The Shivers (1998) (USA)

aka Splatter Asylum

⭐️⭐️

A woman drives alone on an empty street, the quiet is disrupted by two desperate women who force their way into her car and tell her she needs to drive. A gaggle of children who cannot contain their joy and giggles attack the car. The three women speed off and someone flies across the hood of the vehicle. The driver stops to check and is attacked by a homeless man. Thinking quick, the blonde chickadee in the backseat grabs an umbrella and forces it into the homeless man’s eyeball. The children, who have reappeared, cannot help but smile. One of the girl’s tells the driver what has brought them to this point. The day before some dance club owner purchases an old mansion on the hill, aptly named Dread Mansion. What does one do with a creepy-ass mansion on a hill? Throws a party! Duh. The housewarming party comprised of a friend group that definitely spends its weekends playing Magic seem to open an evil doorway on accident and splattery deaths come their way. A part-time Elvis impersonator and full-time comic shop employee finds out his pregnant girlfriend is going to abort their child, some dude in a wheelchair and a stupid hat is convinced the house is cursed, new mansion owner Rudy doesn’t have time for this spooky bullshit, the dark history of Dread Mansion is shared by bonfire and that sets up all we’ll need to know for what’s coming. An antique chest gets opened, an ancient tome gets discovered and various evil entities get themselves some freedom for the first time in too long. But before you get excited, remind yourself you are watching a Todd Sheets film. So you’ll have to deal with plenty of ambling action and attempts at comedic dialogue that just comes off as people who dislike each other half-heartedly pretending to be friends. Sheets brings his usual very amateur and very wet sensibilities to his love letter to Lovecraft, Fulci and haunted house attractions. Filled with graphic violence, questionable digital effects work and annoying idiots being as abrasive as humanly possible, it’s an endurance test that still has that Sheets charm he somehow manages to throw into most of his braindead output. I mean, a ghost gives a lapdance to a guy in a wheelchair. That’s just something I didn’t know I needed to see. Should it be 105 minutes long? No. God, no. Should I have enjoyed it as much as I did? Also, no but that one is definitely my fault.