Pitchfork (2016) (USA)

 ⭐️1/2

A young man brings a van full of friends from New York to his family farm in Michigan as his support group to help him ease into his homecoming after recently coming out to his disapproving father and sympathetic mother. The group is also hosting a big dance party in the property’s barn (which features a montage of them setting it up). Ok. There’s plenty of drama amongst the friends and everyone fits into the slasher trope stereotypes you were expecting as these annoying thirty-somethings play annoying twenty-somethings and a larger secret than Hunter’s taste in sexual partners starts doing away with the cast. The killer is some young dude who rocks a stupid animal fur mask (like, skinned stuffed animal face or something silly like that) and has a pitchfork for a left hand. Nice guy with glasses, bisexual horny gal, asshole jock, glasses guy’s secret crush who is also the blonde dating the asshole jock, fun-loving “big sister” type who is also sleeping with the asshole jock… they’re here, the main guy’s out as queer and they’re all being hunted by some dope with a pitchfork for a hand. Mom and dad get taken out first (well, after the pre-credits murder) while the group throws their dance thing and Hunter’s younger sister Jenny gets kidnapped by the psychopath. The choreographed barn dance is probably the most memorable thing in this movie due to just how out of place it feels which is hilarious because it comes off like it was the whole reason Glenn Douglas Packard made this thing (his background in choreography may have something to do with that) but needed to get funding by offering up a slasher film that runs out of steam once it makes an attempt at being a disturbing horror film. Comedy hits like it was scripted unironically for a Disney Channel movie trying to appeal to an adult audience, performances are all over the place but never really what one would consider “good” and the slasher aspect of the damn thing is the least interesting part. It is a weird, imbalanced time which makes it more entertaining than it has any right to be but please don’t take that as a recommendation. Sure, I’ll watch it with you if you’re curious and want to get drunk… trust me, you won’t want to be sober… but just know there’s about thirty minutes of entertainment here and the majority of it has nothing to do with successful filmmaking or horror.