⭐️⭐️
The best part of 1956’s The She Creature was its impressive monster costume. So naturally that’s the one thing we don’t get in this cheapjack remake because ain’t no way anyone behind this had that kind of money. A hypnotist successfully predicts death for folks and he’s able to do so by controlling a prehistoric sea monster that his assistant happened to be in a past life. With proper predictions proving his power, Dr. John Basso is looking to finally taste the fame and celebrity that only the best of stage hypnotists can achieve. The shoddy monster does away with the Carradine wannabe’s targets and the squarest band to ever play music at a beach resort performs. The beachfront resort owner laughs off Basso’s claims of a prehistoric beast taking lives but his daughter’s psychologist and psychic researching boyfriend (for the army?) has a far more open mind. On regular life, I would say being skeptical about the mesmerists claims of a killer monster is the smart course of action… but this is an American International production. A police lieutenant is snooping around and doing very little to prevent the deaths of others. Basso’s assistant hates his ass with good cause and it’s obviously going to end up costing the scumbag. There’s also money to be made in the success of Basso and this has the resort owner seeing dollar signs. He want’s his daughter’s husband-to-be to get in on the action with him but the man has morals. Long stretches of dialogue pollute the runtime as points of interest are left to be explained by folks that look like they belong in a black and white photo of the people who founded the company your dad worked at. Les Tremayne is wonderful hamming it up as the hypnotist with delusions of grandeur and the ability to sometimes be a real catty bitch. There’s a slight charm to it that smells like lukewarm Hamm’s and a rumpus room carpet stained with decades of cigarette smoke. That will only get you so far and if you’re even the slightest bit tired, you’ll probably nod off.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Mick Garris works from a Mick Garris script and has me worrying that this can only be about as good as you could expect from anything Mick Garris has done. It’s the fifth episode of the series he birthed and it stars Henry Thomas as a divorced, depressed and dieting Chicago food lab employee, working on artificial flavor development. After waking up with the taste of a very particular chocolate in his mouth, he realizes he has inexplicably become psychically connected to a beautiful stranger. This allows him to see what she sees, hear what she hears and feel what she feels. He manages to fall in love with the stranger but is shaken when violent images begin to creep into the psychic scenes he’s been receiving. Once the transmissions come to a sudden halt, he decides to track down the woman but there’s a reason for those violent flashes and it’s going to bite our well-meaning (naive) boy in his white pasty ass. Matt Frewer brings his usual solid work as our protagonist’s lovable lab partner and Henry Thomas could play likable/kinda-creepy sad sack in his sleep. If you had told me Mick Garris would be the “master” behind my favorite outing up to this point, I would have called you a fucking liar and laughed in your lovely face. Somehow, he gives the story plenty of breathing room and as much as it feels like a throwaway episode of Tales From the Crypt in its predictably, the top notch cast pulls it above the mundane and makes for one solid time with the right notes of dark humor. Hats off to ya, Mr. Garris.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Argento is up to bat in the fourth episode from the Masters of Horror series working from a short story by Bruce Jones which appeared in Creepy. Actor Steven Weber tackled the teleplay and stars as detective Frank Spivey. Parked for lunch with his partner, he’s put in the position to save the life of a hot-bodied but severely disfigured woman from the clutches of a seemingly psychopathic homeless man with a cleaver Sympathizing with the woman, Jenifer, he rescues her from the insane asylum where she’s been placed and brings her home. His wife ain’t all that happy about it (rightfully so) and his teenage son is his usual level of indifferent. Frank seems like a putz anyways. Frank’s lustful attraction to her has him slipping into obsession while Jenifer shows she has some disturbing urges. I mean, he watches on as his family leaves following Jenifer’s eating of the family cat. Everything goes to shit soon after when a neighborhood child gets eaten and Frank attempts to plot Jenifer’s kidnapping with the help of a shady carnival owner. The scheme doesn’t work and Frank’s sanity slips further into troublesome waters. Because he’s a dope with a deteriorating common sense, he journeys out to an isolated cabin with the dangerous woman to keep the public safe. Nudity and violence abound as Argento injects some sleazy life into the series with his outing about the ultimate dangers of being a scumbag and falling for the “butter face” from Hell. It’s dumb as fuck and handled with a somber seriousness that makes it feel more clueless than it actually is. The best this series has to offer so far but just barely and that’s not really saying much.
⭐️⭐️
Tobe Hooper works with a Richard Matheson short story turned teleplay by Matheson’s son. It’s the third episode in the already mediocre Masters of Horror series left in the hands of a filmmaker who had seemed to have lost his step. I had a whole lotta respect for the man but at this point things had taken a downturn. The flesh-rotting apocalypse has come and gone and society marches on. Peggy is a teenage girl with a dead little sister and an overprotective mom. Working at her mom’s diner has her meeting a couple of youthful bikers who ride around collecting blood. Love is in the air for Peggy and one of the bikers (Jonathan Tucker… so handsome for a boy) which has her mama’s warning bells going off. The teenager wants to see the world and the biker is ready to show her something exciting. It’s mostly drugs and a little place called The Doom Room is the destination. The Doom Room is the kind of club you’d see in a shitty The Crow knockoff and presided over by Robert Englund who is admittedly having a good time. Loud music, questionable booze, bare breasts and a whole lotta stank… a place I would have absolutely no desire to visit… even at the end of the world. Mr. Englund is making a big fuss over the titular event, something I guess bored weirdos are all about. It’s tazing zombies and it just so happens Peggy’s dead sister is one of them “dancers”. This is probably going to spiral out of control. Ryan McDonald (from the Dual Spires episode of Psych and looking like a knockoff Eddie from Rocky Horror) is having a grand old time playing Tucker’s psychotic partner and the always reliable Marilyn Norry is one convincingly determined mother. It’s a shocking good cast placed in a story that’s at least trying to do something interesting but it also has some issues when it comes to editing techniques and story direction. It also suffers from a severe case of obnoxiousness as the apocalypse brings out some truly idiotic tendencies. So, it’s better than I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting all that much.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
In a remote region of the Andes Mountains, the headless corpse of a woman puts a rural police officer on a bizarre journey into the unknown. Initially, the blame lands on the husband of Officer Cruz’s lover, who is dealing with some mental issues and was seen wandering the area. Following the murder of Francesca (said wife and lover) the disturbed man is rounded up but even as they throw him in the nuthouse, he claims that the “Monster” is responsible and talks about an assertive voice repeating the mantra “Murder me, monster.” A disturbing tooth is found in the skull of the first victim and Cruz slowly comes around to the crazy man’s story. The deeper Cruz begins to dig, the stranger and more threatening things get. Telepathy, motorbikes, slime, geometry and a horrific madness slowly unfurling like a well-fed snake all come into view and a journey into the mountains brings an end to all threads. Odd touches (Cruz’s dancing is a standout), interesting characters and an almost suffocating atmosphere born from brooding and inevitability make for an intriguing but somewhat meandering watch. The genitalia-themed nightmare creature shows itself in the climax and is suitably unsettling but also a little silly.
1/2
Paranormal enthusiast Carrie decides she wants to do her own investigation and convinces her bestie Vanessa to tag along with her. Vanessa does not share the same view of the unexplained and goes along with her buddy to prove her beliefs wrong… not in like a dick way, they’re just kinda ready to justify their own view. They wander around a supposedly haunted factory and something bad happens because this is the footage that gets found when they go missing. Immediately starting things off with nonsensical camera exploration accompanied by the heaviest of breathing this side of a hotdog eating competition at a local fair was a bold and stupid fucking choice. Following that with opening credits is a great way to completely annihilate any ability the viewer will have in buying into what you’re presenting as found footage. Rough start, team. Carrie incessantly tells us that she has a feeling that something is gonna happen in between the non-stop chatter as she lays out everything she’s doing and why she’s doing it when the wind isn’t giving us a break from the rambling. Vanessa incessantly lets us know she has a bad feeling about this and doesn’t want or get in any trouble for her best friend’s bullshit investigation. Carrie thinks she sees a security guard as they try to find a way in, which convinces Vanessa they need to bounce. After much deliberation, they decide to go back and find their way in… eventually… there’s still a bunch more chatter and a run in with the real estate agent for the building who warns them to leave the area. They do not listen and are now more intrigued and dedicated to getting into the factory. They also convince themselves there’s a massive conspiracy involving the building… why, I couldn’t tell you. We are treated to scenes we’ve already watched play out in between the opposite of thrilling spookiness going on inside the factory the girls eventually make their way into. We come full circle to the heavy breathing that opened the film and I can barely contain my anger. I did enjoy the black sheet bit at the end, wish there was more shit like that. Have you ever been stuck talking to someone you don’t really know about something you don’t really care about and you eventually come to the conclusion you don’t really like this person but are trapped for the next hour in a conversation you don’t want to be in with someone you have no interest in getting to know? Yeah. They caught that vibe on film.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
A small group of students, taking a college course in the psychology of fear, join their obviously insane professor at a private seminar in his home. This seminar is happening because the first day of class involved the teacher pulling a gun on some smartass jock and making him piss himself. Student Allison is having some vague psychic vibes and knows danger is in the cards. The teacher and students tell spooky stories to each other to help them dive into the mechanics of fear. The Old Dark House has a married couple breakdown outside an infamous seaside murder mansion and break in to find a phone to call for help. Wifey vanishes and the husband spooks himself as he searches for her. It doesn’t help that there seems to be an evil presence in the place, further ruining the man’s birthday celebrations. It may be a bit predictable but it’s still a whole lot of fun. A Night on the Town finds four underage girls lost and low on gas in the shady warehouse district of some city. They stop at an abandoned gas station and instead of help they come across a pervy derelict and his trio of vicious puppers. They manage to take out the creep but the dogs are a whole other can of worms. The fight for survival is on when the car breaks down and the girls must flee on foot. Lastly, the weakest of the tales involves an answering service employee (the awesome Marg Helgenberger) alone on her skeleton shift dealing with a psychopath in All Night Operator. The wraparound proves way more interesting than anything when the embarrassed jock shows up with an axe and revenge on his mind. The climax gets a bit wacky and Allison finds out why she had feelings of dread eating away at her. Solid anthology offers variety and an enjoyable wraparound segment. The stories are populated with likable characters (except for Amy but she dies so fuck her) and never overstay their welcome.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Stuart Gordon tackles Lovecraft again to lesser success in this second episode from the Masters of Horror series. A graduate student rents a room in an old boarding house which was once home to a 17th century witch. Well, that evil left an imprint and there’s still something malevolent working within the walls on a different plane. A persistent rat pesters his neighbor and her baby and the young man, Walter, plugs up the hole in which it gains entrance. His heroics help nothing as he suffers from nightmares and his elderly neighbor, who prays through the night, warns him about a witch and her familiar… a rat with a human face. Walter soon comes to believe the witch is working some sinister magic and he’s being positioned to take the life of his neighbor’s child. It’s alright but there’s only so much one can do with limited funds and time, especially when it comes to adapting Lovecraft. The familiar is a bit too silly to be uncanny, the witch a bit too lackluster to be frightening and the hero a bit too white bread to give a damn about. Female nudity in a Lovecraft adaptation makes me laugh because I can just picture that wacky woman-fearing racist scream to high-hell at the site of breasts and an impressive bare ass. The silly climax saves things from forgettability and who am I to complain about a fantastic caboose getting some screen time? Also, Jay Brazeau plays the landlord. It’s not his caboose.
⭐️⭐️1/2
First episode from the Masters of Horror series which saw a bunch of famous genre filmmakers tackle various works from famous genre writers to middling success. Here, Don Coscarelli of Phantasm fame works on a short story from Joe R. Lansdale and it comes off just as average as the inspiration. Listen, thanks to The Nightrunners, Lansdale will always be a national treasure but after creating something as quintessential as Nightrunners (and, in effect, the God of the Razor mythology), it’s a little difficult to hold anything else in comparison. Incident could probably be considered an excellent outing if it came from any other author. All I’m saying is, this is probably my fault in how I feel about this one. A woman is on the run from a recent awfulness (cue Ethan Embry as her abusive survivalist husband flashbacks) and ends up hitting a haphazardly parked car on a lonely stretch of mountain road. She attempts to find some help after waking from unconsciousness but comes across a giant backwoods maniac by the name of Moonface. The rest is cat-and-mouse shenanigans with a cameo from Angus Scrimm. Thanks to the things she’s learned in her past, Ellen is a bit tougher prey than ol’ ugly Moonface is used to but he’s still efficient at getting a kill. Bree Turner is at least good at her job and cute enough to keep rooting for (especially when she briefly gets to beat the shit out of a much larger human) but it’s still something we’ve already seen thousands of times and an odd choice as an introduction to a series.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Mayhem strikes Massachusetts when an escaped mental patient replaces his missing hand with a BBQ fork and goes on a budget-conscious rampage against the local elderly teenage population. Tommy’s car (Green Monster) is impressively decorated with baseball cards, more impressively a Massachusetts seven seems all about him. The local mental institution is populated with local theater nut jobs and a staff comprised of uncles and librarians. It’s also where the handless lunatic Mason Crane makes an easy escape by the fatal usage of a door and a clipboard. Did you know if one were to throw a clipboard hard enough it could penetrate the human skull? I did… but that’s only because I’ve seen this before. Uncles make for terrible security and their soft skulls are easily penetrated. Tommy takes his date out to a shit-shack in the woods and playfully chases her around while the escaped lunatic gets his hands (hand) on that previously mentioned utensil and murders a dog. What a dick. Tommy’s date is concerned about the wandering lunatic but her baseball-loving beau tells her there’s nothing to be concerned about. He’s the captain of the baseball team and knows some kind of karate. He’s wrong… there is definitely cause for concern. A game of graveyard hide and seek ends in fork death, a shit-shack neighbor mumbles his lines and runs off to die, a makeout session goes on forever (think of those chapped lips!) and we discover forty minutes is just a bit too long to spend on the exploits of Massachusetts teenagers and maniacs. Don’t get me wrong, it has its charms and the enthusiasm is there but it also feels like it took itself just a little too seriously for its own good. I hope the Green Monster went to the loveliest of automobile heavens when it died.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
At long last, the refrigerator shall have its day! That’s just too bad for a duo of obnoxious drunks who have had a get together in their Massachusetts apartment that ended in appliance abuse. The party seems like a gathering of uncles handpicked from every 1980s family photo album for being the uncliest of uncles. Of course, their women are along for the ride. Them uncles and the ladies they come home from the bar with are having a fine time shouting and flirting. These uncles have no respect for the machine keeping their beer cold and abuse the hell out of it at the slightest provocation. The lung cancer air quality and liver failure on the horizon proves to be of no concern for these hard-partying Busch addicts as the pissed off appliance claims their lives and limbs. The smoking fridge takes no prisoners, consuming these dopes and their ladies. The biggest tragedy is how many child support payments are voided by their deaths. A cat gets eaten (seen being pushed by hands that can’t quite stay off screen), a pasty ass is witnessed (the rare uncle butt variety), the fridge shoots fire (your effects budget at work) and fifteen minutes fly by because you’re watching someone’s home movie corrupted by another dimension overruled by kitchen appliances that have had enough. It’s exactly what it should be.
aka Heavy Metal/Shocking Heavy Metal
⭐️⭐️⭐️
The band Solid Gold (portrayed by the Swedish band Easy Action who started out as the duo Noice and eventually had a member leave to join the band Europe) head out to the mountains with a small film crew and some groupies to shoot a scene for their music video. Unfortunately their director likes the ambience an abandoned factory offers and starts shooting around it. The factory isn’t as abandoned as everyone believes. A few decades ago, a woman murdered her abusive drunk of a husband and fled with her kids into the mountains. Now, the deformed clan defend their home turf with murderous glee. An avalanche causes further complications, trapping the idiots in the area with very little communication thanks to the mountains. The bodies start dropping and a local helicopter pilot attempts to save the day. Snowbound slasher/backwoods hybrid doesn’t reinvent the wheel or anything but there are some memorable kills, some wretched acting and the cold setting provides a refreshing atmosphere.
aka Lair of the Beast
⭐️⭐️
Found footage finds some wieners hunting Mexico’s favorite goat-sucking creature, hoping to catch proof of the damn thing on camera. You know the subgenre, you know not to bet on any of these schmucks making it out alive. The quartet of Californians use a legendary journal (supposedly made out of actual chupacabra skin) to head out to the wild where an increase in cattle mutilations and other warning signs have them thinking they have a chance. The area is home to some kind of dark force which may or may not be the chupacabra which may or may not be into sodomy. Yes. It’s mentioned in passing. They’re warned off by a park ranger, claiming the area is closed due to some disturbing occurrences and dangerous conditions. They ignore it and proceed as planned. They come across a trio of younger folks looking for a missing friend, the ranger is also wandering around and some dude readily prepared for what’s going on shows up too. Chupacabra digestive juices can turn you into its vessel or something and the camera catches a few deaths with the creature conveniently just offscreen. There’s some fresh ideas and this could have been a blast if it allowed itself to let loose but it’s sunk by annoying and boring characters and a lack of excitement. It’s in more capable hands than most of the quick-release found footage garbage that leaks out of the genre’s ass but it’s still a missed opportunity… especially because we don’t get the chupacabra butt fucking anybody. I said what I said.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Pablo’s frustrations with finding the perfect woman leads him to rent out an entire bungalow-style hotel with a private beach included. Rest and relaxation does a man good but Pablo has some other kinks which are downright perverted. See, Pablo is a bit of a sadist and this is bad news for the women he’s keeping captive. His dream woman is of the defenseless variety and the man is just looking for an authentic submissive slave. Yeah. Pablo is a dick. We’re introduced to him looking out on the water, thinking about his perfect woman and reminiscing about a few years back when he was at the beach and able to live out his fantasies. If you’ve wondered why he is alone, we see how he attempts to pick up women. A lovely lady minding her own business is asked by Pablo is she wants to go out with him. Before she can answer, Pablo shows her a Polaroid of his dick. He’s that kind of winner. Shockingly, she rebuffs him. He decides to be less aggressive in his methods. For some reason, he reads that as kidnapping a woman at gunpoint and holding her captive. Pablo is pretty much every man who has to call himself an “alpha”. Sexual assault and rape aren’t far behind. His captive attempts to escape as Pablo rubs one out and Pablo accidentally beats her to death. Since he is the way he is, he has sex with her corpse multiple times. Luckily, he just talks about it and we don’t have to see it. He grabs himself another lovely lady and the cycle continues, even if the cops are beginning to poke around. Guilt also allows for nightmare visitations from the rotting corpses of his victims. But perverts gonna perv, and Pablo keeps on going. Things shift when he meets a woman who is more than willing to play his game and may be a bigger pervert than him. It shines a light on the fact that when confronted with what he wants, Pablo has no idea how to handle it. Thong bikinis, leashes, bare butts, beach masturbation, blowjobs, prayer, candles up the pooper and a growing body count fill out the downward spiral of deviance. Dialogue that defies reason “Her perfect body made my heart pump sperm instead of blood.” and humor that’s so dark you probably shouldn’t legally call it funny make for an interesting (for all the wrong reasons) experience. It all feels like some pervert got his hands on some cash and a camera and decided to bring his fantasies to life… he just wasn’t talented enough to make this more than a curio to the weirdest of trash film fans. Luckily, we found each other. Regardless, it goes on for way too long and could have used a heavy editing hand.
⭐️1/2
The cast and crew of a stage play are in serious trouble when a hunchbacked madman terrorizing the town sets his sights on them and begins picking them off with poison bullets. A couple reporters and their moronic photographer get lured into a trap after a forged note from the star of the show brings drama editor Jean Monroe to the theater during a rehearsal. She’s placed herself in hot water because she authored an article falsely claiming she came face to face with The Fiend and now the killer thinks she can identify him. The show’s author, Peter Fortune, is also an amateur sleuth and has assisted the police force in solving difficult crimes, so he makes his way over to lend a helping hand. Everyone ends up staying in the same hotel and one of the show’s actors by the name of Reardon gets caught in a lie. Following some minimal action and something that really wanted to be called comedy, Reardon is revealed to be the hunchbacked terror… or is he?!? Hard to point the finger at a dead man… which seems like a real dumbass move by our “intelligent” killer. It’s pretty obvious who is behind the nefarious deeds. You probably won’t care because it’s all a stuffy drag that never feels focused enough to be interesting. Usually with flicks of this vintage they have some charm to get me through, but this time out it was a chore from start to end.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vincent Price goes up against Robert Quarry, guaranteeing a large smile on my stupid face for the runtime, as Phibes returns at a predetermined moment some three years after his first reign of terror. Unfortunately his house has been demolished and the desperate Darrus Beiderbeck (Quarry, naturally) has managed to get his hands on the “Scrolls of Life”. Something the not-so-good doctor needs to find the Egyptian River of Life and resurrect his dead wife. Vulnavia joins him again, played by Valli Kemp this time out, and looking a lot better than you’d think following her acid bath from the prior outing. It doesn’t take long for Phibes to get his hands back on the papyrus and carry out his plan for his beloved’s resurrection. Beiderbeck and his crew proceed to Egypt and have to deal with some more delightfully ridiculous (and fatal) traps laid out by Phibes. Inspector Trout returns to be just as befuddled as last time as the silly deaths start up again and he anxiously comes to realize Phibes has returned. Caroline Munro reprises her uncredited role as the late Victoria Phibes and Peter Cushing cameos as the captain of the steamer all the parties take to Egypt. The sequel leans harder into camp humor but it doesn’t take much away from the enjoyment factor and Quarry is a nice addition to everything. It’s does meander somewhat and seems a bit too knowing for it’s own good but it’s still a hell of a fun time and I’m always thankful when Price is given the chance to chew some scenery… he also sings Over the Rainbow and that’s just wonderful. It’s a pity we never got the planned third outing.
⭐️⭐️
A government funded trauma study is focusing on subjects who were hit with sudden and life-altering trauma. Maddy O’Brien is one of these subjects and she has been tasked to film her day to day life with the help of a researcher from the program (Alice). We’re seeing this footage combined with some home video and unauthorized monitoring footage installed on Maddy’s personal devices thanks to a court order, although some material is still redacted. Maddy’s parents have left the house on vacation as the final stage of the study concerns the subject being on her own except for the researcher monitoring her and checking in daily. Maddy is researching some odd shit that may or may not have to do with whatever awfulness went down a year ago and Alice lets her dig even if her superiors aren’t happy about it. There’s stories of a fertility cult her parents were a part of to deepen the intrigue. Noises in the empty house begin to bother Maddy but she keeps looking into her past. Old family videos are found, there’s plenty of footage of nothing (and with this supposedly being edited down from 600 hours, I really can’t imagine how ass-numbing the cut footage was) and a demonically terrifying history behind the cult is revealed. A successfully disturbing collage of home video is found in the attic and it kind of just makes you regret they had to wait this long for any macabre thrills to come into play. Even at under an hour, it feels a bit too long. There’s effort thrown into the story and the small cast is fine but there’s a large chunk that just sort of ambles until the info dump falls and we get to the point.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Troubled pasts and impromptu séances go together like horny teens and abandoned campgrounds. I mean, it’s good for we the viewers but for the characters… bad times are ahead. Jo definitely has some trauma knocking around her past. We can see this from a freak out she has on her way to a graduation party with a small group of friends. “Friends” is a loose term as some of the derps don’t seem all that happy her sad-sack ass is there to kill the mood (judging by the bruises, she’s justified in her glums). She does have her supporters, so it’s not a complete wreck. After a discussion on paranormal party games, a séance/tarot (playing cards) and makeshift Ouija board thing happens and one more guest arrives but this one has some malevolent intent… more so than any of the somewhat moody high school seniors. They forget to say goodbye when they finish and as anyone who watches horror films knows, that’s a costly move. Presenting its teenage characters as humans with depth is a very refreshing move, sure they have their flaws but who the hell doesn’t… especially at that age. Even the pervert is at least believable in being a scumbag. Tension rises and attitudes shift as something unseen begins working its dark machinations while manipulating pre-existing issues amongst the group. The paranormal is really great at exposing secrets… and finding vessels… like, really good at moving on in to someone’s body. Violent retribution (hell, I cringed at one bit of disposable razor violence) follows as the unknown make its way through the group. The movie gets extra points for giving a shit about its characters and featuring a cat named Pooch. Even though the possession angle and friend group secrets has been played out many times by this point, it’s still put to use in a shockingly professional way and with far more effort than anyone who kicks around this decade’s output would expect. Predictable but still impressive. Even the ending that would usually come off as lazy makes sense.
⭐️1/2
An abandoned high school set to be demolished is visited by a teacher and four of his students for its historical value… but before we get to them, some young dope is hanging around pre-credits causing mischief and opening up a wall in the school’s cellar because he’s a little shit. Some mystical security guard warns him that the Devil is behind the locked basement door he just unearthed with his wanton destruction. The dipshit doesn’t listen to the guard’s warnings and insists on getting out whoever is behind the door causing a ruckus. He gets bludgeoned to death by the security guard before that’s possible. We join the group of dopes on their way to the school as the teacher lets them know that before it was a high school is was a processing center for slaves and was just as horrible for them as one would imagine it would be. Seems like a good enough reason for evil to be hidden away there. The teacher actually graduated and student-taught at the place before it closed down. A couple of the students are assholes and there is in-fighting amongst them. So, great. They wander around the dangerous building (rats, broken glass, general disarray) looking to salvage some historically important things and come across that concerned security guard. They split up to cover more ground and another warning is ignored about staying out of the basement. The lone female amongst the group is psychically drawn to a wall that she punches through and the key to that dangerous basement door is found. Because of idiocy, nothing is questioned and the spooky door is opened. Heavy winds, Raimi POV camera work and a concerned look on the guard’s face lets us know that bad times are ahead. A large man with digitally altered glowing red eyes is the evil from the basement and it’s less than thrilling to behold. The guard fills the teacher in on what’s going down and the body count slightly grows. There’s some silly violence and some effort thrown into the folklore and message behind what’s happening but it’s still a mostly mundane flick that only offers up a few notable bits.
aka The Curse of Dr. Phibes
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Vincent Price is at his hammy best as a hideously scarred monster of a man dishing out some of the most ridiculous vengeance ever seen on the screen to a batch of doctors that failed to save his wife’s (an uncredited Caroline Munro) life on the operating table. Along with his beautiful mute assistant, Vulnavia, Phibes hits the medical professionals with “interesting” spins of the biblical “Plagues of Egypt”. That wild synopsis doesn’t even scratch the surface of the insanely fun time. Price maniacally plays the organ, conducts a jazz band comprised of mechanical musicians (his Clocwork Wizards), speaks through a voice box, dances with his assistant and has a blast as the comical madman with vengeance on the brain. His supporting cast is excellent as well, although it’s completely Price’s show. Joseph Cotten is the main target of Phibes’ malicious machinations and Peter Jeffrey is the befuddled Inspector Trout trying to bring an end to the reign of lunatic terror plaguing the city. “Nine killed her! Nine shall die!” A kitschy classic of the highest order.
⭐️⭐️
Chris, his girlfriend and their recently single friend head to Europe with plans to meet up with his expatriate older brother Paul in Kiev. The idea is to hit up Moscow where Chris will propose to his lady love. Paul convinces the group to check out Pripyat (the city next to Chernobyl which housed all of the employees and their families and was immediately evacuated when the reactor blew) before heading to Moscow. With their ex-military guide and an adventurous couple, the small group makes their way to the long-abandoned city. A series of misfortunes leaves their guide torn apart, Chris severely injured and the group stuck in an eerie-as-fuck environment. Worse yet, outside of the rabid stray dogs, growing threat of radiation poisoning and wandering bears, something violent and intelligent is stalking the empty buildings of Pripyat. Fairly average horror flick is boosted by its completely chilling setting. Utilizing the tragic piece of history and the fallout from it works to the film’s atmosphere but it is still weighed down by a general vibe of familiarity. I don’t hate it, but it definitely feels like a wasted opportunity.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Youthful idiots decide the best way to end their night of hard-partying and clubbing is to contact the spirit world with a makeshift Ouija board. They get in touch with something which tells them it can tell the future and then spells out “ALL DIE” and names itself “DJINN” (uh oh). Thoroughly spooked, they break the connection early and they’re all pretty much fucked. The frenetic POV-camera-demon begins running through the group almost immediately. The group leaves the club one friend short thanks to a party-ending fall through the building skylight and one by one they go off to that great rave in the sky. It’s discovered one of the kids already has a past tied into the djinn and their landlord knows a whole lot more than anyone should. Well-acted and featuring a paranormal baddie ya don’t get too often, Long Time Dead is an above average early-aughts paranormal slasher. Plus we get Lukas Haas and Marsha Thomason, so I ain’t complaining.
aka Cry Blue Sky
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Reverend Will Smythe (unfortunately not a colonial version of the Chris-Rock-slappin’ musical genius behind such classic albums as Willennium and Big Willie Style) and his followers are chased out of town after the holy man is rightfully accused of adultery and polygamy. They flee into the wild, looking for a new home far away from the self-righteous townsfolk. One of the group, Leah, seems to be a bit touched in the head and harnessing some kind of strange psychic power. Marion, the cuckolded husband, comes back from his long stint in the wilderness and is filled in on all the juicy details of what his wife got into while he was gone, so he starts tracking the bunch. Reunited, he joins up with the group and helps them navigate the dangerous Shawnee territories. They find a patch of valley containing some dilapidated cabins which the native people avoid and decide it’s a good enough place as any to call home. Big mistake. The patch of land has dark energy brewing beneath it and is the territory of some kind of elemental evil. A small child is left at the outskirts of the new settlement and the reverend believes her to be a gift from the mysterious, almost spectral local tribe. Leah gets some bad vibes from the kid but Smythe won’t hear anything negative about her. It doesn’t take long for things to start getting strange and going bad. Super bizarre and incredibly intriguing, Eyes of Fire, is one hell of a surprising 80’s horror flick. Well-harnessed folklore and an atmosphere so thick you could use it as a blanket helps to craft a pleasantly savory serving of unsettling cinema. Faces in the earth, people in the trees, raining bones and an exploding child keep everything nice and weird.
⭐️1/2
A patch of Florida swampland holds significance for the local tribe as a sacred spot where criminals were placed to face judgment. This brings a batch of students, looking to complete their thesis on Native American folklore, to the area. As usual, there are things in this world beyond our modern day science and now this group of youthful “scholars” are up against a supernatural force that could give two shits if these dinks believe in it. Cue some crap digital effects and the sinister spirits of the dead! The locals get tight lipped when the group of archaeologists mention their destination, one big dude offers to take them if their hearts are pure and because they’re just some silly white folks, they assure him they will be fine. Decades earlier a bunch of folks came to a messy end and the place has been off limits since then. This is why their guide won’t take them all the way. He also helpfully warns them to leave before sundown. They don’t even get the chance to ignore that warning. Setting up at an abandoned campground, the gaggle of Caucasians go about their business of setting themselves up to be victims. There’s plenty of exploring of the area and then the most dick-headed of the team comes across old film canisters belonging to the ill-fated campers from the 70s. Conveniently located next to an old projector. The footage (none of which should have survived being unprotected in the Florida swamps for decades) is disturbing and unbelievably features he and his colleagues among the era-appropriate idiots. He decides not to share this with anyone. Sacred sticks are found, canoes are sunk, ghostly voices are heard and past sins are answered for. It takes forever for all of this to go anywhere and it’s not really worth the wait. The cast is capable at least, it looks fine when it’s not experimenting with Se7en edits and there’s some bloody ends for our awful “heroes”. Still, there’s not much here to sink your teeth into and it only kind of cuts loose with like ten minutes left in the runtime. Just watch Death Curse of Tartu is you need a Florida swampland horror film involving dumb white folks getting got by Native American magic.
⭐️
A little kid wanders around the woods and talks to himself about being a YouTube star. At a dilapidated house, he comes across a severed finger and excitedly decides to film it with his phone. He looks around the place and finds a digital camera. Watching it, we follow the journey of a reporter named Lisa Adams who is tracking down a missing person. Nobody wants to talk to her about the missing man except a young dude who lets her know that the last time Chris Wells was seen, he was heading towards the infamous Paul Pry Road. Arriving in the dark, she and her cameraman wander down the forested road and right to the old barn where that little kid found the camera and the severed finger. I don’t think I have to spell this out for ya. According to the chatter, Paul Pry was a serial killer who brought his victims to the abandoned farm. Why they decided to name a road after him is anyone’s guess. That’s city hall for ya. The duo find a human skull and freak out. This discovery has them planning to get out and call the police but when they come across a man tied up to a chair, they stop to help. It is the missing man but the rescue is short-lived when Paul Pry arrives. It doesn’t end well for the cameraman. The kid finds more severed limbs and decides he should probably go back home. We jump back to Chris Wells heading to a comedy show and getting stood up by his girl. If I was his girl, I would have stood up his annoying ass too. Chris picks up his buddy and they smoke some weed while acting like idiots. I guess he’s performing at the show. I feel really sorry for the audience. They drive on for what feels like forever and ad-lib for the benefit of nobody. A local weirdo points them in the direction of Paul Pry Road when they attempt to get some gas and even though it’s not showing up on the GPS, they head out that way. The local warns them about the dangerous Paul Pry (who, I remind you, has a road named after him) and they laugh it off. They follow a woman in distress who has no idea why she’s wandering around the area. She runs off from them and right into the arms of Paul Pry. Chris complains about trying to help this woman and Paul Pry comes for him and his buddy. I should mention that Paul Pry is wearing a cheap Leatherface mask. Not like a knockoff mask either, it’s definitely copyright infringement but I doubt anybody who would give a damn is watching this. The annoying dopes get bludgeoned and caught but unfortunately still find the time to ad-lib. This ends and we jump back to Lisa getting assigned the story. Why it’s built like this, I have no fucking clue but it’s admirable that it needlessly complicated its own pacing for the hell of it. It all eventually catches up to itself and broke-ass Leatherface gets to murder the minimal cast. I appreciate the build on a local legend, even if none of it makes much sense but all of this just feels like an idea that was thrown in the oven but removed before the temperature was even set.
1/2
Paranormal investigators tackle a Chicago apartment building with a sinister past. Legend has it that The Devil occupies the upstairs tenement… at least that’s what the emo-girl psychic says. Her pube-stached teammates take her word for it and get to investigating. Psychic girl has a vision in black and white of the former tenant. There’s knocks coming from a drain and some dope trying his damndest to look concerned. There’s also a whole bunch of establishing shots you’d find in a student film and also a sunbathing cat… that’s probably the best this movie will get. Continuous “artsy” camerawork annoys and the dopey renter sits around in silence and ponders. Tedious haunted house shenanigans attempt to relieve the tedious life of our flashback protagonist but outside of cat footage there ain’t much interest. Unless you’re really into people reading and staring off into the distance, you may tap out. The dope goes crazy in a spectacularly unconvincing manner, the film shifts to color and he has a vision of his own suicide with a pair of scissors. This makes him want to sell the house which I thought was an apartment and then we get black and white footage of traffic and walls. There’s also a drawn out shot of a lightbulb shot from below. We jump back in with the adventures of the amateur ghost hunters and get another psychic flashback. This one is about a woman named Beth who is renting the apartment that was supposedly a house. This too is in black and white because of the past or whatever. Beth also has cats although they are the same cats and seems to enjoy sitting around and pondering just as much as the prior tenant or homeowner or whatever he was. She finds a note on the ground from the dope and she looks concerned. I guess she knew the guy which explains the cats. The note warns her about going in the basement, the dangers of a wooden figure and tells her to get the hell out of the house which is not an apartment but really seems like one. Beth walks around in silence and stares at her reflection. She also stares out a window. Man, I wish I had this much time to do fucking nothing but I’m the idiot watching this so that’s on me. We get to watch Beth smoke a cigarette in real time and I swear those scissors are looking like a good way out of watching this. Beth doesn’t leave and ends up in the basement. She really sucks at following directions. The sound of bells drives her crazy or causes an asthma attack. Emo psychic picks up on one last idiot (lookin’ like a Temu MJF) who came to the apartment or house or whatever and the movie drags itself to the finish line. Fuck me. Thank god there were some cats in this. An ambling waste of time and one more reason to avoid this pretentious fucking city. Go stare out a window instead.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Professor Humberto “El Maestro” Valdez is fired from his Chicano Studies position at the local college. He deals with shitty students and shittier neighbors on a regular basis but the loss of his job gets him sent to a crappy shrink and that quack puts a knife in the hands of a man who is attempting to deny a possible violence growing inside of him. The only student that gives a damn gifts him with a death mask she crafted in her art class and racism greets the poor guy at every turn. Knife + Mask x Environment = Slasher Time! Luckily, all the victims are garbage humans (with a trio of murderous bigots being the worst of the bunch). There’s a sympathetic sheriff tracking the murders and a Cinco de Mayo party in the middle of the woods that can only end badly. It’s cheap, it’s crass and it fits comfortably with those late 80s and early 90s SOV films I love so much. Bonus points added for All Night Long segments that pop up at a few points during the film hosted by the super bubbly Stacy Monroe.
⭐️⭐️1/2
Hurricane Irma reveals that a park was built over an African burial ground and a sorority and fraternity see it as a good spot to send their pledges to do some excavation. We then join some podcast called Hotep TV where Dr. Bryant goes on about the darker history of America and the African ancestral roots of Florida… where the graveyard was discovered. Bryant is the professor who came up with the idea to send students over there to investigate the important historical find. If you drink every time the words “ancestor” or “dead” is said… congrats, you have liver failure. This bit goes on for a while but at least Dr. Bryant is taking the time to give all the exposition you need as to who all these college kids are and why they’re going to be in the cemetery after dark. There’s two fraternities (one of them a Hip Hop fraternity) and two sororities (one of them a lesbian sorority) taking part in things. He also talks about an African slave who fought as a wrestler while enslaved who is buried there. That’s probably important. His name was Baba the African King. He tells the story of Baba and we’re treated to illustrations of the action as the narration awkwardly rambles on. He wins his freedom but is then forced back into slavery and gets falsely accused of rape by his owner’s daughter and a house slave. So he gets hung by the white folks and cursed by his own people. This is definitely important. We meet our victims-to-be and the gaggle of pledges with paper bags over their heads are thrown in a moving truck and brought out to the middle of the woods. Their assignment is to chart the burial land and figure out the identity of everyone who was buried there. The pledge masters have some pranks in the works to freak out the pledges but a spirit arrives in a flurry of silly digital smoke and he’s painted up like a skeleton (with a bone costume and everything). But that low-budget bliss is put to the side so all our pledges can ramble on about why their future house is the best and why they’re pledging. They then tell scary stories and sometimes we are treated to more no-quality animation. I’m all for it. While they’re telling their minimally entertaining stories with the talent of a squirrel who just learned English, that skeleton guy is screaming to the heavens and forcing a girl to dig. She frees Baba eventually. Like, after a loooooooong period of time has passed. This is uh, this is something? I hope the girls of Alpha Sigma Sigma make it out of this. The MS Paint circa ‘98 illustrations gracing the run time had me double checking the release date and the performances are exactly what one should find in your backyard horror. This shit is charming to high hell but I have a soft spot for anything that was obviously made with promises and good intentions and I also may have brain damage. But as much as I’ll fall in love with something this bare bones, I cannot deny how boring this shit is. The girls of ASS obviously tell a story about big booties which sadly does not receive any animation and Baba takes fuckin’ forever to get going and get slayin’. Night-for-night shooting brings on squinting and wind-damaged audio allows your ears to join in on the sense-straining fun. Scenes drag on forever and I’m kinda certain the script was a couple scribbled notes on a legal pad that was found under an IKEA futon. The special effects budget couldn’t even buy a value meal at Arby’s but that didn’t stop the dreamers who brought this garbage to life. And don’t you worry your cute little tush, Dr. Bryant returns to needlessly wrap up everything. I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t enjoy this damn thing as much as I do. At least I recognize that fact… right?
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The daughter of a powerful underworld boss is kidnapped by a small group of wannabe criminals and they hold her in an isolated mansion while they wait for a fifty million dollar ransom to be paid. The little ballerina is more than just a dangerous man’s daughter, and the group of ill-prepared kidnappers soon find out that they are trapped with a miniature monster with a rather large appetite. Things get rocky almost immediately with some amateur missteps and the realization of whose daughter they have causes tension in the group. The underworld boss is sort of an urban legend amongst criminals and cops and there’s a trail of massacred corpses in his wake. After one of the group gets his head torn off, the team decide to just cut their losses and get the hell out. That’s when they discover they’re sealed in tight and they’re all fucked. After some mind games with the most sympathetic of the group, Abigail reveals what she is and starts taking down the kidnappers one by one. The cast makes this good time even better, with the wonderful Dan Stevens and Kevin Durand stealing the show. Melissa Barrera is solid as the sympathetic criminal tasked with being the sole criminal communicating with the supposedly innocent child but overshadowed by the supporting players at every turn… which isn’t really her fault because everyone else is just that good. William Catlett puts in a memorable turn as an ex-soldier and the most professional of the batch, Kathryn Newton giving her best performance to date as a bored hacker looking for kicks, Angus McCloud is suitably annoying as the getaway driver with a screw loose and Giancarlo Esposito as the mystery man funding the endeavor makes the most of his small role. The comedy works because it recognizes the ridiculousness of the situation and has a group of actors that can deliver and Alisha Weir is having a complete blast playing the monstrous child who proves increasingly hard to kill. Just a fun fucking movie that even has a decent amount of splatter to offer.
aka Slash
⭐️⭐️
Sorority initiation forces seven girls (and one sorority sister) to stay overnight in a creepy old house which was at one time a brothel. Spooky scares have been set up to freak out the pledges by the frat house boyfriends of the sorority sisters but things go from fun to terrifying when some spectral whores begin to show themselves. Steamy glimpses of the past get some folks horny but the appearance of a lunatic not happy with the trespassers proves to be fatal for some of the gals. Roberta Findlay is responsible for this bad boy so if the plot sounds like there’s enough going down to keep ya thrilled… manage those expectations. That’s not say she never unleashed anything entertaining, quite the opposite, but there’s a knack she has for focusing on tedium when it really shouldn’t be present. We open up things in the past while the brothel is still in operation and the son of one of the ladies of the night is called a pervert by a classmate. He runs to the brothel and takes a shotgun to his mother and her customer. Thirteen years pass and we meet the lovely ladies pledging Kappa Gamma and spend a little time with ‘em as they party. Horny, excited, bored and annoyed; the girls run the gamut of emotions. An extended sex scene drags on for a bit (Findlay strikes again) as the sorority head discusses the plans of setting up scares with her boyfriend. She’s worried about someone getting hurt but whatever-his-name-is assures her all will be fine. The dopes set up the jump scares the next day and at least one of them is convinced the place is actually haunted but the initiation goes on. There’s a scavenger hunt the girls have to take part in and the sorority sister shares the history of the building with them before sending them off to wander around the supposedly haunted dark halls. Two girls find a diary and it shines a light on the awfulness which shut the place down. There’s more boring glimpses into the past and plenty of scenes featuring women walking around in the dark, getting spooked by local church quality haunted house goofs. I was shocked to find that only twenty minutes had passed as I was expecting to be a little more than halfway through. Not a good sign, Roberta. It’s not any better when ya make it to the 45 minute mark as not much has happened unless you’re really into boring sex and minimal spectral shenanigans. About an hour in, someone with a hunting knife finally starts stalking the girls but there will be another lull for “sexy” supernatural flashbacks before anybody dies. I could not tell ya the name of any character in this movie and that’s never a good sign when it’s populated with cuties in mortal danger. No sympathy means no stakes and without those there ain’t too many thrills. The cross-dressing killer could have used more time to shine even if his killing techniques ain’t all that exciting but at least he’s bringing some pulse to things (especially in the truly disturbing murder of the sorority sister). It’s not a complete waste but it comes close. The video box art is the best thing about this one.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Jim Milton is a renowned paranormal investigator and has a history of capturing intriguing raw footage with his small crew (a cameraman). We have to believe this because the narrator tells us so in a silly sinister voice. He also lets us know that Jim Milton is making waves in his field. He’s looking into the mysterious death of a young woman who was found deceased next to an old record player. That Midwest mountain of a man, Jim Milton, gets to work attempting to help the deceased woman’s sister who has been experiencing the usual spooky sounds one finds in a house that may be haunted. Most concerning is the sound of the record player playing by itself, a record player that was removed from the property weeks ago. They actually find the damn thing during their investigation and the homeowner swears that it shouldn’t be there. A psychic shows up who has been tracking the paranormal activity and offers to show them what happened. This leads to a wonderful bit of analog terror as the psychic imprint makes it on camera. A standout scene that drops unexpectedly early on. The spooked sister decides to stay away from the house but gives Big Jim the keys to carry on with his investigation. More creepy imprints happen and concern grows as things get intense and several threads are pulled dragging the small team into sinister directions. A very interesting film that takes what could have been a boilerplate found footage paranormal flick and tweaks it into way more rewarding waters while being mindful to the minimal budget. Just think of some blue collar folks doing their damndest to tackle Ringu in spirit while doing their own thing in the cheapest subgenre of filmmaking... so it’s really giving the vibe of an American Kôji Shiraishi flick. If that sounded snotty, I didn’t meant it to… it’s this kind of enthusiasm I fucking love. Also, Jim Milton is my kind of lead, looking like a construction foreman who would take the crew out for beers after a successful day on the site.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
In the summer of 2023 something awful happened in the town of Larkin, TX. A survivor of the terrible events in the small Texas town has pieced together a documentary collecting footage and audio evidence that paints a picture of unprecedented horror. Lynn Page is called home by her brother’s pleading after he comes across a disturbing piece of tape. Lucas has gained some internet fame as a thanks to his posts of creepy home videos he came across on the property of his dead parents. Something his sister isn’t all that happy about but the mystery behind this is far too intriguing to just ignore and Lucas grows obsessed. Lynn’s concerns grow because she’s seen this type of behavior in her brother before and his new celebrity may be causing an increase in harmful actions. That celebrity also brings Lynn unwanted attention from the dopes who follow her brother’s page after he stops posting following some strange occurrences. Lucas has drawn connections to a reverend who has a public access program titled The Salvation Hour and begins posting again, convinced he has found a villain… or maybe just grasping at straws for his followers. Things go wrong for his channel, Lynn comes home and then things go in an unexpected direction. I’ll stop there because you should be as blind as I was stumbling into this bad boy. It’s a clever film and crafted together professionally with an intriguing build. It falters slightly in its revelation but takes itself serious enough to not feel like it wasted your time. Slightly silly but ridiculous enough to be satisfying.
⭐️1/2
Chaz Bono gets the “AND” credit. Finally, a film brave enough to treat Chaz Bono as the shining beacon of hope that he is. Besides serving as a vehicle for The Chazster, the plot of the film concerns a secluded campground and the history of vanished folks centered around it. Thanks to the pre-credits, we know some bald dude with a medieval ax dishes out violent death to anybody who “rings the bell”. Next up we join a small group of filmmakers arriving at the mobile home of the main chode’s little brother. There’s some family stuff there but who cares. The blonde girlfriend of the older brother is the director and they’re making a documentary on urban legends. Big bro is the cameraman, some vain chick is the host and there’s another guy there who introduces himself with a “Deez nuts” joke so I could not care less what the hell he does. A young woman is looking for her brother (we saw his head get chopped off before the credits rolled) and heading towards his last know location. The filmmakers run into her at your standard creepy-ass gas station with unfriendly locals (Bonnie Aarons showing up) and learn of her missing brother. The younger brother Liam goes all googly-eyed for her. They also run into some rangers (I see you, Bono!) who are concerned about their destination. The usual warnings about a murderous ghost follows but it’s all ignored because that’s just how things go. “HE EATS SOULS AND SHITS BLOOD!” doesn’t exactly scare one the way you would hope. Virgin sacrifices and Hellish gateways being forced open sound less likely. Liam doesn’t like the area and the folks he’s being forced to be around aren’t all that great. Director Dipshit rings the bell (as the crew cheer her on) and the bald executioner awakens. He’s played by Randy Couture so at least he’s intimidating although he does resemble a boxer from the 1920s so maybe like a super tough resident of Portland kind of intimidating. Possession happens, motivations are revealed and people die. If bloody ears, orange contacts and white face paint are your thing, this may offer some joy but as it is, this kind of comes off like an abandoned Supernatural script that was rightfully discarded for not offering much entertainment value. The two leads are kind of likable and I did have some fun watching Couture bring the beatdown to some demons (he also gets to give a big ‘ol history lesson with cheap effects flashback), so it ain’t a complete waste. Also, Chaz Bono was there blowing the head off of a demon with a shotgun and I can’t say that about too many low-effort horror films.
