⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Claudia rents out the upper floor of an isolated house during a trip to a seemingly abandoned part of Europe. It’s all being done as a means to confront her insecurities and strengthen her resolve into doing what’s best for her instead of pleasing the people around her. She befriends the charmingly eccentric (ok, sometimes creepy) owner of the place, Letizia, who introduces her to the practice of metafonia which is a fancy-ass Italian way of saying EVP and not the phonological process used in the romance languages… and here I thought my phonology course in college would never be useful. Letizia has a modified radio setup in her bedroom and she claims it’s a means of communicating with those who have passed on from this living realm, Claudia is doubtful at first and thinks it may just be the desperation of a lonely older woman at play but when you fiddle around with the supernatural it almost always fiddles back. Claudia seems to contact her recently departed grandma and gets a little spooked. Things get worse as her stay grows disquieting and she’s visited by strange dreams of exploring liminal spaces in lo-fi video POV that also kind of looks like a PlayStation cutscene with tracking issues and disturbing audio. There’s also something sinister waiting at the end of things. It oddly works. Leti has some secrets of her own and her cozy old house has a few terrifying stories to tell. Maybe communing with the dead ain’t such a great idea especially if on the other end of the line is something more than human, or less depending on your definition. Successfully nailing the visuals of the gothic horror that put its home country on the radar of genre fans, the emulation of the aura that came before fits well in the modern context of a stranger wading through unfamiliar waters. Vast emptiness and fog shrouded environments do well to paint our sympathetic hero as a visitor in a land that very few people would ever be prepared for and the dimly lit and narrow interiors mesmerize with a cramped antiquity. It then shifts into a more contemporary slice of the macabre madness as it reveals what it’s conjuring. Purposely paced and set to a very low boil, the film relies on solid atmosphere and performances combined with some intriguing visuals and plot points. It falters slightly in execution and kind of gets lost in its own weirdo narrative but it’s still refreshingly strange, impressively realized and not at all what I was expecting.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The allure of internet fame and the money that comes with it gets two desperate YouTubers trespassing into a large fenced-off abandoned property they happened to stumble across. You know exactly where this is going. They fake some spooky footage and the views roll in so that sends them back to the secluded property. The building with an intense aura of foreboding is proven to be the real deal and the duo of youthful dinks come face to face with something terrifying and well outside their realm of experience. This is all leading to a rough night for Aldo and Cristian as their initial tomfoolery becomes terror. As found footage fans we have seen this scenario play out a couple hundred times but where this flick differs is that it actually manages to be a bit frightening. Our protagonists can get a little obnoxious but luckily have enough charm to avoid the disdain you sometimes get for these idiots and the duo who aren’t above faking activity (Aldo a bit more than Cristian) manage to stay in the viewer’s good graces somehow. Aldo’s quest for relevance in a crowded market puts to sleep any common sense and the more level-headed Cristian goes along with his friend even as his fear magnifies. The intensity of the paranormal activity ratchets up as the house reveals its past and what is currently staining its halls. This all helps move everything along, pulling it well outside the realm of boredom these bad boys sometimes hit. The haunting is far more hands on than the vague bullshit that can drown this budget-strained genre and the setting is suitably awesome for the night of horrors in front of our heroes. Well worth tracking down.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A young couple and their pre-teen son take a little camping trip with some friends in the gorgeous wilds of Vancouver. They decide to extend their pleasant trip after their friends leave and do a little exploring in a remote patch of forest called Stickman’s Hollow. The area is supposed to be home to amazing views and fishing but you just have to make your way down a creepy trail to get to the spot. This is the footage that was discovered from their fateful hike into an isolated area with a pretty sinister vibe. The camera is a gift to the young boy from his aunt, so it makes sense why the little dude is excited to record everything. A standard opening hits the tropes (a local acting suspicious when the Hollow is mentioned, family hijinks, recorded mundanity, ill omens) you would expect and the trailhead is marked by a statue of a man made of sticks (I probably didn’t need to say that) and some Blair Witch tree art (also probably didn’t need to mention that). Instead of peeling out after immediately seeing that admittedly horrific greeting to spooky wilderness, the family hikes on. So far, so found footage. Luckily, even if the performances may falter in some aspects, there’s still a solid chemistry between the family and the breathtaking location is very easy on the eyes. So, the early going setup isn’t an uphill battle and as mundane as it is with sinister bits creeping in, it has to be this dry to allow for the impact of when the wheels come off and the film takes some unexpected detours. Saying much more would spoil everything and this is one bad boy I definitely recommend going in as blind as possible. Impressive sound design, a solid utilization of its setting, an intriguing unraveling of its plot and a true aura of eeriness add a level of spookiness it’s hard to find in this subgenre that seems to usually go out of its way to disappoint me.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
An American reporter (Mike Wilson) and an English photographer (Howard Meade, looking like a fay Robert Englund) on their way to cover a music festival stumble across a huge story when fate brings them to the little-known Democracy of Gudavia. Unaware of the accident which has thrown them in a place they shouldn’t be, the duo are arrested as spies by the local forces. When the man in charge, a Dr. Boronski (who is actually a vanished biologist by the name of Macklin) is alerted, he’s horrified that an American and an English journalist have been arrested and he demands they be freed. Boronski has gained control of the area (after the mysterious death of the king) thanks to his experimentation with gamma rays on humans. Not only has he created genius children, his work has resulted in a race of zombie-like folks under his control. This has made it easier for him to stay in power. Mike and Howard try their best to get the hell out of the small town but are finding it rather difficult. Judging by the female population of the area, I think I’d rather position myself for a long holiday... have you seen Jocelyn Lane? Of course, they find it easier to hang around when suspicious things keep playing out and the folks in power keep assuring them everything is fine. The mad doctor’s assistant Paula (mighty alluring Eva Barton) enlists the aid of the two foreigners because her brother Hugo (a real little shit) is in need of rescuing from her boss, as well as a local little girl who is way more likable. Science fiction, political strife and comedy make for an odd mixture and it’s refreshing to come across something nearly eight decades old that feels this unique. The budget constraints affect how well the film works but it’s still interesting enough to be worth a watch or two. This could be a bias though. This was one of the first videotapes I ever owned, so it got plenty of watches in my younger days.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
A comatose teen’s mind possesses a newcomer at the boarding school where she had her accident. Said accident was due to the combined bitchery of her fellow students and general awfulness of a sleazy fitness instructor. Looks like revenge is in the works and the prank that ended in head trauma will not be forgotten. Kathy (student-cum-vegetable) was never accepted by her schoolmates but who needs friends when you have telekinesis. New student Eva proves to be the perfect conduit for Kathy’s psychic revenge. Wonderful latter-days Fulci stupidity follows. A mute housekeeper with glowing red eyes, who is also Kathy’s mother, is hanging around acting all suspicious. Kathy’s doctor gets called in when Eva appears to have a nervous attack and she begins making googly eyes at him. Flesh eating fantasies, Tom Cruise, Snoopy, Sylvester Stallone, Yoda, awful humans, a slow death by snails, murder by statue, murder by reflection and plenty of footage of Kathy lying in her hospital bed with a monitor showing her brainwaves going all wonky. It’s all very dumb and oh so enjoyable.
aka Amityville Prison
⭐️1/2
Drunk dummies do what drunk dummies do and end up getting knocked off one by one in an abandoned prison. Tagging along with their filmmaker friend, they break into the creepy location and attempt to catch something spooky on camera and maybe make some cash. People disappear, people attempt to act and people also make some dumbass choices. Is it a goof? Is it a haunting? Is it a psychopath? Is it going to offer you almost 90 minutes of enjoyment? I’ll never tell… but no, no it will not. Frank Whaley surprisingly bookends the film as a detective interviewing the lone survivor of the group. The Holmesburg Prison shooting location is awesome and supplies its own atmosphere but the characters are pretty annoying and make it tough to give a damn about what’s going on. There’s talk of crop circle architecture, human experimentation, alien hotspots and other things to keep your brain occupied… wishing for a better movie.
aka Tales of the Creeping Death
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Drifting along life to wherever the road may take him, wandering hitman Goose comes across a castle located in the desolate countryside. He’s been called there by the eccentric and wheelchair-bound Harold. Goose has made the trip with the promise of money from the homeowner who has a job for him. It’s twenty grand for Goose to stay with the man until three in the morning and make sure he is kept alive. Goose is annoyed by the talkative weirdo and he may be a cold prick but his host is definitely a bit too whimsical for the tastes of any adult. To pass the time, Harold weaves some yarns he makes up from a collection of newspaper headlines he keeps in a scrapbook. The first story finds a Halloween party guest getting invited to a private Halloween party with his friends at a fancy mansion in the middle of nowhere. The party proves to be a bit stuffy, with the trio of much younger guests looking incredibly out of place. Billy begins to question the party and his friends as the off vibes get to him. As most thirty-year-old men do when confronted with social awkwardness, Billy gets drunk off of punch and confrontational to the elderly party guests. Obviously, his suspicions are well-founded and there’s something sinister in the works. Kind of coming off like a homegrown story from Tales from the Crypt, it definitely works a bit of nostalgia magic and utilizes off-color humor with a shockingly strong cast to be pretty damn fun. Odd and a strong opening to things. Harold’s next story follows a broken-hearted young man jumping off a cliff and being collected by some schlubby weirdo who was waiting for his fatal fall. He gathers up the corpse and drags it home to his apartment. He has a room filled with corpses (with ping-pong ball eyes taped on em), treating em like his own gang of friends. Kevin’s buddy John also hangs out with him and doesn’t seem to mind all the corpses hanging around. The landlord shows up looking for rent and ends up having a heart attack when he comes across the “party”. A one-note joke goes on much longer than necessary and then decides to just keep on going. It all wares out the patience because the comedy isn’t there to payoff the length. Goose gets annoyed with Harold as he calls bullshit on all the stories he’s being told. Harold persists. A trio of young people are driving around looking for a hotel in the middle of nowhere. They’re on their way for a team-bonding weekend and decide to do some roadside adventuring when they realize they are going to be very early to the event. This begrudgingly brings them to a cave attraction and even though they are closed, the guide lets them pop in for ten minutes to look around. The two guys are bored as hell and would much rather be fishing but the female of the group is all about it. A low-budget cave-in starts up and the three flee. They can’t find the guide so they just decide to leave. Their car is dead and they have no phone signal on any of their devices. With no other option, they trek it to the nearest point of population. There’s no luck as it seems everyone has just vanished and the hotel where they’re supposed to be staying is completely void of life. Strange noises from the sky cause further concern and our trio are lost for any kind of answer. Bright lights and louder sounds lead to a revelation but the answer doesn’t necessarily offer any sort of comfort. A very neat low-key bit of predictability which is fine by me. A storm approaches, Goose gets himself some brandy and Harold insists on telling one last story before his security takes his leave. The final story has a middle-aged couple camping in the woods and running afoul something savage. They don’t last long and the woman’s adult son with a neurological disorder is left to deal with the massacre of his mother. A creepy hobo warns him of werewolves and then begins to stalk him. Life carries on and the young man goes about his work of being a bingo caller (his shiny suit and bow tie is quite impressive) at a hall run by a real asshole. His rhythm is thrown off when the homeless stalker shows up. It’s about as disastrous as a bingo game can go. A sympathetic hero and a backyard sfx werewolf transformation (and slaughter) really seal the deal. There’s a few shocking bits of honestly solid comedy to go along with the lo-fi monster moments and I am here for that. As is tradition, with Goose’s time at an end, we learn why Harold hired him on. An under-reliance on any digital special effects further endears this film to me and the usage of short stories to build a movie makes sure there’s no real boredom. With only one story not really doing anything for me, I’d call this anthology a success. Just be sure you’re setting your expectation in the proper realm of horrific shenanigans.
