⭐️⭐️⭐️
Brain dead vanity project from writer, director and lead actor Marco Antonio Andolfi. When his bejeweled cross is stolen from him, Marco desperately attempts to retrieve it. He has been cursed by a satanic sect who worship a Bigfoot-looking demon called Aborin and without his cross (given to him by his mother before she was murdered by Aborin) he turns into the shittiest looking werewolf in film history. Marco spends a chunk of the running time jumping around bare assed and murdering the seedy criminal underbelly responsible for the theft. Blissfully inept in every way.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Did you ever think that Robocop would have been a far better movie if it had idiotic villains, a quarter of the budget and instead of a heroic police officer it turned a pretty good tennis player (she did finish second) into its android hero after she's mortally injured by said idiots? If you have answered "yes" then you are invited to my birthday party and you'll also enjoy this dumb movie. The Cartel is a terrorist criminal syndicate which has begun spreading its cancer throughout Neo Tokyo. The neutered police force can't seem to do a damn thing and the Cartel just grows in power. A young scientist has been working on a top secret project which may be able to curb the growth of the evil syndicate. Unfortunately, said syndicate has caught wind of his secret project and set out to destroy his work. Even more unfortunate, he and his fiancée (tennis star Kaoru) stop by the lab when the Cartel drops in to cause some destruction. The Cartel's command team called Phantom make short work of the guards and lab technicians. One overacting psychopath attempts to rape Kaoru but some fighting allows her and her fiancé to flee. They don't get far when the Cartel's super powered psychic (ok) named Amadeus shows up and uses his telekinetic powers to stop them. This leads to an exploded laboratory and two missing bodies. Half a year passes and Neo Tokyo moves on. The laboratory explosion has been forgotten by the media and the police force but one cop who was friends with the engaged couple has refused to move on. This puts him in the sights of Phantom. He's attacked on his drunken stumble home and would have gotten his ass murdered if it wasn't for the timely appearance of some sort of.... lady battle cop! With a costume resembling what would happen if an arts & crafts enthusiast got his hands on a motocross uniform, lady battle cop saves the detective and almost takes out Phantom. Luckily for the shit-heels, Amadeus saves their asses again. Realizing they're going to need to up their game, Phantom gets their hands on a neutron radiation cannon (ok). Before we get to the climax we're shown just how Robocrap was born. It turns out the couple managed to make it to a secret lab before the main lab blew to high heaven. Realizing that she was not long for this world, Kaoru offered her body to her husband-to-be to complete his project. Successfully saving her in a removable robo-suit, he died soon after. Now she's out for revenge and ready to bring justice to the corrupted Neo Tokyo. Obvious backstabbing, an official Lady Battle Cop song and a final telekinesis-laced battle all set us up for a sequel which sadly never materialized. That's a damn shame. Idiocy is in every frame of this cheapjack rip-off but I'll be damned if I didn't have a blast. Shitty special effects and an inability on every characters part to make good decisions allows any dragging to zip by. There's also a super buff guy who uses the power of his mind to throw steel beams and I'm pretty sure the robot cop had a cheap-ass earring. Yeah. That's a big thumbs up.
