You’ll Never See Me Again (1973) (USA)

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Ned and Vicki are newly married. Vicki seems a bit spacey and Ned seems a bit grumpy… he is played by the naturally sullen-looking David Hartman so it may just come with the mug. After an opening stretch of exchanged dialogue which would lead you to believe nobody could possibly want to hang around this duo of boring idiots, Vicki decides she wants to go and see her mother and stepfather before she leaves for a trip. Ned, not wanting to make the two hour drive and take off work on short notice doesn’t want to make the random journey to the in-laws he’s never met. Vicki says she’s going with or without him and when Ned acquiesces, she gets pissed at him because he’s admittedly being a dick even if she is acting like a ridiculous child. Yeah. These two aren’t gonna make it. He hits her after she bites his hand. Yeah. These two aren’t gonna make it and it’s for the best. Vicki leaves in a huff, not agreeing that the bloody nose was her fault because, as Ned puts it: “You made me lose my temper.” RUN VICKI!!!! Ned huffs around the house for a bit, angry that there’s no spouse around to smack. He wakes up the next day and goes to work at the construction site he’s the architect of. He admits to his buddy Bob that he smacked her one and she fled to her mother’s place. His buddy jokes that she actually went to his place and they’re in love. Ned has a good laugh about it because how could any woman leave an abusive and homely architect for a handsome, mustachioed foreman. As the hours go by with no sign of his wife, Ned does the unthinkable and calls his mother-in-law. He’s shocked to discover she is not there and was never there. He reaches out to other folks but has no luck. Instead of alerting authorities, he begins searching for himself. Probably to save himself the embarrassment but only making himself look guiltier when the police finally get involved. He decides to go to the cops after he checks a hotel, the bus terminal and swings by his friend Bob’s bachelor pad. The desk officer dismisses him and says he has to wait 48 hours. So, everyone sucks. Ned decides to tell them there may be foul play afoot because it’s possible she hitchhiked and got in the car with the wrong person. The search goes on and Ned looks more and more like a hungover funeral director. Bo Svenson pops in as a gas station attendant and because it’s Bo Svenson I immediately assume he has Vicki tied up in the garage. He denies seeing her but the mechanic says he was talking to a girl that matches the missing woman’s description. Hmmmmm… is Bo Svenson up to something? Ned meets the folks and her step-pappy (Ralph Meeker!) points the finger of blame in Ned’s direction… because he’s smart. The cops start looking Ned’s way too and evidence ain’t painting him in an innocent light. But surely our unlikable hero can’t be to blame… right? He breaks more laws as he searches for his love and looks sloppier and sloppier as everything spirals into nonsense. It’s like Gone Girl but with a dumber twist, lacking most of the violence and starring people who look like gym teachers… so, better. The protagonist is immensely unlikable (a standout moment is his erratic threats towards an elderly woman with a heart condition) but the cast is solid across the board (Jospeh Campanella is perfect as the police lieutenant), it’s all about as thrilling as a seventies TV movie concerning the subject matter can be and that last stretch is a silly blast. Plus… Bo Svenson. “There wasn’t any violence! I just slapped her that’s all! Not hard. She tripped!” - Our hero, Ned.