En route to a ski resort, a private jet is forced to make an emergency landing in the snowy mountains of California. The small group have to seek shelter in an abandoned cabin where, unbeknownst to anyone except an ill-fated snowmobiler, an alien monster has set up residence following the crash of a spacecraft. The agitated group of dopes with clashing personas piss and moan as horrendous cgi adds some flavor to the early going. After some half-assed character building and a bunch of douchery, the dopey caricatures begin falling prey to the silly-ass beasts that call the basement of the dilapidated cabin home. The annoyed wife of the guy who looks like a distant relative of Randy Quaid but not Dennis and sees himself as a real man of action stays behind as everyone journeys off to salvage the plane’s radio and follows the sound of a baby crying to the basement. Whereas a normal filmmaker at this point in the movie would probably use this opportunity to kill off at least one character (even if she does look like a mix of adult film star Dee Williams and adult film star Annette Schwartz and may be the most likable of these unlikable characters), the creative minds behind this one decided the best way to keep us entertained is to have her find the creatures lair, run into stock footage of a cat and then leave the basement. Jesus. More tedium follows but there is stock footage of wildlife and a sex scene where the dude smokes a cigar as his airhead girlfriend rides him. Calling it erotic would probably lead to criminal charges in some countries. After an hour that feels closer to two but does feature the off-screen death of the most annoying character and some lesbian action that feels unearned, the dopey-lookin’ alien creature finally shows itself. R.I.P. Andy Quaid or whoever the hell you were. The monster has a projectile tongue it uses to snatch and kill and it looks a lot like the stupid cousin of the alien from Alien… basically the Andy Quaid of the Xenomorph family. Hilarious special effects, performances that range from “dumpster fire” to “smell of recently extinguished dumpster fire” and a filmmaking attitude that is the equivalent of someone looking at a messy room, saying “fuck it” and then just closing the door all makes for an experience I probably shouldn’t have enjoyed as much as I did. It’s a fucking drag getting to the last act but once that shit hits, this bitch is a small piece of garbage heaven.
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