Party Night (2017) (USA)

⭐️1/2

Three couples ditch the official after-prom party and have their own celebration at the secluded lake house of one of their uncles. In between all the angsty teen dramatics, a large bohunk in a blank mask with a big-ass machete starts picking ‘em off. It’s your standard stalk and slash with the added bonus of completely unlikable protagonists. The kids stick around waiting for their friends to turn up, plenty of red stuff spills and the mystery behind a string a disappearances in the area is solved. A dull 70 minutes.

fuji_jukai.mov (2016) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A team doing a report on the disturbing amount of suicides that take place within a beautiful forest under the shadow of Mt. Fuji come across a discarded cellphone. The footage from said phone is edited together with eyewitness accounts to present a full length feature. Teenage Ami journeys out to the Aokigahara Forest, planning to take her own life. A truly gorgeous location to put an end to the unfathomable sadness that some people cannot escape from. Two other teenage girls, Mi-tan and Hinata, join her after she invites anyone who is curious to come and see her take her own life. The whole plan being for them to upload her final footage for her. Mi-tan seems a bit excited (and slightly insane) and Hinata has a real quiet sociopath vibe to her but I think Ami is just content she won’t be alone in her final moments. The three girls trek through the woods, getting to know each other and building a dynamic that just feels off. Well, obviously because all of them are there for pretty awful reasons on the awful reasons spectrum. The deeper they travel into the vast ocean of trees, the more things begin to feel off, besides the natural offness you would expect to find in a place so beautiful yet soaked in that much sadness. Eventually, the inevitability sinks in and something it begins to feel like there’s a purposefully obscure layer running just out of grip behind this trek in the woods. The discovery of a corpse destroys some confidence and curiosity takes a backseat to fear. It also causes the girls to flee from their path, which sucks when there’s so much woods to get lost in. Night falls, a village deep in the forest is stumbled across and the truth comes out. The main crux of the footage is shot on iPhone and it works pretty well, interviews with locals and people familiar with the location add a nice bit of backstory to things that our main characters couldn’t have offered up without feeling completely out of place. It builds a solid atmosphere to the slow-burning dread and hits a few disturbing notes… that livestream moment is a fucking cringe-inducing heart punch. The film offers up a lot more than expected at 84 minutes but it also drags as it lulls in some spots. Thankfully the setting is a major advantage and makes it a bit easier to look past a plot that can’t really fill the runtime and is plenty familiar. It also doesn’t fumble the ending which is a worry that comes along with all found footage and mockumentaries.

The Ascent (2019) (UK)

aka Black Ops/Stairs

⭐️⭐️

A special ops squad, going by the name of Hell’s Bastards, are sent into a war torn stretch of the world to retrieve some intel. Upon wiping out a camp of soldiers, the team discover a blonde woman chained up in one of their tents. She bites the finger off of one of the soldiers and then warns the team to “not go down.” The prisoner may be a civilian but the hardass team leader demands the termination of the woman. One of the soldiers begrudgingly follows the order. Enemy fire pins them down soon after, but after some killing and ignoring of war crimes, the team manage to make it to the extraction point and flee. Surviving the dangers of infiltrating a violent civil war, the unit is thrust into something worse when the group of soldiers return back to home base. A busted elevator forces them to take the stairs and they find themselves trapped on an endless stairwell where their past sins come to collect and a failure to move upward leads to death. Time stops working, reality crumbles and the soldiers start dropping as they march on to their final judgement under the realization that nothing makes any fucking sense anymore. That spooky prisoner they shot in the head seems to be the one haunting their elite asses and the connection is made pretty quickly to how they got placed in this awful situation… something their dickhead leader does not want to admit. With doorways leading back to their strike on the camp, they get it in their heads that if things play out differently, they may be able to escape their current predicament. Dwindling numbers in their ranks make it difficult but it sure beats wandering up a staircase forever. The cast is more than capable and the little-seen spirit design is fine if not a bit familiar but it runs way longer than it needs to and loses steam with way too much time left.

Zombies: The Beginning (2007) (Italy)

aka Zombie 2009/Island of the Living Dead 2 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

In May of 2007 the trash horror community lost a legend. Not as popular as Argento or as talented as Fulci, Bruno Mattei shuffled off this mortal coil without much fanfare. It's understandable, the man was lacking in many of the qualities respected filmmakers exhibit. He excelled at rush jobs and ripoffs. The majority of his career is filled with forehead-slapping failures and the kind of wonderful crap most low-budget movie makers wish they could harness. But Mattei kept at it and the trash gods blessed him with a gift. As a lover of garbage cinema, I can't say that I enjoy any purveyor of crap more than Bruno Mattei (or any Italian filmmaker). Mattei passed away nearly half way through the year of 2007 but he had one last gift to share and it's only fitting that his final film would be a cheap-ass ripoff of the Hollywood blockbuster Aliens. Picking up where 2006's Island of the Living Dead left off, lone survivor Sharon (Yvette Yzon and just forget about her being a red-eyed vampire and treasure hunter) is found floating on what remains of her blown up salvage ship. After a brief recovery in the hospital, she is forced to answer for the millions of dollars lost in the explosion of the ship and materials aboard by the Tyler INC company. Needless to say, her story about an island of flesh-eating zombies is not being bought by anyone. She gets shit-canned and becomes a monk, hoping she'll find some inner peace and escape from her constant nightmares of her time on that awful island. Well, Tyler INC has other plans. A big-wig from the company tracks her down, looking for her assistance. Apparently they checked up on her story, found it to be true and transported some of the living dead to a research facility on a different island. Now, they've lost contact with their team and could use the help of someone who has dealt with the undead before just in case shit has hit the fan. Hesitant at first, Sharon decides to confront her fears and join the rescue mission. Faster than you can say "copyright infringement" her, the Tyler INC company man and a team of soldiers are off to the island. If you've seen Aliens, you know where this is going. Just replace xenomorphs with some shoddy and lumpy zombies and you've hit the nail on the head. But you must remember, this is a Bruno Mattei film so you're not just getting a by-the-numbers rip off. Instead you get mutant children, chest-bursting babies, a giant mutant baby with an eyeball on its head, a possible Sasquatch cameo and (in the pièce de résistance) instead of an alien queen we get an English speaking papier-mâché giant brain. It almost seems purposeful just how bad the film is but if that were so, I'd enjoy it a hell of a lot less. It's the reason I've never really enjoyed Troma films. It's different when the creators actually set out to fail. Charmless actors, low-budget SFX, the shocking use of the Game of Thrones theme and dialogue written by a brain damaged monkey (when its not being outright stolen) all litter the run time. There is nothing wrong with loving the masters of their craft and Italy had a shit-ton of experts. On the fringes of Italian cinema that rascal Mattei built himself a little home made of garbage and I'd much rather spend time there than anywhere else. Ciao Bruno.

Island of the Living Dead (2007) (Italy)

aka Island of the Dead/Island of the Living Dead 2006/Bruno Mattei’s Island of the Living Dead

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Uncle Bruno speaks to my garbage-lovin’ heart once again but not only does he offer up cheapjack adventure involving zombies and the lovely Yvette Yzon. No. That’s not good enough for Mattei… not by a long shot. He also throws in vampires and ghosts to his Philippines-shot disaster stew. Did this man just refuse to hold back? Treasure hunters get themselves stranded on an island where the usual awfulness that happens when the soldiers of Catholicism decide the local population is comprised of heathens went down a long time ago. We watch as conquistadors repeat the classic opening to Fulci’s Zombie (unfortunately there’s no boat that can leave now) while voodoo practicing villagers do their mumbo jumbo. There’s plenty of dead people being blessed until too many rise and manage to take out the conquering Spaniards. Footage from another film shows a fiery end to their habitation. Present day introduces us to our ragtag group of treasure hunting heroes as they celebrate the discovery of a large treasure chest. Unfortunately, the bottom collapses and all the gold pours out into the sea. Bummer. Beers and remorse follow but they can’t lick their wounds for long because a fog bank comes out of nowhere and the boat is wrecked. The fog lifts and they discover that they’ve ended up very close to an island that shouldn’t exist. Instead of radioing for help, Captain Kirk (come on now) makes the choice to hold off on asking for help. As disturbing visions of Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead begin to poison my mind and confusion plagues me as to why Bruno Mattei (as hungry to rip-off anything as he was) decided that this was the movie he wanted to get his twisted hands on. I respect it but it still horrifies me. Anyways, one dope stays behind to work on the boat while the rest of the team wanders around the island, gazing upon destruction and cemeteries. A zombie conquistador who does not look Spanish at all (maybe he liked the silly hat) watches on and then turns to the camera and hisses. Of course two split off from the group to investigate the crumbling graveyard straight out of Zombie and get to do their own spin on the cemetery scene from Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. It’s a fucking buffet of zombie flicks handled by a chef who shouldn’t be allowed to serve food. So, my kind of video heaven. The zombie attacks much like in Night but this time a tubby Filipino in an all purpose jersey and sandals manages to come in and bring the king-fu butt whooping to the living dead that was so sorely needed in Romero’s classic. The other group stumbles across spooky old tomes in an underground cave/torture chamber that should not be read by anyone, ever. So… they read the Latin text out loud even though it’s been well established the dead are already walking and eating. The mechanic goes first (well, the tubby dude actually dies by sacrificing himself but you find that out a little later) and the ship explodes because he presses the boat’s self destruct button which I guess is something boats have. With a blown up boat and a stolen lifeboat, the captain makes the bold choice to find refuge before night falls. That’s why he’s the captain. Night falls and they’re still wandering around, which leaves them out in the open when a horde of flesh eaters attack. Bullets get them out of the jam but they’re all just a few moments away from the next nightmare scenario. More searching leads to Grim Reaper statues that move and the retrieval of books that will clue in the team as to what went down on the island. In has to do with a Spanish galleon, a bunch of gold and the Bermuda Triangle. Uncle Bruno, you spoil us! A scene “borrowed” from Mattei’s own Hell of the Living Dead introduces a zombie priest, questionable wine drinking introduces a Spanish ghost, a Snoopy shirt is worn by a man named Snoopy, an actual cask of Amontillado is discovered, chained zombies litter a torch-lit hall, a dancing female vampire appears straight from her large portrait (Snoopy dances with her), this scene also involves an oddly effective bit where undead hands play a lute (the rest of the corpse is covered in shadow), a treasure is discovered with a growling and eye-patched zombie head inside (it becomes a regular skull after they close the lid and reopen it), Snoopy lets the team know the island is cursed which the rest of the gang inexplicably don’t believe, the eye splinter scene from Zombie happens (without the disgusting payoff), heads explode, people die, a ghost explains shit, a cobweb-covered countess is upset over stolen jewelry but takes the time to talk to a crew member and lay out the reason why the island is full of so much supernatural bullshit (cue more footage from a different movie!), skeletal monks appear (well, monks in skeleton masks that would make Jess Franco grin) and an escape plan is hatched well after most of our heroes have perished. There’s so much thrown at the audience that it’s easy to forget you’re just watching idiots walk around a spooky place, running into different shit and dying. There’s a main evil behind everything (revealed right before the elderly ghost/zombie countess is engulfed in flames) and it’s a vampire/zombie priest so that checks. The movie is a poorly plotted mess but it’s a poorly plotted mess from one of my favorite trash auteurs so I loved every silly minute. Love you Uncle Bruno, miss you all the time.

June 9 (2008) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A group of annoying teens (who end up being called the “Ohio Mills 5” so you know this doesn’t end well for them) film their dumb-fuckery over a few days in June. They head to the supposedly cursed town of Ohio Mills (nicknamed Hell Town) when they get clued in on a weed crop hidden away in a patch of woods. The ringleader becomes fascinated with the local legends and keeps bringing his friends back to do more and more dumb shit. The slow escalation of the heebie-jeebies eventually reaches a violent coda. Well done found footage flick has a believable main cast and enough eerie vibes to keep things interesting.

Huggin’ Molly (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Abbeville, AL is home to the titular legend and already this film earns my trust by shooting on location. Now, generations of children have been warned about the child-stalkin’ thing with a penchant for violent hugs and ear-piercing screams. It’s a good way to get your kids to rush home after dark and has also helped the place remain the only American town with a curfew. Searching for his missing twin sister (moving for her new job, happily pregnant and with her boyfriend driving her), Benny ends up in the small Alabama town and on a path to encountering some terrifying folklore. The opening footage of Sarah coming across something on the road lets us know there’s more than just legend to this nightmare entity. Benny records some footage of himself desperate to get in touch with his sister and then finding out she no-showed. He promises he’ll track her down. Following the last ping on her phone and discovering the area is ripe with disappearances and a conspiracy of silence by local authorities. A third character shoots introductory footage, introducing himself as Roberto, a Venezuelan at an Alabama university working on his senior thesis project for investigative journalism about the “other side of Abbeville”. Roberto shoots footage of his campus, the derelict areas of Abbeville and interviews students and locals. Benny talks his concerns over the disturbing occurrences in the area and explores the town that’s seen better days, talking to various townies who range from begrudgingly helpful to outright hostile. The discovery of an abandoned car in tough shape and a totem that looks straight out of someone’s Blair Witch nightmares has Roberto heading to a nearby diner (named after the local boogeywoman) and running into Benny who immediately recognizes that it’s his missing sister’s vehicle. So, our two heroes join up and dive headfirst into waters neither of them are prepared for. Local cops threaten jail time and revoking of student visas unless the duo drop it and get the hell away from digging into things. A helpful bartender points them towards a cabin in the woods where they may find some answers. They do find a video camera amongst the icky and unsettling garbage littering the crap-shack. On the camera is footage of a woman performing an occult ritual with splices of family video and a film student’s take on disturbing images. A blood moon eclipse approaches and something stalks the two curious and frightened young men. I’m a sucker for local folklore from the American South (you can blame plenty of youthful bonfires in Tennessee) and I’m also an unabashed found footage lover (trust me, I know it’s hurt me more than anything else) so Connor Flynn’s outing was right up my alley… the short runtime only sweetened the deal. Shaun Weiss (my hero from Heavyweights) gets a little cameo while our duo watch Internet footage about Huggin Molly, hearing various testimonials and watching hand-cam videos one usually finds on Nuke’s Top 5. So the runtime is filled out with different pieces of cinema which lessens the drag one usually finds in these things when you’re reliant on one man’s camera… we also don’t have to deal with the annoying cameraman we find in oh-so many of these first-person horrors. Granted, performances can be a little shaky but nothing offensive and idiotic choices are still getting made but if anyone in these things has survival instincts, we’d be in for one boring-ass time. It doesn’t exactly stick the landing but that just may be my preference for supernatural shenanigans unhampered by human maliciousness.