*Looks at title* *Squints* *Grumbles and makes a noise that sounds like Vin Diesel in the middle of an incredibly problematic dump* A young man with a pube-stache house sits for a kooky old woman and you just know that house be haunted. The young man (Jim to his friends and loved ones) needs some funds and at one-hundred-bucks a night, the offer is just too good to pass up. The elderly woman warns him that the house has a mind of its own in between terribly acted arguments with her son. Anyways, her son thinks she’s losing her mind and is taking her away from the place for the weekend. He just needs someone to watch the house and Jim takes the job. Eunice leaves him with the warning that she’s not senile and there is something evil in the house. We also meet her grand-nephew who is definitely a shit-stain. But he’s off to Vegas, so he doesn’t matter. Jim’s friend speaks like how I imagine 60-year-old white men think high schoolers talk and it’s endlessly annoying… at least his girlfriend is cute. After a phone call with his father filled with guilt, we start seeing a spooky J-Horror ghost in the background. She also pops up in TV static because she’s lazy in her haunting style. Jim sees her that night, walking up the stairs and lookin’ like me coming home from a night out at Irish Times with a recently paid Ray Luksa. We flashback to the same thing happening to Eunice… great. Jim is obviously shook when daylight finally comes around but he musters up the courage and leaves the bedroom he’s been cooped up in since the encounter. Sharing the mentality of the people watching at home, he says “whatever” and goes on with his day. He also invites his friend (ugh) and his friend’s girlfriend (niiiiiiice) to come over and have some crispy boys. Hope you like tedious chatter. The dink passes out (jealous) and Jim smokes some of the Devil’s lettuce with his friend’s girl and has to turn her down when she tries to get a little frisky with him. They leave Jim on his lonesome and the ghostly activity starts up again but this time it’s worse. Jim goes to relax in a mall and runs into his friend’s hawt girlfriend. They go back to the house and drink some red wine in their underwear… huh? I think we skipped the good part. Bad dreams, bad digital effects, a silly possession, nobody even attempting to connect whatever available thread however loosely to the Amityville series, a strong focus on drama which the cast is incapable of handling, an award-worthy performance by an old lady who may be completely alien to human emotions, an eternity until anyone is placed in mortal danger and a runtime that should have been cut by like twenty minutes. Is it good? No. But is it worth your time? Also, no. Is it better than I expected? Maybe? I don’t know. I have very low expectations for these continuing adventures into the expanded Amityverse. At least there’s an attractive woman and a hero with a mustache that looks like a crotch a week after being shaved… I also kinda dig that ghost.
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