Capsule Review #003: The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

         Awaiting his execution, Baron Victor Frankenstein discloses his tale to a chaplain. The chaplain was called, not for any religious comfort or absolution, because the Baron couldn't think of anyone who would have come if summoned. Victor confesses his involvement in dabbling where man was not supposed to dabble. Victor and his tutor, Paul, began experimenting with restoring life to dead animals. Frankenstein's thirst for knowledge, leads him to attempt creating man from spare body parts collected from the recently deceased. His ultimate goal being to give life to something which never lived. This quest of his gives way to him butting heads with his former mentor and completely losing  himself to his obsession with creation. This leads to murder, a damaged brain and tragedy.

         Hammer's first foray into gothic horror helped save the genre from the steady decline it was experiencing. Watching it now, nearly six decades after its original release, it's easy to see why. The Curse of Frankenstein is remarkable. It's a perfect storm of every filmmaking aspect. Fisher's assured direction, Sangster's exciting script, acting, set design and the overall mood. Peter Cushing plays the Baron perfectly. A man far too concerned with science to worry about the emotional side of being human. He can pretend for appearances but all that matters in the end is knowledge. Any other actor who lacked Cushing's class would have made the Baron contemptible. Christopher Lee's creature is excellent. With no dialogue, Lee's eyes speak volumes about the confusion and rage at work in his damaged mind. The lab sets are perfect, the scenery plays to the cold and creepy mood of the film and there are sprinkles of unexpected (and shocking for the time) gore. It all combines to produce a perfect horror film.

10/10

       

Capsule Review #001: The Hunted (2013)

      Sometimes there's just not a whole bunch to say about a film. Be it good or bad (although, I do find it easier to write about bad films). I started doing this blog not to just ramble on and on about trash films but to keep track of all the genre appropriate films I watched. Instead of struggling to stretch out reviews for films I don't have much to say about and drive myself insane over a blog that only friends of mine read, I decided short capsule reviews were a safe way of curbing any frustration. 

      Two men set off into the woods to film themselves buck hunting on some newly acquired land. Attempting to get a show deal out of it, their frustration grows as they can't seem to get the buck they are after and they are plagued by a piercing scream that seems to be following them. Their cameras are catching nothing,  whatever is screaming is escalating its "attacks" and the landowner may be hiding a secret of just what the hell is going on.

      Many people have grown bored and needlessly angry towards the "found footage" subgenre. I have no issue with it. Like every other subgenre sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. For every good slasher film (The Burning, Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter) you have less than stellar examples (Doom Asylum, Pranks). It's the risk every horror fan takes. The Hunted is a good found footage film. Creepy as hell, aided by likable characters and  utilizing the true horror of the woods after dark, The Hunted comes out as a nice showcase of how found footage can be done right. 

8/10

Momma Loves Tongue: Aswang (1994)

        The aswang is a Filipino monster which feeds upon unborn babies in the mother's womb. It has a projectable tongue it uses to invade the mother's womb through her vagina.  A group of Wisconsin filmmakers decided  they wanted to make a film about this. Let that sink in. Are you smiling? If not, you may want to leave. I think you may be in the wrong place. Now that it's just us weirdos, we can talk about this tongue centric horror film.

       Katrina is in a bit of a bind. She is pregnant and her boy toy doesn't want the baby. He even offers to pay for "a trip to the clinic." What a guy! Katrina has other plans. She has found some oddball Wisconsinite who needs an heir before he can get his hands on his family's vast estate. He has money and he is willing to dish out the sweet greenbacks for the exclusive rights to the little bastard inside Katrina's tummy. She signs a contract (something the man continuously reminds her) and things hit a steady decline for her from this point on. Before you can say "Go Badgers!" Katrina is on her way to meet her "husband" Peter's mother. 

Only Call Him Daddy in a Sexual Context

           Peter Null ain't the only oddball in his family. His mother Olive is a wheelchair bound weirdo constantly being looked after by their Filipino maid Cupid. Peter's sister lives on the grounds away from everyone in a cabin because she is "touched in the head". Katrina is warned to stay away from the cabin. There's also some kind of professor roaming around but he is not welcome there. Peter shouts "he's violating my property rights!" He knows more than he is letting on but he does not survive long enough for us to figure out just what he knew.  Just like every other family there is a horrible secret to the Null's. What is a secret if not horrible? I'd much rather stumble upon a basement burial ground than some lame ass surprise party. If you're gonna have a secret make sure it is a dark one.

 

It's Like Full House with Just a Little More Baby Eating

          Everyone is very interested in Katrina's unborn child. Hell, she wakes up from an unsettling nightmare to find Peter going down her. He is doing this to learn the gender of the baby. I didn't know you could do that through cunnilingus. You learn something new every day. Turns out their interest lies more on the feasting side of things. Mother and son are aswangs and they are hungry. Judging by the remains the professor has discovered littered all over the Null estate, they have eaten many times. This leaves Katrina in a fight for her and her daughter's life.

And I Was Like Baby, Baby, Baby...Oh God No!

       

        Cupid Gets Close

         Aswang is different. If you have an affinity for oddball horror films you may have come across this creature before but you have never seen it handled by Wisconsinites on a tight budget. It's 82 minute run time keeps it zipping along and avoiding the padding curse one usually runs into when watching regional horror films. There's also plenty of weirdness to keep you awake such as the scene where Katrina gets ahold of the mother's exploring tongue, pulls her off the roof by it and forces Peter to severe the 50 ft long tongue because mama Null is hanging off the balcony by it. There's a random ass chainsaw attack and a hoe defense. There is some bad acting but it isn't distracting and the sight of a chainsaw wielding man in pajama pants chasing a pregnant woman more than makes up for any scenery chewing.

  There's a "Hoe" and "Head" Joke in Here Somewhere but I'm Pretty Drunk

        Wisconsin has gone two for two with oddball horror. Between the orgasm causing samurai ghost of Blood Beat and the baby snatching tongue monsters of Aswang I am growing quite fond of my neighbor to the north. Keep it weird, Wisconsin....keep it weird. 

Aswanged

      

Buttcheeks and Dead Teens: The Burning (1981)

        Slasher films are not everyone's cup of tea. Complaints are voiced about the formulaic laziness of the whole damn genre. "You've seen one, you've seen 'em all!' They may be a showcase for clever and sometimes not so clever ways to dispose of horny "teenagers" but all in all they tend towards "by the numbers" scripting. As more Transformers films are produced I say: "who gives a flying fuck?" Sure, these were the guaranteed moneymakers of the early eighties and oversaturation eventually killed them off. Decades later, I have yet to come across an eighties slasher film I hate. I've walked out of a Transformers film and I own more than fifty slasher films. I'm not sure what that says about me but I think we can all agree that Michael Bay can go fuck himself.

Sex Appeal

        If anything, The Burning will be remembered as "that slasher flick with George Costanza in it." At least it will be remembered. Tom Savini supplies the special effects so they are pretty damn perfect. It is also formulaic, even at this early stage of the genre. It still remains my all time favorite slasher flick. All the checkpoints are there: boobs, blood, POV shots and a preternatural killer. It also adds some extra spice: recognizable faces, likable characters, Savini, Jason Alexander's first nude scene and a peeping tom named Alfred. If this is the "standard" slasher film then the standard is pretty damn great.

That Ass on the Left....Costanza

     
       There's a hated caretaker at Camp Blackwood and the campers decide to get back at him. A lazy prank leads to third degree burns for Cropsey the caretaker. The term "pants on fire" is taken to a horrifying new place. Cropsey survives... kind of. He's released from the hospital looking like a clay sculpture I made when I was high on LSD and drunk on a few glasses of whiskey. He's pissed and he wants vengeance. First he hires a hooker (do people still us this term or have I been watching too many 70's cop films?) but before they can do the horizontal tango she sees his face and decides she doesn't need the fifteen dollars (I'm being generous). She is brutally murdered with scissors and because Savini is in charge of the deaths it is kind of hard to watch. Realizing he has a knack for murder he decides to head to camp to enact some sweet vengeance on any "teenager" around.
 

"AAAAAAAAPRIL FOOOO....OH FUCK!!!"

                                                                       

       The doomed teens turn out to be pretty damn likable. You have a few jerks but for the most part I didn't want any of these nerdy kids and cute girls to get it. Some of them may have looked like undercover cops trying to fit in with a group of teenage drug dealers but they still had inner beauty. The same even goes for the resident jerk off. There was heart beneath that tough exterior. He was still murdered but Glazer wasn't a complete dick. Alfred may have been a creeper but he wasn't just a creeper. Most of the other "kids" are just your run of the mill late twenties looking teens, joking around and having some fun. They go off on a canoeing/camping trip and that's when Cropsey makes his move. Lost canoes lead to the building of a raft, rafting to get more canoes leads to a memorable massacre and this massacre leads to everyone realizing just how fucked they are.

I Guarantee It....They Are Looking at Butts

Mothers Don't Name Your Son Glazer

Back Off Glazer! I Loved Her First

Sure It Took Her Forty Years but She Finally Made Counsellor

         I know I have mentioned Tom Savini a few times already but the man is a master at his craft. The violence is brutal as hell and realistic to boot. This helps in making the deaths poignant and lasting. You watch a man get decapitated with the aid of CGI and you can immediately say "look how stupid that was! Fantastic!" but when you watch these people slaughtered in a completely realistic way you can only mourn for the loss of your crush and your probable D&D partners.

Getting Kids Off LSD Since '81

        I love weird cinema. I love trash films. I love garbage that only someone with a damaged brain could find amazing, They're the weird food you've never tried but your more cultured friend forces you to eat. It's a wonderful thing experiencing new tastes but sometimes you should enjoy what you've eaten since you were just a little weirdo. Slasher films are the Taco Bell of my horror genre. Taco Bell can really hit the spot sometimes.

    

       

Giallo is the Color of My Energy: Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971)

     

       Any film that opens with a drum solo can't be all that bad. Any film that closes with a car exploding can't be all that bad. If the middle can hold its weight we may have a genuine classic on our hands. It comes close but sadly it is too accomplished for trash heaven status and too goofy to hit the horror classic mark. It's still worth your time.

       

Indeed

         The drummer drumming his ass off is our protagonist Roberto. He's practicing with his band, rocking out and attempting to kill a fly without missing a beat. He's also being watched by a mustachioed man in sunglasses. Various cutaways show us that this man has been following him for a week or so. Practice ends and after he reassures his bandmate about being off ("We're so far out, whose gonna notice?") he realises Mr. Shady Mustache is still hanging around. He goes to confront the stalker and follows him into an empty theater. The confrontation leads to him accidentally killing the stalker and all of this has been photographed by some weirdo in a super creepy mask.

No Thank You

         Roberto begins to receive vague threats from our creepy photographer. These vague threats soon escalate into outright violence in Roberto's own home. He is attacked by the weirdo and told that he will eventually kill him but not yet. After all, it's not like Roberto can go to the cops. He shares this information with his wife Mina and she freaks out. Roberto seeks advice from his friend Godfry (called God) and attempts to figure out a plan of action. God introduces him to his parrot (named Jerk Off) and tells him to hire a private investigator. He also pays his hobo friend, The Professor, to watch over Roberto's house. It does little to calm Roberto's paranoia. He sends his wife away and attacks his mailman. This weirdo photographer is really getting to him. 

The Professor, the Drummer and God

          

Senseless Mailman Abuse

       What follows is blackmail, more blackmail, murder and some serious daddy issues. It's a fun ride so I will not be spoiling...much. This film is populated with odd characters and a few odd moments. The homosexual private detective is the best of the lot. He has 84 unsolved cases but is optimistic about Roberto's case because he is due for a win. I could watch a whole movie of Detective Arrosio and was sad to see him meet his end (but he did solve the case). God and the Professor are fun but not fleshed out, Mina's psychiatrist friend has an awesome mustache and looks like Ben Stiller, a cat is murdered, a couple making out in the park vanish through the magic of terrible editing, there's a recurring dream with a public decapitation and a funeral expo filled with trendy coffins and bad jokes. 

The Early Works of Ben Stiller

       The title comes from the "scientific" method used to catch the killer. Apparently, the last image a victim sees before death will remain on the retina for an hour or so. It is possible to photograph this image through the use of lasers and science, I guess. Do you know what that image looks like on the eye of one of the creepy photographer's victims? That's right! Four flies on grey velvet....just like the name of the movie!

Love Beyond Language: Santo and Blue Demon Against the Monsters (1970)

       I sucked at Spanish in highschool. I'm not much better at it now. My limited grasp on the language comes from a want to not sound like a complete asshole while ordering food. Delicious food. Beyond my half assed attempts to impress the waitresses at hundreds of different Mexican restaurants all over the Chicagoland area, I am at a loss when it comes to speaking or understanding the language. This did not stop me from watching Santo Y Blue Demon contra Los Monstruos. 

      I discovered this movie in grade school when I read through the book Classic Movie Monsters by Donald F Glut. In his chapter on the wolf man, it featured an image of this film's werewolf about to chow down on a woman's neck. That image stayed with me. When I found out this film had finally been unleashed on dvd, I immediately ordered myself a copy. I had no idea that it had been released without subtitles. "Fuck it." Lost as I am everytime I watch it, I still love this Mexican oddity.

Feel the Love

     

      El Santo and Blue Demon are two beloved luchadores.The wonderful thing about Luchadores is their refusal to remove their masks. In these movies they are never seen without them. It is bizarre and fantastic watching a beefy dude make out with a woman while wearing a lucha mask. It's also quite fun to experience for yourself. Try it some time.

       El Santo watches on as Blue Demon wrestles and seems to approve of what he sees. That or he is sexually aroused by Blue Demon's sweet skills. It may be the mask he is wearing but I still feel as if he may be licking his lips a little too much. There is a running commentary throughout the match calling all of the action but, as I can only make out a few words, it does nothing for me. Luckily victorious arm raising means the same thing in all cultures so I at least know Blue Demon won his match. The match is followed by scenes from a funeral. A blonde woman and her father watch on as a coffin is placed inside a mausoleum. From the cemetery, a midget and his black clothed goons watch as well. El Santo and Blue Demon have a brief discussion in what may be El Santo's office and the goons steal the body from the coffin. Blue Demon happens to be driving by and witnesses the goons heading towards a castle. Like all masked wrestlers, his curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to investigate. This was a mistake. He witnesses the resurrection of Dr. Halder (the corpse from the coffin) by his midget assistant and is captured. Halder's Vladimir Lenin looking ass places Blue Demon in what may be a transparent tanning bed and clones him. Boom! Now we got an evil Blue Demon on our hands. 

Casual Fridays

     El Santo is out for a drive with the blonde woman we saw earlier at the funeral. They stop for some lucha lip locking and come across Evil Blue Demon. He and the goons attack. They manage to kidnap the lovely young lady and Evil Blue Demon throws Santo off a cliff. Luckily, Santo will not be taken out in such a lazy manner. He hops in his car and pursues the kidnappers. They have a bit of a head start but, through the magic of film, El Santo's car drives as if the film has been sped up. The blonde jumps into his convertible and the villains fly off a cliff. Obviously, their car explodes on impact but somehow not one of them is hurt. This forces Dr. Halder to undertake more drastic matters to complete whatever it is his evil plans are. 

Lenin and Da Goons

       A couple of things before I go on. I have no idea what Halder's evil plans were. I just knew he was evil. The man has goons and a cloning machine. While I'm on the goons: look at the picture above. You can see the midget and the black shirts but do you see the little brain monster guy? I was half convinced I had imagined him. He does nothing, has no special powers but he still gets screen time. I have no idea what the fuck he is or why he is there. I may be sinking in a sea of ignorance without subtitles, I'm still fairly certain he is never explained. It's pretty damn perfect. I wish there were more characters like this spread throughout cinema. Just weird little monsters hanging out and not doing a damn thing. Well, I'll get back to it.

       Phase II of Halder's plan involves him collecting various monsters and may I say that these are some of the cheapest monsters I have ever seen. It's Universal on a poverty row budget. I love them so damn much. Halder's goons collect the vampire first. He wears a top hat and has bat ears! Evil Blue Demon manages to control him with a blinking ring. My heart is singing! Next up is a mummy who looks like an old man with a Three Stooges style tooth ache. He is freed from his "crypt" which resembles an unused room in a crazy person's mansion. It's full of cobwebs and mummified bodies. A cyclops is melted out of the ice. Uhm....yeah...I know that sentence makes no sense but what the hell? You won't even care once you see the beast. It looks like a burnt gorilla with the head of a one eyed robot-ape. It just keeps getting better. Add to it a bearded werewolf and Frankenstein's monster. He is named Franquestain and his make up consists of a goatee glued onto a Glenn Strange Frankenstein mask. The vampire will also claim two sexy ladies as his brides to add to the monster menagerie. 

Tonight...I shall suck!

Toothache of the Damned

No Words

Chicks Dig Facial Hair

Va-Va-Voom!

Creeping Toms

      The monsters run rampant. Wolfman kills a family of three. Franquestain murders a couple of smooching teens. He crushes the poor young man's head with his boot. I'm sure the others are also up to no good. Eventually El Santo and the vampire have a wrestling match. What did you think was going to happen? The vampire puts on a mask and becomes a stocky luchadore. There is no pinfall, sadly, because the monsters rush the ring and the stadium slips into chaos. El Santo takes his gal and her father to dinner and a show. Turns out the mad Dr. Halder is her uncle. I figured that little mystery out when her father used the word "hermano". Thank you for the assist Arrested Development. The monsters attack them at dinner and kidnap the blonde and her pops. The mummy is thrown off a roof. El Santo, once again, proves that tossing him off of anything is useless. Blue Demon is rescued, evil is conquered and a castle is engulfed in flames. I push my liquified brain back into my ears and smile. Damn. I need a scotch.

Inconspicuous 

       Santo Y Blue Demon contra Los Monstruos does not need to be understood. It will probably lose a little magic when I finally find it with subtitles. Until then, this film will transcend the language barrier. Years ago I finally sat down with this long hunted gem. It brought a smile to my face and inspired me to seek out many more unsubtitled films I had put off watching due to my trepidation for misunderstanding a plot. Santo and Blue Demon taught me it is ok to get lost sometimes. 

The Nights Will Never Be the Same, or Cocaine Fuels the Imagination: Baywatch Nights Part 1

  Season two of Baywatch Nights leaves a wave (ahem) of confusion in its wake (ahem ahem). But this is the kind of confusion I am deeply in love with. Baywatch, in its initial run, was a show about lifeguards and breasts. It was fine at being that. It also had David Hasselhoff. Knight Rider himself. Needless to say, Baywatch was pretty damn awesome. A few years before the crew moved from L.A. to Hawaii there was a spinoff. Baywatch Nights had a police character from the original show quitting the force to become a private detective. He convinces The Hoff to join him as well as Angie fuckin Harmon.They solved various cases a little too gritty for the standard Baywatch viewer. The simplicity ends at this point. Season two of Baywatch Nights is cocaine fueled brilliance. The kind of brilliance only found in the mind of a psychopath.

  It was 1997 and I was up late reading comic books. I had the television on for background noise. I remember seeing David Hasselhoff on the screen and thinking it was another episode of Baywatch. Not feeling the need to see bouncing breasts in slow motion, I went back to reading my comics. Then things got weird. There were vampires. This was Baywatch and The Hoff was going up against vampires. It wasn't till recently that I found out this wasn't a dream. After the first season of Baywatch Nights, the showrunners got an idea. A (I'm assuming) cocaine fueled idea about where they needed to take their show. Cop dramas were out, X-Files was in. Let's put the Baywatch universe up against the paranormal. Out of context this season makes no sense. In context it makes even less sense. How beautiful is that?

  Baywatch Nights is a little more Kolchak than X-Files. That's not a bad thing. Anything that conjures up memories of Darren McGavin will never make my shit list.

The nights will never be the same

  On top of the benefits of its ridiculous premise, Baywatch Nights is graced with one of television's greatest opening credits sequences. The shadow covered form of David Hasselhoff slowly struts through a fog bank as a spotlight shines down on him. A saxophone scores this journey, sounding like a chorus of drunk cats in heat. The smooth jazz score is infused with the power of three hundred pelvic thrusts. It's how I imagine the Sax Man from The Lost Boys sounds whilst making sweet sweet studded love.

Fuck yes I still believe!!

   Now that I have stopped watching the credits and playing air saxophone, I can get on with the meat of this cocaine fueled Hasselhoff stew (it tastes better than it sounds).

  Episode One: TERROR OF THE DEEP

  Right off the bat, The Hoff is shirtless and jumping from a boat to rescue a drowning woman. The man knows his audience. She slips into shock (and not just because she has had full on contact with The Hoff's slightly flabbening body) after screaming something about an ajogun. The Hoff, unfamiliar with the language of Malaysia, thinks nothing of it and goes on with his heroic speed boat patrol. 

   We join The Hoff enjoying some off time, reading a paper. It is at this moment we are introduced to Diamont Teague. Teague is our gateway to the supernatural. He's the believer that sends The Hoff out on these crazy missions. Recognizing the word ajogun, he explains to The Hoff what an ajogun is. I'll use his words to fill you in: "Every culture has one. A legendary creature which is the embodiment of all that is evil. The ajogun is from New Guinea. The fiercest creature from the fiercest culture on the planet." Sure. Whatever. He is the expert. He believes the woman is from a Malaysian freighter ship that sank three weeks ago. A freighter ship which had its last stop in New Guinea before sinking to the ocean floor. The Hoff scoffs at this idea but Teague makes mention of people surviving in air bubbles or something and The Hoff asks his buddy, Griff, if he would be interested in going for a little dive. Teague begins to add on a warning about the ajogun but is cut off by the Hoff. "I don't believe in the tooth fairy or the easter bunny. I'm not buying some New Guinea boogeyman off Catalina." Everybody knows the only good thing to come from Catalina is its fucking wine mixers. Being the hero he is, The Hoff is concerned there may be more survivors. Suck it, Teague.

 Trust him. He's an expert.

   The rest of the episode pretty much takes place within the sunken freighter. Angie Harmon is safe above water on earpiece comm with our boys. They, of course, get trapped when the ajogun attacks. It turns out "the fiercest creature" resembles a homeless man covered in seaweed...so look out for that.  Griff gets bitten and the coast guard gets called in for help. The coast guard (represented by stock footage) takes their sweet ass time coming to the rescue. This leaves The Hoff and Griff trying to figure out how to kill the damn thing. Fire doesn't work, poorly telegraphed hook impalement is a no go, and the usual cigarette and a couple bucks holds no sway. 

    Will our heroes make it out? Will we ever see Angie Harmon in a bikini? Is the ajogun, in fact, a PCP empowered homeless Malaysian man? Will Diamont Teague get his own spin off series where he uses street smarts to foil the nefarious plots carried out by The Hoff's evil, goateed doppleganger? The answer to all but one of these questions is a depressing: "no."

Consensual life saving?

   The promise of "Baywatch vs Monsters" is almost too good to not fail. The first episode does not reach its full potential. In its defense, it had to repilot the whole damn thing. Gone is the private detective character and the crime solving. The mysteries are now supernaturally influenced. New characters are introduced and madness is assured. There are twenty one more episodes in this second and final season. It has a chance to grow. And there is still a chance Angie Harmon will put on a bikini. See you all real soon.

   

10 Christopher Lee Films to Help You Through the Grief

We've Lost A King

   It's natural to feel down when you lose someone you've grown up with. Even if you had never met this person. Sir Christopher Lee has been a part of my life longer than most of my friends. Oddly enough, what I am left with is exactly what I had before he went on to the next adventure. Luckily, Sir Christopher Lee had a vast filmography. The man (now a legend) was in about three million films (don't look that up). So instead of moping around the house, unshaven, unwashed and gorging myself on cookies and cream ice cream, I can celebrate the man's life and career. You should as well. Here are 10 (Merits of Sin approved) films to help you through the grief.

HONORABLE MENTION: Raw Meat (1973)

   An excellent film about a cannibal  searching for food and love under London in the Tube tunnels. It has to be left off the list because Lee's role amounts to little more than a cameo. A fantastic mustachioed cameo but still a cameo.

Nothing Raw about that Flavor Saver

10. Howling II: ...Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)

  A completely stupid movie in the best way possible. The unwanted sequel to the Howling picks up where the first one ended and then stumbles off a cliff into a sea of idiocy. A game Christopher Lee plays an immortal werewolf hunter attempting to take down the queen of the werewolves once and for all. Punk clubs, dwarf werewolf hunters, shitty laser effects, exploding eyeballs and Sybil Danning's breasts all have their place in this trash treat.

Lee + The 80s = Infinite Smiles

9. Horror of Dracula (1958)

  Christopher Lee's Dracula battles with Peter Cushing's Van Helsing in this Hammer classic. Lee plays Dracula as a preternatural creature that is half alpha predator and half sex appeal. It works. My first introduction to this film was from a VHS of vampire film trailers. There is a scene in the trailer for Horror of Dracula that shows Lee slowly ascending a staircase with an inhuman look on his face. His victim awaits him frozen, unable to look away from the monster slowly making his way to her. This scene (at most ten seconds long) scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and has remained with me to this day.

The Transylvania Seal of Approval means it's OK to pee your pants

8.  Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

  Christopher Lee bookends the actual film but I'm throwing it on the list.  Lee claims he recorded his narration for something else and the footage was placed on the beginning and end of Meatcleaver Massacre without his knowledge. It doesn't matter, it adds to the film's nutso charm. Lee rambles on about witchcraft and the occult while sitting in, what I hope is, his actual study at home. I love his scenes because it feels like he is your favorite uncle who has had one too many stiff drinks. In his current state, he has decided it's time he educated his nephew on the wonders and mysteries of the occult. Random folklore and flat out lies are presented as fact but it doesn't matter because you love the man and would never tell him he is full of shit. That's a special relationship.

7.  Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991)

  Not a great movie by even my low standards but it is still worth seeing for Christopher Lee's supporting role as a doctor well versed in curse-ology. The 1950s Africa setting and pissed off machete wielding sea god make this different enough to get a passing grade. Lee's bearded doctor has quite a bit of screen time and a couple of monologues. It's a great example of Christopher Lee elevating a film with his presence.  Bring beer and friends.

6.  The Devil Rides Out (1968)

  A rare (at the time) heroic outing for our man Lee. He plays a master of the occult up against a satanic coven interested in recruiting as many people as they can. Charles Gray (of Rocky Horror Picture Show fame) is terrific as the villainous head of the coven. He and Lee have wonderful chemistry and enhance eachothers performances. Lee as a hero is always great to see.

Wait. You're the good guy?

5. Taste the Blood of Dracula (1970)

  My favorite of the Christopher Lee Dracula series breathes some new life into the worn out tale. Three respectable heads of the community run afoul of Dracula when they murder his loyal servant. Their search for excitement and debauchery puts them in the "deserving" victim role and Dracula's vengeance is something to behold. 

4.  The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

  Christopher Lee plays a Bond villain attempting to harness the power of the sun. If you need more than that, I feel sorry for you.

3.  Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (1965)

  An anthology horror film featuring Christopher Lee under attack from a rival's severed hand. It's as awesome as it sounds. The first horror film I actively seeked out. Well before the internet made it easier, I was rummaging through Mom and Pop video stores and mail order catalogues for this Amicus classic. Years of exploration got me nowhere and admitting defeat was on the horizon until my grandfather recorded it off of late night television. My quest at an end, I remember being worried if all the effort was going to be for nothing. I was foolish to think that. Peter cushing, Michael Gough (as the deceased owner of the murderous appendage) and Donald Sutherland  join Lee in making one of the greatest British horror films to ever warp my young mind.

2. The Mummy (1959)

  My favorite mummy movie (that's more impressive than you think) and my favorite Hammer film. Lee plays the doomed and lovestruck high priest of Princess Ananka. After betraying his pharaoh because of this love he is mummified alive and buried along with the princess. A team of archaeologists disturb his lady love's tomb and he goes on a vengeance fueled rampage. Why must archaeologists always ignore Egyptian curses? Lee's mummy is terrifying, towering over his victims and expressing the best silent rage I've ever viewed. See it, dammit!

1. Horror Express (1972)

  Lee and Cushing play rival anthropologists trying to survive your usual alien possessed caveman-mummy attack aboard the Trans-Siberian Express. Telly Savalas shows up as a violent Kossack and there are blank eyed zombies. Come on! How awesome does that sound? And it is awesome. It's brain meltingly awesome. Damn. I'm gonna miss this man.

I know what you're feeling, buddy