Pyro… The Thing Without a Face (1964) (Spain/USA)

aka Fire/A Cold Wind from Hell/Wheel of Fire/Phantom of the Ferris Wheel

⭐️1/2

A family man can’t keep it in his pants and has an affair with a smokin’ hot chickadee… who is definitely showing some intense warning signs. I mean, he catches her attempting to set fire to a rundown mansion he’s thinking about buying. Well, he decides to put an end to everything after his disgust in himself finally gets the better of him (with the help of his buddy Julio pointing out how fucking foolish he’s being) and go back to his wife and daughter. The jilted lover ain’t keen on this idea and figures if the family is out of the picture, then scumbag Vance can be all hers. So she sets fire to his home, hoping to wipe out the wife and kid. Vance fails at saving them and is also horribly disfigured in the process. Oops! Unfortunately for Lauren Blanco, the man now has revenge on his damaged brain and she’s in mortal danger all because dude cheated on his wife. By all medical thinking he should be dead, but he knows Laura was responsible for his current state and he plans of taking her and her family out. He tells her as much when she comes to apologize. “Run, Laura, run. My breaths on your back shall be like a cold wind from hell.” He escapes from the hospital and puts his vengeance in motion. Julio and the police attempt to find him but come up empty handed. 15 months pass and the scheme is finally put into place. Unfortunately, we only get Julio narrating that shit has begun and Vance has somehow made himself a disguise that looks like his old face just with a mustache. That’s a real bummer. But before we can get to what should be the fun stuff, there’s a bunch of stock footage of Spain, boring former family stuff and ramblings about Ferris wheels. Why? Well, it’s a metaphor for life and it’s also the reason why the American man is staying in Spain with his family. I guess he’s an engineer or some shit and the big project he’s working on was inspired by his love of Ferris wheels. Which is also why when he’s working on his revenge, he operates a carnival with a partner. There’s an entertaining movie in here somewhere, it’s just all buried under a thick blanket woven from tedium and lethargy. “Now. You leave immediately or you’ll be the first to be spanked by an artificial hand.”