Ajooba Kudrat Kaa

aka The Magnificent Guardian 

1991 India

****

As Ennio Morricone’s The Ecstasy of Gold plays unlicensed over the opening scene, a group of men brave a snowy and forested landscape. They carry torches and look with major concern at a cave opening. Concerned they should be because in this cave is the legendary Yeti and he is pissed! There’s plenty of dead Indian dudes to prove that point. The story proper begins with a gang of thugs eventually kidnapping a young girl. Her papa and his brother are told to pay a ransom in cash to get the girl back alive. While the thugs await their payday, the crafty little lass manages to escape the mountain cabin where the gang is hiding out and into the “safety” of the surrounding wilds of the fucking Himalayas. Of course, she manages to get herself under the protection of The Yeti! Yeti’s love kids. Duh! Even if she is rightfully terrified at first. Soon, she comes to discover this monster is her gentle guardian. Well, the goons decide to not let the girl’s father know that she was taken by an undiscovered man-beast and insist he pay up even sooner, claiming the girl is still in their care. They set a trap but naturally, the girl’s uncle is proficient in the Bollywood kung-fu skills that grace all of our Hindi heroes. Eventually the head of the bad guys figures an actual missing link specimen is worth a hell of a lot of money and the girl’s family realize they’re going to have to journey to the Yeti’s lair if they want the lil’ cutie back. They do, easily, but the criminals are still scheming, putting themselves in a whole bunch of danger all for that payday that seems further and further away from being an easy one. It’s all set in motion to have everyone come together with a captured big and hairy beast with a heart of gold at the center of everything. How will it all play out? I don’t know but I can guarantee there will be plenty of singing and dancing (this time with yodeling!) along the way to further confuse everything. There will also be an impressive mixture of tacky sweaters, ski suits, track suits, discarded wedding party clothes, denim jackets, studded leather jackets and LA Lakers wear. Almost nothing I would recommend for frozen cave exploration. I don’t speak the language but the basic plot is simple enough and I’ve watched enough of these bizarre Ramsay flicks to get the gist of it… the singing people are in love. There’s a level of joy I find in all of these movies and I can say that if you’re not a fan of the weirdo dance numbers and toe-tapping music, I don’t care to know you. Wretched comedy, inevitable attempted rape and repetitive plot points abound but the janky Yeti is fucking awesome (lookin’ like something pulled from a studio dumpster used by the Lost in Space sfx team) and the bad guys are suitably scummy. I’m easily distracted by gorgeous women, copyright infringement, familiar faces, song and dance numbers and troubling hairstyles… especially when there’s a monster involved. That’s just how I make it through these two hour plus expeditions into worldwide weirdness and actually manage to enjoy myself. It’s like a children’s film made by someone who only has a vague idea of what a child is but definitely did some research on bumbling bandits and the Abominable Snowman via a half-remembered drunken viewing of Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century. Why does the Yeti have what looks like flippers for hands? Why does the main bad guy traverse the Himalayas dressed like he’s on his way to perform in a magic show at some cigarette-blanketed lounge? Why are the villains singing to a caged Yeti while Indian guys in blackface pretend to be savages? Why does the uncle hero rock a pompadour and, god help me, pull it off? Fuck if I know. Truly the magic of the region’s genre output on full display. Yes. The Yeti dances, to the catchy sounds of Yeti, I Love You. So don’t you worry your cute little frozen buns.