⭐️⭐️
Sister Sarah Jane is a traveling evangelist with a bone to pick with fornication and the sinful men who love it. The lustful scumbags are a stain (any body fluid, really) on the earth and this psycho woman of God is setting out to rid the land of this particular scourge. The horny males populating the grimier patches of Los Angeles are soon coming to nasty ends at the maniacal hands of the Lordly lady. When she weaves her hellfire and brimstone spell on a young lesbian, she gets herself some bait to lure the dopey dinks to an early, much-deserved grave. Imagine how many sweet and innocent young girls have been saved thanks to Sister Jane’s holy work! Red paint and butcher shop splatter are left behind in pathetic bedrooms but more importantly we get a wonderfully folksy title song composed and sung by Jim Wingert. Its dark subject matter clashes with the sweet, sweet angelic vocals of Mr. Wingert and I fell deeply in love almost immediately. I guess title songs are a kink of mine and hey, it’s a great way to explain the plot without those tricky things like dialogue and character work. I wouldn’t expect them in a sex flick. A misogynistic guy complains about Sarah Jane humming hymns as he’s trying to give her head and then confesses to having multiple wives, several estranged children, even more one night stands and very little patience for women with opinions. This pillow talk leads to an unconvincing blowjob, somehow even less convincing sex and a fatal switchblade before ejaculation. Sara leaves the message “God is “Love” Not SEX” in lipstick on the mirror of the sad hotel room. Sister Sarah takes to the streets to preach, play the accordion and collect donations. She also spreads her message of sexual repression to a hotdog stand and attempts to con a free meal after yelling at a smooching couple. This is where she meets Penny, who she recognizes as someone who actually donated to her on the street, and they get to talking about their anti-sex beliefs. Penny offers to let her stay with her while she’s in town. Sister Sarah immediately initiates her to the cause, swearing her into servitude and also pocketing valuables around her house. She’s a real shit, much like most of those religious nuts that claim moral superiority and fully embrace their delusions of grandeur. I’m pretty sure that’s the point. A movie with a message and also unappealing flesh, limp dongs, sex via rubbing and bush! Low-effort gore pops up from time to time but the almost-graphic sex is way more stomach churning… but that’s all to be expected. If you’re into the kind of “hardcore films” that consist of an enflamed ballsack rubbing against a vagina, well, that’s a new one to me but this movie is definitely for you. A bunch of rambling filler, a bunch of actors who look like they’re running a low-grade fever and a bunch of clothing choices that would make a clown throw up make this a boring yet bizarre enough adventure in scummy waters.
aka Don’t Peek/The Ghost of Matilda Dixon/Tooth Fairy
⭐️⭐️1/2
A supernatural fiend takes out townsfolk unfortunate enough to live in the place where she was lynched by an angry mob more than one hundred years earlier. Matilda Dixon was falsely accused of murdering two kids thanks to a horrible disfigurement by fire causing her to stick to the dark due to the light bringing nothing but pain and forcing her to don a porcelain mask, making her an easy target of blame. Now she takes the form of a creepy-ass tooth fairy (she used to trade kids money for their teeth... yeah... I know, completely not weird at all) who pays a visit to anyone losing their last baby tooth and you better pray ya don’t catch a glimpse of the creepy-ass creeper. A child who survived an encounter with the pissed-off ghost comes back to the town that accused him of murdering his mother (they don’t buy his story of a porcelain-masked specter) to help out his old girlfriend when her little brother claims the spirit is back. It won’t take long for a few unlucky schmucks to realize there is definitely a reason to be afraid of the dark. Bodies start dropping and the cops suspect the returning Kyle is taking out folks in their quiet and creepy neighborhood. Light on splatter and memorable protagonists, the film banks everything on its cool-as-hell killer and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t hit classic territory but Matilda Dixon leaves enough of an impact to justify a few rewatches. Angus Sampson shows up as a local shithead and Emily Browning out acts everyone during her brief appearance.
aka Horror of the Werewolf/The Werewolf and the Yeti/The Hall of the Mountain King/The Curse of the Beast
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Our boy Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy, of course) heads to the Himalayas with an expedition as they search for the fabled Yeti, following in the footsteps of a doomed prior expedition. Yes. That very idea has me salivating as well. We get a quick pre-credits Yeti attack to let us know just what went down. The dead explorer leading the trip managed to send out a Yeti scalp and photographic proof to his elderly colleague who invites Daninsky to join him (along with the old man’s smoke-show daughter and obvious doomed lycanthrope love interest Sylvia). Bad weather halts their plans to journey into the mountains but a guide claims he knows a path through and our man of action decides to take him up on his offer while the rest of the team waits out the dangerous weather conditions. The famed adventurer and anthropologist Daninsky gets abandoned by his skittish guide and winds up in the clutches of two demonic nymphs who inhabit a cave our man is drawn into while braving the elements and noticing a light. It seems to be some sort of makeshift temple due to its standing as sacred ground. These sultry vampire-demon-ladies nurse him back to health and keep Waldemar as their sex slave for nefarious purposes. Some guys have all the luck. Not so lucky is their cannibalistic tastes which Daninsky stumbles upon once he can finally get out of bed thanks to a break from bumping uglies. He manages to slay both women with an arrow pulled from a toothy corpse they’re worshiping but he gets bit before dropping the last demon lady. You know what that means… we got a werewolf curse running through the veins! It’s exactly what happened on my second trip to Everest. While this nonsense is going on, the rest of the expedition begin looking for their missing member. A clan of bandits (remember, there’s always bandits in a Paul Naschy flick) stalking the expedition get taken out by the newly fanged and hairy Daninsky and then one of the expedition members gets his ass mauled. It’s ok, he was a rapist. Somehow, things get worse because a dangerous group of Mongols under the leadership of Sekkar Khan and his even more dangerous and scheming second in command Wandesa (the captivating Silvia Solar) capture the team and get to some shockingly gruesome (but not that convincing) torturing. Luckily, there’s a werewolf wandering around and his darker-than-usual ass (elevation?) has no problem tearing apart torture-happy jerks… but also innocent folks. Ya take what ya can get. He does get captured pretty quick and Wandesa has some sinister plans for the monster to help her gain a shit-ton of power. Yeah. I’m sure that will work out fine for the baddies. A yeti shows up near the end and tussles with the werewolf because eventually they remembered there was a yeti roaming the mountains. The plot may be built completely on convenience and Spain is about as convincing as stand-in for the Himalayas as wintertime in Illinois but that just adds to the charm. Boobs, beasts, beauties, blood and, of course, his barrel-chested majesty Paul Naschy check all the boxes for my Spanish horror shopping list. The usual doomed romance angle gets a happy ending this time out… I feel like Waldemar deserved the break.
