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Thursday, October 22, 2026
The Return of Count Yorga (1971) (USA)
aka Curse of Count Yorga/The Abominable Count Yorga/Vampire Story/Yorga Returns
Yorga is back... along with his disfigured servant and a bundle of vampire concubines. He’s set up shop next to an orphanage and he’s taken a liking to a teacher named Cynthia. A surprising early-in-the-game massacre puts her under the count’s psychic grasp, much to the chagrin of her psychiatrist boyfriend (Roger Perry, obviously not reprising his role from the original). Yorga also has one of the local orphans under his influence, which helps him hide his crimes and bring some victims his way but shit gets difficult when the boyfriend begins to think there’s a vampire at work. Yvonne Wilder is excellent as a mute witness, Craig T Nelson shows up, young as fuck, as a detective and Tom Toner is wonderful as the reverend running the orphanage. Of course, Robert Quarry steals the show as the evil vampire. Bodies are hidden in the bog, vamps rise silently from the earth, Quarry can barely contain his disgust in the presence of humans and there are some fun callbacks to the original. Stronger side characters, comedy that works and a nice bit of atmosphere mold this into a superior sequel.
Monsters of War (2021) (USA/UK)
aka War of the Monsters
The world is pretty damn fucked and it’s not just because it’s apparently populated with crap actors. Nope, various monsters have decided it’s a good time to wage war on humanity and we are losing. Shit cgi brings random creatures to whatever life shoddy computer work can grant (Tyrannosaurs, giant bugs, a fucking dragon and a dumbass humanoid-scorpion thing that gets most of the screen time) and the cast has the acting capabilities of a 3rd grade class populated with oak trees. Various folks meet up and flee whatever random monstrous shit is thrown their way. A mother (glorious Earth Angel Chrissie Wunna) and her kids (in the running for filmdom’s worst child performers) eventually stumble upon a home occupied with a diverse group of community thespians and decide to lay low and survive. The nun in the batch of idiots is convinced it’s some sort of biblical punishment for us sinners, the blonde gal just misses her boyfriend and the goth girl is… well, goth. The home (actually a hostel) is owned by a kind middle-aged woman and her protective son. A couple soldiers show up, scouting for shelters and let everyone know the government is just as lost as they are. Swelling dramatic music plays over the slowest escape in film history, a possibly deaf British man is given too many lines, crew members appear on screen, attempts at drama are rendered absurd by poor performances and then it just kind of ends. There’s a lot of chatter but also a good amount of big, dumb stupidity to get you through. Is it worth your time? No. Not really and if you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think it is, just know I believe in you and I think we’re better off with you on this planet… which is exactly how I feel about Chrissie Wunna.
⭐️1/2
The world is pretty damn fucked and it’s not just because it’s apparently populated with crap actors. Nope, various monsters have decided it’s a good time to wage war on humanity and we are losing. Shit cgi brings random creatures to whatever life shoddy computer work can grant (Tyrannosaurs, giant bugs, a fucking dragon and a dumbass humanoid-scorpion thing that gets most of the screen time) and the cast has the acting capabilities of a 3rd grade class populated with oak trees. Various folks meet up and flee whatever random monstrous shit is thrown their way. A mother (glorious Earth Angel Chrissie Wunna) and her kids (in the running for filmdom’s worst child performers) eventually stumble upon a home occupied with a diverse group of community thespians and decide to lay low and survive. The nun in the batch of idiots is convinced it’s some sort of biblical punishment for us sinners, the blonde gal just misses her boyfriend and the goth girl is… well, goth. The home (actually a hostel) is owned by a kind middle-aged woman and her protective son. A couple soldiers show up, scouting for shelters and let everyone know the government is just as lost as they are. Swelling dramatic music plays over the slowest escape in film history, a possibly deaf British man is given too many lines, crew members appear on screen, attempts at drama are rendered absurd by poor performances and then it just kind of ends. There’s a lot of chatter but also a good amount of big, dumb stupidity to get you through. Is it worth your time? No. Not really and if you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think it is, just know I believe in you and I think we’re better off with you on this planet… which is exactly how I feel about Chrissie Wunna.
Mortuary (1983) (USA)
aka Embalmed
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Following the swimming pool drowning of her father, Christie Parson has been having some strong nightmares. Her mother (Boom! Lynda Day George) believes the tragedy to be nothing but an accident but Christie has her suspicions and begins to look into things with her boyfriend Steve. This draws the attention of a creepy hooded figure and leads Christie and Steve to the local mortuary run by Christopher George and his son Bill FUCKIN’ Paxton. We already know Hank (his royal badness Mr. George) is into some odd shit after Steve and his buddy spy him running a weird ritual involving black robes, an alter and multiple middle-aged women (Lynda Day George among them) in his storage warehouse. Steve’s buddy also comes across a woman’s corpse stashed in a coffin and ends up murdered with an embalming tool by said hooded and face-painted weirdo (refreshingly, they don’t do much to disguise his identity). Of course Steve just thinks his buddy ditched him, taking his van in the process but grows more concerned as his absence persists. Paxton is a little off and has the hots for Christie and Christie’s mom is fed up with her daughter’s paranoia, suspiciously apathetic to her husband’s passing. Of course, the deeper they dig, the more danger they come into contact with. Roller rink shenanigans, a disbelieving sheriff, Paxton’s prancing skills, Christopher George’s effortless ability to bring charm to his sleaze-ball characters (that may just be my love for the man), Lynda Day George just being there, séances, necrophilia and a menacing villain that actually manages to be creepy (think Bill Paxton [Spoiler! Fuck, sorry.] doing Captain Howdy cosplay) piece together a really enjoyable slasher-ish flick that gives you “the who” but makes you work a little for “the why”. God, I miss Bill Paxton.
The Monster That Challenged the World (1957) (USA)
⭐️⭐️⭐️
An earthquake and low levels of radioactivity births a gargantuan horror in the Salton Sea. A Naval research base located thereabouts begins to lose employees when an atomic-charged ancient ancestor of the water mollusk discovers humans to be quite tasty. The blood and water drained corpses of sailors and civilians throw scientists and soldiers for a loop but good old American bravery should save the day. There’s a bit of dark humor, a blossoming romance and enough bullshit science to fill the state of California. The monster is fantastic and a bit on the goofy side, which is fine by me. Nothing to really throw it above and beyond the best fifties monster flicks but a fun time nonetheless.
An earthquake and low levels of radioactivity births a gargantuan horror in the Salton Sea. A Naval research base located thereabouts begins to lose employees when an atomic-charged ancient ancestor of the water mollusk discovers humans to be quite tasty. The blood and water drained corpses of sailors and civilians throw scientists and soldiers for a loop but good old American bravery should save the day. There’s a bit of dark humor, a blossoming romance and enough bullshit science to fill the state of California. The monster is fantastic and a bit on the goofy side, which is fine by me. Nothing to really throw it above and beyond the best fifties monster flicks but a fun time nonetheless.
Return of the Witch (1952) (Finland)
aka The Witch
The body of a suspected witch is removed from her 300-year-old resting place in the bog where the locals put her by a team of archeologists. Proving that Finnish folk are just as stupid as everyone else, they ignore the fact that the local old coot was trying to re-bury the exhumed woman while speaking of a curse and the excited archaeologist than proceeds to pull a wooden stake out of the bog corpse’s chest. That’s a bad move in any part of the world. Heavy winds and odd accidents freak out the townsfolk and have them chattering about witches and being doomed. The local Baron doesn’t buy into it and thinks it’s all supernatural bullshit. The corpse is removed from the bog and placed in an old barn and the man of science gets to work on his research. Eventually, during an unseasonable thunderstorm, a raven-haired naked woman (1950’s BEWBS!) is found lying in the spot where the body was unearthed. The man of science is immediately convinced it’s the witch because I guess being rational has nothing to do with archaeology. He begins to calm down and think straight but the same can’t be said for the superstitious locals. All the men start acting a bit wild around this young lady. As soon as she wakes up she’s told by the Baron’s horny son (he’s horny because he has trouble finding a village girl his perverted father hasn’t had first) that she’s the witch and she seemingly takes to the claim and acts like a dope. There’s a bunch of focus on the archeologist, his wife/assistant Greta and an artist who has the hots for Greta and has no problem letting it be known constantly. After the beautiful black-haired (possible) witch Birgit shows up, the painter’s lust is given the chance to focus on Greta because the archaeologist begins fixating on Birgit but so does the painter which sucks for Greta. Birgit takes pleasure in driving the men insane and just really wants to get her freak on. Yeah, she’s attractive and all but she acts like a child with brain damage which is a major turnoff but not to the Finnish dudes, I guess. It’s like a horny comedy you’d see America shit out in the eighties just decades earlier but way tamer because of that. It holds merit as a rare Finnish horror (no matter how lite on horror it may be) film but still remains a little too scatterbrained for its own good. It brings slight folk horror, mixes it with some comedy, has the hallmarks of a minimal sex flick, focuses more-so on romance and unfortunately drowns in melodrama then gives you a big middle finger to close out everything.
⭐️⭐️
The body of a suspected witch is removed from her 300-year-old resting place in the bog where the locals put her by a team of archeologists. Proving that Finnish folk are just as stupid as everyone else, they ignore the fact that the local old coot was trying to re-bury the exhumed woman while speaking of a curse and the excited archaeologist than proceeds to pull a wooden stake out of the bog corpse’s chest. That’s a bad move in any part of the world. Heavy winds and odd accidents freak out the townsfolk and have them chattering about witches and being doomed. The local Baron doesn’t buy into it and thinks it’s all supernatural bullshit. The corpse is removed from the bog and placed in an old barn and the man of science gets to work on his research. Eventually, during an unseasonable thunderstorm, a raven-haired naked woman (1950’s BEWBS!) is found lying in the spot where the body was unearthed. The man of science is immediately convinced it’s the witch because I guess being rational has nothing to do with archaeology. He begins to calm down and think straight but the same can’t be said for the superstitious locals. All the men start acting a bit wild around this young lady. As soon as she wakes up she’s told by the Baron’s horny son (he’s horny because he has trouble finding a village girl his perverted father hasn’t had first) that she’s the witch and she seemingly takes to the claim and acts like a dope. There’s a bunch of focus on the archeologist, his wife/assistant Greta and an artist who has the hots for Greta and has no problem letting it be known constantly. After the beautiful black-haired (possible) witch Birgit shows up, the painter’s lust is given the chance to focus on Greta because the archaeologist begins fixating on Birgit but so does the painter which sucks for Greta. Birgit takes pleasure in driving the men insane and just really wants to get her freak on. Yeah, she’s attractive and all but she acts like a child with brain damage which is a major turnoff but not to the Finnish dudes, I guess. It’s like a horny comedy you’d see America shit out in the eighties just decades earlier but way tamer because of that. It holds merit as a rare Finnish horror (no matter how lite on horror it may be) film but still remains a little too scatterbrained for its own good. It brings slight folk horror, mixes it with some comedy, has the hallmarks of a minimal sex flick, focuses more-so on romance and unfortunately drowns in melodrama then gives you a big middle finger to close out everything.
Reportage November (2022) (Sweden)
⭐️⭐️
Four freelance journalists head out into the Swedish outback hoping to find some clues the police had missed following the mysterious death of a mother and the disappearance of her newborn daughter. Award-winning journalist Linn Söderqvist senses a great story somewhere deep in the wilderness and is more than happy to join the group on a quest for the truth but the answers they stumble upon are more than a little unsettling. The woman was found barely alive 12 days later, her skin dead and her nails and teeth falling out before eventually succumbing to whatever inhumane horrors she faced. Her husband lets the team know that the police quit searching well before every part of the forest was checked and there is talk of a cover-up. Group leader Ola is not being completely forthcoming with just how dangerous their trek might be or what’s going on with the company funding this trip. Their first night in, they learn Ola is keeping secrets and they also pick up some disturbing sounds on their audio equipment. They wake up the next morning to find their sound guy gone along with his equipment and their phones. Checking their steadicam, they watch him march off into the woods, tracking a noise he’s picked up. They go looking for a building supposedly in the middle of the woods so they can call for help but as night sets in, so does the panic. Adequate found footage thriller takes its time but unfortunately fails to successfully ratchet shit up once it plays its hand. Presented as a documentary built around the footage of the ill-fated expedition, it never feels like it’s striving to be anything more than a low-effort thriller tackling interesting ideas without much enthusiasm.
666: Beware the End is at Hand (2007) (Nigeria)
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Lousy Lucifer has sent his minions out into our realm to lead the holy folks of Nigeria into sin and it seems to be working. Pastor Lazarus (of the shouting street-sermon variety) notices the shit is hitting the fan and sets out to set things right and steer his people away from eternal damnation. A random woman gives birth to the Antichrist and 8 years later that little shit gets up to some sinful shenanigans while all this prayer is going on. Another mind-melter from the Nollywood neck of the abyss brings us an apocalypse on a budget that could not pay for a bus ride down the street. Lucifer is more akin to an 80’s WWF heel than anything close to threatening and it’s pretty damn great. Mumbled dialogue clashes with something that nobody would call “performance” and sinister tomfoolery is more laughable than anything. Digital and practical effects work would even have the brothers Polonia pissing their pants with laughter. An ankle sore gets licked by a prostitute (don’t worry, the prostitute is the only thing that comes off as authentic), a pregnant woman gets cut open for her baby (really, don’t worry. I think it was a beach ball concealed under a dress to bring the effect to life), green screen damnation awaits all sinners, the lamest homosexual hookup in film history plays out before our slack-jawed gaze and the evils of the world seen through Nigerian eyes leave a bad taste in one’s mouth. The sermonizing will beat you down and the whole thing is a butt-numbing endeavor but if you’ve watched these propaganda ventures before, you should know what to expect. A constant loop of nothing that is so beyond entertainment it somehow becomes entertaining… but definitely not for everyone. An abrupt ending sets up the sequel which you may want to take a break before watching.
Lousy Lucifer has sent his minions out into our realm to lead the holy folks of Nigeria into sin and it seems to be working. Pastor Lazarus (of the shouting street-sermon variety) notices the shit is hitting the fan and sets out to set things right and steer his people away from eternal damnation. A random woman gives birth to the Antichrist and 8 years later that little shit gets up to some sinful shenanigans while all this prayer is going on. Another mind-melter from the Nollywood neck of the abyss brings us an apocalypse on a budget that could not pay for a bus ride down the street. Lucifer is more akin to an 80’s WWF heel than anything close to threatening and it’s pretty damn great. Mumbled dialogue clashes with something that nobody would call “performance” and sinister tomfoolery is more laughable than anything. Digital and practical effects work would even have the brothers Polonia pissing their pants with laughter. An ankle sore gets licked by a prostitute (don’t worry, the prostitute is the only thing that comes off as authentic), a pregnant woman gets cut open for her baby (really, don’t worry. I think it was a beach ball concealed under a dress to bring the effect to life), green screen damnation awaits all sinners, the lamest homosexual hookup in film history plays out before our slack-jawed gaze and the evils of the world seen through Nigerian eyes leave a bad taste in one’s mouth. The sermonizing will beat you down and the whole thing is a butt-numbing endeavor but if you’ve watched these propaganda ventures before, you should know what to expect. A constant loop of nothing that is so beyond entertainment it somehow becomes entertaining… but definitely not for everyone. An abrupt ending sets up the sequel which you may want to take a break before watching.
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