⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Strapped for cash, anthropologist student Bob Martin rents a room from sultry Crystal Traum with the promise of a large grant the university is sending his way. Bob plans on studying in the general quiet of his new digs. His new landlord lives next door and is into healthy living and immediately works on getting him into her odd new-age-religion/self-help-group named Crystalnetics. The opening murder of a young girl by some stab-happy black-robed goons clues us in that the Crystalnetics cult is up to no good. The girl nearly escapes but just as she’s about to taste sweet freedom some awesome-looking monster snatches her with a gore-soaked tentacle… nice. Bob watches the… uhm… well-built landlord stretch before a jog and falls under her spell. Bob chain smokes, fantasizes about Crystal and acts like an ass on the path to his masters. His professor isn’t happy with his work and his grant money is withheld until he starts showing some promise. While this is going on, we see the cult get up to blood drinking and sacrificing to their goofy monster overlord. They also have some sinister plans for Bob in the works, they just got to get him cleared of all his nasty habits before the next lunar cycle or some shit. The more than 2,000-year-old Crystal begins working her magic and Bob begins living a better life. He begins focusing on Crystaltology and his professor warns him of the dangers of the offshoot religion. The professor advises him to stay away from the temple and Bob takes his warning to heart. A German detective shows up (the Crystaltologists were kicked out of Germany after a bunch of bodies drained of blood turned up) and he’s digging into Crystalnetics and the trail of corpses they seem to be leaving in their wake. A chance encounter with the snooping sleuth further wisens Bob up to the evil machinations afoot. The clock runs down and Bob has to figure out how to defeat the centuries-old malevolence looking to fuck things up. More low-budget goofiness from the hit or miss Sterling Entertainment (the Things anthology series and the persistent Camp Blood “franchise” among what feels like thousands of others) features a likably unlikable (does that make sense?) hero that looks like some unholy grunge version of Geddy Lee, a sometimes-claymation-sometimes-puppet monster, obvious years between filming, bewbs, cheap gore, footage I’m pretty sure I’ve seen elsewhere and ancient aliens. Jeff Leroy (Werewolf in a Womens Prison and The Witch’s Sabbath) adds another winner to his cheap thrills resume. It may lack the pure sleaze of those aforementioned bits of fun but it still works thanks to its enthusiastic plot and game cast. This is one David S. Sterling should be proud to have in his catalogue.
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