⭐️⭐️
Three local mental patients are denied their circus privileges (I shit you not, that is the reason) so they break out of the asylum and make it to the festivities anyways. Arriving late, they kill three clowns and dress up as them. Now all made up and looking for fun, they terrorize three brothers who have been left home alone for the night. Forever tarnished late eighties horror flick has become a little difficult to find but is not really worth any effort to track down. Director Silva sexually molested 12-year-old lead actor Nathan Forest Winters during the production, making for some uncomfortable viewing. On top of the icky awfulness that took place behind the scenes, the film itself is no great shakes. The three lead actors (including a young Sam Rockwell) are endlessly annoying and the screenplay is a mess. Some wonderfully creepy imagery is captured and the head clown is menacing but unless you have a severe case of coulrophobia this movie may not do anything for you.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
I’m probably not the best person to give an opinion on any horror TV movie released in the seventies. My blind love for them has no real explanation. It’s just always been there. A prime example of that is this obviously boring Hawaiian-shot werewolf flick. I know it’s boring... believe me I know… but I still enjoy the hell out of it. Robert Foxworth (who’s been a favorite of mine since he tangled with a pissed-off mutant bear in 1979’s The Prophecy) is suffering from strange nightmares and a growing anxiety. Because he’s a hard working businessman, his doctor prescribes a vacation. The stressed-out Jason Palmer flies to Hawaii to get in some relaxation and maybe even some love. Things do not go as planned. Turns out his grandpappy was a missionary in the area and many years ago he destroyed a sacred alter. A curse was placed on the rude Christian and the bloodline now has an issue with lycanthropy. Once that full moon hits, Mr. Palmer transforms into an ape-looking wolfman and starts gnawing on the hot stewardesses vacationing at the same resort. This puts his new businesswoman lover in harms way and has the head of resort security (a sleeve-hating horndog named Rick) doing some investigating into what’s massacring the hotel guests. There’s zero blood, very little werewolf action and incredibly dim lighting but Gods help me the lounge singing breaks, hideous fashion and seventies vibes keep me smiling.
⭐️⭐️
From the cinematographer of Vampire Time Travelers comes one unsavory bit of misery which may be inept all around but is definitely memorable. Paige Hopkins leaves her job at the local women’s shelter to take a position as a counselor at a half-way house for troubled “teenage” girls. She tries making a difference in the lives of the elderly-lookin’ young girls by being as sweet as can be but that shit ain’t flying with most of these assholes. Well, Paige has a pretty fucked up past and more than a few violent tendencies thanks to her trauma which may prove harmful to the wards of the house. Possibly mentally-challenged Laura becomes Paige’s favorite and she uses violence and fear to get a few others in line. A couple tough eggs keep pushing things and it’s not gonna end well for more than a couple folks. Buck-naked suicide, spanking, dismemberment, scheming, hotdogs and a shockingly strong focus on the after effects of abuse make for an interesting watch. Piss-poor acting makes it far easier to sit through because if it were actually in capable hands, this movie would be one hard to watch bit of 90-minute wretchedness.
aka Zombies/The Children/100 Years Later
⭐️⭐️1/2
A small family (mom, annoyed teen daughter and younger/better daughter) relocate to a small Pennsylvanian town where a mine collapse in 1913 trapped dozens of child-workers alive. Recently widowed, the family moves in to the dead husband’s family home in the middle of a deeply forested nowhere. The isolated area has an unsettling amount of missing persons and a few shady characters the three gals can now call neighbors. The huge property has been vacant for awhile and will definitely need a whole lotta fixing up but it’s home for now. Sure there’s creepy stains, rats, questionable plumbing and electric but there’s also a horde of homicidal zombie/ghost children hanging around so... well, yeah, it’s bad. The goofy-ass spooky kids take a shine to the youngest daughter and mama slowly uncovers the truth behind the area’s urban legend and her late husband’s connection to the weirdness. Disposable characters get disposed of and the film’s boogeymen elicit more giggles than gasps. Chloë Grace Moretz proves that she’s been talented probably since popping out of her mama, Geoffrey Lewis classes shit up as a local handyman who provides some exposition for our curious hero but makes his exit far too quick, Lori Heuring is fine as the young mother thrown into a shitty position, Scout Taylor-Compton pulls off the tricky balance of angsty teen who loves her family even though her world completely blows goats at the moment and Ben Cross hams it up as a bug-eyed forest-dwelling kook who knows the score. It’s nothing exciting but it’s got a surprisingly solid cast and enough of the red stuff scattered into a mildly absorbing story to keep things interesting and the climax does feature Mr. Cross blowing away zombie/ghost children with a shotgun.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
In a dead-end Midwestern town sometime during the 1960s (1963 in the book, if my memory serves me right), an annual fall ritual holds the key to escape. Each year Sawtooth Jack rises from the cornfields and makes his way to the town’s church. Violent gangs of young men await the supernatural being in an attempt to take him down before midnight hits. The winner of the event gets a ticket out of the nothing town (not to mention the town’s respect for bringing about a fruitful harvest for the year)… but you’re more likely to meet your maker by the hands of the pumpkin-headed nightmare. Richie Shepard’s brother actually completed the task and now he’s looking to break out from his shadow and do the same, even though he’s not supposed to because there are rules in place. There’s your usual mixture of asshole jocks and reluctant boys joining in on this year’s hunt. Richie joins up with a new girl who works at the local theater named Kelly. She also wants to escape the place and have some excitement in her life but the tradition is off-limits to girls. But as Richie says “Fuck the rules”. The night hits, and chaos erupts as the starved and riled up youths get to hunting and meeting nasty ends. As usual, there’s a bigger secret at play and our heroes are on a collision course with some dark revelations. Jeremy Davies and Elizabeth Reaser add some class as Richie’s distressed parents and Adam Fuckin’ Brooks shows up as the town pastor… and I’ll never complain about that. Norman Partridge’s Dark Harvest gets a solid adaptation to film and manages to keep the ever-important fall atmosphere front and center for an interesting creature feature with a solid cast.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Teenagers refurbish an old opera house and are picked off by a murderous clown who ties into a past tragedy at the location. This tragedy was the murder of a lead actress who just so happens to be the birthmother (she never knew her) of one of the youthful idiots cleaning up the joint by the name of Kate. Kate’s been convinced by her friend (the super-cute Tatyana Ali) the way to cure nightmares she’s been having since learning about her mother is to work in the building where her mother met an untimely death. Sure. Whatever. It’s Tatyana Ali, so it sounds right coming out of her beautiful face. There’s a bitchy diva there, her football-stud boyfriend, drama teacher Margot Kidder rocks a necktie, James Duval plays an FX artist bad boy, a couple other likable theater geeks hang around and Christopher Plummer collects a paycheck and puts way more effort into his role then the movie deserves as the theater owner who fills the kids in on the troubled history of the joint… he also has a pretty big secret. Kate keeps getting visions of her mother’s death and freaks the fuck out. Sexy James Duval starts crushin’ on the possibly insane Kate and the old-ass high schoolers get locked in the building and get themselves perished. The Canio costume from Pagliacci is one freaky-ass look, there’s one of the laziest montages I have ever witnessed, followed by an incredibly lame sex scene, our hero sucks, the acting definitely fits the whole inexperienced-theater-kid vibe and Margot Kidder gets an axe to the noggin. It’s kinda lame and kinda enjoyable in unison and Plummer gets to cut loose as the film winds down.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Hammer excellence opens with British archaeologists unearthing the tomb of the princess Ananka and paying for it with their lives. An attempted warning from the devoted Mehemet Bey is ignored and after the desecration leaves the leader of the group insane, the tomb is eventually sealed by his son and brother. Three years pass and Mehemet arrives in England with the towering mummy Kharis. He uses the Scroll of Life to resurrect the mummy and knock off the violators. A wrench is thrown into the plan when the son’s wife is revealed to be the spitting image of Kharis’ love, Princess Ananka. Christopher Lee is my odds-on favorite mummy and definitely the most terrifying version of the shambling corpse. Cushing is perfect (as usual) as the young archeologist confronting the living dead but the whole thing is Lee’s show. There’s your customary flashback revealing the origin and an excellent atmosphere expertly handled by Terence Fisher. A classic.
