⭐️⭐️⭐️
It’s October... it’s 1986 and the suburban hamlet of Sleepy Hollow is being terrorized by a joke-cracking creep with the head of a pumpkin. The old pumpkin-headed bastard (Jack, if you must know) is after the souls of some high schoolers because the town ancestors banished his ass to Hell sometime in the 1800s. The “kids” ramble on about horror films, spewing 80’s slang as Jack cheaply slaughters ‘em one idiot at a time. The magic number is six and if Jack can collect that many souls, he’ll be able to walk the earth in his human form once more. A zombie pops up and the leading lady dresses up as Jack Burton to attend the Halloween dance and kick some pumpkin-man ass in this modern day SOV offering. It’s purposely bad but way more charming than it has any right to be and at 44 minutes, it doesn’t overstay its welcome.
⭐️⭐️
It’s 1937 and a young man begins his job as a prison guard (in the clerking capacity) at the most famous prison in the world on an overnight shift. Charlie Schmidt (Tom Hendryk who is somehow not Arthur Darvill) needs the work to keep up his end of a contract that will allow him access to his trust fund, so he’s willing to put up with any bullshit that comes his way… within reason. As the title cleverly hints at, dangerous prisoners and asshole superiors aren’t the only thing our boy Charlie is gonna have to put up with, nope, there’s some supernatural doings transpiring in the block he finds himself in. That would be D block, a place the old-timer guard lets him know is cursed to hell and full of lost souls who may just walk the halls at night. It’s also the prison’s solitary confinement, so some of the worst human inhabitants show up there. In his attempt to be efficient, he stumbles across some suspicious behavior by the institution and gets warned off by the old timer that it may be best to not dig around. Criminals are dropping dead in solitary and Charlie isn’t exactly satisfied with just assuming suicide and this ruffles some feathers, especially with the warden who already doesn’t care for the kid and wants everything to stay calm and quiet as he guns for a new position off the god-damned island. Bribery fails, there’s a supposedly haunted cell, morals get in the way of survival, a cute nurse catches our hero’s eye, daddy is too busy to talk to his son, Shakespeare is quoted, one-sided phone conversations explain plot and there’s a mystery to be unraveled that may just save Charlie’s life. Another period piece horror flick from Steve Lawson (The Mummy: Resurrection) isn’t as successful as juggling its budget restraints with its story but it’s still watchable and is anchored by some likable leads and solid(ish) performances… even if the film really pumps in the melodrama and really doesn’t believe in subtlety but not in the fun exploitive way that horror usually tosses away subtlety.
aka Forgotten Legacy
⭐️⭐️1/2
Renewed interest in a batch of murders originating in the isolated Sierra Nevada mountains and then spreading outward peaks when the perpetrator, Micah Anders, dies in prison. Micah (coming off like a theatrically creepy John Mulaney) was following in the footsteps of his twisted papa and reportedly had 19 confirmed murders under his belt before being apprehended. A four-year-old child among them. The FBI agent who captured him (Dale Maxson) retired and vanished for a decade shortly after the arrest but has been pulled from his now off-the-grid life by a journalist and her producer doing a piece on the infamous killer and the case which has just recently been reopened. A collection of footage, interviews (the killer’s sister who is also in prison for aiding her brother) and murders pieces together the interview and the crimes by the baby-masked killer as the former agent and the smug journalist talk about the disturbing case. Of course, being off the grid means there’s some shit Dale has not heard about. This includes two ghost hunters who were supposedly slaughtered by the serial killer but it turned out to be a hoax… a hoax which was a centerpiece of the murder trial. File that under oopsie. The conversation carries on and there’s talk of a certain mythology pertaining to the killings and the area which make for an interesting story but has Dale getting frustrated with his interviewer. There’s flashbacks within flashbacks, a long line of history discussed, a valid excuse to tell not show (even if they kind of still show anyways), questions being raised, performances that feel a lot more like amateur theater and a storytelling hook that works in the films favor even if it shouldn’t be running one-hundred minutes. I respect it for trying something a little different in its presentation of masked-killer thrills but it’s still pretty familiar for anyone who has been watching these kinda flicks since Se7en had them popping up every week straight to video. This one just has a supernatural bend to it which makes it more up my alley. Editing could have helped cut this down to a more appropriate runtime as the story does not justify the length but it’s still not a waste of your time at least once.
aka President Evil
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
David Arquette’s directorial debut sets itself up as a possibly heavy-handed horror flick which may be taking itself a bit too seriously thanks to some somber opening credits utilizing disturbing footage of the Vietnam War. Luckily for us, it doesn’t take long for it to show its true colors as a goofy and colorful slasher flick throwback. A van full of modern day hippies makes their way out to a music festival in the middle of the woods. This proves to be a horrible idea, and not just because of the rampant drug use and lack of showers. No siree! Turns out a Reagan-fixated nutjob has donned a rockin’ Ronnie mask and a no-nonsense suit and is taking various sharp instruments to the partying hippies and the jerkoff rednecks hanging out in the area. Practical gore splats across the screen and a stellar cast has some fun with the material. Paul Reubens is fantastic (because of course he is) as the sleazy festival head and Thomas Jane offers some deadpan fun as the de facto area lawman, Buzz. The group of friends (including Jamie King, Lukas Haas, Paz De La Huerta and Jason Mewes) are suitably likable and/or annoying. It’s a damn fine time watching the murderous Reagan-lover taking an axe to those damn dirty hippies!
aka Wolf’s Lair
⭐️⭐️1/2
Eleven teenagers are invited to an exclusive skiing workshop at the mountain-set Wolf’s Hole camp. An avalanche has made travel there next to impossible and the first sign that something strange is going on rears up when the camp supervisors insist that there should only be ten students and one among them is an intruder. Isolation and teen hormones are one hell of a mix and the snowbound dorks have trouble adapting to the dilapidated digs they’ll be calling home for the next week. As it looks, the camp heads are definitely up to something and the kids are set to learn a thing or two about responsibility and survival. Nothing is that simple and things just grow stranger and stranger as the kids become more unlikable and turn on each other. Of course, if we were just dealing with annoying ass-clowns acting like teenagers this movie would be the dribbling shits, luckily for us the trio in charge are not what one would call human and they present the kids with a proposition; they must sacrifice one amongst them in order to leave. The ice cold scenery brings on the atmosphere and there’s a nice sense of claustrophobia running rampant but without many likable characters it doesn’t make for a thrilling time. Still, you’ve spent worse times in the freezing cold with a bunch of Czech teenagers... at least I have. In case you were curious; none of those awful teens die but there is body concealment via snowman and climactic heroic stripping, so that’s a win.
aka Parasite
⭐️⭐️
In the far-off year of 2022, the crew aboard the maintenance ship SPACECORE 1 is sent on a routine repair mission to a weapons satellite orbiting high above planet earth. A system malfunction forces them to dead drift over the dark side of the moon. They begin running low on fuel and oxygen but the shocking revelation of a NASA space shuttle floating in orbit offers them a shred of hope. The worse-for-wear ship manages to dock but when they board the thing, looking to replenish their supplies, they find nothing living aboard. Water damage litters the ship and the fact that NASA hasn’t been operating for thirty years just raises more questions. A corpse is discovered but when it seems he died recently, they begin to suspect there may be someone else on the ship. The SPACECORE computer system (in the form of a leather-clad lady because of course it is) gives the lieutenant some history on the NASA rocket and discovers it crashed to earth decades ago, landing in the god damn Bermuda Triangle! The corpse rises and shit goes south right-quick. Seems that Ol’ Scratch himself is now aboard the vessel and he has himself some malicious plans. Possession and death begin whittling down the crew. It’s an intriguing premise which is sadly stuck in a boring-ass, predictable film. The industrial minimalist set design calls to mind Alien and the story offers up some vague memory of Event Horizon but it lacks the talent (although the cast is capable) or budget of those superior flicks. A cream allergy comes into play, the sexy computer gets her head blown off and this flick limps to its ending.
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Shawn Ruddy is an internet personality who is looking to win back followers and sponsors after a stunt offended way too many people. Now he’s looking for those likes by spending the night in a supposedly haunted house all on his lonesome. He locks himself in, does some exploring and shit spirals out of control. An intriguing history and some creepy footage from former investigations add a nice level of dread to our “hero’s” journey. A fan joins him when she breaks into the place (much to his relief) after some spooky shit goes down and as much as he wants to leave, the millions of views change his mind. Writer/director Joseph Winter (sharing the duties with wife Vanessa) is perfect as your typical YouTube idiot who bites off way more than he can chew. Some good scares, successful humor and a solid pace keep things rolling and make it easier to look past some of its issues. The lead is unlikable by design and gets on the nerves a little but the whole ordeal works more than anything, especially as it goes off the rails.
