I decided against having a bachelor party all them years ago because I did not feel like having my friends and family worry about getting me shit-faced and watching over me in case I decided it was a good idea to live out my dream of giving a belly rub to the big cats at the Brookfield Zoo. Honestly, I figured we’d be drinking at my wedding and at least there my wife would be around to protect me from not only my idiotic thought process but the very same idiotic thoughts that run through the brains of the people I love. I do not regret my decision and it looks like those boys that make up our camping group of buds on a bachelor party excursion to the Texas wilds should have just stayed home and had a couple beers on the couch. Not because they deserved to have a few more years wandering this earth but because it would have saved me from deciding to watch this annoying-ass movie. A couple kidnappers in ski-masks introduce us to the movie because I guess Amazon removed it from streaming for being offensive. I don’t know. I hadn’t heard anything about it but these kidnappers (who show up in the movie, I assume) yell about things and thoroughly fail at being funny, so I guess it happened. Oh no. A couple hunters get murdered looking for Bigfoot, then we’re introduced to some idiots talking about sex and kidnapping their buddy for their bachelor party hijinks. Toilet humor follows and I’m already annoyed. The groom-to-be is none too happy and I really can’t blame him but once he learns his fiancée was in on it and his buddy talks him down, he cools off a bit. “Comedic” tangents play out and campfire tales get told. Bigfoot, ghosts and UFOs get mentioned. Something stalks around, watching the group. There’s a skeptic in the group and he loses his shit with all their talk about cryptids and the supernatural, the religious bachelor knocks him out when he says there is no God. A park ranger shows up and lets them know they are on restricted land but with a little coercing, they get to stay the night. Pot brownies happen, strippers show up and the park ranger even stays to hang out with ‘em. We’ve gone past 50 minutes with only the opening murder serving as the sole Sasquatch tomfoolery and these derps are not worth investing in, so I’m just kinda staring off into space because none of this is interesting or remotely thrilling. Stripping happens and I will say I once went to a strip club in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin, the girls in this flick are better looking but they are far worse dancers. We take a little detour to a male strip club where a bachelorette party is going down and some slightly covered and large dongs share the screen with the bride-to-be. Bigfoot murders someone offscreen while the boys party with the strippers and that skeptic ass-bag posts a video of the bachelor dancing with some ladies… something the bachelorette is hypocritically pissed off about. Man. This movie just keeps on going. Ok. All these annoying characters are still kicking after an hour of failed humor and nothing near what I would call entertainment. It’s nearly 80 minutes in when we get a look at our favorite North American forest ape and some of these ass-clowns start losing their lives. Penis violence happens and we finally see the decent-lookin’ monster… it’s way too late to save it but at least things pick up steam. The production value is impressive and the acting is alright for a bunch of people just screwing around with their friends in the middle of the woods but everything else is just terrible. If there was a script, it’s drowned in dialogue that thinks it’s way more solid than it is and humor that belongs hanging with a couple thirteen-year-old boys who split a case of Bud Light they stole from an uncle’s garage fridge while watching nothing but Troma films. A fuckin’ endurance test that needed way more Bigfoot and someone willing to edit out shit because at nearly two hours, you’ll be praying for Bigfoot to come rip your head off and toss it full force into the closest tree.
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