Chime (2024) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

An indescribable dread curses a culinary teacher following the horrific suicide of a student who was claiming to be plagued by the noise of chimes. Unease is our only co-pilot as we join our protagonist on his one-way trip to a psychosis slowly decaying himself and perhaps even the city he calls home. There’s not much breathing room with its limited run time but we’re in some capable hands and we’re supposed to feel like we’re suffocating anyways. Kiyoshi Kurosawa hits gold again but I am biased as he is the man behind one of the greatest horror films ever made (Kairo), not to mention a list of wonderful genre additions to boot (Cure, Sweet Home and Retribution come immediately to mind). I don’t often label things this good as unbearable but the tension is so damn thick, even in the most mundane of settings, that it’s the only word I can really think of. The careful audio design adds an unsettling depth to the proceeding and just further proves how much of a master Kurosawa is.

The Tomb (1986) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

A scuzzy grave robber has no issue whatsoever desecrating the tombs of Egypt. His qualm-less attitude bites him on the ass when he snatches a few pieces from the unmarked final resting place of the evil Nefratis. Not one to let something like death get in her way, she tracks down the thief and follows him to Los Angeles. She begins going about collecting her relics from the archeological scumbags our grave robbing hero has sold them to. After his father is found with his heart ripped out, a young man begins to investigate. This brings him to Cameron Mitchell, who just so happens to have in his possession one of those relics. He is not forthcoming in the least with information and lies his ass off when asked about any Egyptian relics purchased on the black market but his kind niece offers her assistance. Turns out Nefratis needs these relics to carry out a ceremony where she sacrifices a young woman to maintain her youthful vigor. This is bad news for Cameron Mitchell’s favorite niece. Fred Olen Rey brings his usual lazy charm and John Carradine pops in for a nice cameo. Cheesy fun should not have teased Sybil Danning and then not delivered Sybil Danning. The queen briefly graces us with her presence in the opening scene and then vanishes like the mirage of primeval blistering sex appeal she is. Instead we get Michelle Bauer as some sort of energy shooting vampire/zombie/mummy queen. It’s not a completely fare trade but it’s one I can live with.

Chills Down Your Spine (2020) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

There’s some things I don’t recommend slipping back into. Heroin addiction, last week’s unwashed Brazilian flag speedo, collecting candid snaps of Mark Wahlberg on the toilet... you know, the usual. I once believed that picking up on your anthology wraparound five years later fell into that category but I’m happy to say that I was so fucking wrong because if CDYS does one thing well; it’s continue the adventures of our everyman hero Jeff (Steve Eaton returning to the roll and further endearing himself to my heart) and the world’s greatest genie Sabiah (Megan Garcia back at it and owning every scene she’s in). Luckily, it does a lot of other shit right. It’s bigger, bloodier... badassier (?) and boobier than the prior entry and sets its wraparound to the template of the ultimate story; that Ancient Greek poem The Odyssey... but with a likable hero/heroine combo, funnier dialogue and way more bewbs but far less dong. Sabiah finds herself in the clutches of a masked psychopathic killer (whose delivery of his origin story almost killed me) she has to call master while Jeff gets his hand on another lamp (just one million tickets at an arcade) and releases Sabiah’s little sister Mahktoonah (also Megan Garcia but blonder and bubblier). Together they go on a quest to find the Oracle and figure out where Sabiah is. Stories of mostly strong quality are told by various characters and we even get some callbacks to the original as we wait for the reunion of the two greatest smartasses in anthology history to reunite. First off is The Devil’s Corkscrew, a fine western involving some greedy and needy folks prospecting for gold in a valley haunted by a black-clad gunslinger who doesn’t take kindly to the intrusion. Isabelle Returns is an awesome animated slasher featuring a cool killer resurrected by some grave robbing idiots. The Ditch is the perfect example of how to craft a cool monster story with limited funds. Bed and Breakfast finds a stranded motorist forced to spend the night in a Victorian hotel watched over by a creepy butler. Hysteria! mixes Agatha Christie with OnlyFans when a group of fetish girls are invited to perform at a seemingly empty home. Blood Model has a class of art students vanishing one by one with all evidence pointing to a creepy kid obsessed with the figure model. The noir-infused The Whirlpool of Night puts a female spin on the male dominated genre and pits a thief paying off a debt against the supernatural. Finally, The Calling of Things Beyond has a playwright under pressure and lacking ideas traveling down a path familiar to any fans of Lovecraft but without the author’s fear of females and a larger amount of ickiness. For the most part the tales of terror are pretty great. The only one I didn’t care much for was Bed and Breakfast but that had a likable and lovely heroine wandering around nearly buck naked with a candelabra for most of the runtime. No complaints here. Whore-cheese, the return of my favorite child-eating couple, a foul-mouthed dummy and the same rampant insanity prevalent in the first one all work to charm the hell out of me. It’s not often that the wraparound is the best part of an anthology but those glorious weirdos at Dead Lantern Pictures somehow pulled it off. Yes, three hours is a long-ass time to spend with one film but luckily it’s an anthology, so you’re never that far off from something completely new and those angels had enough foresight to provide an intermission featuring another cute genie and fucking Robo-Mummy! Now that is how ya do things the right way.

Ragdoll (1999) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Aspiring African-American rap artist Kwame uses some of the family-practiced "killing magic" to get himself revenge on a sleazy music agent (local gangster) after his grandmother is hospitalized by the “agent’s” thuggish brothers (one of them being a flamboyant cowboy tough guy who is amazing and should have had a whole film dedicated to him) when he doesn’t outright accept the man’s offer to sign with his shady ass and then tells him to pretty much go fuck himself in front of a club “full” of people. The dark magic is transferred into an ugly-ass old-fashioned ragdoll that acts as a host and this damn thing belongs somewhere rotting in hell as opposed to residing in the bedroom of a child. Well, black magic is gonna black magic and any deal with the “Shadow Man” doesn’t necessarily play by moral rules. Sure, guilty folks are dropping at the tiny hands of the murderous doll but so are Kwame’s bandmates and friends. Any social messages feel forced thanks to performances that can’t handle the melodrama but I’m quite familiar with how much cringing is in store anytime shit that floated out from The Full Moon bathroom tried to provide anything more than dumb fun from psychotic little things. The lean runtime is plumped up with musical performances that are probably best fast-forwarded over if you’re not a fan of bland music and lip-synching. The villains are great in the “these people only exist and have power in a schlocky B-Grade horror film” kinda way and the doll may not be a convincing monster but I love it’s cheap and ugly ass all the same. Our hero has more balls than sense which makes him hard to root for, especially after he sets everything in motion to end in tragedy… more than fucking once. Still, when I throw on a Charles Band produced killer doll flick, my mindset is usually lowered to a level where it should be. The crime boss looks like what would happen if Steve Harvey enjoyed downing Twinkies before bedtime but only gained weight in his head for some reason and an opening scene features a killer wedding dress and I find that just wonderful. Get past the unlikable protagonists and you should have a good ol’ time with this one. It ends with our hero singing a song about magic and it’s a fucking hilarious way to send this movie off into the ether.

Shivers Down Your Spine (2015) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A microwaveable pizza transforms into a lantern whilst being nuked (No. I’m not having a stroke. Watch the damn movie!), the poor schlub waiting on his personal treat rubs the lantern and out pops a sexy topless genie. His first wish is to have her cover up (he ain’t no creep!), realizing he may not be the brightest bulb, she gives him that one as a freebie and explains the rules. His next wish is to have her make him another pizza, with that done, he asks for a bunch of scary stories. The meat of our film is spread over nine tales and in between we get more banter from the two leads.

Deadbolt **1/2

A young girl home alone on Halloween night has her popcorn-and-horror-film evening pestered by a malevolent force with a penchant for ringing doorbells.

Convention Girl ***

A hookup at a horror convention ends in death for a poor girl and two friends have to figure out what course of action to take. One man’s claim of a vampire attack is not easily swallowed by his buddy but the removal of a wooden stake may change things.

Birthday Dinner ****

An emotionally tense married couple argue over the father’s punishment of the young girl on her birthday. Dad’s trying to curb her bratty behavior but mom feels he’s being far too harsh. A little hope after their conversation reveals something way more twisted than stern parenting.

Whispering Board ***

Three sorority girls attempt to contact a murdered boyfriend through a spirit board and some fatal secrets come out between friends.

I Dream of Djinni ***1/2

Our favorite genie tells the weirdest personal experience she’s had in her many years on this rock. It involves a broke schmuck wishing for money, an ideal woman and the ever-important final wish. Of course, every wish has a catch and phrasing is crucial.

Shortly After Nightfall *****

Film noir presented story finds a gumshoe pickup a dame wandering on the road one rainy night. She just wants to go home but he can only take her as far as a nearby motel. He offers to put her up for the night with no ulterior motives, she vanishes from the car when he grabs the shotgun and bag he needs from the trunk. The man has a job to do and that job adds a nice twist to the whole damn thing.

A Bad Heart **

Two years after surviving an attack from her psychotic boyfriend (she was the latest target by a holiday-obsessed serial killer), a young woman goes out on a Valentine’s Day blind date. They bond over the big-ass scars they have (he had heart surgery) and love seems to be blossoming. She opens up about her past and reveals her psycho ex died in the hospital and it turns out he was an organ donor...

Last Breath **1/2

Depressed Beth has an awful best friend whose phone calls seem to leave the poor young girl suicidal but things aren’t exactly what they seem and mental illness can be one hell of a monster.

A Christmas Horror Story ***

80s themed main event has a psychotic killer dressed as Santa knocking off youngsters working at a movie theater overnight, decorating for the annual Christmas party. The cranky boss leaves them to their own devices and the various 80s fashion poster-children get it one by one. As usual with this film, there’s just a bit more going on than your standard stalk and slash. 

Everything wraps up nicely as the genie and the dude, who have been talking and drinking together the whole time, finally come to that pesky last wish. Genuine laughs, likable leads (Megan Shepherd stealing the spot of my favorite film genie from Andrew Divoff) and more hits than misses make for one hell of a fun anthology. There’s still some low-bar humor and so-so acting (honestly, if you’re looking for Daniel Day Lewis at this budget you’re the one with the problem) but it’s really not that distracting. The fact that I didn’t notice it ran past two hours says a hell of a lot.

Chupacabra Terror (2005) (USA)

aka Chupacabra: Dark Seas

⭐️⭐️1/2

An obsessed cryptozoologist (Giancarlo Esposito!) captures a chupacabra in South America and smuggles it aboard a cruise ship to finally make a name for himself. Of course, the monster escapes and the pleasure cruise turns into a nightmare journey of survival. The ship’s captain (John Rhys-Davies!), his daughter (Chelan Simmons) and a US Federal Marshall (Dylan Neal) add some class to the proceedings as the man-in-a-suit goat-sucker massacres vacationing victims. Ain’t much more going on than that and who the hell cares? The cast runs around the ship, breaking off just long enough to get torn apart, and the lovely/goofy ghoulie gets plenty of screen time. David Millbern steals the show as a scuzzy thief, running around the ship and getting his hands on whatever loot he can. It’s alright, gets a little repetitive but nothing too offensive.

Death Walks at Midnight (1972) (Italy/Spain)

aka Cry Out in Terror/Death Caresses at Midnight

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Valentina, a gorgeous model (knockout Nieves Navarro) has a vision of the horrific murder of a woman via one nasty-looking spiked glove while she’s under the influence of an experimental drug. The journalist who put this whole endeavor together, Gio (Simón Andreu) assures her she will remain anonymous by giving her an eye mask to wear as he starts snapping pictures of her drug trip. Well, Gio being a male in an Italian horror flick, lies his ass off and publishes the story of the sexy model hallucinating a nasty murder while tripping balls, being sure to post her beautiful face all over his magazine cover. Valentina is rightfully unhappy, even more so when she heads to his office to tear him a new one and discovers the “doctor” who administered the hallucinogen to be the building doorman. Embarrassment and a loss of some work have caused Valentina to destroy some property but things are about to get worse because the vision of the young girl’s slaughter ain’t just a product of a chemical high, nope, some poor young lady has had her face smashed in by a spiked glove and now the creepy-ass killer (who looks like the offspring of Richard Lynch and David Gest) knows that there was somehow a witness. The crime in question actually took place in a neighboring apartment building some six months earlier which has Gio and the police thinking Valentina may have already known about it but as for any answers as to who committed it, they’re going to be of little help. Valentina is going to need to do some sleuthing to figure out who the iron-gloved culprit is because her life is on the line. Of course, there’s much more going on than just a needlessly complicated murder. Hanging around to add complications are Valentina’s mostly useless boyfriend Stefano (Peter Martell), some creepy dude (not the killer) trying to speak with Valentina but continually getting blown off and a dead woman’s sister looking for answers. Valentina (who gets her own song!) is a likable protagonist which helps the viewer as we navigate the purposefully convoluted opening acts as they stack question upon question and map out story progression into multiple dead ends. It’s all way too fucking long and not exactly worth the trip but entertaining enough to get a pass and the ridiculous rooftop chase/fight is pretty damn wonderful and stupid.