A scoutmaster shares the area legends of the giant hairy men said to roam the lands with his spooked charges. That night something big attacks their tent and the scoutmaster is dragged off. The gang of kiddos make it to a nearby cabin where one of the adults there heads off into the dark with a loaded shotgun at the insistence of the other guy sharing the cabin with him. He and his dog don’t make it. We then jump to present day Detroit where our blandly handsome hero Nick Peters wakes up to find his mom moping over medical bills. Solemn music lets us know that these are the kind of bills that ruin living conditions… so just your standard American medical bills. Those guys are the real fucking monsters. *Hold for applause* *Allow for standing ovation* Nick picks up a cutie before work and then gets word from his boss that a lawyer is looking for him. Turns out his estranged father has passed away and he’s been left some land and a cabin up north. Because he doesn’t really want anything to do with the man or his legacy, Nick initially refuses his inheritance but following the encouragement from his mama and the cutie named Cassie he is crushing on, he decides to give it a look. Helps that Cassie offers to take the trip with him. That’s like a perfect scenario for consensual smooching. Cassie knows the legends of the area and references the boyscout encounter we saw in the opening. She’s hyped as hell to go Squatch hunting… what a lady! The lawyer manages to run over a baby bigfoot (I think) as he attempts to find the cabin in the dark and big bastard ain’t at all happy about it, although judging by the movie’s opening, Bigfoot is pissed off anyways. Upbeat butt-pop plays as the youths drive through fall foliage that doesn’t match the interior driving scenes but I’m not a stickler for such things. Cassie takes time out to take some snaps which drags out to a long scene of camera snapping noises followed by black and white photos and a deer encounter. Cassie manages to coax the wild animal over to lick her hand. She claims she’s always been able to connect with the animal kingdom. I’d dismiss Cassie but the proof is in the Hallmark knockoff moment I just witnessed. They spot a squatch through Cassie’s phone and then discover the lawyer’s abandoned and blood-stained car (he took a boulder to the cranium) on the way up. Thrown rocks get Nick to put an end to his search for the car’s owner and the two dopes drive off. They stay in a hotel room to get their bone on and then instead of going home like they had planned, Nick learns there’s a whole bunch of money on the line with the catch that he has to spend one night in the cabin. Cassie refuses to let him do it alone… what a lady! The local sheriff is a dick and covering shit up. The two finally make it to the cabin after a stretch of spending time in the small town nearby that features real locals… I assume. To the shock of nobody, it turns out the man who died looking for the scoutmaster in the opening was Nick’s father. Nick’s mom shows up because she’s worried and then Bigfoot attacks as dramatic music plays while the North American forest ape acts all aggressive. Things come to a close with gasoline, an emergency cigarette and a hilarious flaming climax. Coming off like a lazy holiday movie you’d find on Freeform that wasn’t exactly good enough for Lifetime and wouldn’t even have been looked at by Hallmark… but this time instead of tree farms and bakeries with financial issues, it’s a cabin in the woods and a man-slaying Sasquatch. That’s a comfort zone I’m ashamed of having. There’s also a rear-projected Bigfoot car chase and it’s one of the greatest/saddest things I’ve seen in a long time. So I guess you could say it’s good but not by any effort on its part. Also, I’m a fan of the Bigfoot looking like some sweaty hybrid of an Appalachian Wildman and Neanderthal.
No comments:
Post a Comment