American Conjuring (2016) (Canada)

aka Bind 

⭐️

A family of idiots doesn’t recognize the paranormal dangers of moving into an abandoned orphanage and to the surprise of nobody, encounter a malevolent force. A pre-credits flashback to 2004 lets us see that one of the orphans was bullied by a bunch of little pieces of shit and there was already a little poltergeist activity going down in the place before a dare in the building’s basement ended with a spectral encounter and the disappearance of the bullied girl. The pack of bitchy children that dared her keep their mouths shut and don’t let the orphanage operator know where the birthday girl went. She comes back from her basement trip acting a little off and murders the trio of awful children as the decaying-ass spirit watches on approvingly from an orphanage window. Four years later, the murderer kills herself after claiming it was the fault of the ghost of the original homeowner (a rumored child killer). A journalist delivers most of this because it’s much easier than showing the interesting bits or even discovering it naturally. And now we’re all caught up as the goober father, mildly attractive mother, moody teenage daughter, younger daughter and (only likable character) Chloe, the family mutt, arrive at their new home. Papa Ben plans on utilizing the new location’s quiet to write a novel and teenage Zoe plans on utilizing the stress of the move to get under her mother’s skin and annoy the hell out of her stepfather. The littlest daughter sees the ugly-ass ghost before even entering the house and, to add to the disquiet, the woman who ran the orphanage stops by to warn them about the tragedies that happened in the home’s past. Teddy, the dumbass who sold them the house, flips out on her and threatens to call the police. There’s practically a giant flashing sign in front of the place that screams “STAY THE FUCK OUT!” so it’s a little hard to feel any sympathy for these idiots. Furniture moves, the giggles of phantom children can be heard in the shadows, arguments erupt, wood is chopped whilst shirtless (Ryan Reynolds this ain’t), wheezing POV stalks the place, doors open on their own, grubs get thrown up, Dad becomes a real prick, the youngest obviously gets herself possessed and everyone is miserable. Sure, all of the characters (and actors portraying them) are ass but the supernatural protagonist is someone rocking heavy prosthetics and makeup… so I’m good with that trade off. That’s the one good thing, so do not take this as an endorsement because everything else about this is varying degrees of butt. Think the Amityville remake but handled by someone who fell down the stairs and hit their head on every step.