Dead Things (1997) (USA)

⭐️1/2

High-ranking drug dealer Kris gets sent out to make a payment and collect on “50 pounds of uncut shit” by his boss Rico. He meets up with the supplier Arch and his crew, acting like idiots and watching porn. As soon as Kris leaves, the sheriff’s department shows up to raid Arch’s place. Nobody in Arch’s crew makes it out alive and Arch is ready to give up his whole operation. Kris has a romantic dinner with his fiancée, Arch lets the asshole sheriff know what’s going down and eventually Rico and Kris are picked up by the lawman with a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese box full of uncut drugs. During transport, they manage to escape along with two other prisoners. They kill their sole guard and flee in the transport van. The sheriff makes it his mission to bring the scum in but the quartet of fugitives are in for way more trouble than they thought. Their transport dies and they flee into the nearby woods to get to their hideout but instead they cross paths with a clan of psychotic and satanic hicks. Bloody torture follows. Papa looks like Dan Haggerty’s twin brother who was born a few months premature, his son is mentally challenged and wears a dress, his daughter is mentally challenged and carries around a babydoll with a hook in it, and granny resembles the usual representation of Mrs. Clause but if Mrs. Clause grew up in Alabama. The sheriff and his deputy catch three of the felons (Rico has already been snatched up by the bumpkins) but their car gets tampered with and soon everyone is fucked. As is expected, they plan on eating them. They’re also offering up a few sacrifices to their god. The usual garbage dialogue, casual racism and graphic violence makes its way to the screen as Todd Sheets brings another vision of aggressive stupidity to life. Thankfully, it’s shockingly lacking the usual butt-metal that litters his output but that’s only a slight reprieve from the excessive shenanigans. It’s like Midnight meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre with none of the talent and everyone is Franklin. Brain stabbing via clothes hanger up the nose, dismemberment, tongue severing, abuse of the term “city boy”, bludgeoning, nails in the mouth, wood paneling and an unlikely alliance drag us towards a climax featuring shit digital effects, mondo clips, zombies and the Dark Lord himself. The final ten minutes are pure backyard bliss, sadly it’s one hell of a miserable trip getting there.