NOTHING! NO STARS! I HAVE BEEN TO THE NON-DISNEY PARTS OF FLORIDA AND THIS IS THE WORST THING TO COME OUT OF AMERICA’S WANG
As awful as the idea of doing any Spring Break celebrations may seem to me, I guess I can understand the appeal of a bunch of youths deciding to gather together and party. This may have never been something that tempted me even in my more adventurous days but I get it. You’re young, look good shirtless, like to drink and don’t mind coming home with some new bacterial nightmares plaguing your genitals. I’ve always been a little old fashioned, so my Spring Breaks mainly consisted of staying up late and watching movies but I’m not here to share my sad college days with you. No, if we were following along with those exploits there would be no movie unless it involved a younger Brennan sleeping past noon and forgetting to clean up his empty beer bottles. Nobody would watch that and nobody should watch that. So instead we’re following a group of mildly attractive folks as they journey to Florida to get their party on. Not my scene but I get it. What I don’t get is how the most idiotic of drunken idiots would ever decide ”Hey! It sure is fun partying on this beach but what would really be a good time is taking this celebration into the Everglades!” Even if you’re from some podunk town in Wyoming, you should be aware that the Everglades are riddled with things that can and will kill you. And it’s not even the creatures that call the place home (not even counting the legendary skunk ape and backwoods lunatics that probably haunt the woods), the terrain is a fucking death trap in and of itself. So, as I set out to watch some college cuties meet their maker, there was very little sympathy for the predicament they threw themselves into. They’re also the kind of guys that say philosophical things like “write poetry with your dick”, ask tough questions like “Are you a pussy or are you a bro, dawg?” and don’t stress about being a couple months late for their period. Real salt of the earth folks. An opening news report lets us know that a couple Vermont college girls vanished and there was a python capturing competition, there’s a quick flash of watching those two gals get slaughtered and then it’s off to the bar for some clappin’ cheeks and wet T-shirts. SPRING BREAK!!!! The bartender (Linnea Quigley) at the joint they usually hit up when they’re in the area for SPRING BREAK!!! tells them they need to go visit the Everglades and take an airboat tour. Because they’re morons, they leave the relative safety of the bar to go bring their shenanigans to the dangerous patch of American wilderness. There’s also the reward for capturing a snake to think about and the fact that the reward for grabbing the reptile will practically cover their trip. Off they go with their horny and less than reliable airboat captain who ignores the fact that a storm is on the way because money and the promise of some college boobs would make any red-blooded Floridian turn a blind eye to any environmental dangers. They plan to head on back but the horny old coot has a heart attack and nobody knows how to operate an airboat so they abscond to land. Everyone screams over everybody else which makes for some really unbearable bits of upset derps trying to shout louder than their costars. They find a seemingly abandoned home, make their way in, get the generator running and help themselves to moonshine that’s lying around. Can we start killing these dopes? It’s revealed the horny old coot faked his heart attack and he’s met by his two idiot sons for some college-kid hunting. Unfortunately, they take their time so we can be treated to more shouting and partying. The abandoned house has everything, including a boombox and a shower. Two girls go off to complain to each other and the slaughtering begins. Various others go their separate ways to shower or screw and meet the business end of a blade or whatever convenient murder weapon is around. This goes on for a while and it’s not at all entertaining. There’s boobs but they all belong to folks who look like they’re employed by a rural Wisconsin strip club and performances range from clientele of said strip club to folks banned from said strip club. There’s also butt rape so if that’s your thing, just watch Deliverance because Burt Reynolds is in that. Even the butt-naked upside-down crucifixion that brings everything to a close could not save this shit stain on the underpants of American-made horror.
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