On top of being really bad at emoting, Mark is having some awful nightmares involving his deceased wife Julie and her severed head. Julie, who kind of looks like what would happen if you took Regan’s possessed visage from The Exorcist and slathered makeup on it to make her look like a healthy young girl, lures Mark into a modest little home and throws her own head at him, making a sexual joke in the process. Mark wakes up with a start only to have the same tossed mannequin head drop into his lap. But fear not, it’s just a nightmare within a nightmare which causes Mark to cry. The next day we catch up with Mark at his wife’s funeral where he’s joined by his supportive friends (among them the only Mark that matters, Mark Polonia) as some disheveled dude watches from behind a tree and mumbles some cryptic religious shit to himself. Uh oh. Mark’s friends decide to hang around and keep him company and soon a black-gloved somebody is skulking around the cabin you spent every family vacation to rural Wisconsin in and taking out the goobers one at a time. Nightmares hit, the idiots have a knack for wandering off right into danger and stilted conversations explode onto the screen matching the excitement level of a nap you didn’t know you needed. That’s actually not a bad way to describe the whole Savage Vows experience; there’s a comfort there, solidified by a trip to Full Moon Video and a visit to their horror section. Comfort can be kind of boring sometimes but it’s still way more preferable to being at a bar with friends and wishing you were napping. POV stalking, a soundtrack lifted from an elevator in the 90s, occupied by some dude playing his synthesizer over the smoothest of butt-jazz is like a siren’s call back to a bed in a house you haven’t lived in since your teens. Polonia mustache appreciation, severed legs, a cast of characters I think I got high with behind the dumpster of Burger King back in high school and a familiar looking basement that my Midwestern nose can smell from the safety of my own home makes me feel like I just took a rewarding nap but I also missed a friend trying to stop by with a bundle of adorable puppies because of it. You win and you lose, that’s just life.
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