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On a learning excursion in Ireland with a focus on Celtic and Druid rituals, a group of American university students move into a beautiful cottage on a beautiful lake, surrounded by an ancient forest. It also happens to be the ancient festival of Samhain at the moment. A few days earlier we witness the savage murder of two campers in the area. Chasey Lain (How the West Was Hung and Coed Cocksuckers 14) shows off her goods prior to a violent end and her boyfriend Billy Drago (Jungle Run and Clown Motel) finds her severed in two. Bummer, man. He takes a blow to the head and wakes up chained to a stone alter in the middle of a cave, eventually finding himself roasting on a spit. I think it’s safe to say that this little getaway will not be ending well for our college-aged heroes. An incestuous clan of cannibals (have ya heard the legend of Sawney Bean?) have made their home in an abandoned copper mine nearby and if incest in horror films has taught us anything, it’s that in-family breeding creates giant mutant monsters who can’t feel pain and kill with preternatural efficiency. Karen Douglas (Bobbie Phillips or as I know her, Dr. Bambi from The X-Files) chaperones the trip. Timid Shae has problems fitting in with the college kids, likable Barb (cute Gillian Leigh) is a sarcastic cheerleader, “macho” Steve constantly references horror films (he’s like Randy from Scream but completely unlikable) and then there’s a couple who are also there and kinda horny. Also, Karen’s boyfriend shows up to surprise her. All in all, it’s a good supply of meat for the deformed family of cannibals in the area. The clairvoyant caretaker and his sexy cousin Pandora (Ginger Lynn from Poonies and Between the Cheeks) fill the teacher and her boyfriend in on the sacrificial history of the seasonal festival and warn them to stay inside after dark. This warning goes ignored and the group starts getting themselves eaten. The couple wander off into the woods for some alone time shenanigans and stumble across a dilapidated castle which stands over the old mine. The bodies start dropping in rapid succession following this discovery. Jenna Jameson of Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business fame, shows up as a hiker to get murdered and have her breast implant torn out because of course that happens. There’s also intestines pulled out of a poor guy’s butt (through jeans, so don’t worry), Ginger Lynn kicking some mutant butt (briefly), the inexplicable long survival of the most annoying of characters, a Sawney Bean flashbacks and an ending that makes almost no fucking sense. There’s very little charisma when it comes to the cast which is a damn shame. Ginger Lynn (doing her best Irish accent) and Gillian Leigh fare best but they’re sadly underutilized and we spend most of our time with sentient wood or in Dr. Bambi’s case; someone who doesn’t seem all that happy to be there. The violence is wet and graphic, the inbred threat is from the Wrong Turn school of monstrous (which I’ll never complain about) and there’s more than a couple bewbs. Not high praise but at least that’s something.
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