Night Evil Soul (1981) (Taiwan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Folks gotta stop dumping bodies in haunted lakes! A young girl is raped and murdered thanks to the richest man in town’s daughter being in love with her fiancé. He forces her and her father to leave their home and then sends out his goons to go be goon-ish. Just so happens the water where the wronged woman is dumped had been the final resting place for a cat-centric witch who terrorized the village 100 years prior. Now the kitty witch has a vessel for revenge and is about to come a-knocking for every asshole. Cat attacks from off screen, wire work and stuffed animal stand-ins make for an interesting time. There’s plenty of despicable humans to root against and the ghostly witch with claws is an excellent bit of nightmare fuel.

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955) (USA/Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Bomb tests in the Pacific Ocean have created a giant radioactive octopus and now said creature is causing problems for the U.S. Navy. If Uncle Sam hates anything, it’s something fucking around with his interests. Naval commander Pete Matthews has an encounter with the creature while working on a state-of-the-art atomic submarine and comes to the conclusion of what the mystery beast is after bringing in a couple prominent scientists. The Naval command does not believe them at first but the sinking of a ship by the colossal cephalopod forces them to come around to the identity of the threat. Just in time too, because that big-ass beast is hungry and has left its familiar feeding grounds to grab a meal in San Francisco. Pete and the scientists race against the clock to figure out how to stop the beast. It’s a bit too slow-going for its own good but manages to just be above average when it comes to these 50’s creature features. Plus, Ray Harryhausen provides the awesome creature effects and how the hell am I not gonna be in love with a giant fucking octopus attacking the Golden Gate Bridge? Kenneth Tobey is his usual leading man greatness and the stock footage is impressively utilized to add to the story.

The Rake (2011) (USA)

⭐️

As idiots are known to do, a trio of high school graduates wander out into the vast forests of Washington and are never seen again. One year later, mine excavators recover a camera and some answers come from the footage recovered but there’s also some troubling questions birthed from the last actions of the friends caught on camera. Ken, Eric and Logan are the right age to annoy the ever-livin’ fuck out of me and they get right to it after the opening text lets us know they are no longer living… at least we know there’s a happy ending. Why these three dopes are pulling a Survivor Man for a month can be blamed on youthful ignorance but these dudes are definitely ill-prepared for the excursion into the wilds. They probably wouldn’t have made it, even if the creature from Internet folklore wasn’t wandering around. The annoying cameraman is complimented by the annoying everyone else to create an excruciating experience that doesn’t even last an hour but feels like it’s at least the length of the Das Boot director’s cut. The incessant yammering of our cameraman poisons our ears in between stories that have some importance to the plot and I’m beginning to think that fifty minutes is not short enough. Unfortunately, the cameraman makes it through night one and discovers Logan is missing. Like a true professional, he starts freaking out and the two remaining idiots wander deeper into the woods. Something that makes high-pitched screaming noises starts stalking them and it needs to get its pasty ass around to putting these dinks out of my fucking misery. The threat is cool, the setting is cool but the characters are an endurance test.

Scorched Heat (1987) (Sweden)

aka Thriller 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The world is full of morons. I'd say the majority of meat walking this planet is a moron. Nitwits hooking up with twits and creating more morons. These little morons do stupid things and this stupidity usually comes back around to bite these young idjits in the ass. Even in lovely Sweden. Two Swedish children have had enough with their physically abusive teacher. They plan on playing a little joke on the bully of a man and sneak up to his house one late night in October. Tossing in some fireworks, their goofy fun blows up in their faces metaphorically by blowing up all over their professor literally. The asshole burns to death and the two prepubescent dinks scamper on off. Twenty tears pass and things are not copacetic. After the incident, Steve and his family left Sweden for the sunnier shores of America. Steve's had a pretty successful life as a record producer (?) in Dallas. His old buddy, Eric, has not been so fortunate. His mental health seems to be diminishing and he's convinced that the teacher they pretty much murdered all those years ago is haunting him. He writes a letter to the man he hasn't seen in two decades, and Steve gets worried that Eric may be close to confessing their murderiffic secret. Canceling his vacation with his wife, Linda, Steve plans on heading home. Linda is (rightfully) pissed that the plans have changed and demands to go along. He eventually caves and the couple are off to Sweden. They find Eric a drunken and paranoid mess. He attacks Steve at first but eventually calms down enough to tell Steve that the dead teacher is back and is using hallucinations to drive him insane. Steve doesn't believe him but he soon starts seeing things and has to come around to his old buddy's side of things. Poor Linda gets swept up in it too and the trio are terrorized by the charred skeletal ghost who talks with a echoey monster-voice. Linda gets the bright idea (thanks to a scary book she read) to destroy what remains of the dead man's house and get rid of his ghost forever. Sure. Why not? There's a lot going on while nothing fucking happens. It's a confusing mix that luckily fits well with the atmosphere the movie is going for. Robotic performances and nonsensical dialogue add to the fever dream burning your brain as you’re lulled to sleep by heavy Swedish accents. It's not just poorly performed roles that give you the cold sweats. A chubby police officer shows up looking for a burglar and then gets suspicious thanks to the obviously-hiding-something Eric. A gang of lame-ass hooligans that belong in a bottom of the barrel Italian Mad Max rip-off take our heroes prisoner for a brief moment and then disappear as quickly as they came. Possession, a car chase and a knife-wielding ventriloquist dummy pop in for a brief hello and then exit faster than an Irishman leaving a party. I'm confused and a little dumber for watching this but (as I am one of the aforementioned morons) can't hate this weirdo bit of Swedish garbage. Oh yeah. It's wrapped up by a cowboy-hat-wearing, eye-patched punk explaining to the fat cop what happened at the former home of the burnt professor. Wonderful.

The Mark of Dracula (1997) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A small nowhere town somewhere in America gets hit hard with the scourge of vampirism after a sultry vampiress (it’s Lucy… No. Not from the Peanuts comics, from Bram Stoker’s novel) sets up shop to use her master’s blood and a geneticist’s talent to clone Dracula back into existence. He ain’t that happy to be back but the hunger gets him on the prowl anyways. The town full of conspiracy nuts is convinced the genetics lab is causing vampirism and… yeah… they’re kinda right but they’re still assholes. Dracula tries to get the scientist to reverse his curse much to Lucy’s chagrin and a fat sheriff roams around, doddering into one bad situation after another. A group of hikers get lost on a trail and wake up in a stranger’s home, wondering how the hell they got there. They don’t seem that concerned and enjoy some breakfast before searching for their host. “Macho” Hank annoys and everyone else in the group of idiots fails to really leave any impression. They eventually meet their host… Mr. Vlad and succumb to his vampiric ways. I guess it’ll be up to our husky officer of the peace to save the day. Overacting, underacting, non-acting and acting that somehow combines all three makes it feel like you’re watching a Shakespeare in the Park production you stumbled upon after suffering head trauma and Randal Malone pops up as a rhyming town coroner to remind you that you are definitely trapped in a low-budget hell. Its heart is in right place and there’s enough likable aspects to keep you floating just above boredom.

The Patient in Room 18 (1938) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Following a nervous breakdown and a concerning amount of goofy behavior (sleepwalking hilarity ensues), special investigator Lance O’Leary (Patric Knowles whose handsome ass showed up in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man and The Wolf Man) is sent to the hospital to recuperate. Well, that’s not gonna be so simple as he gets caught up in a murder mystery with his nurse Sara (the lovely Ann Sheridan from Mystery House) who has a history with Lance and ain’t all that happy with him at the moment. But, personal issues are put to the side because a wealthy patient, who donated a fortune’s worth of radium to the hospital to treat his skin condition, has been slain and the radium has been taken. Sara and Lance can only trust each other because they were locked in the detective’s room together during the murder. There’s plenty of suspects thanks to more than a few motivations for mischief but I got a good feeling the quibbling duo of obvious lovebirds-to-be will be able to crack the case… just not before a few more bodies drop. There’s minimal enjoyment as comedy takes the forefront and the thrills are left to wander around aimlessly, wasting a semi-decent cast with a simple story that has some problems with its structure.

Mystery House (1938) (USA)

aka The Mystery of Hunting’s End

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Banker, Hubert Kingrey, has discovered someone in his business has forged company documents and stolen loads of money. Instead of reporting these findings to the government, the genius businessman invites his fellow company officers (including a very young William Hopper who would later star in The Deadly Mantis and 20 Million Miles to Earth and kind of looks like the crossbreed of Richard Gere and Leslie Nielsen) to a hunting lodge and proceeds to tell them what he’s come across after they deny him the opportunity to pull his business out of bankruptcy with all of their securities. To the surprise of absolutely nobody watching at home, he ends up shot to death. It’s made to look like a suicide but his daughter Gwen thinks that’s some real bullshit because unlike her father, she has a functioning brain. She seeks aid from her elderly aunt’s nurse, Sarah (knockout Ann Sheridan), and Sarah recommends bringing her detective boyfriend Bruce (Dick Purcell, who we have seen in King of the Zombies and Phantom Killer and also played Captain America in 1944 before dying of a heart attack at the age of 38) in on things. The detective isn’t initially convinced that there’s more here than a self-inflicted end thanks to the whole locked room setup but he’s travels to the hunting lodge after Gwen gets all the likely suspects gathered together. One of the guests supposedly commits suicide while out hunting and this causes quite a stir amongst everyone and then more bodies start dropping. Elderly Aunt Lucy keeps bitching that Gwen needs to mind her own business, everyone except the women and the detective act guilty as all hell and a barking dog seems to know more than anyone in the cast. The snowy setting comes with a nice and natural atmosphere while the simple mystery blueprint works just fine in the short runtime. It’s nothing special but the cast is pretty great and the dames sure are easy on the eyes.

Slaughter of the Vampires (1962) (Italy)

aka Curse of the Blood Ghouls 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A terrific pre-credits scene finds a vampire and his undead mate fleeing on foot from some pissed off townsfolk looking to avenge the death of some young women. The vampiress stumbles and is slain as the cowardly vampire leaves her behind. We then pick up things with a frantic carriage ride as the vampire shouts about making it to the castle before daybreak to his driver. I’m not sure how much time has passed but they arrive the castle, remove a coffin and the vampire is relieved to have made it in time. Within the castle, a newlywed couple (the stunning Louise (gorgeous Graziella Granata) and her nobleman husband Wolfgang) have cleaned things up and are hosting a party. The bloodsucker (who I think made his home in the wine cellar after the events of the opening and has been there for some time) wakes up and joins the party, taking an immediate shine to Louise (can’t blame him there). Louise feels strange upon seeing his Carnival-of-Souls-lookin’ ass and joins him for a dance. He puts the seduction gaze on her and gets to feeding. Louise’s health fails but she claims to be fine, her husband knows something is wrong and his doctor friend is stumped by her condition. Of course, it’s hard to get better when the parasitic vampire is paying you nightly visits. The caped creeper continues with his shenanigans and the man of science who calls Wolfgang his friend admits that he’s useless. He sends him to Vienna to find a man who may be better-suited to step in and save his wife’s life from whatever supernatural awfulness is plaguing her. He convinces the doctor to join him to help his wife but finds out she passed away in his absence. The body vanishes, the doctor assures Wolfgang they must find her and destroy her and the vampire starts prowling for more brides. It’s a lot like every vampire flick you’ve seen before the 80s shook things up but there is plenty of eye candy and some fine abuse of the theremin to add to the recommendation if you got a craving for some old school blood-sucking thrills.

The House of Secrets (1936) (USA)

⭐️1/2

An American arrives in London and discovers he’s the sole heir of his recently departed uncle, gaining a large estate and a goodly sum of money. He has to sign paperwork to state he will never let the place slip from his possession while he lives. He arrives at the property and is almost shot by some folks who should not be there. Turns out a detective and friend of our hero is also in London, looking into a Chicago bookkeeper’s murder. That’ll come in handy when our hero needs some help to get access to his land because the mysterious occupants on his property (nicknamed The Hawk’s Nest) seem to have the backing of the British government and Scotland Yard, not to mention a smoking hot blonde (Muriel Evans) he met on the boat trip across the pond included in their numbers. She even asks him to drop everything and let she and her father stay at the Hawk’s Nest for as long as they need to and to stay away until they leave. He’s fine with her hanging around but he doesn’t care for anyone telling him he can’t be where he rightfully should. There’s talk of ghosts, criminal shenanigans and a mysterious piece of parchment that may point to a hidden treasure. I enjoyed some of the comedy but I’ve been told many times that I’m an eighty-year-old man trapped in the body of an unhealthy forty-year-old man. Muriel Evans is very easy on the eyes and she thankfully gets a good amount of screen time. It’s mostly dull and lacks anything thrilling unless you find phone conversations and unanswered questions the pinnacle of excitement.

It Conquered the World (1956) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Roger Corman directs what could have been another humdrum alien monster flick if not for its lovably goofy beast and the power trio of Peter Graves, Beverly Garland and Lee Van Cleef. A Venutian alien has befriended an Earth scientist and has acquired his aid in a takeover. Physicist Van Cleef buys into the idea that the eradication of emotion will bring about an enlightened era on his planet and is happy to assist the cone-shaped crab creature from Venus. Power outages and fear get the population where they’re needed but his buddy Graves doesn’t buy into this alien crap and refuses to bend the knee. Also causing problems is Van Cleef’s hot wife Garland, who loves her husband but isn’t fond of his new “buddy”. There’s little mind controlling manta ray creatures the alien sends out and a young Dick Miller shows up as a soldier. It’s a cheapjack blast of the highest order.

The Whip Against Satan (1979) (Mexico)

aka Zorro vs. Satan 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Mexi-Madness is somewhat unleashed as a Zorro-adjacent hero arrives in a small village with a big Devil-themed problem. A satanic sect has set up shop in the village and the nearby volcano seems ready to burst. Fear and confusion grow within the superstitious villagers as local authorities attempt to keep some kind of civility in place. The local judge’s beautiful daughter, Aura, has been taught occultism by her caregiver Nana Rita. The head villager, Ramiro, has accused her of witchcraft thanks to his unreciprocated feelings and his gang of fear-influenced religious idiots are quickly becoming a mob. Into town comes Artemio the Great, a professor of the occult/gypsy fortune teller/snake oil salesman/whip-wielding superhero, looking for an acquaintance that we saw burned alive in the opening by some shirtless, goofy-mask-wearing demons on horseback. The Whip saves Aura from a lynching and then brings a battle to the mountain-dwelling gaggle of satanists as they prepare for the arrival of their dark lord. Satan shows up on a horse as a black goat-headed gloater to warn off the local priest and cause some fatal mischief. The Whip works fast to solve the mystery and unmask the satanists for their true motivations while also protecting Aura from Ramiro and his mob of fanatical idiots. Low on violence, this is still some matinee-style fun. There’s never any question of whether or not good will conquer evil and it’s way more basic than most of the insane loveliness that’s come from south of the border but it’s still pretty damn charming and odd enough to keep my interest.

Zombio (1999) (Brazil)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

That backyard magic shoots a heavy stream of charm into what could have been a slog even at its brisk forty five minute runtime. Luckily we're in the capable and slightly insane hands of Petter Baiestorf who I have a sneaking suspicion may be a Brazilian cousin of those brothers Polonia. Guts and blood splash across the screen and we even get some boobies, but that's not the only entertainment on hand. So grab a cold one, throw on your favorite bikini (you know, the one that shows off your cockroach tattoo) and shut that god damn brain off, you'll have no need for it here. A weekend getaway on a small and deserted island goes to shit right-quick for a horny young couple. For reasons unknown to me, a caped and masked hottie with a demon voice has raised a small army of the dead. Following the initial attack, the man is bit and the girlfriend has accidentally ingested zombie blood (there was a mishap with a beer). As the couple attempts survival, the bitten dude slowly slips into insanity as it seems the poisonous zombie saliva has gotten his dumbass high. The lady doesn't fare any better as she continuously vomits and gets sicker. So, yeah, this pleasure weekend ends up being as enjoyable as a two-night stay in Alabama. Also, a cross dressing psychopath shows up on the island with his blonde victim but (surprise surprise) this little subplot doesn't really go anywhere. Actually, this movie doesn't really go anywhere and I'm alright with that. There's some zombie on zombie violence and it comes to a close with the masked woman transforming into something akin to a villain Captain Planet would have taken on in a lesser episode. Everyone seems to be having a good time and the whole thing is dedicated to the memory of Lucio Fulci. I trek through a bunch of crap and after awhile it all begins to smell the same. SOV horror has a tendency to run together but there are a few filmmakers that bring a bit of something special to their zero-budget nightmares. That sliver of awesomeness is present and accounted for in Zombio. Goofiness and ripped out viscera seem to make a pleasant mix and like those aforementioned Polonia boys, nothing is being taken too serious. So if you're a trash fiend like myself, I can't recommend this one enough.

Pumpkin Eyes (2011) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Back on that W.A.V.E. shit and I feel like I’m sinking. The kind of gals you’d find in the personals section of a discount porno mag get naked and get killed as they act their little hearts out but drown in horrendous dialogue mixing with a general lack of talent. It’s W.A.V.E., you knew what was coming. A hit-woman tortures a naked woman (Debbie D) with a gun, shooting her in her legs and then delivering a kill shot to the left breast. She laughs, expresses her love for her job and then states “And now to collect my money.” At least we know her motivation. That night she dreams about cat fighting and being drowned in a pool. Nipples and more dialogue that only an alien writing speech for a human would come up with litters the screen. She’s visited by the echo-voiced ghost of her victim, seeking revenge. This leads to a bathtub drowning and more dumb dialogue but this time it has an echo effect attached to it. I’m impressed. Are you impressed? The hit-lady wakes up in the tub with no idea how she got there. She cries and towels off but leaves her clothes on. Ok. The ghost comes back and keeps on fucking her killer’s day up. Belt choking followed by waking up in confusion, face punching followed by waking up in confusion and finally the killer is attacked in the same way her victim was killed. A retired police officer shows up and narrates why he is there. I guess his investigation of a missing girl has opened a can of worms concerning murders and disappearances. Turns out the killer had a massive stroke and some guy in a pumpkin mask pops up to tell us this is her curse due to her awful deeds. The wet and naked woman wakes up in bed as dramatic and intense music plays. Like, something left on the cutting room floor for a Batman movie or something. She slowly rises and puts on a shirt… the music is still going. Some guy drinks coffee… the music is still going. The no-longer-nude woman talks to the coffee drinker who is upset he has to work because his coworker quit. The woman is not happy either. He’s sorry but he’s gotta work. The woman makes a phone call and sets up a meeting at a hotel with her lover… the dramatic music starts up while this is happening. She comes home to find her husband waiting for her, mighty upset that she was gone. Everyone’s sorry about being angry and not being around. He’s trying to get his ice cream stand going… that’s why he’s so fed up. You know where this is going right? Again, it’s W.A.V.E., you should have known better to expect much of anything. Repetition forms a harsh cycle of dream logic but not the kind of dreams where someone with a vibrant imagination brings insanity to life, the kind of dreams that a closeted 80-year-old conservative judge has to convince Jesus he doesn’t like having sex with men and still thinks the Old Testament is the law to live by. I don’t even know how long this was supposed to be but it felt like days. It’s W.A.V.E, I knew what I was getting into.

Curse of the Slasher Nurse (2017) (USA)

⭐️

A little girl kills her mama while making a horror film in her backyard, as her terrified friend films and then flees. Fifteen years later, the mom-killin’ gal escapes the shitty mental institution she’s been in and makes a beeline for her old friend. On top of art school nightmares, our heroine Aeron seems to be having hallucinations about being stalked by a creepy girl in white. The hallucinations become a reality when the crazy girl throws on a cool-ass mask and dresses up like a Hot Topic™ nurse. Aeron and her “friends” head out to a cabin for a weekend away and the slasher nurse is close behind. Mostly unlikable people get their asses murdered and two cops sloooooowly close in. Sunk by its rambling dialogue that aims for humor and populated with some really garbage characters, this is one slasher flick that drags in between kills... and those aren’t even much to write home about. I dig the slasher nurse look but that’s about all.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962) (Japan/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Classic monster bash finds Kong and Godzilla beating the shit out of each other in a fun and cheesy romp from the Shōwa era of Godzilla flicks. A pharmaceutical company is seeing dollar signs in the exploitation of a supposedly giant ape worshipped on the primitive island of Faro. They send over two men to get to the bottom of things and hopefully get their hands on the monster. Meanwhile, a U.N. submarine is monitoring strange readings from a radioactive iceberg in the Bering Sea. Guess who’s inside said glowing hunk of ice. That’s right! Godzilla is alive and well and now making a B-line towards Japan. Kong and the big green reptile share a destination and you better believe there is no room for cohabitation. Goofy fun takes Godzilla in a far lighter direction (they even made his roar a higher pitch) and opens the floodgates on many a monster kid memories. The human characters are fine and sometimes even likable but know to stay out of the limelight enough to make room for their giant costars. A helpful U.N. reporter holds the viewer’s hand and dumps so much info on ya, ya may go cross-eyed. It’s just a lighthearted good time.

Spirits (1990) (USA)

aka Haunting of Heron House 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Father Anthony Vicci (Erik fuckin’ Estrada) has lost his standing with the church thanks to succumbing to sin and getting his bang on with a woman. He joins a group of psychic investigators as they look into the hauntings at the infamous Heron house before it’s torn down. Robert Quarry heads the expedition as Doctor Dick Wicks (Richard if you’d like to remain civil) with a hand-selected small team. A bitchy psychologist, a lovely psychic (Brinke fuckin’ Stevens) and a historian flesh out the team looking to gain some proof of psychic phenomenon. The place’s disturbing history involves the building’s construction by a black magic practitioner who had a penchant for virgin sacrifice. He disappeared after offering up a politician’s daughter to his dark lord. The house was then the site of multiple family massacres and violent debauchery. Psychic Amy picks up on all of this, impressing Dr. Wicks and the historian but getting nothing but eye rolls from the psychiatrist. Claims of the house possessing the guilty parties have been debated but this debate will be settled for good once the evil within the walls starts to work its insidious magic. Father Vicci is seduced by a succubus in the form of a sexy nun (sultry Michelle Bauer… at least she doesn’t take off her habit) and is then seemingly challenged by whatever evil is haunting the Heron house. Vicci’s crisis of faith and the supernatural bullshit blowing up around him lead him to the Heron house to offer some assistance to the team (a little late in the game) and do battle with the demons calling the Heron house home. Ya see, that woman he broke his vows for all them years back was Mrs. Heron and shortly after she went nuts and slaughtered her family. So yeah, his guilt makes sense, even if it is hitting hard a decade after the fact. There’s plenty of investigating with little splashes of demonic terror and Erick Estrada looking all serious as he struggles with his sins. She may not be the best actress but I could watch Brinke Stevens read my freshman year poetry for hours on end. I’ve always loved the woman. Everything else is a bit lame and feels like it’s holding back from diving deep into its exploitative elements. It’s gets fun but spends a bunch of time circling around the drain when it could have embraced its own level of stupid and gone balls to the wall… even if it is on a budget. Still liked it more than I hated it and the rubber-masked monster that shows up at the climactic exorcism is running right on my frequency of garbage. WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS HALLOWEEN-STORE-ASS THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE RUNTIME?!

Evil Clutch (1988) (Italy)

aka Horror Queen/The Forest 1

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Ridiculous Italian nonsense plays out like someone’s faded memory of an inebriated viewing of Evil Dead that they got mixed up with a horrific wet dream. A young vacationing couple get their stupid asses lost in the Alps in the realm of a witch with a hairy monster arm up her vagina, waiting to strike. She forces herself into the lives of the lovebirds by jumping at their car, claiming she was attacked and because they’re not complete dickholes, they offer to drive her to the village. They come across a horror author on a motorcycle who speaks with a voice box. Upon seeing him, the hitchhiker runs off and the author fills the two out-of-towners in on the cursed and demonic history of the creepy village they’re walking through. He claims the supernatural evils of old are back thanks to everyone forgetting about them and the robot-voiced coot just may be onto something. An early victim pops back up as a pissed-off zombie and everyone acts like the dimmest of dimwits. They meet back up with the woman and she invites them to stay overnight at a house in the middle of the forest and because our heroes may not be dickholes but are still morons, they agree. Black slime to the face gets the boyfriend very sick, a POV demon cam stalks the area and there’s a malicious tree attack that leads to a decapitation and some ping pong eyeballs for our silly witch. Rocks sever hands and the acting comes off as almost otherworldly (that’ll happen when you get your Italian actors to perform in English) as we share the fever dream of a horror fan finally succumbing to dementia. Confusion doesn’t even begin to cover it but I sure as hell had a good time with this splattery spaghetti nightmare.

The Killer is Still Among Us (1986) (Italy)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A vicious killer, with a kink for slaying couples going to the bone zone in their cars, terrorizes an Italian city. A young criminologist is writing her thesis on the slayings and begins to suspect her new forensic pathologist boyfriend may be the psychopath. Her investigation leads her to a bar filled with peeping perverts, a seance, the office of a voyeuristic gynecologist and the inevitable confrontation with the murderer dubbed “The Monster”. The opening slaying sets one up to expect an especially mean-spirited flick with a nasty sexual edge but instead we get a runtime devoted to our somewhat likable heroine attempting to figure out which suspect is the real deal. There’s enough sleaze sprinkled throughout to avoid catatonia and some splashes of unsettling violence (a particular murder of a camper stands out in its pubic-area disfigurement) slaps you back to attention. The ending is somehow both fitting and dumb as fuck. Give it a whirl, you may enjoy this Italian killer thriller.

The Gravedancers (2006) (USA)

aka Detention

⭐️⭐️1/2

Listen kids, I don’t care if you’re Wentworth Miller himself, ya should never get drunk and break into a cemetery. It doesn’t end well. Especially if you’re tying one on after burying a friend. And even more so if you decide to read an incantation left on the dead friend’s grave. And especially if you go and dance on some graves. That’s where our trio of heroes run into trouble. The mixture of desecration and incantation fucks everyone’s day up. Now, the ghost of a child pyromaniac, a female piano teacher who moonlighted as an axe murderer and a sadistic rapist have each picked one of the dopes as a target. The former friends are together for the first time in a long while thanks to a funeral for a friend and grief is mixed with booze. They realize the supernatural shit has hit the spooky fan and seek help from a paranormal investigator to break the curse they put on themselves (He also set it up so they’d do this shit to their own stupid asses). Dominic Purcell puts his wife in danger and the haunting effects her and has her thinking she may be going crazy. She’s not. It’s a minor flick which plays it safe but does feature some weird lookin’ ghosts that fall on the uncanny valley side of horrifying. Dominic Purcell seems a little sleepy here but it’s Dominic Purcell so I am more than a little forgiving (as I will be to anyone who played a Flash villain) and Tchéky Karyo is the perfect level of somber as the paranormal investigator… and he gets a bunch more time in front of the camera than I was expecting. Just something you can throw on for background noise and get some moderate entertainment from when you turn your head away from whatever you’re working on. Everything is worth it for the last act involving an axe-wielding possessed corpse and a colossal digital ghost hand… but I’m an idiot, so you shouldn’t trust my judgment.

Deadly Still (2018) (Russia)

⭐️1/2

An antique camera can somehow predict the future, unfortunately when pointed at a human subject it leads to death. Why would someone invent this? Well, it’s the Russians so I’ll buy it. Said camera was pointed in the direction of its creator and that’s all he wrote and now years have passed and a group of incredibly unlikable young people are gathered to make their way to a party. They get in a (hilarious) collision with a moose (it’s why you shouldn’t take a group shot including the driver while fucking operating an automobile) on the way there and are forced to hold up in a nearby cabin. That’s where the camera is and a photo of the car accident is amongst a whole wall of disturbing pictures featuring death. This has everyone raising a quizzical eyebrow. One idiot thinks it’s got to be some kind of reality television thing but he also gets his photo taken and stumbles headfirst into a bear trap… JUST LIKE HIS PHOTO PREDICTED! At this point you would say “Ok, the annoying guy died but now we know not to take any pictures.” You would be correct but you’re not an idiot and there’s fifty minutes left in this thing. Convenient footage is left behind to help explain what’s going on to the gaggle of mentally challenged youths. Easily figuring out what’s going on does nothing to help, as apparently Russian youths are just as efficient at taking accidental photos as middle-aged men on Facebook are when it comes to “accidentally” sending dick pics to attractive women. There’s a half-assed twist towards the end which leads directly into a half-assed climax. The dubbing makes everyone sound like they suffered severe brain damage before making it to the set (it’s also the only thing positive it has going for it) and the set pieces that you think would accompany the murder-camera plot leave a lot to be desired. I mean, here’s one of those deaths explained expertly by one of the group: “She ate a spider because she took a picture of herself.” And that actually tracks. So we get some laughs but not much else.

The Corpse Vanishes (1942) (USA)

aka The Case of the Missing Brides

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

“Shall I telephone for the ambulance?” “No. The undertaker. She’s dead.” Bummer, man. Young brides keep dropping dead on their wedding day and the bodies get scooped up by scumbags claiming to be from the mortuary. These cold ladies end up in the lab of Dr. Lorenz (Bela Lugosi, obviously) so he can extract gland fluid from the nubile corpses to assist in keeping his ancient wife alive. The wonders of science! Journalist Pat Hunter (wonderful Luana Walters) is hanging around because this is one juicy story and she doesn’t really have any decorum. She’s pretty damn excited when it’s revealed another cadaver of a recently departed young woman has been kidnapped… right from the wedding venue no less. The cops have no idea what the hell is going on and Alice Wentworth is determined to get her ass married even with all the nefariousness going down. A police presence is set up all around the wedding venue but it does little good as Alice collapses and is pronounced dead. Wonder if it has anything to do with the unique orchid delivered to the bride right before the ceremony was to begin? The orchid ends up in the hands of the journalist thanks to her shifty cameraman and she notices that after taking a whiff she begins to feel faint. While this is happening, Lugosi and his goon cause a distraction for the police escorting the body and make away with her corpse. Pat begins putting together the orchid connection and starts digging, even if her editor thinks she’s got nothing. It’s that kind of attitude that will allow Lugosi and his gang (thug, old lady, the old lady’s mentally challenged son Angel who is also a lover of the ladies and her other son Angelo Rossitto because every gang needs a dwarf so why not use the most famous one of the time) to go around causing young brides to appear dead so their fluids can be used to de-age his wife (the delightfully dangerous Elizabeth Russell). Pat manages to make her way to the professor’s home (he was once an orchid expert so he seems the best person to speak with about the rare flower she’s found) when she comes across Dr. Foster, who gives her a lift as he heads over to the Lorenz home. He and Lugosi are working together to figure out a cure for Countess Lorenz who has a bad case of “being a bitch” on top of whatever vague disorder is forcing her husband to steal bodies. Pat and Foster are stuck spending the night in the house thanks to a bad storm and Lorenz takes a liking to the reporter. Maybe… he does the same creepy hovering over her sleeping self that he does to Dr. Foster so maybe he’s just a creep. Pat gets stalked by Angel which leads to her not only discovering Lorenz and his wife sleep in coffins but also has her unearthing secret passages and the nefarious business going on in the hidden catacombs under the Lorenz home. She also witnesses Lugosi murder Angel who he and his wife agree has become a liability. Pat faints, wakes up in her bed and is assured she has dreamed up all of the horror from the night before. She knows this is bullshit and makes her way back to the city to keep working on her hunch. She lets Foster know her suspicions before jumping on the train. Her editor still thinks she’s nuts but Foster shows up at the office to add weight to the woman’s story. If only they could prove it. Looks like some scheming is in order and it’s going to involve a phony wedding and a trap. Of course, Lugosi is one clever fiend so he has a trap of his own set and this leaves Pat (newly engaged) in the grips of the mad man and his evil wife. Hypnotism, fast-talk, cameraman comedy, dames and a sinister duo of antagonists keep this one nice and comfortable for anyone who grew up on these public domain creakers. “Are you trying to tell me this Professor Lorenz is a hypnotist as well as a horticulturist?”

Triangle (2009) (UK/Australia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A young mother (Melissa George) joins a guy she likes (Michael Dorman, from the criminally underrated series Patriot) and some of his friends for a day at sea on his yacht. A freak electrical storm capsizes the boat and forces them to board an apparently abandoned ocean liner. Jess is experiencing some déjà vu and a sack-masked killer begins picking off the stranded group... and then things get weird. Saying anything else would be a disservice to anyone who has yet to come across this gem of a film. Director Christopher Smith (Creep, Black Death) handles himself well and the cast is up to the task. Maybe not the unheralded classic some folks make it out to be but an interesting ride nonetheless.

Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror (1968) (Spain/West Germany)

aka The Werewolf’s Mark/Hell’s Creatures/The Wolfman of Count Dracula/The Mark of the 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Waldemar Daninsky legacy begins (the lost Nights of the Werewolf remains elusive although many people believe it to be unfinished, if it ever existed at all) and Paul Naschy claws his way into the hearts of any monster kid worth his salt. Daninsky wishes to end his horrible hairy curse and reaches out to a German doctor and his smoke-show wife for help. Their expertise in the occult gives the nobleman the only bit of hope he’s felt in a while but the scientific duo are nefarious vampires and have their own plans for the cursed man. A couple Gypsies crashing at an abandoned castle trigger the curse with their grave-robbing greediness and end up torn to pieces for desecrating the graves on site. The locals blame the deaths on wolves and Daninsky joins in on the hunt for the dangerous creatures. He gets bit trying to be the hero and the transformation follows at the next full moon. Naschy falls for a super sexy redhead and his curse is gonna place her in the awkward position of being the standard tragic slice of lycanthropy lore… you know; “only true love can put an end to all the awfulness”. It’s a bit too disjointed for its own good and the Daninsky series would reach greater heights in just a few years but it’s still an essential piece of horror cinema and I could watch Paul Naschy do his thing until the inevitable AI apocalypse finally hits.

The Mummy Returns (2001) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

What you should never add to your film series: an annoying-ass kid who gets into trouble and gets your heroes into trouble thanks to his idiot hijinks. What you should add to your film series: The Rock as an ancient warlord who is gifted supernatural powers by Anubis and transforms into some weirdo scorpion-man-giant brought to life by shoddy cgi. But you don’t have to listen to me, I’m kind of an asshole. Rick and Evelyn O’Connel are still doing their daredevil archeology thing some eight years after the events of the excellent first film but now they’re married and have an annoying son running around and being a nuisance. Their most recent excursion is deep in a tomb containing some artifacts concerning the mythological Scorpion King who sold his soul to Anubis and lost his humanity. This leads to them discovering the Bracelet of Anubis and the map it contains which points to another “lost” location with a supposed treasure and more monsters. Imhotep is also back courtesy of some bad guys (one of them being the reincarnation of his dead lover) and he wants that damn bracelet so he can gain control of the Army of Anubis and take over the world. Their dopey son puts on the bracelet setting off a chain reaction which will bring the Scorpion King back in less than a week, the bad guys need the damn jewelry so the brat gets kidnapped (I would have just cut off the kid’s stupid arm and discarded his corpse in a London gutter), Evelyn is having vivid flashbacks to ancient Egypt coinciding with the Egyptian new year (never a good thing), Rick has a tattoo from his orphan days which marks him as an ancient protector (did that magically appear between this one and the original?) and Rachel Weisz somehow looks even better than she did in the first outing. Sexy Ardeth is back and smoldering, British Jonathan is also back and even more British somehow. We also get more screen time from Patricia Velasquez who excels at being a femme fatale. It’s cornier this time out but I don’t mind that at all because it fits the movie’s atmosphere anyways. Brendan Fraser is still his charming self and has great chemistry with everyone. Some of the magic is sadly gone (a lack of Kevin J O’Connor will do that), the effects are pretty iffy (outside of the Scorpion King himself who looks like something that you and your buddy Travis would laugh loudly at when it popped up in a Resident Evil knockoff for Sega Dreamcast… Citizen Wicked: Code Betty?) and that goddamn kid is all over the movie. Still, I enjoy it. There’s also little mummy monkeys and I’m not gonna hate anything with pissed off little mummy monkeys. We’d get Yetis in the next one but that’s about all I can remember.

The Widow (2020) (Russia)

⭐️⭐️

In a dense forest north of St. Petersburg, there’s three decades of missing people adding to the natural spooky vibes. Any corpse that has ever shown up has been buck naked, some showing signs of torture. We join a team of volunteers being followed around by a journalist as they train a new recruit. An emergency call comes through about a missing boy and the team enter the eerie woods to search for a missing teenager. There’s a local legend called the Lame Widow... due to a limp not because she’s a wet blanket, that’s supposedly behind the disappearances. While searching for the young boy they discover a bound woman, stripped of her clothes and out cold. They yank some thick mud out of her throat and when she comes to, she warns them that they ain’t getting out of the woods. They manage to make it back to their vehicle as night sets in but find the main road out blocked by fallen trees. Looking for an alternate route brings them deeper into dangerous terrain and an evil begins to envelop our doomed heroes. Shit gets worse and they learn the importance of listening to legends just a little too late to do any good. It’s kind of like a Russian Blair Witch Project that benefits from its breathtaking location filming and enough of a budget to actually show some onscreen gruesomeness but suffers from an air of familiarity and lack of disarming tension. Stick around and you’ll see some Russian butt-cheeks and at least one supernatural impalement but it ain’t really worth it in the end.

Death of a Vlogger (2019) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Spooky mockumentary follows a vlogger by the name of Graham who catches some paranormal shenanigans during a livestream. His friend Erin convinces him to do some investigating and they bring in a pompous YouTube ghost hunter to assist. Talking head interviews beef up the back story and piece together the factors behind the constant recordings. A debunking journalist sets her sights on proving that Graham and his friends are manipulating their audience. There’s a few well-placed twists along the way and the cast aces it in every role. Some nice jumps hit the sweet spot and the opening credits drop is friggin’ stellar. Great all around. I shan’t spoil anymore.

Godzilla Raids Again (1955) (Japan)

aka The Return of Godzilla/Gigantis the Fire Monster/Godzilla Counter Attack 

⭐️⭐️1/2

So-so follow up to TOHO’s groundbreaking original finds another Godzilla rumbling with an ankylosaur named Anguirus which was awoken by the same H-Bomb tests. Two pilots stumble upon the creatures locked in combat on a deserted island and immediately warn the authorities of the possible danger. Professor Yamane returns to tell everyone how screwed they are but offers a little hope with his idea to distract the big green badass with flares and lead him away from the city. It looks to be working but some fugitives and a police chase leads to a horrific car crash and a big explosion... guess who sees the light. The destruction of Osaka soon follows as Godzilla makes landfall and Anguirus arrives soon after to continue their beef. There’s some fun monster hijinks and a great jet attack finale but so much time is spent on human drama (which can’t hold a candle to the original’s downbeat script) that any forward momentum is sunk like a freighter ship in the vicinity of Godzilla.

Graduation Day (1981) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A teenage track runner drops dead from a heart attack after finishing a 30-second 200-meter race. Not long after, a killer rocking the unlikely combo of a sweat suit and fencing mask starts picking off the dead girl’s teammates. Suspects include but are not limited to the girl’s older sister Anne who has just arrived into town for her sibling’s graduation memorial, Coach George Michaels (heh) who is portrayed by Christopher George so I understand why the finger of blame is pointed his way, the creepy principal who is portrayed by Michael Pataki who is more suspicious than even Christopher George and the dead runner’s boyfriend Kevin who just looks like he’s up to something thanks to his budget Andy Robinson aura. Well, folks are gonna have to figure out the who and why because they’re dropping faster than the thigh-revealing track shorts of the horny, elderly teens. The gloved-hand of the killer marking their faces off with red lipstick. Lack of splatter is made up for by some butt-rock tunes, scummy dopes aplenty (the dead girl’s crabby and abusive stepfather is a cranky standout) and that early 80’s vibe you just can’t replicate. It’s a mostly minimal slasher flick saved by a wonderful cast of awful humans and a splendidly nuts closing act.

Dead Silence (2007) (USA)

aka The Doll/Shhhh.../Mary Shaw

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A little small town lore about a ventriloquist named Mary Shaw and her child-killing shenanigans sets the atmosphere for this flawed but unabashedly fun supernatural yarn from the team that birthed Saw. Local boy, Jamie Ashen, is forced to confront old demons after his wife is brutally murdered following the arrival of one of Shaw’s creepy-ass dummies to their apartment. He heads home for her funeral and, on top of dealing with a detective who likes him for the murder (a fuckin’ game Donnie Wahlberg) and the rocky relationship with his estranged father, he starts digging into the town’s twisted past... eventually encountering the evil spirit responsible for offing his wife. Seems Mary Shaw got her ass murdered after a heckling kid vanished and from that point on various town folk have been found posed for family photos with their tongues ripped out. Some creepy-ass scenes play out in all their spooky glory, the multi-tongued Mary Shaw is one hell of a cool phantom and Shaw’s waterlogged theater is a brilliant nightmare set piece. The lead is a bit flat and the muted colors bath everything in an annoying blue but it’s just minor issues in an otherwise enjoyable spook show.

Severance Mountain (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

There’s nastiness afoot deep in Adirondack Mountains and two former freinds with a shared loss may be running into it soon. Toby and Sarah are attempting to reconnect following the death of Toby’s girlfriend through camping (no, I don’t get it either) but something is off and Sarah picks up on the unsettling vibes. Toby leads them off trail because he’s one of those “ADVENTURE IS WHAT MATTERS!” dopes. A local police sergeant also has a bad feeling gnawing away at her and thinks there’s some horrible shit going down in the beautiful forest. Coming across a long-dead corpse and a disturbing collection of discarded shoes will shake anyone. Her superiors don’t think it’s any reason to close down the trails and believe she’s just blowing things out of proportion. The pre-credits let us know that some lunatic is definitely out there torturing and murdering people. The two dopes get on each other’s nerves immediately and the psychopath roaming the forest kills random folks and has unconvincing but hilarious flashbacks to past trauma. Not that it matters because the two campers resort to physical violence against each other within a day. In fact, Toby reveals he killed his girlfriend and starts hunting Sarah. Sarah gets stabbed and manages to escape right into the hunting grounds of the local serial killer. Let’s hope Sarge can save her in time as she begins to look into things and comes across an abandoned car with her green, mustachioed partner. Or not. I really don’t care if any of these idiots survive. Performances range somewhere from high school theater kids to an alien that thinks it knows what human emotion is thanks to soap opera reruns. That’s at least somewhat funny and enjoyable. There’s also awkward banter that is far removed from feeling natural. It’s mean-spirited, kind of boring and undeniably amateur. Having said that, some of the violence is my kind of backyard splatter and Jon Turner has a fucking blast as the mountain-dwelling psychopath, relishing every moment of screen time he is blessed with. If you can get past the self-seriousness it wears like a pretentious coat made of very wet dog hair, you’ll find the kind of homemade grunginess and inanity us SOV lovers get entranced by. Even if it’s only in spirit, as it’s way too professionally shot to hit the all-important style of those basement wonders. So, an SOV splatter flick without the analogue aesthetic… I’m somewhere in a limbo here where I can appreciate its value and even begrudgingly love it in secret but can’t really recommend it. Take that as you will. Then that closing song plays over the final scene. Ya know what? Fuck it. Its heart is in the right place, I’m taking it out to dinner.

Road Train (2010) (Australia)

aka Road Kill

⭐️⭐️

Camping in the Australian Outback is dangerous enough without violent Aussies and/or supernaturally evil semi trucks on steroids boosting up the danger factor. Unfortunate for a quartet of camping teenagers that they have such rotten luck. A semi (or road train as I guess the Aussies know them as) crashes into the driving kids (there’s a whole to-do involving egos and asshole behavior), leaving them injured but alive (driver Craig has a broken arm) and their car completely totaled. They head to the truck to find some help but discover it driverless, the missing driver (I think) opens fire on them and they decide they have no other choice but to jump in the truck and flee. They plan on driving the thing to the next town and getting the authorities involved. It’s a good plan but there is one hitch. That hitch is that this big-ass piece of machinery just so happens to be evil and able to possess the folks unfortunate enough to be around it. It causes them to detour into the middle of nowhere but unable to remember doing so and then, of course, refuses to start. Bitchy Liz gets even worse as shit hits the fan. Marcus lets his frustration increase his bad attitude. Craig acts like a dinner-theater-actor attempting to perform “off the deep end” and Nina, who is not part of the friend trio but brought along because she’s banging Craig, tries to figure out how to get them out of their current situation without being a complete asshole to the others. She’s the likable one. Her attempts at doing anything to help shows her that there is something very wrong with this vehicle. I don’t think trucks are supposed to be fueled by blood… but I’m not from Australia, so I’m not sure of the fuel situation there. As usual, we are left with one main question: “Why do attractive people congregate exclusively within groups that hate each other?” An evil automobile is my kind of entertainment, we just have the misfortune of being surrounded by unlikable dopes for the runtime. Piss is drunk, a less than impressive Cerberus cameos, piss is used as a defensive measure, Craig gets possessed, Marcus also gets possessed (but it’s way funnier than Craig) and what would have maybe made an enjoyable short film is stretched out to an ass-numbing length. Sophie Lowe (our hero Nina) is very likable and easy to root for which helps things along and the final act gets silly enough to force a grin on my stupid face. The film looks great, showing off a crisp eye towards the unfriendly environment and the truck is suitably monstrous working well to be a looming threat but unfortunately it doesn’t come to life and start killing morons… which is a huge oversight in my not-so-humble opinion.

Scarecrows (1988) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Commandos hijack a cargo plane and force the father and daughter pilot team to fly them to Mexico. One of the thieves try’s to take it all for himself and jumps from the plane with the 3.5 million dollar loot. His tossed grenade gets thrown out of the plane before any damage can be done, so his former partners go after him. The much larger problem is the patch of earth where he’s landed. It’s populated with creepy-ass scarecrows and they have one hell of a homicidal streak. Soon enough everyone is being picked off by the supernatural creeps, getting their limbs cut off and in some cases being gutted and stuffed with the stolen cash and straw. There’s no real explanation as to why these things are wandering around or why unexplainable oddness seems to be running rampant (the dead walk and talk, the scarecrows mimic the voices of victims) and the film benefits from the weirdness. Dragged down somewhat by the less than stellar acting and choppy structure, it still has enough going for it to make it recommended viewing.

Wild Beasts (1984) (Italy)

aka Savage Beasts

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I feel like any time I contaminate a water supply with PCP, I’m thoughtful enough to leave zoo animals out of the equation. Well, in Frankfurt, Germany they just aren’t as thoughtful as my humble self. Now, a whole lotta animals are tripping balls and they escape their confines to terrorize the nighttime streets. A zoo veterinarian (who looks like the unholy starving child of Magnum P.I. and John Oates), his journalist (she may be a scientist as well) girlfriend (oddly sexy genre staple Lorraine De Selle) and a consistently snacking police officer do all they can to quell the rampage before the city is left in shambles. Also, the city’s rat population is now homicidal… and that sucks for everyone… including the couple just having a public sexy time in a parked car. Big cats do plenty of damage to several poor saps and an elephant even bursts through a brick wall on its murderous path to freedom. The journalist (possibly scientist) has a real annoying daughter who is a latchkey kid but receives no sympathy from me and had me actively rooting for her demise. We get it. You’re cranky because your mom is never around. Shut up. We’ve seen animals run amuck plenty of times but this time a woman gets crushed by an elephant after her spouse is strangled by another elephant’s trunk. Horrendous dialogue muddies any message the film is trying to preach, which admittedly makes it so much better than it has any right being and then there’s a polar bear in a children’s ballet class, a Tiger loose in the subway during a blackout and drugged-up homicidal kids… God bless you, Italy.

Grandmother’s House (1988) (USA)

aka Grandma’s House

⭐️⭐️

With their mother long dead and following the tragic passing of their father, teenage Lynn and her little brother David go to live with their grandparents in a secluded patch of California. Grandpa is Len Lesser (Uncle Leo) so I already assume he’s up to no good. The first night in the house, David spies grandma and grandpa moving what looks like a wrapped corpse from their car into their cellar. Judging from the guitar grandma plans to gift to the children, the body is a hitchhiker we saw earlier in the film. David, lacking any mental capacity for survival, sneaks down into the basement and watches on in terror as grandpa gets ready to butcher the body of a young woman. Well, turns out it was all a nightmare… understandable considering the kid just lost his papa. Brinke Stevens (swoon) mysteriously watches on in secret, taking an interest in David. It’s the same woman David dreamed about ending up in his grandparents’ basement. She also vanishes almost supernaturally fast… so is she really there? Lynn catches the eye of some blockhead dope played by Michael Robinson who looks like Peter DeLuise if his parents were cousins. A dead body is found in a pond near the grandparents’ house and David’s friend lets him know that it’s not the first. When he actually discovers the corpse of Brinke Stevens stuffed in a cellar fridge, David begins to realize the depth of the awful situation he’s now in. But are his grandparents actually homicidal old people? Or is it all just a big misunderstanding? I mean, the corpse is very real… maybe. Well, everything gets turned on its head when it revealed the mysterious woman ain’t dead and she sure as shit ain’t no victim. It’s an okay movie that gets a much-needed adrenaline shot when the twist lands and it also gives us more Brinke Stevens so I ain’t complaining about it. There’s a fat sheriff and a couple rockets but outside of that, there ain’t much else.

Widow’s Point (2019) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

A publicity stunt backfires on a desperate author when his weekend stay at a haunted lighthouse blows up in his face. A ponytailed Craig Sheffer is the author and he’s filming his whole experience inside the legendary locale. The caretaker refuses to give him the keys to the actual lighthouse portion of the building but he’s not one to take “no” for an answer. We’re filled in on the haunted history of the place as Sheffer’s distinctive voice narrates over the tragedies visited upon the spot. Sure it’s Discovery Channel reenactment level but I’d be a bigger fan of more shows on that network if Mr. Sheffer was speaking over the local theater level performances. Ghosts run around in the background of shots and a phantom bride causes people to murder and kill themselves. His agent is happy he’s doing something to add some spice to his career and he’s joined by his familiar-looking and kinda cute publicist Rosa and his also familiar-lookin’ and maybe-cute-in-the-right-light tech guy Andre. Andre sets up the equipment and Rosa is over there to monitor the footage and help out where she can while the author locks himself in the lighthouse he’s somehow convinced the owner to open up for him. Technical issues bring Andre back and an old journal fills Sheffer in on some secret history and the horrible supernatural force calling the place home. Food rots, water gets salty, his publicist thinks the author is hoaxin’ it up, stairs become endless, Sheffer gets trapped and ghosts do whatever it is ghosts like to do inside creepy lighthouses. Sheffer throws down one hilarious freak out and shit gets Lovecraftian as the time runs out. It’s nothing special and features more than a couple rancid performances and filmmaking choices but like any brain-damaged lover of straight-to-VHS 90’s thrillers, I gotta soft spot for Craig Sheffer and am embarrassingly excited when his mug pops up in my endeavors. Based off of a moderately enjoyable short story from the father/son team of Richard and W.H. Chimzar. The “Complete Haunting” edition of the book features the short’s superior sequel.