The Don says: No Legs? No Problem! The Amazing Mr. No Legs (1979)

The Cops Want To Get Him

The Mob Wants To Hit Him

But No One Wants To Meet Him Face To Face

Don’t Cross Him Or He’ll Cut You Down To Size

The Amazing Mr. No Legs

I know folks who are not fans of this life we live. They go about their existence angry at the ways of this world and lamenting our time on this planet. I know people like this. Beautiful people with a dark view of the hours and minutes that make up our days. These people do not know The Amazing Mr. No Legs exists. I possess this knowledge and with it in my possession I can wake up every morning with a grin on my face and a song in my heart. The Amazing Mr. No Legs was financed, filmed and released. The world is a beautiful place and everything is going to be ok.

You know you are in good hands when the opening credits roll over two detectives awkwardly beating up some thugs. JOIE CHITWOOD and the Danger Angels flashes across the screen. Alright, movie, you have my heart. I am suddenly greeted by John Agar’s name. I jump right into the refreshing pool of greatness that is The Amazing Mr. No Legs. I’m sinking deep and loving every minute of it.

Mr. No Legs is not the top billed actor of his own film. That honor goes to Richard Jaeckel. Richard Jaeckel was in Grizzly. Me and my friend Larry got drunk one night and watched the hell out of Grizzly. That was a good time. The warm and fuzzy feelings continue.

Mr. No Legs is an enforcer for a crime syndicate. He is introduced much earlier in the film then I thought he would be. Usually you have to wait for characters this awesome.

A guy who looks like me is stealing from the syndicate. He’s supposed to be loading drugs into a truck but he’s keeping some for himself. My doppelganger and his friend think they are some clever mother fuckers. Well, Mr. No Legs is hip to their scheme. My doppelganger gets shot in the back as he runs away from the man in the shotgun mounted wheelchair. I would have done the same and I’d be just as dead.

Now I know you’ve seen plenty of “handicapable” characters in movies. You have not seen Mr. No Legs. Mr. No Legs slaps his dick on those chumps! Along with those mounted shotguns, he has throwing stars in the hub of his wheelchair’s wheels. He uses them to take out a hired goon and he takes out another hired goon using Kung Fu, his stumps and his ass. Do not fuck around with Mr. No Legs!

The plot emerges when a low-level employee of the syndicate accidentally kills his girlfriend. She found his drugs and wants no part of it. He figured the best way to convince her to stay was to push her into his television. She stumbles headfirst into the behemoth of a TV and dies on the spot. Now he needs help and Mr. No Legs knows how to get rid of evidence. There’s just one problem: the dead girl’s brother is a cop.

Bring on detective Jaeckel!

In a bit of a twist, The Jaeckel is not the dead girl’s brother. He’s just good friends with him. Her brother is Detective Andy. Detective Andy looks like SNL era Dan Akroyd. I am immediately a fan of Detective Andy.

Mr. No Legs tries to make it look like Andy’s sister smashed her noggin because of an accidental overdose. The Jaeckel knows bullshit when it is flung his way. His suspicion is proven correct when the police captain (John f’n Agar!) confirms the drugs were put in the dead girl’s system after she died.

With The Jaeckel on the case, Andy hits up a club and tries to drink his sadness away. The Fantastic Mercy are the main act at this club and do very little to cure Andy’s blues. I’m not surprised. A crappy love song being sung by some average blonde woman and some guy who is the spitting image of Francis Buxton from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure may improve my mood but Andy is more grounded in reality. After a night of cuddling with his waitress girlfriend, Andy decides to team up with The Jaeckel and get to the bottom of his sister’s death.

The movie runs its course. Detectives detect, Mr. No Legs wants to run the syndicate, Agar turns out to be corrupt, a transvestite orders another beer and then Andy’s girlfriend says “back to the old clock and dagger.” I want to hug my television.

It all ends with a less than exciting shootout which leads into a fantastically lame car chase. Cars teleport into the scene just in time to be destroyed, dispatch keeps us informed to the locations of the chase and John Agar meets his end by driving full speed into blocks of ice. Yes. Blocks of fucking ice. Justice is served and for ninety minutes heaven existed in the comfort of my home.

There is a lot to love here (a failed corpse theft, car abuse via broadsword, Jaeckel zingers, mustaches, wheelchair push ups, more mustaches) and not much to hate. When a film promises awesomeness with an exploitation heavy title, you usually leave the experience disappointed. The Amazing Mr. No Legs gives a big middle finger to the usual. The film zips along at a nice pace and has that wonderful 70s drive-in energy.

This is a late 70s cop film I can keep coming back to. You should watch it. Your outlook on life will improve, at least for ninety minutes.

My bootleg DVD is in English with Polish subtitles. This would be a dream come true if I had just come over from Poland and didn’t know a word of English. I don’t know any Polish. I think I’m still dreaming.