Sometime around 1990, an elderly hiker encounters Bigfoot in the remote wilds of Arkansas. We get to join along with two senior dudes wandering through the woods, ad-libbing what I can only call “honest to God old man chit chat but stilted because they know they’re in a film so it comes off as the most boring natural dialogue delivered in the most unnatural way” and obviously waiting on direction when new scenes start. After a butt-numbing opening involving all of that lethargy, something begins staking the two grandpas. They split up to try different trails and we stick with the one who is more senile. Yay. Thirty minutes in we get some excitement when candy goes missing but we’re able to catch our breath right after as more hiking happens. I’m not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to harness the “excitement” one would expect from a boring hike with your grandpa as he repeats himself and grows slightly more and more frustrated with the situation he’s in. But here we are. I don’t know who this is for. Is there a person out there who wants to watch somebody figure out map directions in real time as he groans and eats candy? I’m sorry if you are that person, but I don’t want to know you. Further “thrills” include multiple shots of Bigfoot’s hairy arm and hand pushing away branches to spy on our protagonist, an achy old man setting up his camp (in REAL TIME!), some animal howls, the comforting chorus of crickets, a ratty-ass costume serving as our creeping cryptid and the beautiful Arkansas wilderness reminding us that some spots in the American south sure are purdy.
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