The titular ancient species are the source of zombie legends worldwide and a team of mercenary “badasses” work as humankind’s protection from these ravenous super-killers that are like vampires but way lamer. Impressive as vampires are the lamest of legendary monsters. They make their move at a small time club looking to get at Mars Heflin and his Z-bustin’ team called Protection Incorporated. This leads to a drag queen getting her head knocked off with a bat and the club manager eaten. Somehow, the flesh-eating is less convincing than the digital abomination that is the decapitation via aluminum bat. Protection Incorporated also runs private security for various events that don’t exactly look like they could afford a private security team. That’s okay, they’re definitely not a real private security team. Turns out Mars hasn’t been upfront about the Z to his team but feels they’re more than ready to handle them if they show themselves. They do and the final confrontation is like a cinematic shitting of a pantsuit on a first date. If the opening club scene from Blade had a learning disability, it would be The Z. It’s the type of movie that happens when a group of people who desperately crave badass notoriety and have watched way too many Tarantino movies get their hands on enough disposable income and friends willing to work for cocaine to make a movie… but they also have no discernible talent or convincing charm. The zombies just look like normal folks who have been to one too many raves in the same night and may be even less threatening than our wiener heroes, which is impressive in a completely pathetic way. Nudity is provided by actual strippers and I’ll always be happy that they (hopefully) got a nice pay day for doing what they do anyways. Hilarious performances are the right kind of “bad” and some shit splatter may drag a grin out of you but everything else just blows donkey dick. Zombie makeup appears in a news report about a bunch of folks dressing up for a zombie bar crawl… I mean, what the fuck is the point of this damn thing?
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