A small desert town in California gets hit with an earthquake (pathetic shaky cam brings said natural disaster to life and if you can’t stomach that then you might as well just shut this bad boy off now) and that’s not even the worst part. Nope, the worst part is that all that rumbling has awakened something very hungry. A soundtrack that sounds like it belongs in a level of Zombies Ate My Neighbors graces the viewer’s ear holes at the outset, immediately following the poorly birthed earthquake special effects… so I was happy and vibing right along. And then the credits kept going… and going… and going. Oh no. I then remembered Dustin Ferguson was the guy that shat out the wretched Moon of the Blood Beast… oh no. Down in the dumps but thankful there was less than an hour left already, I soldiered on… and walked right into B-Roll of nature and a scene of a snake slithering out from a log. Oh no. A woman goes for a walk accompanied by some of the least convincing walking sound effects I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard some deaf foley artists put very little effort into things. This goes on for much longer than necessary. She snaps some pics on her phone and is finally snatched by the tentacles of what may be the same creature costume from Moon of the Blood Beast. I could be wrong, I’ve pretty much erased that film from my memory. I just wouldn’t put it past the budget constraints. Two dopes hear the minor scuffle of the walking woman and go to take a look. The guy gets grabbed, the woman runs away and lets the authorities know there was a murder via monster. As if we didn’t have only an hour to work with, we fucking cut to Coolduder (Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!) watching a movie and I’m about ready to tap out. We then watch the movie Coolduder is watching about giant Asian murder hornets and Coolduder delivers the usual performance expected from his grating ass. He wanders out into the desert looking for someone named Norman who he just has to tell about the movie he’s watching and he too ends up food for the monster. It was a good choice. The first one this movie has made. Although, we spent way too long with the charisma slaughtering exploits of Coolduder. The police want to close down the park (I thought it was the desert… it looks like a windswept desert but I’m probably wrong) and the mayor doesn’t like that idea. It’s tourist season, after all. The mayor advises they do nothing and only put shit in motion if a body pops up. He blames pranksters because all the kids are on the pot nowadays. More people I don’t give two fucks about get eaten and by thirty minutes this movie has already overstayed its welcome by twenty minutes. Comedy that has no right being called comedy, a script that may have been one page that just read “Go to hole where monster is and die”, an episode of The Veil being watched on TV, a hero that looks like the offspring of Jason Mewes and Alessandro Nivola cosplaying as Jerry Cantrell and a monster costume (well, more of just a head and a tentacle never seen at the same time) that Slithis would raise its snout at but is still the best thing going for it. A charmless void of a film which isn’t even saved by the fact that it comes to an end at the fifty minute mark and then rolls extended credits. At least Brinke Stevens pops in.
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