fuji_jukai.mov (2016) (Japan)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A team doing a report on the disturbing amount of suicides that take place within a beautiful forest under the shadow of Mt. Fuji come across a discarded cellphone. The footage from said phone is edited together with eyewitness accounts to present a full length feature. Teenage Ami journeys out to the Aokigahara Forest, planning to take her own life. A truly gorgeous location to put an end to the unfathomable sadness that some people cannot escape from. Two other teenage girls, Mi-tan and Hinata, join her after she invites anyone who is curious to come and see her take her own life. The whole plan being for them to upload her final footage for her. Mi-tan seems a bit excited (and slightly insane) and Hinata has a real quiet sociopath vibe to her but I think Ami is just content she won’t be alone in her final moments. The three girls trek through the woods, getting to know each other and building a dynamic that just feels off. Well, obviously because all of them are there for pretty awful reasons on the awful reasons spectrum. The deeper they travel into the vast ocean of trees, the more things begin to feel off, besides the natural offness you would expect to find in a place so beautiful yet soaked in that much sadness. Eventually, the inevitability sinks in and something it begins to feel like there’s a purposefully obscure layer running just out of grip behind this trek in the woods. The discovery of a corpse destroys some confidence and curiosity takes a backseat to fear. It also causes the girls to flee from their path, which sucks when there’s so much woods to get lost in. Night falls, a village deep in the forest is stumbled across and the truth comes out. The main crux of the footage is shot on iPhone and it works pretty well, interviews with locals and people familiar with the location add a nice bit of backstory to things that our main characters couldn’t have offered up without feeling completely out of place. It builds a solid atmosphere to the slow-burning dread and hits a few disturbing notes… that livestream moment is a fucking cringe-inducing heart punch. The film offers up a lot more than expected at 84 minutes but it also drags as it lulls in some spots. Thankfully the setting is a major advantage and makes it a bit easier to look past a plot that can’t really fill the runtime and is plenty familiar. It also doesn’t fumble the ending which is a worry that comes along with all found footage and mockumentaries.

The Ascent (2019) (UK)

aka Black Ops/Stairs

⭐️⭐️

A special ops squad, going by the name of Hell’s Bastards, are sent into a war torn stretch of the world to retrieve some intel. Upon wiping out a camp of soldiers, the team discover a blonde woman chained up in one of their tents. She bites the finger off of one of the soldiers and then warns the team to “not go down.” The prisoner may be a civilian but the hardass team leader demands the termination of the woman. One of the soldiers begrudgingly follows the order. Enemy fire pins them down soon after, but after some killing and ignoring of war crimes, the team manage to make it to the extraction point and flee. Surviving the dangers of infiltrating a violent civil war, the unit is thrust into something worse when the group of soldiers return back to home base. A busted elevator forces them to take the stairs and they find themselves trapped on an endless stairwell where their past sins come to collect and a failure to move upward leads to death. Time stops working, reality crumbles and the soldiers start dropping as they march on to their final judgement under the realization that nothing makes any fucking sense anymore. That spooky prisoner they shot in the head seems to be the one haunting their elite asses and the connection is made pretty quickly to how they got placed in this awful situation… something their dickhead leader does not want to admit. With doorways leading back to their strike on the camp, they get it in their heads that if things play out differently, they may be able to escape their current predicament. Dwindling numbers in their ranks make it difficult but it sure beats wandering up a staircase forever. The cast is more than capable and the little-seen spirit design is fine if not a bit familiar but it runs way longer than it needs to and loses steam with way too much time left.

Zombies: The Beginning (2007) (Italy)

aka Zombie 2009/Island of the Living Dead 2 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

In May of 2007 the trash horror community lost a legend. Not as popular as Argento or as talented as Fulci, Bruno Mattei shuffled off this mortal coil without much fanfare. It's understandable, the man was lacking in many of the qualities respected filmmakers exhibit. He excelled at rush jobs and ripoffs. The majority of his career is filled with forehead-slapping failures and the kind of wonderful crap most low-budget movie makers wish they could harness. But Mattei kept at it and the trash gods blessed him with a gift. As a lover of garbage cinema, I can't say that I enjoy any purveyor of crap more than Bruno Mattei (or any Italian filmmaker). Mattei passed away nearly half way through the year of 2007 but he had one last gift to share and it's only fitting that his final film would be a cheap-ass ripoff of the Hollywood blockbuster Aliens. Picking up where 2006's Island of the Living Dead left off, lone survivor Sharon (Yvette Yzon and just forget about her being a red-eyed vampire and treasure hunter) is found floating on what remains of her blown up salvage ship. After a brief recovery in the hospital, she is forced to answer for the millions of dollars lost in the explosion of the ship and materials aboard by the Tyler INC company. Needless to say, her story about an island of flesh-eating zombies is not being bought by anyone. She gets shit-canned and becomes a monk, hoping she'll find some inner peace and escape from her constant nightmares of her time on that awful island. Well, Tyler INC has other plans. A big-wig from the company tracks her down, looking for her assistance. Apparently they checked up on her story, found it to be true and transported some of the living dead to a research facility on a different island. Now, they've lost contact with their team and could use the help of someone who has dealt with the undead before just in case shit has hit the fan. Hesitant at first, Sharon decides to confront her fears and join the rescue mission. Faster than you can say "copyright infringement" her, the Tyler INC company man and a team of soldiers are off to the island. If you've seen Aliens, you know where this is going. Just replace xenomorphs with some shoddy and lumpy zombies and you've hit the nail on the head. But you must remember, this is a Bruno Mattei film so you're not just getting a by-the-numbers rip off. Instead you get mutant children, chest-bursting babies, a giant mutant baby with an eyeball on its head, a possible Sasquatch cameo and (in the pièce de résistance) instead of an alien queen we get an English speaking papier-mâché giant brain. It almost seems purposeful just how bad the film is but if that were so, I'd enjoy it a hell of a lot less. It's the reason I've never really enjoyed Troma films. It's different when the creators actually set out to fail. Charmless actors, low-budget SFX, the shocking use of the Game of Thrones theme and dialogue written by a brain damaged monkey (when its not being outright stolen) all litter the run time. There is nothing wrong with loving the masters of their craft and Italy had a shit-ton of experts. On the fringes of Italian cinema that rascal Mattei built himself a little home made of garbage and I'd much rather spend time there than anywhere else. Ciao Bruno.

Island of the Living Dead (2007) (Italy)

aka Island of the Dead/Island of the Living Dead 2006/Bruno Mattei’s Island of the Living Dead

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Uncle Bruno speaks to my garbage-lovin’ heart once again but not only does he offer up cheapjack adventure involving zombies and the lovely Yvette Yzon. No. That’s not good enough for Mattei… not by a long shot. He also throws in vampires and ghosts to his Philippines-shot disaster stew. Did this man just refuse to hold back? Treasure hunters get themselves stranded on an island where the usual awfulness that happens when the soldiers of Catholicism decide the local population is comprised of heathens went down a long time ago. We watch as conquistadors repeat the classic opening to Fulci’s Zombie (unfortunately there’s no boat that can leave now) while voodoo practicing villagers do their mumbo jumbo. There’s plenty of dead people being blessed until too many rise and manage to take out the conquering Spaniards. Footage from another film shows a fiery end to their habitation. Present day introduces us to our ragtag group of treasure hunting heroes as they celebrate the discovery of a large treasure chest. Unfortunately, the bottom collapses and all the gold pours out into the sea. Bummer. Beers and remorse follow but they can’t lick their wounds for long because a fog bank comes out of nowhere and the boat is wrecked. The fog lifts and they discover that they’ve ended up very close to an island that shouldn’t exist. Instead of radioing for help, Captain Kirk (come on now) makes the choice to hold off on asking for help. As disturbing visions of Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead begin to poison my mind and confusion plagues me as to why Bruno Mattei (as hungry to rip-off anything as he was) decided that this was the movie he wanted to get his twisted hands on. I respect it but it still horrifies me. Anyways, one dope stays behind to work on the boat while the rest of the team wanders around the island, gazing upon destruction and cemeteries. A zombie conquistador who does not look Spanish at all (maybe he liked the silly hat) watches on and then turns to the camera and hisses. Of course two split off from the group to investigate the crumbling graveyard straight out of Zombie and get to do their own spin on the cemetery scene from Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. It’s a fucking buffet of zombie flicks handled by a chef who shouldn’t be allowed to serve food. So, my kind of video heaven. The zombie attacks much like in Night but this time a tubby Filipino in an all purpose jersey and sandals manages to come in and bring the king-fu butt whooping to the living dead that was so sorely needed in Romero’s classic. The other group stumbles across spooky old tomes in an underground cave/torture chamber that should not be read by anyone, ever. So… they read the Latin text out loud even though it’s been well established the dead are already walking and eating. The mechanic goes first (well, the tubby dude actually dies by sacrificing himself but you find that out a little later) and the ship explodes because he presses the boat’s self destruct button which I guess is something boats have. With a blown up boat and a stolen lifeboat, the captain makes the bold choice to find refuge before night falls. That’s why he’s the captain. Night falls and they’re still wandering around, which leaves them out in the open when a horde of flesh eaters attack. Bullets get them out of the jam but they’re all just a few moments away from the next nightmare scenario. More searching leads to Grim Reaper statues that move and the retrieval of books that will clue in the team as to what went down on the island. In has to do with a Spanish galleon, a bunch of gold and the Bermuda Triangle. Uncle Bruno, you spoil us! A scene “borrowed” from Mattei’s own Hell of the Living Dead introduces a zombie priest, questionable wine drinking introduces a Spanish ghost, a Snoopy shirt is worn by a man named Snoopy, an actual cask of Amontillado is discovered, chained zombies litter a torch-lit hall, a dancing female vampire appears straight from her large portrait (Snoopy dances with her), this scene also involves an oddly effective bit where undead hands play a lute (the rest of the corpse is covered in shadow), a treasure is discovered with a growling and eye-patched zombie head inside (it becomes a regular skull after they close the lid and reopen it), Snoopy lets the team know the island is cursed which the rest of the gang inexplicably don’t believe, the eye splinter scene from Zombie happens (without the disgusting payoff), heads explode, people die, a ghost explains shit, a cobweb-covered countess is upset over stolen jewelry but takes the time to talk to a crew member and lay out the reason why the island is full of so much supernatural bullshit (cue more footage from a different movie!), skeletal monks appear (well, monks in skeleton masks that would make Jess Franco grin) and an escape plan is hatched well after most of our heroes have perished. There’s so much thrown at the audience that it’s easy to forget you’re just watching idiots walk around a spooky place, running into different shit and dying. There’s a main evil behind everything (revealed right before the elderly ghost/zombie countess is engulfed in flames) and it’s a vampire/zombie priest so that checks. The movie is a poorly plotted mess but it’s a poorly plotted mess from one of my favorite trash auteurs so I loved every silly minute. Love you Uncle Bruno, miss you all the time.

June 9 (2008) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

A group of annoying teens (who end up being called the “Ohio Mills 5” so you know this doesn’t end well for them) film their dumb-fuckery over a few days in June. They head to the supposedly cursed town of Ohio Mills (nicknamed Hell Town) when they get clued in on a weed crop hidden away in a patch of woods. The ringleader becomes fascinated with the local legends and keeps bringing his friends back to do more and more dumb shit. The slow escalation of the heebie-jeebies eventually reaches a violent coda. Well done found footage flick has a believable main cast and enough eerie vibes to keep things interesting.

Huggin’ Molly (2024) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Abbeville, AL is home to the titular legend and already this film earns my trust by shooting on location. Now, generations of children have been warned about the child-stalkin’ thing with a penchant for violent hugs and ear-piercing screams. It’s a good way to get your kids to rush home after dark and has also helped the place remain the only American town with a curfew. Searching for his missing twin sister (moving for her new job, happily pregnant and with her boyfriend driving her), Benny ends up in the small Alabama town and on a path to encountering some terrifying folklore. The opening footage of Sarah coming across something on the road lets us know there’s more than just legend to this nightmare entity. Benny records some footage of himself desperate to get in touch with his sister and then finding out she no-showed. He promises he’ll track her down. Following the last ping on her phone and discovering the area is ripe with disappearances and a conspiracy of silence by local authorities. A third character shoots introductory footage, introducing himself as Roberto, a Venezuelan at an Alabama university working on his senior thesis project for investigative journalism about the “other side of Abbeville”. Roberto shoots footage of his campus, the derelict areas of Abbeville and interviews students and locals. Benny talks his concerns over the disturbing occurrences in the area and explores the town that’s seen better days, talking to various townies who range from begrudgingly helpful to outright hostile. The discovery of an abandoned car in tough shape and a totem that looks straight out of someone’s Blair Witch nightmares has Roberto heading to a nearby diner (named after the local boogeywoman) and running into Benny who immediately recognizes that it’s his missing sister’s vehicle. So, our two heroes join up and dive headfirst into waters neither of them are prepared for. Local cops threaten jail time and revoking of student visas unless the duo drop it and get the hell away from digging into things. A helpful bartender points them towards a cabin in the woods where they may find some answers. They do find a video camera amongst the icky and unsettling garbage littering the crap-shack. On the camera is footage of a woman performing an occult ritual with splices of family video and a film student’s take on disturbing images. A blood moon eclipse approaches and something stalks the two curious and frightened young men. I’m a sucker for local folklore from the American South (you can blame plenty of youthful bonfires in Tennessee) and I’m also an unabashed found footage lover (trust me, I know it’s hurt me more than anything else) so Connor Flynn’s outing was right up my alley… the short runtime only sweetened the deal. Shaun Weiss (my hero from Heavyweights) gets a little cameo while our duo watch Internet footage about Huggin Molly, hearing various testimonials and watching hand-cam videos one usually finds on Nuke’s Top 5. So the runtime is filled out with different pieces of cinema which lessens the drag one usually finds in these things when you’re reliant on one man’s camera… we also don’t have to deal with the annoying cameraman we find in oh-so many of these first-person horrors. Granted, performances can be a little shaky but nothing offensive and idiotic choices are still getting made but if anyone in these things has survival instincts, we’d be in for one boring-ass time. It doesn’t exactly stick the landing but that just may be my preference for supernatural shenanigans unhampered by human maliciousness.

The Abandoned (2015) (USA)

aka The Confines 

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Streak is a young woman looking to get her life back on track following some bad business in her immediate past. She accepts a graveyard shift security job at a one-time upper class apartment complex which now sits abandoned. She’s desperate because this is basically her last shot before the state takes her daughter away. That desperation mixed with some psychological issues and the possible presence of something supernatural hanging around the structure has everything on shaky ground. Her new partner, Cooper, monitors the screens and is a bit cold to her but it’s Jason Patric so he’ll either warm up to her or end up being the villain. It’s her first night on the job and her coworker is a mixture of creepy and prick-ish. Stalling her in an elevator draped in darkness. she hears whispers and gets freaked the fuck out, much to Jason Patric’s pleasure. She walks the vast building, taking in the grand place and being impressed by just how magnificent it is. She discovers that a section of the building labeled on the map does not have a working security camera. Cooper assures her section 441 was never finished and it doesn’t matter. She presses the matter and he sends her to check it out since she won’t shut up. A locked door is there to greet her and some loud bangs behind the door tickle her curiosity. Streak believes there is something there, Cooper would prefer it all be ignored like their bosses have advised them to do. Everyone’s favorite cranky uncle with an exploding wheelchair, Mark Margolis, shows up as a homeless man trying to find a warm place to wait out a bad storm. Streak doesn’t listen to Cooper’s order of keeping him out and lets the man in to spend the night. She finds a hammer with the man’s stuff and uses it to bust open the padlock on the mysterious door in 441 while Cooper gets drunk on whatever he keeps in his trusty flask. Streak does not find an empty room waiting for her but a tunnel that stretches on into what looks like a catacomb. She walks in, curious as to what she’s just discovered. At this time, the homeless man takes some pills and decides those creepy-ass tunnels are the best spot to walk his dog. Streak finds the remnants of what looks to be an old shelter facility and she also sees a ratty little girl who vanishes almost as soon as she appears. That would go along with the spooky kid’s drawing she finds. I mean, in context they’re spooky because a long-abandoned basement shelter covered in children’s drawings is not something I would want to come across. Especially because Streak thinks there is somebody living down there and those whispers keep up. Streak manages to catch her breath when she oddly realizes she knows where she is but she completely loses her composure when a mutated kid pops up in her line of vision. Cooper thinks the bum was just messing with her and soon he and Streak are scouring the cameras looking for him. What we know and they don’t, is that it’s a fruitless endeavor because our dude just got himself perished by whatever ghastly thing is dwelling in the downstairs area. Streak does a little web-sleuthing and locates a news report about the institute for deformed and mentally disturbed children the place used to be. Guess what. It was a hell hole and the basement section was noted for being particularly vile. Cooper finds her pills and starts thinking his new partner may be a little crazy. So when she tries to warn him they need to shut that door (*cough* that she opened *cough*) he thinks she’s just delusional. He even handcuffs her to their desk when he goes down to close the door. Yeah. It’s too late. The ghosts are out, Streak’s past is the key and this night is about to turn into one of the worst first shifts in employee history. A minimal cast allows for room to breathe and thankfully everyone gives it their best. The damn thing would have been sunk without the level of talent in what basically equates to a two-person show. The supernatural threat is well-realized and smartly stays just out of focus for the majority of the runtime. It gets a little silly as it races to the finish line which I’m usually fine with but it put in such an effort to keep things on as solid of ground as it could during the build up that I couldn’t help but be a little let down when the ghost kid shows up for the corny exposition/flashback party and the ultimate cop out ending. Still, if you’re reading this, I’m 99% sure you’ve suffered through far worse things than twenty minutes of eye-rolling.

The Pyramid (2014) (USA/Morocco)

aka Site 146 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Pathetic cgi ruins what could have been a solid monster flick but it’s hard to keep grinning when your big bad is a less than impressive rendered boogeyman. In the desert near Cairo an ancient pyramid has been found buried under the sand. It’s quite the impressive find and may just turn what has been accepted of Egyptian history on its head. The father/daughter team of archaeologists are excited to get in there and a small documentary crew (two people) have just joined them. Unfortunately the political climate in Egypt is close to turmoil so the team is ordered to leave. They decide to send their NASA-loaned rover in there to get a quick look but when it seems to get attacked, they realize they’re going to have to go in themselves and grab the incredibly expensive piece of equipment. In almost no time flat they get trapped when the floor collapses and the robotics expert is injured. Not only do they have to deal with being lost in the catacombs and the slow-working toxic air but it would seem there’s something living down in the darkness. That living thing is a pissed-off Anubis who is savagely attacking the idjits wandering around the pyramid-prison he’s been trapped in for thousands of years. I’m always happy to see Denis O’Hare in anything and he lasts a lot longer than I thought he would. The idea is so damn wacky and on top of the canine-headed Anubis we get some boobytraps and zombie-like Sphinx cats on the prowl. Too bad the shit cgi takes you out of the fun whenever it’s stinking up the screen.

Skeleton Man (2004) (USA)

⭐️⭐️

Take 1987's Predator, subtract about ninety percent of the entertainment value and you'll be somewhere in the right ballpark. After a couple squads of American soldiers go missing in the same neck of woods, a dream team comprised of Delta Force and various military specialists are sent in to figure out just what the hell went wrong. What went wrong is a disturbed Indian burial ground has unleashed a horse-riding skeleton man who is exceptional at murdering. Michael Rooker, Casper Van Dien and a villain named Cotton Mouth Joe make the film watchable but the obvious plotting and endless stupidity destroy any rewatchabiliy.

Shortcut (2020) (Italy/Germany)

⭐️⭐️1/2

On a desolate road running through a secluded patch of woods, something not quite human and possibly ancient hunts. This is bad news for a group of high school friends who are riding on a tiny bus whose friendly old driver is forced to take a detour through the stretch of wilderness best left avoided. An animal carcass in the middle of the road forces the driver out of the bus. He drags the animal off to the side of the road and is taken at gunpoint by some derelict psychopath lookin’ like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. One of the kids recognizes him as a wanted lunatic with a penchant for eating tongues. So yeah, this is like the 3rd worst bus ride I’ve taken part in. The bus stalls midway through a tunnel forcing the hijacker to take a hostage and make the driver take a look at the engine. When the lights go out, something worse than a tongue-eating dude with a gun who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2 makes its presence known. One dead bus driver later and the group realize they’re in a bunch of trouble and not just because they’re stuck on a bus with a tongue-eating dude with a gun who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. He doesn’t last all that long anyways. That’s one problem solving another but that still leaves an unknown creature with a taste for blood to deal with. They’re forced to exit the bus when the creature makes it inside, so they journey out on foot, desperate for a way out of their improbable predicament. Their escape leads them deeper down into an expansive tunnel system that was probably some sort of military bunker at one point. There’s a little bonding between the kids as they search for a way out and uncover some history about the deformed monster still stalking them. It comes off a little disjointed as it fumbles while juggling horror and a vibe that I would equate to those 80’s “family” films that felt like they shouldn’t be watched by children but I am impressed in how it pulls off making a cast of teenagers all likable. It’s not a bad time, it just feels like it really could have been a better time. Also doesn’t help that some ill-advised narration opens and closes things.

Two on a Guillotine (1965) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Eccentric and macabre magician Duke Duquesne (The Joker himself, Cesar Romero) passes away, bringing his estranged daughter Cassie back to Los Angeles for the funeral. Twenty years ago his wife disappeared and he sent his daughter to live with family in Wisconsin. Soon after, he vanished from the public eye but not from their memories. Always the showman, Duke has made a promise he will return from the grave, not making it easier on himself, he’s buried in a chained coffin with a viewing window. A reporter senses a story and attempts to get in the good graces of the grieving girl, leaving out his profession. Duke leaves everything to his daughter (which his manager Buzz and housekeeper Dolly seem to take rather well) under the condition she spends a minimum of seven nights in his estate, in hope that their connection will allow his spirit to return. If she fails to last the week, Buzz and Dolly get to split the 300,000 dollar estate down the middle. The house is rigged with spook-show jumps but there may actually be something supernatural creeping around. Luckily the reporter is around to help her uncover some of the spooky shenanigans. There’s a locked room that’s a mystery to everyone but Duke (the key was buried with him), some revelations about just how Cassie’s father felt about her, your usual amount of scheming and the guillotine from Duke’s magic act that ties everything together. There’s also a nice touch of oddness and dark humor to make it go down easier.

Bloodstream (1985) (UK)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Sleazy video distributor William King tricks young filmmaker Alistair Bailey into thinking his film is garbage. King plans to make a bunch of money off Bailey’s hard work without giving him a cent and he won’t be losing any sleep over it either. Slipping into a depression, Bailey sits around, smokes cigarettes and watches horror films (all short and/or unfinished flicks by director Michael J Murphy) as his mental state deteriorates. He discovers the scuzzy shenanigans of King when his girlfriend (also King’s secretary) alerts him to what’s going on. Together they concoct a plan for vengeance. Alastair dresses up as the killer from his film and dispenses violent justice on those who have wronged him, filming it all as it plays out. Low-budget masterpiece was apparently writer/director Murphy’s least favorite of his filmography. He had plans to restore and remaster it before his death at the age of 63. I see it as a beautiful time capsule that comes off (for lack of a better example) like an early Polonia brothers flick but way more mature. It’s grimy and raw but that’s my kind of heaven.

Flying Monkeys (2013) (USA)

aka Winged Terror

⭐️⭐️

A workaholic single father (Vincent Ventresca... love that guy!) buys a pet capuchin monkey for his daughter after he misses her high school graduation. What we know, and this likable family does not, is that this monkey is a real bastard and has the nasty habit of turning into a crappy cgi monkey-thing with wings. The beast was smuggled in from China for some scuzzy pet shop owner in Kansas. The daughter names her new exotic pet Skippy and he takes a shine to her but he still gets up the no good because violent monster monkeys are gonna do what violent monster monkeys do. A pair of demon hunters from China carry on their family tradition and track down the sinister simian to the states. Apparently, the souls of evil sorcerers become the damn things or some shit and if they aren’t slain by sacred weapons they duplicate. Uh oh. It’s all pretty lame and not the right amount of stupid to put me in a forgiving mood. The two leads are alright and the goofy creatures keep things going but it can’t drag itself past being just humdrum.

The Beast Beneath (2023) (USA)

1/2

A small desert town in California gets hit with an earthquake (pathetic shaky cam brings said natural disaster to life and if you can’t stomach that then you might as well just shut this bad boy off now) and that’s not even the worst part. Nope, the worst part is that all that rumbling has awakened something very hungry. A soundtrack that sounds like it belongs in a level of Zombies Ate My Neighbors graces the viewer’s ear holes at the outset, immediately following the poorly birthed earthquake special effects… so I was happy and vibing right along. And then the credits kept going… and going… and going. Oh no. I then remembered Dustin Ferguson was the guy that shat out the wretched Moon of the Blood Beast… oh no. Down in the dumps but thankful there was less than an hour left already, I soldiered on… and walked right into B-Roll of nature and a scene of a snake slithering out from a log. Oh no. A woman goes for a walk accompanied by some of the least convincing walking sound effects I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard some deaf foley artists put very little effort into things. This goes on for much longer than necessary. She snaps some pics on her phone and is finally snatched by the tentacles of what may be the same creature costume from Moon of the Blood Beast. I could be wrong, I’ve pretty much erased that film from my memory. I just wouldn’t put it past the budget constraints. Two dopes hear the minor scuffle of the walking woman and go to take a look. The guy gets grabbed, the woman runs away and lets the authorities know there was a murder via monster. As if we didn’t have only an hour to work with, we fucking cut to Coolduder (Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!) watching a movie and I’m about ready to tap out. We then watch the movie Coolduder is watching about giant Asian murder hornets and Coolduder delivers the usual performance expected from his grating ass. He wanders out into the desert looking for someone named Norman who he just has to tell about the movie he’s watching and he too ends up food for the monster. It was a good choice. The first one this movie has made. Although, we spent way too long with the charisma slaughtering exploits of Coolduder. The police want to close down the park (I thought it was the desert… it looks like a windswept desert but I’m probably wrong) and the mayor doesn’t like that idea. It’s tourist season, after all. The mayor advises they do nothing and only put shit in motion if a body pops up. He blames pranksters because all the kids are on the pot nowadays. More people I don’t give two fucks about get eaten and by thirty minutes this movie has already overstayed its welcome by twenty minutes. Comedy that has no right being called comedy, a script that may have been one page that just read “Go to hole where monster is and die”, an episode of The Veil being watched on TV, a hero that looks like the offspring of Jason Mewes and Alessandro Nivola cosplaying as Jerry Cantrell and a monster costume (well, more of just a head and a tentacle never seen at the same time) that Slithis would raise its snout at but is still the best thing going for it. A charmless void of a film which isn’t even saved by the fact that it comes to an end at the fifty minute mark and then rolls extended credits. At least Brinke Stevens pops in.

Ghosthouse (1988) (Italy)

aka Evil Dead 3

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

I’ve always said that HAM radio infatuation leads to nothing but trouble and this movie sure as shit proves my point. A telepathic transmission drowned in creepy carnival music gets a data processing student and his chili-loving gal pal tracing the strange signal to an abandoned house in Massachusetts. They meet another HAM-head who is crashing there with a small group and discover the odd transmission came from him and although it’s his voice screaming for help in the audio, he has no recollection of sending anything like that over the airwaves. What the group of idiots aren’t privy to and we, the audience at home, are is that the house served as the scene of a horrific murder twenty years earlier. A creepy little girl and her creepier clown doll seem to be a source of some psychic energy which resulted in an axe to the back of the head for papa and a knife through the throat for mama. Our dear dinks decide to get to the bottom of the mystery and slowly meet supernatural ends in the haunted residence. The creepy clown doll attacks, a desk fan slashes a throat and there’s a big pit of boiling hot semen (well, probably not semen) under the basement floor. We also get one of the most annoying hitchhikers in film history (Rest In Power, Pepe), one of the most annoying siblings in film history, splattery deaths, a creepy caretaker with a homicidal streak and laugh-inducing dialogue. This film fucking has it all and if you like your cheese from the trash, you can’t go wrong.

Humongous (1982) (Canada)

aka Dog Island

⭐️⭐️

The monstrous offspring of a rape that took place more than three decades ago knocks off a group of shipwrecked youngsters on the remote island it calls home. The stranded group do a little exploring as their numbers dwindle down and unearth the secluded place’s dark history... not that it does them much good. The strong opening featuring the stomach churning rape (don’t worry, the rapist piece of garbage gets immediate comeuppance thanks to some loyal German Shepherds) and the suitably moody opening titles are let down by a somewhat unmemorable cast (with the exception of super cute Joy Boushel and super annoying John Wildman) and a bunch of wandering. The killer remains off screen for most of the flick which is a damn shame because he is suitably ugly and brutal. There are a few highlights hiding in its runtime but all in all it’s an easily skippable slasher flick.

Carnifex (2022) (Australia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

After raging bushfires tear through the Outback, a wannabe documentarian joins a couple conservationists as they head out to track and record animals displaced by the destruction. The trackers become the tracked when it turns out those fires have forced a terrifying legendary species out into the open. Territorial trespassing will do that and displaced animals are finding out they are on the apex predator’s menu, this is some bad news for our trio of well-meaning idiots. Disturbingly quiet woods, fur, prints, remains, unsettling scratch marks and something possibly feral showing up on trail cam (it’s impossible to make out) have the group rightfully excited until they realize they should be terrified. Tackling the modern Australian folklore/hoax of the drop bear (think an aggressive and carnivorous Koala) and throwing it into the real world is pretty damn fun. The opening stretch doesn’t have much going on but I wasn’t bored once because the characters are likable and their journey to the realization of what’s going on felt well-paced and interesting. Solid creature feature has the benefit of filming in some gorgeous locations and smartly keeping its cgi beastie to the shadows for most of the runtime. It may not be all that thrilling but it’s utilizing one of my favorite bits of urban legend so I didn’t give much of a damn.

Aatma: The Ghost (2006) (India)

aka Soul

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Bad times are just on the horizon for Dr. Aman and his wife Neha as they celebrate their one year wedding anniversary. What does it have to do with the opening exorcism performed by some dude who looks like a super handsome Indian Javier Bardem and ends with some silly digital spirit effects? Cool your jets! Im getting to that… man, that was one handsome exorcist. Back to the happy young couple enjoying a life of love and wealth. A sinister stranger knocks on their door (our handsome exorcist looking a little worse for wear) and warns the doctor that he will be performing a post-mortem tomorrow on a man by the name of Avinash Malhotra and he must report the cause of death truthfully. It was poison and it needs to be made known or there will be consequences. No sweat, you’d think, because this Dr. Aman seems like a dude on the straight and narrow but when a shady couple (she looking like an oddly alluring mixture of Debi Mazar and Meg Foster and he pulling off a budget James Roday playing an Indian man vibe) confront him on the beach and tell him to sign the man’s death certificate as death by natural causes. They threaten his life, which doesn’t work, but then they and a few other scumbags threaten his lovely wife (taking her hostage in her own home to prove they’re serious) and Aman decides to look out for his loved one’s best interests… he also makes some money in the deal. It’s a costly mistake. Ya see, the late night visitor is the corpse he’s autopsying and Avinash was an expert practitioner of the black arts while alive. Now dead, he still has power and he’s pretty damn upset his demands weren’t met. His avenging spirit promises it’ll be around until his justice is fulfilled and he’ll be making the lives of the doctor and his wife a living hell. It’s an incredibly awkward elevator conversation between the spirit and Neha. A momentum-killing “comedy” angle with Neha’s sister working in the same hospital as her brother-in-law and being a brat to anyone and everyone is there to remind you that a two-hour runtime is always tough to fill out. She’s also the lady-love of a heroic cop who is introduced beating the ever-loving shit out of a gang of would-be rapists. No complaints, it’s all very Bollywood and who gives two-fucks about rapists. After much knife dodging, glass breaking, roundhouse kicking and fluorescent bulb smashing, Siddharth and Aarti go to visit Aarti’s sister and husband along with their parents. More comedy and some sensual singing and dancing provided by the housekeeper follows after the parents and sister make their exit. She’s sent home so a love number between the married couple can happen. This is when we get to the odd visit from the already dead man with a warning to the doctor. Now that I’ve gone from point B to C just to jump back to A and to land back to B to get us to point D, we get to Neha’s inevitable possession and the supernatural vengeance… after some more detours into sexually charged dance numbers, enthusiastic scheming and possession drama. The plotting of this review may suck but I want you to get a good sense of awkward pacing because you’ll need to be comfortable with it if you want to enjoy this bad boy. It’s not as wild as the same genre of films from the region that came in the prior decades but if you have a taste for the horror from this neck of the woods, you’ll find enough to enjoy. It’s pretty horny, which I’m all for, and everyone is easy on the eyes, which I’m also all for because it feels like a softer-core version of a softcore erotic thriller that was already pretty timid to begin with. You can see there was more money behind this than the films I’m particularly fond of from the area and it loses the charming junkyard aesthetic thanks to having a production budget and looking more like a soap opera than a film reel that was discovered in a water-damaged box at a garage sale. Indian dollar store James Roday rocks some seriously uncomfortable lookin’ leather pants, there’s a whole lotta gyrating, Bava lighting, despicable criminals and way too much plot. Again, if this is your flavor of dish, you’ll be fine if slightly thrown off by how clean it looks. It also trades in garbage practical effects for garbage digital effects but that doesn’t bother me all that much... we still get some fun bits unhampered by computer effects just in case it’s a dealbreaker for ya. Sure, I miss a good rubber mask but that’s progress so I’m told and we do get to see a man’s head explode. I had a blast and that’s always impressive when something runs close to two hours.

Float (2022) (USA)

⭐️

An annual river float (this year in honor of a fallen friend) ends poorly for vlogger Kali Frye and her crew as everything goes to hell thanks to a possibly supernatural force. The youthful dinks are mostly unlikable but that may just be because I’m pushing into my “get off my lawn” years and my tolerance has faded like my youth. Nope. They suck. That’s on them. A local weirdo tries to warn them off this year from their annual float due to some force claiming victims (their deceased friend included) but just comes off like a pure lunatic, so he goes ignored and our gaggle of idiots get their float on. After we spend a bit watching these ass-clowns bicker and act like the unlikable turds they are, something or someone starts taking ‘em out… and we’re all better off for it. The loss of friends, unfortunately, has the survivors acting even more selfish with a little too much time left on the clock. Please, whatever you are, kill these derps pronto. Somehow, things get dumber. Outside of my wife, I barely have a chance to spend any time with people I actually want to be around. Why the hell am I spending more than an hour with a group of people I want to slap? It gets its sole star thanks to some gruesome bloodshed that hits during the climax and the out of place and dumbass music video that plays during the end credits.

Terror on Tour (1980) (USA)

aka Demon Rock 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Shock rockers, The Clowns, hit a snag in their successful tour when someone sporting their look (red capes, big afro wigs, black leotards and an ungodly amalgamation of face paint and a half-mask) begins introducing groupies and prostitutes to the business end of a big knife. Could it be one of their two-man road crew consisting of a constantly broke drug addict and his shy, face-painting friend? Maybe it’s one of the band members themselves? Or could it be their kindhearted manager played by the soup nazi himself, Larry Thomas? The cops are on the case and have sent in a cute young snitch to fish out the killer, the band is getting tired of their moneymaking shock tactics and loud music and the film wades comfortably in trashy waters. It’s a low-caliber slasher treat for fans of garbage cinema. I don’t know what hellish nightmare world spawned the costume designs but the equal parts shitty and creepy look of the band manages to unsettle way more than it has any right to. Needless to say, I’m a fan.

The Scare Game (1992) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A William Shakespeare quote opens things up: “Like (As) flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.” Opening with a quote from King Lear gets ya nice and ready for the SOV artistry which is about to explode all over your stupid face. Of course, instead of taking the quote as the depths of helplessness man is sunk in thanks to a world that’s completely played out in a realm of chaos, it’s taken quite literally here. But the filmmakers were all youngsters with a dream, so metaphor was far from their line of vision. It doesn’t matter. Because in the end it all means the same damn thing: we’re all fucked anyways. A dark magician created a twisted game sometime in the Dark Ages where random players are forced to compete unbeknownst to them and if they don’t come out on top, their souls are forfeit. Two dudes sit at a kitchen table and after answering a knock at their door, some silent idiot dressed like a street tough from a Ninja Turtles movie and rocking what has to be the most disturbing mullet in film history, let’s himself in, drops a package on their table, stares them down and leaves. The duo of dorks brush off the weird encounter, open up the box and discover a container with game instructions. Because they’re morons, they recite the passage and begin the competition. A cryptic warning is recited and instructions mysteriously appear where there were no instructions before. After being informed to assemble six players, they do just that and gather a gaggle of idiots to their modest suburban home. Cue a montage of drinking (Busch, Bud Dry), laughing (awkwardly making eye contact with the camera) and stifled conversation. But I guess it’s just a haphazard way of barely introducing some characters who will be playing the game. Let the games begin! Everyone is transported from the cozy living room into a bizarre dimension (aka the woods adjacent to your friend’s basement where you lost your virginity) where they’ll all be facing different devilish experiences. The man with the disturbing mullet shows up again and inflicts some nasty violence, confessions are made and harsh truths are accepted. A chainsaw chase eventually leads to death by car hood, Doctor Rattlesnake is introduced to an unexpecting and undeserving world, some guy who looks like the forgotten brother of Crispin Glover’s cousin does a bad Bobcat Goldthwait impression, in-camera effects are abused and a dream-like vibe is presented through a budget that could just barely afford off-brand Doritos™. Mullet-man (D.J. Vivona) is the greatest thing to happen to SOV cinema since the Polonia brothers decided to deal with whatever twisted sexual hang ups were going on in their teenage brains by making movies. He overacts, underacts, shouts bullshit and dishes out cheap and bloody ends to all the assholes thrown into a world where the familiar rules don’t apply. The early output of Eric Stanze is stellar, he’s one of the few backyard artists who was able to successfully express his ambition. It was still cheap and presented with less than professional actors but somehow it all came out as something truly special. I haven’t watched what he’s done in his later career but I’ll chalk that up to not wanting to ruin his “trilogy” of early experiments. I’m glad The Scare Game fits comfortably in with Savage Harvest and Ice from the Sun.

Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs (2015) (USA)

aka Jurassic Hunters

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Tracking down some of that sweet sweet Iridium, careless miners blast their way into a subterranean cavern located in beautiful Montana. Instead of a cache of the rare element, they find a prehistoric threat that by all scientific standards should not exist. But don’t tell the greedy mine owner (Vernon Wells, at his scuzzy best) that the prehistoric nightmare located under the mountains is gonna get in the way of his plans. A real shitstorm brews when the dinosaurs escape the mine and attack the town of Livingston, MT. An ex rodeo star comes back into town lookin’ for work and gets placed right in the middle of the prehistoric nightmare scenario the miners have caused and soon he has to buck up and play hero to save his ex (much to the chagrin of her sheriff boyfriend) from a pack of hungry velociraptors. Further digging unleashes a tyrannosaurus because why wouldn’t it. There’s a small group of survivors including the head of the old crew who saw the raptors attack but has had a hard time convincing anyone he’s not insane (luckily, when all hell breaks loose it no longer matters), the mine owner, his project head/patsy, the sheriff, some blonde chick and other disposable meat. There’s also an old drunk (naturally, played by Eric Roberts) who happens to be the rodeo star’s pa. You know the cgi beasties and undeserved melodrama to expect in a flick like this, luckily shit special effects are surrounded by a cast taking it seriously (well, as serious as their paychecks would necessitate) and a premise that’s just a bit of fun. No lying in that title either… although, I was hoping old west but we can’t always get what we want… but there was a triceratops, so I guess I’ll call it a wash.

The Jungle (2013) (Australia)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2 

Bullheaded big cat conservationist, Larry Black, heads out into the Indonesian jungle hoping to find and document the near extinct Javan leopard. His brother tags along to document the whole thing and he’s joined by his Indonesian partner and a government-imposed tracker. The Indonesian government has decided to provide funding to save the rare feline if they can prove it exists. As they head deeper into the jungle their tracker grows weary, warning them they’re heading into territory outside of their scientific knowledge. Soon the men are being tracked by something but the question is: is it just some kind of apex predator or is it more supernatural in nature? Take a wild guess. A very well done found footage creature feature may have frustrating characters but an interesting beast and some well-utilized Indonesian location shooting make it worth your time… at least worth my time, which admittedly may be a lot less valuable than your time.

Horror Rises from the Tomb (1973) (Spain)

aka Mark of the Devil 4 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Sleazy Spanish take on 1958’s The Thing That Couldn’t Die stars his barrel-chested majesty Paul Naschy and plenty of sexy (and nekkid) ladies. A devil-worshipping warlock (Naschy, of course) and his witchy lover are executed but, of course, a curse is thrown down before death claims the witch. Flash-forward to current times and the dead sorcerer’s relative (Naschy again) and a small group of folks (his lady, his friend and his friend’s lady) head out to his family estate after a séance leads them to believe a treasure is buried on the property. They find a treasure chest but instead of gold and jewels, the not-so-dead warlock’s head is contained within and he has some scheming to do. Psychic manipulation leads to murder which leads to boobs which leads to more murder as Naschy’s severed head controls some local numbskulls to do his bidding and eventually bring back his love. It all climaxes with tons of dead bodies and a few zombies. It’s all icky fun and pretty dumb but you won’t hear me complaining.

The Invisible Man (2020) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

Cecilia Kass (Elisabeth Moss) escapes her abusive sociopath boyfriend and hides out where he hopefully can’t find her. Two weeks later her sister delivers the news that he’s killed himself and Cecilia has been left a shit-ton of money. The man was the world-leading researcher in the field of optics so he was worth a good amount of scratch. Just as it looks like our hero can finally move on and enjoy her life, an invisible force starts fucking with her. She believes her ex faked his death and adapted something in his line of work to take him completely out of human sight. Of course, proving that is gonna be a hell of an issue and whoever or whatever is after her ain’t above murder to keep the torture going. Elisabeth Moss is excellent in the lead and Oliver Jackson-Cohen carries a strong enough presence to be a real piece of shit, even when he’s not on screen (I mean... that’s kind of fucking important for the whole thing to work). The rest of the supporting cast is great in their smaller roles... it really is the leading lady’s show. Director Leigh Whannell continues his streak of solid films and manages to turn up the tension with tiny moments. The restaurant scene may be my favorite from the whole thing.

Python 2 (2002) (USA/Bulgaria)

aka Snakes

⭐️⭐️⭐️

An American-led group of Russian soldiers capture one big-ass killer snake and, because nobody ever learns anything, it escapes. The U.S. Air force cargo plane it’s on is shot down by Chechen rebels who are immediately gunned down by the Russian military and they get their hands on the dangerous cargo. William Zabka returns as the former-police-deputy-now-special-agent assigned to get this living weapon back in American hands and he hires an ex-baseball player hiding out in Russia (Dana Ashbrook) and his corduroy-rockin’ wife to transport the snake via his cargo truck. His wife’s Russian citizenship makes the usual customs issues a lot easier and the 100K payday gets the married smugglers on board. Zabka brings in a team of elite soldiers to assist in the transport, unbeknownst to them, the soldiers at the military base where the cargo was being contained have let the killer reptile loose. They all get stuck in the base and the proficient, acid-spitting killing machine picks ‘em off at its leisure. A lone surviving officer clues in the dwindling survivors that there’s more than one predator on site. I’m a Dana Ashbrook homer which means this one was already in my good graces and I love a poorly-rendered cgi monster as much as the next easily amused boob, so this is one hell of a good time in my book. The leads are pretty damn likable and there’s enough stupid monster fun to keep boredom at bay.

Python (2000) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2 

A military plane crashes in a densely forested area and a genetically engineered, giant, acid-puking and man-eating snake escapes, murdering a couple camping lesbians and then making its way to a nearby small town. The acid-destroyed corpse of one of the women turns up and gets the local police force looking for a psychopath. Suspicion falls on the recently returned home cycling enthusiast, John, because of his job at a local chemical plant but mostly because he’s now seeing Deputy Greg’s (a game William Zabka) former girlfriend. The snake’s slightly insane creator (Robert Englund) heads to the small town with a pube-stached and vaguely southern-accented special agent played by my hero Casper Van Dien. Englund hopes to preserve his baby but Van Dien wants to wipe it out. They show up, claiming to be from the NSA and tracking a psychotic super soldier who has recently escaped their custody. Questionable cgi and an even more questionably purple-haired Wil Wheaton make an appearance. More than a few familiar faces pop in and everyone seems to be having a good time. It’s crap but it’s not hurting anyone.

Makhluk Dari Kubur (1991) (Indonesia)

aka Creatures from the Grave

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

In a small Indonesian village, there’s this dude who can transform himself into a goofy looking boar puppet. Why he does this, I’m not sure but the important thing is that one night during his boar-ish hijinks, he is chased down by the villagers and killed by a well-thrown spear. When the riled up men see him transform back into his human form, they pay a visit to the home of his wife and daughter. They discover cash and jewelry inside the place, kick the woman and her daughter out of the village and burn their house down. This is all watched, through magic means, by an elderly wizard in a cave. The wizard is none too happy about what has transpired and he uses his powers to resurrect the murdered man as one trashy looking zombie (trust me... it’s awesome). The meaty zombie with glowing red eyes transforms into his old self on a whim and begins terrorizing the assbags that fucked everything up. His wife and daughter mope around the neighboring forest as the locals get themselves slain by the magic murder corpse. The daughter dies in a scuffle with some mustachioed prick and the mother’s mental health takes a turn for the worse. Eventually, a good magic man comes into town and brings the fight to the pissed-off revenant, he also brings the dead man’s wife back into the picture. There’s an invisible horse, lame-ass fighting, forced transformation into a wereboar, a weird worm-baby thing exploding out of a woman’s belly and a climatic magic battle involving projectile limbs and that goofy boar puppet’s floating head. This was watched without subtitles and unsynchronized audio and yet I still enjoyed the hell out of it.

Pyro… The Thing Without a Face (1964) (Spain/USA)

aka Fire/A Cold Wind from Hell/Wheel of Fire/Phantom of the Ferris Wheel

⭐️1/2

A family man can’t keep it in his pants and has an affair with a smokin’ hot chickadee… who is definitely showing some intense warning signs. I mean, he catches her attempting to set fire to a rundown mansion he’s thinking about buying. Well, he decides to put an end to everything after his disgust in himself finally gets the better of him (with the help of his buddy Julio pointing out how fucking foolish he’s being) and go back to his wife and daughter. The jilted lover ain’t keen on this idea and figures if the family is out of the picture, then scumbag Vance can be all hers. So she sets fire to his home, hoping to wipe out the wife and kid. Vance fails at saving them and is also horribly disfigured in the process. Oops! Unfortunately for Lauren Blanco, the man now has revenge on his damaged brain and she’s in mortal danger all because dude cheated on his wife. By all medical thinking he should be dead, but he knows Laura was responsible for his current state and he plans of taking her and her family out. He tells her as much when she comes to apologize. “Run, Laura, run. My breaths on your back shall be like a cold wind from hell.” He escapes from the hospital and puts his vengeance in motion. Julio and the police attempt to find him but come up empty handed. 15 months pass and the scheme is finally put into place. Unfortunately, we only get Julio narrating that shit has begun and Vance has somehow made himself a disguise that looks like his old face just with a mustache. That’s a real bummer. But before we can get to what should be the fun stuff, there’s a bunch of stock footage of Spain, boring former family stuff and ramblings about Ferris wheels. Why? Well, it’s a metaphor for life and it’s also the reason why the American man is staying in Spain with his family. I guess he’s an engineer or some shit and the big project he’s working on was inspired by his love of Ferris wheels. Which is also why when he’s working on his revenge, he operates a carnival with a partner. There’s an entertaining movie in here somewhere, it’s just all buried under a thick blanket woven from tedium and lethargy. “Now. You leave immediately or you’ll be the first to be spanked by an artificial hand.”

Ghost 14 (2022) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Chris Barnes is dead. He and his girlfriend Lydia have (had) an urban exploration and ghost hunting channel and on one trip he comes across a video camera with footage that inspires him to make a documentary. A concerned friend pleads (in silhouette and altered voice) to help him figure out just what happened to Chris. This is footage from Chris’ online blog and his documentary Kult of Kehler. Chris explains that he and his girlfriend were looking around an abandoned house in Alabama where a young woman murdered her whole family and then killed herself out back in a ritualistic fashion. While rooting around, a garbage bag is discovered containing a nice camera and the equipment that goes with it. They take it and watch the footage that was caught on the discarded equipment. He drops it off at the police station after making a copy of the footage and dives deep. A couple guys were making a documentary on Alabama ghosts and there’s enough going on in it to make it interesting. Barnes edits it together chronologically and presents it for us, the viewer at home, to judge for ourselves. The two men are working off a famous book on the 13 Alabama ghosts and plan to check out all thirteen sites, eventually getting into a legend about a supposed fourteenth ghost. They pick up an audio guy to fill out the team and begin their trip, bullshitting and theorizing on the supernatural. It feels pretty natural and makes it more endearing than annoying, it helps that they’re all adults and act as such. Interviews with family (so goddamn charming) and actual locals (I’ve been thinking a lot of my childhood summers in Tennessee with my grandparents so it hit me pretty hard in my nostalgia gland) fill out some time and build up on the stories and Barnes will pop in every so often, narrating why he included the footage. It’s a solid workaround to the usual question of “why did the people presenting this supposed found footage decide to include this?” Checking out the graveyard location of a fiddle-playing spirit, the trio plan to set up camp in a burned down church nearby but change their plans when they realize the only tent they brought is missing the actual tent and are forced to camp in the car. Not much happens but during a wrap up interview with the director Dave, it looks like someone is watching the men in the distance. They decide to head out to the location of the supposed 14th ghost that was mentioned earlier and on their way they attempt to grab directions from some dude fixing his car on the side of the road. He completely ignores them and drives off. The men flee when he turns his truck around and the guys decide to avoid any confrontation. The audio guy Jeff mentions he actually knows a local but didn’t want to mention it because this place has a bad vibe, Dave isn’t happy that he didn’t mention this earlier and one of the most passive aggressive exchanges happens between the two. The woman doesn’t seem all that pleased to be talking with these men about town history and a string of disappearances that have gone down in the area. Of course, they’re heading to the same abandoned house where their camera equipment was discovered by the urban explorer who is now presenting this footage. On that subject, we jump back to Chris talking on how unwelcoming the town was and how the people were iffy about discussing any of the local legends and tragedy. We also see Lydia’s growing concerns about how obsessive her boyfriend has become with this footage they found in a garbage bag. Back to the footage, the three men find the abandoned home and explore as Jeff lays out the awfulness that went down in the home. He’s the one to ask because when he was studying law, he became fascinated with the hometown case in his forensics class. They set up for some nighttime filming and go to bed, one in the car and the other two in tents they picked up. The next morning, cameraman Josh is missing and the other two look briefly for him then check the footage on the trail cam. It’s… not great and the two me realize they’re in some dangerous waters and not because of any supposed ghosts. They go looking for Josh in the neighboring woods instead of bailing and we find out how the camera ended up left behind at the infamous property. As I stated with the first sentence, our videographer and narrator is no longer in the land of the living and we find out why as the movie comes to a close. It’s well-crafted and solidly acted enough to maintain interest while it wades in familiar waters but luckily doesn’t drown in ‘em.

Noc Shift (2025) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ass-numbing opening credits eventually come to a close and as we get an aerial shot of some California suburb, the BASED ON A TRUE STORY text pops up in the corner of the screen. A nightmare concerning parental abuse introduces us to our hero and awkward acting introduces us to his concerned wife. Andrew Holloway’s security job has placed him on an overnight shift at an abandoned building where he’s to ensure that nobody gets on the property. The derelict house sits far away from the city, surrounded by darkness, desert and highway. Andrew slowly walks around the claustrophobic yet somehow vast building and admits to his wife over the phone that the whole thing has a strange vibe. A shadowy figure has him doing his job, even if he’s convinced the mystery person was wearing a guard uniform. With the growing spookiness beginning to upset Andrew, he’s also going to be forced into dealing with his childhood trauma on top of whatever the hell is calling the vacant space a home. It works its way into his head, widening the fractures already obvious thanks to a real piece of shit father. A strange woman is found at the job site but wanders off and vanishes, freaking Andrew out even more. It’s the same woman he assumed was another security guard when he arrived the first night. He also insists on saying that it’s a male for some reason (although another shadowy form seems to be a man in a hat). There’s talk of the house’s manipulation with other people who have worked there and these occurrences have ended in suicide and, in some cases, murder. Not a good sign for the already unstable man and his family. A moody, simple score works well with the deliberate pace and the eerie quiet of the setting enhances the mood showing what you can do with a simple premise and restraint. Performances are shaky but that never really bothers me and I’m way more forgiving when it comes to anything on the lower side of the budget scale. You do your best and show that you give a fuck… I’ll always respect it and I respect this bad boy even if some of the story beats and drama may be a bit beyond the team’s capabilities.