The German Chainsaw Massacre (1990) (Germany)

aka Blackest Heart

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

It’s the reunification of Germany and the borders of East and West are taken down for a brave new tomorrow… sure. Pitch-black satire set in the theaters of extreme violent absurdity follows a young woman by the name of Clara who murders her awful boyfriend (yay!) and their dog (boo!) and then crosses the former border to meet her lover. Their meeting doesn’t go well because he’s really horny and claims they don’t have much time. Clara doesn’t want to get busy on some dirty mattresses laying around an abandoned factory because she may be a dog killer but she does have standards. He forces herself on her and shes… I guess “rescued” is the word by some mentally ill man in a rain slicker and a metal helmet with pigs feet attached to it… fuckin’ Germans, I swear. A good rock bludgeoning takes out the would be rapist and Clara’s knife attack sends the loon running. She flees and doesn’t manage to escape to the peace she had set out to find. No. She finds a sadistic family of perverts who dabble in cannibalism, incest, satanism and a few other isms I’m sure. The family daughter (who is definitely the same actress who played her boyfriend) takes a liking to Clara. That’s not a good thing. An odyssey of low-budget but high-effort splatter follows along with the batshit stupid characters that always pop up in these backyard German gore flicks. It’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre but way cheaper and less thrilling but crafted together by an obvious lunatic who is fond of people yelling. So… German. Butcher shop gore adds to the explicitness and a lack of plot and pace makes you wonder if you wandered off the schnitzel tour into a particularly German level of Hell. Very obnoxious but in a form so pure that it becomes gratingly hypnotic as it spirals out of control. Udo Kier is there with a swastika Hitler mustache because that’s just inevitable and I’d feel cheated if that didn’t pop up in this movie. He also shows back up with a head of curly hair which he sets on fire before chopping off his own hand and drawing a peace sign on a tile wall in his own blood. God damn Germans. Batman bathing suits, a butcher knife up the backdoor, a badly mutilated but still kicking rapist/boyfriend, a hit and run that removes a woman’s bottom half, border guards who can’t accept the border is gone, sparklers attached to chainsaws and an ending that had me laughing pretty damn hard. They don’t make movies like this. They’re not supposed to so it can feel special when you come across an obvious insane man’s final stage neurosyphilis notes on a script for a TCM remake he attempted to write after most of his brain had rotted away… just imagine if that happened more than once in your lifetime.