The Nights Will Never Be the Same, or Cocaine Fuels the Imagination: Baywatch Nights Part 1

  Season two of Baywatch Nights leaves a wave (ahem) of confusion in its wake (ahem ahem). But this is the kind of confusion I am deeply in love with. Baywatch, in its initial run, was a show about lifeguards and breasts. It was fine at being that. It also had David Hasselhoff. Knight Rider himself. Needless to say, Baywatch was pretty damn awesome. A few years before the crew moved from L.A. to Hawaii there was a spinoff. Baywatch Nights had a police character from the original show quitting the force to become a private detective. He convinces The Hoff to join him as well as Angie fuckin Harmon.They solved various cases a little too gritty for the standard Baywatch viewer. The simplicity ends at this point. Season two of Baywatch Nights is cocaine fueled brilliance. The kind of brilliance only found in the mind of a psychopath.

  It was 1997 and I was up late reading comic books. I had the television on for background noise. I remember seeing David Hasselhoff on the screen and thinking it was another episode of Baywatch. Not feeling the need to see bouncing breasts in slow motion, I went back to reading my comics. Then things got weird. There were vampires. This was Baywatch and The Hoff was going up against vampires. It wasn't till recently that I found out this wasn't a dream. After the first season of Baywatch Nights, the showrunners got an idea. A (I'm assuming) cocaine fueled idea about where they needed to take their show. Cop dramas were out, X-Files was in. Let's put the Baywatch universe up against the paranormal. Out of context this season makes no sense. In context it makes even less sense. How beautiful is that?

  Baywatch Nights is a little more Kolchak than X-Files. That's not a bad thing. Anything that conjures up memories of Darren McGavin will never make my shit list.

The nights will never be the same

  On top of the benefits of its ridiculous premise, Baywatch Nights is graced with one of television's greatest opening credits sequences. The shadow covered form of David Hasselhoff slowly struts through a fog bank as a spotlight shines down on him. A saxophone scores this journey, sounding like a chorus of drunk cats in heat. The smooth jazz score is infused with the power of three hundred pelvic thrusts. It's how I imagine the Sax Man from The Lost Boys sounds whilst making sweet sweet studded love.

Fuck yes I still believe!!

   Now that I have stopped watching the credits and playing air saxophone, I can get on with the meat of this cocaine fueled Hasselhoff stew (it tastes better than it sounds).

  Episode One: TERROR OF THE DEEP

  Right off the bat, The Hoff is shirtless and jumping from a boat to rescue a drowning woman. The man knows his audience. She slips into shock (and not just because she has had full on contact with The Hoff's slightly flabbening body) after screaming something about an ajogun. The Hoff, unfamiliar with the language of Malaysia, thinks nothing of it and goes on with his heroic speed boat patrol. 

   We join The Hoff enjoying some off time, reading a paper. It is at this moment we are introduced to Diamont Teague. Teague is our gateway to the supernatural. He's the believer that sends The Hoff out on these crazy missions. Recognizing the word ajogun, he explains to The Hoff what an ajogun is. I'll use his words to fill you in: "Every culture has one. A legendary creature which is the embodiment of all that is evil. The ajogun is from New Guinea. The fiercest creature from the fiercest culture on the planet." Sure. Whatever. He is the expert. He believes the woman is from a Malaysian freighter ship that sank three weeks ago. A freighter ship which had its last stop in New Guinea before sinking to the ocean floor. The Hoff scoffs at this idea but Teague makes mention of people surviving in air bubbles or something and The Hoff asks his buddy, Griff, if he would be interested in going for a little dive. Teague begins to add on a warning about the ajogun but is cut off by the Hoff. "I don't believe in the tooth fairy or the easter bunny. I'm not buying some New Guinea boogeyman off Catalina." Everybody knows the only good thing to come from Catalina is its fucking wine mixers. Being the hero he is, The Hoff is concerned there may be more survivors. Suck it, Teague.

 Trust him. He's an expert.

   The rest of the episode pretty much takes place within the sunken freighter. Angie Harmon is safe above water on earpiece comm with our boys. They, of course, get trapped when the ajogun attacks. It turns out "the fiercest creature" resembles a homeless man covered in seaweed...so look out for that.  Griff gets bitten and the coast guard gets called in for help. The coast guard (represented by stock footage) takes their sweet ass time coming to the rescue. This leaves The Hoff and Griff trying to figure out how to kill the damn thing. Fire doesn't work, poorly telegraphed hook impalement is a no go, and the usual cigarette and a couple bucks holds no sway. 

    Will our heroes make it out? Will we ever see Angie Harmon in a bikini? Is the ajogun, in fact, a PCP empowered homeless Malaysian man? Will Diamont Teague get his own spin off series where he uses street smarts to foil the nefarious plots carried out by The Hoff's evil, goateed doppleganger? The answer to all but one of these questions is a depressing: "no."

Consensual life saving?

   The promise of "Baywatch vs Monsters" is almost too good to not fail. The first episode does not reach its full potential. In its defense, it had to repilot the whole damn thing. Gone is the private detective character and the crime solving. The mysteries are now supernaturally influenced. New characters are introduced and madness is assured. There are twenty one more episodes in this second and final season. It has a chance to grow. And there is still a chance Angie Harmon will put on a bikini. See you all real soon.

   

10 Christopher Lee Films to Help You Through the Grief

We've Lost A King

   It's natural to feel down when you lose someone you've grown up with. Even if you had never met this person. Sir Christopher Lee has been a part of my life longer than most of my friends. Oddly enough, what I am left with is exactly what I had before he went on to the next adventure. Luckily, Sir Christopher Lee had a vast filmography. The man (now a legend) was in about three million films (don't look that up). So instead of moping around the house, unshaven, unwashed and gorging myself on cookies and cream ice cream, I can celebrate the man's life and career. You should as well. Here are 10 (Merits of Sin approved) films to help you through the grief.

HONORABLE MENTION: Raw Meat (1973)

   An excellent film about a cannibal  searching for food and love under London in the Tube tunnels. It has to be left off the list because Lee's role amounts to little more than a cameo. A fantastic mustachioed cameo but still a cameo.

Nothing Raw about that Flavor Saver

10. Howling II: ...Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

  A completely stupid movie in the best way possible. The unwanted sequel to the Howling picks up where the first one ended and then stumbles off a cliff into a sea of idiocy. A game Christopher Lee plays an immortal werewolf hunter attempting to take down the queen of the werewolves once and for all. Punk clubs, dwarf werewolf hunters, shitty laser effects, exploding eyeballs and Sybil Danning's breasts all have their place in this trash treat.

Lee + The 80s = Infinite Smiles

9. Horror of Dracula (1958)

  Christopher Lee's Dracula battles with Peter Cushing's Van Helsing in this Hammer classic. Lee plays Dracula as a preternatural creature that is half alpha predator and half sex appeal. It works. My first introduction to this film was from a VHS of vampire film trailers. There is a scene in the trailer for Horror of Dracula that shows Lee slowly ascending a staircase with an inhuman look on his face. His victim awaits him frozen, unable to look away from the monster slowly making his way to her. This scene (at most ten seconds long) scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and has remained with me to this day.

The Transylvania Seal of Approval means it's OK to pee your pants

8.  Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

  Christopher Lee bookends the actual film but I'm throwing it on the list.  Lee claims he recorded his narration for something else and the footage was placed on the beginning and end of Meatcleaver Massacre without his knowledge. It doesn't matter, it adds to the film's nutso charm. Lee rambles on about witchcraft and the occult while sitting in, what I hope is, his actual study at home. I love his scenes because it feels like he is your favorite uncle who has had one too many stiff drinks. In his current state, he has decided it's time he educated his nephew on the wonders and mysteries of the occult. Random folklore and flat out lies are presented as fact but it doesn't matter because you love the man and would never tell him he is full of shit. That's a special relationship.

7.  Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991)

  Not a great movie by even my low standards but it is still worth seeing for Christopher Lee's supporting role as a doctor well versed in curse-ology. The 1950s Africa setting and pissed off machete wielding sea god make this different enough to get a passing grade. Lee's bearded doctor has quite a bit of screen time and a couple of monologues. It's a great example of Christopher Lee elevating a film with his presence.  Bring beer and friends.

6.  The Devil Rides Out (1968)

  A rare (at the time) heroic outing for our man Lee. He plays a master of the occult up against a satanic coven interested in recruiting as many people as they can. Charles Gray (of Rocky Horror Picture Show fame) is terrific as the villainous head of the coven. He and Lee have wonderful chemistry and enhance eachothers performances. Lee as a hero is always great to see.

Wait. You're the good guy?

5. Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

  My favorite of the Christopher Lee Dracula series breathes some new life into the worn out tale. Three respectable heads of the community run afoul of Dracula when they murder his loyal servant. Their search for excitement and debauchery puts them in the "deserving" victim role and Dracula's vengeance is something to behold. 

4.  The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

  Christopher Lee plays a Bond villain attempting to harness the power of the sun. If you need more than that, I feel sorry for you.

3.  Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (1965)

  An anthology horror film featuring Christopher Lee under attack from a rival's severed hand. It's as awesome as it sounds. The first horror film I actively seeked out. Well before the internet made it easier, I was rummaging through Mom and Pop video stores and mail order catalogues for this Amicus classic. Years of exploration got me nowhere and admitting defeat was on the horizon until my grandfather recorded it off of late night television. My quest at an end, I remember being worried if all the effort was going to be for nothing. I was foolish to think that. Peter cushing, Michael Gough (as the deceased owner of the murderous appendage) and Donald Sutherland  join Lee in making one of the greatest British horror films to ever warp my young mind.

2. The Mummy (1959)

  My favorite mummy movie (that's more impressive than you think) and my favorite Hammer film. Lee plays the doomed and lovestruck high priest of Princess Ananka. After betraying his pharaoh because of this love he is mummified alive and buried along with the princess. A team of archaeologists disturb his lady love's tomb and he goes on a vengeance fueled rampage. Why must archaeologists always ignore Egyptian curses? Lee's mummy is terrifying, towering over his victims and expressing the best silent rage I've ever viewed. See it, dammit!

1. Horror Express (1972)

  Lee and Cushing play rival anthropologists trying to survive your usual alien possessed caveman-mummy attack aboard the Trans-Siberian Express. Telly Savalas shows up as a violent Kossack and there are blank eyed zombies. Come on! How awesome does that sound? And it is awesome. It's brain meltingly awesome. Damn. I'm gonna miss this man.

I know what you're feeling, buddy

  

WWE Extreme Rules 2015: An Apology

It's the one night of the year WWE says screw it to PG-era hijinks and delivers PG style extremes.
It's EXTREME RULEZ 2015

                                                             IT'S EXTREME(ish)

First things first, I would like to apologize to the two people who read this blog. I attended a wedding this Saturday and pretty much drank as if prohibition was passing into a law on Sunday. Open bars and workless weekends make dangerous bedfellows. WWE, like most things that frequently hurt and disappoint you, is best enjoyed with the help of alcohol. I was unable to get my drank on due to the prior nights celebrations and my work schedule changing from nights to 5 A.M. starts. I also dozed off a couple times during the event, so this review does not reflect how I'll normally approach WWE events. To you two readers out there, I hope you find my stumbling this soon out of the starting gate charming and endearing.

                                                            maybe next time, fellas

All in all, this year's Extreme Rules was an average program. I'm a bit more forgiving this year because of Wrestlemania 31's complete awesomeness. What follows is a simple breakdown of the event and some random thoughts to go along with 'em.

Extreme Rules Kickoff Show...ummmm...kicked off with Bad News Barrett losing to Neville.

• Both these men are British and they both wear capes. I'm not saying they wrestle in capes (which is something I would like to see) but they wear them out to the ring. This leads me to believe that capes are in fashion all over England. The last wrestler I can remember wearing a cape was the craptastic "super hero" The Hurricane. This will not be the dumbest thing I write in this post
• The match was enjoyable enough. Barrett is on my short list of favorite performers and Neville is quickly high flying his way on to it. 
• This match came to be due to Daniel Bryan not being medically cleared to defend his Intercontinental Title against Barrett. Upon Bryan's return from a horrible neck injury he decided he was going to compete as if he didn't give a crap that one wrong move would send his decapitated head flying into the horrified hands of his adoring public. Seriously, I sometimes look away from the television when he is in a match for fear of witnessing his sudden death.

Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper

• At one point Jerry Lawler stated "anything you might find on the streets or alleys of Chicago" in context to the weapons each competitor could use. It would have been wonderful if instead of the ladders, Kendo sticks and chairs they started pulling out half eaten McDonald's, 20 oz soda bottles filled with disturbingly colored liquids and pigeons...giant, fearless pigeons.
• Ambrose and Harper just whipping pigeons at each other for ten minutes. Sign me up.
• Half way through the match, Harper jumped into a car and Ambrose jumped in after him. They drove off and disappeared into the city. Those crazy wrestlers and their understanding of the no count out clause in the Chicago Street Fight contract.
• They would eventually make it back to finish their match but I bet they had the Chicago experience before their return. Ate some food, almost murdered a dozen bike riders and complained about hipsters while secretly wishing they had that much money to spend on tight jeans and moustache wax.

There was a Kiss Me Arse match. It's when two nearly naked men grapple with each other and the winner of this grapple session is rewarded by receiving a smooch on the buttocks from the loser. It involved two guys I have a lot  respect for: Dolph Ziggler (who used to be an evil cheerleader) and Sheamus (who is basically an Irish viking villain I could see appearing in the pages of NFL SuperPro) Dolph Ziggler won and we all lost.

• After the match, Sheamus refused to kiss Ziggler's arse. Instead he punched him in the dick. This knocked out Ziggler (which is what dick punches do in the WWE) and allowed Sheamus to rub Dolph's face on his butt cheek. We used to pay upwards 60 bucks to order PPVs
• Here is what I would like to see happen: Dolph Ziggler becomes dangerously obsessed with getting Sheamus to kiss his ass. You start out rooting for him and laughing at his bizarre methods to trick the big Irishman into kissing his ass but then things become too bizarre. Ziggler turns into a dark version of The Booty Man (it's from WCW and just as stupid as it sounds) Ziggler's psychosis grows until Mr. Ass and Rikishi (both wrestlers with booty-centric personas) step in and tell him he is taking it too far. John Cena pulls him aside and says something like "America! Respect! America! Are you on grass? Don't want no man to kiss my ass! America." None of it helps. Ziggler finally tricks Sheamus by putting on a red wig, talking in a cartoonishly high Irish accent and convincing him he's Dolph's "hot" sister from the emerald isles and is really into butt kissing. With the dream now realized, Ziggler snaps back into reality and defeats Fake Diesel (see main event) for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. This will all take place over the course of five months.

The Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Tyson Kidd lost their titles to The New Day

• The New Day are a group of black dudes who were in a gospel choir and decided to team up in an attempt to win the WWE Tag Team Championship Titles. They then lost their faith in the Heavenly Father upon the realization that cheating gets them victories. None of this has actually been stated in the WWE but their writing for "non-white wrestlers" is lacking. 
• Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are two dudes who like to listen to music and one of them is a prick, married to (judging by her attire) a barbarian queen from an apocalyptic Mad Maxish future.
• This was the best match of the night. Yes, the gospel choir of cheaters going against the headphone dudes was the best match of the night. It's a mix a different wrestling styles and every damn one of them is going at it like their careers depend on how well they perform tonight.

United States Champion John Cena defeated Rusev in a Russian Chain Match

• A Russian Chain Match is a strap match but instead of a strap , get this, they use a Russian chain. I noticed no difference between a Russian chain and it's counterpart the American chain.
• I enjoy that WWE is doing the 1980s USA vs USSR thing but it is wearing out it's welcome. Especially since Cena can not be killed by contemporary weapons. I know complaining about a Cena victory is like complaining that the film CumBlast City had too many cumblasts in it but I really like the character of the unstoppable Russian menace. 
• This was the most neutered chain match I have ever seen...and have not seen many chain matches

Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella defeated Naomi with the help of her twin sister, Other Bella

• The match moved along at a quick pace. It was no classic but we have seen worse... much worse
• Naomi is a heel. She has boots that light up and she knocks people out with her butthole. I'm thinking her and Ziggler can become an item when he loses his mind to an ass kissing obsession

Roman Reigns defeated Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match

• This was a pleasant surprise. The two guys put on an enjoyable bout that saw many a table destroyed. I have no issue with Roman Reigns but I often dread a Big Show singles bout. I was expecting the worst but was happy to be proven wrong.
• I love Big Show being a giant a-hole and denying the Chicago crowd the table destruction it desperately wanted. He went out of his way to punch a table in half just to be like "no way Chicago! There will be no one going through tables today!" That's just great heel work.

Main Event: World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defeated Randy Orton in a Steel Cage Match. Also, Kane was there.

• This match was pretty meh. Which sucks because I'm a huge fan of Seth Rollins and Randy Orton is one of my favorite seasoned pros. It was just lacking that special something that makes watching WWE worth putting up with all the bullshit.
• There were some cool spots but I don't think they will ever match Wrestlemania's curb stomp fail of greatness.
• Also, the curb stomp has now been banned. Officially they have stated that their is too high a risk of concussion. Unofficially, I believe Vince McMahon finally figured out how to operate his Netflix account, watched American History X and was like: "UH OH!" Just a theory.
• So with every writer forgetting what year it is and deciding to push Kane into the main event picture, here is what I'd like to see happen: the camera sneaks around backstage and finds Kane standing with his back to us. He has long, greasy hair again and Michael Cole is shouting "IS THIS THE RETURN ON THE DEVIL'S FAVORITE DEMON?!?!" but then Kane turns around and instead of a mask he has on shades and is rocking a goatee. BOOM! Fake Diesel returns and defeats Seth Rollins in the main event of  Money in the Bank

Well, that was Extreme Rules 2015 and that's about all I got to say about that