A pirate named Percival (who may have special needs) follows a treasure map through some beachside community and searches for his great grand pappy’s buried treasure. Instead of finding a proper pirate booty, packed inside are VHS tapes. No, there was no way I could have worded this to make it make any sense. Percival heads home and starts throwing tapes into his VCR… we get to watch the short horrors littering the tapes. Rotten Classmates features some school bullies (who may have special needs) do what they do to the wrong kid. He puts on a gas mask and an orange jumpsuit and begins to pick off the rotten apples. It’s notable for definitely being shot in an actual school. Stupid deaths and characters behaving like they’ve never seen human behavior before play out in this low-jack tale of revenge. It was shot by people you probably ignored in high school but it does feature death by child-proof scissors, loud music and a mop bucket… so maybe it was shot by people you were close friends with in high school. Vampire’s Lust follows the adventures of man-child Tobias heading out to grab some milk for his momma. During his walk home he gets bit by a giant and adorably janky-lookin’ bat. This is why once night falls, you don’t go out for milk. Tobias… a grown-ass man, mind you, returns home without the milk and gets in a shouting match with his parents. He stomps up to his bedroom after shouting “forget you all!” multiple times. He’s in pain and when he wakes up the next day he throws on some shades, has a pale complexion, notices his painted black fingernails and meets up with his buddy… oh fuck, it’s fuckin’ Coolduder. Fuck my life. They go out to the park to film a horror film and partake in comedy that is anything but funny. This goes on for what’s probably only a couple of minutes but feels like a few hundred hours. Coolduder finally leaves and Tobias goes to meet some old man in a field who he thinks is a producer. Instead of ending up on the stand in an episode of SVU, he meets a vampire (who may have special needs) who explains his new lot in life. There’s a Dane Cook poster, cheap fangs, a Dinosaurs poster, Coolduder “comedy” and an ending that isn’t really an ending. At least it ends and the pirate watching the tapes makes an AIDS joke. Next up is Resident Emo and I realize I’ve definitely made a mistake with my viewing choices for the night. An emo kid cuts his wrists with scissors but then some idiot delivers a package to him. The emo kid delivers emo dialogue and teenagers act like teenagers and it’s all way more awful than it sounds. If Coolduder shows up again, I’m giving up movies for a few years. We cut to an obviously pants-wearing and predictably unfunny Llyod Kaufman ad-libbing in a toilet stall as fart sound effects play. He calls the emo kid’s friend and explains that the emo kid was sent a cursed knife and if he cuts himself with it, they’ll be plenty of trouble… huh? A chunky kid has a hernia which leads to bloody diarrhea and a seizure… huh? Emo kid turns into a monster while at the park and kills a handicapped kid… ketchup and spaghetti gets put to good use. More backyard violence hits and it all features questionable performances from kids who can barely contain their laughter. That bit is charming, everything else sucks so bad it hurts. It would probably be offensive if it wasn’t so damn pathetic. So, exactly what you’d expect from high schoolers. A fucking mess that just keeps going. We finally get to the last tape and I thank whatever God is up there. A young girl with designing dreams gets a mannequin as a birthday gift from her mother in Mama It’s A Mannequin. Mama purchased the thing from some weirdo who placed an ad in the paper. The mannequin’s name is Yolanda and she costs an even hundo to bring home. It takes very little time for Yolanda to start murdering the unlikable partygoers celebrating her new owner’s birthday. It’s very cheap, shot in somebody’s kitchen and probably the best part of this damn thing. Balls get ripped off, birthday candles become an instrument of death, the group turns to human sacrifice in record time and we learn an important lesson about the power of a name. Oh fuck! It’s Coolduder again. Fuck my life. A wretched time which offers brief bits of amateur wonder but so much tortuous ineptness that you may have to tap out before the end credits… it’s ok, no one will be disappointed in you.
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