⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Uncle Bruno speaks to my garbage-lovin’ heart once again but not only does he offer up cheapjack adventure involving zombies and the lovely Yvette Yzon. No. That’s not good enough for Mattei… not by a long shot. He also throws in vampires and ghosts to his Philippines-shot disaster stew. Did this man just refuse to hold back? Treasure hunters get themselves stranded on an island where the usual awfulness that happens when the soldiers of Catholicism decide the local population is comprised of heathens went down a long time ago. We watch as conquistadors repeat the classic opening to Fulci’s Zombie (unfortunately there’s no boat that can leave now) while voodoo practicing villagers do their mumbo jumbo. There’s plenty of dead people being blessed until too many rise and manage to take out the conquering Spaniards. Footage from another film shows a fiery end to their habitation. Present day introduces us to our ragtag group of treasure hunting heroes as they celebrate the discovery of a large treasure chest. Unfortunately, the bottom collapses and all the gold pours out into the sea. Bummer. Beers and remorse follow but they can’t lick their wounds for long because a fog bank comes out of nowhere and the boat is wrecked. The fog lifts and they discover that they’ve ended up very close to an island that shouldn’t exist. Instead of radioing for help, Captain Kirk (come on now) makes the choice to hold off on asking for help. As disturbing visions of Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead begin to poison my mind and confusion plagues me as to why Bruno Mattei (as hungry to rip-off anything as he was) decided that this was the movie he wanted to get his twisted hands on. I respect it but it still horrifies me. Anyways, one dope stays behind to work on the boat while the rest of the team wanders around the island, gazing upon destruction and cemeteries. A zombie conquistador who does not look Spanish at all (maybe he liked the silly hat) watches on and then turns to the camera and hisses. Of course two split off from the group to investigate the crumbling graveyard straight out of Zombie and get to do their own spin on the cemetery scene from Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. It’s a fucking buffet of zombie flicks handled by a chef who shouldn’t be allowed to serve food. So, my kind of video heaven. The zombie attacks much like in Night but this time a tubby Filipino in an all purpose jersey and sandals manages to come in and bring the king-fu butt whooping to the living dead that was so sorely needed in Romero’s classic. The other group stumbles across spooky old tomes in an underground cave/torture chamber that should not be read by anyone, ever. So… they read the Latin text out loud even though it’s been well established the dead are already walking and eating. The mechanic goes first (well, the tubby dude actually dies by sacrificing himself but you find that out a little later) and the ship explodes because he presses the boat’s self destruct button which I guess is something boats have. With a blown up boat and a stolen lifeboat, the captain makes the bold choice to find refuge before night falls. That’s why he’s the captain. Night falls and they’re still wandering around, which leaves them out in the open when a horde of flesh eaters attack. Bullets get them out of the jam but they’re all just a few moments away from the next nightmare scenario. More searching leads to Grim Reaper statues that move and the retrieval of books that will clue in the team as to what went down on the island. In has to do with a Spanish galleon, a bunch of gold and the Bermuda Triangle. Uncle Bruno, you spoil us! A scene “borrowed” from Mattei’s own Hell of the Living Dead introduces a zombie priest, questionable wine drinking introduces a Spanish ghost, a Snoopy shirt is worn by a man named Snoopy, an actual cask of Amontillado is discovered, chained zombies litter a torch-lit hall, a dancing female vampire appears straight from her large portrait (Snoopy dances with her), this scene also involves an oddly effective bit where undead hands play a lute (the rest of the corpse is covered in shadow), a treasure is discovered with a growling and eye-patched zombie head inside (it becomes a regular skull after they close the lid and reopen it), Snoopy lets the team know the island is cursed which the rest of the gang inexplicably don’t believe, the eye splinter scene from Zombie happens (without the disgusting payoff), heads explode, people die, a ghost explains shit, a cobweb-covered countess is upset over stolen jewelry but takes the time to talk to a crew member and lay out the reason why the island is full of so much supernatural bullshit (cue more footage from a different movie!), skeletal monks appear (well, monks in skeleton masks that would make Jess Franco grin) and an escape plan is hatched well after most of our heroes have perished. There’s so much thrown at the audience that it’s easy to forget you’re just watching idiots walk around a spooky place, running into different shit and dying. There’s a main evil behind everything (revealed right before the elderly ghost/zombie countess is engulfed in flames) and it’s a vampire/zombie priest so that checks. The movie is a poorly plotted mess but it’s a poorly plotted mess from one of my favorite trash auteurs so I loved every silly minute. Love you Uncle Bruno, miss you all the time.
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