NOTHING! YOU EARN NOTHING BUT MY DISDAIN!
A skateboard champion goes missing high in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California. His abandoned hearse and a surfboard floating on the water is all that a local sheriff discovers. The rumor mill gets to work and talk of an overdose or suicide due to the pressures of his position begin to circle. His guilt-stricken older brother gathers some of the missing man’s friends and they head out on a road trip to restore the good name of the believed-to-be dead skateboarding legend. Bruce finds out what happened to his brother but it’s gonna come at a big cost. Hilariously overblown narration lets us know that our characters are Californians and everybody except the older brother will be dead by the time the end credits hit… two hours from now. Oh boy. This leads to an argument in a bar between brothers about freedom and corporate sponsorship and life and it’s just as melodramatic as the opening narration. Harsh words are said, mostly by older brother Bruce and this leads to Paul driving off angry. Three weeks later and he’s gone. Months pass and when one of Paul’s buddy’s pops back into Bruce’s life with a hilarious story about how Paul was planning to tap virgin territory by working with this “crazy genius” who was developing some “rad new technology” that could bring surfing back into skateboarding. Wow. Now that’s a fuckin’ story! They were also arranging to film a movie about it. This was Paul’s dream and they’re planning on making sure that legacy lives on. All they have to do is sell some weed to get out of debt and finish the movie. Wait… *checks notes*… yep. There’s a drug-selling montage and it’s off they go. There’s also skateboarding and surfing going on. This movie is two hours long. That “crazy genius” (who looks like Geddy Lee if he were a trust-fund baby) is also shown creating his new “rad tech” by smelting… this extended montage is numbing my ass. After ten minutes that feel like a lifetime of fucking montages, the group of unlikable and unmemorable people hop in the hearse and journey to the location of their missing compatriots last known whereabouts… but there will be more surfing and skateboarding before they get there. After 400 hours of montages, melodrama and the kind of music that makes you jealous of Marlee Matlin, they all skate right into a big-ass opening in the earth and these annoying assbags finally start meeting their maker… well, after they do some skateboarding in the huge underground cave they’ve found themselves in and arguing amongst themselves. Nothing is helped because due to the opening narration we already know the worst of these characters makes it out alive… at least long enough to narrate this stupid fucking thing. Fuck this movie. I wasn’t the biggest fan of California before this but now, I hope to whatever deity is up there that I never have to set foot in that fucking place. If you’re a fan of surfing and skateboarding you may enjoy the long stretches of fuck-all but I’m more into the Midwestern sports like drinking and eating brown food so all this had me doing was checking my phone in disbelief that only a few minutes had passed and I wasn’t nearing the end. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being forced to listen to a Red Hot Chili Peppers album and I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies. Fuck this movie and fuck California… I finally understand why everything has been proven to cause cancer there.
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