Slasher films are not everyone's cup of tea. Complaints are voiced about the formulaic laziness of the whole damn genre. "You've seen one, you've seen 'em all!' They may be a showcase for clever and sometimes not so clever ways to dispose of horny "teenagers" but all in all they tend towards "by the numbers" scripting. As more Transformers films are produced I say: "who gives a flying fuck?" Sure, these were the guaranteed moneymakers of the early eighties and oversaturation eventually killed them off. Decades later, I have yet to come across an eighties slasher film I hate. I've walked out of a Transformers film and I own more than fifty slasher films. I'm not sure what that says about me but I think we can all agree that Michael Bay can go fuck himself.
Sex Appeal
If anything, The Burning will be remembered as "that slasher flick with George Costanza in it." At least it will be remembered. Tom Savini supplies the special effects so they are pretty damn perfect. It is also formulaic, even at this early stage of the genre. It still remains my all time favorite slasher flick. All the checkpoints are there: boobs, blood, POV shots and a preternatural killer. It also adds some extra spice: recognizable faces, likable characters, Savini, Jason Alexander's first nude scene and a peeping tom named Alfred. If this is the "standard" slasher film then the standard is pretty damn great.
That Ass on the Left....Costanza
There's a hated caretaker at Camp Blackwood and the campers decide to get back at him. A lazy prank leads to third degree burns for Cropsey the caretaker. The term "pants on fire" is taken to a horrifying new place. Cropsey survives... kind of. He's released from the hospital looking like a clay sculpture I made when I was high on LSD and drunk on a few glasses of whiskey. He's pissed and he wants vengeance. First he hires a hooker (do people still us this term or have I been watching too many 70's cop films?) but before they can do the horizontal tango she sees his face and decides she doesn't need the fifteen dollars (I'm being generous). She is brutally murdered with scissors and because Savini is in charge of the deaths it is kind of hard to watch. Realizing he has a knack for murder he decides to head to camp to enact some sweet vengeance on any "teenager" around.
"AAAAAAAAPRIL FOOOO....OH FUCK!!!"
The doomed teens turn out to be pretty damn likable. You have a few jerks but for the most part I didn't want any of these nerdy kids and cute girls to get it. Some of them may have looked like undercover cops trying to fit in with a group of teenage drug dealers but they still had inner beauty. The same even goes for the resident jerk off. There was heart beneath that tough exterior. He was still murdered but Glazer wasn't a complete dick. Alfred may have been a creeper but he wasn't just a creeper. Most of the other "kids" are just your run of the mill late twenties looking teens, joking around and having some fun. They go off on a canoeing/camping trip and that's when Cropsey makes his move. Lost canoes lead to the building of a raft, rafting to get more canoes leads to a memorable massacre and this massacre leads to everyone realizing just how fucked they are.
I Guarantee It....They Are Looking at Butts
Mothers Don't Name Your Son Glazer
Back Off Glazer! I Loved Her First
Sure It Took Her Forty Years but She Finally Made Counsellor
I know I have mentioned Tom Savini a few times already but the man is a master at his craft. The violence is brutal as hell and realistic to boot. This helps in making the deaths poignant and lasting. You watch a man get decapitated with the aid of CGI and you can immediately say "look how stupid that was! Fantastic!" but when you watch these people slaughtered in a completely realistic way you can only mourn for the loss of your crush and your probable D&D partners.
Getting Kids Off LSD Since '81
I love weird cinema. I love trash films. I love garbage that only someone with a damaged brain could find amazing, They're the weird food you've never tried but your more cultured friend forces you to eat. It's a wonderful thing experiencing new tastes but sometimes you should enjoy what you've eaten since you were just a little weirdo. Slasher films are the Taco Bell of my horror genre. Taco Bell can really hit the spot sometimes.
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