Totem (1999) (USA)

⭐️1/2

Full Moon (uh oh) teams yet again with David DeCoteau (oh no) to unleash even more tiny terror (ah crap). This time around, six folks randomly show up at a dinky cabin in the middle of nowhere. They’re not sure why but they somehow made their way to the unfamiliar place after being called there. Escape is futile thanks to an invisible barrier which keeps the dopes trapped. There’s a graveyard nearby which is located in the only direction they can walk. Of course, within is a carved stone monument… or totem pole if you’d like to stick to a loose definition of the term. One idiot decides the best course of action is to destroy the ancient thing. He finds it impossible when it seems to be protected by the same strange force field keeping them from exiting the area. They look around the cabin after making a hasty exit from the graveyard and discover some disturbing crap. Human blood, a decayed and severed hand, an old-ass bible and antique family photographs pointing to troubling times at the cabin. They discover their own cheap headstones outside and stone creatures emerge from the totem pole to push those deadly fates along. On the subject of fate, it seems some malicious force is pulling the strings and nobody is in control of anything. Three shall die, three shall kill and we’ll be spending time with these selfish idiots for way longer than acceptable. Performances better suited for plotless pornography are recognizable for anyone who has dipped their toes in the choppy DeCoteau waters and Charles Band’s budget-conscious obsession with miniature monsters has only shifted in how much he’s willing to pay… or not pay in this case. The only relief comes when the stiff monsters show up on screen and that inexplicably does not happen nearly enough. It does contain one of the shoddiest and lamest exposition-heavy flashbacks I have had the privilege to witness… I’ll give it some credit for that. This shit is bad and a prime example of Full Moon at its laziest.