Blood Massacre (1987) (USA)

⭐️⭐️1/2

A particularly scummy-lookin’ fella (George Stover, who you’ve seen in other Don Dohler flicks) walks into a dive bar, cops an attitude with everyone, assaults a waitress, gets his ass kicked by a bouncer and then waits around in the backseat of said elderly bouncer’s car and garrotes him. He then makes his way to the bar and murders the homely woman he was talking to earlier. It’s all set in what looks like a broke 80’s industrial band’s idea of a diner that exclusively plays their B-sides. So, abrasive lighting and a cigarette stank that sticks around. Rizzo (our schlubby murderer) goes and meets up with his buddy and fellow vet Jimmy. Jimmy and Rizzo are planning a bank robbery along with Jimmy’s brother and his girlfriend whom Rizzo seems to really hate. Rizzo is fucking awful. While this is going on, some pleasant young woman rents a room at the farmhouse of a family that’s obviously up to something but the two young gals seem to get along just fine. These two groups of characters will meet up after Rizzo loses his cool while casing a shopping center and walks into a video rental store because he just can’t wait. He and the gang rob the joint and its customers and a young girl ends up shot dead. The cops show up and the lieutenant follows close behind because it looks like a crime wave is in the works. The lieutenant could be the father of the Polonia brothers, so I’m all for him saving the day. The criminals run out of gas thanks to a bullet nicking their tank and they end up at the farmhouse after kidnapping one of the daughters when she stops to offer them help on the road. The criminals make themselves at home and let pops, his wife and his daughters know who is in charge. That doesn’t last because this family of farmers have some unexpected eating habits and a four course meal just forced their way in. Meandering is probably the best way to describe this one as an obvious low budget and apathy plagued the runtime… that ain’t how Dohler usually does things but it’s almost like he begrudgingly had to make this one… which is kind of the case. Investors can be real bastards and apparently they were so bad here (a forced reshoot on lower quality film, stealing the finished product, etc) that Dohler retired from movie making for nearly two decades. You can sense it in every small morsel of slag this thing has. There’s a little fun to be had with some wacky characters and awful humans cramped together in a claustrophobic house but the scenes that somehow don’t drag still feel hastily put together. You will see more of Rizzo’s tongue than anyone would ever want to and Papa Polonia gets more than one scene so I’m happy about that. He also ends up badly mutilated, which feels appropriate. True garbage that I’d never recommend but still can’t hate, no matter how much I want to. The last act is some trashy fun (no, it never stops dragging, even when it gets… I guess “good” will work) but it’s an arduous journey getting there and we spend way too much time with the films most unlikable character (yes, Rizzo) who they play off as the hero of the thing as we draw to the close. It’s not a great move.