Hurricane Irma reveals that a park was built over an African burial ground and a sorority and fraternity see it as a good spot to send their pledges to do some excavation. We then join some podcast called Hotep TV where Dr. Bryant goes on about the darker history of America and the African ancestral roots of Florida… where the graveyard was discovered. Bryant is the professor who came up with the idea to send students over there to investigate the important historical find. If you drink every time the words “ancestor” or “dead” is said… congrats, you have liver failure. This bit goes on for a while but at least Dr. Bryant is taking the time to give all the exposition you need as to who all these college kids are and why they’re going to be in the cemetery after dark. There’s two fraternities (one of them a Hip Hop fraternity) and two sororities (one of them a lesbian sorority) taking part in things. He also talks about an African slave who fought as a wrestler while enslaved who is buried there. That’s probably important. His name was Baba the African King. He tells the story of Baba and we’re treated to illustrations of the action as the narration awkwardly rambles on. He wins his freedom but is then forced back into slavery and gets falsely accused of rape by his owner’s daughter and a house slave. So he gets hung by the white folks and cursed by his own people. This is definitely important. We meet our victims-to-be and the gaggle of pledges with paper bags over their heads are thrown in a moving truck and brought out to the middle of the woods. Their assignment is to chart the burial land and figure out the identity of everyone who was buried there. The pledge masters have some pranks in the works to freak out the pledges but a spirit arrives in a flurry of silly digital smoke and he’s painted up like a skeleton (with a bone costume and everything). But that low-budget bliss is put to the side so all our pledges can ramble on about why their future house is the best and why they’re pledging. They then tell scary stories and sometimes we are treated to more no-quality animation. I’m all for it. While they’re telling their minimally entertaining stories with the talent of a squirrel who just learned English, that skeleton guy is screaming to the heavens and forcing a girl to dig. She frees Baba eventually. Like, after a loooooooong period of time has passed. This is uh, this is something? I hope the girls of Alpha Sigma Sigma make it out of this. The MS Paint circa ‘98 illustrations gracing the run time had me double checking the release date and the performances are exactly what one should find in your backyard horror. This shit is charming to high hell but I have a soft spot for anything that was obviously made with promises and good intentions and I also may have brain damage. But as much as I’ll fall in love with something this bare bones, I cannot deny how boring this shit is. The girls of ASS obviously tell a story about big booties which sadly does not receive any animation and Baba takes fuckin’ forever to get going and get slayin’. Night-for-night shooting brings on squinting and wind-damaged audio allows your ears to join in on the sense-straining fun. Scenes drag on forever and I’m kinda certain the script was a couple scribbled notes on a legal pad that was found under an IKEA futon. The special effects budget couldn’t even buy a value meal at Arby’s but that didn’t stop the dreamers who brought this garbage to life. And don’t you worry your cute little tush, Dr. Bryant returns to needlessly wrap up everything. I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t enjoy this damn thing as much as I do. At least I recognize that fact… right?
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