Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995) (USA)

aka Halloween 6/Halloween 666: The Origin of Michael Myers/Halloween 6: Michael’s Back 

⭐️1/2

All these years on, I still can’t believe this film wasn’t shot in Bulgaria. I mean, it feels like a penny-pinching exercise that should have been shot in Bulgaria. That’s just me. I opted to watch the theatrical cut because it was the one I didn’t have to go digging around for and my memory of the producer’s cut may be sketchy but I’m pretty sure it’s a film that deserves no extra effort. I’ll probably get to it someday… not anytime soon but someday. This is the culmination (and half-assed explanation) of the Mark of Thorn arch which goes to show that a heavy focus on this dumbass premise was never deserved because it blows. I’m sorry, we should have gone full-blown supernatural demonics or something to make this interesting. Hell, autumn aliens would have worked just fine for me, your movie was doomed to suck but at least it could have strayed so far beyond the premise of the series that I would have at least been impressed by the courage of the filmmakers. Alas. Here we are. Michael’s niece Jamie gives birth to a little baby in the evilest delivery room I’ve seen outside of a sleazy European horror flick and is soon murdered by her uncle after a sympathetic nurse helps her escape with her newborn child. The Cult of Thorn pulls the strings but also cursed Michael because… uhm… evil. So, Jamie manages to call into an irritating shock-jock’s radio program before getting slaughtered and it just so happens that Dr. Loomis (a thoroughly wasted Donald Pleasance in his final American film which just adds further insult) and Tommy Doyle (the boy Jamie Lee Curtis babysat in the original, here played by Paul Rudd, who would come a long way after this in acting ability and pay scale, in his first movie and billed as Paul Stephen Rudd) are listening in. Tommy is keeping a close eye on the Myers’ house because he knows evil will return. Jamie’s nebbish aunt and awful uncle who have, for some reason lacking any logic or plausibility, moved into the old Myers’ house along with their single-parent daughter (who has a derpy but possibly homicidal son) and “hip” teenage son. What the fuck? You’re just courting tragedy… dumbasses. Of course, Tommy manages to figure out where the call-in came from because socially awkward weirdos are always good at that type of thing and is able to find the stashed baby in a bus stop bathroom who really needs to consider hiring in a different janitorial staff. I mean, they missed blood splatter on a sink and a crying baby in a cabinet. Come on, team. Through coincidence, Tommy runs into Loomis when he takes the baby to the hospital and fills him in on some stuff. Michael is looking to slay Jamie’s son which has him returning to Haddonfield (which is in the process of throwing its first Halloween celebration in years) and wipe out the rest of the family in the process. The wonderful Mitchell Ryan is around as Dr. Wynn who is definitely up to no good whilst hanging around his retired colleague Dr. Loomis and Marianne Hagan is at least easy to look at as the Strode woman trying to survive the seasonal slasher and protect her spooky-ass son from the evil influence. Undeniably garbage outing is awarded some points because of how dumb it is but that will only get you so far. Pleasance is great, he always was no matter how little he was given to do and Rudd may not show any discernible talent in his debut but it’s fun watching him mishandle the character of Tommy. Laughable jump scares, a few despicable idiots, a mess of a plot, callbacks and some violent but lame murders (we do get an exploding head, I have never complained about an exploding head) keep things somewhat interesting in the right mindset. It’s still the weakest entry up to this point and would be followed by a much stronger outing a few years later… which would, in turn, be followed by a much weaker but hilarious outing and would then be thoroughly abused in the less-than-capable hands of Rob Zombie… but let’s not jump too far ahead.

Creep (2014) (USA)

aka Peachfuzz 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

A man diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor hires a videographer for one day to make a video for his unborn son. The young man behind the camera becomes increasingly unsettled as the day progresses and begins to suspect the worst from the supposedly dying man. Discomfort grows as the truth is learned and the videographer manages to escape... then things get worse. A creepy wolf mask belonging to a “friendly” wolf character named Peachfuzz is introduced early on and it would seem the “sick” man has an unhealthy tie to it. You’re well aware right off the bat that something just isn’t right and are allowed to slip into the same unease as the protagonist. Some poor decision making may have the viewer slapping their head but the two-man show is well handled with Mark Duplass standing out as the man who is just charming enough to make you silence that doubt in the back of your head, screaming to take to the hills. Minimal but in a completely satisfying way.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Freddy (Englund, naturally) gets funny but still kills, proving that you never work a day in your life if you love your job. With his murder-boner still firmly pointed in the direction of those damn Elm Street kids, old crispy-face gets back to manipulating dreams to murder local idiots. Resurrected after a dog lets loose some flaming piss on his final resting place (checks notes… yes, a dog pees fire on his junkyard grave), the dream demon with a book full of dad jokes gets to killing the survivors from Dream Warriors. Patricia Arquette does not return as Kristen but cute as all hell Tuesday Knight (who would show up much later in Amityville Bigfoot) is more than capable in the role. It doesn’t really matter anyways because in a nice little curveball she gets the Marion Crane treatment just much later into the film than the lovely Janet Leigh. This leaves the battle up to the daydreaming Alice who Kristen transfers her power to just before Freddy claims her soul. This also means a new group of youngsters are now on the chopping block for the sins of a different generation. Not exactly meticulously etched out characters, they’re still unique enough to be more memorable than most of the dinks that came under whatever sharp instrument Jason was carrying at the time. I still prefer the traditional slasher stylings of the Friday the 13th flicks but I’ve always felt that the Nightmare series had better victims… except for Ginny, Ginny is greater than all of them. Sorry, Amy Steel tangents happen to the best of us. Anyways, with most of the people she loves dead, Alice decides to take the fight to Freddy and things get silly. As an idiot who doesn’t hold eighties horror over any other decade, I’m completely fine with our hero doning materials from her deceased buddies and flipping around like a ninja while using vague powers to fight the villain. I’m just a silly boy and this is just a silly film with some suitably icky special effects. Death by toddler hands is no way any franchise villain should go out but I’m not complaining.

Blood and Sex Nightmare (2008) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2 

Yes. It does deliver both blood and sex, it even combines them more than once but outside of a pretty cool looking zombie slasher and some blood splattered naughty bits there ain’t much else. Horny piece of crap Nick, guilts his virginal girlfriend Amy into going to a sex resort with him in the middle of the woods. As soon as they arrive they run into a creepy and horny old timer named Walter who rambles on about banging and the imminent death of everyone. Soon, kinky couples are dropping like flies and it’s revealed Walter is in cahoots with the zombie killer whose limbo-trapped spirit was unleashed when all the sexual energy of the perverted camp stirred things up. Amy begins having visions (I think because she’s Asian she’s supposed to have a stronger link to the supernatural or some such bullshit) and the rotting killer has a plan for rebirth. Graphic penis dismemberment, strangulation by severed dick and a rotting dong ejaculating blood all over poor Amy are just some of the weirdo sites that await you. Sadly it suffers from the whole cannon fodder problem of character introductions for the purpose of gruesome demise. It’s alright for what it is and the sexual violence does give it a leg up to the usual low-budget humdrum backyard slashers end up delivering. Plenty of nudity and cheap gore but it still feels a little too empty for my tastes.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Immediately dropping the first intriguing ball setup by the final moments of the prior outing, H5 dismisses the “inherited evil” idea to slide into your standard slasher sequel. It also foolishly kills off the immensely likable Rachel for a cheap pop and transforms the lovably kooky Dr. Loomis of Part 4 into a dangerous lunatic. But it’s not all bad, she may be mute but Daniel Harris is still excellent as Jamie and (I know plenty of people may disagree with me on this) delivers up one of horror’s most likable leads in Wendy Foxworth’s hyper eighties-infused Tina. You probably hate her but Raymond Paul Leslie agrees with me so go fuck yourself. Anyways, Myers has been in another convenient coma for a year after getting his ass handily gunned down. He’s found by some homeless dude who takes him in and nurses him for the year he’s out. His kindness is repaid by getting murdered when Michael wakes up. It’s back to Haddonfield to track down and murder his now almost completely silent (and not homicidal) niece who he has a psychic connection to. Jamie gets flashes of Michael’s misdeeds and has conniptions to go along with them. There’s two bumbling cops who (I think) are supposed to be comic relief but the addition of slide whistle theme music to their scenes has me thinking they were never meant to be funny or were created by an elderly producer who was functioning at Vince McMahon levels of incompetence when it comes to what an audience would laugh at. It also introduces the Mark of Thorn nonsense to proceedings which I’ll speak on more when I finally get to rewatching the next outing. Throw in a ridiculous Myers house interior, some really unlikable/forgettable elderly teens (which, I guess, could also go in the benefits section), performances that one could politely call melodramatic and a mask that just keeps looking worse and there’s plenty to complain about. But we also get a bunch of time with Donald Pleasance (even if he’s way more of an asshole this time out), an incredibly tense (and admittedly implausible) moment inside some ductwork and a whole lotta Tina just doing her thing like she’s performing in some music video for a pop song that landed five years earlier. I’m not complaining. It’s fine. Things were about to get much worse… or better if you like some real garbage.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Freddy is back and he’s stalking the dreams of a batch of Elm Street youngsters currently residing in the Westin Hills Psychiatric Hospital. Teenage Kristen (Patricia Arquette who has never not been super cute) has found herself there following a nightmare encounter with the beloved child-murdering crispy coot. Ya see, she woke up with a sliced wrist looking a whole lot like a suicide attempt. The facility she now calls home specializes in sleep disorders and the batch of youths she now calls housemates are all suffering nighttime terrors thanks to the razor-gloved demon called Freddy Krueger (Englund). It ain’t easy to convince the staff that a mutual boogeyman is haunting their dreams because adults are just so dang lame. A rising bodycount paints a picture of hopelessness but in comes a dream researcher who knows what she’s talking about (Heather Langenkamp) with an eventual plan to battle the monster she’s well-aware of and end his reign of terror for good. It’ll be a lot easier because Kristen conveniently has the power to pull others into her dreams, which means she won’t be having to make a go of saving the children of Elm Street on her lonesome. A superior followup to the original dismisses a bunch of the homophobic Part 2 and let’s loose with a wild slice of slasher insanity that fully understands how much fun you can have when your boogeyman isn’t weighed down by reality. It all feels like the series finally realized its potential and a returning Craven on the screenplay/EP front may have had something to do with that. Semi-useful adults include a kind but naive doctor (Craig Wasson) who seems to be the only one who can see an elderly nun creeping around, a stern department head, a sarcastic yet sympathetic orderly (Laurence Fishburne) and a returning John fuckin’ Saxon as Nancy’s now alcoholic father. The special effects budget gets some breathing room, Freddy’s past gets a light shined on it, a junkyard encounter with Freddy’s Harryhausen-esque skeleton plays into the climax and Langenkamp’s hair is the best it’s ever looked.

Maniac Cop III: Badge of Silence (1992) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A troubled production leads to diminishing returns in this final entry to the Maniac Cop series with Lustig and Cohen returning (kind of) behind the camera (Lustig’s cut came in at 51 minutes as he walked out on the film and Cohen refused to rewrite his script without getting paid by the producers that wanted something, mainly a returning Davi and not an African American lead… just real salt of the earth people these producers) along with Z’Dar as resurrected killer cop Matt Cordell and Davi as Detective Sean McKinney who believed the nightmare to be over after clearing Cordell’s name of his original crimes. Fat chance. A voodoo priest brings the corpse back not long after he’s finally laid to rest (seemingly just for the hell of it… I mean, the houngan talks a lot but he skips around the point like a teacher at Hogwarts explaining someone’s destiny) and the cop that’s a pain in the ass to stop is walking around and terrorizing the streets of New York once again (kind of). With no vengeance necessary anymore, Cordell is looking for love! Convenient that Officer Kate Sullivan has just been put into a coma during a hostage situation (Hey! It’s Jackie Earle Haley) that went wrong. An unscrupulous news crew looking for a story decide a hero cop isn’t all the interesting and edit footage to make it look like she took the life of a helpless victim. Her reputation for over excessiveness makes it easier to swallow. Her mentor (Detective McKinney) attempts to clear her name while she lies possibly brain dead in her hospital bed. Cordell has himself a crush (Bride of Maniac Cop!) and goes about making sure anyone who slanders the lovely lady cop ends up very dead. It doesn’t take long for Davi to figure out Cordell is back and everyone is in danger. Ted Raimi shows up as a reporter (a nice nod to his brother Sam’s appearance in the prior films), Paul Gleason as a scummy bureaucrat and the always wonderful Robert Forster as a head trauma doctor with loose morals and a bunch of sarcasm. Plenty of footage from the first two beef up the runtime and Z’Dar spends a good chunk of the movie walking around and standing in the shadows. It does not make for the most entertaining of watches… which is a damn shame because a voodoo priest and a zombie bride scenario is so far up my garbage alley that I should have loved this shit but it feels like nobody was all that interested in focusing on the insanity. The series up to this point had been a refreshing mix of action and horror but this one leans heavy into slasher territory, which wouldn’t necessarily be an issue if it was a particularly interesting one and considering they set it up to be just that, the wasted opportunity hits even harder. We get a bit of weirdness, some last-act action and plenty of Robert Davi which I’ll always be thankful for. A missed opportunity that you can confidently place at the feet of idiotic producers.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Ten years have passed since that fateful night in Haddonfield, IL and the public has been able to relax thanks to Michael Myers being in a deep coma. However, during a transfer between facilities, Micheal awakens when he learns that he has a niece residing in Haddonfield. Welp, those bodies start dropping as the singular-focused killer makes his way to the last member of his family. His traumatized niece Jamie (an impressive performance from Danielle Harris) who he shares a psychic connection to or some shit, her adopted sister Rachel (Ellie Cornell, crafting one likable-as-all-hell teenager who never comes off as false) and his very own Captain Ahab Dr. Sam Loomis (Pleasance, relishing this time out as the obviously unstable monster hunter) are all that may stand in the way of the unkillable murder machine causing another seasonal ruckus. There’s plenty of attractive elderly youths put in the path of The Shape and some well-crafted (if inexplicable) shots (I mean, the murder silhouetted by the light from the large window is fantastic but i feel like a giant fucking window should have been the first thing you fortified when securing your home… but I’m a stickler for safety) to make this fourth entry in the series an incredibly enjoyable time. That ending is near perfect as well and is only let down by the next entry… something that Halloween: Resurrection would repeat more than a decade later (although its nowhere near as annoying thanks to H2O’s ending not hitting as hard but it’s way more insulting to the viewer’s intelligence thanks to Resurrection just being the way it is). There’s some pacing issues and one of the worst vigilante mobs in cinema history (not only do they kill an innocent man, they seem to have no spatial awareness, give up upon the first opportunity and outright fail at everything they set out to do). It also begins the trend of diminishing returns when it comes to presenting a terrifying maniac. The mask ain’t the worst but it’s a far cry from the first two outings. You can still tell this film was at least trying to be more than standard slasher fare without resorting to the ridiculous nonsense that was about to drop in the next entry.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Delightfully insane offering from the Halloween series that was too ahead of its time to be appreciated in the moment and due to this failure on the part of the audience (it was the lowest grossing box office of the franchise [still making a profit, though] and was critically panned), forced the series to revert back to the slasher tomfoolery of Michael Myers. Which is fine, because I still enjoy his stab-happy shenanigans and I think this outing being the lone deviation from the series makes it all the more lovable. His royal badassness Tom Atkins plays a doctor who stumbles upon an unlikely conspiracy perpetrated by the evil head of the Silver Shamrock Novelties company, Conal Cochran (a charmingly sinister Dan O’Herlihy). The mad man is planning on causing mass panic and death by utilizing computer chips containing small pieces of the magically charged Stonehenge boulders (stay with me, now) to unleash hell on any poor soul (mostly kiddos) wearing his company’s best-selling masks. Now that is one fucking insane plot. Atkins comes into the fold after the mysterious death of a man in his charge leads to he and the dead guy’s daughter digging deeper into the mad plot which includes exploding masks, creepy crawlies, magic lasers (?), a catchy commercial jingle, Tom Atkins mustache, ancient rituals and android assassins. Nancy Loomis (Kyes) also has a cameo and I will always appreciate her having screen time.

A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A family moves into the Thompson house (that’s 1428 Elm Street) and effeminate son Jesse (Mark Patton and if you haven’t seen Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street, I highly recommend giving it a watch) immediately begins to have nightmares of a crispy fiend with a razor-tipped glove (Robert Englund, thankfully back) after setting up in Nancy’s former bedroom. Instead of slashing the young man while he sleeps, it seems Freddy needs him as a vessel to carry on with his sinister shenanigans in our world. His girlfriend Lisa (cute as hell Kim Myers who would later turn up in another odd franchise sequel Hellraiser IV: Bloodline) is concerned for Jesse’s sanity as his fears that “Freddy is trying to get inside of me” don’t paint the picture of mental health. A limited supply of victims include Jesse’s hunky frenemy Grady (Robert Rusler), who Jesse runs to after being disgusted when Freddy pops up while he’s about to have sex with his girlfriend and an asshole gym teacher (the always welcome Marshall Bell) who is into S&M, hangs out at downtown gay clubs and gets bound bare-ass’d and whipped in the school showers… hmmmmmm? Eventually Freddy manifests (in a jaw-dropping and literal “out of body” experience) and causes some serious damage. Clu Gulager and Hope Lange are there as Jesse’s parents (blaming drugs and mental illness for their son’s “queer” behavior) and Englund gets a human cameo as a nightmare sequence bus driver. Nancy’s diary is literally pulled out of the closet to offer up some clues to our hero’s recent trauma right after Jesse is caught by his mother and girlfriend performing a thrust-heavy dance while cleaning his room… hmmmmm? It just comes off feeling like a gay panic film shoehorned in as an Elm Street sequel where the evil “monster” inside is finally stopped by heterosexual love courtesy of the protagonist’s girlfriend. That’s right fellas, the best way to repress those sinister urges is to get yourself a lady! It is refreshingly strange for a sequel to a box office success, especially something coming out of an 80’s slasher flick but on top of the icky vibe of homophobia (I could be reading too deep into things), it also comes off as being different because of being a bit underdeveloped thanks to a rush to make more profit off of a hot commodity.

Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker (2002) (Canada/USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Another day, another scuzzball getting his ass stuck in an ugly-tinted afterlife awaiting final judgment for all of his sins. Luckily, our scuzzball is played by Dean fuckin’ Winters and I’m always happy when he shows up outside of those “Mayhem” commercials. He’s a stockbroker with amnesia following a car accident which has put him in the hospital and caused his wife Kirsty (Yes! A returning Ashley Laurence) to go missing (although he’s convinced she drowned but no body, no crime). He suffers intense headaches, horrific visions and his memory has gone to shit, which has the two detectives looking for his wife (or the fate that befell her) pretty damn suspicious of the man. Trevor attempts to piece things together on his own and it begins pointing in a troubling direction, a direction that contains his sleazy actions, the Lament Configuration Box and the dangerous creatures it calls forth. Much hornier than it’s been for a long time and it at least attempts to tie it in to the original, even if it feels a tad half-assed thanks to the lovely Ashley Laurence being relegated to mostly flashbacks. The cast is solid across the board which helps because it takes itself ridiculously serious for such a predictable plot (even though the ending is the right twist) but that’s to be expected following the unnecessarily grave Inferno. Lighten up team! We’ve all seen Se7en… we can be a little lighter in our material about bdsm killers and leather-daddy demons. “If there is a pain in your head… it’s in your head.”

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

Wes Craven puts the supernatural at the forefront of his entry into the slasher subgenre and changes horror flicks forever. No hulking and silent brute with a fetish for sharp instruments, his killer Freddy Krueger (the irreplaceable Robert Englund) is a child murderer with a dark sense of humor who got his ass murdered by local parents after he killed some kids. They burnt his sick ass to a crisp but evil like that can’t just die so now he’s back, inhabiting the dreams (also a boiler room that looks like it’s somewhere below a lower level of Hell) of the children and slaughtering them with his razor-tipped glove as they sleep. Hard to protect yourself when you’re catching some Z’s. Nancy Thompson (the lovely Heather Langenkamp) is the high school hero who has a lot to worry about when her friends start getting wiped out as Fred brings the bad dreams and makes ‘em permanent. When her bestie Tina (a really good and super cute Amanda Wyss) gets murdered in a wonderfully horrific set piece, the blame gets put on her boyfriend and Nancy’s cop father (John fuckin’ Saxon) doesn’t want to hear any of this nightmare killer bullshit. Looks like it’s gonna be up to Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (babyfaced Johnny Depp) to save their own asses… maybe just Nancy, her boy-toy proves to be pretty useless. A horrifying slasher thanks to a distinct look for its antagonist and some wonderful nightmare imagery (stretching arms, shapes in the wall, Tina in a body bag and soggy stairs) really add to the stalk & slash antics. Also helping things is the small batch of victims/friends being terrorized, letting us get to know and like ‘em. Lin Shaye pops up as a teacher and Charles Fleischer as a doctor. Some weak performances and a limp ending don’t really detract that much thanks to an innovative story that birthed a horror icon.

Halloween II (1981) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Braindead follow up to Carpenter’s integral horror film, drops all of the atmosphere and ramps up the sadism. As a slasher fan, I have no problem with this. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis again) is recovering in Haddonfield Memorial following that night’s horrific events and The Shape is taking out townsfolk as he makes his way to the hospital to finish the job. Dr. Sam Loomis (a returning Donald Pleasance) is hot on his trail. An inexplicably deserted hospital becomes a killing ground as Michael Myers takes out the skeleton crew running the place in pursuit of his (sigh) sister. Sister? That’s right, as opposed to keeping their killer extra terrifying by not really giving him any reason for his murder spree, we get some bullshit revelation discovered by Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers, also returning) as they dig into things. There’s a little bit of stupidity on display (the death of Ben Trammer is sort of hilarious) but there’s also one hell of a mean streak that anyone strictly familiar with the original may not have expected. It feels more like an actual “slasher” flick which became popularized by 1980’s Friday the 13th. Curtis spends most of her time underutilized in a hospital bed and a fresh-faced Lance Guest plays a sympathetic EMT.

Hellraiser V: Inferno (2000) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A personal favorite thanks to late-night RC-fueled watchin’ with my buddy Travis, Inferno takes a noir plot (troubled, far from innocent protagonist offering up narration) and places it in the realm of Pinhead and his Leather-Daddy (and Mommy) soldiers. Craig Sheffer (not quite Val Kilmer, not quite David Boreanaz but a whole lotta personality) is sleazy Denver police detective Joseph Thorne, he’s become obsessed with hunting down a brutal serial killer monikered The Engineer. He and his by-the-book partner Tony (Nicholas Turturro) are at a loss as the ritualistic slayings continue with few answers coming their way. At the latest crime scene, Thorne comes across that familiar puzzle box and it’s not long at all before he’s thrust into a hellish world of death and despair. Drugs and guilt are already eating away at our “heroes” mental wellness so he’s prime to collapse entirely as sadistic weirdness begins flooding in while he hunts down a serial killer a few steps ahead of him. The people close to him pay for his downward-spiraling bullshit and Pinhead waits on the sidelines to reveal a larger truth. Scaled down from the prior entry’s time-jumping silliness and anchored by Sheffer giving a suitably scuzzy performance, Infernostands as a solid outing in a series that probably would have fine closing out after the second entry. Not that I’m at all upset we got way more than necessary but everyone knows how my tastes dip on the wrong side of fulfilling. A bearded James Remar lends his gravitas as a shrink Thorne is forced to talk to. Iffy digital effects. Kung-fu cowboys (no, I’m not having a stroke), Michael Shamus Wiles (also a cowboy), half of Chatterer and unimpressive Cenobites are thrown into the predictable script but my nostalgia effects plenty and I remain a fan of all these years later.

Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996) (UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

In the 22nd century on the giant (and familiar-looking) space station Minos, Dr. Paul Merchant works in seclusion as he attempts to right the wrongs his family has unleashed on the world. Ya see, centuries earlier his ancestor was the one who created the Lament Configuration Box which allowed the Cenobites entry into our world. The doctor is now attempting to seal this gateway for good and trap the vicious Cenobites but, as we’re all well aware, those bdsm bastards don’t go down without a fight. His research is halted when a team of soldiers arrive because companies never like it when their ship’s architect takes over the damn thing and sends everyone home. Unfortunately, he has just managed to open the puzzle box and now the soldiers are pretty much fucked until they let the doctor finish his work. While imprisoned he shares his family history to prove why they need to let him conclude what he was attempting when they arrived. We jump back to the creation of the box by a toy maker in 18th century France commissioned by a sleazy, black-magic-obsessed nobleman, Duc de L’lsle. Said nobleman uses the puzzle box in a vicious ritual to summon forth something from Hell which inhabits the peeled skin of a prostitute (maybe just a street urchin) he and his servant Jacques (Adam Scott, years away from Parks and Recreation and Hokum) just murdered. The toy maker manages to see this ritual and feels the responsibility to fix things. The nobleman names the summoned demon Angelique and claims her as his property. The naive young man breaks into the mansion to steal the box back and discovers a dead nobleman and Jacques getting it on with Angelique. Adam Scott lets the toy maker know his bloodline is cursed and then orders Angelique to get rid of him. His worried wife arrives to find her husband in bad shape and he warns her to flee for her life and the life of their unborn child. We then jump to 1996 when Angelique shows up in the dreams of architect John Merchant, causing mental stress on him and his wife. Ya see, she’s been attempting to use his bloodline to create a box that can permanently allow her breed of evil into the world. She decides to journey to America to meet John but a still-living Jacques won’t allow it so… well, that’s a wrap on Adam Scott. She arrives and gets to work calling forth Pinhead to discuss some plans involving the architect and the creation of what they need to unleash Hell on Earth…. and I ain’t talking about Part III. There’s some new lame-ass Cenobites created (really should have brought back the CD tossing dope but we do get a Chatterer doggy, which I’m all for… listen, you already know I’m an idiot) while Angelique (apparently a princess in Hell) seduces John and Pinhead uses other, worse methods to allow evil’s spread. I always found this entry incredibly fun as it jumps through centuries tracking the exploits of the family forever interlaced with Pinhead and his clan but it does cause pacing issues and if you find yourself emotionally invested in any of the characters outside of their attractiveness it is through not effort on the part of the filmmakers. The cast is lead by a derpy protagonist which helps nothing but Valentina Vargas brings the right level of succubus to her role as Angelique and Doug Bradley is his usual solid ass. The space setting was set up to be an interesting aspect to the film but after setting up the intriguing idea of the guilty man looking to fix the horrible mistake of his ancestor far away from people who could be hurt, it kinda gets tossed aside to fill a bodycount provided by soldiers who I couldn’t name at gunpoint and most of the movie takes place in the 90s (where the actual film was supposed to conclude). Oh well, gotta have a bodycount I suppose. Director Kevin Yagher disowned the theatrical cut of the film and kicked the credit over to the pseudonym Alan Smithee to distance himself from the final product which had plenty of nervous producers altering the structure and adding the space wraparound. Again, I love me some 80’s icons in space (I already told you I’m an idiot) wbut Miramax can still go fuck themselves.

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992) (UK/USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I don’t think I’ve hidden the fact that I have a soft spot for “stupid”. Being an idiot sort of makes it necessary but outside of poor decision making and the adventures that leads to, my filmic preferences have always lead me down rabbit holes that were better left unexplored. I only bring this up because I don’t know how many times I’ve recommended this film and it’s followup that even it’s own director disowned to people when I was working behind the counter of a non-chain video store from the age of seventeen to twenty-something. Most folks came back shaking their head and never asking for another recommendation but those select few greeted me with a wide grin and asked for more. I know these movies aren’t “good” but I’ll take them over any of the Saw flicks and the slew of self-important A24 releases… but remember, I also hold Jason X and Amityville Emanuelle in high regard, so it’s probably best to not listen to me. J.P. Monroe is a well-off piece of shit who gets his hands on the Pillar of Souls which contains the soul of Pinhead after the climactic battle from the previous outing. He sets the ugly “art piece” up in his loft above the club he owns and soon discovers that the entity it contains can offer him power and pleasure if he offers up human sacrifices. It’s a deal that couldn’t possibly come back to bite him on his ass! Television journalist Joey Summerskill (Terry Farrell) gets dragged into the dangerous world of Hell Priests and Lament Configuration Boxes when she witnesses the horrific slaughter of a young man by those oh-so-familiar flesh-rendering chains of the Cenobites. One of those chains slices her ankle as the young man is wheeled into the operating room at the crappy hospital Joey is reporting from. The pretty young woman, Terri (lovely Paula Marshall who would later show up in the purposefully stupid Malignant) with the guy points Joey in the direction of her “boyfriend” Morgan’s club The Boiler Room and after further conversation, presents the reporter with that very dangerous puzzle box, warning her that it’s to blame for whatever the hell violent fate came to her friend. So, the two very attractive women begin looking into things with the naive Terri tagging along with the ambitious reporter and getting themselves into very dangerous waters they are ill-prepared to wade through. Joey has dreams about war and a very familiar British soldier who would become something terrifying reaching out for help. Terri runs back to Morgan after she thinks Joey is going to abandon her and when Morgan fails to feed her to Pinhead thanks to some hidden brass knuckles, The Hell Priest convinces her to sacrifice the dink that just attempted to murder her and let loose some Hell. She does and Pinhead is freed into our world. Oh, Terri… sweet baby girl. What have you done? The ghost of Pinhead’s human side attempts to help Ryan put an end to things because the demonic side of him is now unbound and that’s a very dangerous thing. Ryan’s going to have to open the gateway back to Hell (the puzzle box) before Pinhead can destroy it forever. Of course, there will be a massacre at The Boiler Room before any of this “final battle” shit can go down where new Cenobites will be formed and plenty of blood will be spilled. Performances range from Doug Bradley to one night stand who may be a slab of driftwood that gained sentience but that just makes the journey all the more charming. Iffy performances in a nightmare world full of Hellish machinations and a new slew of Cenobites ranging from silly to splendidly ridiculous (such horrors as club DJ, cameraman and bartender) just makes me nostalgic. It’s a world populated with bondage demons and idiots and it’s a world I don’t mind spending ninety minutes in.

Folies Meurtrières (1984) (France)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

This is low-budget bliss. A killer in a sack mask and goggle combo uses various weapons to murder seemingly random women. Cheap splatter mixes with a certain sense of droning to create some sort of dream-like slasher hellscape. Burnt out colors and a repetitive but haunting score just enhances the unease. Filmed in scratchy Super-8. The obvious fake weapons, the randomly appearing zombie (?) and the simple stalk and kill layout should bore or at least get your eyes rolling but I was far too transfixed in the atmosphere that may have been created completely on accident. We get an answer to the “why?” at the end and also a bit of the old supernatural revenge.

Halloween (1978) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

One fateful Halloween night, a kid by the name of Michael Myers murdered his older sister for reasons unknown. He’s spent nearly 15 years in the psych ward under the care of Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance) who has given up trying to help the boy and has become convinced Myers is the essence of pure evil. Michael escapes, steals a car and heads to his hometown. Unfortunately for high schooler Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), she attracts the psychopath’s attention and puts the lives of her and her friends in danger. An evening of babysitting and boyfriend screwing leads to murder and Laurie having one hell of an awful Halloween night. Come on, it’s a classic… you know it’s a classic. Hardly original or deserving of that all-important first “slasher” moniker that everyone likes to lay upon it, it’s a genuine modern horror masterpiece whose inspiration is still felt all these years later. Let’s face it, the Italians had already been making “slasher” films for more than a decade by the time ‘78 rolled along and it can be argued Friday the 13th was far more influential when it came to how the American’s would present their psychopaths and manipulate the blood-thirst of American cinemagoers. In fact, it contains plenty of the pitfalls the bastard stepchild of the genre would often come under fire for. The sex to death comeuppance, the boneheaded decision making, paper-thin characters and plotting through convenience all show themselves but still, Halloween rightfully remains an acclaimed offering and casts one of the largest shadows of any film in the horror genre. So why does it work? Well, there’s a few things going for it that make it essential. First, John Carpenter knew how to weave some atmospheric terror on a budget. Fully utilizing the space offered by the widescreen aspect ratio and showing a masterful manipulation of shot composition, you can tell he and his crew gave a damn. Adding to the whole vibe is probably one of the most memorable and eerie themes to ever hit horror cinema. The central casting is stellar and makes up for any lack of meat on the supporting parts (which isn’t an issue when you have PJ Soles and Nancy Allen filling out the roles). Donald Pleasance offers up a career defining role as the obsessive doctor tracking the pure evil he has a history with and Nick Castle is imposing as all hell as the blank-slate-nightmare wandering around the small Illinois town with death on his mind. Most importantly, Jamie Lee Curtis plays what may be the most sympathetic of teenage girls ever caught on film. The fact that it was her first cinematic role is beyond impressive. Finally, and the thing that makes the movie so damn memorable, is the complete lack of motive behind its boogeyman. Before the sibling bullshit came along (thankfully retconned out of existence) we had a preternatural slab of nightmare meat striking with horrific efficiency because one poor girl dropped a key off at a supposedly abandoned home at the behest of her realtor father. That’s not fair at all, that’s just a chaotic universe at work and that’s far more terrifying than any motive ever could be.

The Minger: The Ugly Daughter of God (2015) (Germany)

aka Die Hackfresse/Where Demons Dare

⭐️1/2

The usual uplifting fare one comes to expect from the overly optimistic Germans. Found nearly beaten to death in the street, a young woman tells her fucked up tale of woe to the nice young man nursing her back to health. As I don’t speak German and don’t have any German friends I would want to torture with a viewing of this film, I’m mostly guessing as to what the hell happens. The young woman was living with an older German woman (maybe her mother?) and the decayed lover she still bangs. A leather pants-rocking rapist breaks into their house, rapes her (which she seems to enjoy) and then attempts to flee when he discovers her rotten lover. He’s caught by the older woman and tied up. She tortures and eventually murders him. The young woman is pregnant and just as she’s about to pop, she cuts her baby out of her stomach with a butcher knife and smothers the poor bastard. That not being enough, she places the baby in the oven. Ok. Thanks, Germany. She then leaves home and joins up with a couple sadistic pimps, becomes a prostitute and is eventually beaten and forcibly (and graphically) raped with a broken baseball bat. The rest of the film is filled with scenes of her wandering and pondering and there’s also something about a seemingly crooked cop. The SFX are nauseatingly well done and the cold, uncaring atmosphere suitably drains you. I’m not one for extreme flicks so I was pretty bored throughout the majority of the runtime but there are a couple gut punches that wake you up.

Man Beast (1956) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

Connie Hayward is a woman on a mission. That mission is finding her brother who has gone missing in the Himalayas whilst searching for the elusive Abominable Snowman. Been there, Connie. Been there. Connie mounts an expedition to find the missing sibling (much like I would have done if I had the cash or the body to get some folks to help me)… even if it is just two other fucking people. They manage to catch up to Dr. Erickson (the missing brother’s research partner) and head on to the brother’s camp. They find the camp in disarray and a hired guide named Varga, claiming he has no idea where Connie’s brother has disappeared to. They carry on, hoping to find the man but unfortunately the albino ape-man finds them first. Of course, by this point in our film-watching career we know that the most dangerous of all animals is man. Varga, I’m looking in your suspicious-ass direction. The hills of California stand in for the Himalayas and the lack of snow is made up for by the actors blowing into their hands and rubbing their shoulders like it’s not a pleasant 70 degrees outside. The Yeti suit has definitely popped up in a few other budget flicks from the 40’s (looking at you The White Gorilla and White Pongo) that used to show up on late night broadcasting, so I’m feeling right at home. I don’t know why this era of monster movies felt the most important aspect of monster movies was not showing the monster, but it’s not rare for films like this to keep their beast off stage for a majority of the runtime. We’re used to it but we don’t have to like it. Dr. Erickson looks like Walter White and everyone else looks like boring people that worked at a brewery who you only recognize because their black and white group photo adorns a wood-paneled wall in an office that hasn’t been remodeled since 1983. There’s so much lack of monster it’s criminal and replacing monster action with talking is never a good move but I love that white gorilla costume and the villain’s plan is ridiculously wonderful… so I’ll call it a wash.

Killer Car (2008) (Japan)

aka Ju-on Car 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Buying a used car for their trip to a majestic waterfall out in the middle of nowhere, a likable couple and their friends are detoured by some paranormal bullshit. Said bullshit is the tragic death of the car’s former owner and the fact that the restless spirit now resides in the automobile, going so far as to possess the vehicle. Unfortunately for our youthful heroes, this ghost is pissed off and as Japanese youths have discovered for decades: a pissed-off ghost usually equals an untimely death. There may be a chance to escape with their lives if they can somehow manage to find this spectral gal’s murderer and put her spirit to rest... or maybe something else is in the works. The opening slaying is a deviant bit of disgust involving a trusted beau fingering a knife wound, growing more and more sexually excited and widening the wound until he climaxes. It’s not at all what I was prepared for when it came to a cheapjack Japanese horror film shot in digital video about a possessed car. So, bad taste firmly coating my mouth, we switch over to the carefree group of attractive dopes road tripping. When they pass over a trail of blood on the road, the car comes to a halt and a nausea hits them like a slap to the face. A feral-lookin’ gal is seen by the driver but nobody else. Not letting a good time be spoiled, on they travel, behaving like idiots throughout. While this is going on there’s some injured dude wandering around the woods, breathing heavily and bleeding everywhere. Two of the youths sneak off to do what horny youths in nature enjoy most and the car starts bleeding. A vagrant shows up to unsettle some people, the one friend in a wheelchair has a camera with him and likes to point it at the breasts and thighs of the girls in the group and the ghost girl starts showing up to look all menacingly in the background while tense music plays. The bleeding guy stumbles across our heroes and the couple offer to drive him to the nearest hospital which is nowhere close to them. He’s thankful but also creepy and slightly threatening. A closed road puts a damper on their quest for help and the absence of cell service makes it impossible to call anyone. They decide to go back to camp when driving the opposite direction brings them right back to the closed road they were driving away from… oh no. The stranger seems happy he’ll be spending the night with the campers… double oh no. My keen detective skills are telling me this guy is up to no good. The ghost finally makes her violent introduction to one of the ladies and the discovery of her badly injured self bleeding by the car puts everyone on high alert. Back they go to the hospital and a road that won’t let them leave. This time they come across a creepy cabin in the woods (too late to help whatever her name was that succumbs to her wounds whilst driving) owned by that vagrant we met earlier, who is able to shed a light on the nefarious acts going on in the area. Low-budget spookiness features some stomach-churning perversion before settling into its standard ghostly revenge tale, which may not be my cup of tea (I’m not a Japanese pervert or anything, just your standard American one) but at least makes it memorable. There’s more effort put into the script than necessary for the style of film it is and that makes it way better than it has any right to be. It also keeps the deviant behavior at least pulsing under the main plot, as death doesn’t stop the wheelchair kid from fondling his secret crush and chewing on her hair… don’t worry, he gets dragged into the car to meet his maker before getting his rocks off… it also leads to a hilarious decapitation. It’s sicker than it should be but that just makes it better than expected. Call this one a begrudging recommendation from me but just don’t tell my mother you heard about it from me, I’d rather she not know what I do with my free time.

Exorcismo Documentado (2012) (Guatemala)

⭐️⭐️

Overlong Exorcist rip-off presents the same old story but this time in the found footage subgenre (although many of the shots make no sense in that aspect, so the film is not completely made up of the hand held single-person camera variety). A sixteen year old girl slips quickly from depression into demonic possession and an increasingly frustrated mother seeks help. Medical tests give her unsatisfactory answers and a psychiatrist begins to believe there’s more going on then he can explain as he watches supernatural shenanigans take place in the frightened family’s home. Eventually a priest gets involved but my patience had already worn well past the point of return. There’s some well-executed creep outs but most of the film comes off as a less than entertaining telenovela poorly acted and cornily scored. There’s a segment that goes for cheap shock as the doctor reads up on possession and scans over a bunch of gory pictures of corpses and surgery for what feels like forever. There’s also plenty of vomit, so if that’s your thing you may get more out of this than I did.

Evil Hits Evil (1983) (South Korea/Taiwan)

aka Three Dark Spirits 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Vengeance is the name of the game when a young wood-cutter becomes the unwilling vessel for the spirit of a former servant named Chen Fu. After showing interest in Master Hung’s beautiful lute playing daughter, Hung sent his gang of six vicious bastards (including a “comically” effeminate psychopath, a circus-style strongman and a perverted dwarf) to kill Chen Fu and his completely innocent parents. Now, the possessed wood-cutter is on a path of supernatural vengeance and Master Hung is about to learn the paranormal is as real as it is dangerous. Wonderfully weird Eastern horror flick with possessed corpse fighting, urine to the face (at least it’s his own), a badass female exorcist, an unsettlingly filmed and suitably disturbing rape by ghost, two badass exorcisms filled with Kung-Fu and wire work, and a lovable pug named Lucky. The comedy is dumb enough to endear and the sound design is sinisterly menacing for the most part. If you love weirdo cinema from the Far East, you should be in heaven.

Rush Week (1989) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A student journalist (and new transfer) digs a little too deep into some missing women and becomes the target for a medieval-axe-wielding manic in a cool mask and a black robe. It may have something to do with the recently reinstated BDB fraternity’s rush week rituals or the death of the dean’s (David Norliss himself Roy Thinnes) daughter a few years back. Pranks and partying feature more than any mayhem and there’s a few red herrings hanging around to keep you on your toes. The BDB president falls for the journalist and acts a little too suspicious to actually be the killer. There’s the lack of splat synonymous with this era of slasher, some bewbs, a bunch of pledge butts, necrophilia, a scuzzy photo session, a creepy cafeteria chef, catchy tunes, Gregg Allman?!?, a creep-o called Morbid Mort, a completely likable lead in Pamela Ludwig, a “Beaver Canoe” sweater and a refreshing fleshing out of characters as opposed to stuffing the cast with meat set for butchering. It definitely lacks the excess that so many fans prefer in their slasher flicks but it’s more interesting than meddling and all anchored by a lead you actually give a damn about.

Sabretooth (2002) (USA)

aka Jurassic Tiger/Prehistoric Tiger 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Those big brains are at it again. Fossilized DNA allows scientists to genetically engineer a sabretooth tiger, brining it into the modern world. Growth hormones make it even more dangerous than it should be. Of course it escapes and of course people start dying, mainly a group of folks on a hiking training expedition through the mountainous wilds of San Bernardino. Super charming Josh Holloway (a couple years before Lost) is one of the pros on the hike and I’m a fan of that. Anyways, a transport accident is what frees the apex-predator. Shady businessman Anthony (my guy, John Rhys-Davies) sees dollar signs and head scientist Catherine (Vanessa Angel) sees a Nobel Peace Prize and fame with the top secret work they’ve been getting into. Which is why when a hunting party is formed, the two demand it be taken alive. A hard task for expert tracker Thatcher (David Keith being exactly what you’d expect him to be) who has been told it’s a lion by the scientist and the business tycoon and is forced to bring the unlikely team with him on the hunt. This allows them to put everyone’s life in danger as they attempt to cover their unethical tracks. A great cast will always be a boon to any movie but especially to these SyFY Channel monster flicks. Easier to overlook the rough humor and weak scripting. A “DANGER: HOTTIE” shirt makes an appearance as does an “extinction sucks” top. I like all my casual wear to have a message. There’s quick flashes of the beastie for most of the film and it’s a mix of the expected trash digital effects and some animatronic wonderfulness that should have been shown more.

Free Spirit (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Given one hell of an opportunity, a young music journalist in the year of our lord 1973 is set to profile the titular rock group who vanished right after their first album and, now that they’ve returned from hiatus, they just may be the next big thing. Like most 70’s rock bands, they have a pretty big secret but as opposed to underage groupies, bestiality, drug addiction and playful Devil worshipping, this band’s skeletons are stuffed in a closet deeper and darker than most. When questioning them on their hiatus, the usually playful group of musicians become standoffish and vague. There’s something strange going on but they also seem to aspire to actually make it big. Filming at a Hollywood Hills afterparty finds the enthusiastic journalist plunging headfirst and blind into a nightmare scenario and since this is the only footage left that explains just what went down, I don’t think she’ll be writing for Rolling Stone anytime soon. An incredibly fun found footage horror piece looks the part as best as it can and sketches enough information in its short runtime to make it a good time. Also, the character Steven looks like a young Michael Showalter, and that makes me happy.

Surviving Evil (2009) (UK/South Africa)

aka Evil Island

⭐️⭐️1/2

A documentary crew sets up on a remote Filipino island looking to film an episode for one of those survivalist programs that exploded in popularity following the success of Survivor. Host Billy fuckin’ Zane (sadly not playing himself) and his crew realize something is very wrong when their laid-back production gets disrupted by something very dangerous in the jungle. Ya see, the lovable Southeast Asian spooker the Aswang calls the island home. If you’re not salivating at the thought of Billy Zane and Aswangs featuring in the same movie then I’m afraid you will find no joy in these pages and we probably shouldn’t see each other anymore. Anyways, their Filipino guide knows a little more than he’s saying about the island, the local tribe has recently been slaughtered and eaten thanks to a pregnancy (Aswangs got a taste for babies in the womb, don’t ya know) and unfortunately one of the crew has just found out she too may be pregnant. The blood-drinking fiends hide out in the trees, attracted to the scent of unborn babies and have a fear of fire. There’s also a legend about them attempting to use a pregnant host to incubate their own spawn… Uh oh. There’s Japanese gold buried on the island but of course the cave leading to those riches is the dwelling of the Aswang. Zane gets bit, body parts fall from trees, wild dogs show up and the delightful rubbery Aswang costumes don’t get nearly enough screen time. Should be comfortable viewing for those undemanding SyFy creature feature fans of which I am a proud member.

Fog²: Revenge of the Executed (2007) (Germany)

⭐️1/2

Oh Lordy! Something running one minute over an hour should not drag this much ass. But it’s German SOV, so here we are. Jenny is plagued by nightmares involving skeletons in robes chasing her through some negative-tented dreamscape. She and four friends decide to take a beach vacation and shit slowly goes bad. The suicide of some random dude starts everything off and soon some folks start dying. A journal is discovered discussing a plot by six Nazis to assassinate Hitler, they were caught and Jenny’s grandfather signed off on their execution. A fog rolls in and brings the six teleporting and sword-wielding Nazi skeletons with it. The gore is (very) cheap digital, the action is almost nonexistent, and Andreas Schnaas shows up as a lighthouse keeper that delivers some important information about stolen Nazi gold.... at least I think. There were no subtitles and my German is iffy. You may get five or ten minutes of cheapjack enjoyment but not much else. I don’t know if the fog being squared is supposed to imply that it’s somehow foggier than John Carpenter’s classic but I can guarantee there’s far less fog in this cheap-ass German flick.

Final Prayer (2013) (UK)

aka The Borderlands/The Devil Lies Beneath 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Vatican investigators look into paranormal activity at an isolated country church, attempting to demystify the whole ordeal and find proof of a hoax. Weary Deacon is coming off a case in Brazil that went horribly wrong, smart-ass and non-religious Gray is the tech specialist making sure everything is documented and stuffy Father Amidon is heading the whole operation. As they research the site they come to discover that the only recently reopened church was built on a pagan temple and a force far older than their religion may still reside deep under the earth. Gray tends to think the supernatural is at play throughout and Deacon stubbornly joins his point of view as terrifying encounters with the unknown persist while Amidon remains steadfast in his belief that it’s all rubbish. From its intriguing setup and character building (the Deacon and Gray bond building is perfect) to its gruesome and fitting ending, Final Prayer is a crowning achievement of the found footage subgenre.

The Call (2020) (USA)

⭐️1/2

In the fall of 1987, Chris moves to the small town of Willow Falls and immediately catches the eye of classmate Tanya. He meets her friends and they bring him into their ritual of terrorizing local “witch” Edith Cranston (genre queen Lin Shaye) who they believe responsible for the disappearance of Tanya’s little sister. After plenty of torment, Edith hangs herself and her husband (Tobin Bell) puts a plan in motion to get some revenge. He calls the teens over to his home. Turns out Edith had included all four of the dinks in her will and there’s a cool 100K in it for each of them if they perform a simple task. Each kid is invited, one at a time, to make a phone call and on the other end of the line is the phone that was buried with Edith. If they can last a minute, the money is theirs but things are never that simple and a personal hell is about to be unleashed on each of the teens. The cast ain’t half bad and there’s a small amount of creepiness in the works but I found myself dozing off more than once.

Kaalo (2010) (India)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had some fairly low expectations going into Kaalo. From what I had read it was a semi-remake of Jeepers Creepers II with some minor Indian flourishes. While there is barely any dancing and singing, Kaalo still manages to retain enough of that classic psychotronic Eastern cinema vibe to keep me smiling. It's cheap as all hell but that's just part of the charm. In the 18th century, the desert village of Kulbhata was terrorized by an evil witch. This witch was sacrificing young girls in pursuit of immortality. The villagers eventually fought back and killed the monster but lived in constant fear of her returning. It became too much and Kulbhata was abandoned and has remained a ghost town for over two hundred years. Enter a small construction crew disturbing the empty village and faster than you can say "you really shouldn't be doing that" the crew is dead and the angry monstrosity is back with a vengeance. Nearby, a bus has just picked up a young man who goes by the name Sameer. He's on his way home with a bunch of dynamite and a plan to end a bad drought in his hometown. Handsome and brooding, it's quite obvious Sameer will be our hero. Also joining him on this ten hour bus journey is an older couple in route to see their grandson, a young girl on her way to her grandmother's house, a couple of lovebirds, a model and her photographer (who resembles an Indian Paul Naschy) and a quartet of rowdy young men on their way to a wedding (one of them vaguely resembles Artie Lange). There was also a family of four scheduled for travel but they are done away with by Kaalo before the bus can get to them. The group encounters a mysterious gorge in the middle of the road and are forced to change their course setting. This puts them traveling right through the cursed village of Kulbhata. The only one weary of this change of plans is the elderly priest who knows what evil supposedly lurks there. Nobody listens to him and they commence with the journey. Sure as shit, Kaalo strikes from the sky (she has poorly rendered CGi wings) and from below (she speedily travels through underground caves, popping up on her unexpected victim) with her nasty-looking antique battle axe. Sameer and the young girl forge a delightful friendship and he becomes her protector when it becomes clear what the old creature is after. There is a reoccurring song that shows up randomly but it doesn't slap like the dance numbers in other Indian fare. It's mostly played over existing dialogue so it just serves to make it look like it's being horrendously synced. There's some blood but nothing massive (as is common) and the infighting amongst the group is kept to a minimum. The witch is fun looking and the awful CGI accompanying her is pretty damn endearing. Add to that a likable cast and you have a moderately fun film that goes 90 minutes (as opposed to the two hour plus runtimes I've grown accustomed to).