It's EXTREME RULEZ 2015
First things first, I would like to apologize to the two people who read this blog. I attended a wedding this Saturday and pretty much drank as if prohibition was passing into a law on Sunday. Open bars and workless weekends make dangerous bedfellows. WWE, like most things that frequently hurt and disappoint you, is best enjoyed with the help of alcohol. I was unable to get my drank on due to the prior nights celebrations and my work schedule changing from nights to 5 A.M. starts. I also dozed off a couple times during the event, so this review does not reflect how I'll normally approach WWE events. To you two readers out there, I hope you find my stumbling this soon out of the starting gate charming and endearing.
All in all, this year's Extreme Rules was an average program. I'm a bit more forgiving this year because of Wrestlemania 31's complete awesomeness. What follows is a simple breakdown of the event and some random thoughts to go along with 'em.
Extreme Rules Kickoff Show...ummmm...kicked off with Bad News Barrett losing to Neville.
- Both these men are British and they both wear capes. I'm not saying they wrestle in capes (which is something I would like to see) but they wear them out to the ring. This leads me to believe that capes are in fashion all over England. The last wrestler I can remember wearing a cape was the craptastic "super hero" The Hurricane. This will not be the dumbest thing I write in this post
- The match was enjoyable enough. Barrett is on my short list of favorite performers and Neville is quickly high flying his way on to it.
- This match came to be due to Daniel Bryan not being medically cleared to defend his Intercontinental Title against Barrett. Upon Bryan's return from a horrible neck injury he decided he was going to compete as if he didn't give a crap that one wrong move would send his decapitated head flying into the horrified hands of his adoring public. Seriously, I sometimes look away from the television when he is in a match for fear of witnessing his sudden death.
Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper
- At one point Jerry Lawler stated "anything you might find on the streets or alleys of Chicago" in context to the weapons each competitor could use. It would have been wonderful if instead of the ladders, Kendo sticks and chairs they started pulling out half eaten McDonald's, 20 oz soda bottles filled with disturbingly colored liquids and pigeons...giant, fearless pigeons.
- Ambrose and Harper just whipping pigeons at each other for ten minutes. Sign me up.
- Half way through the match, Harper jumped into a car and Ambrose jumped in after him. They drove off and disappeared into the city. Those crazy wrestlers and their understanding of the no count out clause in the Chicago Street Fight contract.
- They would eventually make it back to finish their match but I bet they had the Chicago experience before their return. Ate some food, almost murdered a dozen bike riders and complained about hipsters while secretly wishing they had that much money to spend on tight jeans and moustache wax.
- After the match, Sheamus refused to kiss Ziggler's arse. Instead he punched him in the dick. This knocked out Ziggler (which is what dick punches do in the WWE) and allowed Sheamus to rub Dolph's face on his butt cheek. We used to pay upwards 60 bucks to order PPVs
- Here is what I would like to see happen: Dolph Ziggler becomes dangerously obsessed with getting Sheamus to kiss his ass. You start out rooting for him and laughing at his bizarre methods to trick the big Irishman into kissing his ass but then things become too bizarre. Ziggler turns into a dark version of The Booty Man (it's from WCW and just as stupid as it sounds) Ziggler's psychosis grows until Mr. Ass and Rikishi (both wrestlers with booty-centric personas) step in and tell him he is taking it too far. John Cena pulls him aside and says something like "America! Respect! America! Are you on grass? Don't want no man to kiss my ass! America." None of it helps. Ziggler finally tricks Sheamus by putting on a red wig, talking in a cartoonishly high Irish accent and convincing him he's Dolph's "hot" sister from the emerald isles and is really into butt kissing. With the dream now realized, Ziggler snaps back into reality and defeats Fake Diesel (see main event) for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. This will all take place over the course of five months.
- The New Day are a group of black dudes who were in a gospel choir and decided to team up in an attempt to win the WWE Tag Team Championship Titles. They then lost their faith in the Heavenly Father upon the realization that cheating gets them victories. None of this has actually been stated in the WWE but their writing for "non-white wrestlers" is lacking.
- Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are two dudes who like to listen to music and one of them is a prick, married to (judging by her attire) a barbarian queen from an apocalyptic Mad Maxish future.
- This was the best match of the night. Yes, the gospel choir of cheaters going against the headphone dudes was the best match of the night. It's a mix a different wrestling styles and every damn one of them is going at it like their careers depend on how well they perform tonight.
United States Champion John Cena defeated Rusev in a Russian Chain Match
- A Russian Chain Match is a strap match but instead of a strap , get this, they use a Russian chain. I noticed no difference between a Russian chain and it's counterpart the American chain.
- I enjoy that WWE is doing the 1980s USA vs USSR thing but it is wearing out it's welcome. Especially since Cena can not be killed by contemporary weapons. I know complaining about a Cena victory is like complaining that the film CumBlast City had too many cumblasts in it but I really like the character of the unstoppable Russian menace.
- This was the most neutered chain match I have ever seen...and have not seen many chain matches
- The match moved along at a quick pace. It was no classic but we have seen worse... much worse
- Naomi is a heel. She has boots that light up and she knocks people out with her butthole. I'm thinking her and Ziggler can become an item when he loses his mind to an ass kissing obsession
- This was a pleasant surprise. The two guys put on an enjoyable bout that saw many a table destroyed. I have no issue with Roman Reigns but I often dread a Big Show singles bout. I was expecting the worst but was happy to be proven wrong.
- I love Big Show being a giant a-hole and denying the Chicago crowd the table destruction it desperately wanted. He went out of his way to punch a table in half just to be like "no way Chicago! There will be no one going through tables today!" That's just great heel work.
- This match was pretty meh. Which sucks because I'm a huge fan of Seth Rollins and Randy Orton is one of my favorite seasoned pros. It was just lacking that special something that makes watching WWE worth putting up with all the bullshit.
- There were some cool spots but I don't think they will ever match Wrestlemania's curb stomp fail of greatness.
- Also, the curb stomp has now been banned. Officially they have stated that their is too high a risk of concussion. Unofficially, I believe Vince McMahon finally figured out how to operate his Netflix account, watched American History X and was like: "UH OH!" Just a theory.
- So with every writer forgetting what year it is and deciding to push Kane into the main event picture, here is what I'd like to see happen: the camera sneaks around backstage and finds Kane standing with his back to us. He has long, greasy hair again and Michael Cole is shouting "IS THIS THE RETURN ON THE DEVIL'S FAVORITE DEMON?!?!" but then Kane turns around and instead of a mask he has on shades and is rocking a goatee. BOOM! Fake Diesel returns and defeats Seth Rollins in the main event of Money in the Bank
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