⭐️1/2
No. It’s not a sequel but the Amityville name has some marketable power and no copyright because it’s an actual place and supposedly based on truth. Without any IP claims causing lawsuits, any independent filmmaker can add a little luster to their garbage film by sticking Amityville in front of it. Does it work? Well, they keep getting thrown out there with a threadbare connection if there’s any at all. I doubt the returns are much of anything but I’ll never squash the happiness of some horror buff (or money fan) getting their movie seen by at least this dumb fucking genre lover. We open up with a cleaning crew in the infamous house with a quick flash of some infamous murders (no names are mentioned and the only indication we have of this being the evil piece of Long Island realty is those old familiar windows). A quick possession turns one of the female cleaners into a vampire and she does away with her coworkers. With that out of the way, we join a couple of idiots getting to know each other with a tattoo discussion and some smooching. The dude proves to be a complete dick when he attempts to force himself on her and gets all aggravated when she turns him down. Dude leaves her in the middle of nowhere and she ends up getting bit by some chalky vampire woman. We then meet a retired DJ discussing his plans to propose to his girlfriend Fran during a camping trip at Red Moon Lake. Fran is a timid young woman who has an annoying “strong-willed” sister. She attempts to talk her out of her relationship with the former DJ, Johnny, and the possible marriage proposal coming her way. The boring couple’s romantic getaway commences and Johnny shares the history of their destination with Fran. It involves a full blood moon, a billionaire named Lilith A. Thanos, her orphan employee named Gloria Standard, a Thanksgiving cabin getaway between the two lonely women, a fur-clad psychopath and Ms. Thanos’ true intentions when it comes to her pretty dinner guest. Then we get another story from Johnny about an old man named Caleb and his dying wife. Fed up with the string of tragedy hitting him and his family, Caleb makes a deal with an obviously evil woman who comes a-knocking with his dead daughter at her side and promises to heal his wife. Of course, he gets eaten. The anthology-ridden car ride (endurance test) ends and the two begin their little camping trip. They set up their tent right next to the parking lot (roughing it) and as night rolls in, so does a van full of rapist punks. As one attempts to rape Ms. Thanos, the other two wander off to investigate a car alarm. This is bad news for the newly engaged Johnny and Fran. Eventually the rapists get what’s coming to them and the film blesses us with finally ending. There’s a whole bunch of talking between people who developed their acting style by watching soap operas, 90’s pornography or 1963’s Blood Feast. Cheap splatter and the kind of sexiness one used to find on the USA network after midnight offer a few reprieves from the butt-numbing tedium but that only gets you so far. There’s an enjoyable ten minutes of film here but unfortunately the damn thing is just a bit over ninety.
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