Sins on the Horizon

Christopher Lee haunts the bookends of a meatcleaverless horror film, Wisconsin blesses us with the best film ever made about the Christmas season and samurai ghosts, Lil' Tony teaches us a thing or two about scoring with chicks and a still overdue tribute to a piece of technology.

WWE Extreme Rules 2015: An Apology

It's the one night of the year WWE says screw it to PG-era hijinks and delivers PG style extremes.
It's EXTREME RULEZ 2015

                                                             IT'S EXTREME(ish)

First things first, I would like to apologize to the two people who read this blog. I attended a wedding this Saturday and pretty much drank as if prohibition was passing into a law on Sunday. Open bars and workless weekends make dangerous bedfellows. WWE, like most things that frequently hurt and disappoint you, is best enjoyed with the help of alcohol. I was unable to get my drank on due to the prior nights celebrations and my work schedule changing from nights to 5 A.M. starts. I also dozed off a couple times during the event, so this review does not reflect how I'll normally approach WWE events. To you two readers out there, I hope you find my stumbling this soon out of the starting gate charming and endearing.

                                                            maybe next time, fellas

All in all, this year's Extreme Rules was an average program. I'm a bit more forgiving this year because of Wrestlemania 31's complete awesomeness. What follows is a simple breakdown of the event and some random thoughts to go along with 'em.

Extreme Rules Kickoff Show...ummmm...kicked off with Bad News Barrett losing to Neville.

• Both these men are British and they both wear capes. I'm not saying they wrestle in capes (which is something I would like to see) but they wear them out to the ring. This leads me to believe that capes are in fashion all over England. The last wrestler I can remember wearing a cape was the craptastic "super hero" The Hurricane. This will not be the dumbest thing I write in this post
• The match was enjoyable enough. Barrett is on my short list of favorite performers and Neville is quickly high flying his way on to it. 
• This match came to be due to Daniel Bryan not being medically cleared to defend his Intercontinental Title against Barrett. Upon Bryan's return from a horrible neck injury he decided he was going to compete as if he didn't give a crap that one wrong move would send his decapitated head flying into the horrified hands of his adoring public. Seriously, I sometimes look away from the television when he is in a match for fear of witnessing his sudden death.

Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper

• At one point Jerry Lawler stated "anything you might find on the streets or alleys of Chicago" in context to the weapons each competitor could use. It would have been wonderful if instead of the ladders, Kendo sticks and chairs they started pulling out half eaten McDonald's, 20 oz soda bottles filled with disturbingly colored liquids and pigeons...giant, fearless pigeons.
• Ambrose and Harper just whipping pigeons at each other for ten minutes. Sign me up.
• Half way through the match, Harper jumped into a car and Ambrose jumped in after him. They drove off and disappeared into the city. Those crazy wrestlers and their understanding of the no count out clause in the Chicago Street Fight contract.
• They would eventually make it back to finish their match but I bet they had the Chicago experience before their return. Ate some food, almost murdered a dozen bike riders and complained about hipsters while secretly wishing they had that much money to spend on tight jeans and moustache wax.

There was a Kiss Me Arse match. It's when two nearly naked men grapple with each other and the winner of this grapple session is rewarded by receiving a smooch on the buttocks from the loser. It involved two guys I have a lot  respect for: Dolph Ziggler (who used to be an evil cheerleader) and Sheamus (who is basically an Irish viking villain I could see appearing in the pages of NFL SuperPro) Dolph Ziggler won and we all lost.

• After the match, Sheamus refused to kiss Ziggler's arse. Instead he punched him in the dick. This knocked out Ziggler (which is what dick punches do in the WWE) and allowed Sheamus to rub Dolph's face on his butt cheek. We used to pay upwards 60 bucks to order PPVs
• Here is what I would like to see happen: Dolph Ziggler becomes dangerously obsessed with getting Sheamus to kiss his ass. You start out rooting for him and laughing at his bizarre methods to trick the big Irishman into kissing his ass but then things become too bizarre. Ziggler turns into a dark version of The Booty Man (it's from WCW and just as stupid as it sounds) Ziggler's psychosis grows until Mr. Ass and Rikishi (both wrestlers with booty-centric personas) step in and tell him he is taking it too far. John Cena pulls him aside and says something like "America! Respect! America! Are you on grass? Don't want no man to kiss my ass! America." None of it helps. Ziggler finally tricks Sheamus by putting on a red wig, talking in a cartoonishly high Irish accent and convincing him he's Dolph's "hot" sister from the emerald isles and is really into butt kissing. With the dream now realized, Ziggler snaps back into reality and defeats Fake Diesel (see main event) for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. This will all take place over the course of five months.

The Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Tyson Kidd lost their titles to The New Day

• The New Day are a group of black dudes who were in a gospel choir and decided to team up in an attempt to win the WWE Tag Team Championship Titles. They then lost their faith in the Heavenly Father upon the realization that cheating gets them victories. None of this has actually been stated in the WWE but their writing for "non-white wrestlers" is lacking. 
• Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are two dudes who like to listen to music and one of them is a prick, married to (judging by her attire) a barbarian queen from an apocalyptic Mad Maxish future.
• This was the best match of the night. Yes, the gospel choir of cheaters going against the headphone dudes was the best match of the night. It's a mix a different wrestling styles and every damn one of them is going at it like their careers depend on how well they perform tonight.

United States Champion John Cena defeated Rusev in a Russian Chain Match

• A Russian Chain Match is a strap match but instead of a strap , get this, they use a Russian chain. I noticed no difference between a Russian chain and it's counterpart the American chain.
• I enjoy that WWE is doing the 1980s USA vs USSR thing but it is wearing out it's welcome. Especially since Cena can not be killed by contemporary weapons. I know complaining about a Cena victory is like complaining that the film CumBlast City had too many cumblasts in it but I really like the character of the unstoppable Russian menace. 
• This was the most neutered chain match I have ever seen...and have not seen many chain matches

Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella defeated Naomi with the help of her twin sister, Other Bella

• The match moved along at a quick pace. It was no classic but we have seen worse... much worse
• Naomi is a heel. She has boots that light up and she knocks people out with her butthole. I'm thinking her and Ziggler can become an item when he loses his mind to an ass kissing obsession

Roman Reigns defeated Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match

• This was a pleasant surprise. The two guys put on an enjoyable bout that saw many a table destroyed. I have no issue with Roman Reigns but I often dread a Big Show singles bout. I was expecting the worst but was happy to be proven wrong.
• I love Big Show being a giant a-hole and denying the Chicago crowd the table destruction it desperately wanted. He went out of his way to punch a table in half just to be like "no way Chicago! There will be no one going through tables today!" That's just great heel work.

Main Event: World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defeated Randy Orton in a Steel Cage Match. Also, Kane was there.

• This match was pretty meh. Which sucks because I'm a huge fan of Seth Rollins and Randy Orton is one of my favorite seasoned pros. It was just lacking that special something that makes watching WWE worth putting up with all the bullshit.
• There were some cool spots but I don't think they will ever match Wrestlemania's curb stomp fail of greatness.
• Also, the curb stomp has now been banned. Officially they have stated that their is too high a risk of concussion. Unofficially, I believe Vince McMahon finally figured out how to operate his Netflix account, watched American History X and was like: "UH OH!" Just a theory.
• So with every writer forgetting what year it is and deciding to push Kane into the main event picture, here is what I'd like to see happen: the camera sneaks around backstage and finds Kane standing with his back to us. He has long, greasy hair again and Michael Cole is shouting "IS THIS THE RETURN ON THE DEVIL'S FAVORITE DEMON?!?!" but then Kane turns around and instead of a mask he has on shades and is rocking a goatee. BOOM! Fake Diesel returns and defeats Seth Rollins in the main event of  Money in the Bank

Well, that was Extreme Rules 2015 and that's about all I got to say about that

The Don says: No Legs? No Problem! The Amazing Mr. No Legs (1979)

The Cops Want To Get Him

The Mob Wants To Hit Him

But No One Wants To Meet Him Face To Face

Don’t Cross Him Or He’ll Cut You Down To Size

The Amazing Mr. No Legs

I know folks who are not fans of this life we live. They go about their existence angry at the ways of this world and lamenting our time on this planet. I know people like this. Beautiful people with a dark view of the hours and minutes that make up our days. These people do not know The Amazing Mr. No Legs exists. I possess this knowledge and with it in my possession I can wake up every morning with a grin on my face and a song in my heart. The Amazing Mr. No Legs was financed, filmed and released. The world is a beautiful place and everything is going to be ok.

You know you are in good hands when the opening credits roll over two detectives awkwardly beating up some thugs. JOIE CHITWOOD and the Danger Angels flashes across the screen. Alright, movie, you have my heart. I am suddenly greeted by John Agar’s name. I jump right into the refreshing pool of greatness that is The Amazing Mr. No Legs. I’m sinking deep and loving every minute of it.

Mr. No Legs is not the top billed actor of his own film. That honor goes to Richard Jaeckel. Richard Jaeckel was in Grizzly. Me and my friend Larry got drunk one night and watched the hell out of Grizzly. That was a good time. The warm and fuzzy feelings continue.

Mr. No Legs is an enforcer for a crime syndicate. He is introduced much earlier in the film then I thought he would be. Usually you have to wait for characters this awesome.

A guy who looks like me is stealing from the syndicate. He’s supposed to be loading drugs into a truck but he’s keeping some for himself. My doppelganger and his friend think they are some clever mother fuckers. Well, Mr. No Legs is hip to their scheme. My doppelganger gets shot in the back as he runs away from the man in the shotgun mounted wheelchair. I would have done the same and I’d be just as dead.

Now I know you’ve seen plenty of “handicapable” characters in movies. You have not seen Mr. No Legs. Mr. No Legs slaps his dick on those chumps! Along with those mounted shotguns, he has throwing stars in the hub of his wheelchair’s wheels. He uses them to take out a hired goon and he takes out another hired goon using Kung Fu, his stumps and his ass. Do not fuck around with Mr. No Legs!

The plot emerges when a low-level employee of the syndicate accidentally kills his girlfriend. She found his drugs and wants no part of it. He figured the best way to convince her to stay was to push her into his television. She stumbles headfirst into the behemoth of a TV and dies on the spot. Now he needs help and Mr. No Legs knows how to get rid of evidence. There’s just one problem: the dead girl’s brother is a cop.

Bring on detective Jaeckel!

In a bit of a twist, The Jaeckel is not the dead girl’s brother. He’s just good friends with him. Her brother is Detective Andy. Detective Andy looks like SNL era Dan Akroyd. I am immediately a fan of Detective Andy.

Mr. No Legs tries to make it look like Andy’s sister smashed her noggin because of an accidental overdose. The Jaeckel knows bullshit when it is flung his way. His suspicion is proven correct when the police captain (John f’n Agar!) confirms the drugs were put in the dead girl’s system after she died.

With The Jaeckel on the case, Andy hits up a club and tries to drink his sadness away. The Fantastic Mercy are the main act at this club and do very little to cure Andy’s blues. I’m not surprised. A crappy love song being sung by some average blonde woman and some guy who is the spitting image of Francis Buxton from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure may improve my mood but Andy is more grounded in reality. After a night of cuddling with his waitress girlfriend, Andy decides to team up with The Jaeckel and get to the bottom of his sister’s death.

The movie runs its course. Detectives detect, Mr. No Legs wants to run the syndicate, Agar turns out to be corrupt, a transvestite orders another beer and then Andy’s girlfriend says “back to the old clock and dagger.” I want to hug my television.

It all ends with a less than exciting shootout which leads into a fantastically lame car chase. Cars teleport into the scene just in time to be destroyed, dispatch keeps us informed to the locations of the chase and John Agar meets his end by driving full speed into blocks of ice. Yes. Blocks of fucking ice. Justice is served and for ninety minutes heaven existed in the comfort of my home.

There is a lot to love here (a failed corpse theft, car abuse via broadsword, Jaeckel zingers, mustaches, wheelchair push ups, more mustaches) and not much to hate. When a film promises awesomeness with an exploitation heavy title, you usually leave the experience disappointed. The Amazing Mr. No Legs gives a big middle finger to the usual. The film zips along at a nice pace and has that wonderful 70s drive-in energy.

This is a late 70s cop film I can keep coming back to. You should watch it. Your outlook on life will improve, at least for ninety minutes.

My bootleg DVD is in English with Polish subtitles. This would be a dream come true if I had just come over from Poland and didn’t know a word of English. I don’t know any Polish. I think I’m still dreaming.

Sins on the Horizon

The one night of the year WWE goes (kinda) EXTREME, wheelchair bound mob enforcers, excellent mustaches, and a long overdue tribute to a wonderful piece of technology

The Perfect Weapon (1991)

Jeff Speakman is Jeff Sanders in The Perfect Weapon

I don’t know about you weirdos but I would not want to take on the Korean mafia. I didn’t even know there was a Korean mafia but according to Jeff’s mentor, Kim, that is because I’ve never been Korean. It’s a valid point.

Jeff Sanders is a bad ass. How do we know he’s a bad ass? For starters he needs to be reminded to take a water break on the construction site. I’m sure he just drinks water at work to make his boss feel better. I doubt he ever gets dehydrated, bad asses don’t need to worry about dehydration. After this brief glimpse of Jeff’s badassery we are blessed with the opening credits.

ULTIMATE BAD ASS ALERT!

As the credits hit we watch Jeff practice Kenpo Karate by himself in his sad little apartment. “No great shakes!” you may think but you’d be so god damn wrong. Jeff practices Kenpo Karate by himself in his sad little apartment to The Power by Snap. Jesus. Such a bad ass.

After a phone call to his old mentor ends with Korean mafia interruption Jeff decides to head home. Cue flashback. Jeff had problematic teenage years due to his mother’s death. Teen angst leads to learning discipline through Kenpo Karate. Things are going well and young Jeff is on his way to Kenpo greatness when his wise ass little brother mouths off to the wrong high school football player. After accidentally almost killing the athlete, his police officer father wants him out of his house. I’m not sure how much of an accident it is when you repeatedly kick a man in the head. Even if he is wearing a helmet.

Our hero heads off after a quick stop by the dojo and a brief lesson in needing to be more like a dragon (walk away from ass bag jock) and less like a tiger (repeatedly kicking ass bag jock in his stupid helmeted head). Taking this knowledge with him, our hero turns to the romantic experiences that only the life of a drifting construction worker can bring.

One flashback filled car ride later and Jeff is home. He finds that his old mentor is not one to be bullied by the Korean mafia. His shop will not be a storage place for drugs and prostitutes. I know very little about the proper storage of drugs and nothing about prostitute storage. I’m so green I didn’t even know they kept prostitutes stored in the back of Korean antique shops. Anyways, Jeff offers to help his old mentor but is told not to interfere.

Well maybe a little interference would have helped, the old mentor gets his proud ass murdered. If he had stood his ground and the Korean mafia had backed down then our heroic drifter would have no one to avenge. Without a reason for vengeance he’d just be some white guy who likes to do karate in tight jeans and fuck around with the Korean mafia. I’d still watch that movie but Jeff would be far less justified in his actions.

Now that the mentor is dead we can get acquainted with the rest of the cast.

• Adam: The detective on the mentor’s murder case. He’s also our hero’s younger brother. He has pretty fantastic hair, which would only become more fantastic when he acted on Touched by an Angel
• Jimmy: The old mentor’s new project. He’s a kid from the streets that can bond with Jeff because both their mom’s died. He is played by Rufio from Hook. He does not have his awesome red rooster Mohawk yet but I’m willing to forgive him. His mentor did just die
• Tanaka: He’s the Korean mafia’s assassin. He assassinates by lethal head-butt. How fucking cool is that?!? I don’t have anything to say about his hair
• Yung: Yung is played by James Hong who played Cassandra’s dad from Wayne’s World 2. He is one of the heads of the Korean mafia. He wants you to think he is one of the good kind of Korean mafia bosses but since it is James Hong we know he’s the main villain.

Yung tries to convince Jeff he was friends with his old mentor and vengeance is due to the other bosses. Well, Jeff figures out pretty damn quick that Yung is the one who deserves to be sprayed with hot vengeance. And sprayed he shall be. Jeff heads to the final showdown destined for victory because he is some crazy stranger also known as the perfect weapon. That is seriously the definition they give in this film. With such low standards I am one drunken wandering away from becoming the perfect weapon.

The Perfect Weapon is a slight and sadly unambitious early nineties action flick. It has its moments but rarely rises above anything the genre has to offer. It drops an interesting and often used sub-plot (the real villain manipulating the hero to take out his competition) almost as soon as it introduces it and under utilizes the impressive (by early nineties white karate guy action movie standards) cast.

There is some awesomeness on display (opening credits, James Hong, killer head-butts, Jeff’s ever present five o’clock shadow) and some oddness (tension at the bank drive up window, karate fighting in tight jeans, killer head-butts) but it’s not enough to make it above average. Give it a watch but bring along some beer and a few like-minded individuals.

Olive Films released The Perfect Weapon on Blu-ray earlier this year. Olive Films also released The Boogens on Blu-ray. Olive Films forever has my gratitude.