The Dark Side of Real Estate Sales

Blood Lake (1987)

The last vacation I took with "da boyz" was probably 5 years ago.  Just a handful of idiots getting drunk till the sun came up and the bonfire was reduced to a lump of smoldering remains. A little fishing, a few gallons of cheap beer and a chance to get away from the people and jobs driving us crazy. We didn't have a care in the world. We also didn't have a Lil' Tony. It was our loss.

After the poorly staged murder of a groundskeeper, Blood Lake begins it's assault on your idea of vacations. Opening credits roll to the hard rock sounds of Voyager. Bleeding Skull's Joseph A. Ziemba described the music of Voyager as "butt metal". In the history of music there has never been a more spot on genre label. A traveling montage and Voyager combine to completely turn you off to the notion of Blood Lake being an accomplished 80 minutes of film making. Luckily, we're not here for accomplished filmmaking. We're in shot on video (SOV) country, and I will tell you right now that this country is vast and full of wonder.

Grab your buds, bring your babes, and prep your boat. Some prime property for a bad ass vacation just became available. To quote our hero it's "a real party house". It's actually just his girlfriend's father's lake house but with enough beer, any house can be a real party house. Test it out. It's true. They have their beer and they have their place to drink it in but it still feels like I'm forgetting something. Lil' Tony! They have brought along Lil' Tony. He's our hero's younger brother and he's a mulleted piece of shit. But in the best way possible. Lil' Tony has a sex fixation and no filter. Lil' Tony is that person you knew in 7th grade who was always on the hunt for porn and talked endlessly about boobs. Sure he could be annoying but he also had some damn funny jokes. It was the perfect mix of wanting to slap the shit out of him and wanting him to be around because he was completely out of line. This is Lil' Tony and this is his movie.

                                                          Lil' Tony. Big Dreams

The characters have been introduced and we have had glimpses of the bearded, cowboy boot wearing murderer. The vacationers are doing exactly what they planned on doing. Drinking beer, making sexual innuendos, participating in frat boy humor and experiencing the excitement of unloading a boat.... in real time! If you're thinking this sounds boring; don't worry, you're about to be hit with a water skiing montage. And do you know what a water skiing montage means? MORE VOYAGER!!! The kids are feeling good to the sweet sounds of Voyager's "Feelin Fine". After that ends we are not allowed to catch our breaths as we get hit in the face with a game of quarters, also played in real time! Blood Lake don't give a shit. You are a part of this vacation whether you like it or not.

                                                Action? Yeah. We got that covered


Sadly, the party must always end. This party is no different. Two boys that befriended the group of vacationers and joined in on all the funfair and drinking are the first to fall. After water skiing they noticed a fat, bearded man checking out the "real party house". These two skinny weiners somehow managed to scare him off with shit talk. For this, they die first. Slightly inebriated and pumped up about their toughness, they make the mistake of stumbling home.  They never arrive. But they do leave us with this small piece of dialogue to remember them by:

Blonde weiner: "Man, next time we come down here we need to bring some chicks with us!"

Other weiner: "Yeeeeeaaaaah. That'd be great. Sure as hell wouldn't be out here fishing."

Blonde weiner "No shit! We'd be diving......MUFF DIVING!"

Godspeed, you angels. Your time on this earth was far too short.

Those first murders take place at almost fifty minutes into the running time. Sure, we saw the groundskeeper get his but it happened off screen and is pretty much forgotten by the time Lil' Tony shows up grinning like the smart ass he is. The core group is targeted next and the "real party house" is to blame. Apparently the bearded, cowboy boot wearing fat man is owed money for the sale of the place. Daddy never paid. It's another case of real estate debt leading to murder.

Becky (the girlfriend) and Lil' Tony end up hanging from a rope in the shed out back, held at knifepoint.  Luckily, our hero, comes to the rescue. The struggle that ensues is as exciting as you'd expect from a film where real estate debt is the motivation for murder. More importantly, we learn that Becky is an afterthought when it comes to the safety of Lil' Tony. I can't say I disagree. The supposedly dead killer vanishes and we cut to a scene of a cowboy hat wearing man surveying where the lake once was. Voyager plays as the man walks and as the camera shoots the dried up lake from various angles. Before the end credits roll this text appears on the screen:

AMEN

SOV films are to be enjoyed with a certain level of understanding. Some of us find the lack of scripting and "family vacation tape" quality charming. Some of you will not and will probably hit me many times if you tracked down Blood Lake because of this review. I apologize for nothing.

And Now a Message From Lil' Slugger

                                                    Lil' Slugger (before the incident)



"Howdy Folks!!! My pops has been pretty darn busy what with the workin and holiday drinkin. His g'night kisses smell like my coaches sleepy coffee. But I'm here to let ya know that he has been a watchin some great films and will be reviewing them but good! (My pops, not my coach. My coach has no time for movie watching. Divorces and coffee breaks take up most of his time). So check back real soon, have some laughs and hopefully learn a thing or two!"

Samurai & Orgasms... Wisconsin Style!

Blood Beat (1982)

Liam Gallagher once sang "Back beat. Word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out." If he had said "Blood Beat" I would still be writing he and his brother hate mail. Blood Beat's heart is burning with fire. The kind of fire brought about by a handle of cheap whiskey and a couple bumps of booger sugar.   As it is, Oasis never made my shit list and Blood Beat never became "that one movie the Gallagher brothers sang about." Is anybody better off? Does this opening paragraph make any sense? Welcome to the wonderful world of Blood Beat!

Christmas has come to Wisconsin. More importantly, orgasm inducing samurai-ghost murders have made the trip as well. Ted, his sister Dolly and his girlfriend Sarah have all made the journey home. His painter mother Cathy and her bearded boyfriend Gary are playing host. We first meet the epically bearded Gary as he bow hunts a deer. Sarah meets Gary as he guts the main ingredient of deer stew. Failed bloody handshakes and general holiday excitement take a back seat to mom's obvious disdain for Sarah. Something is going on and judging by the looks mom gives to Sarah its either psychic tension or severe constipation. Based on all the blue and orange optical effects that eventually manifest, it is the former. Although, I've never had severe constipation, so I may be wrong.

                                                 I Am All That is Man....I Am GARY

Things play out exactly as you would expect them to during a dreary Wisconsin winter. Ted tries, for what seems like an eternity, to bang Sarah when she's settling in to the guest room, Cathy goes super creepy and psychically watches her son try to bang Sarah, ma's hands become possessed, those orange and blue optical effects make an appearance and Ted shows off his rifle around the old Christmas tree. Just your usual winter in the Badger State.

The cracks begin to widen when Sarah finds a samurai helmet in her bedroom. Her curiosity turns to fear when it magically vanishes from the room. It turns out she is, much like mom, psychic. The fragile reality of this film slowly unravels. Up to this point Blood Beat has been slightly off. It drags a little as it moves along. You figure on it being a weird little film that gave it's best yet failed to entertain. Then a displaced Chicago Bears Superfan looking man shows up. Buckle your safety belt, all hell is about break loose.

                                                Hurricane Ditka got nothin' on Blood Beat

The appearance of the superfan is the catalyst to the awesomeness of Blood Beat. He shows up and so does the blue light radiating samurai-ghost. The phantom attacks him. He runs and jumps through a window in SLOW MOTION! His death causes Sarah to have multiple orgasms. How is she connected to the blue light spectre? Fuck if I know! All I know is we just witnessed the first ever masturbation triggered ghost samurai attack in Wisconsin history. Blood Beat deserves every accolade because of this fact.

After that little segment of Heaven passes you can just sit back and enjoy the brain meltingly confusing climax. More murders trigger more Sarah orgasms, the kitchen attacks Gary with food and a can of TAB, EVERYONE IS PSYCHIC,  good magic and evil magic clash, stock footage roles and fucking LASERS happen! When the credits finally hit, the best thing to do is scoop up your brains and get on with your life. Don't dwell on Blood Beat. Don't look for answers. That will only lead to nosebleeds. Just  let it be.

Gary said it best: "Even the good old boys get fed up." And if that is the one discernible lesson you can take from Blood Beat, then I think we'll be more appreciative people. It's also possible this movie broke my brain and I'm just a rambling idiot. Perhaps we're all better off.

Poopers, Bootlegs and False Advertising: A Foggy Recollection of a Massacre

Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

YouTube is wonderful. And no, smartass, it’s not like I just discovered it. I did just discover that Meatcleaver Massacre was available on it. I assure you, this is a good thing. Let the joyous memories flow.

As older fans of horror can and probably will tell you (hundreds of times) before the internet was a globe encompassing beast, we had a rough time snatching up hard to find movies. Through video stores and usually the awesome weirdos that worked at these video stores we would sometimes get lucky. VHS tapes (giant black things that brought hours of joy before degrading in quality, ruining the very machine you needed to view them with and destroying your weekend plans of Fulci film marathons) were one’s passport to weird and extreme worlds. And those wonderful weirdos behind the counter of your local mom and pop video stores were the gatekeepers.

Before I became an employee, I was a faithful customer to my local video shop. Recognition and horror talk got me in close to the high school senior who worked behind the counter on Friday and Saturday nights. This led to his bootleg discoveries being passed on to me. Wonderful bootlegs of various (mostly awful) quality. I’m not complaining, it’s something I honestly love and miss about the pre-internet horror film experience. Now, the point of all this rambling. I watched a shitty copy of Meatcleaver Massacre on a bootleg VHS sometime before I graduated high school. I watched a (barely) less shitty copy of Meatcleaver Massacre on YouTube about a month ago. My recollections of this film are just as muddy and indecipherable as they have been for the last few years between viewings. It’s supposed to be this way. That’s how amazing this movie is.

I remember some things going into my YouTube viewing. There are no meat cleavers in this film. I remember that, at least I think I remember that. Scenes that may or may not be real flash into existence. I remember Sean and his odd hair, I remember interesting facial grooming on the detectives, Christopher Lee rambling and, of course, I remember Poopers. Lovable old Poopers.

The soothing voice of horror, Christopher Lee, welcomes us to the film. He talks of death, evil spirits and the afterlife. It all has something to do with, most likely, nothing. It doesn’t matter. Christopher Lee was there. I’m sure of it. He rambles and then the movie begins. Sir Christopher Lee does not participate in the actual film. He’s just another passenger caught up in the Meatcleaver Massacre road trip.

A professor talks about Morak. Morak is a demonic entity that can be called into reality for the sole purpose of vengeance.  Morak is also known as The Great Avenger. A wise student chimes in “Yeah. Like Batman” Instead of ignoring his idiotic student, who should have gone with Ghost Rider and not a crime hating vigilante, the professor replies “Like a super-Batman, if you wish.” Fuck. This movie has all the answers.  

Morak will come into play soon enough. One of the professor’s students, a punk by the name of Mason, really disagrees with the professor that Morak may exist. Mason, being the complete asshole that he is, decides he can’t let his professor’s belief go. He and his group of no-goodniks decide to take a trip out to the professor’s house. I can only assume it’s a typical night over at Mr. Professor’s home. The professor is quietly reading, his son is making a sandwich, his daughter is taking a shower and his wife is letting out the loyal family dog Poopers. Mason and his gang of ne’er-do-wells arrive and are about to cause some mischief. Probably freak out the family with some old fashioned pranks. Then they killed poopers and all bets were off.

The family soon joins Poopers in whatever heaven he went to. The son is strangled, the wife is, I think, murdered by the correct use of the Mandible Claw and the daughter is bludgeoned with… well something. The print is very dark and outside of the strangulation you’re kind of left guessing how the family was done in. Mr. Professor was also bludgeoned but lives. He’s in a coma and unresponsive but still able to summon Morak for some sweet vengeance.

At this point, your average horror film would follow the simple arch of comeuppance. This is not your average film. Something else is at play here. Sure, it follows the conventions but it also has them unfold with the logic of a lunatic. The gang of murderers meets up at a comedy show. A show involving Peter Falk impressions and hairdresser hatred. Someone is murdered by possessed cacti while hiking through the desert. A man attempts to commit suicide but upon seeing he’s late for work figures slitting his wrists can wait. Sex is also put off for work. People are massacred but no meat cleavers are used. The lunatic follows his own logic and the movie benefits from it.

I sink deeper into the haze of this film. False scares and dream sequences further bend my sanity. The audio plays tricks on me. It slips in and out; sometimes the music drowns the dialogue. Dialogue written by an alien race that sat in on the marijuana induced ramblings of two twenty year old philosophy majors. Moments in time disappear, lost forever to the shadowy world of Meatcleaver Massacre or were simply butter knifed out by an insane editor. The movie ends and Christopher Lee returns. He talks about a shaman convention. Shortly after, he uses the term "Abracadabracle" This film has cast a spell on me.

                                                       Wait....maybe it's.....uhm...nope

Meatcleaver Massacre is a dream. No. Meatcleaver Massacre is a memory viewed through a thick fog. The images dance and briefly take shape but then disappear into the ether. Am I giving this movie too much credit? Maybe, but I think Poopers would disagree.

Sins on the Horizon

Christopher Lee haunts the bookends of a meatcleaverless horror film, Wisconsin blesses us with the best film ever made about the Christmas season and samurai ghosts, Lil' Tony teaches us a thing or two about scoring with chicks and a still overdue tribute to a piece of technology.

WWE Extreme Rules 2015: An Apology

It's the one night of the year WWE says screw it to PG-era hijinks and delivers PG style extremes.
It's EXTREME RULEZ 2015

                                                             IT'S EXTREME(ish)

First things first, I would like to apologize to the two people who read this blog. I attended a wedding this Saturday and pretty much drank as if prohibition was passing into a law on Sunday. Open bars and workless weekends make dangerous bedfellows. WWE, like most things that frequently hurt and disappoint you, is best enjoyed with the help of alcohol. I was unable to get my drank on due to the prior nights celebrations and my work schedule changing from nights to 5 A.M. starts. I also dozed off a couple times during the event, so this review does not reflect how I'll normally approach WWE events. To you two readers out there, I hope you find my stumbling this soon out of the starting gate charming and endearing.

                                                            maybe next time, fellas

All in all, this year's Extreme Rules was an average program. I'm a bit more forgiving this year because of Wrestlemania 31's complete awesomeness. What follows is a simple breakdown of the event and some random thoughts to go along with 'em.

Extreme Rules Kickoff Show...ummmm...kicked off with Bad News Barrett losing to Neville.

• Both these men are British and they both wear capes. I'm not saying they wrestle in capes (which is something I would like to see) but they wear them out to the ring. This leads me to believe that capes are in fashion all over England. The last wrestler I can remember wearing a cape was the craptastic "super hero" The Hurricane. This will not be the dumbest thing I write in this post
• The match was enjoyable enough. Barrett is on my short list of favorite performers and Neville is quickly high flying his way on to it. 
• This match came to be due to Daniel Bryan not being medically cleared to defend his Intercontinental Title against Barrett. Upon Bryan's return from a horrible neck injury he decided he was going to compete as if he didn't give a crap that one wrong move would send his decapitated head flying into the horrified hands of his adoring public. Seriously, I sometimes look away from the television when he is in a match for fear of witnessing his sudden death.

Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper

• At one point Jerry Lawler stated "anything you might find on the streets or alleys of Chicago" in context to the weapons each competitor could use. It would have been wonderful if instead of the ladders, Kendo sticks and chairs they started pulling out half eaten McDonald's, 20 oz soda bottles filled with disturbingly colored liquids and pigeons...giant, fearless pigeons.
• Ambrose and Harper just whipping pigeons at each other for ten minutes. Sign me up.
• Half way through the match, Harper jumped into a car and Ambrose jumped in after him. They drove off and disappeared into the city. Those crazy wrestlers and their understanding of the no count out clause in the Chicago Street Fight contract.
• They would eventually make it back to finish their match but I bet they had the Chicago experience before their return. Ate some food, almost murdered a dozen bike riders and complained about hipsters while secretly wishing they had that much money to spend on tight jeans and moustache wax.

There was a Kiss Me Arse match. It's when two nearly naked men grapple with each other and the winner of this grapple session is rewarded by receiving a smooch on the buttocks from the loser. It involved two guys I have a lot  respect for: Dolph Ziggler (who used to be an evil cheerleader) and Sheamus (who is basically an Irish viking villain I could see appearing in the pages of NFL SuperPro) Dolph Ziggler won and we all lost.

• After the match, Sheamus refused to kiss Ziggler's arse. Instead he punched him in the dick. This knocked out Ziggler (which is what dick punches do in the WWE) and allowed Sheamus to rub Dolph's face on his butt cheek. We used to pay upwards 60 bucks to order PPVs
• Here is what I would like to see happen: Dolph Ziggler becomes dangerously obsessed with getting Sheamus to kiss his ass. You start out rooting for him and laughing at his bizarre methods to trick the big Irishman into kissing his ass but then things become too bizarre. Ziggler turns into a dark version of The Booty Man (it's from WCW and just as stupid as it sounds) Ziggler's psychosis grows until Mr. Ass and Rikishi (both wrestlers with booty-centric personas) step in and tell him he is taking it too far. John Cena pulls him aside and says something like "America! Respect! America! Are you on grass? Don't want no man to kiss my ass! America." None of it helps. Ziggler finally tricks Sheamus by putting on a red wig, talking in a cartoonishly high Irish accent and convincing him he's Dolph's "hot" sister from the emerald isles and is really into butt kissing. With the dream now realized, Ziggler snaps back into reality and defeats Fake Diesel (see main event) for the World Heavyweight Championship Title. This will all take place over the course of five months.

The Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Tyson Kidd lost their titles to The New Day

• The New Day are a group of black dudes who were in a gospel choir and decided to team up in an attempt to win the WWE Tag Team Championship Titles. They then lost their faith in the Heavenly Father upon the realization that cheating gets them victories. None of this has actually been stated in the WWE but their writing for "non-white wrestlers" is lacking. 
• Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are two dudes who like to listen to music and one of them is a prick, married to (judging by her attire) a barbarian queen from an apocalyptic Mad Maxish future.
• This was the best match of the night. Yes, the gospel choir of cheaters going against the headphone dudes was the best match of the night. It's a mix a different wrestling styles and every damn one of them is going at it like their careers depend on how well they perform tonight.

United States Champion John Cena defeated Rusev in a Russian Chain Match

• A Russian Chain Match is a strap match but instead of a strap , get this, they use a Russian chain. I noticed no difference between a Russian chain and it's counterpart the American chain.
• I enjoy that WWE is doing the 1980s USA vs USSR thing but it is wearing out it's welcome. Especially since Cena can not be killed by contemporary weapons. I know complaining about a Cena victory is like complaining that the film CumBlast City had too many cumblasts in it but I really like the character of the unstoppable Russian menace. 
• This was the most neutered chain match I have ever seen...and have not seen many chain matches

Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella defeated Naomi with the help of her twin sister, Other Bella

• The match moved along at a quick pace. It was no classic but we have seen worse... much worse
• Naomi is a heel. She has boots that light up and she knocks people out with her butthole. I'm thinking her and Ziggler can become an item when he loses his mind to an ass kissing obsession

Roman Reigns defeated Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match

• This was a pleasant surprise. The two guys put on an enjoyable bout that saw many a table destroyed. I have no issue with Roman Reigns but I often dread a Big Show singles bout. I was expecting the worst but was happy to be proven wrong.
• I love Big Show being a giant a-hole and denying the Chicago crowd the table destruction it desperately wanted. He went out of his way to punch a table in half just to be like "no way Chicago! There will be no one going through tables today!" That's just great heel work.

Main Event: World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defeated Randy Orton in a Steel Cage Match. Also, Kane was there.

• This match was pretty meh. Which sucks because I'm a huge fan of Seth Rollins and Randy Orton is one of my favorite seasoned pros. It was just lacking that special something that makes watching WWE worth putting up with all the bullshit.
• There were some cool spots but I don't think they will ever match Wrestlemania's curb stomp fail of greatness.
• Also, the curb stomp has now been banned. Officially they have stated that their is too high a risk of concussion. Unofficially, I believe Vince McMahon finally figured out how to operate his Netflix account, watched American History X and was like: "UH OH!" Just a theory.
• So with every writer forgetting what year it is and deciding to push Kane into the main event picture, here is what I'd like to see happen: the camera sneaks around backstage and finds Kane standing with his back to us. He has long, greasy hair again and Michael Cole is shouting "IS THIS THE RETURN ON THE DEVIL'S FAVORITE DEMON?!?!" but then Kane turns around and instead of a mask he has on shades and is rocking a goatee. BOOM! Fake Diesel returns and defeats Seth Rollins in the main event of  Money in the Bank

Well, that was Extreme Rules 2015 and that's about all I got to say about that

The Don says: No Legs? No Problem! The Amazing Mr. No Legs (1979)

The Cops Want To Get Him

The Mob Wants To Hit Him

But No One Wants To Meet Him Face To Face

Don’t Cross Him Or He’ll Cut You Down To Size

The Amazing Mr. No Legs

I know folks who are not fans of this life we live. They go about their existence angry at the ways of this world and lamenting our time on this planet. I know people like this. Beautiful people with a dark view of the hours and minutes that make up our days. These people do not know The Amazing Mr. No Legs exists. I possess this knowledge and with it in my possession I can wake up every morning with a grin on my face and a song in my heart. The Amazing Mr. No Legs was financed, filmed and released. The world is a beautiful place and everything is going to be ok.

You know you are in good hands when the opening credits roll over two detectives awkwardly beating up some thugs. JOIE CHITWOOD and the Danger Angels flashes across the screen. Alright, movie, you have my heart. I am suddenly greeted by John Agar’s name. I jump right into the refreshing pool of greatness that is The Amazing Mr. No Legs. I’m sinking deep and loving every minute of it.

Mr. No Legs is not the top billed actor of his own film. That honor goes to Richard Jaeckel. Richard Jaeckel was in Grizzly. Me and my friend Larry got drunk one night and watched the hell out of Grizzly. That was a good time. The warm and fuzzy feelings continue.

Mr. No Legs is an enforcer for a crime syndicate. He is introduced much earlier in the film then I thought he would be. Usually you have to wait for characters this awesome.

A guy who looks like me is stealing from the syndicate. He’s supposed to be loading drugs into a truck but he’s keeping some for himself. My doppelganger and his friend think they are some clever mother fuckers. Well, Mr. No Legs is hip to their scheme. My doppelganger gets shot in the back as he runs away from the man in the shotgun mounted wheelchair. I would have done the same and I’d be just as dead.

Now I know you’ve seen plenty of “handicapable” characters in movies. You have not seen Mr. No Legs. Mr. No Legs slaps his dick on those chumps! Along with those mounted shotguns, he has throwing stars in the hub of his wheelchair’s wheels. He uses them to take out a hired goon and he takes out another hired goon using Kung Fu, his stumps and his ass. Do not fuck around with Mr. No Legs!

The plot emerges when a low-level employee of the syndicate accidentally kills his girlfriend. She found his drugs and wants no part of it. He figured the best way to convince her to stay was to push her into his television. She stumbles headfirst into the behemoth of a TV and dies on the spot. Now he needs help and Mr. No Legs knows how to get rid of evidence. There’s just one problem: the dead girl’s brother is a cop.

Bring on detective Jaeckel!

In a bit of a twist, The Jaeckel is not the dead girl’s brother. He’s just good friends with him. Her brother is Detective Andy. Detective Andy looks like SNL era Dan Akroyd. I am immediately a fan of Detective Andy.

Mr. No Legs tries to make it look like Andy’s sister smashed her noggin because of an accidental overdose. The Jaeckel knows bullshit when it is flung his way. His suspicion is proven correct when the police captain (John f’n Agar!) confirms the drugs were put in the dead girl’s system after she died.

With The Jaeckel on the case, Andy hits up a club and tries to drink his sadness away. The Fantastic Mercy are the main act at this club and do very little to cure Andy’s blues. I’m not surprised. A crappy love song being sung by some average blonde woman and some guy who is the spitting image of Francis Buxton from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure may improve my mood but Andy is more grounded in reality. After a night of cuddling with his waitress girlfriend, Andy decides to team up with The Jaeckel and get to the bottom of his sister’s death.

The movie runs its course. Detectives detect, Mr. No Legs wants to run the syndicate, Agar turns out to be corrupt, a transvestite orders another beer and then Andy’s girlfriend says “back to the old clock and dagger.” I want to hug my television.

It all ends with a less than exciting shootout which leads into a fantastically lame car chase. Cars teleport into the scene just in time to be destroyed, dispatch keeps us informed to the locations of the chase and John Agar meets his end by driving full speed into blocks of ice. Yes. Blocks of fucking ice. Justice is served and for ninety minutes heaven existed in the comfort of my home.

There is a lot to love here (a failed corpse theft, car abuse via broadsword, Jaeckel zingers, mustaches, wheelchair push ups, more mustaches) and not much to hate. When a film promises awesomeness with an exploitation heavy title, you usually leave the experience disappointed. The Amazing Mr. No Legs gives a big middle finger to the usual. The film zips along at a nice pace and has that wonderful 70s drive-in energy.

This is a late 70s cop film I can keep coming back to. You should watch it. Your outlook on life will improve, at least for ninety minutes.

My bootleg DVD is in English with Polish subtitles. This would be a dream come true if I had just come over from Poland and didn’t know a word of English. I don’t know any Polish. I think I’m still dreaming.