Slaughter of the Vampires (1962) (Italy)

aka Curse of the Blood Ghouls 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A terrific pre-credits scene finds a vampire and his undead mate fleeing on foot from some pissed off townsfolk looking to avenge the death of some young women. The vampiress stumbles and is slain as the cowardly vampire leaves her behind. We then pick up things with a frantic carriage ride as the vampire shouts about making it to the castle before daybreak to his driver. I’m not sure how much time has passed but they arrive the castle, remove a coffin and the vampire is relieved to have made it in time. Within the castle, a newlywed couple (the stunning Louise (gorgeous Graziella Granata) and her nobleman husband Wolfgang) have cleaned things up and are hosting a party. The bloodsucker (who I think made his home in the wine cellar after the events of the opening and has been there for some time) wakes up and joins the party, taking an immediate shine to Louise (can’t blame him there). Louise feels strange upon seeing his Carnival-of-Souls-lookin’ ass and joins him for a dance. He puts the seduction gaze on her and gets to feeding. Louise’s health fails but she claims to be fine, her husband knows something is wrong and his doctor friend is stumped by her condition. Of course, it’s hard to get better when the parasitic vampire is paying you nightly visits. The caped creeper continues with his shenanigans and the man of science who calls Wolfgang his friend admits that he’s useless. He sends him to Vienna to find a man who may be better-suited to step in and save his wife’s life from whatever supernatural awfulness is plaguing her. He convinces the doctor to join him to help his wife but finds out she passed away in his absence. The body vanishes, the doctor assures Wolfgang they must find her and destroy her and the vampire starts prowling for more brides. It’s a lot like every vampire flick you’ve seen before the 80s shook things up but there is plenty of eye candy and some fine abuse of the theremin to add to the recommendation if you got a craving for some old school blood-sucking thrills.

The House of Secrets (1936) (USA)

⭐️1/2

An American arrives in London and discovers he’s the sole heir of his recently departed uncle, gaining a large estate and a goodly sum of money. He has to sign paperwork to state he will never let the place slip from his possession while he lives. He arrives at the property and is almost shot by some folks who should not be there. Turns out a detective and friend of our hero is also in London, looking into a Chicago bookkeeper’s murder. That’ll come in handy when our hero needs some help to get access to his land because the mysterious occupants on his property (nicknamed The Hawk’s Nest) seem to have the backing of the British government and Scotland Yard, not to mention a smoking hot blonde (Muriel Evans) he met on the boat trip across the pond included in their numbers. She even asks him to drop everything and let she and her father stay at the Hawk’s Nest for as long as they need to and to stay away until they leave. He’s fine with her hanging around but he doesn’t care for anyone telling him he can’t be where he rightfully should. There’s talk of ghosts, criminal shenanigans and a mysterious piece of parchment that may point to a hidden treasure. I enjoyed some of the comedy but I’ve been told many times that I’m an eighty-year-old man trapped in the body of an unhealthy forty-year-old man. Muriel Evans is very easy on the eyes and she thankfully gets a good amount of screen time. It’s mostly dull and lacks anything thrilling unless you find phone conversations and unanswered questions the pinnacle of excitement.

It Conquered the World (1956) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Roger Corman directs what could have been another humdrum alien monster flick if not for its lovably goofy beast and the power trio of Peter Graves, Beverly Garland and Lee Van Cleef. A Venutian alien has befriended an Earth scientist and has acquired his aid in a takeover. Physicist Van Cleef buys into the idea that the eradication of emotion will bring about an enlightened era on his planet and is happy to assist the cone-shaped crab creature from Venus. Power outages and fear get the population where they’re needed but his buddy Graves doesn’t buy into this alien crap and refuses to bend the knee. Also causing problems is Van Cleef’s hot wife Garland, who loves her husband but isn’t fond of his new “buddy”. There’s little mind controlling manta ray creatures the alien sends out and a young Dick Miller shows up as a soldier. It’s a cheapjack blast of the highest order.

The Whip Against Satan (1979) (Mexico)

aka Zorro vs. Satan 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Mexi-Madness is somewhat unleashed as a Zorro-adjacent hero arrives in a small village with a big Devil-themed problem. A satanic sect has set up shop in the village and the nearby volcano seems ready to burst. Fear and confusion grow within the superstitious villagers as local authorities attempt to keep some kind of civility in place. The local judge’s beautiful daughter, Aura, has been taught occultism by her caregiver Nana Rita. The head villager, Ramiro, has accused her of witchcraft thanks to his unreciprocated feelings and his gang of fear-influenced religious idiots are quickly becoming a mob. Into town comes Artemio the Great, a professor of the occult/gypsy fortune teller/snake oil salesman/whip-wielding superhero, looking for an acquaintance that we saw burned alive in the opening by some shirtless, goofy-mask-wearing demons on horseback. The Whip saves Aura from a lynching and then brings a battle to the mountain-dwelling gaggle of satanists as they prepare for the arrival of their dark lord. Satan shows up on a horse as a black goat-headed gloater to warn off the local priest and cause some fatal mischief. The Whip works fast to solve the mystery and unmask the satanists for their true motivations while also protecting Aura from Ramiro and his mob of fanatical idiots. Low on violence, this is still some matinee-style fun. There’s never any question of whether or not good will conquer evil and it’s way more basic than most of the insane loveliness that’s come from south of the border but it’s still pretty damn charming and odd enough to keep my interest.

Zombio (1999) (Brazil)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

That backyard magic shoots a heavy stream of charm into what could have been a slog even at its brisk forty five minute runtime. Luckily we're in the capable and slightly insane hands of Petter Baiestorf who I have a sneaking suspicion may be a Brazilian cousin of those brothers Polonia. Guts and blood splash across the screen and we even get some boobies, but that's not the only entertainment on hand. So grab a cold one, throw on your favorite bikini (you know, the one that shows off your cockroach tattoo) and shut that god damn brain off, you'll have no need for it here. A weekend getaway on a small and deserted island goes to shit right-quick for a horny young couple. For reasons unknown to me, a caped and masked hottie with a demon voice has raised a small army of the dead. Following the initial attack, the man is bit and the girlfriend has accidentally ingested zombie blood (there was a mishap with a beer). As the couple attempts survival, the bitten dude slowly slips into insanity as it seems the poisonous zombie saliva has gotten his dumbass high. The lady doesn't fare any better as she continuously vomits and gets sicker. So, yeah, this pleasure weekend ends up being as enjoyable as a two-night stay in Alabama. Also, a cross dressing psychopath shows up on the island with his blonde victim but (surprise surprise) this little subplot doesn't really go anywhere. Actually, this movie doesn't really go anywhere and I'm alright with that. There's some zombie on zombie violence and it comes to a close with the masked woman transforming into something akin to a villain Captain Planet would have taken on in a lesser episode. Everyone seems to be having a good time and the whole thing is dedicated to the memory of Lucio Fulci. I trek through a bunch of crap and after awhile it all begins to smell the same. SOV horror has a tendency to run together but there are a few filmmakers that bring a bit of something special to their zero-budget nightmares. That sliver of awesomeness is present and accounted for in Zombio. Goofiness and ripped out viscera seem to make a pleasant mix and like those aforementioned Polonia boys, nothing is being taken too serious. So if you're a trash fiend like myself, I can't recommend this one enough.

Pumpkin Eyes (2011) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Back on that W.A.V.E. shit and I feel like I’m sinking. The kind of gals you’d find in the personals section of a discount porno mag get naked and get killed as they act their little hearts out but drown in horrendous dialogue mixing with a general lack of talent. It’s W.A.V.E., you knew what was coming. A hit-woman tortures a naked woman (Debbie D) with a gun, shooting her in her legs and then delivering a kill shot to the left breast. She laughs, expresses her love for her job and then states “And now to collect my money.” At least we know her motivation. That night she dreams about cat fighting and being drowned in a pool. Nipples and more dialogue that only an alien writing speech for a human would come up with litters the screen. She’s visited by the echo-voiced ghost of her victim, seeking revenge. This leads to a bathtub drowning and more dumb dialogue but this time it has an echo effect attached to it. I’m impressed. Are you impressed? The hit-lady wakes up in the tub with no idea how she got there. She cries and towels off but leaves her clothes on. Ok. The ghost comes back and keeps on fucking her killer’s day up. Belt choking followed by waking up in confusion, face punching followed by waking up in confusion and finally the killer is attacked in the same way her victim was killed. A retired police officer shows up and narrates why he is there. I guess his investigation of a missing girl has opened a can of worms concerning murders and disappearances. Turns out the killer had a massive stroke and some guy in a pumpkin mask pops up to tell us this is her curse due to her awful deeds. The wet and naked woman wakes up in bed as dramatic and intense music plays. Like, something left on the cutting room floor for a Batman movie or something. She slowly rises and puts on a shirt… the music is still going. Some guy drinks coffee… the music is still going. The no-longer-nude woman talks to the coffee drinker who is upset he has to work because his coworker quit. The woman is not happy either. He’s sorry but he’s gotta work. The woman makes a phone call and sets up a meeting at a hotel with her lover… the dramatic music starts up while this is happening. She comes home to find her husband waiting for her, mighty upset that she was gone. Everyone’s sorry about being angry and not being around. He’s trying to get his ice cream stand going… that’s why he’s so fed up. You know where this is going right? Again, it’s W.A.V.E., you should have known better to expect much of anything. Repetition forms a harsh cycle of dream logic but not the kind of dreams where someone with a vibrant imagination brings insanity to life, the kind of dreams that a closeted 80-year-old conservative judge has to convince Jesus he doesn’t like having sex with men and still thinks the Old Testament is the law to live by. I don’t even know how long this was supposed to be but it felt like days. It’s W.A.V.E, I knew what I was getting into.

Curse of the Slasher Nurse (2017) (USA)

⭐️

A little girl kills her mama while making a horror film in her backyard, as her terrified friend films and then flees. Fifteen years later, the mom-killin’ gal escapes the shitty mental institution she’s been in and makes a beeline for her old friend. On top of art school nightmares, our heroine Aeron seems to be having hallucinations about being stalked by a creepy girl in white. The hallucinations become a reality when the crazy girl throws on a cool-ass mask and dresses up like a Hot Topic™ nurse. Aeron and her “friends” head out to a cabin for a weekend away and the slasher nurse is close behind. Mostly unlikable people get their asses murdered and two cops sloooooowly close in. Sunk by its rambling dialogue that aims for humor and populated with some really garbage characters, this is one slasher flick that drags in between kills... and those aren’t even much to write home about. I dig the slasher nurse look but that’s about all.