Jungle Run (2021) (USA)

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Those wackos at The Asylum look to get their hands on some of that sweet, sweet Jungle Cruise money by crapping out a quick-to-small-screen mockbuster. A logging operation uncovers an ancient artifact and, not wanting to miss their deadline because the government-sanctioned American archeologist (A haggard but somehow healthy lookin’ Richard Grieco) is all up in arms about the historical and cultural significance, they decide their best course of action is to destroy it. Bad idea. Two sibling adventurers journey into the jungle searching for their missing father. They hire out a boat captained by a drunkard (who, I think, is doing a German-Australian accent) and accompanied by an extremely likable company woman (Jamie Petitto has made me a fan), heading out to the same area because they’ve lost contact with the logging crew. Just so happens the Ortec Company was being joined by their papa. On top of the usual everything that wants to kill you, there seems to be something else going on. They don’t know about the artifact but they’re gonna find out soon enough. An abandoned camp with everything left behind leads the kids to finding their father’s journals and points them in the direction of a mythical stretch of earth and a knowledgeable local warns them that some sort of ancient protector has been awakened thanks to all the Amazon destruction by greedy corporations. He helpfully let’s them know the Curupira (said mythical protector) has their father and they must journey to the “Heart of the Jungle” to find him, but they’ll have to destroy the “Heart” to free him. Whew. Thank the Gods for knowledgeable locals. They’re hit by shit from the get-go as tensions mount amongst the small group and all manner of creatures show up to make their quest all the more dangerous. Making their lives a living hell are swarming ants, poisonous biting frogs, boat-stalling piranha, big ol’ crocs, a colossal red-eyed anaconda, a cave of giant snakes, killer vines, angry tribesmen who supposedly eat their enemies and some giant fuckin’ spiders to boot. It comes to an anticlimactic confrontation against the jungle demon who resembles one of the less-frightening villains from Doom or Quake. The effects are your usual Asylum digital hilarity (that snake battle… I swear…), the acting is above the usual caliber (no, that doesn’t mean anyone will be winning any awards or anything) and Richard Grieco spends most of his time in a trailer talking to himself (good for him).