Morpho, the Doctor and Me: The Awful Dr. Orlof (1962)

    Jesus Franco has been haunting the catacombs of my mind for a long time. The man directed over 200 films in almost every genre. I am most familiar with his output in horror (shocker). Surreal, exploitative, insane and boring are all words that can describe his work. Sometimes, all words could be used to describe just one film of his. Franco treads familiar waters with The Awful Dr. Orlof, yet he does so in a way that it becomes something not often associated with Franco's work: classic. 

   If one wishes to explore the deep ocean that is Franco's filmography, I would recommend you come to this film a little later down the line. It may falsely convey the notion of Franco as a master. I enjoy a majority of his films, I love a few and I avoid a good amount. His early output is stronger than what came later and The Awful Dr. Orlof remains one of my favorites (I still believe Miss Muerte is his greatest film). If he had carried on in this fashion he may have gone down as one of the most essential horror directors of all time, instead he hits more on infamous and a bit of cult icon. I'd rather have him as the latter anyways.

So good I wanna SIIIIIIIIIIIING!

    The film opens with a drunk woman stumbling and singing in the middle of the street. She makes it home and continues to sing as she shuffles around her room like me at my nephews birthday party. Unlike that classic time I was being awesome, she meets her end when upon opening her closet Morpho emerges and strangles her. Morpho is a towering, caped and deformed gentleman who carries off the recently perished woman into the night. The tapping of a stick by some unseen person leads the blind beast in the proper direction. 

Blind...Beautiful...Morpho

       Our poor blitzed babe is not the first woman to disappear. A newly engaged inspector is on the case and is, sadly, getting nowhere. He is not privy to the same information as us, we soon learn that Dr. Orlof is the mystery man in control of Morpho. His night out with a beautiful lounge singer concludes with murder and more Morpho. Orlof is using the skin of his victims in an attempt to cure his daughter's fire generated disfigurement. I'm not sure how he is going about it. They don't explicitly show his treatments like they did in Eyes Without a Face (which is the definite inspiration for Franco's film), but it's not working. He decides he must use a living host in order for his treatment to be a success. 

The Icky Dr. Orlof

    As Orlof does his weird surgery thang, we spend some more time with the inspector. He's following clues and trying to piece together why his witnesses seem to be seeing two different murderers. With a helpful push from his fiancee (who just so happens to be the spitting image of Orlof's daughter) the inspector comes to the realization of the tag team murder scheme afoot. This still seems to get him nowhere. His fiancee, being the awesome woman she is, decides to go undercover to flush Dr. Orlof out. This all leads to a whole lotta death and a whole lotta Morpho.

   If you failed to notice, I fucking love Morpho. Ricardo Valle makes for an imposing "monster". His make up is goofy as hell but he still manages to give me the chills after all these years. This is helped in a major way by Franco's atmospheric direction. In contrast to his later catalogue, The Awful Dr. Orlof shows an assured hand all the way through. You'd get moments of this in his later films but rarely frequent. The familiar Franco aspects are also present but not yet prevalent. Breasts are fondled, jazz erupts, lounge or club numbers (although not as intrusive as they would become) appear and Howard Vernon is his usual wonderful self. Not as psychopathic as some of his other films, The Awful Dr. Orlof maintains its status as genuinely accomplished cinema. Find it and enjoy it but do not judge the man's work by it.

Did I Forget to Mention That Most of the Women Are Gorgeous?

    

Temporarily Out of Service 

Capsule Review #003: The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

         Awaiting his execution, Baron Victor Frankenstein discloses his tale to a chaplain. The chaplain was called, not for any religious comfort or absolution, because the Baron couldn't think of anyone who would have come if summoned. Victor confesses his involvement in dabbling where man was not supposed to dabble. Victor and his tutor, Paul, began experimenting with restoring life to dead animals. Frankenstein's thirst for knowledge, leads him to attempt creating man from spare body parts collected from the recently deceased. His ultimate goal being to give life to something which never lived. This quest of his gives way to him butting heads with his former mentor and completely losing  himself to his obsession with creation. This leads to murder, a damaged brain and tragedy.

         Hammer's first foray into gothic horror helped save the genre from the steady decline it was experiencing. Watching it now, nearly six decades after its original release, it's easy to see why. The Curse of Frankenstein is remarkable. It's a perfect storm of every filmmaking aspect. Fisher's assured direction, Sangster's exciting script, acting, set design and the overall mood. Peter Cushing plays the Baron perfectly. A man far too concerned with science to worry about the emotional side of being human. He can pretend for appearances but all that matters in the end is knowledge. Any other actor who lacked Cushing's class would have made the Baron contemptible. Christopher Lee's creature is excellent. With no dialogue, Lee's eyes speak volumes about the confusion and rage at work in his damaged mind. The lab sets are perfect, the scenery plays to the cold and creepy mood of the film and there are sprinkles of unexpected (and shocking for the time) gore. It all combines to produce a perfect horror film.

10/10

       

Capsule Review #002: Friday the 13th (1980)

       The reopening of the long closed Camp Crystal Lake (due to its violent past the locals have named it Camp Blood) brings death to the young adults preparing the camp for its grand reopening. The counsellors are knocked off one by one in splattery ways by an unseen maniac. Tom Savini supplies the special effects so you know you're in good hands. 

        Black Christmas and Halloween built the structure laid out by the German krimis and Italian giallos but Friday the 13th designed the interiors. Much like the giallos before it, each death is treated as a set piece. It lacks the artistic boundary pushing of its Italian cousins but it still hits the mark on visceral slayings. It stumbles this soon out of the gate but the genre would eventually master it, get lazy and crumble into itself. Friday the 13th is good for what it is. It's a blueprint and is only formulaic because of how much it was impersonated. Friday the 13th deserves its status as a slasher classic. It's unimaginable where the genre would be without it. It's not my favorite of the series (2, Final Chapter and VI outrank it in my book) but it should still be viewed by any fan of 80s horror.

7/10

Get Nasty: Anthropophagus (1980)

      Some people dread seeing "FILMIRAGE presentano" in the opening credits of a film. I look forward to it. It's an easy clue as to what kind of film you'll be experiencing. You're going to be in Eurotrash heaven and it is going to be awesome. Anthropophagus is a Filmirage presentation. It's the movie that pops into my mind whenever I hear the term "video nasty". Finding it after years of combing through video store horror sections, it's not the film I had imagined it would be. It is still a tasty slice of Italian cheese and it has one hell of a mean streak. 

He Has Just Enrolled in Proper Headphone Usage 101

   
        An accidentally broken camera allows Tisa Farrow (she of Zombie fame) to tag along with a group of vacationing friends on a boat tour. She needs to be dropped off along the way on an island where her friends have a summer home. They arrive on the island only to find the village a ghost town except for a mysterious woman who warns them to "go away". After exploring the vacant town and discovering a half eaten corpse, they wisely decide it's time to leave. They are shit out of luck on that front because their boat has drifted away from land without any warning from the boat's captain or their pregnant friend who stayed aboard due to a sprained ankle. 

Chicks Dig Boats

      With no other option available, the group decide to spend the night inside the house of Farrow's absent friends. They discover the missing family's blind daughter hidden and in shock. She rambles on about a man who smells like blood but the group have no idea what this distressed girl is talking about. It turns out that a man from the island became marooned on a lifeboat with his wife and son. Madness set in and after accidentally stabbing his wife (she tried stopping him from eating his dead son) he lost it completely. He returned to the island, killed and ate everyone and now he's picking off the group one at a time.

Pure Horror or Pure Rock God?

        It may drag in some spots (they seem to spend a lot of time exploring) but Anthropophagus has a hell of a lot going for it. The soundtrack kicks ass. It's electronic and it's all over the place. It sounds like the composer just purchased a decked out keyboard, said "fuck it" and went insane. Music betrays the scene, music enhances the tension and sometimes music seems to be from another film altogether. It's wonderful. Another point in its favor is the splatter. There's a hatchet to the face, a scalping and, in the film's most infamous scene, a fetus is ripped out of the mother and eaten in front of the wounded father. This is why I often equate Anthropophagus to the term "video nasty". Reading about this scene conjured something quite horrific in my mind before I actually saw it play out. The special effect is obvious but still remains one of those "oh fuck" moments many films wish they had. Finally, the casting of George Eastman (or Luigi Montefiori) as the monster was perfect. He towers over the cast and makes for an imposing and terrifying killer.

Prefers to be Called "Big Guy"

               Anthropophagus will never live up to the movie I created in my head all those years ago when I first read about it. That is probably for the best. I'm sure that film would have been unwatchable. As it is, Anthropophagus is a perfectly adequate piece of exploitation. I recommend it. 

This Moment Made Possible by the Fine Folks at FILMIRAGE

   

Capsule Review #001: The Hunted (2013)

      Sometimes there's just not a whole bunch to say about a film. Be it good or bad (although, I do find it easier to write about bad films). I started doing this blog not to just ramble on and on about trash films but to keep track of all the genre appropriate films I watched. Instead of struggling to stretch out reviews for films I don't have much to say about and drive myself insane over a blog that only friends of mine read, I decided short capsule reviews were a safe way of curbing any frustration. 

      Two men set off into the woods to film themselves buck hunting on some newly acquired land. Attempting to get a show deal out of it, their frustration grows as they can't seem to get the buck they are after and they are plagued by a piercing scream that seems to be following them. Their cameras are catching nothing,  whatever is screaming is escalating its "attacks" and the landowner may be hiding a secret of just what the hell is going on.

      Many people have grown bored and needlessly angry towards the "found footage" subgenre. I have no issue with it. Like every other subgenre sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. For every good slasher film (The Burning, Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter) you have less than stellar examples (Doom Asylum, Pranks). It's the risk every horror fan takes. The Hunted is a good found footage film. Creepy as hell, aided by likable characters and  utilizing the true horror of the woods after dark, The Hunted comes out as a nice showcase of how found footage can be done right. 

8/10

Opening the Floodgates: Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)

         It all begins somewhere. Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man is my starting point. Rented from Palmer Video (long gone) by my mom and watched with wide eyed wonder by a very young me, I would forever be a monster kid. The Universal horrors, TOHO's Godzilla series and any other monster film I could get my hands on soon littered the living room. I had found my first love and we'd have disagreements and even a few separations but monster movies were never far from my heart. This would lead to 80's slashers, Italian zombies and whatever the hell Hong Kong would dream up in the 70's and 80's. Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man was the first and has my eternal gratitude for warping my brain and beginning my obsession.

Already Hammered

        Lawrence Talbot was a werewolf. He was killed by his father and has been dead for four years. Sadly, resting in peace is not in the cards for dear Larry. Two grave robbers make the mistake of doing what they do during a full moon. Not tipped off by the lack of decay on dear Mr. Talbot's corpse, one of the grave robbers starts rummaging for whatever goodies he can find. He ends up murdered by a now resurrected Wolf Man. He's a grave robber, so we're happy to see this shit stain cleaned off the earth's underpants. 

He Comes From a Long Line of Grave Robbers

       Talbot is found passed out in the streets of Cardiff with a skull fracture. The skull fracture given to him by his father with the help of a silver cane. He is brought to the hospital, and much to the surprise of his doctor, heals at a superhuman rate. Dr. Mannering treats Larry as if he is his only patient. All his time is spent figuring out why this man thinks he is a dead man and, more importantly, why this man thinks he is a werewolf. When Larry escapes, he follows him across Europe because that is how much Mannering cares for his patient. Talbot goes to visit the wise old gypsy from The Wolf Man to figure out a way for him to die and stay dead. She believes there is a Dr. Frankenstein that may be able to help him.

Mad Skillz

      Talbot's quest for eternal sleep leads him to a small village and more importantly to the icy grave of Frankenstein's monster. The creature is still alive and seems to be a bit thankful for his rescue from a freezing cold oblivion. Instead of immediately strangling Larry, the creature attempts to help him find his dead creator's journal. Obviously, the brute with a damaged brain proves useless in this endeavor so Larry turns to the only surviving Frankenstein heir, his beautiful daughter. She arrives just in time for a village festival under the belief that Larry wishes to buy her families castle. He admits it was a lie to get her out there and starts fishing around for her papa's journal. She refuses but still attends the festival with the man who just lied to her. Mannering arrives in time for the festival and confronts Talbot but that is soon interrupted by the creature whom I assume got lonely and wandered into town looking for his flabby new friend. 

When Hats Were Hats

You Better Believe He's Gonna Be Touching You

           The townspeople grow antsy and a little quick to thinking the only option is murder and Mannering becomes a little obsessed with Dr. Frankenstein's work. He convinces Baroness Frankenstein that he will destroy the creature and he also promises to help Talbot with his whole problem of living. He lands somewhere in between when he tries to feed more power into the creature and does shit all for Talbot. It all leads to the far too brief showdown between the Wolf Man and Frankenstein's monster. 

Mustache Heaven

You Got a Friend in Me

       Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man can do no wrong . Digging deeper into it you may find it to have quite the implausible script but what do I care? I just spent a year looking for an Indonesian movie where trees grow out of people in grisly detail (Review forthcoming). Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man is 71 minutes of pure fun. It's simple, it's got an awesome cast (Chaney JR! Lugosi! Atwill! Frye!) and I am completely biased towards it. Even if it could have used ten more minutes of monster on monster action. Enjoy

Momma Loves Tongue: Aswang (1994)

        The aswang is a Filipino monster which feeds upon unborn babies in the mother's womb. It has a projectable tongue it uses to invade the mother's womb through her vagina.  A group of Wisconsin filmmakers decided  they wanted to make a film about this. Let that sink in. Are you smiling? If not, you may want to leave. I think you may be in the wrong place. Now that it's just us weirdos, we can talk about this tongue centric horror film.

       Katrina is in a bit of a bind. She is pregnant and her boy toy doesn't want the baby. He even offers to pay for "a trip to the clinic." What a guy! Katrina has other plans. She has found some oddball Wisconsinite who needs an heir before he can get his hands on his family's vast estate. He has money and he is willing to dish out the sweet greenbacks for the exclusive rights to the little bastard inside Katrina's tummy. She signs a contract (something the man continuously reminds her) and things hit a steady decline for her from this point on. Before you can say "Go Badgers!" Katrina is on her way to meet her "husband" Peter's mother. 

Only Call Him Daddy in a Sexual Context

           Peter Null ain't the only oddball in his family. His mother Olive is a wheelchair bound weirdo constantly being looked after by their Filipino maid Cupid. Peter's sister lives on the grounds away from everyone in a cabin because she is "touched in the head". Katrina is warned to stay away from the cabin. There's also some kind of professor roaming around but he is not welcome there. Peter shouts "he's violating my property rights!" He knows more than he is letting on but he does not survive long enough for us to figure out just what he knew.  Just like every other family there is a horrible secret to the Null's. What is a secret if not horrible? I'd much rather stumble upon a basement burial ground than some lame ass surprise party. If you're gonna have a secret make sure it is a dark one.

 

It's Like Full House with Just a Little More Baby Eating

          Everyone is very interested in Katrina's unborn child. Hell, she wakes up from an unsettling nightmare to find Peter going down her. He is doing this to learn the gender of the baby. I didn't know you could do that through cunnilingus. You learn something new every day. Turns out their interest lies more on the feasting side of things. Mother and son are aswangs and they are hungry. Judging by the remains the professor has discovered littered all over the Null estate, they have eaten many times. This leaves Katrina in a fight for her and her daughter's life.

And I Was Like Baby, Baby, Baby...Oh God No!

       

        Cupid Gets Close

         Aswang is different. If you have an affinity for oddball horror films you may have come across this creature before but you have never seen it handled by Wisconsinites on a tight budget. It's 82 minute run time keeps it zipping along and avoiding the padding curse one usually runs into when watching regional horror films. There's also plenty of weirdness to keep you awake such as the scene where Katrina gets ahold of the mother's exploring tongue, pulls her off the roof by it and forces Peter to severe the 50 ft long tongue because mama Null is hanging off the balcony by it. There's a random ass chainsaw attack and a hoe defense. There is some bad acting but it isn't distracting and the sight of a chainsaw wielding man in pajama pants chasing a pregnant woman more than makes up for any scenery chewing.

  There's a "Hoe" and "Head" Joke in Here Somewhere but I'm Pretty Drunk

        Wisconsin has gone two for two with oddball horror. Between the orgasm causing samurai ghost of Blood Beat and the baby snatching tongue monsters of Aswang I am growing quite fond of my neighbor to the north. Keep it weird, Wisconsin....keep it weird. 

Aswanged

      

Buttcheeks and Dead Teens: The Burning (1981)

        Slasher films are not everyone's cup of tea. Complaints are voiced about the formulaic laziness of the whole damn genre. "You've seen one, you've seen 'em all!' They may be a showcase for clever and sometimes not so clever ways to dispose of horny "teenagers" but all in all they tend towards "by the numbers" scripting. As more Transformers films are produced I say: "who gives a flying fuck?" Sure, these were the guaranteed moneymakers of the early eighties and oversaturation eventually killed them off. Decades later, I have yet to come across an eighties slasher film I hate. I've walked out of a Transformers film and I own more than fifty slasher films. I'm not sure what that says about me but I think we can all agree that Michael Bay can go fuck himself.

Sex Appeal

        If anything, The Burning will be remembered as "that slasher flick with George Costanza in it." At least it will be remembered. Tom Savini supplies the special effects so they are pretty damn perfect. It is also formulaic, even at this early stage of the genre. It still remains my all time favorite slasher flick. All the checkpoints are there: boobs, blood, POV shots and a preternatural killer. It also adds some extra spice: recognizable faces, likable characters, Savini, Jason Alexander's first nude scene and a peeping tom named Alfred. If this is the "standard" slasher film then the standard is pretty damn great.

That Ass on the Left....Costanza

     
       There's a hated caretaker at Camp Blackwood and the campers decide to get back at him. A lazy prank leads to third degree burns for Cropsey the caretaker. The term "pants on fire" is taken to a horrifying new place. Cropsey survives... kind of. He's released from the hospital looking like a clay sculpture I made when I was high on LSD and drunk on a few glasses of whiskey. He's pissed and he wants vengeance. First he hires a hooker (do people still us this term or have I been watching too many 70's cop films?) but before they can do the horizontal tango she sees his face and decides she doesn't need the fifteen dollars (I'm being generous). She is brutally murdered with scissors and because Savini is in charge of the deaths it is kind of hard to watch. Realizing he has a knack for murder he decides to head to camp to enact some sweet vengeance on any "teenager" around.
 

"AAAAAAAAPRIL FOOOO....OH FUCK!!!"

                                                                       

       The doomed teens turn out to be pretty damn likable. You have a few jerks but for the most part I didn't want any of these nerdy kids and cute girls to get it. Some of them may have looked like undercover cops trying to fit in with a group of teenage drug dealers but they still had inner beauty. The same even goes for the resident jerk off. There was heart beneath that tough exterior. He was still murdered but Glazer wasn't a complete dick. Alfred may have been a creeper but he wasn't just a creeper. Most of the other "kids" are just your run of the mill late twenties looking teens, joking around and having some fun. They go off on a canoeing/camping trip and that's when Cropsey makes his move. Lost canoes lead to the building of a raft, rafting to get more canoes leads to a memorable massacre and this massacre leads to everyone realizing just how fucked they are.

I Guarantee It....They Are Looking at Butts

Mothers Don't Name Your Son Glazer

Back Off Glazer! I Loved Her First

Sure It Took Her Forty Years but She Finally Made Counsellor

         I know I have mentioned Tom Savini a few times already but the man is a master at his craft. The violence is brutal as hell and realistic to boot. This helps in making the deaths poignant and lasting. You watch a man get decapitated with the aid of CGI and you can immediately say "look how stupid that was! Fantastic!" but when you watch these people slaughtered in a completely realistic way you can only mourn for the loss of your crush and your probable D&D partners.

Getting Kids Off LSD Since '81

        I love weird cinema. I love trash films. I love garbage that only someone with a damaged brain could find amazing, They're the weird food you've never tried but your more cultured friend forces you to eat. It's a wonderful thing experiencing new tastes but sometimes you should enjoy what you've eaten since you were just a little weirdo. Slasher films are the Taco Bell of my horror genre. Taco Bell can really hit the spot sometimes.

    

       

Giallo is the Color of My Energy: Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971)

     

       Any film that opens with a drum solo can't be all that bad. Any film that closes with a car exploding can't be all that bad. If the middle can hold its weight we may have a genuine classic on our hands. It comes close but sadly it is too accomplished for trash heaven status and too goofy to hit the horror classic mark. It's still worth your time.

       

Indeed

         The drummer drumming his ass off is our protagonist Roberto. He's practicing with his band, rocking out and attempting to kill a fly without missing a beat. He's also being watched by a mustachioed man in sunglasses. Various cutaways show us that this man has been following him for a week or so. Practice ends and after he reassures his bandmate about being off ("We're so far out, whose gonna notice?") he realises Mr. Shady Mustache is still hanging around. He goes to confront the stalker and follows him into an empty theater. The confrontation leads to him accidentally killing the stalker and all of this has been photographed by some weirdo in a super creepy mask.

No Thank You

         Roberto begins to receive vague threats from our creepy photographer. These vague threats soon escalate into outright violence in Roberto's own home. He is attacked by the weirdo and told that he will eventually kill him but not yet. After all, it's not like Roberto can go to the cops. He shares this information with his wife Mina and she freaks out. Roberto seeks advice from his friend Godfry (called God) and attempts to figure out a plan of action. God introduces him to his parrot (named Jerk Off) and tells him to hire a private investigator. He also pays his hobo friend, The Professor, to watch over Roberto's house. It does little to calm Roberto's paranoia. He sends his wife away and attacks his mailman. This weirdo photographer is really getting to him. 

The Professor, the Drummer and God

          

Senseless Mailman Abuse

       What follows is blackmail, more blackmail, murder and some serious daddy issues. It's a fun ride so I will not be spoiling...much. This film is populated with odd characters and a few odd moments. The homosexual private detective is the best of the lot. He has 84 unsolved cases but is optimistic about Roberto's case because he is due for a win. I could watch a whole movie of Detective Arrosio and was sad to see him meet his end (but he did solve the case). God and the Professor are fun but not fleshed out, Mina's psychiatrist friend has an awesome mustache and looks like Ben Stiller, a cat is murdered, a couple making out in the park vanish through the magic of terrible editing, there's a recurring dream with a public decapitation and a funeral expo filled with trendy coffins and bad jokes. 

The Early Works of Ben Stiller

       The title comes from the "scientific" method used to catch the killer. Apparently, the last image a victim sees before death will remain on the retina for an hour or so. It is possible to photograph this image through the use of lasers and science, I guess. Do you know what that image looks like on the eye of one of the creepy photographer's victims? That's right! Four flies on grey velvet....just like the name of the movie!

Love Beyond Language: Santo and Blue Demon Against the Monsters (1970)

       I sucked at Spanish in highschool. I'm not much better at it now. My limited grasp on the language comes from a want to not sound like a complete asshole while ordering food. Delicious food. Beyond my half assed attempts to impress the waitresses at hundreds of different Mexican restaurants all over the Chicagoland area, I am at a loss when it comes to speaking or understanding the language. This did not stop me from watching Santo Y Blue Demon contra Los Monstruos. 

      I discovered this movie in grade school when I read through the book Classic Movie Monsters by Donald F Glut. In his chapter on the wolf man, it featured an image of this film's werewolf about to chow down on a woman's neck. That image stayed with me. When I found out this film had finally been unleashed on dvd, I immediately ordered myself a copy. I had no idea that it had been released without subtitles. "Fuck it." Lost as I am everytime I watch it, I still love this Mexican oddity.

Feel the Love

     

      El Santo and Blue Demon are two beloved luchadores.The wonderful thing about Luchadores is their refusal to remove their masks. In these movies they are never seen without them. It is bizarre and fantastic watching a beefy dude make out with a woman while wearing a lucha mask. It's also quite fun to experience for yourself. Try it some time.

       El Santo watches on as Blue Demon wrestles and seems to approve of what he sees. That or he is sexually aroused by Blue Demon's sweet skills. It may be the mask he is wearing but I still feel as if he may be licking his lips a little too much. There is a running commentary throughout the match calling all of the action but, as I can only make out a few words, it does nothing for me. Luckily victorious arm raising means the same thing in all cultures so I at least know Blue Demon won his match. The match is followed by scenes from a funeral. A blonde woman and her father watch on as a coffin is placed inside a mausoleum. From the cemetery, a midget and his black clothed goons watch as well. El Santo and Blue Demon have a brief discussion in what may be El Santo's office and the goons steal the body from the coffin. Blue Demon happens to be driving by and witnesses the goons heading towards a castle. Like all masked wrestlers, his curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to investigate. This was a mistake. He witnesses the resurrection of Dr. Halder (the corpse from the coffin) by his midget assistant and is captured. Halder's Vladimir Lenin looking ass places Blue Demon in what may be a transparent tanning bed and clones him. Boom! Now we got an evil Blue Demon on our hands. 

Casual Fridays

     El Santo is out for a drive with the blonde woman we saw earlier at the funeral. They stop for some lucha lip locking and come across Evil Blue Demon. He and the goons attack. They manage to kidnap the lovely young lady and Evil Blue Demon throws Santo off a cliff. Luckily, Santo will not be taken out in such a lazy manner. He hops in his car and pursues the kidnappers. They have a bit of a head start but, through the magic of film, El Santo's car drives as if the film has been sped up. The blonde jumps into his convertible and the villains fly off a cliff. Obviously, their car explodes on impact but somehow not one of them is hurt. This forces Dr. Halder to undertake more drastic matters to complete whatever it is his evil plans are. 

Lenin and Da Goons

       A couple of things before I go on. I have no idea what Halder's evil plans were. I just knew he was evil. The man has goons and a cloning machine. While I'm on the goons: look at the picture above. You can see the midget and the black shirts but do you see the little brain monster guy? I was half convinced I had imagined him. He does nothing, has no special powers but he still gets screen time. I have no idea what the fuck he is or why he is there. I may be sinking in a sea of ignorance without subtitles, I'm still fairly certain he is never explained. It's pretty damn perfect. I wish there were more characters like this spread throughout cinema. Just weird little monsters hanging out and not doing a damn thing. Well, I'll get back to it.

       Phase II of Halder's plan involves him collecting various monsters and may I say that these are some of the cheapest monsters I have ever seen. It's Universal on a poverty row budget. I love them so damn much. Halder's goons collect the vampire first. He wears a top hat and has bat ears! Evil Blue Demon manages to control him with a blinking ring. My heart is singing! Next up is a mummy who looks like an old man with a Three Stooges style tooth ache. He is freed from his "crypt" which resembles an unused room in a crazy person's mansion. It's full of cobwebs and mummified bodies. A cyclops is melted out of the ice. Uhm....yeah...I know that sentence makes no sense but what the hell? You won't even care once you see the beast. It looks like a burnt gorilla with the head of a one eyed robot-ape. It just keeps getting better. Add to it a bearded werewolf and Frankenstein's monster. He is named Franquestain and his make up consists of a goatee glued onto a Glenn Strange Frankenstein mask. The vampire will also claim two sexy ladies as his brides to add to the monster menagerie. 

Tonight...I shall suck!

Toothache of the Damned

No Words

Chicks Dig Facial Hair

Va-Va-Voom!

Creeping Toms

      The monsters run rampant. Wolfman kills a family of three. Franquestain murders a couple of smooching teens. He crushes the poor young man's head with his boot. I'm sure the others are also up to no good. Eventually El Santo and the vampire have a wrestling match. What did you think was going to happen? The vampire puts on a mask and becomes a stocky luchadore. There is no pinfall, sadly, because the monsters rush the ring and the stadium slips into chaos. El Santo takes his gal and her father to dinner and a show. Turns out the mad Dr. Halder is her uncle. I figured that little mystery out when her father used the word "hermano". Thank you for the assist Arrested Development. The monsters attack them at dinner and kidnap the blonde and her pops. The mummy is thrown off a roof. El Santo, once again, proves that tossing him off of anything is useless. Blue Demon is rescued, evil is conquered and a castle is engulfed in flames. I push my liquified brain back into my ears and smile. Damn. I need a scotch.

Inconspicuous 

       Santo Y Blue Demon contra Los Monstruos does not need to be understood. It will probably lose a little magic when I finally find it with subtitles. Until then, this film will transcend the language barrier. Years ago I finally sat down with this long hunted gem. It brought a smile to my face and inspired me to seek out many more unsubtitled films I had put off watching due to my trepidation for misunderstanding a plot. Santo and Blue Demon taught me it is ok to get lost sometimes.