Clint Knockey: The Investigation (2012) (USA)

⭐️1/2

Paranormal investigators land their dream location and, to the surprise of no one, it turns into a clusterfuck. Although, “clusterfuck” is far too exciting a word for this particular brand of ass-numbing horror. The opening text tells us it’s based on actual events, the history behind the house is the usual local infamy and the shitty black and white footage sprinkled in the opening not only hurts the eyes but the brain. Wooden delivery from the NPIS team starts things off with a complete lack of urgency but I always find it pretty charming. I don’t know. I’m an idiot. A previous owner who sold the place before finishing his remodel warns the team to stay away before the video call cuts out and surveillance footage from the POV of the house (the local kids have a little bravery game where they knock on the front door and run) catches some spookiness. Rambling hijinks do not work to endear this trio of ghost hunters to the audience as they make their trip to the haunted house… they also add storm audio but do not have the budget to throw in any visual effects to actually (even half-assly) convince of bad weather. Probably spent their money of the digital flies which inhabit the house briefly. Awkward human interaction fills out the runtime (sometimes dragged out to ungodly length and featuring plenty of repetition) and the charisma void that is our team of investigators have this shit-film watcher begging for anything to happen to distract the brain. Turns out their doing their investigation on the anniversary of the tragic death of the house’s three inhabitants. A roofing accident led to the daughter’s untimely end (dads, please don’t let your children roof) and her father shot himself soon after. Mama found the bodies, went insane and then hung herself. That’s a whole lotta tragedy and now our trio of sentient lumber are right on time for some lethargically “intense” hauntings. Spider-crawling specters, evp “action”, night vision evidence, cold spot tomfoolery, expected knocking and anything else any ghost flick would need to make sure the filmmakers know that you know they have seen every other ghost flick ever made. All the boredom of an actual amateur ghost hunting trip is magnified by the unfortunate situation of trying to keep your eyes open surrounded by people you just don’t want to be around. It’s very cheap and it earns points in my book for doing what it can with neutered resources but there’s alot working against the good will I naturally dish out to these budget wonders. Minor fun shines in some spots (the climax is unintentionally hilarious) but there’s alot of awful overshadowing those limited rays of light. Somewhere within the sleep state between ignoring your doctor’s orders and crashing after a concussion and zoning out as a cousin you’ve never met goes on about a particularly boring sexual encounter with an imaginary friend, this paranormal investigation confidently shrugs and then craps its pants.