sure enough, Tartu wakes up in his underground tomb. Tartu transforms into a python and, as snakes are want to do, jump attacks (obviously tossed) the learned man from offscreen. The struggle is short-lived and Sam is quickly dispatched. Faster than you can say “cannon fodder” we’re introduced to the next batch of victims. Sam’s colleague Ed Tison and his wife Julie head out to the same spot with four archaeology students to meet up with Mr. Gunter and do some field training. They find an empty campsite and the stone tablet but there’s no sign of Sam. Ed decides not to worry (or at least attempts not to) while his students head off to make out and unleash some sick dance moves. Not a fan of having his burial site danced upon, Tartu rises again and commences hunting down and killing the trespassers. He takes the form of a shark and because, well, they’re from Florida, he’s able to murder two of the college kids swimming in the dangerous waters. Realizing a shark has no place being in the fresh water, Ed comes around to the legends of the witch doctor who can take the form of any beast. Losing more of the kids under his care, Ed and Julie decide to take the fight to the evil medicine man and destroy him for good. Tartu appears in various forms throughout the film, his animal guises are shabbily edited man vs nature attacks and are endlessly entertaining. He’s also in a woefully underutilized skeletal mummy form which may be cheap as hell but really should have been given more screen time. For the... ahem... “action packed” climax he restores himself to his original form to scuffle with Ed. The whole thing is insanely fun and the location shooting is of the best backyard filmmaking variety. The cast is all terrible with Julie coming off the worst as she seems to be heavily sedated, there’s zero chemistry among everyone and the “mysteries of planet earth speech” is a standout bit of horrendously delivered dialogue. We also get some airboat action! If you dig the regional fare that swelled up outside of Hollywood throughout the 60s, you owe it to yourself to get your hands on this one.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Found footage flick set in Bigfoot territory with a likable enough cast and a beautifully crafted Sasquatch costume. Stealing the keys to their uncle’s cabin in some isolated stretch of Texas woods, two brothers take some friends on a weekend trip. Stocked up with cameras, they film themselves biking and having some fun and one brother has plans to catch some footage of whatever his uncle had an encounter with that made him make the cabin off limits to the boys. On the way up they drive into something and begin to suspect it wasn’t a deer as creepy wails fill the night. It doesn’t take long for them to be stalked and brute strength’d to death by a pissed-off forest giant. Some tension (the going for help bike ride stands out) and (as I’ve said) an intimidating looking monster add to the whole damn thing. A fine film for fans of that elusive American forest ape.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Some drug-addicted children with power-mullets go on a suburban killing spree after snorting an obscene amount of booger sugar in an abandoned crap-shack. The kids have a hard time keeping a straight face as they spiral downward into violent debauchery. You’re watching a bunch of kids goof off and ad-lib a splatter film, you’re either game or you’re not. It’s both surreal and purely amateur with an odd sadistic vibe that isn’t really disturbing because it’s so poorly executed. It’s offensive for sure, the sight of a prepubescent kid giving a girl a clothes hanger abortion, licking and then crushing the fetus may not look anywhere near realistic but it still slaps you in the face. Of course, it is then followed up by the victim completely unaffected and stabbing the little shit to death with a clothespin as he shrieks for what feels like an hour. Cue the religious imagery and then marvel as the rest of your brains leak out of your ears. I feel like everyone behind this was one bad experience with a pervy uncle away from becoming a serial killer. Low-fi splatter, audible direction and a discarded dead cat all make an appearance. An off-putting score helps give this one a lasting impression, a collection of schizophrenic footage at the climax sits way more comfortably than it should and the genre’s safest decapitation keeps it in my good graces. Pre-teens huff Elmer’s glue, a child makes an oral sex joke and a kid has a swastika drawn on the back of his shirt with permanent marker… we are in hell and we deserve every minute of it. I’ve seen a lot in my time on this silly rock but this was something new.
aka House of the Dark Stairway
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A composer heads out to a lovely villa in Tuscany to isolate himself and work on the score for a horror film. Unfortunately for him, an incriminating clue is hidden with the film (the director herself connects her idea for the film to her childhood fear of the dark) and a gloved lunatic will do whatever they can to make sure said clue remains undetected. Bruno is quick to discover that the home he is renting has a troubling history and his arrival is adding to that thanks to the fact that women who come by to visit end up brutally dispatched by the well-manicured maniac. The prior tenant, Linda, has a secret that seems to be disturbing in nature and Bruno’s actress girlfriend pays unannounced visits, letting her jealousy get the best of her… and with the flow of random women that just let themselves in, I feel like she’s right to be constantly checking in. There’s also an unsettling conversation Bruno managed to record while working on his music. Let’s hope our hero can figure shit out before too many bodies pile up. His paranoia grows as the women randomly parading into his life vanish leaving only blood splatter behind and a connection between the enigma that is Linda and Bruno’s director is revealed to be deeper than initially expected. Stanko Molnar (previously in the director’s Macabre and soon to be in the director’s The Mask of Satan) and notable filmmaker/actor Michele Soavi (who came to nasty ends in Demons and City of the Living Dead amongst many others and then provided some stellar spaghetti nightmares with Cemetery Man, Stage Fright and The Church) show up to steal their scenes and make the most of their screen time. Soavi gets to play an integral part and prove he had some chops in front of the camera. It’s an intriguing sophomore outing from Lamberto Bava which suffers from an extended length and pacing issues due to the fact that it was envisioned as a four-part television miniseries and plotted around commercial breaks. The memorable violence got that idea nixed and had it repurposed as a theatrical release. It’s still a solid giallo/slasher with some distressing violence provided by the blade of a box cutter (amongst other, more familiar flesh-slicing implements)… man, I’ve sliced my hand open a few times being careless while stocking shelves in my younger days and it always sucked. Everyone’s favorite awkwardly named blonde kid from The House by the Cemetery is around as an actor in the film Bruno is scoring (fuckin’ Bob man, don’t name your child Bob… weirdos), the deaths are some of the most brutal I’ve seen (they may not be splatter set pieces but they hit fucking hard), there’s a plethora of tennis balls, a brick is put to good use and it manages to just about hold your interest for a good chunk of the extended runtime. Would be higher rated if a few dozen minutes were cut and if Wanja Mary Sellers were involved… but that’s just me turning this spaghetti nightmare into a spaghetti daydream.
aka Valak
⭐️⭐️1/2
A demonic nun creeps around a Romanian abbey in this mildly enjoyable entry in the Conjuring universe. The suicide of a young nun forces the Vatican to send a troubled priest with a fatal exorcism in his past and a novitiate nun to investigate the supposedly cursed convent. The summoning of a demonic entity supposedly tainted the place and for hundreds of years the cloister has prayed the evil away and protected the world from the evil force but now it’s free. The demon Valak takes the form of a creepy-as-all-hell nun and stalks the halls, looking for a vessel. Sprinkles of gore and Valak’s genuinely creepy presence aid where they can but the main cast seems a bit less than enthusiastic to be there. An okay time waister is still easily forgotten after the end credits roll.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Cult expert and blow-hard, Robert Regis, has spent more than a decade trying to prove the existence of The Disciples of Abaddon. A legendary cult which have left next to no proof of their existence but when some cryptic clues come forth, Rob and a hired cinematographer fresh out of film school set out to document Rob’s journey of unearthing something considered folklore by most. Only popping up every hundred years or so, the cult supposedly make a few sacrifices in Abaddon’s name to gain immortality, possibly collect another member and materialize the demon they worship. At first it seems like Robert may be seeing signs where nothing is but as they keep going, it begins to look like there’s some sinister shit in the works and their lives are now on the line. Rob continues to put his cameraman in dangerous situations and a cloaked weirdo begins showing up and terrorizing the wannabe filmmaker in his own home. Well-crafted psuedo-doc starts off pretty awkward but grows into something somewhat humorous, somehow charming and slightly thrilling.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Drowning in debt, a teacher considers herself fortunate when she inherits an abandoned Wisconsin lakefront inn. She brings along some prospective buyers to the empty place, looking to offload the property right-quick. There’s a delightful gay couple that owns a pizza franchise (Nine and counting), a cold French chick (well, she has a French last name), a water park owner from Minnesota and a real prick named Donovan. They all hop in Mara’s minivan to check out the place along with Mara (obviously), who’s never seen the joint. Too bad about all them ghosts. The bridge in to the place is out so the group ends up marching through the woods with no phone reception. Instead of looking like an obviously haunted crap-shack, the house is a big-ass comfy lookin’ building that is definitely creepier on the inside. With only a few hours until they have to leave, the group separate to check around. It’s in surprisingly good shape for something that has been empty for at least five years and Mara has no idea why her father left it to her, she’s never talked to the man and her mother never filled in any blanks before she passed away eight years ago. As usual, it all starts with whispers from empty rooms and the sound of children whimpering, luring people into the dark corners of long-vacant halls. When the French (last name) woman sees a child that vanishes, one of the pizza boys, Dex (he being a paranormal enthusiast), lets them know the spot is supposedly one of the most haunted places in the country. It doesn’t matter because Mara reminds them it’s time to leave… it’s just that Minnesota Nikki is not with the group. Nope, she’s taking photographs and following noises to a spooky attic (it leads to a cheap but well-executed photo scare). Nikki won’t be making it back to Minnesota and that forces the group to spread out and try to find her. That’s good news for the evil entity laying claim to the building. Mara makes the executive decision to leave without Nikki and just calling for help when they get a phone signal, but the car is gone when they make it back to where it should be. Out of options, they head back to the creepy-ass inn. Dex shares the legend of The Headmistress with the group, the “off” twin sister of a real estate tycoon who ran a boarding school which is supposedly where they are now. The brother would abuse the female students and when she interfered with his sleazy shenanigans, he raped and beat her almost to death. The Headmistress had a baby, which made her happy, but the brother took the child and left. The sister eventually snapped and began to torture and neglect her own students. Even sewing their mouths and eyes shut if they offended her. The children eventually all died and The Headmistress killed herself to continue torturing them in the afterlife. So, everyone is spooked as they head off to bed. Not much sleep happens. Ghosts are encountered, possession takes place and lives are lost. Mara knows more than she’s letting on and something awful is waiting in the attic. Simple story (I love local folklore), solid cast and a creepy-enough spooker make this way better than it should be. I’m also a homer for Wisconsin’s genre output so this hit a real sweet spot. Ignore the shaky digital effects, questionable editing choices and the slight pacing issues. Just enjoy the fact the film finds a reason for its cast to wander around the dark place using lanterns and for a young lady to inexplicably enter a creepy church in her underwear.
