Medousa (1998) (Greece)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Clothed stone statues of men are popping up all over Greece and a mysterious raven-haired woman in black, caked in makeup and rocking sunglasses is to blame. The leader of a gang of thieves by the name of Perseus has a strange childhood and the answer to the mystery. A mustachioed detective and his team are scratching their heads at the sudden appearance of stone statues resembling missing persons and inexplicably showing up in random places. Perseus and his gang break into a countryside mansion to make a score, a mansion owned by a woman that ties into that strange past I mentioned earlier. They find the place eerily empty and looking almost un-lived in. The only sign of habitation is a wardrobe filled with black clothes, sunglasses and a rubber mask. That’s disturbing as fuck but a drawer full of cash gets them staying to count their ill-gotten earnings. Further investigation leads to a locked door and a dark room filled with clothed statues. I’d be getting the fuck out at this point but I’m not Greek so I don’t know how they react to these kinds of things. Light cheese on fire? Perseus decides to stay in the house because this is, in-fact, the home he grew up in when he left Athens to live with his mother’s boyfriend and his daughter. The house was also home to a mysterious woman who would pace the halls at night and keep herself hidden. He plans to wait for the owner to get back and ask her directly what happened to his mother. It’s got the vibe of a less-violent giallo but instead of a gloved sexual deviant, the villain is a monster from Greek mythology. If you think that’s not something I am insanely into, then I’m sorry you fell off a horse and woke up with amnesia. I’ll reintroduce myself later.

Maya (1989) (Italy)

aka Gods of Maya 

⭐️⭐️

Dr. Slivak gets his curious ass killed thanks to his research into the Mayan culture. Looks like he dug a little too deep and got himself made into a sacrifice... helping to bring about the return of an ancient and evil power. That’s just how these things go, I suppose. Peter, a mooching American diver/treasure-hunter, lends a scuzzy helping hand to the dead doctor’s daughter while she tries to unravel her father’s messy murder. Slain bodies pile up as the Celebration of the Dead approaches... a day celebrating the defeat of said evil... uh oh. Particularly horny outing has plenty of sweaty canoodling and a few bursts of graphic violence but is a little less than memorable. A couple... uhm... good ol’ boy punks (?) show up to be annoying as all hell, attempt a rape and get slaughtered, there’s a snake-vomiting exorcism thrown in for some reason and finally a shaman enters the scene to take on the force that’s fucking everything up. It’s not a complete waste of time but there’s not much reason to seek it out.

Kafan (1990) (India)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

It's 1990, it's India and things are about to get rowdy. Cheap violence realized by cheaper special effects and some cheeky naughtiness are offered up along with the usual suspects of dance numbers and comic relief. You're either into South Asian horror flicks or you're not. That middle ground doesn't exist here. At two plus hours, there's just no room for it. When the black magic practicing holy man in their employ promises immortality in exchange for a virgin, a group of four shit-heel menfolk are happy to oblige. Under the leadership of the head prick, Robert, two of the group go to collect. Because these are awful human beings, they just can't keep it in their pants and they rape the poor girl. Thinking it won't matter, they deliver the girl to the evil magician and he goes about with the sacrifice. That proves to be a big mistake. The wronged woman comes back as a pissed-off evil spirit and starts working on her vengeance. Universal justice would play out as it should if it weren't for a pretty medium named Neelam caught up in the awful business. She has been seeing visions of the murders and sets out to alert her police detective boyfriend, Shekar, to the oncoming massacre. At first he treats her as any level-headed human would when told that an evil spirit is killing off a bunch of strangers but as her intuitions prove to be chillingly correct, Shekar comes around and begins to take Neelam's claims seriously. Looking to rid herself of her connection to this evil force, Neelam asks for help from an inexperienced professor. Hesitant as first, he finally agrees to assist her in an exorcism. It looks to be a complete success up until poor Neelam is possessed by the spirit and goes on to finish off the still living pieces of crap that brought about the shit-storm. You bet your ass it will all come to a close with a battle between good and evil for Neelam's soul. While all this is going on there is a "comic" subplot involving another police officer named Badam (Bollywood staple Johney Lever) and his attempt to win the affections of a young lady. He summons a ghost to aid him but the horny female ghost ends up being more of a nuisance than anything. This story has nothing to do with the main plot (except for some tenuous setup) and involves a colossally craptastic fight scene with the best awful choreography I've seen. So... enjoy? Kafan is exactly what I'm looking for in my South Asian cinema. Cheapjack effects, a handful of toe-tapping songs and a jumbled story structure. When I barely notice something is going on for two hours, all signs point to a good old time. There's a climatic chase through an out-of-nowhere concert involving dancers and musicians in cheap monster masks. The opening black mass has music and audio from Predator (including Bill Duke saying "Anytime") and ends with a slaughter. There's a whole bunch going on in this flick including (but not limited to) the aforementioned insanity, flying stuffed animals and dinnerware, floating heads and exploding fat men and who could forget animated magic electricity shooting out of our demonic princess.

Jurnal Risa by Risa Saraswati (2024) (Indonesia)

aka Jurnal Risa: The Movie 

⭐️⭐️1/2

Risa Saraswati can supposedly communicate with the spirit world and as she is being filmed by a documentary crew she is filming a video for her YouTube channel. At a haunted location, she and her large team are documenting a group of volunteers to see if they can successfully commune with the unknown in a haunted location for her titular show. One of the volunteers decides to call forth an entity that Risa has advised should never be called after she accidentally summoned it years ago. The dangerous entity Samex latches on to Risa and even after performing a cleansing ritual, the team realizes the powerful evil is not letting go of the young lady. Or is it? It could be Risa’s out for viral fame and a boost to her social media viewers. Or that would be the intriguing plot if it didn’t dismiss the option within a couple minutes and show that the supernatural is at play instead of a fame-hungry nincompoop. Oh well. Some of the team sets up at Risa’s home and things get worse. An exorcism is in order and everything just kind of plays out like you’d expect… which ain’t necessarily a bad thing but, man oh man, am I missing the Indonesian output of a few decades earlier. But, we all grow up and lose that wild streak eventually so I can’t really blame anyone. There’s a few cool macabre bits when it starts digging into the origins of the evil and it brings on the found footage jump-scares, it just drags around the good stuff with the possession angle you have already seen multiple times in multiple formats. The intense exorcism has some bite and when it’s not going through the motions it’s a pretty damn fun time, you just have to get through the slogs.

The Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll (1964) (Spain/Austria/France)

aka Dr. Orloff’s Monster/Brides of Dr. Jekyll/The Secret of Dr. Orloff 

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Franco returns to Orloff or Jekyll or whatever… it’s Uncle Jess, so just go with it. A beautiful orphan named Melissa goes to take care of some inheritance paperwork while visiting the homestead of her scientist uncle and drunk aunt at their sprawling castle in Spain during the Christmas season. Uncle Conrad Jekyll is currently busy because he has inherited a secret formula from his tutor, the infamous Dr. Orloff. This formula can bring life to the dead and allow control over said shambling corpses through the usage of ultrasonics. Jekyll uses this to resurrect Melissa’s dead father (Conrad’s brother, whom he murdered after catching him having an affair with his wife) and put him to good use by strangling strippers and prostitutes. A world of options when it comes to abusing your power over the walking dead and you use it to murder sex workers… dick move. Andros (the newly undead papa) begins to develop his own will after discovering his beloved daughter is now on the property. Melissa meets some dope when she arrives and he ends up dropping her off at her uncle’s place when his pestering causes her to miss her bus. Juan Manuel will most likely have to come to the rescue when shit gets bad, so it’s good he decides to stay in a village hotel to keep an eye on her and drive her back to the train when her trip ends. Dude is desperate. There’s also a couple inspectors hanging around, scratching their heads and struggling for leads. They finally catch a break when Andros murders the wrong woman and some guy who looks like Austin Powers witnesses him dump the body in a canal. Granted, when the witness points to the culprit being a robot, it raises a few more questions than answers. The script may have a few holes and lack answers but there’s still some haunting visuals and a decent amount of weirdness to keep things moving… the attractive women also help. Luisa Sala is delightfully sloppy as the boozy Aunt Ingrid, drowning in regret and stealing every moment she is granted screen time while Marcelo Arroita-Jáureg looks exactly as you would expect someone’s uncle to look.

The Z (2014) (USA)

⭐️

The titular ancient species are the source of zombie legends worldwide and a team of mercenary “badasses” work as humankind’s protection from these ravenous super-killers that are like vampires but way lamer. Impressive as vampires are the lamest of legendary monsters. They make their move at a small time club looking to get at Mars Heflin and his Z-bustin’ team called Protection Incorporated. This leads to a drag queen getting her head knocked off with a bat and the club manager eaten. Somehow, the flesh-eating is less convincing than the digital abomination that is the decapitation via aluminum bat. Protection Incorporated also runs private security for various events that don’t exactly look like they could afford a private security team. That’s okay, they’re definitely not a real private security team. Turns out Mars hasn’t been upfront about the Z to his team but feels they’re more than ready to handle them if they show themselves. They do and the final confrontation is like a cinematic shitting of a pantsuit on a first date. If the opening club scene from Blade had a learning disability, it would be The Z. It’s the type of movie that happens when a group of people who desperately crave badass notoriety and have watched way too many Tarantino movies get their hands on enough disposable income and friends willing to work for cocaine to make a movie… but they also have no discernible talent or convincing charm. The zombies just look like normal folks who have been to one too many raves in the same night and may be even less threatening than our wiener heroes, which is impressive in a completely pathetic way. Nudity is provided by actual strippers and I’ll always be happy that they (hopefully) got a nice pay day for doing what they do anyways. Hilarious performances are the right kind of “bad” and some shit splatter may drag a grin out of you but everything else just blows donkey dick. Zombie makeup appears in a news report about a bunch of folks dressing up for a zombie bar crawl… I mean, what the fuck is the point of this damn thing?

Woods Witch (2023) (USA)

NOTHING! FUCK THIS MOVIE AND FUCK EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR! THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR YOU!

There’s a forest out there in the American wilds where folks are known to vanish off the face of the earth and at the very worst, end up very dead. Sensing some quality content, a duo of Internet vloggers journey out into the wilderness to collect themselves some views. James Duval plays a fake Frenchman whose footage opens the film, thankfully he drops the accent right before something sneaks up behind him. We then watch as our heroes Jocelyn and Jonah stumble through comedy and ad-libbing interviews (even Tom Sizemore in one of his final films) before finally making it to the woods. They’re doing a 48-hour challenge in said woods with a couple other idiots and you will feel EVERY FUCKING MINUTE of it. Supposedly some entity called Suicide Sandy wanders around the dark and fucks people up. By the thirty minute mark, I was ready to quit and I couldn’t believe there was still an hour left. Actual actor Robert LaSardo shows up, which only goes to magnify how awful at acting everyone else is in this thing. Eventually, the cool lookin’ boogeywoman shows up and the meaninglessness of all of this gets a little relief. But there’s more annoying nothing to wade through instead of producing horror entertainment. These woods are also full of idiots so, if you’ve considered smashing yourself in the head with a baseball bat… now would be the time. The only good thing this has going for it is kept off camera for most of the runtime and most offensive is the fact that it never feels like they’re actually deep in the woods. Co-written, co-directed and co-starring Coolduder (Shawn C Phillips), I already knew my annoyance level would be running very high. Why did I do it? Well, I love supporting SRS, I’m a sucker for found footage and I’m always waiting for something or someone to surprise me. This wasn’t the film to do it. I guess Coolduder can take some comfort in the fact that he’s surrounded by folks just as annoying as him. It’s not great for us, the viewer at home, but I have a nagging feeling that everyone behind this didn’t give a fuck about us.