aka Shocking Fear
⭐️⭐️1/2
Loose adaptation of Lovecraft’s eponymous short story finds a large group of people fighting for their lives inside a decrepit old church. There are some creepy ghouls living under the cemetery and they are out for blood. The group of humans on the menu consist of some surviving townsfolk, a young woman looking for revenge (her sister became ghoul chow), a young man hunting down some money his father hid in the graveyard and the man whose money was stolen. Jon Finch plays the bad guy who turns out to be just as much a villain as the rubbery creatures living beneath the earth. Poor acting and awful one liners abound but that’s all saved by Jeffrey Combs as a chain smoking and alcoholic doctor, a climatic cat fight in the rain and mud and a short runtime. Vincent Schiavelli is wasted as an undertaker who knows where the stashed loot is.
aka X-Mas Tale
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A group of children (5 to be more precise) stumble upon a woman dressed like Santa Clause trapped in a hole in the middle of the woods. Two of the kids discover she’s a thief when they swing by the police station for help and when they realize she stole two million pesetas from a bank (and that they basically hold all the cards) they hatch a plan. The sole girl in the group really seems to be the only one who has a conscience, with her “boyfriend” only seeming to protest because she is. On the other end is the Karate-Kid-loving weirdo and two brothers who just may be sociopaths. They decide to deprive the woman of food to get the location of the loot and the two brothers get the idea from their favorite movie, Zombie Invasion, to perform a voodoo ritual on the woman and make her their undead slave. They eventually get her to give up the cash (hidden on her in place of Santa’s legendary large tummy) but when they go back to let her out they find her dead. At least they think so. They come back with a police officer to collect on the prize money and find the hole empty. Well, soon a woman dressed as Santa, driven insane by the torturous situation, exasperated by the greedy kids and brandishing an axe is after the group of shitty children. They fight back in a shutdown theme park and things get a bit bloody. The kids are mostly unlikable (but I feel that way about most children) but pretty realistic in their portrayal. They do manage to build up some sympathy for the trapped woman but you also get the sense that she is usually in the position of apex predator. There’s some cringe-inducing violence and a nice balance of humor and nastiness. The sting in the tail is fantastic and knocks this one into the realm of greatness.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Children orphaned by the escalating cartel problems in a Mexican town attempt to survive on the streets and maintain some sort of family dynamic forged in shared loss. Into their group comes Estrella, a young girl whose mom has recently vanished. Small hints of fairytale make their way into the bleak reality as the child’s perspective of the completely fucked up world can’t help but take the dominant view. Three wishes granted to Estrella during a school lesson interrupted by gun violence serve as a focal point to most of the supernatural shenanigans that play out during the very real dangers of the kids predicament. Her first wish of wanting her mom to return leads to a spectral presence (And might I say, a wonderfully terrifying one at that) following her, demanding some kind of justice. Shine, the leader of the gang of boys has caused further problems by stealing a phone from one of the narcos which contains video evidence of the gang leader (El Chino) and political hopeful, committing murder. There’s more tragedy on the way as El Chino does all he can to get his hands on that damn phone. Shine struggles with his own leadership role, still hanging on to an innocence which should have long been ripped away and not being able to bring himself to sink to the level of his tormentors. It all combines together to make for one riveting, heartbreaking and somehow optimistic look at a dire situation. The horror (as in genre) aspects are used sparingly and effectively throughout. A masterpiece.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
The hidden chamber in an Egyptian pyramid holds one hell of a find for a team of researchers. No, it’s not the treasure or preserved corpse of ancient royalty… that shit is for the birds and would hardly influence the creative output of my hero Mark Palonia. Nope. This team finds a mummified alien shark! Unfortunately, before they can excitedly share this unprecedented find with the rest of the world, a vengeful mystic does what vengeful mystics are known for and brings the damn thing back to murderous life. You just know that Mark Polonia got his hands on someone’s vacation shots of Egypt and crafted a movie around it because why the hell not. You can’t pass that shit up. A white guy with a big beard stands in for the Egyptian mystic and he’s introduced talking shit about America’s reliance on modernity to an archeologist right before he zaps a tiny shark toy (with gauze lazily thrown on) to life. It attacks the archaeologist and the bearded mystic laughs and roars that the man is suitable… as food for the gods! Cue the dance music and cue the credits playing over Egyptian footage that may have been featured in a PlayStation cutscene back in 1995. So… POLONIA POWA!!! Strained dialogue matches the strained relationship between Egypt and American researchers plundering the tombs of the nation’s ancestors. Green screen, discounted stock footage and someone’s available travel shots stand in for the foreign location. The unconvincing team of professors make small talk and speak of shark gods lacking any semblance of conviction. Exactly as I’d want it in anything with Polonia plastered all over it. “Were humans engineered by a species of intelligent sharks?” That’s a question I’ve never asked myself but this flick is brave enough to pose it pretty damn early. The adorable shark starts chowing down on idiots and the team decides to evacuate after security footage of a shark attack is shown… footage that makes little sense as it’s just the previous attack scene shown in black and white with visual glitches *chef’s kiss*. The team takes the sharkophagus (their word, not mine) along with them via wretchedly-rendered digital helicopters, even getting into a silly aerial battle on the way out… allowing the Egyptian government to think they destroyed the team and their find in the process. Now, set up in the jungle (?), the team lays low while our hero stiffly wraps up everything that has happened already and eats a hamburger. Back in Egypt, the “mystic” learns through mystic tomfoolery that the Americans still live and that ain’t gonna sit right with the angry man. After a long stretch with no adorable mummy shark, the mystic finds the group, promises some old bat to the mummy shark as its bride and the damn thing then snickers and growls as it floats through the air and attacks. Mark Polonia pops in as a jungle chef named Cookie, we learn that sharks from outer space built the great pyramids (I had my suspicions), organic Tana leaves are brewed into a tea *Polonia Chef’s Kiss*, the possibility of immortality is realized thanks to cracking the code of the space sharks, possession via Tana leaf tea (she that will become the bride of the mummy shark), Kharis name drops, a hilariously pathetic Air Force interaction over coms and a level of unconvincing impressively plagues every aspect of the filmmaking process. Pure later-days Polonia gold at least seems to be having a bit of fun if you’re in the right frame of mind but if you’re not, just spend an hour and six minutes doing something else.
aka Slayer Santa
⭐️⭐️⭐️
On the anniversary of their big score, a group of young scuzzballs face the grave consequences of the fellow criminal they crossed and murdered. He’s back from the grave, dressed as Santa Clause (it is Christmas) and good at killing. Cheap gore and horrible dialogue converge in some wonderful backyard tomfoolery. Short and sweet but with enough low-grade violence to keep you smiling.
aka Haunted Spirit
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Interesting premise gives the viewer a bit more to chew on than your usual Asian ghost flick from the J-Horror boom of the 00s. A physicist named Hashimoto, who wears his hair like a “scene girl”, has invented something called the Menger Sponge. It’s made from human protein and can capture different electromagnetic wavelengths. When it absorbs enough energy, in theory, it can allow for the defiance of gravity. This has the government interested in it and funding an anti-gravity research team. The team has discovered an unexpected use for it... it can capture ghosts. Since spirits are just a form of energy, the invention allows the small team to cage the ghost of a young boy in a bedroom located in a rundown apartment complex. They bring in a detective to assist with finding out who the boy was and how he died. The cop is also an expert lip reader, which is extremely convenient since the boy is mouthing something but the team has no idea what message he is trying to get across. Detective Tung is skeptical until they spray his eyes with microscopic Menger Sponge and he sees the kid for himself. He’s still planning on leaving until Hashimoto brings up Tung’s mother, who is currently dying in a hospital. Offering up the opportunity to discover if living may be worse than death, Tung finally agrees to help. The ghost proves to be lethal if you look him directly in the eye and a troubled past (tumors, suicide attempt, psychotic mama... the usual) may be why the presence remains. There’s a few more revelations along the way, one of them being a major hinderance to the life expectancy of the team as well as an explanation for the film’s title. The standard raven-haired ghost comes into play but it’s such a rewarding turn that it’s pretty far from boring... and she does strike from a bowl of noodles and that’s pretty damn great. It’s a fascinating film that can be a tad too melodramatic at times.
⭐️⭐️
A mathematics major, strapped for cash, finds free housing with a group of other college students squatting in an abandoned hospital. Unfortunately for them, one of their number has summoned the dimension-traveling monster which terrorized the same building fifty years ago. Inoffensive and slightly dull, Shrieker drags a bit throughout. There's enough to keep your interest in its slight 72 minute run time. I'm just glad it's a Full Moon release that doesn't have any lilliputian menace running around.
