Those annoying twins that came to well-deserved ends in the first two installments once had a daddy and that papa worked security for a company that was closing down back in 1996. Why is your humble fabulous sharing this bit of family trivia about two sentient sacks of shit that call themselves siblings? Has he fallen and banged his head on a marble statue of the gummy Venus de Milo? No. Of course not, that statue is safely kept behind display glass in a sealed room where I will be entombed next to my ALF POGS and nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. Nope, it’s the plot of the unwanted third entry in the Last Five Days trilogy because there is no God and we deserve every bad thing that happens to us. So, here we are in the third outing of a series built on the basis of cursed fruit… at least I think that’s what I remember. I’m not going back to double check. A narrator with a bad case of the sniffles and going by Wanda X lets us know she has been following the tragedy of the Sanders brothers and uploaded all the footage we’ve seen, she also lets us know that there’s a tape their father made during his last patrol and it has to do with the demonic fruit. Great. I was right and didn’t have to rewatch anything. We play a little catchup with the detective from the other movies and some footage of the brothers being dopes (a “greatest hits” of scenes that are neither “greatest” or “hits”) and then jump into the ‘96 footage featuring Jacob Sanders. On the last night of his current job, Jacob has decided to film things because he’s experienced paranormal activity during his years of service and figures since it can’t hurt anything, he might as well attempt to catch shit on tape. Jacob is way more likable than his kids (I imagine their mother is unbearable) so at least we’re not smashing our heads against the wall from the moment he begins speaking to the camera. I mean, he’s not winning any personality awards but he’s not immediately waving red flags while gyrating to Kid Rock. Jacob looks into the building’s history (no time like the last fucking minute) and discovers the original owner was working on a “super fruit” while workers were going missing and local authorities covered shit up for a long stretch of time. Low-tier spookiness along with camera interference and a forbidden room that our hero is (of course) going to explore are all on the cards. Said room contains an empty pool, a creepy doll, plenty of caution tape and some bad vibes. Big brain Jacob finds a music box in the room containing the cursed fruit and the term “familiarity breeds contempt” immediately comes to mind. I can full-heartedly admit it is the best outing of the series with the most likable protagonist and a setting that is at least passively atmospheric but please don’t take that as a recommendation. It’s still kinda boring but it does wrap things up and there hasn’t been another one to follow it so that’s something.
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