⭐️⭐️1/2
Pablo’s frustrations with finding the perfect woman leads him to rent out an entire bungalow-style hotel with a private beach included. Rest and relaxation does a man good but Pablo has some other kinks which are downright perverted. See, Pablo is a bit of a sadist and this is bad news for the women he’s keeping captive. His dream woman is of the defenseless variety and the man is just looking for an authentic submissive slave. Yeah. Pablo is a dick. We’re introduced to him looking out on the water, thinking about his perfect woman and reminiscing about a few years back when he was at the beach and able to live out his fantasies. If you’ve wondered why he is alone, we see how he attempts to pick up women. A lovely lady minding her own business is asked by Pablo is she wants to go out with him. Before she can answer, Pablo shows her a Polaroid of his dick. He’s that kind of winner. Shockingly, she rebuffs him. He decides to be less aggressive in his methods. For some reason, he reads that as kidnapping a woman at gunpoint and holding her captive. Pablo is pretty much every man who has to call himself an “alpha”. Sexual assault and rape aren’t far behind. His captive attempts to escape as Pablo rubs one out and Pablo accidentally beats her to death. Since he is the way he is, he has sex with her corpse multiple times. Luckily, he just talks about it and we don’t have to see it. He grabs himself another lovely lady and the cycle continues, even if the cops are beginning to poke around. Guilt also allows for nightmare visitations from the rotting corpses of his victims. But perverts gonna perv, and Pablo keeps on going. Things shift when he meets a woman who is more than willing to play his game and may be a bigger pervert than him. It shines a light on the fact that when confronted with what he wants, Pablo has no idea how to handle it. Thong bikinis, leashes, bare butts, beach masturbation, blowjobs, prayer, candles up the pooper and a growing body count fill out the downward spiral of deviance. Dialogue that defies reason “Her perfect body made my heart pump sperm instead of blood.” and humor that’s so dark you probably shouldn’t legally call it funny make for an interesting (for all the wrong reasons) experience. It all feels like some pervert got his hands on some cash and a camera and decided to bring his fantasies to life… he just wasn’t talented enough to make this more than a curio to the weirdest of trash film fans. Luckily, we found each other. Regardless, it goes on for way too long and could have used a heavy editing hand.
⭐️1/2
The cast and crew of a stage play are in serious trouble when a hunchbacked madman terrorizing the town sets his sights on them and begins picking them off with poison bullets. A couple reporters and their moronic photographer get lured into a trap after a forged note from the star of the show brings drama editor Jean Monroe to the theater during a rehearsal. She’s placed herself in hot water because she authored an article falsely claiming she came face to face with The Fiend and now the killer thinks she can identify him. The show’s author, Peter Fortune, is also an amateur sleuth and has assisted the police force in solving difficult crimes, so he makes his way over to lend a helping hand. Everyone ends up staying in the same hotel and one of the show’s actors by the name of Reardon gets caught in a lie. Following some minimal action and something that really wanted to be called comedy, Reardon is revealed to be the hunchbacked terror… or is he?!? Hard to point the finger at a dead man… which seems like a real dumbass move by our “intelligent” killer. It’s pretty obvious who is behind the nefarious deeds. You probably won’t care because it’s all a stuffy drag that never feels focused enough to be interesting. Usually with flicks of this vintage they have some charm to get me through, but this time out it was a chore from start to end.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vincent Price goes up against Robert Quarry, guaranteeing a large smile on my stupid face for the runtime, as Phibes returns at a predetermined moment some three years after his first reign of terror. Unfortunately his house has been demolished and the desperate Darrus Beiderbeck (Quarry, naturally) has managed to get his hands on the “Scrolls of Life”. Something the not-so-good doctor needs to find the Egyptian River of Life and resurrect his dead wife. Vulnavia joins him again, played by Valli Kemp this time out, and looking a lot better than you’d think following her acid bath from the prior outing. It doesn’t take long for Phibes to get his hands back on the papyrus and carry out his plan for his beloved’s resurrection. Beiderbeck and his crew proceed to Egypt and have to deal with some more delightfully ridiculous (and fatal) traps laid out by Phibes. Inspector Trout returns to be just as befuddled as last time as the silly deaths start up again and he anxiously comes to realize Phibes has returned. Caroline Munro reprises her uncredited role as the late Victoria Phibes and Peter Cushing cameos as the captain of the steamer all the parties take to Egypt. The sequel leans harder into camp humor but it doesn’t take much away from the enjoyment factor and Quarry is a nice addition to everything. It’s does meander somewhat and seems a bit too knowing for it’s own good but it’s still a hell of a fun time and I’m always thankful when Price is given the chance to chew some scenery… he also sings Over the Rainbow and that’s just wonderful. It’s a pity we never got the planned third outing.
⭐️⭐️
A government funded trauma study is focusing on subjects who were hit with sudden and life-altering trauma. Maddy O’Brien is one of these subjects and she has been tasked to film her day to day life with the help of a researcher from the program (Alice). We’re seeing this footage combined with some home video and unauthorized monitoring footage installed on Maddy’s personal devices thanks to a court order, although some material is still redacted. Maddy’s parents have left the house on vacation as the final stage of the study concerns the subject being on her own except for the researcher monitoring her and checking in daily. Maddy is researching some odd shit that may or may not have to do with whatever awfulness went down a year ago and Alice lets her dig even if her superiors aren’t happy about it. There’s stories of a fertility cult her parents were a part of to deepen the intrigue. Noises in the empty house begin to bother Maddy but she keeps looking into her past. Old family videos are found, there’s plenty of footage of nothing (and with this supposedly being edited down from 600 hours, I really can’t imagine how ass-numbing the cut footage was) and a demonically terrifying history behind the cult is revealed. A successfully disturbing collage of home video is found in the attic and it kind of just makes you regret they had to wait this long for any macabre thrills to come into play. Even at under an hour, it feels a bit too long. There’s effort thrown into the story and the small cast is fine but there’s a large chunk that just sort of ambles until the info dump falls and we get to the point.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Troubled pasts and impromptu séances go together like horny teens and abandoned campgrounds. I mean, it’s good for we the viewers but for the characters… bad times are ahead. Jo definitely has some trauma knocking around her past. We can see this from a freak out she has on her way to a graduation party with a small group of friends. “Friends” is a loose term as some of the derps don’t seem all that happy her sad-sack ass is there to kill the mood (judging by the bruises, she’s justified in her glums). She does have her supporters, so it’s not a complete wreck. After a discussion on paranormal party games, a séance/tarot (playing cards) and makeshift Ouija board thing happens and one more guest arrives but this one has some malevolent intent… more so than any of the somewhat moody high school seniors. They forget to say goodbye when they finish and as anyone who watches horror films knows, that’s a costly move. Presenting its teenage characters as humans with depth is a very refreshing move, sure they have their flaws but who the hell doesn’t… especially at that age. Even the pervert is at least believable in being a scumbag. Tension rises and attitudes shift as something unseen begins working its dark machinations while manipulating pre-existing issues amongst the group. The paranormal is really great at exposing secrets… and finding vessels… like, really good at moving on in to someone’s body. Violent retribution (hell, I cringed at one bit of disposable razor violence) follows as the unknown make its way through the group. The movie gets extra points for giving a shit about its characters and featuring a cat named Pooch. Even though the possession angle and friend group secrets has been played out many times by this point, it’s still put to use in a shockingly professional way and with far more effort than anyone who kicks around this decade’s output would expect. Predictable but still impressive. Even the ending that would usually come off as lazy makes sense.
⭐️1/2
An abandoned high school set to be demolished is visited by a teacher and four of his students for its historical value… but before we get to them, some young dope is hanging around pre-credits causing mischief and opening up a wall in the school’s cellar because he’s a little shit. Some mystical security guard warns him that the Devil is behind the locked basement door he just unearthed with his wanton destruction. The dipshit doesn’t listen to the guard’s warnings and insists on getting out whoever is behind the door causing a ruckus. He gets bludgeoned to death by the security guard before that’s possible. We join the group of dopes on their way to the school as the teacher lets them know that before it was a high school is was a processing center for slaves and was just as horrible for them as one would imagine it would be. Seems like a good enough reason for evil to be hidden away there. The teacher actually graduated and student-taught at the place before it closed down. A couple of the students are assholes and there is in-fighting amongst them. So, great. They wander around the dangerous building (rats, broken glass, general disarray) looking to salvage some historically important things and come across that concerned security guard. They split up to cover more ground and another warning is ignored about staying out of the basement. The lone female amongst the group is psychically drawn to a wall that she punches through and the key to that dangerous basement door is found. Because of idiocy, nothing is questioned and the spooky door is opened. Heavy winds, Raimi POV camera work and a concerned look on the guard’s face lets us know that bad times are ahead. A large man with digitally altered glowing red eyes is the evil from the basement and it’s less than thrilling to behold. The guard fills the teacher in on what’s going down and the body count slightly grows. There’s some silly violence and some effort thrown into the folklore and message behind what’s happening but it’s still a mostly mundane flick that only offers up a few notable bits.
aka The Curse of Dr. Phibes
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vincent Price is at his hammy best as a hideously scarred monster of a man dishing out some of the most ridiculous vengeance ever seen on the screen to a batch of doctors that failed to save his wife’s (an uncredited Caroline Munro) life on the operating table. Along with his beautiful mute assistant, Vulnavia, Phibes hits the medical professionals with “interesting” spins of the biblical “Plagues of Egypt”. That wild synopsis doesn’t even scratch the surface of the insanely fun time. Price maniacally plays the organ, conducts a jazz band comprised of mechanical musicians (his Clocwork Wizards), speaks through a voice box, dances with his assistant and has a blast as the comical madman with vengeance on the brain. His supporting cast is excellent as well, although it’s completely Price’s show. Joseph Cotten is the main target of Phibes’ malicious machinations and Peter Jeffrey is the befuddled Inspector Trout trying to bring an end to the reign of lunatic terror plaguing the city. “Nine killed her! Nine shall die!” A kitschy classic of the highest order.
