aka Slime
⭐️1/2
Some sort of sentient and toxic ooze is released from below the earth during the construction of the Cedar Gate Conference Center. Ignoring the concerns of the biologist they’ve hired to assess the land, the men behind the creation of the center decide to fire the concerned scientist and get on with the building. One year passes and an ecological summit is being held at the site for its opening week. Kevin Sorbo shows up as a cheeky globetrotting priest heading the summit and Natalie Brown plays the events coordinator who falls for the holy man. We also get an asthmatic web blogger with a fear of public speaking and a spoiled celebrity heiress with a toy dog and a bad attitude... sounds like a hell of a summit! Sure as shit, the oozing black blob begins attacking (skin contact with it causes the victim to manifest their deepest fear and die) and it’s up to Sorbo, Brown, the fired biologist and a former crooked cop now head of security to stop the monster. Pretty lame flick is hampered by a shitty creature (only one quick flash of a giant slime covered skull attacking a couple plumbers shows any inspiration) and a nothing plot. Sorbo is charming and Brown is always welcome but everything else barely registers. You’re fine letting this one languish in obscurity.
1/2
A bunch of missing children brings a group of insufferable online social justice activists deep into the Wisconsin woods. They’re looking for fame and they orchestrate a boogeyman in the form of Cropsey but instead of hunting a serial killer that actually doesn’t exist, they come face to face with an urban legend that’s actually real. They realize too little too late they are in way over their heads and the found footage is there to show you what happened. The unlikable team (they’re supposed to be but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch) are a mixture of wannabe celebrities and struggling actors willing to do whatever they can to get views. Manipulation, desecration and exploitation play out and it’s all at the hands of the quartet of dinks about to meet their maker. Being annoying in the woods ain’t exactly a crime but when they torture and murder a hermit who may have himself some supernatural powers, something sinister comes a-calling. The footage is sourced from outtakes, scrubbed footage, raw footage, live stream and edits and it works to keep things a little schizophrenic but sadly doesn’t make it any more interesting than usual. Leading lady Rinska Corrasco can overact with the best (or worst) of them and makes for one suitably detestable human. She really diminishes your will to get through the movie and the generic killer doesn’t help things (even if he is rocking the burlap sack headgear I love so much). A good amount is played for laughs, which is unfortunate because it’s not really funny and would have worked better as a straight-up horror flick. Shit gets downright stupid and the movie just keeps going.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Dropping any semblance of the unearned superiority the original outing wore like a high-quality perfume on a dead hooker, Damiano Damiani’s prequel is one down and dirty scuzz-fest which feels like it would be more at home as the bottom billing on an Italian horror double feature at a theater that specializes in after hours porno loops. Needles to say, it’s a superior sequel. Burt Young and Andrew Prine are there too, reminding you that any semblance of class has been cut with a razor and snorted up some sweaty producer’s nose. A dysfunctional family moves into a new home and eldest son… Sonny… starts acting strange. What starts off as stomach trouble and eerie voices eventually leads to incest and murder. There’s already some weird vibes going on between brother and sister before the house starts working its dark magic and the family patriarch (Burt Young at his scummiest) is one abusive piece of garbage who doesn’t need much of a push to go over the edge. A mover finds a hidden crawl space in the basement that’s full of flies and shit, witlessly unleashing the standard POV malevolence. Objects move, phantom knocks plague the night, walls are painted with the message “dishonor thy father” (yep, it leads to a Burt Young belt whippin’) and Sonny pulls a shotgun on dad during one of his smack-fests. The put-upon mother invites the local priest to come and bless the house (much to Burt Young’s chagrin). He doesn’t get to because shit gets thrown around in the kitchen, Burt Young slaps his children and kicks the priest out. Standard Sunday. Luckily, Father Adamsky figures there’s more going on than your standard domestic awfulness. Unluckily, he’s a little too late in saving the family from the oncoming massacre thanks to the church dragging their heels when it comes to sanctioning an exorcism. Everyone’s favorite Scary German Guy pops in to warn against a hasty exorcism and Sonny starts transforming into a discount Pazuzu with a shotgun (made all the more uncomfortable due to it being based on an actual crime… now that’s EXPLOITATION). Andrew Prine eventually comes into the picture as Father Adamsky’s buddy and fellow priest who doesn’t do much outside of showing up too late to help with anything. It definitely runs way longer than it needs to but there’s a lot of trashiness to keep you occupied and smiling… at least if you’re like me.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
It’s 1959 and Hellboy journeys deep into the Appalachian mountains with a rookie BPRD agent and a junior G-Man after something goes wrong while transferring a dangerous spider supposedly harboring a demon. Well, a train accident thanks to the escaped arachnid (now humongous) has Hellboy and parapsychologist Bobbie Jo Song (the G-Man loses his head almost immediately) stranded in a place that’s older than the trees. Hellboy immediately recognizes the area as being stained with darkness and even hears the call himself. Appalachian folklore is rife with nightmare entities and one of the worse goes by the horrifying name The Crooked Man (a perfect Martin Bassindale). Of course, the duo come face to horrifying face with this evil being when they stumble upon awfulness in a part of the world forgotten and ignored by modern terrors. Witchcraft brings them into local problems and the return of a young man from the war by the name of Tom Ferrell (a game Jefferson White) who ran off after an encounter with the Devil have them deciding to help out with a hex and a reluctant witch by the name of Cora Fisher that Tom once called a friend. Hellboy just wants to get the rookie agent out of the situation but she wants to get her hands dirty and with them tracking the evil spider, they might as well assist where they can. Shit spirals out of control and several more terrifying pieces come into play. Joseph Marcell adds some class as a man of the cloth holding down one of the last sanctuaries in a Godless land and Leah McNamara is loving every minute of scene stealing as the evil and tempting Effie Kolb. Making the smart choice of dropping the cosmic horrors and deep dive into Mignola world history the other films (not that I don’t love them or anything. Yes, I am even one of the few fans of the David Harbour outing) have focused on, this outing for Big Red adapts one of Mignola’s more terrifying tales and turns the volume down on the mythology of our Hell-born protagonist. It’s nice that Mr. Mignola has blessed us with a wealth of excellent yarns (seriously, I don’t believe the man has worked on one bad story from the Hellboy universe) and it’s about time someone brought one of his “quieter” pieces of history to the screen. The adaptation is faithful to the source and that is much appreciated (they even do the witchball tutorial!) and Jack Kesy is an excellent younger version of Big Red. The rookie parapsychologist may be a tad underdeveloped but it ain’t all that distracting and Adeline Rudolph is capable enough in the role. Witches, zombies, demon familiars, empty skin suits, crows, bugs and a whole lot of sarcasm will have anyone in love with the universe Mignola created grinning from ear to ear. A wonderful film with some weak digital effects but if you can manage to pull your head out of your ass for just a minute and accept that it was working with a much smaller budget than most of anything adapted from a graphic novel, you should have a great time with it. I hope they do more because this is a world I’d love to spend a bunch more time in.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Following Dracula less than ten months later, James Whale’s Frankenstein crafted a far more entertaining macabre feature and helped bring the first true horror boom to America. Utilizing stellar set design, a quicker pace and one hell of a cast, Frankenstein made for a true classic. Colin Clive is perfect as the man slipping into mania as he falls deeper into obsession, Dwight Frye gives another winning performance as the hunchbacked assistant Fritz and Boris Karloff became a legend with his beautiful portrayal of a sympathetic monster doomed to tragedy. Dr. Frankenstein is causing anxiety in his loved ones as he obsesses over his quest at playing God. With his loyal assistant in tow, he robs graves to collect the body parts his experiment necessitates. Fritz collects an abnormal brain (he accidentally destroyed the normal one) and when an electrical storm arrives, he’s ready to bring life to that which no longer lives. The arrival of his fiancée, best friend and former professor grants him an audience for his final triumph. As successful as his initial experiment was, he seems to be having trouble acclimating his creature to the world. The over exhaustion mixed with what may just be failure due to the creature’s savagery (exacerbated by Fritz’s abuse of the poor thing) leads Henry to suffer a nervous breakdown. It’s decided that he shall return home and Dr. Waldman (who has been working beside Henry since his successful animation of dead flesh) will destroy the creation. It doesn’t exactly work out that way and the monster escapes. Of course, Henry doesn’t realize that his failed experiment is haunting the countryside and making its way back to him... guaranteed to ruin his wedding day. From the atmospheric graveyard opening to the climatic windmill encounter, Frankenstein never really gives you a chance to catch your breath. It’s wonderful how quickly everything plays out. This first true American horror masterpiece has rightfully earned its spot in genre history. There will never be a more recognized monster in the filmgoing psyche.
aka Bloodlust/The Black Forest Vampire/The Vampire of Nuremberg
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Depressing and disturbing Swiss flick manages to make you feel yucky all over but is so well done it's hard to dismiss it as exploitive crap. So... win? Beaten deaf and dumb by his abusive, sister-molesting father, our introverted protagonist (?) goes about his life excelling at his accounting job and living a quiet existence in his depressing and doll-filled apartment. There's a looney neighbor girl who dances and dreams constantly, that he has developed some kind of innocent and non-physical relationship with. He cares for a pet mouse and seems to enjoy putting red liquids on his skin (ketchup and ink to be exact). But we won't be staying in this admittedly creepy but less than harmful atmosphere for too long. After a prostitute pickup ends in ridicule, some cracks (well, deeper cracks, begin to show) and our man begins tumbling downward into psychosis. He makes a habit of breaking into funeral homes and drinking the blood of female corpses. He even brings one home, sets her up in a creepy room made to look like a funeral parlor viewing room and slowly dismembers the body. Corpse desecration and eyeball snatching eventually draws the attention of the police and press. He's named himself Mosquito and leaves his name in red marker at the site of every crime. As you probably already knew, corpse abuse can only take you so far and Mosquito's addiction escalates to murder. The death of his creepy girlfriend (she dances herself right off a roof) seems to break him completely and a poor banging couple pay the price. But when you're more concerned with blood drinking than getting rid of evidence, things have a way of falling apart. Dealt with in a completely serious fashion, Bloodlust, never feels like it's exploiting the true-life crimes it's loosely based upon. Solid performances abound and there's a generally chilling atmosphere the whole way through. A dark classic given star treatment from Mondo Macabro.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Newly married George and Kathy Lutz (Josh Brolin and Margot Kidder) move into a piece of beautiful Long Island real estate along with Kathy’s three kids. It does not take long for them to discover there is something very evil in the house. A son murdered his entire family with a shotgun one year prior in the house and blamed it all on demonic possession. Thanks to that horrible bit of recent history, the Lutz clan get a good deal on the place and are able to ignore the current tragedy because “Houses don’t have memories.” The family priest (Rod Steiger) comes over to bless the place, encounters a fly infestation and gets violently ill. A spooky voice growls at him to “GET OUT” and he wisely listens. Homeowner nightmares include cold spots, more voices, an unsettling sealed-off basement room, plumbing issues, a sick nun, missing money and one nasty pig-lookin’ thing that pops up briefly. George starts feeling like shit and mentally breaking and it seems like he may be heading down the same path as the young family slayer. The youngest daughter makes a new invisible friend named Jody, a babysitter gets locked in a closet and any religious interference is dealt with maliciously. A convenient clairvoyant shows up to explain things and it ties into some bad Native American ground and some sicko called Ketcham who was run out of Salem. Based on the pretty much debunked story of the Lutz family and Jay Anson’s best selling book about the horrors experienced by said young family that got in way over their heads. Brolin’s epic beard/hair combo steals the show and Margot Kidder is a got-damn fox. The opening is still pretty effective and there’s a few jolts but it’s not exactly a classic and loses focus at the pivotal juncture where things start slipping out of control. Don Stroud and Murray Hamilton show up as priests and Rod Steiger does some serious scene chewing.
