The hidden chamber in an Egyptian pyramid holds one hell of a find for a team of researchers. No, it’s not the treasure or preserved corpse of ancient royalty… that shit is for the birds and would hardly influence the creative output of my hero Mark Palonia. Nope. This team finds a mummified alien shark! Unfortunately, before they can excitedly share this unprecedented find with the rest of the world, a vengeful mystic does what vengeful mystics are known for and brings the damn thing back to murderous life. You just know that Mark Polonia got his hands on someone’s vacation shots of Egypt and crafted a movie around it because why the hell not. You can’t pass that shit up. A white guy with a big beard stands in for the Egyptian mystic and he’s introduced talking shit about America’s reliance on modernity to an archeologist right before he zaps a tiny shark toy (with gauze lazily thrown on) to life. It attacks the archaeologist and the bearded mystic laughs and roars that the man is suitable… as food for the gods! Cue the dance music and cue the credits playing over Egyptian footage that may have been featured in a PlayStation cutscene back in 1995. So… POLONIA POWA!!! Strained dialogue matches the strained relationship between Egypt and American researchers plundering the tombs of the nation’s ancestors. Green screen, discounted stock footage and someone’s available travel shots stand in for the foreign location. The unconvincing team of professors make small talk and speak of shark gods lacking any semblance of conviction. Exactly as I’d want it in anything with Polonia plastered all over it. “Were humans engineered by a species of intelligent sharks?” That’s a question I’ve never asked myself but this flick is brave enough to pose it pretty damn early. The adorable shark starts chowing down on idiots and the team decides to evacuate after security footage of a shark attack is shown… footage that makes little sense as it’s just the previous attack scene shown in black and white with visual glitches *chef’s kiss*. The team takes the sharkophagus (their word, not mine) along with them via wretchedly-rendered digital helicopters, even getting into a silly aerial battle on the way out… allowing the Egyptian government to think they destroyed the team and their find in the process. Now, set up in the jungle (?), the team lays low while our hero stiffly wraps up everything that has happened already and eats a hamburger. Back in Egypt, the “mystic” learns through mystic tomfoolery that the Americans still live and that ain’t gonna sit right with the angry man. After a long stretch with no adorable mummy shark, the mystic finds the group, promises some old bat to the mummy shark as its bride and the damn thing then snickers and growls as it floats through the air and attacks. Mark Polonia pops in as a jungle chef named Cookie, we learn that sharks from outer space built the great pyramids (I had my suspicions), organic Tana leaves are brewed into a tea *Polonia Chef’s Kiss*, the possibility of immortality is realized thanks to cracking the code of the space sharks, possession via Tana leaf tea (she that will become the bride of the mummy shark), Kharis name drops, a hilariously pathetic Air Force interaction over coms and a level of unconvincing impressively plagues every aspect of the filmmaking process. Pure later-days Polonia gold at least seems to be having a bit of fun if you’re in the right frame of mind but if you’re not, just spend an hour and six minutes doing something else.
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