⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The DeFeo family murders have hung like a millstone around the Amityville community in Long Island since a couple con artists got together and decided to exploit the massacre and make some money. One bestselling novel about the supposedly true nightmare scenario a family faces moving into the site of the crimes changed the face of low-to-no-budget films forever. Since then, the murders of a mother, father and four siblings by a mentally ill man have served as the inspiration for a series of films loosely holding onto the haunted house inspirations and then eventually to any film that decided to tack on the Amityville name no matter how little it needed to be there. This flick opens with said murders but doesn’t focus that much on the violent acts, just the poor man hearing voices and taking a shotgun to his sleeping family. Decades later, a middle-aged woman gets a nice little bonus for something and puts a down payment on her first house. That night while she’s getting ready to go hangout with her friends, a weirdo Asian woman stops by with a box of shit and lets her know she knew her deceased father and has some information she’d probably want to know. Laura asks the strange woman to come back tomorrow so she won’t leave her friends hanging and goes about her night. While this is going on, a group of people are messing around with a Ouija board and the guy has a vision of the DeFeo murders, freaks out and spooks he and his girlfriend’s friends into leaving. Turns out his real father was Ronald DeFeo Jr. and he believes, following his old man’s death, his spirit is reaching out. Back to Laura’s story; she brings the man her friend was setting her up with home and while things are getting steamy, that box the neighbor dropped off starts shaking like an angry poltergeist is trying to break free. A pretty hilarious sex scene follows. The next day the weird woman comes back and she shares the story of her absent father (George Lutz) in a manner so stilted, I was embarrassed for her. So her dead dad owned the haunted house and left her to live with her aunt due to all the chaos his fascination with the occult lead to. Which explains why she was abandoned and why the weird-ass Asian lady, with some of the worst line delivery I’ve ever seen, dropped off an urn full of DeFeo’s ashes. Strangely, DeFeo left the ashes to Laura for some reason. That’s not all of the exposition we’re getting either, turns out the family massacre opened the gates of hell. This whole scene name drops actual dead people who had already kind of pissed all over their legacy but any dry spots are completely soaked now that this flick emptied its bladder on people who actually existed. Laura masturbates in her bed and… Jesus Christ… has sex with the ghost of noted kid killer Ronald DeFeo Jr. This film, at least it’s got no class and isn’t ashamed about it. Laura gets horny as the evil presence sinks its hooks into our hero and DeFeo’s son tries working through his daddy issues in a subplot that made me sleepy. Two dudes Laura brings home for a three-way end up dying at the spiritual hands of DeFeo (after they go to the bone zone) and Laura reaches out to the DeFeo son and lets him know she has his daddy’s ashes. He comes by to grab the urn and they both admit they’ve been seeing the ghost of the murderer and it’s time to figure out how to put him to rest. This gets their friends dragged into things along with a psychic medium who looks like London River and Carmen Electra had a daughter who they never said no to. A séance is performed and DeFeo possesses one of the friends so he can attack… hilarity ensues and the opposite of what you would call a “satisfying ending” plays out. This is trash. This is the trashiest train wreck of two trash trains colliding in the middle of a garbage fire outside of a waste management facility that just exploded in a volcanic shit eruption… and I respect the hell out of the fact there is no god damn decorum in this film. I mean, the abandoned daughter of George Lutz has a brief sex scene with the ghost of Ron DeFeo Jr. This was written, rehearsed, shot and released and nobody gave a damn that there’s actual family members still wandering around and they just took a big ol’ dump on these family names. Disturbing? Sure. Hilarious? Yeah, it is and I kinda feel bad about how much I dig it. There is nobody named Emanuelle in this film but I think it’s just because Laura was super horny, so I’m good with it.
If you too have questionable taste in your genre output, watch it here: https://tubitv.com/movies/100003611/amityville-emanuelle
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