If Congo has taught us anything, it’s that Bruce Campbell should open up more movies and that the scariest animal in the world is not man, hyper-intelligent grey gorillas or shadowy corporations… no, it’s the hippopotamus. Now, further proof comes in the form of 2026’s live action version of beloved board game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. I think, or, I assume. Vacationing youths doing the thing all vacationing youths do while running from grief in Louisiana get a discounted gator tour invite by a handsome tour guide during a night out drinking. Off to the bayou our two hungover gals (faring far better than I ever have after a night of shots and hip shaking) go along with a group of assorted holiday makers looking for some local flavor. The tour’s gift shop is the first stop and the attached museum comes along with an old-timer hunter/owner (the perfectly cast Joaquim de Almeida) who warns of the dangers of hippos (“The only cute hippo, is a dead hippo.”) and the history of them in the area. After this brief exposition drop delivered with Mr. Almeida’s professionalism, the small group (guide, gals, a busy businesswoman missing her kids, a grandpa, his daughter and her teenage son) head out into the water to see them some gators. Explicitly, a very large one they have a tracker on. Of course, they find the reptile’s mutilated corpse and it’s revealed the businesswoman tipped some extra cash to get the guide to go a few miles off the designated path. Oh… we know where this is about to go. The boat gets tipped over and the guide gets attacked by something very big, leaving the group stranded and surrounded by way too much water. Phone reception? What are you an idiot? Radio? Probably shorted out… duh! So, kinda fucked because the only thing they can do is wait for the boss to realize they are missing and head out to the last tracking location. It’s a long wait made even longer by the fact that their guide is in danger of succumbing to his wound (a ten-inch tooth!), the climate of the area ain’t all that suitable for humans and the beast hanging around just out of sight is beginning to pick them off. The likable grandpa (super likable character actor Jim Meskimen) bites it first (his firefighter heroic mentality bites him in the ass alongside the semi-aquatic mammal) after he sacrifices himself in a completely futile act that saves nobody. Two dopes down (and I imagine more than one hell of a lawsuit) later, the boss finally gets off his ass and heads out into the swamp. He’s a cranky dick about things and the businesswoman has a quick flash of bitchiness that fucks things up. More people die and eventually a small group of survivors make it to land… but as we know, this threat is labeled semiaquatic for a fucking reason. We learn why the hippo is hanging around and why we should just leave them to sub-Saharan Africa. You hear me, Teddy Roosevelt? Of course not, you’re fucking dead. Digital monster antics are somehow better presented than the even less believable melodrama but that’s just the way it goes. A cheesy blast that has no shame in being a larger budgeted SyFy original and I respect the fuck out of that. Listen, I love me some stupid movies and this is a stupid one that doesn’t exactly deserve its runtime but I’m all for the nonsense of hippo attacks in Louisiana… yes, I am an idiot.
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